Anonymous Confessions: I had an extremely weird dream that's going to become relevant

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DandyLion: Jun 24, 2010; disrespectul Deciever

purple death ray posted:

Goddamn check out the Rockefellers here, eating out and paying a runner to deliver it to their homes. Do you pay extra for them to daintily blow on your food before they feed it to you so you don't hurt your delicate rose petal lips

I always pay extra for the dainty blow

# ? Oct 17, 2019 14:28

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# ? May 25, 2024 07:36

Solice Kirsk: Jun 1, 2004; .

purple death ray posted:

Goddamn check out the Rockefellers here, eating out and paying a runner to deliver it to their homes. Do you pay extra for them to daintily blow on your food before they feed it to you so you don't hurt your delicate rose petal lips

Obviously not! That's what Enrique is for.

# ? Oct 17, 2019 14:36

Nocheez: Sep 5, 2000; Can you spare a little cheddar?; Nap Ghost

purple death ray posted:

Goddamn check out the Rockefellers here, eating out and paying a runner to deliver it to their homes. Do you pay extra for them to daintily blow on your food before they feed it to you so you don't hurt your delicate rose petal lips

if you don't do this while traveling for work.

# ? Oct 17, 2019 17:44

wesleywillis: Dec 30, 2016; SUCK A MALE CAMEL'S DICK WITH MIRACLE WHIP!!

loquacius posted:

One time when I was smoking weed with some friends we were planning on going to an ice cream place 3 blocks away, but then one of them discovered it was on GrubHub, so we got 4 pints of ice cream delivered 3 blocks. That was the highest thing I've ever done

TheKennedys posted:

I Favored a pack of smokes in the middle of the day once because I was high enough I didn't want to get up and walk/ride the mile to the gas station

Once.

Also

Being that high is pretty awesome, you just need to make sure you've got all your poo poo so you don't need to move further than the fridge.

Having to ration smokes is the worst.

# ? Oct 17, 2019 20:45

Azza Bamboo: Apr 7, 2018; THUNDERDOME LOSER 2021

I haven't done weed an awful lot but there was this one time I got high in a forest in the middle of nowhere with a circle of friends. We were camping and on the walk back to the site one of my friends and I split off from the pack to stop and look at the stars. They knew the constellations and showed me how to find the North Star and drat if that wasn't one of the most magical experiences of my life.

# ? Oct 17, 2019 20:54

wesleywillis: Dec 30, 2016; SUCK A MALE CAMEL'S DICK WITH MIRACLE WHIP!!

Azza Bamboo posted:

I haven't done weed an awful lot but there was this one time I got high in a forest in the middle of nowhere with a circle of friends. We were camping and on the walk back to the site one of my friends and I split off from the pack to stop and look at the stars. They knew the constellations and showed me how to find the North Star and drat if that wasn't one of the most magical experiences of my life.

That sounds amazing. But you need to smoke enough times and get so ridiculously high that you do weird poo poo like light a smoke, take one puff and then you're too high to finish the rest of it and it either goes out right away or it burns all the way down and you don't care when your fingers get burnt. Or order like 5 pizzas and eat them all yourself and either puke them out an hour later, or they come surging out your rear end three hours later. Stare at a fire until its burned in to your retinas, or just completely forget that Beastie Boys concert that you were at in the summer of '98.

# ? Oct 17, 2019 21:03

loquacius: Oct 21, 2008

wesleywillis posted:

Stare at a fire until its burned in to your retinas, or just completely forget that Beastie Boys concert that you were at in the summer of '98.

At one point during the night of New Years Eve 2010/2011, my (now) wife and I rode in an elevator where a guy roughly our age was rocking the gently caress out on a harmonica.

She has no memory of this and insists it never happened, and I'm 100% certain it happened and was real, and considering the rest of our evening it's roughly a 50/50 shot as to which of us is right. We'll never know.

# ? Oct 17, 2019 21:08

feedmegin: Jul 30, 2008

loquacius posted:

She might have watched one of the older ones, the post doesn't specify

It doesn't even specify she watched it as a kid.

# ? Oct 17, 2019 21:57

TheBizzness: Oct 5, 2004; Reign on me.

loquacius posted:

One time when I was smoking weed with some friends we were planning on going to an ice cream place 3 blocks away, but then one of them discovered it was on GrubHub, so we got 4 pints of ice cream delivered 3 blocks. That was the highest thing I've ever done

You�re Bill Simmons?

# ? Oct 18, 2019 01:59

loquacius: Oct 21, 2008

I'm gonna level with you guys

I'm running late and can post this but do not presently have time to read it because it is long. I'll get to it later today

quote:

this doesn't really need to be anonymous but it's a bit awkward and embarrassing so here goes:

I had a week off from work. We were closed. My wife was out of town visiting her family in another country. So my plan was to drink a lot, jerk off, do some cleaning, and not shave. Things were going perfectly according to plan until day four. I'm in the kitchen of my little apartment, cleaning things up. If I'm going to drink and jerk off the whole time my wife's gone, at least I can do a little cleaning so she comes home to a nice household. I'm a nice guy, right? Sure. So I'm washing some dishes at the sink. I smell piss. I think it's piss. I'm scrubbing this plate thinking, "Did I piss in the sink while drunk last night? Did I piss on this plate? What the gently caress?" There's a window right in front of the sink. I notice movement outside the window. I glance up. It's a small Chinese girl waving at me. I wave back, assuming that this is the older child of the Chinese couple that lives upstairs. I've never met them but my wife has interacted with them several times and says they're nice folks. They have, I think, a two year old and an eight or nine year old. I have the window open so some fresh air can get in. What also gets in is a disturbing admission from the little girl.

"I can't find my mom."

On her face is a mixture of sadness and fear and panic. I don't have kids, I don't want kids, I don't really know how to take care of kids, but I was pretty sure this child came down here asking me for help because she's met my wife a bunch of times and knows we're good people over here and would be willing to help in an emergency situation.

"And I need to go to the bathroom."

I step outside. I ask the kiddo if she lives upstairs. "Yes." I suggest we go upstairs and knock real loud on the door, just in case the parents are taking a nap or wearing headphones or something. All the horrible possibilities are running through my mind. Her mom died in a car accident, her mom was kidnapped, the dad killed the mom, lightning struck both of them at the same time. This is called neurosis, by the way. Nobody answers the door. While moving toward their neighbors' door and asking the child if she knows their next door neighbors, I notice a large dripping puddle on the walkway. And that smell of piss again. While the kid is telling me that she does not know the people next door, I notice that her pants are soaked. She had already gone to the bathroom, uncontrollably, probably while desperately waiting for her parents to answer the apartment door, standing on the second floor walkway, right above the window in my kitchen. A bad day for a kid. I vaguely remember pissing my pants somewhere in public at about the same age.

I ask the girl where she believes her mom is. Something about going downtown to replace the car or get the car fixed. I calculate how long it takes to get from downtown to here. Only then do I realize what has probably happened. It's about 15 minutes after 3 pm. The elementary school nearby got out, the kid was supposed to wait for her mom to pick her up, but she really needed to use the bathroom, so she marched home, hoping mom or dad would be there to open the door, not realizing that mommy and daddy aren't magical beings who are always available to take care of your every need. I vaguely remember having a similar dilemma in my childhood.

She tells me her baby sister is at the "baby center." We're in luck! There's a multi-purpose community center room sort of thing literally right next to my apartment building. I assume, stupidly, and probably somewhat drunkenly, that this baby center she's talking about is that same place. My plan is to head over there, explain the situation to the nice ladies who hopefully have the mom's phone number, and extricate myself from this situation. I tell the young girl "Lead the way" because I want her to feel strong and smart.

We head in the exact direction I thought we would. We walk right to the building I thought was the "baby center." We walk right past it. We continue walking past it. Now I'm feeling weird. I ask the kid if this is the way to the place. She says, "Oh yeah. Down this sidewalk, up the block, around the corner, next to the school, down the dirt path."

Now I realize what she means. There's a daycare center in this really weird location. It's not weird that it's next to an elementary school. That's normal. It's weird that it's on this unpaved road, there's this seemingly half-abandoned horse stable behind it, and there's a disturbing number of homeless guys living in the brush nearby.

Picture this. I haven't shaved in days. I'm dressed like poo poo because my plan was to be alone, drink, clean my apartment, and not sweat too much in the heat of the summer. hosed up old t-shirt, messy gym shorts, in desperate need of a haircut, and barefoot. Barefoot because I assumed me and the kiddo were only going to walk fifty feet to the "baby center" I assumed was right next door. It's a hot day. Scorching. My soles are being burned. The poor kid's pants are obviously soaked. And I'm a sloppy white Goon walking with this Chinese child who is very obviously not my daughter.

We have to walk past the elementary school to get to the daycare place. School moms picking up their kids are noticing this situation. Homeless bum looking white guy is escorting a little Chinese girl down a dirt path. I know what they're thinking. And my feet are being cut up by the rocks and debris on the path, so I'm not exactly comfortable in any sense at all. I'm thinking that I'm about to have the cops called on me. I didn't bring my wallet. I have no ID, I'm with a child whose understanding of English isn't perfect, It's the peak of the summer heat, I'm probably hungover, I look like total poo poo, and my feet are burned.

I'm imagining the interrogation.

"Where are your shoes, bum? You got no shoes?"

"Well, I stepped out of my apartment because..."

"What apartment? Your feet are so hosed up, it's obvious you're one of these homeless bums."

"Sir, I can explain..."

"You been drinking?"

"Yes, but that's not..."

"You like little Asian girls, rear end in a top hat?"

Luck comes through for me. The crossing guard lady recognizes me. She sees me almost every day because I cross her intersection on my way home from work. I can't describe the look on her face. Shock? She takes in all the visible information I have described in this story in an instant but cross-references it with the fact I've been so polite every day before this. I give her a look like "PLEASE HELP ME" because I'm not sure she speaks English. She radios the other school staff. She asks the kiddo her name. We put the puzzle together. The mom was just late picking up the kid at the school, so the kid ran home to use the bathroom. The mom dashes up to us in the parking lot, relieved, but a little disturbed by my disheveled appearance. I explain that I live downstairs with my wife and so on. We walk back to the apartment complex together, meeting the dad on the way. Bit awkward.

Saw them the next day. They were in high spirits. My feet were in severe pain.

All in all, a kid had a bad day, as we all do when we're young, and I think I almost got arrested for abducting a child while dressed like a vagrant and probably smelling of booze.

This one's 2 sentences tho

quote:

I'll never in my life understand 90s nostalgia. I was there for all ten years of the 90s and they all loving sucked.

the 80s sucked too and 80s nostalgia lasted longer than the loving 80s did

# ? Oct 23, 2019 13:49

TheBizzness: Oct 5, 2004; Reign on me.

Actually both the 80s and 90s were cool as poo poo.

# ? Oct 23, 2019 16:39

Colonel Cancer: Sep 26, 2015; Tune into the fireplace channel, you absolute buffoon

Yeah maybe 1880s/90s

# ? Oct 23, 2019 16:44

Rad-daddio: Apr 25, 2017

@ sloppy Goon: You're a good guy who helped out a confused young child. There's nothing to be embarrassed or ashamed of.

...however, your predicament with regard to your appearance and your level of preparedness is a good indicator that you should probably cut back on the day drinking and take care of yourself a little. Even if you have plans to just let it all go for a bit there's a perceivable difference between "normal guy who is just being lazy for a couple days" and "I'm pretty close to looking like a bum all the time".

# ? Oct 23, 2019 16:59

Rad-daddio: Apr 25, 2017

Also, what happened with the cheater goon? Did he really just end up living with his hot young mistress and that was it?

# ? Oct 23, 2019 17:01

A Strange Aeon: Mar 26, 2010; You are now a slimy little toad; The Great Twist

Rad-daddio posted:

Also, what happened with the cheater goon? Did he really just end up living with his hot young mistress and that was it?

I thought he included some foreshadowing with his hot mistress getting attracted to his teenage son, but then never delivered.

# ? Oct 23, 2019 17:13

loquacius: Oct 21, 2008

Yeah, I read that whole story now, and child-finding goon, I can honestly say that you're overthinking. You had a social interaction you weren't prepared for for several reasons, and it triggered your anxiety. I don't think you were seriously in danger of being arrested during any point in that. Glad everything turned out ok

Rad-daddio posted:

Also, what happened with the cheater goon? Did he really just end up living with his hot young mistress and that was it?

He has actually sent an update, which I also didn't have time to read this morning, so I didn't post it

# ? Oct 23, 2019 17:15

Rad-daddio: Apr 25, 2017

loquacius posted:

Yeah, I read that whole story now, and child-finding goon, I can honestly say that you're overthinking. You had a social interaction you weren't prepared for for several reasons, and it triggered your anxiety. I don't think you were seriously in danger of being arrested during any point in that. Glad everything turned out ok

He has actually sent an update, which I also didn't have time to read this morning, so I didn't post it

# ? Oct 23, 2019 17:20

Nocheez: Sep 5, 2000; Can you spare a little cheddar?; Nap Ghost

Rad-daddio posted:

Also, what happened with the cheater goon? Did he really just end up living with his hot young mistress and that was it?

loquacius posted:

He has actually sent an update, which I also didn't have time to read this morning, so I didn't post it

What a perfectly timed coincidence! And not at all suspicious, in any way.

# ? Oct 23, 2019 17:49

loquacius: Oct 21, 2008

Nocheez posted:

What a perfectly timed coincidence! And not at all suspicious, in any way.

lol he actually sent it a while ago, it only isn't posted yet because I am trash

# ? Oct 23, 2019 17:50

New Wave Jose: Aug 20, 2008

You know what to do :justpost:

# ? Oct 23, 2019 18:07

wesleywillis: Dec 30, 2016; SUCK A MALE CAMEL'S DICK WITH MIRACLE WHIP!!

Yeah, hurry up and post OP.
Also, hurry up and post therapy goon update, we know you've been holding out on those too.

# ? Oct 23, 2019 19:34

Rad-daddio: Apr 25, 2017

Nocheez posted:

What a perfectly timed coincidence! And not at all suspicious, in any way.

Nah, I'm too stable and goony to live like cheater goon.

It's just my drug, second only to couples trying to "open the relationship" in the r/relationships thread.

# ? Oct 23, 2019 20:51

Solice Kirsk: Jun 1, 2004; .

wesleywillis posted:

Yeah, hurry up and post OP.
Also, hurry up and post therapy goon update, we know you've been holding out on those too.

The one who moved to like Siberia or something because he decided to gently caress his therapist? I miss that guy.

# ? Oct 23, 2019 20:56

text me a vag pic: May 18, 2007

Solice Kirsk posted:

The one who moved to like Siberia or something because he decided to gently caress his therapist? I miss that guy.

yes what happened to therapyfucker

# ? Oct 23, 2019 21:51

purple death ray: Jul 28, 2007; me omw 2 steal ur girl

text me a vag pic posted:

yes what happened to therapyfucker

Going by his last few confessions he's in several different landfills by now

# ? Oct 23, 2019 21:57

Elentor: Dec 14, 2004; by Jeffrey of YOSPOS

I'm with whoever made that confession about the 90's. If there's ever a lovely Black Mirror episode where I get to live an afterlife trapped in a Matrix-like recreation of the real world I'm gonna configure it to skip the 90's entirely.

# ? Oct 24, 2019 10:24

Bargearse: Nov 27, 2006; 🛑 Don't get your pen🖊️, son, you won't be 👌 needing that 😌. My 🥡 order's 💁 simple😉, a shitload 💩 of dim sims 🌯🀄. And I want a bucket 🪣 of soya sauce☕😋.

Elentor posted:

lovely Black Mirror episode

You repeat yourself

# ? Oct 24, 2019 10:33

Good Ol Filbert: Jun 10, 2019

I bumped my head with the corner of the kitchen cabinet door while I was high and washing the dishes. It really hurt and I had to sit down for a few minutes. I have a lump there now and it hurts when I touch it. I don't want to tell anybody in real life because I'm clumsy and they'll make fun of me because it's kind of to be expected. But, it really hurts and I'm sadly rubbing it right now. My secret pain shame.

# ? Oct 24, 2019 10:46

Elentor: Dec 14, 2004; by Jeffrey of YOSPOS

Bargearse posted:

You repeat yourself

Fair.

# ? Oct 24, 2019 10:54

Splicer: Oct 16, 2006; from hell's heart I cast at thee
🧙🐀🧹🌙🪄🐸

Good Ol Filbert posted:

I bumped my head with the corner of the kitchen cabinet door while I was high and washing the dishes. It really hurt and I had to sit down for a few minutes. I have a lump there now and it hurts when I touch it. I don't want to tell anybody in real life because I'm clumsy and they'll make fun of me because it's kind of to be expected. But, it really hurts and I'm sadly rubbing it right now. My secret pain shame.

This is a common use case for owning a dog. Non-judgemental sympathy and also they will lick the bump.

# ? Oct 24, 2019 11:40

Good Ol Filbert: Jun 10, 2019

Splicer posted:

This is a common use case for owning a dog. Non-judgemental sympathy and also they will lick the bump.

It didn't occur to me to go seek comfort from our family dog, but now that you reminded me, I'm going to go see Dr. Yogi Bear more often. Thank you :shobon:

# ? Oct 24, 2019 11:55

therattle: Jul 24, 2007; Soiled Meat

Good Ol Filbert posted:

I bumped my head with the corner of the kitchen cabinet door while I was high and washing the dishes. It really hurt and I had to sit down for a few minutes. I have a lump there now and it hurts when I touch it. I don't want to tell anybody in real life because I'm clumsy and they'll make fun of me because it's kind of to be expected. But, it really hurts and I'm sadly rubbing it right now. My secret pain shame.

I hope you�ve learned a valuable lesson about the perils of drug abuse.

# ? Oct 24, 2019 12:09

Good Ol Filbert: Jun 10, 2019

therattle posted:

I hope you�ve learned a valuable lesson about the perils of drug abuse.

Oh, I have sir, most definitely.

# ? Oct 24, 2019 12:17

tactlessbastard: Feb 4, 2001; Godspeed, post; Fun Shoe

Good Ol Filbert posted:

It didn't occur to me to go seek comfort from our family dog, but now that you reminded me, I'm going to go see Dr. Yogi Bear more often. Thank you >

Please don't molest your dog

# ? Oct 24, 2019 12:30

loquacius: Oct 21, 2008

Ok here it is ya filthy animals

quote:

I saw the confessions thread pop back up, so I thought I'd give you all another update.

Hot coworker and I are still happily together. Oddly enough, we're still just chugging along like we've been together for years. Since the new school year started, I've been spending my afternoons with the kids from the middle school. We got a new 3D printer, so I've been having them set it up. Hot coworker usually comes to hang out with me while I'm there, which is neat because my ex wife never would and she was always angry about me spending time with other people's kids. It's great to be with someone so laid back. My wife used to be so uptight about everything all the time. She always had an opinion about everything, and it was rare that a day would go by without her criticizing some small thing that I did.

My ex wife started going to church, and she met a guy there and they've been seeing each other. We're not in contact, besides when stuff regarding the kids comes up, but I've been stalking her instagram. The guy she's dating is kind of a loser, and he has a facebook page full of your typical pro Trump anti-immigrant right wing bullshit. She was never like that when we were together, so I don't know if she's just tolerating this guy as some kind of rebound but it's not my call to make. The optics regarding my life probably don't look too great either, so I'm in no position to judge. My two sons hate the guy, and they're always talking poo poo about him when they're over at my place.

Hot coworker ran into one of her exes while we were out to dinner about a month ago. The guy was about her age, and he was in great shape and he could've been a model for all I knew. I won't lie, I felt really insecure watching them talk to each other. But, I smiled and shook the guy's hand and we had a brief conversation before his ride showed up. When we got home, hot coworker almost tackled me and we ended up having sex on the living room floor. I asked her what that was all about, and she said that seeing me be polite and confident around her ex was the biggest turn on for her. I was basically putting on a brave face since I felt super inadequate, but I guess it loving worked. Other than that, it's been smooth sailing for us.

My workplace has been expanding. We took on a client who's primary field is research and development for military-related optical devices, so it gives the company a chance to do higher paying government work without having to go through all of the regulatory paperwork and stuff. Since we've hired more people, I've been busy training them and our front office got a couple of new employees as well so hot coworker got promoted to a sort of management position instead of being the only person in the office.

So, all in all everything is pretty chill. I know it's not exciting and drama-filled, but since it's my life I'm glad that it's been quiet for now.

This one's also an update; the first half of it is basically a Previously On to help you remember who this guy is

quote:

Previously :
I posted a long time ago, about getting random erections at work due to medications .. and some co workers.

I'm about between 7-8" and said I'd kind of tuck it behind the balls. or try to sit and move it downwards or something. These weren't like full blown erections, more half mast and malleable. so I could kind of move it around.

Well, the hot Dominican left. But one of the coworkers has sent me some like racy .. I'd say pg13, rated, bra .. underwear..
But now I want to rock her world. It'd never happen as she is happily married. But, I've started to kind of embrace it, wearing tighter pants. More form fitting jeans on Fridays (we're allowed). And I've noticed some chicks checking it out.

With all my mental issues, I really have no desire to pursue anyone. But .. Just embracing that they can see a good outline of what I've got going on, is kind of cool.

I figure guys will look unabashedly at cleavage sometimes, .. then why not? Why not put my dick out there? ...

For the record, I'm single, but not even looking. I'm not a virgin, but Jesus, trying to start any sort of relationship right now would be insane.

Oh. Okay aliens yeah i saw them bigfoot him too, and uh. the Mothman.

But for real? I've embraced that sometimes my erection is just going to be visible. 'c'est la vie'

---- Update

So to follow up, she hasn't sent me any more pictures. She's still kind of flirty, sometimes. Some days shes just straight up cold. Someone mentioned that she wouldn't f sent me pics if she was 'Happily Married'. But I think she gets off on teasing me, I know for a fact she's look at my package.

She still flirts with me, sometimes., I think she justs get off on teasing a dude. She showed me a picture of her in a school girl outfit from lke 1o years ago, Hot as gently caress.

But, I'm pretty sure nothing is going to ever hapen. Mentioned she is happily married, and honestly I don't think I would want to mess that up. (unless she suddenly became super aggresive)

So, I'll just get as many mental pictures, as I can. Her tops can be kinda loose, so I take what I can get.

-- she isn't the only one that has noticed my package, I can see these womem's eyes. Like some .. older chicks aren't shy about it.

I still flirt with my girl, and can get a hug every now and then, I'm down with that. Of course, I want more, but I'm not super creepy.

# ? Oct 24, 2019 12:39

Solice Kirsk: Jun 1, 2004; .

Good on you hot coworker guy! It's cool that everything is chugging along well for you.

Also, am I the only one who hopes he just calls her Hot Coworker in real life?

# ? Oct 24, 2019 13:47

loquacius: Oct 21, 2008

Hot Cohabitator

# ? Oct 24, 2019 15:24

wesleywillis: Dec 30, 2016; SUCK A MALE CAMEL'S DICK WITH MIRACLE WHIP!!

Nice job on not showing that you're jealous hot co-worker goon. Thats a pretty big turn off for girls. Or so I've been told.

# ? Oct 24, 2019 20:24

Rad-daddio: Apr 25, 2017

Good Ol Filbert posted:

I bumped my head with the corner of the kitchen cabinet door while I was high and washing the dishes. It really hurt and I had to sit down for a few minutes. I have a lump there now and it hurts when I touch it. I don't want to tell anybody in real life because I'm clumsy and they'll make fun of me because it's kind of to be expected. But, it really hurts and I'm sadly rubbing it right now. My secret pain shame.

My wife and I were painting the kitchen a few years ago, and she actually managed to hit her face against a cabinet door and it gave her a legit black eye.

Que the following two weeks of everyone accusing me of hitting her, and her workplace HR pulling her aside to ask if she wanted help filing domestic abuse charges.

Me: No, seriously. She hit her face on a cabinet.

The Entire World: Suuurre. Whatever you say, Ike Turner...

# ? Oct 25, 2019 16:28

Adbot: ADBOT LOVES YOU

# ? May 25, 2024 07:36

Sagebrush: Feb 26, 2012

Rad-daddio posted:

My wife and I were painting the kitchen a few years ago, and she actually managed to hit her face against a cabinet door and it gave her a legit black eye.

Que the following two weeks of everyone accusing me of hitting her, and her workplace HR pulling her aside to ask if she wanted help filing domestic abuse charges.

Me: No, seriously. She hit her face on a cabinet.

The Entire World: Suuurre. Whatever you say, Ike Turner...

Cue

# ? Oct 25, 2019 16:33

The Something Awful Forums > Main > General Bullshit > Anonymous Confessions: I had an extremely weird dream that's going to become relevant

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