Anonymous Confessions: I had an extremely weird dream that's going to become relevant

The Something Awful Forums > Main > General Bullshit > Anonymous Confessions: I had an extremely weird dream that's going to become relevant

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TheBizzness: Oct 5, 2004; Reign on me.

It�s almost certainly the former.

# ? Dec 13, 2019 05:23

Adbot: ADBOT LOVES YOU

# ? May 11, 2024 18:11

Solice Kirsk: Jun 1, 2004; .

We're all just beating around the bush here:

Faildom, it's time to open up your relationship.

# ? Dec 13, 2019 05:34

HerStuddMuffin: Aug 10, 2014; YOSPOS

I disagree, or at least he shouldn�t do that until he�s exhausted all simpler and more effective alternatives, like cutting off his dick.

# ? Dec 13, 2019 06:28

Atlas Hugged: Mar 12, 2007; Put your arms around me,
fiddly digits, itchy britches
I love you all

I prefer a compromise. He should open his dick up.

# ? Dec 13, 2019 06:42

Solice Kirsk: Jun 1, 2004; .

Atlas Hugged posted:

I prefer a compromise. He should open his dick up.

# ? Dec 13, 2019 06:48

Antivehicular: Dec 30, 2011; I wanna sing one for the cars
That are right now headed silent down the highway
And it's dark and there is nobody driving And something has got to give

Atlas Hugged posted:

I prefer a compromise. He should open his dick up.

It's time to consider :nws:

the Tetherspout :nws:

# ? Dec 13, 2019 09:28

Jack-Off Lantern: Mar 2, 2012

Cursed Website posted:

Nor is it likely that you will ever simply get bored with them and loose interest (unless you're dead). They are a lifetime's investment in pleasure, worth buying even at 10x the cost.

Yeahhhh how about no?

# ? Dec 13, 2019 11:39

loquacius: Oct 21, 2008

absolutely no way in hell I am clicking that link

quote:

People that have even the slightest crooked of eyeballs trouble me. I feel horrible for them. Even if it's slight, I notice it almost instantly, then go through that panic of not knowing exactly what to do. Even gorgeous people, that I'll never meet that are on TV/Movies, once I notice it, I can't stop noticing it.

I get that it doesn't affect their vision after years? I believe? But even still, it's just a disconcerting. And I don't judge them for something out of their control, I just enter that panic mode of trying to focus directly forward. I know you can tell when people eyes are drifting. I've had acne, I've seen people look at it.

I feel horrible, because I'm sure they're sick of the poo poo. Hell, maybe some don't even care.

The odd part is when I'm super tired, or high my left eye starts to slip to the left and freaks me out, too. Does anyone else ever feel this way? What do you do? You can't really stare at the center of the forehead, because that's obvious. The center of the nose works, but then my eyes feel like they're starting to cross.
I try to pick one eye and focus, but eventually, I look elsewhere.

Such a lovely confession, for someone who feels lovely about it.

personally I would have absolutely no way of knowing if someone was staring at one of my eyes and not the other, because it seems to me that the eyes are where you're supposed to be looking when you're talking to someone

so I think you're probably in the clear??

quote:

I think I almost lost my virginity to an older woman when I was 15.

A lady from my parents' Bible study group was going out of town for a week and needed somebody to water her plants and feed her cat. My parents volunteered me for this job. I didn't really mind. I'd get fifty bucks and I'd get to hang out with a pretty chill cat.

So before she leaves town she needs to show me her house, tell me which plants need the most watering, show me where the cat food is. This cat was an escape artist, by the way. Still young, tons of energy, and would potentially explode out the door the second I opened it. Or not. Sometimes he would lie in wait. Clever little guy.

Anyway, she decides to give me the grand tour of her house. I think she said she wanted me to note if anything went missing. I can't remember exactly but it seemed a little odd. But people can be odd for no good reason sometimes, right? She lived alone. Probably around 50 years old. I think she was a doctor. Cute, tall, thin, short red hair. So she's showing me around the house and eventually we get to her bedroom. I can't remember exactly what she said but she hesitated ever so slightly before saying something about how this was "the place." We were silent together for a few eternal seconds while we both stared at her bed, immaculately clean and comfy looking.

I have no idea how my dick didn't turn to stone as if it had gazed upon Medusa. 15 year old me was getting random boners for no reason in those days. Male goons know the struggle. It was only a brief moment but it felt like a long time as I processed what I thought was probably going on. This single woman, never going to get married at her age, seemed, possibly, just maybe, to be considering getting my dick wet. I really didn't know what to do. Again, she was from my parents' Bible study group. So part of my mind was saying "Jesus hasn't approved of this, you must marry her first." And of course, another part of my mind was going "gently caress YEAH, WE'RE GETTING LAID AT 15 WITH SOME MILF REDHEAD!"

Alas, the window of opportunity, if it even existed, passed. I don't know if she was hoping I'd make a move, I don't even really know if this was all a teenage hormone delusion. What I do know is that she made the fatal mistake of showing me her computer room and mentioning that she had the internet. In a split second, I knew with absolute certainty that while she was out of town, I would really be hoping that no one would try to call her house because I would absolutely be tying up the phone line using the internet to find softcore porn and jerk the gently caress off relentlessly. Oh my god, it was a disaster. I don't know how my dick survived. Whole week I would go over there, *insert old dialup internet connection sounds here* and just do permanent damage.

Which meant, of course, that I forgot to water her stupid plants. Most of them died. I still got paid. Cat didn't escape. She quit the Bible study group.

To this day, I wish she had dragged me onto the bed.

yeah uh there's a good chance that if she had you'd be wishing she hadn't, but for what it's worth I don't think there's much indication from the text as written that the 50-year-old lady was waiting for the 15-year-old boy to Make A Move on her, and if she was honestly she deserved to have her plants not get watered and her Internet connection abused for porn

Dialup Internet charged by the minute, though, right, yeesh

# ? Dec 13, 2019 13:51

Atlas Hugged: Mar 12, 2007; Put your arms around me,
fiddly digits, itchy britches
I love you all

It depended on what service you used and if it was subscription based or not. My parents had unlimited AOL in the late 90s.

# ? Dec 13, 2019 14:18

Ghost Leviathan: Mar 2, 2017; Exploration is ill-advised.

A lot of people aren't perfect looking, best to get over it because sooner or later you're going to look old and wrinkly and freaky too one way or another. Just get out and interact with people as human beings more.

# ? Dec 13, 2019 14:54

Rad-daddio: Apr 25, 2017

Ghost Leviathan posted:

A lot of people aren't perfect looking, best to get over it because sooner or later you're going to look old and wrinkly and freaky too one way or another. Just get out and interact with people as human beings more.

# ? Dec 13, 2019 15:26

Nocheez: Sep 5, 2000; Can you spare a little cheddar?; Nap Ghost

I prefer Judge Judy's take: Beauty is temporary, dumb is forever.

# ? Dec 13, 2019 15:31

Bust Rodd: Oct 21, 2008; by VideoGames

You can�t fix stupid

# ? Dec 13, 2019 17:57

wesleywillis: Dec 30, 2016; SUCK A MALE CAMEL'S DICK WITH MIRACLE WHIP!!

Plant killer goon: You totally lost your virginity to that lady. She hypnotized you when she was showing you her room and now you're not a virgin anymore.

Get therapy, and cut your dick off. Sex isn't getting any better.

# ? Dec 13, 2019 20:21

Play: Apr 25, 2006; Strong stroll for a mangy stray

Colonel Cancer posted:

You can buy an artisanal silicon fart stopper in any friendly local sex shoppe for a pittance

if you squeeze a fart out hard enough could you blow the buttplug out of your rear end in a top hat like it's a potato cannon?

# ? Dec 13, 2019 20:29

Colonel Cancer: Sep 26, 2015; Tune into the fireplace channel, you absolute buffoon

Play posted:

if you squeeze a fart out hard enough could you blow the buttplug out of your rear end in a top hat like it's a potato cannon?

You know how sometimes you can fart and poo poo yourself? Very common GBS problem, I know. Same mechanics apply

# ? Dec 13, 2019 20:33

VanSandman: Feb 16, 2011; SWAP.AVI EXCHANGER

Play posted:

if you squeeze a fart out hard enough could you blow the buttplug out of your rear end in a top hat like it's a potato cannon?

Your rear end assplode

# ? Dec 13, 2019 20:42

Play: Apr 25, 2006; Strong stroll for a mangy stray

*Bends over, rear end out* Inserting shot, preparing to fire broadside cannons sir!!

# ? Dec 13, 2019 20:47

Colonel Cancer: Sep 26, 2015; Tune into the fireplace channel, you absolute buffoon

Playing Buttpirates of the Caribbean in the bedroom is one of the milder fetishes you can read about itt

# ? Dec 13, 2019 20:51

Leave: Feb 7, 2012; Taking the term "Koopaling" to a whole new level since 2016.

Are there no more confessions?

# ? Dec 31, 2019 02:09

Kosmo Gallion: Sep 13, 2013

This is my favourite thread from the past few years. Therapy goon, puppet master goon, monkey goon, bug world goon we salute you

# ? Dec 31, 2019 02:51

wesleywillis: Dec 30, 2016; SUCK A MALE CAMEL'S DICK WITH MIRACLE WHIP!!

Hell yeah, we just need a goon to try and confess that he's Goatse, or was one of the guys in Lemon Party.

# ? Dec 31, 2019 18:40

purple death ray: Jul 28, 2007; me omw 2 steal ur girl

The lemon party guys are definitely dead at this point

# ? Dec 31, 2019 19:18

Kirk Vikernes: Apr 26, 2004; Count Goatnackh

wesleywillis posted:

Hell yeah, we just need a goon to try and confess that he's Goatse, or was one of the guys in Lemon Party.

FAU or someone was doxxed and the culprits thought his name was Kirk Johnson.

# ? Dec 31, 2019 19:24

loquacius: Oct 21, 2008

I do have exactly two left

this one is just a weird poem though

quote:

I wrote a poem but I think if I posted this people would think I was trans or dysmorphic when, I dunno really, this metaphor just flowed from a frustration about masculinity rather than a striving for actual body changes or thoughts about gender. Here it is no less:

I�mma put my nuts in a blender.
I�mma put my nuts in a blender.
I�mma put my nuts in a blender.
This will be a day to remember.

For each time you�ve said �grow a pair�
they�re lying right there!
In the blender.
With the turn of a dial I shall render
these members so vile
into poisonous paste.
The boys, they must taste
my emancipation
this emasculation in splendour!

As it�s churning my sack
I�ll be turning time back
to the date of my naming
from whence you've been claiming
this body, this soul
defined as a whole
as one and inseparable
from these damned testicles

Now drink the smoothie
could you think it to be
a part of my being?
Take it from yours truly:
I'm deliberately freeing
my self from my scrotum,
my testes and totem
Whether these pieces are me or just mine I have chosen.

I�mma put my nuts in a blender.
I�mma put my nuts in a blender.
I�mma put my nuts in a blender.
This will be a day to remember.

Honestly figure out a tune and this could be a metal song

and then on a completely different note

quote:

After weeks of worry, self-doubt, and anxiety, I finally came out as trans to my mother. It was such a relief when she was so accepting that I nearly cannot believe it is real. I was just tearing up before I said a word...She said I will always be her daughter but what hit me the most was when she said "You ALWAYS were my daughter." She's not the most well-spoken person (neither am I) but this was the most perfect loving thing she could ever say to me.

I've back home now but I can still barely read my screen through my tears of joy. i don't know if this counts as a confession but I had to tell somebody.

Glad that worked out well for you :unsmith:

# ? Dec 31, 2019 19:49

Crab Dad: Dec 28, 2002; behold i have tempered and refined thee, but not as silver; as CRAB

Oooh parental acceptance! Good stuff.

# ? Dec 31, 2019 20:08

feedmegin: Jul 30, 2008

Atlas Hugged posted:

It depended on what service you used and if it was subscription based or not. My parents had unlimited AOL in the late 90s.

And what country you're in. Free local phone calls were never a thing in the UK for example, never mind what the service charged.

# ? Jan 1, 2020 00:47

Atlas Hugged: Mar 12, 2007; Put your arms around me,
fiddly digits, itchy britches
I love you all

feedmegin posted:

And what country you're in. Free local phone calls were never a thing in the UK for example, never mind what the service charged.

Wow! I had no idea. Local calls in the States have been free for as long as I can remember.

# ? Jan 1, 2020 13:46

Nocheez: Sep 5, 2000; Can you spare a little cheddar?; Nap Ghost

purple death ray posted:

The lemon party guys are definitely dead at this point

But what a way to go!

# ? Jan 2, 2020 14:53

Bust Rodd: Oct 21, 2008; by VideoGames

In High School, like 2002 I guess, some kids I know went to the local overpass and hung up big signs that said �Want FREE GAS? https://www.lemonparty.org�

# ? Jan 2, 2020 15:02

purple death ray: Jul 28, 2007; me omw 2 steal ur girl

Bust Rodd posted:

In High School, like 2002 I guess, some kids I know went to the local overpass and hung up big signs that said “Want FREE GAS? https://www.lemonparty.org”

There was at least one guy back during the tea party days who would go to their rallies with a sign that was like "Feeling SOUR about politics? Try https://www.lemonparty.org"

# ? Jan 2, 2020 15:48

Crab Dad: Dec 28, 2002; behold i have tempered and refined thee, but not as silver; as CRAB

Bust Rodd posted:

In High School, like 2002 I guess, some kids I know went to the local overpass and hung up big signs that said �Want FREE GAS? https://www.lemonparty.org�

Goddamn it I clicked it

# ? Jan 3, 2020 00:07

loquacius: Oct 21, 2008

I almost did too

it's such a pavlovian response

# ? Jan 3, 2020 14:46

ChiralCondensate: Nov 13, 2007; what is that man doing to his colour palette?; Grimey Drawer

loquacius posted:

I almost did too

it's such a pavlovian response

Why not click it? The picture is comforting, like old people'sleathery skin.

# ? Jan 3, 2020 15:10

The Diddler: Jun 22, 2006

ChiralCondensate posted:

Why not click it? The picture is comforting, like old people'sleathery skin.

It takes me back to a more innocent time, where seeing a still image of a lady making GBS threads on her own face was maybe the grossest thing online.

# ? Jan 3, 2020 15:45

DandyLion: Jun 24, 2010; disrespectul Deciever

The Diddler posted:

It takes me back to a more innocent time, where seeing a still image of a lady making GBS threads on her own face was maybe the grossest thing online.

And now its merely a palate cleanser.

# ? Jan 3, 2020 16:09

Bust Rodd: Oct 21, 2008; by VideoGames

LingcodKilla posted:

Goddamn it I clicked it

LMAO

It�s kind of hauntingly beautiful that this can bring me so much joy presumably years after these men have died.

# ? Jan 3, 2020 16:42

purple death ray: Jul 28, 2007; me omw 2 steal ur girl

Bust Rodd posted:

LMAO

It’s kind of hauntingly beautiful that this can bring me so much joy presumably years after these men have died.

We can imagine they were living their best lives and spent their twilight years being true to themselves and hopefully knowing true peace

Any of us should be so lucky tbh

# ? Jan 3, 2020 16:51

Cacator: Aug 6, 2005; You're quite good at turning me on.

30 Rock was a show ahead of its time. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v-bvHlb2Fe8

# ? Jan 3, 2020 16:53

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# ? May 11, 2024 18:11

Atlas Hugged: Mar 12, 2007; Put your arms around me,
fiddly digits, itchy britches
I love you all

Working Moms also had a pretty good lemon party joke in season 2.

# ? Jan 3, 2020 17:09

The Something Awful Forums > Main > General Bullshit > Anonymous Confessions: I had an extremely weird dream that's going to become relevant

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