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Good evening, and thank you all for joining me here tonight. It is with a heavy heart that I announce that I, forums poster hamjobs, am no longer running for president. It's been a long campaign trail and while we faced and overcame such great challenges as the Illinois State Fair Pie Eating Contest, the Miss Georgia Peach Festival Dunk Tank and tax liabilities greater than my income on paper, I believe it's time to hang up my hat and put my support behind another, greater candidate: literally a baby with a tiny Hitler moustache. Baby Hit, as he's known to the zoomers and his supporters, has great plans, many huge plans, for this country, and is the right choice to lead us into a brighter future. I would like to thank everyone for their support during the campaign, and to those who didn't (Janet), for their creative criticism during my bid for election. |
# ? Dec 5, 2019 21:38 |
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# ? May 16, 2024 17:51 |
i would just like to say that every baby i kissed has my disease now and i am glad of it
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# ? Dec 5, 2019 21:55 |
you all know my wife of course, but i would like to call to the stage right now a very fine lady to give a few words: folks, please put your hands together and give a warm welcome to my mistress
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# ? Dec 5, 2019 21:58 |
my opponent may have won this round, and i congratulate her for it, but mark well- i will have my revenge
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# ? Dec 5, 2019 21:59 |
i've just been informed by my lawyer that the crimes i acknowledged committing earlier in my concession speech "still count" even though i lost the election, and so i would like to categorically deny committing each and every one of those murders
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# ? Dec 5, 2019 22:05 |
*undoes belt buckle, allows gut to resume its natural flow*
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# ? Dec 5, 2019 22:10 |
i cannot-a believe-a the Holy Spirit did not-a choose me, the holiest of all-a the Cardinals!!!
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# ? Dec 5, 2019 22:14 |
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while technically i, Galactic lord bigtoast am perpetually running for office, i am making this announcement to say that we are no longer actively campaigning, and we do not expect to participate in the first, or the second, or even the third primary debate, as the american people are not ready to receive the campaigns message, of giving every american a big toaster, we're talkingg a big big toaster... just a huge toaster, bigger than your goddamn head, just a wowbazow big ol big big big huge toaster to toast huge huge toast, and it appears people are just too white/racist to understand or appreciate the message in this climate |
# ? Dec 5, 2019 22:52 |
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Honestly my, *ouch*, i mean as a family we decided that after my.... Indiscretions *ouch gently caress Jeremy* uh.... My poor behavior it's time to exit the race and focus on my family.
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# ? Dec 5, 2019 23:56 |
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Thank you everyone, thanks for supporting me. I decided that it is time to come clean: I really only wanted to make sure Vicky doesn't win this, now that this is done, I will no longer run for office and leave you in the competent hands of.. I dunno I didn't watch the news, whatever. Suck it, Vicky, next time you better hand me the drat butter.
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# ? Dec 6, 2019 00:13 |
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"In hindsight perhaps I should have thought through my campaign slogan a bit better. I had hoped it would carry my platform further in the race, but I see now that I could have used a bit more polish on the slogan and worked on something perhaps a bit more appealing to the voters. Thank you again for your support through this election! Maybe next year we can come up with something as honest but less blunt than "Vote For Me, You Bastards!" Thank you, and good night!" |
# ? Dec 6, 2019 01:02 |
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While it is true that I am no longer running for president, I will remind you that I am still briskly walking for president, with the occasional little jog when crossing the street.
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# ? Dec 6, 2019 01:23 |
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it's a half marathon campaign, okay? i do NOT have the knee strength to last a full one leave me alone
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# ? Dec 6, 2019 02:01 |
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peace bitches gently caress ya'll
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# ? Dec 6, 2019 02:49 |
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I took some imodium yesterday, and I'm happy to say I'm no longer running for office. Hopefully the cleaners will be done with it by tomorrow morning. |
# ? Dec 6, 2019 05:28 |
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*the trench coat collapses, it turns out i was three kids standing on each other this whole time* |
# ? Dec 6, 2019 07:05 |
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Voter? I BARELY KNEW 'ER!
Escape From Noise fucked around with this message at 08:02 on Dec 6, 2019 |
# ? Dec 6, 2019 07:41 |
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My concession speech contains a thinly veiled codephrase for a brutal military coup and purge. The tall trees must fall. Let's see who gets to be on the schoolboard now, Sharon. |
# ? Dec 6, 2019 08:06 |
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HEY IM JOE FUCKIN BIDEN AND I SHOULD BE IN HERE BUT I'M A HUGE FUCKIN HITLER AND I WON'T CUZ I GOT THE FUCKIN BRAINSHITS AND ALL MY MONEY HAS MADE ME AS DUMB AS YOU CAN FUCKIN BE BEFORE YOUR BODY JUST SWALLOWS YOUR OWN TONGUE TO DO THE SPECIES A FAVOR
crimes |
# ? Dec 6, 2019 08:07 |
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thanks to these voter amendments making me county coroner for life, I'll never have to run again. *ponders the irony of being a coroner for life* *later ironically dies of a coronary* |
# ? Dec 6, 2019 08:11 |
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PHIZ KALIFA posted:HEY IM JOE FUCKIN BIDEN AND I SHOULD BE IN HERE BUT I'M A HUGE FUCKIN HITLER AND I WON'T CUZ I GOT THE FUCKIN BRAINSHITS AND ALL MY MONEY HAS MADE ME AS DUMB AS YOU CAN FUCKIN BE BEFORE YOUR BODY JUST SWALLOWS YOUR OWN TONGUE TO DO THE SPECIES A FAVOR *Howard Stern coughing nervously on mic* |
# ? Dec 6, 2019 08:12 |
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I am stepping down but my pizzaponents will face a day of buttery garliconning. I have tasted their foul victory. It will taste like Domino's in their mouths!
Escape From Noise fucked around with this message at 08:50 on Dec 6, 2019 |
# ? Dec 6, 2019 08:44 |
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Quote isn't edit |
# ? Dec 6, 2019 08:49 |
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I would like to thank everyone for their support during my campaign BUT gently caress ALL Y'ALL I QUIT MOTHERFUCKERS WOOOOOOOOOOO GOTCHA I NEVER WANTED THAT JOB OWNED! FOR MILLIONS, YOU WERE ALL OWNED HAHAHAHA |
# ? Dec 6, 2019 17:25 |
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wow to think that i was about to lead the PTA without knowing it stands for Pretty Terrible Assholes
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# ? Dec 6, 2019 17:27 |
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hamjobs posted:I would like to thank everyone for their support during my campaign BUT gently caress ALL Y'ALL I QUIT MOTHERFUCKERS WOOOOOOOOOOO GOTCHA I NEVER WANTED THAT JOB "and now a word from our vice... uh, i guess, our running leader?" "PSYCHE NERDS peace ouuuuuttttttttttt"
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# ? Dec 6, 2019 17:36 |
you gotta admit I played this stinkin' city like a harp from hell !!!
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# ? Dec 6, 2019 21:53 |
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I realize this is fairly late in the race, what with it being 7 years 364 days into my presidency, but I must reluctantly withdraw and concede to my opponent. Thank you all for your support. Ha ha, Phil, I guess you "win!" Enjoy it while it lasts! |
# ? Dec 7, 2019 05:13 |
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I've decided to stop running for office, and am now running for g-suite instead, thank you. |
# ? Dec 7, 2019 06:21 |
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Bonaventure posted:i would just like to say that every baby i kissed has my disease now and i am glad of it |
# ? Dec 7, 2019 06:29 |
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Maybe not so much a lol and the best lol, but I ran for state assembly in 1992 and spent $200 and got 8% , but I am no longer running for office. |
# ? Dec 7, 2019 09:55 |
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Now, to ponder over my next role in furthering the goals of this great nation, I've decided to hike the Appalachian Trail *boards plane for Argentina* |
# ? Dec 7, 2019 22:16 |
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member when i said i cared about you, and your feelings? that, actually, was a lie. gently caress you i have your money now idiotos
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# ? Dec 7, 2019 22:24 |
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el dorito posted:Now, to ponder over my next role in furthering the goals of this great nation, I've decided to hike the Appalachian Trail Classic |
# ? Dec 8, 2019 02:45 |
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I've decided to take the advice of America as I've received in droves on Twitter. I'm taking the opportunity to announce my exploratory committee for the possibility of running for clown, at the circus
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# ? Dec 9, 2019 06:15 |
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folks, i hosed up
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# ? Dec 9, 2019 06:40 |
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i have decided to step away to spend more time with my partner and our little guys. she has shield and i have sword, and we are making great progress towards filling our dex completely |
# ? Dec 9, 2019 06:58 |
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canyoneer posted:i have decided to step away to spend more time with my partner and our little guys. she has shield and i have sword, and we are making great progress towards filling our dex completely Folks, I know I made a campaign promise that every voter can either battle or pet my pikachu but he was a gift that I never really wanted. I wanted an eevee. And I can't live this lie anymore. See y'all in Lavender Town. I mean, the denny's on main and studebaker. |
# ? Dec 9, 2019 08:02 |
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The MUMPSorceress posted:I've decided to take the advice of America as I've received in droves on Twitter. I'm taking the opportunity to announce my exploratory committee for the possibility of running for clown, at the circus lol
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# ? Dec 9, 2019 10:47 |
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# ? May 16, 2024 17:51 |
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Ladies and gentlemen, I am stepping down after the many (false) accusations of being on ketamine at my son's bar mitzvah. i have not seen the (doctored) video, but i can assure you it's not real. anyway, just to be on the safe side, i'm checking into rehab (don't need it) and my wife is also leaving me (unrelated).
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# ? Dec 9, 2019 11:13 |