(Thread IKs:
Josherino)
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Dec 19, 2019 00:43
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Surely it would be easier to copy/paste than screenshot? I'm just doing my normal thing where I can't sleep at all when I'm nervous about something stupid, and as a result causing whatever I'm nervous about to go horribly wrong due to sleep deprivation. Love my brain Also my coworker got sick, abandoned me during the Christmas crunch (online retailer) and then got me sick right before my vacation that I spent $4,000 on.
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Dec 19, 2019 19:33
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I was supposed to meet my friend this morning. I texted her to let her know what time I would be there. usually she texts back, but she didn't, so I spent the whole drive over there thinking she was dead (she has health issues) and thinking about all the scenarios and what I would have to do, tell her kids, etc etc. She's fine of course. So that was my morning.
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Dec 19, 2019 20:30
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UnfortunateSexFart posted:Surely it would be easier to copy/paste than screenshot? Phone posting my bitch, copying that many dms is a pain
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Dec 19, 2019 20:41
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eric ciaramella posted:I was supposed to meet my friend this morning. I texted her to let her know what time I would be there. usually she texts back, but she didn't, so I spent the whole drive over there thinking she was dead (she has health issues) and thinking about all the scenarios and what I would have to do, tell her kids, etc etc. She's fine of course. I get this often. I try to think of it in Schroedinger's cat terms - she is neither dead nor alive until I observe her in that state. Somehow that calms my anxiety.
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Dec 19, 2019 20:44
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Couldn't sleep last night due to my probation review, ended up getting told I'm fuckin amazing and got a $5,000 raise. Further proof that my brain is my biggest enemy.
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Dec 20, 2019 04:05
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Apparently my boss talked me up at some big regional meeting this week and now he thinks they want to promote me Promotion would mean more hours per work, mandatory, slightly more money per hour, first person called in when someone calls out with no way to say no gently caress that, I'll refuse and if they force it I'll quit
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Dec 20, 2019 04:55
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BENGHAZI 2 posted:Apparently my boss talked me up at some big regional meeting this week and now he thinks they want to promote me good boss lol
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Dec 20, 2019 04:58
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got any sevens posted:good boss He wasnr even trying to get me promoted he was just real about how I've been there for three or four months and he trusts me to do basically everything in the store, including stuff he won't let the other assistant manager, who technically outranks me, or any of the regular employees do, and how I've basically absorbed the job like a sponge and keep track of all kinds of bullshit so he doesn't have to And now whoops
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Dec 20, 2019 05:04
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Also this store is actually functioning smoother with me there specifically because I keep track of all the little stuff and know what needs to get done when and when to ignore his instructions and just take care of things and if they promote me they'll send me somewhere else and a) come on I'm just starting to have an impact here b) I don't want to go to another store unless it's the one by my apartment that I can walk to
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Dec 20, 2019 05:06
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UnfortunateSexFart posted:Couldn't sleep last night due to my probation review, ended up getting told I'm fuckin amazing and got a $5,000 raise. Further proof that my brain is my biggest enemy. Hell yeah!!!
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Dec 20, 2019 06:48
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UnfortunateSexFart posted:Couldn't sleep last night due to my probation review, ended up getting told I'm fuckin amazing and got a $5,000 raise. Further proof that my brain is my biggest enemy. its fear that makes us fail. only fear.
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Dec 20, 2019 07:55
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Chokes McGee posted:it’s fear that makes us fail. only fear. Ehh I don't really like that because circumstances absolutely play a huge role. It took me 30 years to even have the chance to change my circumstances through a lucky break and then everything fell into place when I finally gtfo'd. And my health has been poo poo for reasons out of my control. Fear does hold a lot of people back though. One of my wife's friends didn't sell her place when we did and now she's losing $5,000 equity per week. We only didn't fear failure because we were miserable and had nothing to lose.
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Dec 20, 2019 12:40
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every few months a counseling center nearby drops flyers in the mail, and apparently at just the right length of time for me to forget about them enough to just look at the weather and say maybe I should try these people their board of directors is like 90% ministers or holy people of some stripe and it makes me remember that, oh yeah, even when I do want to get help I have to remember that most places that want to offer it are going to be staffed with people who are happy being or working with bigots and that if I'm not careful I'll be signing up for people trying to fix me because I like dick and I just use it as an excuse to give up more I wish these dumb dispiriting things didn't always happen on Fridays for some reason, they probably don't and it's just confirmation bias, but everything lately is just a bunch of shut up and give up signs. nothing helps, i can donate to charity and efforts I know are good here and otherwise but all it does it make me feel like I'm only useful for my money, since I can't really, like, participate or help myself, that'd just make everything much worse this is stupid venting for no good reason, I just got mad at a flyer and I should have better control over my emotions, gently caress knows I have few enough of them anymore.
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Dec 20, 2019 22:59
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Zvahl posted:this is stupid venting for no good reason, I just got mad at a flyer and I should have better control over my emotions, gently caress knows I have few enough of them anymore. having emotions isn't stupid. that's an extremely reasonable thing to be frustrated about. and sometimes all there is to do is vent what makes you say you can't participate in things?
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Dec 20, 2019 23:16
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I have a tendency to swing from hope to despair and back. I feel like my life has been nothing but the slow grinding of misery and abuse, and the reason I didnt off myself years ago is because of an effort and determination to reach a place in my life and a state of mind where I can be content. But because of climate change I feel like I dont have a future. I feel like my life will just be a miserable chore until it is snuffed out by forces far beyond my control. Im so angry with older generations. My parents personally for ruining my childhood, and boomers generally for ruining any hope I might have at a dignified life with their stupidity, selfishness, and greed.
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Dec 21, 2019 00:55
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animist posted:having emotions isn't stupid. that's an extremely reasonable thing to be frustrated about. and sometimes all there is to do is vent It feels pointless to spew off a litany of reasons why when I realize that they're all lies I'm telling myself because my brain is broken, but the one I keep coming back to is a sad little aphorism that everyone tells children. It doesn't matter what other people think of you, only what you think of yourself. It's something I took in and threw away for decades, but it's true. People tell it to you to make you feel better, but I just wasn't really able to realize the truth of it until I saw how terrible and awful it is. It really doesn't matter what other people think of you, including things like "I want to involve myself in this person's life to make them feel better" or "Hey he's going through it but maybe I can distract him and make the day a little better," because, not really. What do you do when you can see someone else feeling uncomfortable after they try and fail to make things better? Even if it's all in my goddamned head, as is almost certain, does that matter? If all I can think about is "well, now I've made this person's day worse, and it wouldn't have been if I'd just not been here," then, is it not true? There's a goddamn horror in the truth behind the power of belief, even if it's brought about by chemical imbalances or other brain defects. As long as I'm hosed up in the head, all I can realistically hope to do by interacting with people is make their situation worse, or, worse, inspire pity. I know this isn't a true thing, but, gently caress, I don't like making people sad, especially when it's supposed to be a fun time. But that's always what it's going to be until I do years of expensive therapy and find drugs that work to fix things, and I barely remember how to start a conversation anymore, because the alternative to just shutting up is a really off-putting stream of consciousness dump like this. Bleh.
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Dec 21, 2019 01:03
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Zvahl posted:every few months a counseling center nearby drops flyers in the mail, and apparently at just the right length of time for me to forget about them enough to just look at the weather and say maybe I should try these people there are some christian sects like UCC Congregational, Episcopal, Methodist, and non christian sects like unitarians who arent homophobic assholes and bigots at least on paper. I'm not religious and likely a religious councilor of any stripe would probably give you a heaping helping of god at some point, but they're not all bigots, fwiw
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Dec 21, 2019 01:35
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I feel like absolute loving garbage and am so afraid of getting a therapist because (a) no insurance, and (b) I don't feel like spending six sessions catching up therapists with how lovely my life has been only to run out of time or money to keep seeing them like I feel like I have every other time before. I know a lot of my issues are my fault for just not taking advantage of the actual resources available to me, but trying to take advantage of even the simplest things always turns into the biggest uphill battle possible and I just can't afford to fight another fight. PTSD and epilepsy are just kicking my rear end in tangent and I desperately want to actually get my life together, but I can't bear one more disappointment of "supposedly reasonable request just gets denied to me."
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Dec 21, 2019 22:44
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Zvahl posted:It feels pointless to spew off a litany of reasons why when I realize that they're all lies I'm telling myself because my brain is broken, but the one I keep coming back to is a sad little aphorism that everyone tells children. that's a tough place to be in. so, i spent a decade not getting real help because I was afraid that sharing my thoughts would hurt other people. i mean I literally thought it would hurt them. I thought my obsessive thoughts were so powerful, such keen observations on the nature of time and the futility of existence, that they would make other people see the light, and commit suicide. i couldn't bear asking for help because i was afraid of that. you know what happened when I finally broke down and committed myself? i had to tell my story to a bunch of different docs and nurses and shrinks, and without fail, every single one of them just stared at me, completely perplexed. I'd go back and try and clarify, no you don't understand, time isn't real, everything is instantaneous, I'm already dead! and they'd just say "okay" and write some notes and go on with their lives. one of two of them were like, huh, that's pretty dark. that's it. after a while I learned to be able to trace the edges of where my thought process becomes the most distorted, where I start making leaps of logic. If I talk to other people with similar issues about their particular obsessions, I can see where they go off the rails, and trace the similarity in my thought process. I'm *aware* that, in that particular topic, I am disconnected from baseline reality, as defined by everybody else I've ever talked to about it. and you know what? all my obsessive thoughts still feel exactly as fuckin true. all that logic doesn't change my gut understanding one bit. turns out you can't reason your way out of your fundamental experience of reality; shocker. so, in your case, some people try and help you, and end up feeling a little awkward because it doesn't really take. ok. have you ruined their lives by their interaction? probably not. logically, you can reason out that it was basically a wash. but that doesn't stop you from feeling like you've, I don't know, stabbed them. or just made their lives worse. so this brings us to your question: how do you choose to live, knowing that you're gonna keep feeling that way? well, how do I choose to live, knowing that I'm an instant from death, and everyone I've ever loved has long rotted to dust? my answer is: i choose to. yeet. i accept the futility of all my actions, and do what I want anyway, because I can. and once I had that answer, i was able to dig my way out of the pit. and the funny thing is: accepting the reality of the thoughts and fears I'm so afraid of... it made them much easier to bear. they still hurt, sometimes. it's sad to look at my mom and imagine the years she has left disappearing before me like sand. but weirdly enough, I can still enjoy helping her cook Thanksgiving dinner while that image is in my head. more broadly: I think the best way to deal with negative thoughts, with pain, is to let them in, accept them; but keep them at a distance. they're guests, they don't run the show. okay, these negative feelings are here today, these unpleasant thoughts and images are gonna hang out. alright. now, what do I want to do? my invitation would be: try and see what it's like to just accept your fears. okay, I'm gonna be miserable for a while, and I'm gonna feel embarrassed because I don't have anything to talk about except feeling depressed. that sucks. now, what do I want to do? regarding your worries about hurting other people by asking for help: it's scary to share pain, because you know it will hurt the other person. but, when we're in serious pain, often the only way to handle it is by sharing the load. and people will step up to help -- not because it brings them pleasure. simply because it's a thing people choose to do. if someone has made the offer to listen, and you've accepted; all you can do is trust them to be able to take what you're offering. in conclusion: 
animist has issued a correction as of 10:48 on Dec 22, 2019 |
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Dec 22, 2019 10:42
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Have you read Phillip K Dick because that basically sounds like one of his later novels
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Dec 22, 2019 14:41
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how on earth do you stop your anxiety from ruining good things? I am going home for the week to see my family and I'm so nervous about traveling that it's casting a pall on the whole endeavor. I'll be away from my cat for the first time since I adopted her so I'm fretting about that...I also hear back about a new job tomorrow. I think I am in a relationship now and I'm also worried about making GBS threads things up with my anxiety. I keep thinking that with a week apart the shine will wear off of me super fast and I'll get dumped. I know this is just rampant insecurity talking but I am not sure how to stop. In conclusion, yes I emailed my therapist and yes I will take fries with that.
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Dec 22, 2019 18:34
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PsychedelicWarlord posted:how on earth do you stop your anxiety from ruining good things? I am going home for the week to see my family and I'm so nervous about traveling that it's casting a pall on the whole endeavor. I'll be away from my cat for the first time since I adopted her so I'm fretting about that...I also hear back about a new job tomorrow. Maybe you have some other issue that's driving the anxiety? I know i used to get pretty bad anxiety until I found out I had ADD and started getting medicated for that. I still get anxiety sometimes but it's more manageable now that I'm handling the root problem. Maybe something similar is happening to you? As for actually dealing with it, the way I keep mine under control is by just jumping into whatever is scaring me. My anxiety is of the kind where I put off doing stuff for fear that I'll gently caress it up and everyone will hate me. I think if you are in a relationship, you should let your SO know how you are feeling. They will know something is up and will want to help you, and you talking to them about your fears will give them an idea of what they can do to help. All that said, you do have plenty of stuff to feel nervous about, so dont feel bad about being anxious! Those are all big things that would make anyone tense. You are not alone in feeling that way--it is perfectly normal. Deep breaths, deal with what you can, and keep yourself busy until its time to see your family so you dont get too wrapped up in your own thoughts.
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Dec 22, 2019 19:07
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quote:All that said, you do have plenty of stuff to feel nervous about, so dont feel bad about being anxious! Those are all big things that would make anyone tense. You are not alone in feeling that way--it is perfectly normal. Deep breaths, deal with what you can, and keep yourself busy until its time to see your family so you dont get too wrapped up in your own thoughts. Thanks CDM... it's helpful to know that this is pretty normal. I think anxiety can be very isolating and it makes you think that you are uniquely afflicted. When actually it's quite pedestrian. This is all really helpful to remember so I appreciate it.
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Dec 22, 2019 19:45
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PsychedelicWarlord posted:Thanks CDM... it's helpful to know that this is pretty normal. I think anxiety can be very isolating and it makes you think that you are uniquely afflicted. When actually it's quite pedestrian. This is all really helpful to remember so I appreciate it. No problem buddy! Even when we feel alone, we will always have people who want the best for us! Whether its us forums goons or the people you know irl, you have friends and we are rooting for you!
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Dec 22, 2019 20:41
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cool dance moves posted:No problem buddy! Even when we feel alone, we will always have people who want the best for us! Whether its us forums goons or the people you know irl, you have friends and we are rooting for you! This made me a little misty eyed. I'm happy that cspam has so many good people in it
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Dec 22, 2019 23:34
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I just started having a low grade anxiety attack a couple hours before work I need out of this job
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Dec 23, 2019 00:40
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animist posted:in conclusion: I appreciate the thought-out response, but it gets me back into the same rut of "I need professional help to even start with this." Where do you start from if you don't want things like that anymore? "...and do what I want anyway" is staggeringly alien at this point. I do things that I have to (work, errands), but that's horseshit and doesn't count. I occasionally take a walk around the neighborhood just because I find myself actually going stir crazy working from home, but I didn't do that regularly before, I just do it now because I'm an actual shut-in. The only thing I do that I actually quote unquote want to do anymore is just get too high to care, because at least out of my mind on stimulants or hungover is not where I normally am. Worse, yes, but different. There's not really anybody to talk to anymore, either. I lost most of my online friends when bf dumped me, either because it turned me into a sad sack or they liked him more, it doesn't really matter, I guess. This is the most social I've attempted to be in literally almost two years that wasn't about drugs or sex, and I know know know that I'm doing it for the worst reason, because I'm feeling sorry for myself and know how difficult the solution will be. The last time I tried to fix anything, it was when I had awful insurance, but could at least go to the doctor. I thought that trying antidepressants/psychotics without therapy might at least help a little, since that was all I could afford, but it kinda just felt like I got a bunch of side effects and nothing else. But as I had no medical feedback on the issue I suppose it's irrelevant. I'm just ranting again now, so I apologize, but I've just been operating on fumes for so long that I don't even know what wanting poo poo means anymore, I just want it to not hurt and be so scary all the time and that's not a good way to accomplish anything.
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Dec 23, 2019 20:08
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a year ago today I was thinking a little too seriously about doing some really bad things because life was too much. life can get better 
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Dec 26, 2019 01:32
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Zvahl posted:I appreciate the thought-out response, but it gets me back into the same rut of "I need professional help to even start with this." hey friend, your brain has decided that pleasure is impossible now, which is miserable. i've known and lived this, and your justifications are really similar to the things i told myself over and over but the thing is i was wrong and you are too you can't feel good about things because the part of your brain that lets you feel good things isn't working. this doesn't actually mean you are rational, just that you'll be very good at rationalizing. you have a disease, it can be treated, and your feeling of hopelessness is directly caused by the problem i tried mediation and it worked for me, i don't if that's your answer. but you don't need professional help to make the first step, which is not giving up (i wish there was a less cheesy way to say it but it that's it, really)
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Dec 26, 2019 02:44
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Consummate Professional posted:a year ago today I was thinking a little too seriously about doing some really bad things because life was too much. life can get better happy holidays y'all
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Dec 26, 2019 05:05
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Today I hosed up by getting mad at my older sister and calling her limited availability Starbucks tumbler "dumb Starbucks poo poo" in front of a bunch of her friends who were all in line to buy the same thing, which cascaded into a big argument that left both of us crying and my other two sisters taking her side and me feeling like I ruined Christmas and having anxiety about it all evening, but also I'm really cheesed because I really believe its dumb Starbucks poo poo and she was already 30 minutes late picking me up because of said Starbucks poo poo, so I have to deal with feeling guilty and mad simultaneously. It especially sucks because the last few years I've had good relations with my family but now it feels like things are backsliding again. Just needed to vent, I guess. Holiday Family Time: Totally fun and definitely not filled with emotional landmines!
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Dec 26, 2019 13:02
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Consummate Professional posted:a year ago today I was thinking a little too seriously about doing some really bad things because life was too much. life can get better Same, a year ago I was doing my annual seasonal affective disorder downward spiral in the never ending cold pouring rain of the Pacific Northwest. Now everything has come together for the first time ever I'm spending December on beaches like this  Took almost 40 years but I think I'm... happy?
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Dec 26, 2019 14:04
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D1Sergo posted:Today I hosed up by getting mad at my older sister and calling her limited availability Starbucks tumbler "dumb Starbucks poo poo"[...]the last few years I've had good relations with my family but now it feels like things are backsliding again. NOTE: I am not in any capacity a medical professional, least of all when it comes to mental health. Always take the advice of an actual doctor over whatever i post here. Holidays are rough, yeah. I generally have faith that other people's emotions and thoughts are valid according to their perspectives, but I'm not clear on why the Starbucks thing was dumb poo poo. You dont have to clarify for me if you dont want to, but I think it would be healthy to explore your emotions on that. It's totally possible that your relationship with your family could backslide. I dont say this to scare you. I say this because I think it's a genuine possibility and you are aware of it. I think if you want to be close to your family (which I think you do, based on what you posted), you should apologize to your sister. Not necessarily because you did a Bad Thing, but because there was a bit of a misunderstanding. I think the best way to clear that up would be talking to her, but the best was to start that would be by apologizing. That way you're recognizing to her that you know she felt hurt by what you did, and you care enough about her emotions to swallow your pride and want to make amends. I'm sorry your holidays have taken a rough turn. I hope what I said here was useful in some way, even if you end up doing your own thing.
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Dec 26, 2019 14:54
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UnfortunateSexFart posted:Same, a year ago I was doing my annual seasonal affective disorder downward spiral in the never ending cold pouring rain of the Pacific Northwest. Now everything has come together for the first time ever I'm spending December on beaches like this 
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Dec 26, 2019 17:41
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NAMI volunteer day~ hoping thisll go better than last time. it should because afaik none of my friends will be part of group e: lol nm its tomorrow Chokes McGee has issued a correction as of 20:30 on Dec 26, 2019 |
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Dec 26, 2019 20:01
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Trying not to have a panic attack at work today. Everyone is disoriented and cranky.
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Dec 26, 2019 20:43
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cool dance moves posted:Holidays are rough, yeah. I generally have faith that other people's emotions and thoughts are valid according to their perspectives, but I'm not clear on why the Starbucks thing was dumb poo poo. You dont have to clarify for me if you dont want to, but I think it would be healthy to explore your emotions on that. It's $40 for a tumbler and a month of free drip coffee, its a corporate souvenir and I'm posting on C-SPAM. She married wealthy and has an entitled view of people's time, I've worked near-minimum wage for much of my life and rely on the bus to get around. It was 2 o clock and I was scheduled to take the bus home at 4 o clock while she was wasting my Christmas family time with corporate junk, but apparently she intended to drive me home but never told me about it so I'm the jerk for not just letting her do her Starbucks thing. Goddamn, "how do I find a Marxist therapist" indeed! I appreciate the help but it gets more complicated then that so I guess I really do need to look into therapy at this point.
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Dec 26, 2019 21:35
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Failson posted:Trying not to have a panic attack at work today. Everyone is disoriented and cranky. I believe in you. You can outdo them.
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Dec 26, 2019 22:40
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D1Sergo posted:It's $40 for a tumbler and a month of free drip coffee, its a corporate souvenir and I'm posting on C-SPAM. She married wealthy and has an entitled view of people's time, I've worked near-minimum wage for much of my life and rely on the bus to get around. It was 2 o clock and I was scheduled to take the bus home at 4 o clock while she was wasting my Christmas family time with corporate junk, but apparently she intended to drive me home but never told me about it so I'm the jerk for not just letting her do her Starbucks thing. I'm gonna 360noscope a bunch of assumptions on this one and give it a whirl: That post and the one before it scream Family Systems imbalances. We all become the person and take on the role that we need to to survive our family system and help it to maintain homeostasis. Eventually we grow up, move out, sometimes marry partners, and create our own system where we might have different roles. The problems come when we go back home for the holidays and everyone expects us to fit back into that role that we were growing up. Sometimes it's not a problem and we can feel ourselves assuming that role again. But other times we've learned that role wasn't healthy for us. Maybe we decided we don't want to be the Absorber of poo poo anymore and attempt to break out of that role into another. Other elements of that family system like the Prince/Princess/Giver of poo poo are usually not going to like that, and altercations arise. It sounds to me like you broke the rules and assumed a different role than the one you were assigned, and your sisters got mad. Often when families show up to session they will point to one person (the Identified Patient) and say, "Look at him, he's the one with depression, anxiety, drug addiction, FIX HIM!". And in a lot of those cases, the therapist barely has to speak to the IP because the issues exist within the family SYSTEM, not the IP. Often the IP is the absorber of the families problems and that's why he presents with clinical issues. https://www.innerchange.com/parents-resources/family-roles/ Which role do you think you are? (Hint: 95% itt myself included are that same role) I guess what I'm trying to say is, go easy on yourself. Give yourself some love and understand whatever happened wasn't all on your shoulders. If you have any other questions feel free to PM me.
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Dec 27, 2019 01:11
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