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A Fancy Hat
Nov 18, 2016

Always remember that the former President was dumber than the dumbest person you've ever met by a wide margin

Jim convinces Dwight that if you plant a sesame seed, you'll get a hamburger tree. Despite being a farmer, Dwight believes it thanks to Jim's extensive use of photoshop, faked videos, and paying several members of the FDA to attest that this can in fact happen.

Dwight plants hundreds of sesame seeds on his farm, dreaming of a bumper crop of delicious burgers. That night, Jim sneaks onto the farm with a large meteorite in tow. He cracks it open with a hammer and pours a strange glowing liquid all over the field. He mugs for the camera and silently mouths "METEOR poo poo".

The next day Dwight awakens to find most of his farm coated in a green moss-like plant. It's rapidly growing and, when he touches it, it ends up sticking to his body. Hoping to wash it off, he hops into a bath. Unfortunately, this only causes the plant to spread, covering most of his body.

Thus begins Dwight's descent into terror, next time on the Office!

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Applewhite
Aug 16, 2014

by vyelkin
Nap Ghost
Jim tricks Dwight into posting in FYAD and watches with glee as Dwight is chainprobed day after day.

poisonpill
Nov 8, 2009

The only way to get huge fast is to insult a passing witch and hope she curses you with Beast-strength.


Jim and Dwight experience a bizarre transporter accident that combines them into a single new entity: Dwim. Dwim slowly learns to adapt to life at Dunder-Mifflin until Tobey figures out a way to separate them again. Dwim is horrified at the suggestion and says that doing this would murder him. He screams and cries for help from the employees that he has grown to know but they look impassively on as Michael, arms sternly folded, orders Dwim to be dragged down into the warehouse for the procedure.

Who What Now
Sep 10, 2006

by Azathoth
Jim sprays Dwight with grey goo and mugs to the camera as he too is assimilated.

A Fancy Hat
Nov 18, 2016

Always remember that the former President was dumber than the dumbest person you've ever met by a wide margin

Jim writes a series of angry and rambling letters to the major TV networks, threatening violence unless they "BRING BACK BATTLESTAR GALACTICA NOW!" He spills beet juice on each one and includes several hairs he's stolen from Dwight.

The FBI arrives at the Office to question Dwight, who adamantly denies writing the letters. Jim eggs on Dwight, saying "Oh, so you don't like Battlestar Galactica? Okay, good to know." Dwight screams that he loves the show and it's a crime it was cancelled, leading the FBI to have probably cause to detain him.

Jim then goes to the abandoned Schrute Farms and sits, silently, for hours in the middle of a field. When the sun sets he slowly stands up, strips nude, and then walks into Dwight's house. He is never seen again.

Sherry Bahm
Jul 30, 2003

filled with dolphins
Jim fills Dwight's stapler with jello.

Applewhite
Aug 16, 2014

by vyelkin
Nap Ghost
Jim fills Dwight's desk with tannerite and waits.

Fleta Mcgurn
Oct 5, 2003

Porpoise noise continues.
Jim uses behavioral conditioning to make Dwight a diaper fetishist. This is foreshadowed in the episode "Conflict Resolution" in which Toby reads a list of Jim's pranks, including creating a word processing macro that changed "Dwight" to "Diapers."

poisonpill
Nov 8, 2009

The only way to get huge fast is to insult a passing witch and hope she curses you with Beast-strength.


Jim creates a sophisticated data mining algorithm that he uses to predict the precise times Dwight will have to use the bathroom each day, and ensures that the janitor’s schedule closes the men’s room just before each session. Jim is clever enough to alter the schedule, even anticipating moments when Dwight will suddenly alter his previous pattern. This goes on for months.

vandalism
Aug 4, 2003
Jim leaves a dead prostitute in the back seat of Dwight's Trans Am.

poisonpill
Nov 8, 2009

The only way to get huge fast is to insult a passing witch and hope she curses you with Beast-strength.


Jim makes homemade valentines cards for everyone in the office, except for Dwight.

QuarkJets
Sep 8, 2008

Jim puts on a blonde wig and Angela's clothes and then tricks Dwight into loving him in the warehouse. 9 months later Jim gives birth to their child: Michael Scott. And so the eternal cycle begins anew

Applewhite
Aug 16, 2014

by vyelkin
Nap Ghost

poisonpill posted:

Jim makes homemade valentines cards for everyone in the office, except for Dwight.

drat, that's heartbreaking.

Code Jockey
Jan 24, 2006

69420 basic bytes free

QuarkJets posted:

Jim puts on a blonde wig and Angela's clothes and then tricks Dwight into loving him in the warehouse. 9 months later Jim gives birth to their child: Michael Scott. And so the eternal cycle begins anew

thank you for addressing this, it bothered me they never covered it in the show

The Skeleton King
Jul 16, 2011

Right now undead are at the top of my shit list. Undead are complete fuckers. Those geists are fuckers. Necromancers are fuckers. Necrosavants are big time fuckers. Skeletons aren't too bad except when they bleed everyone in the company. Zombos are at least not too bad.


Jim takes the whole office out to watch the solar eclipse. Just as the eclipse begins, Jim takes out his behelit and sacrifices the entire staff to demons in exchange for power. Dwight survives the onslaught of demons only to watch as Jim fucks Angela in front of him while mugging at the camera.

Applewhite
Aug 16, 2014

by vyelkin
Nap Ghost
Jim traps Angela in a crystal. Dwight storms Jim's castle to get her back. After conquering the grim fortress at great cost, he enters the final chamber only to discover his ladylove is not there! Instead, a diminutive mushroom man is waiting there.

"Sorry, Dwight. Your princess is in another castle," says the mushroom.

Dwight sighs, takes up his sword and moves on to the next castle.

In confession cam, Jim reveals he just stashed Angela in the supply closet.

poisonpill
Nov 8, 2009

The only way to get huge fast is to insult a passing witch and hope she curses you with Beast-strength.


Jim cannot prank Dwight for weeks or months because they are both ordered to work from home during the Scranton COVID-19 outbreak.

Who What Now
Sep 10, 2006

by Azathoth

poisonpill posted:

Jim cannot prank Dwight for weeks or months because they are both ordered to work from home during the Scranton COVID-19 outbreak.

Jim intentionally gets infected with COVID-19 and begins to cough and spit into empty envelopes and boxes to mail to Schrute Farms. Dwight, in his general paranoia, refuses any and all mail and so does not get the virus, unlike the entire Scranton post office.

The Skeleton King
Jul 16, 2011

Right now undead are at the top of my shit list. Undead are complete fuckers. Those geists are fuckers. Necromancers are fuckers. Necrosavants are big time fuckers. Skeletons aren't too bad except when they bleed everyone in the company. Zombos are at least not too bad.


Jim lures dwight down into the tunnels beneath Dunder-Mifflin with the promise that he has discovered a rare breed pf beets. While he is doubtful of Jim's claim, Dwight goes anyway. While Dwight is distracted, Jim knocks him out. He then entombs Dwight behind a brick wall.

Code Jockey
Jan 24, 2006

69420 basic bytes free
Dwight summons his stand, Beet Red

Jim counters with his, the Egyptian god of smugness

Sherry Bahm
Jul 30, 2003

filled with dolphins
Jim legally adopts Dwight, making him a Halpert.

Armitag3
Mar 15, 2020

Forget it Jake, it's cybertown.


Jim encases every individual unused staple of Dwight's stapler in jello. The stapler itself is in the toilet bowl.

The Skeleton King
Jul 16, 2011

Right now undead are at the top of my shit list. Undead are complete fuckers. Those geists are fuckers. Necromancers are fuckers. Necrosavants are big time fuckers. Skeletons aren't too bad except when they bleed everyone in the company. Zombos are at least not too bad.


Jim reveals to the world that demons are real and that anyone could be a demon. This results in mass hysteria and violence around the world as demons take over the identities of world leaders and escalate the violence even further.

In the end humanity is wiped out and despite Dwight's best efforts, he too is killed by Jim, who is actually satan.

Jim watches the sun rise while sitting next to Dwight's corpse, realizing that he has killed the only person he ever really cared about. Moments later, God wipes out all that remains on Earth.

Sherry Bahm
Jul 30, 2003

filled with dolphins
Jim falls in love with Angela, as a prank.

He doesn't pretend to fall in love with Angela. He actually falls in deep passionate sincere love with her.

As a prank.

Fleta Mcgurn
Oct 5, 2003

Porpoise noise continues.
Dwight gets sick of this poo poo and pays Sensei Ira to roundhouse-kick Jim in the face. Jim charms him with his beautiful floppy hair and winsome look of befuddlement and they become best friends. Dwight lodges a complaint with HR.

Code Jockey
Jan 24, 2006

69420 basic bytes free

Tin Can Hit Man posted:

Jim falls in love with Angela, as a prank.

He doesn't pretend to fall in love with Angela. He actually falls in deep passionate sincere love with her.

As a prank.

dwight sits on a handmade stool in the corner of the bedroom, as jim and angela consummate their newfound love. dwight sobs quietly

Sjs00
Jun 29, 2013

Yeah Baby Yeah !

The Skeleton King posted:

Jim takes the whole office out to watch the solar eclipse. Just as the eclipse begins, Jim takes out his behelit and sacrifices the entire staff to demons in exchange for power. Dwight survives the onslaught of demons only to watch as Jim fucks Angela in front of him while mugging at the camera.

QuarkJets
Sep 8, 2008

Pam puts gum in Dwight's hair, and Jim convinces him that it's a brain tumor

Rockman Reserve
Oct 2, 2007

"Carbons? Purge? What are you talking about?!"

The Skeleton King posted:

Jim takes the whole office out to watch the solar eclipse. Just as the eclipse begins, Jim takes out his behelit and sacrifices the entire staff to demons in exchange for power. Dwight survives the onslaught of demons only to watch as Jim fucks Angela in front of him while mugging at the camera.

Dwight wanders the lands on a quest of revenge and absolution, armed only with a beet so big that no mortal Schrute could possibly wield it.

More a giant slab of root than a beet, really.

Code Jockey
Jan 24, 2006

69420 basic bytes free

food court bailiff posted:

Dwight wanders the lands on a quest of revenge and absolution, armed only with a beet so big that no mortal Schrute could possibly wield it.

More a giant slab of root than a beet, really.

:hmmyes:

poisonpill
Nov 8, 2009

The only way to get huge fast is to insult a passing witch and hope she curses you with Beast-strength.


Jim rides across the warehouse on a forklift, running it into pallets of paper products that he insistently claims are “giants”. He demands that Dwight follow him as a sales trainee. Jim insults the foreman of the warehouse, leading Roy to soundly thrash Dwight. Don Jim mugs the camera.

christmas boots
Oct 15, 2012

To these sing-alongs 🎤of siren 🧜🏻‍♀️songs
To oohs😮 to ahhs😱 to 👏big👏applause👏
With all of my 😡anger I scream🤬 and shout📢
🇺🇸America🦅, I love you 🥰but you're freaking 💦me 😳out
Biscuit Hider
Jim makes a deal with the devil, allowing the devil to torment Dwight in the hopes of getting him to forsake Dunder-Mifflin. Dwight suffers with dignity as his loses his money, his job, and as Angela gets hit and killed by a car in front of him.

Dwight maintains he has done nothing wrong, while Ryan, Kevin, and Oscar insist that he has sinned and must confess to end his torment.

Eventually Dwight breaks down and accuses Jim of ruining his life, to which Jim tells him to shut up before giving him a new girlfriend and cursing his coworkers with boils

crispix
Mar 28, 2015

Grand-Maman m'a raconté
(Les éditions des amitiés franco-québécoises)

Hello, dear
Jim interrogates Dwight's belief system relentlessly causing Dwight to suffer an acute identity crisis and become too depressed to work or leave his house. Jim makes that face of his at the camera, there. Then Pam answers the telephone.

The Skeleton King
Jul 16, 2011

Right now undead are at the top of my shit list. Undead are complete fuckers. Those geists are fuckers. Necromancers are fuckers. Necrosavants are big time fuckers. Skeletons aren't too bad except when they bleed everyone in the company. Zombos are at least not too bad.


Dwight attempts to win a prize at the carnival. He goes to the ring toss, a game he is quite skilled at, and expertly tosses a ring. To his astonishment, the ring bounces off the post. Jim, who for some reason is running the booth, smirks and says, “hey, ya missed pal!”

QuarkJets
Sep 8, 2008

The Skeleton King posted:

Dwight attempts to win a prize at the carnival. He goes to the ring toss, a game he is quite skilled at, and expertly tosses a ring. To his astonishment, the ring bounces off the post. Jim, who for some reason is running the booth, smirks and says, “hey, ya missed pal!”

:nice:

FeculentWizardTits
Aug 31, 2001

Jim gets Dwight to buy him lunch, telling him "I will gladly pay you Tuesday for a hamburger today."

Tuesday arrives and Jim says he forgot his wallet.

Who What Now
Sep 10, 2006

by Azathoth
After being inspired by watching SAW for the first time Jim spends months trying to construct a Jigsaw style deathtrap to teach Dwight that he has lost his zeal for life. He tries multiple prototypes ranging from a machine that slices through the carotid artery with a papercut if they cannot answer 1000 Battlestar Galactica questions perfectly to forcing the victim to consume beets laced with a mild poison in an attempt to find one among hundreds that has a key inside before the poison kills them. After hundreds of new designs and just as many dead vagabonds Jim realizes that in his quest for the perfect prank he himself has lost his way, lost sight of what is truly important in life.




















So instead he mugs to the camera while he farts on Dwight's face while he sleeps to give him pink eye.

A Fancy Hat
Nov 18, 2016

Always remember that the former President was dumber than the dumbest person you've ever met by a wide margin

Jim writes an elaborate science fiction novel under the pen name "J.H. Palpert". It becomes a huge success and spawns a popular movie franchise.

A decade later, Dwight has become a huge fan of the franchise, declaring it "Better than Battlestar Galactica". One Halloween, Dwight dresses up at the main character from the franchise, Slight Droop.

Jim mentions that Slight Droop kind of sounds like Dwight Schrute, and that the fictional character actually shares a lot in common with Dwight. Dwight is left with an uneasy feeling for the rest of the day.

Sherry Bahm
Jul 30, 2003

filled with dolphins
Through the use of some cleverly forged documents, bold lies, and some cursory research on the Schrute family tree, Jim manages to convince Dwight that they are in fact twins separated at birth.

Jim also wants his half of the farm.

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QuarkJets
Sep 8, 2008

Who What Now posted:

After being inspired by watching SAW for the first time Jim spends months trying to construct a Jigsaw style deathtrap to teach Dwight that he has lost his zeal for life. He tries multiple prototypes ranging from a machine that slices through the carotid artery with a papercut if they cannot answer 1000 Battlestar Galactica questions perfectly to forcing the victim to consume beets laced with a mild poison in an attempt to find one among hundreds that has a key inside before the poison kills them. After hundreds of new designs and just as many dead vagabonds Jim realizes that in his quest for the perfect prank he himself has lost his way, lost sight of what is truly important in life.




















So instead he mugs to the camera while he farts on Dwight's face while he sleeps to give him pink eye.

The main bad guy from Saw is an old Jim Halpert searching for the perfect prank to play on Dwight

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