Where It All Began - Let's Read the Twilight Series

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RaspberrySea: Nov 29, 2004

This thread will never die, just like the sparkly vampires we all love so much!

# ? May 4, 2020 16:03

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# ? May 25, 2024 00:43

chitoryu12: Apr 24, 2014

gently caress. I was thinking to myself last night "Maybe I should do the draft before moving on..." and here she comes ruining everything.

I have read the draft, and hoo boy is it bad. It's basically a full description of the depths of Edward Cullen's sociopathic depravity, no detail spared.

# ? May 4, 2020 16:34

chitoryu12: Apr 24, 2014

Chapter 7: Unexpected

quote:

The line of black advanced on me through the shroud-like mist. I could see their dark ruby eyes glinting with desire, lusting for the kill. Their lips pulled back over their sharp, wet teeth�some to snarl, some to smile.

I heard the child behind me whimper, but I couldn�t turn to look at him. Though I was desperate to be sure that he was safe, I could not afford any lapse in focus now.

They ghosted closer, their black robes billowing slightly with the movement. I saw their hands curl into bone-colored claws. They started to drift apart, angling to come at us from all sides. We were surrounded. We were going to die.

And then, like a burst of light from a flash, the whole scene was different. Yet nothing changed�the Volturi still stalked toward us, poised to kill. All that really changed was how the picture looked to me. Suddenly, I was hungry for it. I wanted them to charge. The panic changed to bloodlust as I crouched forward, a smile on my face, and a growl ripped through my bared teeth.

I jolted upright, shocked out of the dream.

I'm gonna be really annoyed if these prophetic dreams keep going until she's no longer able to sleep, and I'm willing to bet that's what's gonna happen.

quote:

The room was black. It was also steamy hot. Sweat matted my hair at the temples and rolled down my throat.

I groped the warm sheets and found them empty.

�Edward?�

Just then, my fingers encountered something smooth and flat and stiff.

Edward?

quote:

One sheet of paper, folded in half. I took the note with me and felt my way across the room to the light switch.

The outside of the note was addressed to Mrs. Cullen.

I�m hoping you won�t wake and notice my absence, but, if you should, I�ll be back very soon. I�ve just gone to the mainland to hunt. Go back to sleep and I�ll be here when you wake again. I love you.

How did he leave? Did he take their boat and strand her on the island? Did he super-swim back?

quote:

I sighed. We�d been here about two weeks now, so I should have been expecting that he would have to leave, but I hadn�t been thinking about time. We seemed to exist outside of time here, just drifting along in a perfect state.

I wiped the sweat off my forehead. I felt absolutely wide awake, though the clock on the dresser said it was after one. I knew I would never be able to sleep as hot and sticky as I felt. Not to mention the fact that if I shut off the light and closed my eyes, I was sure to see those prowling black figures in my head.

I got up and wandered aimlessly through the dark house, flipping on lights. It felt so big and empty without Edward there. Different.

I ended up in the kitchen and decided that maybe comfort food was what I needed.

I poked around in the fridge until I found all the ingredients for fried chicken. The popping and sizzling of the chicken in the pan was a nice, homey sound; I felt less nervous while it filled the silence.

It smelled so good that I started eating it right out of the pan, burning my tongue in the process. By the fifth or sixth bite, though, it had cooled enough for me to taste it. My chewing slowed. Was there something off about the flavor? I checked the meat, and it was white all the way through, but I wondered if it was completely done. I took another experimental bite; I chewed twice. Ugh�definitely bad. I jumped up to spit it into the sink. Suddenly, the chicken-and-oil smell was revolting. I took the whole plate and shook it into the garbage, then opened the windows to chase away the scent. A coolish breeze had picked up outside. It felt good on my skin.

I like how Meyer is able to retain some ambiguity about why Bella is so ravenous because she's such a dunderheaded klutz that she would start eating hot chicken straight out of the pan.

quote:

I was abruptly exhausted, but I didn�t want to go back to the hot room. So I opened more windows in the TV room and lay on the couch right beneath them. I turned on the same movie we�d watched the other day and quickly fell asleep to the bright opening song.

When I opened my eyes again, the sun was halfway up the sky, but it was not the light that woke me. Cool arms were around me, pulling me against him. At the same time, a sudden pain twisted in my stomach, almost like the aftershock of catching a punch in the gut.

�I�m sorry,� Edward was murmuring as he wiped a wintry hand across my clammy forehead. �So much for thoroughness. I didn�t think about how hot you would be with me gone. I�ll have an air conditioner installed before I leave again.�

You stocked the kitchen but forgot about HVAC?

quote:

I couldn�t concentrate on what he was saying. �Excuse me!� I gasped, struggling to get free of his arms.

He dropped his hold automatically. �Bella?�

I streaked for the bathroom with my hand clamped over my mouth. I felt so horrible that I didn�t even care�at first�that he was with me while I crouched over the toilet and was violently sick.

�Bella? What�s wrong?�

I couldn�t answer yet. He held me anxiously, keeping my hair out of my face, waiting till I could breathe again.

�drat rancid chicken,� I moaned.

�Are you all right?� His voice was strained.

�Fine,� I panted. �It�s just food poisoning. You don�t need to see this. Go away.�

H y p e r b a b y

quote:

�Not likely, Bella.�

�Go away,� I moaned again, struggling to get up so I could rinse my mouth out. He helped me gently, ignoring the weak shoves I aimed at him.

After my mouth was clean, he carried me to the bed and sat me down carefully, supporting me with his arms.

�Food poisoning?�

�Yeah,� I croaked. �I made some chicken last night. It tasted off, so I threw it out. But I ate a few bites first.�

He put a cold hand on my forehead. It felt nice. �How do you feel now?�

I thought about that for a moment. The nausea had passed as suddenly as it had come, and I felt like I did any other morning. �Pretty normal. A little hungry, actually.�

He made me wait an hour and keep down a big glass of water before he fried me some eggs. I felt perfectly normal, just a little tired from being up in the middle of the night. He put on CNN�we�d been so out of touch, world war three could have broken out and we wouldn�t have known�and I lounged drowsily across his lap.

I would love a Birdemic kind of thing where the plot just suddenly shifts into global warfare or something out of nowhere midway through.

quote:

I got bored with the news and twisted around to kiss him. Just like this morning, a sharp pain hit my stomach when I moved. I lurched away from him, my hand tight over my mouth. I knew I�d never make it to the bathroom this time, so I ran to the kitchen sink.

He held my hair again.

�Maybe we should go back to Rio, see a doctor,� he suggested anxiously when I was rinsing my mouth afterward.

I shook my head and edged toward the hallway. Doctors meant needles. �I�ll be fine right after I brush my teeth.�

How has Bella survived 18 years by refusing to see a doctor?

quote:

When my mouth tasted better, I searched through my suitcase for the little first-aid kit Alice had packed for me, full of human things like bandages and painkillers and�my object now�Pepto-Bismol. Maybe I could settle my stomach and calm Edward down.

But before I found the Pepto, I happened across something else that Alice had packed for me. I picked up the small blue box and stared at it in my hand for a long moment, forgetting everything else.

Then I started counting in my head. Once. Twice. Again.

The knock startled me; the little box fell back into the suitcase.

�Are you well?� Edward asked through the door. �Did you get sick again?�

�Yes and no,� I said, but my voice sounded strangled.

Physically yes, mentally no.

quote:

�Bella? Can I please come in?� Worriedly now.

�O� kay?�

He came in and appraised my position, sitting cross-legged on the floor by the suitcase, and my expression, blank and staring. He sat next to me, his hand going to my forehead at once.

�What�s wrong?�

�How many days has it been since the wedding?� I whispered.

�Seventeen,� he answered automatically. �Bella, what is it?�

I was counting again. I held up a finger, cautioning him to wait, and mouthed the numbers to myself. I�d been wrong about the days before. We�d been here longer than I�d thought. I started over again.

�Bella!� he whispered urgently. �I�m losing my mind over here.�

That makes two of you!

quote:

I tried to swallow. It didn�t work. So I reached into the suitcase and fumbled around until I found the little blue box of tampons again. I held them up silently.

He stared at me in confusion. �What? Are you trying to pass this illness off as PMS?�

�No,� I managed to choke out. �No, Edward. I�m trying to tell you that my period is five days late.�

His facial expression didn�t change. It was like I hadn�t spoken.

�I don�t think I have food poisoning,� I added.

He didn�t respond. He had turned into a sculpture.

Much like any 17-year-old who just learned he's a father!

quote:

�The dreams,� I mumbled to myself in a flat voice. �Sleeping so much. The crying. All that food. Oh. Oh. Oh.�

Edward�s stare seemed glassy, as if he couldn�t see me anymore. Reflexively, almost involuntarily, my hand dropped to my stomach.

�Oh!� I squeaked again.

I lurched to my feet, slipping out of Edward�s unmoving hands. I�d never changed out of the little silk shorts and camisole I�d worn to bed. I yanked the blue fabric out of the way and stared at my stomach.

�Impossible,� I whispered.

I had absolutely no experience with pregnancy or babies or any part of that world, but I wasn�t an idiot. I�d seen enough movies and TV shows to know that this wasn�t how it worked. I was only five days late. If I was pregnant, my body wouldn�t even have registered that fact. I would not have morning sickness. I would not have changed my eating or sleeping habits.

And I most definitely would not have a small but defined bump sticking out between my hips.

She's pregnant with the impending release of Midnight Sun!

quote:

I twisted my torso back and forth, examining it from every angle, as if it would disappear in exactly the right light. I ran my fingers over the subtle bulge, surprised by how rock hard it felt under my skin.

�Impossible,� I said again, because, bulge or no bulge, period or no period (and there was definitely no period, though I�d never been late a day in my life), there was no way I could be pregnant. The only person I�d ever had sex with was a vampire, for crying out loud.

A vampire who was still frozen on the floor with no sign of ever moving again.

So there had to be some other explanation, then. Something wrong with me. A strange South American disease with all the signs of pregnancy, only accelerated�

And then I remembered something�a morning of internet research that seemed a lifetime ago now. Sitting at the old desk in my room at Charlie�s house with gray light glowing dully through the window, staring at my ancient, wheezing computer, reading avidly through a web-site called �Vampires A�Z.� It had been less than twenty-four hours since Jacob Black, trying to entertain me with the Quileute legends he didn�t believe in yet, had told me that Edward was a vampire. I�d scanned anxiously through the first entries on the site, which was dedicated to vampire myths around the world. The Filipino Danag, the Hebrew Estrie, the Romanian Varacolaci, the Italian Stregoni benefici (a legend actually based on my new father-in-law�s early exploits with the Volturi, not that I�d known anything about that at the time)� I�d paid less and less attention as the stories had grown more and more implausible. I only remembered vague bits of the later entries. They mostly seemed like excuses dreamed up to explain things like infant mortality rates�and infidelity. No, honey, I�m not having an affair! That sexy woman you saw sneaking out of the house was an evil succubus. I�m lucky I escaped with my life! (Of course, with what I knew now about Tanya and her sisters, I suspected that some of those excuses had been nothing but fact.) There had been one for the ladies, too. How can you accuse me of cheating on you�just because you�ve come home from a two-year sea voyage and I�m pregnant? It was the incubus. He hypnotized me with his mystical vampire powers.�

That had been part of the definition of the incubus�the ability to father children with his hapless prey.

First off, it is bullshit writing to suddenly go back and say "Actually I learned all of these things beforehand and it wasn't important so it never came up", because it's the most obvious sign that you haven't planned poo poo and you're making this up as you go while pretending you're not.

Second, did we just have it dropped that the Denali coven is the origin of the succubus myth as a passing afterthought?

quote:

I shook my head, dazed. But�

I thought of Esme and especially Rosalie. Vampires couldn�t have children. If it were possible, Rosalie would have found a way by now.

The incubus myth was nothing but a fable.

Except that� well, there was a difference. Of course Rosalie could not conceive a child, because she was frozen in the state in which she passed from human to inhuman. Totally unchanging. And human women�s bodies had to change to bear children. The constant change of a monthly cycle for one thing, and then the bigger changes needed to accommodate a growing child. Rosalie�s body couldn�t change.

But mine could. Mine did. I touched the bump on my stomach that had not been there yesterday.

And human men�well, they pretty much stayed the same from puberty to death. I remembered a random bit of trivia, gleaned from who knows where: Charlie Chaplin was in his seventies when he fathered his youngest child. Men had no such thing as child-bearing years or cycles of fertility.

How does any of that follow, though? Part of becoming a vampire is that not only does your body enter stasis, all of your bodily fluids are replaced with vampire venom. This has already been established and The Twilight Saga: The Official Illustrated Guide goes into much greater detail (in general that book is just Meyer putting in all of the world building and character backgrounds that should have been in the books). Yet their sperm remains untouched and viable centuries later?

quote:

Of course, how would anyone know if vampire men could father children, when their partners were not able? What vampire on earth would have the restraint necessary to test the theory with a human woman? Or the inclination?

I could think of only one.

Part of my head was sorting through fact and memory and speculation, while the other half�the part that controlled the ability to move even the smallest muscles�was stunned beyond the capacity for normal operations. I couldn�t move my lips to speak, though I wanted to ask Edward to please explain to me what was going on. I needed to go back to where he sat, to touch him, but my body wouldn�t follow instructions. I could only stare at my shocked eyes in the mirror, my fingers gingerly pressed against the swelling on my torso.

And then, like in my vivid nightmare last night, the scene abruptly transformed. Everything I saw in the mirror looked completely different, though nothing actually was different.

What happened to change everything was that a soft little nudge bumped my hand�from inside my body.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nPQ7om598OM

quote:

In the same moment, Edward�s phone rang, shrill and demanding. Neither of us moved. It rang again and again. I tried to tune it out while I pressed my fingers to my stomach, waiting. In the mirror my expression was no longer bewildered�it was wondering now. I barely noticed when the strange, silent tears started streaming down my cheeks.

The phone kept ringing. I wished Edward would answer it�I was having a moment. Possibly the biggest of my life.

Ring! Ring! Ring!

Finally, the annoyance broke through everything else. I got down on my knees next to Edward�I found myself moving more carefully, a thousand times more aware of the way each motion felt�and patted his pockets until I found the phone. I half-expected him to thaw out and answer it himself, but he was perfectly still.

I recognized the number, and I could easily guess why she was calling.

�Hi, Alice,� I said. My voice wasn�t much better than before. I cleared my throat.

�Bella? Bella, are you okay?�

�Yeah. Um. Is Carlisle there?�

�He is. What�s the problem?�

�I�m not� one hundred percent� sure.��

Yes you are!

quote:

�Is Edward all right?� she asked warily. She called Carlisle�s name away from the phone and then demanded, �Why didn�t he pick up the phone?� before I could answer her first question.

�I�m not sure.�

�Bella, what�s going on? I just saw��

�What did you see?�

There was a silence. �Here�s Carlisle,� she finally said.

It felt like ice water had been injected in my veins. If Alice had seen a vision of me with a green-eyed, angel-faced child in my arms, she would have answered me, wouldn�t she?

As this book will detail, Alice's powers continue to work at the speed and necessity of the plot.

quote:

While I waited through the split second it took for Carlisle to speak, the vision I�d imagined for Alice danced behind my lids. A tiny, beautiful little baby, even more beautiful than the boy in my dream�a tiny Edward in my arms. Warmth shot through my veins, chasing the ice away.

�Bella, it�s Carlisle. What�s going on?�

�I�� I wasn�t sure how to answer. Would he laugh at my conclusions, tell me I was crazy? Was I just having another colorful dream? �I�m a little worried about Edward.� Can vampires go into shock?�

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E-JjIetl64U

As usual, the movie greatly shortens this scene.

quote:

�Has he been harmed?� Carlisle�s voice was suddenly urgent.

�No, no,� I assured him. �Just� taken by surprise.�

�I don�t understand, Bella.�

�I think� well, I think that� maybe� I might be�� I took a deep breath. �Pregnant.�

As if to back me up, there was another tiny nudge in my abdomen. My hand flew to my stomach.

After a long pause, Carlisle�s medical training kicked in.

�When was the first day of your last menstrual cycle?�

�Sixteen days before the wedding.� I�d done the mental math thoroughly enough just before to be able to answer with certainty.

�How do you feel?�

�Weird,� I told him, and my voice broke. Another trickle of tears dribbled down my cheeks. �This is going to sound crazy�look, I know it�s way too early for any of this. Maybe I am crazy. But I�m having bizarre dreams and eating all the time and crying and throwing up and� and� I swear something moved inside me just now.�

Edward�s head snapped up.

I sighed in relief.

Edward held his hand out for the phone, his face white and hard.

�Um, I think Edward wants to talk to you.�

He's going to ask how fast Carlisle can get a source of fire to Rio.

quote:

�Put him on,� Carlisle said in a strained voice.

Not entirely sure that Edward could talk, I put the phone in his outstretched hand.

He pressed it to his ear. �Is it possible?� he whispered.

He listened for a long time, staring blankly at nothing.

�And Bella?� he asked. His arm wrapped around me as he spoke, pulling me close into his side.

He listened for what seemed like a long time and then said, �Yes. Yes, I will.�

He pulled the phone away from his ear and pressed the �end� button. Right away, he dialed a new number.

�What did Carlisle say?� I asked impatiently.

Edward answered in a lifeless voice. �He thinks you�re pregnant.�

The words sent a warm shiver down my spine. The little nudger fluttered inside me.

�Who are you calling now?� I asked as he put the phone back to his ear.

�The airport. We�re going home.�

# ? May 4, 2020 17:13

Midjack: Dec 24, 2007

Well this definitely won't get weird or gross.

# ? May 4, 2020 17:40

RaspberrySea: Nov 29, 2004

Someone post the screencap from the movie where Kristen Stewart is looking at her new baby bump in the mirror saying that it's impossible, but it's just her perfectly flat stomach. I literally laughed at that part.

# ? May 4, 2020 17:50

Anias: Jun 3, 2010; It really is a lovely hat

Midjack posted:

Well this definitely won't get weird or gross.

In our modern air-travel world it would be even more ridiculous.

No no, perfectly normal american couple returning from abroad here. What do you mean the thermal cameras indicate that one of them is a corpse and the other has a bomb in their abdomen?

# ? May 4, 2020 17:54

SUPERMAN'S GAL PAL: Feb 21, 2006; Holy Moly! DARKSEID IS!

I�m behind on the thread itself but eternal reminder that Meyer flounced off and didn�t publish Midnight Sun because someone leaked it, and that wasn�t the first time something like that had happened because parts of Breaking Dawn got leaked to a lesser extent. She just couldn�t resist sharing content with people who SWORE not to pass it on but WELP. Her attitude at the time came off like she was basically punishing people for the leak.

# ? May 4, 2020 19:31

chitoryu12: Apr 24, 2014

SUPERMAN'S GAL PAL posted:

I�m behind on the thread itself but eternal reminder that Meyer flounced off and didn�t publish Midnight Sun because someone leaked it, and that wasn�t the first time something like that had happened because parts of Breaking Dawn got leaked to a lesser extent. She just couldn�t resist sharing content with people who SWORE not to pass it on but WELP. Her attitude at the time came off like she was basically punishing people for the leak.

Here's the interview where she describes what happened:

quote:

With Eclipse coming out this summer, the publisher decided to be much more careful. Absolutely no advance copies were distributed. Still, Meyer ran into a problem.

She lent a copy to her sister-in-law, who then asked if her other sister could read it. Meyer said okay, but it soon was passed on to another sister who passed it on to a 14-year-old friend, who made a copy for her friends. And so on.

"My fans are extremely loyal, and one girl e-mailed me. I flipped out. I was horrified," she says. "I found out it was through my sister-in-law's copy, and I met with the girls. I told them I can't write with this kind of nightmare. I can't deal with the stress, so if you guys can't keep your mouths shut, I'll have to stop writing."

No one wants to be the girl who killed Twilight, so they've kept Meyer's secrets under wraps. Still, she didn't get as angry as other writers might. Showing a dazzling understanding of the teenage female psyche, she didn't just threaten them, she also made them a promise.

Meyer screwed Meyer. She was the source of the leak, every time.

# ? May 4, 2020 19:39

Dienes: Nov 4, 2009; dee
doot doot dee
doot doot doot
doot doot dee
dee doot doot
doot doot dee
dee doot doot; College Slice

SUPERMAN'S GAL PAL posted:

She just couldn�t resist sharing content with people who SWORE not to pass it on but WELP. Her attitude at the time came off like she was basically punishing people for the leak.

That was her explicit intention.

But yeah, its her own fault - she was too thirsty for praise to wait until it was ready for publication.

# ? May 4, 2020 21:15

Grammarchist: Jan 28, 2013

Anias posted:

In our modern air-travel world it would be even more ridiculous.

No no, perfectly normal american couple returning from abroad here. What do you mean the thermal cameras indicate that one of them is a corpse and the other has a bomb in their abdomen?

I can only picture this in a forgettable 90's comedy where Bela Lugosi's Dracula shows up on the screen, causing the TSA agent to double glance at the couple before shaking his head and letting them go.

# ? May 4, 2020 21:18

chitoryu12: Apr 24, 2014

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UnrapFeuN4c

# ? May 4, 2020 21:35

Up Circle: Apr 3, 2008

somebody got me hosed up

# ? May 4, 2020 23:48

chitoryu12: Apr 24, 2014

I was re-reading the thread and came back across the moment where James's coven only homes in on the Cullens because of their baseball game.

Pretty much the entire plot happens because of playing baseball really loud.

# ? May 5, 2020 02:14

Victorkm: Nov 25, 2001

chitoryu12 posted:

I was re-reading the thread and came back across the moment where James's coven only homes in on the Cullens because of their baseball game.

Pretty much the entire plot happens because of playing baseball really loud.

Weird that the only good scene in the entire book/movie also drives the start of the plot.

I sometimes wonder if the baseball scene wasn't the genesis of Meyer's vampire mythos. If it wasn't it should have been.

# ? May 5, 2020 03:59

SUPERMAN'S GAL PAL: Feb 21, 2006; Holy Moly! DARKSEID IS!

Dienes posted:

Want to hear more about this.

From the fandom-infamous �Twilight Lexicon Correspondence #12� in which Meyer spent over 6K words not answering why the Cullens spent their unlives in comfortable wealth instead of atoning for their sins in rags:

Stephenie Meyer in 2007 posted:

Question: what things can truly be made up for? If you steal a candy bar, that's easy. You can give it back or pay for it. If you repeat a malicious rumor, that's harder. You can retract all you want, but there is damage done to someone's reputation that can't fully be made right. If you run a stop sign and kill a pedestrian, is there ANYTHING about the situation that can be made right? Maybe, if that person was the breadwinner, and you had the means, you could stop your action from causing physical want to hurt the family further. But besides that? You can't give the person back to their family. You can't take away their grief with your own. There is a hole you've created that cannot be filled, no matter what you do. To a good person, that knowledge will cause a great deal of pain and remorse. Does this pain help the victim's family? I doubt that the family will ever feel any pain is equal to the situation. Of course it will probably hurt them if the killer feels nothing at all, but either way, remorse it outside of the situation. It doesn't affect the hole at all.

Keep in mind she randomly showed up in the discussion thread, this wasn�t an AMA or the fans expecting her to reply.

Meyer is of course not a sociopath, but failed to recognize (and perhaps still does) that all the Cullens to some degree are, Edward in particular. At least Bella was her self-insert, because by the time E.L. James profited off Meyer�s success we ended up with an even worse sociopathic self-insert in Christian Grey.

# ? May 5, 2020 05:22

chitoryu12: Apr 24, 2014

I've been doing some math to figure out how to go about this thread with the Midnight Sun announcement. I think the most likely one is to do Master of the Universe once this book is done, then do Midnight Sun when it drops. Then make a new thread for the Fifty Shades series.

I've been skimming the fic and I'm astounded by how you can pick so many random pages and come across a paragraph that just bashes your brains clean out of your skull.

# ? May 5, 2020 05:29

Midjack: Dec 24, 2007

chitoryu12 posted:

I've been doing some math to figure out how to go about this thread with the Midnight Sun announcement. I think the most likely one is to do Master of the Universe once this book is done, then do Midnight Sun when it drops. Then make a new thread for the Fifty Shades series.

I've been skimming the fic and I'm astounded by how you can pick so many random pages and come across a paragraph that just bashes your brains clean out of your skull.

Fanfic? Yeah it's always real bad.

# ? May 5, 2020 05:33

PetraCore: Jul 20, 2017; 👁️🔥👁️👁️👁️BE NOT👄AFRAID👁️👁️👁️🔥👁️

SUPERMAN'S GAL PAL posted:

From the fandom-infamous �Twilight Lexicon Correspondence #12� in which Meyer spent over 6K words not answering why the Cullens spent their unlives in comfortable wealth instead of atoning for their sins in rags:

Keep in mind she randomly showed up in the discussion thread, this wasn�t an AMA or the fans expecting her to reply.

Meyer is of course not a sociopath, but failed to recognize (and perhaps still does) that all the Cullens to some degree are, Edward in particular. At least Bella was her self-insert, because by the time E.L. James profited off Meyer�s success we ended up with an even worse sociopathic self-insert in Christian Grey.

I really don't think anyone in 50 Shades is James' self-insert. Namely, I don't think she's even into those dynamics, she's just someone who knew how to market a dynamic desired in fandom at the time and then file off the serial numbers to get rich off it.

# ? May 5, 2020 06:19

chitoryu12: Apr 24, 2014

quote:

Edward was on the phone for more than an hour without a break. I guessed that he was arranging our flight home, but I couldn�t be sure because he wasn�t speaking English. It sounded like he was arguing; he spoke through his teeth a lot.

While he argued, he packed. He whirled around the room like an angry tornado, leaving order rather than destruction in his path. He threw a set of my clothes on the bed without looking at them, so I assumed it was time for me to get dressed. He continued with his argument while I changed, gesturing with sudden, agitated movements.

When I could no longer bear the violent energy radiating out of him, I quietly left the room. His manic concentration made me sick to my stomach�not like the morning sickness, just uncomfortable. I would wait somewhere else for his mood to pass. I couldn�t talk to this icy, focused Edward who honestly frightened me a little.

It certainly couldn't be that Stephenie Meyer is going to tackle a difficult subject head-on!

quote:

Once again, I ended up in the kitchen. There was a bag of pretzels in the cupboard. I started chewing on them absently, staring out the window at the sand and rocks and trees and ocean, everything glittering in the sun.

Someone nudged me.

�I know,� I said. �I don�t want to go, either.�

I stared out the window for a moment, but the nudger didn�t respond.

�I don�t understand,� I whispered. �What is wrong here?�

Surprising, absolutely. Astonishing, even. But wrong?

No.

So why was Edward so furious? He was the one who had actually wished out loud for a shotgun wedding.

I tried to reason through it.

Maybe it wasn�t so confusing that Edward wanted us to go home right away. He�d want Carlisle to check me out, make sure my assumption was right�though there was absolutely no doubt in my head at this point. Probably they�d want to figure out why I was already so pregnant, with the bump and the nudging and all of that. That wasn�t normal.

What we're about to witness is Meyer's personal values butting up against supernatural realities again.

quote:

Once I thought of this, I was sure I had it. He must be so worried about the baby. I hadn�t gotten around to freaking out yet. My brain worked slower than his�it was still stuck marveling over the picture it had conjured up before: the tiny child with Edward�s eyes�green, as his had been when he was human�lying fair and beautiful in my arms. I hoped he would have Edward�s face exactly, with no interference from mine.

It was funny how abruptly and entirely necessary this vision had become. From that first little touch, the whole world had shifted. Where before there was just one thing I could not live without, now there were two. There was no division�my love was not split between them now; it wasn�t like that. It was more like my heart had grown, swollen up to twice its size in that moment. All that extra space, already filled. The increase was almost dizzying.

I�d never really understood Rosalie�s pain and resentment before. I�d never imagined myself a mother, never wanted that. It had been a piece of cake to promise Edward that I didn�t care about giving up children for him, because I truly didn�t. Children, in the abstract, had never appealed to me. They seemed to be loud creatures, often dripping some form of goo. I�d never had much to do with them. When I�d dreamed of Ren�e providing me with a brother, I�d always imagined an older brother. Someone to take care of me, rather than the other way around.

Oh yeah, Meyer is going to take advantage of this to do Rosalie dirty later on.

quote:

This child, Edward�s child, was a whole different story.

I wanted him like I wanted air to breathe. Not a choice�a necessity.

Maybe I just had a really bad imagination. Maybe that was why I�d been unable to imagine that I would like being married until after I already was�unable to see that I would want a baby until after one was already coming.�

Like all good women, right?

quote:

As I put my hand on my stomach, waiting for the next nudge, tears streaked down my cheeks again.

�Bella?�

I turned, made wary by the tone of his voice. It was too cold, too careful. His face matched his voice, empty and hard.

And then he saw that I was crying.

�Bella!� He crossed the room in a flash and put his hands on my face. �Are you in pain?�

�No, no��

He pulled me against his chest.

�Don�t be afraid. We�ll be home in sixteen hours. You�ll be fine. Carlisle will be ready when we get there. We�ll take care of this, and you�ll be fine, you�ll be fine.�

�Take care of this? What do you mean?�

He leaned away and looked me in the eye. �We�re going to get that thing out before it can hurt any part of you. Don�t be scared. I won�t let it hurt you.�

�That thing?� I gasped.

He looked sharply away from me, toward the front door. �Dammit! I forgot Gustavo was due today. I�ll get rid of him and be right back.� He darted out of the room.

I clutched the counter for support. My knees were wobbly.

Edward had just called my little nudger a thing. He said Carlisle would get it out.

�No,� I whispered.

I�d gotten it wrong before. He didn�t care about the baby at all. He wanted to hurt him. The beautiful picture in my head shifted abruptly, changed into something dark. My pretty baby crying, my weak arms not enough to protect him.�

Yes, Stephenie Meyer is going to try and fit an anti-abortion screed into this book! As we will find out, her message is radically wrong in the context of what's actually happening in the fiction and people are gonna get weird.

quote:

What could I do? Would I be able to reason with them? What if I couldn�t? Did this explain Alice�s strange silence on the phone? Is that what she�d seen? Edward and Carlisle killing that pale, perfect child before he could live?

Ah yes, pale and perfect. Not like those emotional tribal folk back home.

quote:

�No,� I whispered again, my voice stronger. That could not be. I would not allow it.

I heard Edward speaking Portuguese again. Arguing again. His voice got closer, and I heard him grunt in exasperation. Then I heard another voice, low and timid. A woman�s voice.

He came into the kitchen ahead of her and went straight to me. He wiped the tears from my cheeks and murmured in my ear through the thin, hard line of his lips.

�She�s insisting on leaving the food she brought�she made us dinner.� If he had been less tense, less furious, I knew he would have rolled his eyes. �It�s an excuse�she wants to make sure I haven�t killed you yet.� His voice went ice cold at the end.

How did she clue in that the Cullens are vampires? Is it because they didn't stock food before when staying here? Is that all?

quote:

Kaure edged nervously around the corner with a covered dish in her hands. I wished I could speak Portuguese, or that my Spanish was less rudimentary, so that I could try to thank this woman who had dared to anger a vampire just to check on me.

Poor Kaure was played in the film by Carolina Virguez, a Brazilian actress who emigrated from Colombia. She's mainly a theatre performer and director with a recent focus on returning to her Colombian roots.

quote:

Her eyes flickered between the two of us. I saw her measuring the color in my face, the moisture in my eyes. Mumbling something I didn�t understand, she put the dish on the counter.

Edward snapped something at her; I�d never heard him be so impolite before. She turned to go, and the whirling motion of her long skirt wafted the smell of the food into my face. It was strong�onions and fish. I gagged and whirled for the sink. I felt Edward�s hands on my forehead and heard his soothing murmur through the roaring in my ears. His hands disappeared for a second, and I heard the refrigerator slam shut. Mercifully, the smell disappeared with the sound, and Edward�s hands were cooling my clammy face again. It was over quickly.

I guess she won't have weird food cravings while pregnant.

quote:

I rinsed my mouth in the tap while he caressed the side of my face.

There was a tentative little nudge in my womb.

It�s okay. We�re okay, I thought toward the bump.

Edward turned me around, pulling me into his arms. I rested my head on his shoulder. My hands, instinctively, folded over my stomach.

I heard a little gasp and I looked up.

The woman was still there, hesitating in the doorway with her hands half-outstretched as if she had been looking for some way to help. Her eyes were locked on my hands, popping wide with shock. Her mouth hung open.

Then Edward gasped, too, and he suddenly turned to face the woman, pushing me slightly behind his body. His arm wrapped across my torso, like he was holding me back.

Why? You both want the same thing.

quote:

Suddenly, Kaure was shouting at him�loudly, furiously, her unintelligible words flying across the room like knives. She raised her tiny fist in the air and took two steps forward, shaking it at him. Despite her ferocity, it was easy to see the terror in her eyes.

Edward stepped toward her, too, and I clutched at his arm, frightened for the woman. But when he interrupted her tirade, his voice took me by surprise, especially considering how sharp he�d been with her when she wasn�t screeching at him. It was low now; it was pleading. Not only that, but the sound was different, more guttural, the cadence off. I didn�t think he was speaking Portuguese anymore.

For a moment, the woman stared at him in wonder, and then her eyes narrowed as she barked out a long question in the same alien tongue.

Ah yes, those foreigners with their imperceptible alien tongue!

quote:

I watched as his face grew sad and serious, and he nodded once. She took a quick step back and crossed herself.

He reached out to her, gesturing toward me and then resting his hand against my cheek. She replied angrily again, waving her hands accusingly toward him, and then gestured to him. When she finished, he pleaded again with the same low, urgent voice.

Her expression changed�she stared at him with doubt plain on her face as he spoke, her eyes repeatedly flashing to my confused face. He stopped speaking, and she seemed to be deliberating something. She looked back and forth between the two of us, and then, unconsciously it seemed, took a step forward.

She made a motion with her hands, miming a shape like a balloon jutting out from her stomach. I started�did her legends of the predatory blood-drinker include this? Could she possibly know something about what was growing inside me?

Goes right from "I love my precious, perfect ~~Mormon~~ vampire baby with all my heart and he shall never be harmed" to "What is this strange thing growing inside me?" as the plot demands.

quote:

She walked a few steps forward deliberately this time and asked a few brief questions, which he responded to tensely. Then he became the questioner�one quick query. She hesitated and then slowly shook her head. When he spoke again, his voice was so agonized that I looked up at him in shock. His face was drawn with pain.

In answer, she walked slowly forward until she was close enough to lay her small hand on top of mine, over my stomach. She spoke one word in Portuguese.

�Morte,� she sighed quietly. Then she turned, her shoulders bent as if the conversation had aged her, and left the room.

I knew enough Spanish for that one.

This woman must live an interesting life if she knows all of this!

quote:

Edward was frozen again, staring after her with the tortured expression fixed on his face. A few moments later, I heard a boat�s engine putter to life and then fade into the distance.

Edward did not move until I started for the bathroom. Then his hand caught my shoulder.

�Where are you going?� His voice was a whisper of pain.

�To brush my teeth again.�

�Don�t worry about what she said. It�s nothing but legends, old lies for the sake of entertainment.�

�I didn�t understand anything,� I told him, though it wasn�t entirely true. As if I could discount something because it was a legend. My life was circled by legend on every side. They were all true.

How could a vampire try to use that excuse?

quote:

�I packed your toothbrush. I�ll get it for you.�

He walked ahead of me to the bedroom.

�Are we leaving soon?� I called after him.

�As soon as you�re done.�

He waited for my toothbrush to repack it, pacing silently around the bedroom. I handed it to him when I was finished.

Riveting.

quote:

�I�ll get the bags into the boat.�

�Edward��

He turned back. �Yes?�

I hesitated, trying to think of some way to get a few seconds alone. �Could you� pack some of the food? You know, in case I get hungry again.�

"Assuming the smell doesn't cause me to immediately vomit all over the boat."

quote:

�Of course,� he said, his eyes suddenly soft. �Don�t worry about anything. We�ll get to Carlisle in just a few hours, really. This will all be over soon.�

I nodded, not trusting my voice.

He turned and left the room, one big suitcase in each hand.

And thanks to his super speed, returned within 5 seconds?

quote:

I whirled and scooped up the phone he�d left on the counter. It was very unlike him to forget things�to forget that Gustavo was coming, to leave his phone lying here. He was so stressed he was barely himself.

I flipped it open and scrolled through the preprogrammed numbers. I was glad he had the sound turned off, afraid that he would catch me. Would he be at the boat now? Or back already? Would he hear me from the kitchen if I whispered?

....yes? That has been a well-established fact of how acute vampire senses are.

quote:

I found the number I wanted, one I had never called before in my life. I pressed the �send� button and crossed my fingers.

�Hello?� the voice like golden wind chimes answered.

�Rosalie?� I whispered. �It�s Bella. Please. You have to help me.�

# ? May 5, 2020 17:58

Midjack: Dec 24, 2007

Real good Steffie.

quote:

I hoped he would have Edward’s face exactly, with no interference from mine.

This is a contender for top ten most hosed sentences in the series.

# ? May 5, 2020 18:30

hyperhazard: Dec 4, 2011; I am the one lascivious
With magic potion niveous

It's your body, girl! If you don't want an abortion, don't get one! Open your mouth and tell your husband. Unless you think he'll make you get one, in which case... jesus christ.

Also, that movie montage from the last page was surprisingly cute. It was much more "husband and wife teasing each other" and less "emotionally manipulating my husband to have sex with me when he doesn't want to."

hyperhazard fucked around with this message at 18:34 on May 5, 2020

# ? May 5, 2020 18:32

Grammarchist: Jan 28, 2013

Bella somehow gives birth to a baby with 17-year-old Edward's face, like those commissioned portraits of Baby Jesus with the face of an old, vain noble.

# ? May 5, 2020 18:47

chitoryu12: Apr 24, 2014

Grammarchist posted:

Bella somehow gives birth to a baby with 17-year-old Edward's face, like those commissioned portraits of Baby Jesus with the face of an old, vain noble.

Please tell me you actually don�t know how the baby turns out.

# ? May 5, 2020 18:55

chitoryu12: Apr 24, 2014

hyperhazard posted:

It's your body, girl! If you don't want an abortion, don't get one! Open your mouth and tell your husband. Unless you think he'll make you get one, in which case... jesus christ.

This book gets a lot deeper into the abortion narrative as it goes, with all of the characters taking sides. It will also feature Edward and Jacob making a plan that caused my eyes to bug out when I read it.

quote:

Also, that movie montage from the last page was surprisingly cute. It was much more "husband and wife teasing each other" and less "emotionally manipulating my husband to have sex with me when he doesn't want to."

Every so often they actually let the actors be themselves on camera, and it's always much better than whatever Meyer thinks is how normal people act.

# ? May 5, 2020 19:11

Cythereal: Nov 8, 2009; I love the potoo,
and the potoo loves you.

chitoryu12 posted:

Oh yeah, Meyer is going to take advantage of this to do Rosalie dirty later on.

Her Mormonism is showing again. In the Mormon faith, making babies is the most important thing in existence for women. Your life revolves around your family and making it bigger, end of story. Women who choose not to have babies are rebelling against God, and women who can't for whatever reason are expected to help raise everyone else's babies.

# ? May 5, 2020 19:13

Grammarchist: Jan 28, 2013

chitoryu12 posted:

Please tell me you actually don�t know how the baby turns out.

I honestly don't, apart from seeing "Chestburster Bella" costume at a Halloween party in college. I've never seen the movies or read the books. Didn't even have regular internet access till last year, so I'm about as ignorant as one can be.

# ? May 5, 2020 19:49

chitoryu12: Apr 24, 2014

Grammarchist posted:

I honestly don't, apart from seeing "Chestburster Bella" costume at a Halloween party in college. I've never seen the movies or read the books. Didn't even have regular internet access till last year, so I'm about as ignorant as one can be.

Perfect.

# ? May 5, 2020 21:27

chitoryu12: Apr 24, 2014

Okay I actually need to be really strict on myself not to post spoilers now because the thought of someone totally blind seeing what hosed up poo poo is about to happen is so good.

# ? May 5, 2020 21:31

Midjack: Dec 24, 2007

There are two of us; the only thing I'm aware of outside of what's been posted is an alleged scene in the movie of placenta devouring.

# ? May 5, 2020 21:34

Shwoo: Jul 21, 2011

quote:

Not only that, but the sound was different, more guttural, the cadence off. I didn�t think he was speaking Portuguese anymore.

For a moment, the woman stared at him in wonder, and then her eyes narrowed as she barked out a long question in the same alien tongue.

"More guttural," "the cadence off," and "alien tongue" are all great ways to describe an indigenous language, thanks, Stephanie Meyer.

Also, how do you "bark" a long question?

# ? May 6, 2020 00:05

Grammarchist: Jan 28, 2013

Shwoo posted:

"More guttural," "the cadence off," and "alien tongue" are all great ways to describe an indigenous language, thanks, Stephanie Meyer.

Also, how do you "bark" a long question?

For a second I thought Meyer was implying Kaure was some kind of Amazonian werewolf that was losing control or something. Nope, just one of the few humans on the planet capable of putting two and two together, but tragically bereft the dulcet tones of American English.

# ? May 6, 2020 01:03

Pyrotoad: Oct 24, 2010; Illegal Hen

I know the movie version of what's coming but not the book so it'll be interesting to see what differences crop up, like with how the movie handled the honeymoon.

# ? May 6, 2020 02:04

chitoryu12: Apr 24, 2014

quote:

And yet, to say the truth,
reason and love keep little company together nowadays.

William Shakespeare
A Midsummer Night�s Dream
Act III, Scene i

Preface

quote:

Life sucks, and then you die.

Yeah, I should be so lucky.

Finally, brevity.

Chapter 8: Waiting for the drat Fight to Start Already

Never mind.

quote:

"Jeez, Paul, don't you have a freaking home of your own?

Paul, lounging across my whole couch, watching some stupid baseball game on my crappy TV, just grinned at me and then�real slow�he lifted one Dorito from the bag in his lap and wedged it into his mouth in one piece.

�You better�ve brought those with you.�

Crunch. �Nope,� he said while chewing. �Your sister said to go ahead and help myself to anything I wanted.�

Yes, Stephenie Meyer was so inspired by the epilogue to Eclipse that the entire middle third of the book is from Jacob's POV!

quote:

I tried to make my voice sound like I wasn�t about to punch him. �Is Rachel here now?�

It didn�t work. He heard where I was going and shoved the bag behind his back. The bag crackled as he smashed it into the cushion. The chips crunched into pieces. Paul�s hands came up in fists, close to his face like a boxer.

�Bring it, kid. I don�t need Rachel to protect me.�

I snorted. �Right. Like you wouldn�t go crying to her first chance.�

He laughed and relaxed into the sofa, dropping his hands. �I�m not going to go tattle to a girl. If you got in a lucky hit, that would be just between the two of us. And vice versa, right?�

Yeah, Paul is a complete douchebag even when he's not raging out and trying to murder everyone.

quote:

Nice of him to give me an invitation. I made my body slump like I�d given up. �Right.�

His eyes shifted to the TV.

I lunged.

His nose made a very satisfying crunching sound of its own when my fist connected. He tried to grab me, but I danced out of the way before he could find a hold, the ruined bag of Doritos in my left hand.

�You broke my nose, idiot.�

�Just between us, right, Paul?�

I went to put the chips away. When I turned around, Paul was repositioning his nose before it could set crooked. The blood had already stopped; it looked like it had no source as it trickled down his lips and off his chin. He cussed, wincing as he pulled at the cartilage.

�You are such a pain, Jacob. I swear, I�d rather hang out with Leah.�

Leah, the one who gets done dirty the most.

quote:

�Ouch. Wow, I bet Leah�s really going to love to hear that you want to spend some quality time with her. It�ll just warm the cockles of her heart.�

�You�re going to forget I said that.�

�Of course. I�m sure it won�t slip out.�

�Ugh,� he grunted, and then settled back into the couch, wiping the leftover blood on the collar of his t-shirt. �You�re fast, kid. I�ll give you that.� He turned his attention back to the fuzzy game.

I stood there for a second, and then I stalked off to my room, muttering about alien abductions.

Back in the day, you could count on Paul for a fight pretty much whenever. You didn�t have to hit him then�any mild insult would do. It didn�t take a lot to flip him out of control. Now, of course, when I really wanted a good snarling, ripping, break-the-trees-down match, he had to be all mellow.

So Paul is basically a villain of this piece?

quote:

Wasn�t it bad enough that yet another member of the pack had imprinted�because, really, that made four of ten now! When would it stop? Stupid myth was supposed to be rare, for crying out loud! All this mandatory love-at-first-sight was completely sickening!

Did it have to be my sister? Did it have to be Paul?

That might be grounds for murder, actually.

quote:

When Rachel�d come home from Washington State at the end of the summer semester�graduated early, the nerd�my biggest worry�d been that it would be hard keeping the secret around her. I wasn�t used to covering things up in my own home. It made me real sympathetic to kids like Embry and Collin, whose parents didn�t know they were werewolves. Embry�s mom thought he was going through some kind of rebellious stage. He was permanently grounded for constantly sneaking out, but, of course, there wasn�t much he could do about that. She�d check his room every night, and every night it would be empty again. She�d yell and he�d take it in silence, and then go through it all again the next day. We�d tried to talk Sam into giving Embry a break and letting his mom in on the gig, but Embry�d said he didn�t mind. The secret was too important.

So I�d been all geared up to be keeping that secret. And then, two days after Rachel got home, Paul ran into her on the beach. Bada bing, bada boom�true love! No secrets necessary when you found your other half, and all that imprinting werewolf garbage.

Rachel got the whole story. And I got Paul as a brother-in-law someday. I knew Billy wasn�t much thrilled about it, either. But he handled it better than I did. �Course, he did escape to the Clearwaters� more often than usual these days. I didn�t see where that was so much better. No Paul, but plenty of Leah.

Even Billy can't stand this crazy fucker.

quote:

I wondered�would a bullet through my temple actually kill me or just leave a really big mess for me to clean up?

At least Jacob has more interesting thoughts than Bella, despite the general odiousness of the cast.

quote:

I threw myself down on the bed. I was tired�hadn�t slept since my last patrol�but I knew I wasn�t going to sleep. My head was too crazy. The thoughts bounced around inside my skull like a disoriented swarm of bees. Noisy. Now and then they stung. Must be hornets, not bees. Bees died after one sting. And the same thoughts were stinging me again and again.

That is a contender for one of the worst metaphors I've ever heard.

quote:

This waiting was driving me insane. It had been almost four weeks. I�d expected, one way or another, the news would have come by now. I�d sat up nights imagining what form it would take.

Charlie sobbing on the phone�Bella and her husband lost in an accident. A plane crash? That would be hard to fake. Unless the leeches didn�t mind killing a bunch of bystanders to authenticate it, and why would they? Maybe a small plane instead. They probably had one of those to spare.

Or would the murderer come home alone, unsuccessful in his attempt to make her one of them? Or not even getting that far. Maybe he�d smashed her like a bag of chips in his drive to get some? Because her life was less important to him than his own pleasure�

Oh, they smashed.

quote:

The story would be so tragic�Bella lost in a horrible accident. Victim of a mugging gone wrong. Choking to death at dinner. A car accident, like my mom. So common. Happened all the time.

Would he bring her home? Bury her here for Charlie? Closed-casket ceremony, of course. My mom�s coffin had been nailed shut.�

This book is, uh, dark.

quote:

I could only hope that he�d come back here, within my reach.

Maybe there would be no story at all. Maybe Charlie would call to ask my dad if he�d heard anything from Dr. Cullen, who just didn�t show up to work one day. The house abandoned. No answer on any of the Cullens� phones. The mystery picked up by some second-rate news program, foul play suspected�

Maybe the big white house would burn to the ground, everyone trapped inside. Of course, they�d need bodies for that one. Eight humans of roughly the right size. Burned beyond recognition�beyond the help of dental records.

Either of those would be tricky�for me, that is. It would be hard to find them if they didn�t want to be found. Of course, I had forever to look. If you had forever, you could check out every single piece of straw in the haystack, one by one, to see if it was the needle.

Right now, I wouldn�t mind dismantling a haystack. At least that would be something to do. I hated knowing that I could be losing my chance. Giving the bloodsuckers the time to escape, if that was their plan.

We could go tonight. We could kill every one of them that we could find.

Yes, that is our protagonist wanting to go and kill some of the only vampires in the world who don't harm anyone (including the greatest surgeon in the world who has been saving lives for centuries) to prevent someone from willingly going to them to be transformed into one.

quote:

I liked that plan because I knew Edward well enough to know that, if I killed any one of his coven, I would get my chance at him, too. He�d come for revenge. And I�d give it to him�I wouldn�t let my brothers take him down as a pack. It would be just him and me. May the better man win.

But Sam wouldn�t hear of it. We�re not going to break the treaty. Let them make the breach. Just because we had no proof that the Cullens had done anything wrong. Yet. You had to add the yet, because we all knew it was inevitable. Bella was either coming back one of them, or not coming back. Either way, a human life had been lost. And that meant game on.

"Is there any possible way we can re-negotiate since it looks like this could be a hasty deci--"

"NO DIPLOMACY KILL NOW"

quote:

In the other room, Paul brayed like a mule. Maybe he�d switched to a comedy. Maybe the commercial was funny. Whatever. It grated on my nerves.

I thought about breaking his nose again. But it wasn�t Paul I wanted to fight with. Not really.

Normally I would consider this a terrifying sign of Jacob having uncontrollable rage problems, but it is Paul....

quote:

I tried to listen to other sounds, the wind in the trees. It wasn�t the same, not through human ears. There were a million voices in the wind that I couldn�t hear in this body.

But these ears were sensitive enough. I could hear past the trees, to the road, the sounds of the cars coming around that last bend where you could finally see the beach�the vista of the islands and the rocks and the big blue ocean stretching to the horizon. The La Push cops liked to hang out right around there. Tourists never noticed the reduced speed limit sign on the other side of the road.

I could hear the voices outside the souvenir shop on the beach. I could hear the cowbell clanging as the door opened and closed. I could hear Embry�s mom at the cash register, printing out a receipt.

That's rich. Today, Forks and La Push have a huge problem with the Twilight fandom leading to the establishment of white-owned gift shops that profit off the racist portrayal of the Quileute. While the tribe has used their newfound fame to galvanize support for their struggles to regain land that was stolen from them, most of the actual money goes to colonizers.

quote:

I could hear the tide raking across the beach rocks. I could hear the kids squeal as the icy water rushed in too fast for them to get out of the way. I could hear the moms complain about the wet clothes. And I could hear a familiar voice.�

I was listening so hard that the sudden burst of Paul�s donkey laugh made me jump half off the bed.

�Get out of my house,� I grumbled. Knowing he wouldn�t pay any attention, I followed my own advice. I wrenched open my window and climbed out the back way so that I wouldn�t see Paul again. It would be too tempting. I knew I would hit him again, and Rachel was going to be pissed enough already. She�d see the blood on his shirt, and she�d blame me right away without waiting for proof. Of course, she�d be right, but still.

The only good thing about this is that Meyer managed to choose a character who she's spent three books establishing as a horrible person so all of Jacob's extreme anger management problems come off as reasonable.

quote:

I paced down to the shore, my fists in my pockets. Nobody looked at me twice when I went through the dirt lot by First Beach. That was one nice thing about summer�no one cared if you wore nothing but shorts.

I followed the familiar voice I�d heard and found Quil easy enough. He was on the south end of the crescent, avoiding the bigger part of the tourist crowd. He kept up a constant stream of warnings. �Keep out of the water, Claire. C�mon. No, don�t. Oh! Nice, kid. Seriously, do you want Emily to yell at me? I�m not bringing you back to the beach again if you don�t�Oh yeah? Don�t�ugh. You think that�s funny, do you? Hah! Who�s laughing now, huh?�

He had the giggling toddler by the ankle when I reached them. She had a bucket in one hand, and her jeans were drenched. He had a huge wet mark down the front of his t-shirt.

�Five bucks on the baby girl,� I said.

In case you forgot, Claire is the literal toddler that Quil has imprinted on and is grooming to become his wife. Today, the girl who played her in Breaking Dawn is 13 years old.

quote:

�Hey, Jake.� Claire squealed and threw her bucket at Quil�s knees.

�Down, down!�

Yeah, that's what she'll be saying with a lot more fear in her tone soon.

quote:

He set her carefully on her feet and she ran to me. She wrapped her arms around my leg.

�Unca Jay!�

�How�s it going, Claire?�

She giggled. �Qwil aaaaawl wet now.�

....I have nothing.

quote:

�I can see that. Where�s your mama?�

�Gone, gone, gone,� Claire sang, �Cwaire pway wid Qwil aaaawl day. Cwaire nebber gowin home.� She let go of me and ran to Quil. He scooped her up and slung her onto his shoulders.

�Sounds like somebody�s hit the terrible twos.�

I said to my friend about his love interest.

quote:

�Threes actually,� Quil corrected. �You missed the party. Princess theme. She made me wear a crown, and then Emily suggested they all try out her new play makeup on me.�

�Wow, I�m really sorry I wasn�t around to see that.�

�Don�t worry, Emily has pictures. Actually, I look pretty hot.�

�You�re such a patsy.�

Quil shrugged. �Claire had a great time. That was the point.�

I rolled my eyes. It was hard being around imprinted people. No matter what stage they were in�about to tie the knot like Sam or just a much-abused nanny like Quil�the peace and certainty they always radiated was downright puke-inducing.

Yeah, that's the puke-inducing part.

quote:

Claire squealed on his shoulders and pointed at the ground. �Pity wock, Qwil! For me, for me!�

�Which one, kiddo? The red one?�

�No wed!�

Quil dropped to his knees�Claire screamed and pulled his hair like a horse�s reigns.

�This blue one?�

�No, no, no�,� the little girl sang, thrilled with her new game.

The weird part was, Quil was having just as much fun as she was. He didn�t have that face on that so many of the tourist dads and moms were wearing�the when-is-nap-time? face. You never saw a real parent so jazzed to play whatever stupid kiddie sport their rugrat could think up. I�d seen Quil play peekaboo for an hour straight without getting bored.

And I couldn�t even make fun of him for it�I envied him too much.

Jacob is definitely an 8chan poster.

quote:

Though I did think it sucked that he had a good fourteen years of monkitude ahead of him until Claire was his age�for Quil, at least, it was a good thing werewolves didn�t get older. But even all that time didn�t seem to bother him much.

It's extremely obvious how many aspects of werewolves were created by Meyer specifically to provide in-universe justifications for pedophilia.

quote:

�Quil, you ever think about dating?� I asked.

�Huh?�

�No, no yewwo!� Claire crowed.

�You know. A real girl. I mean, just for now, right? On your nights off babysitting duty.�

Quil stared at me, his mouth hanging open.

"Please for the love of God stop trying to gently caress children."

quote:

�Pity wock! Pity wock!� Claire screamed when he didn�t offer her another choice. She smacked him on the head with her little fist.

�Sorry, Claire-bear. How about this pretty purple one?�

�No,� she giggled. �No poopoh.�

�Give me a clue. I�m begging, kid.�

Claire thought it over.

�Gween,� she finally said. Quil stared at the rocks, studying them. He picked four rocks in different shades of green, and offered them to her. �Did I get it?�

�Yay!�

�Which one?�

�Aaaaawl ob dem!!�

She cupped her hands and he poured the small rocks into them. She laughed and immediately clunked him on the head with them. He winced theatrically and then got to his feet and started walking back up toward the parking lot. Probably worried about her getting cold in her wet clothes.

He was worse than any paranoid, overprotective mother.

That is technically correct.

quote:

�Sorry if I was being pushy before, man, about the girl thing,� I said.

�Naw, that�s cool,� Quil said. �It kind of took me by surprise is all. I hadn�t thought about it.�

�I bet she�d understand. You know, when she�s grown up. She wouldn�t get mad that you had a life while she was in diapers.�

�No, I know. I�m sure she�d understand that.�

He didn�t say anything else.

�But you won�t do that, will you?� I guessed.

�I can�t see it,� he said in a low voice. �I can�t imagine. I just don�t� see anyone that way. I don�t notice girls anymore, you know. I don�t see their faces.�

How in the goddamn did you write this conversation and never once realize what atrocities you were committing to paper?

quote:

�Put that together with the tiara and makeup, and maybe Claire will have a different kind of competition to worry about.�

Quil laughed and made kissing noises at me. �You available this Friday, Jacob?�

�You wish,� I said, and then I made a face. �Yeah, guess I am, though.�

He hesitated a second and then said, �You ever think about dating?�

I sighed. Guess I�d opened myself up for that one.

�You know, Jake, maybe you should think about getting a life.�

He didn�t say it like a joke. His voice was sympathetic. That made it worse.

"You should consider getting yourself a child bride."

quote:

�I don�t see them, either, Quil. I don�t see their faces.�

Quil sighed, too.

Far away, too low for anyone but just us two to hear it over the waves, a howl rose out of the forest.

�Dang, that�s Sam,� Quil said. His hands flew up to touch Claire, as if making sure she was still there. �I don�t know where her mom�s at!�

Please stop saying things forever.

quote:

�I�ll see what it is. If we need you, I�ll let you know.� I raced through the words. They came out all slurred together. �Hey, why don�t you take her up to the Clearwaters�? Sue and Billy can keep an eye on her if they need to. They might know what�s going on, anyway.�

�Okay�get outta here, Jake!�

I am getting out of this chapter before I throw hands.

# ? May 7, 2020 14:06

Grammarchist: Jan 28, 2013

The random shade casually thrown at Leah is bizarre, especially when she's not even around or shown to be a bother to anyone. Sure, Paul is being a huge rear end in a top hat and thrusting himself into your family, but Billy has to spend time around LEAH.

She should just peace out and go hitchhiking like the 70's Incredible Hulk, solving small-town mysteries, exposing a diamond-smuggling ring at a regional zoo, and battling Sasquatch with her werewolf powers.

# ? May 7, 2020 19:22

Funktastic: Jul 23, 2013

Her need to make characters the "bad guy" without making them do anything bad is bizarre.

Also i think i blocked out how loving disgusting the imprinting poo poo is.

# ? May 7, 2020 19:34

SUPERMAN'S GAL PAL: Feb 21, 2006; Holy Moly! DARKSEID IS!

The baby talk adds an extra :stonk:

layer to the whole thing.

Grammarchist posted:

She should just peace out and go hitchhiking like the 70's Incredible Hulk, solving small-town mysteries, exposing a diamond-smuggling ring at a regional zoo, and battling Sasquatch with her werewolf powers.

There�s a fanfic (I know) called �The Wedding Crashers� where Leah teams up with the Supernatural guys. Again, I know. But if you spite-follow Twilight like I do it�s cathartic. Don�t recommend reading it until this review is done with though because spoiler city, unless you�re familiar with how this goes.

# ? May 7, 2020 20:22

hyperhazard: Dec 4, 2011; I am the one lascivious
With magic potion niveous

Grammarchist posted:

The random shade casually thrown at Leah is bizarre, especially when she's not even around or shown to be a bother to anyone. Sure, Paul is being a huge rear end in a top hat and thrusting himself into your family, but Billy has to spend time around LEAH.

She should just peace out and go hitchhiking like the 70's Incredible Hulk, solving small-town mysteries, exposing a diamond-smuggling ring at a regional zoo, and battling Sasquatch with her werewolf powers.

I think Leah was one of the characters named after Meyer's siblings in law. I'm starting to wonder if it was real-life Leah who leaked her unpublished book.

# ? May 7, 2020 20:43

chitoryu12: Apr 24, 2014

Grammarchist posted:

The random shade casually thrown at Leah is bizarre, especially when she's not even around or shown to be a bother to anyone. Sure, Paul is being a huge rear end in a top hat and thrusting himself into your family, but Billy has to spend time around LEAH.

She should just peace out and go hitchhiking like the 70's Incredible Hulk, solving small-town mysteries, exposing a diamond-smuggling ring at a regional zoo, and battling Sasquatch with her werewolf powers.

The problem with Leah is that she's the only werewolf with a seriously interesting and unique background. She's the only female ever known to gain the shapeshifting power, something that was so shocking that it caused her father to have a fatal heart attack. While all the boys think that their powers are badass, she's got serious trauma directly related to it. She's also very stressed by the wolf hive mind causing her memories and subconscious to get mixed up, and taking it out on the others by mentally blasting them with uncomfortable tribal drama.

But because she's the only wolf who's not happy and isn't being cheerful and friendly about getting forced into the boys club, she's bad and therefore nobody likes her. Despite willingly hanging around with Paul, a man who has literally tried to transform and murder innocent people multiple times for minor slights.

chitoryu12 fucked around with this message at 20:49 on May 7, 2020

# ? May 7, 2020 20:43

Grammarchist: Jan 28, 2013

SUPERMAN'S GAL PAL posted:

The baby talk adds an extra layer to the whole thing.

There�s a fanfic (I know) called �The Wedding Crashers� where Leah teams up with the Supernatural guys. Again, I know. But if you spite-follow Twilight like I do it�s cathartic. Don�t recommend reading it until this review is done with though because spoiler city, unless you�re familiar with how this goes.

Thanks, I'll probably check it out when this is done. Reading is my go-to anxiety escape right now and I'm not above cathartic fanfic. Incidentally, Tolstoy's "Family of the Vardoulak" gave me tonal whiplash by painting "undead people watching you sleep" as actually creepy.

# ? May 7, 2020 20:48

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# ? May 25, 2024 00:43

chitoryu12: Apr 24, 2014

I forgot, Leah was also Sam's loyal girlfriend until Sam imprinted on Emily and immediately abandoned her. So the realities of the shapeshifter pack has caused trauma multiple times for her and now she's magically forced to follow her ex's leadership while having all of his thoughts about Emily blasted into her head. The book later goes into even more detail on the physical changes it's caused and the implications of being the first female werewolf. She has every right to be pissed as hell about what's happened to her and all the characters can do nothing but give her poo poo over it for not being sufficiently loyal and cheerful.

# ? May 7, 2020 20:49

The Something Awful Forums > Archives > Comedy Goldmine > The Goodmine > Where It All Began - Let's Read the Twilight Series

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