Mistle posted:

Is this knowledge from personal experience?

Doc Fission posted:

TBH this thread has been really fun for me to hang out in therapeutically speaking. We're all negotiating different types of tension that expresses itself both passively and actively, in unpredictable and uncontrollable fits, and my blackpill comedy accelerationist brain is working pretty good in this space. It is not about finding something productive or constructive, it is about finding what helps you hang on

Anyway I'm eating pizza in bed!

FAUXTON posted:

drugs are just another lib thing to distract them from the fact that the rent is criminally high and what should be decriminalized is unionizing tenants to start seizing buildings.

Man Musk posted:

re: birdchat: i only just learned those birds that hang around my house are called things like stork, egret, and swan. there is also crow. nature is rad.

snoo posted:

you're right not having kids DOES own

Man Musk posted:

it's rad. personally, i've found that i'm hella buoyed by 2 astrological stars, and the quarantine has been a blessing in letting my manic star shine brightly thru

Lawman 0 posted:

It's an excellent time to catch up on all things you have been putting off

Chinatown posted:

congrats on this extremely obvious revelation

glad u r here :3

snoo posted:

im not

Bigpeeler posted:

THIS IS LONG, BUT WELL WORTH THE READ

__________________________________________


Years ago, I worked at the St.Louis Zoo. I started out with the hoofstock, but because I'm a big guy (6'3" / 290) they sent me up to the Elephant House. It is here where the two "most disgusting things" took place.

1. Twice a day, 4 of our female elephants would perform in the Elephant Show. They would go on stage, lift a leg, walk in a circle, typical dopey stuff that made the kids go "Oooooo!!!"

But every now and then, right in the middle of the show, one of them would decide to take a poo poo. And when an elephant shits, it shits big. 7,8,9 maybe 10 huge turds the size of cantaloupes. And they don't come out in one big clump, they tend to fall individually, so if she's walking, she's dropping bombs every 4 or 5 feet. The the sideline keeper was to quickly run out on stage with a shovel and scoop them up. This would inevitably get the biggest laugh and applause from the crowd. We'd scoop the poo poo, then stop and take a bow. Ahhh show biz.

Well one day, the head curator of mammals decides he's got the perfect solution to the "stage making GBS threads" problem. We would start "pulling" the elephants 5 minutes before showtime.

"Pulling" would require that a keeper with long arms cough (me) cough would put on a shoulder length rubber glove (yes, they make them for some odd reason) and slather it with Vaseline. Then this lucky keeper would stand on a stool behind the target elephant while a fellow keeper pulled her tail to one side. Then, without even a kiss on her lips, this keeper would slide his arm up her rear end as far as it would go (up to your shoulder), curl his fingers and basically "pull" out as much poo poo as possible. She would just stand there patiently like she was at the elephant gynecologist.

JEEZUS IT WAS DISGUSTING!!!!!

Being a zookeeper wasn't all fun and games, believe me.
____________

2.When your cat dies, you pick it up and go bury it. When a 3 ton elephant dies, things are a little different.

We had and old cow (female) elephant named Marie. She was very docile, but very old. We noticed that she started to slow down on her feed. We kept very accurate records on these animals because they were expensive and increasingly endangered. Anyway, she started to get sick.

One morning I come to work, unlock the Elephant House and before I could round the corner to the elephant cages, I could hear something was wrong. The other 5 cows were hysterical. The were trumpeting like crazy and inside this huge old concrete building, it was deafening.

I rounded the corner and froze in my tracks. Marie was down. By down I mean she was laying on her side, which is unusual for an older elephant. They get weak as they age and it gets increasingly difficult for them to get up. That's why you'll see older elephants sleeping while leaning against a tree or a rock.

I called #42, which was Zoo Emergency. Everyone came running and the building was shut down. We let the other elephants out in the yard, but they wouldn't go because one of their own was sick. They just stood, huddled together and watched. We eventually got them to the adjacent cage. Believe me, elephants are so loving smart and intuitive, it's spooky. You'd die if I told you some of the stories I experienced.

Well, long story short, Marie died. There she lay, inside her cage. We all just stood there trying to grasp the situation. Then someone asked, "How in the hell are we going to get her out of there?"

The next thing I know, a Zoo Delivery Truck pulls up. On it were 25 pairs of hip-boots, 10 50-gallon drums, a case of rubber gloves and surgical masks and 10 brand new chain saws. We all looked at eack other like we were in some nightmare, but hey, this was part of the job.

We got in line and were assigned different areas of Marie that we were to "disassemble". Once we got going, it was the most macabre sight you could imagine. We had legs and feet over here, her head over there, her tail and truck over there. And the blood. Oh my God, there was blood EVERYWHERE. On the walls, on our tools, on us!

We had 4 staff veterinarians plus 8 students. We took Marie apart piece by piece and they did various tests and biopsies on each piece as it was removed. Once the various sections were finished, they'd be carted off in the sealed drums.

Finally, we got to the HUGE dismembered torso laying there in a pool of blood. The Head Veterinarian instructed Ed and myself to fire up the chain saws and cut her chest cavity open. "And when you do, get ready to move quick because 1000 pounds of intestines are going to spill out." loving surreal.

We fire the saws up and walk toward the torso. Everyone else was standing about 10 feet behind us. Ed and I just looked at each other and smiled like, "What the gently caress are we doing here?" I stuck my saw in and cut towards her neck, Ed cut towards her tail. Instantaneously, she ripped open and here came the flood of blood and guts. We were loving up to our ankles in this poo poo and GOD did it stink!!!! I stood up as did Ed and we turned to walk away (we had been bent over as we cut her open). As I did, I noticed the face of the Vets standing there. They were totally freaking about something, but not telling us. Ed and I froze.

I saw one of the student vets point and I turned to look. Mixed in with the blood and entrails was this gigantic mass of what looked like cottage cheese. It oozed up around ma and Ed's feet. Suddenly, the head Vet screamed "COVER YOUR MOUTH!!! IT'S TUBERCULOSIS!!!! RUN!!!"

I took off as fast as I could. Ed did too but he slipped in the slimy blood/guts and fell right over backwards. He screamed. Me and another keeper grabbed him and slid him out. By now everyone was running like their asses were on fire and there were water hoses squirting all of us down. We were stripping off our clothes as we ran and we all ended up naked, grabbing our packages and shaking like school girls.

The whole loving Zoo had to take a series of TB tests afterwards and only a couple of those involved got sick. We all had to sign papers stating that we would never talk about what happened for 5 years. Everyone got 2 weeks off with "stress" pay.

I think that would qualify as "disgusting".

facetoucher cat posted:

I identified a hooded warbler

euphronius posted:

I should have stuck with classic

too late now

MorrisBae posted:

I met a girl online a few days ago that I thought was absolutely perfect. We Skyped and hit it off great.

Then she told me she was paying someone $4000 to drive from Florida to her home in Detroit and deliver a puppy.

I told her this is probably a bad idea because

1. There's no hotels, so guy's going to have to drive straight through
2. No bathrooms will be open on the way
3. She's immunocompromised and if she gets roni from the guy or the dog, she's pretty much going to die
4. $4000 wtf
5. What if it's a scam and the guy kills you

Her response: "the local shelters were out of dogs, and I saw pictures so I know it's real"

We haven't talked since

MorrisBae posted:

I met a girl online a few days ago that I thought was absolutely perfect. We Skyped and hit it off great.

Then she told me she was paying someone $4000 to drive from Florida to her home in Detroit and deliver a puppy.

I told her this is probably a bad idea because

1. There's no hotels, so guy's going to have to drive straight through
2. No bathrooms will be open on the way
3. She's immunocompromised and if she gets roni from the guy or the dog, she's pretty much going to die
4. $4000 wtf
5. What if it's a scam and the guy kills you

Her response: "the local shelters were out of dogs, and I saw pictures so I know it's real"

We haven't talked since

shovelbum posted:

time for a FORUMS CLASSIC

shovelbum posted:

time for a FORUMS CLASSIC

facetoucher cat posted:

this thread keeps me centered in the strangest way. Cant stop posting, corona will get me

MorrisBae posted:

I met a girl online a few days ago that I thought was absolutely perfect. We Skyped and hit it off great.

Then she told me she was paying someone $4000 to drive from Florida to her home in Detroit and deliver a puppy.

I told her this is probably a bad idea because

1. There's no hotels, so guy's going to have to drive straight through
2. No bathrooms will be open on the way
3. She's immunocompromised and if she gets roni from the guy or the dog, she's pretty much going to die
4. $4000 wtf
5. What if it's a scam and the guy kills you

Her response: "the local shelters were out of dogs, and I saw pictures so I know it's real"

We haven't talked since

Stefan Prodan posted:

do you think bigpeeler voted for trump or voted for trump, snuck back in and voted for trump again

SKULL.GIF posted:

this is a really bad way to do a scam/murder, lots of traceback information and all, so I'd lean towards "probably not" on that front

agreed on the rest

Trixie Hardcore posted:

I’m not going to tell anyone not to listen to the virus collaborating goons itt saying there’s no point in staying locked down yourself because chuds won’t and nothing is real... but maybe consider letting chuds get their wiggles out a bit first because they’re currently in Spring Break mode and already have a head start at clogging up the hospitals.

MorrisBae posted:

I met a girl online a few days ago that I thought was absolutely perfect. We Skyped and hit it off great.

Then she told me she was paying someone $4000 to drive from Florida to her home in Detroit and deliver a puppy.

I told her this is probably a bad idea because

1. There's no hotels, so guy's going to have to drive straight through
2. No bathrooms will be open on the way

Bruce Hussein Daddy posted:

huh. Didn't know there were other flat earth rappers than myself. interesting

SardonicTyrant posted:

It was called loving Soup Plantation?

Trixie Hardcore posted:

When I first saw the word Souplantation was trending I assumed it was a next level “I need my Applebees” joke about a fictional restaurant combining white peoples’ two favorite things.

SardonicTyrant posted:

It was called loving Soup Plantation?

a helpful bear posted:

lol our governor was lauded for being safe and still only waited 8 days with "declining" cases before starting to open up parks, campsites, and other public outdoor places because despite being scared by his cancer and loved by the corp/upper-middle-class dems, he's still a republican

looking forward to footage of crowds from ocean city beaches this weekend

MorrisBae posted:

I met a girl online a few days ago that I thought was absolutely perfect. We Skyped and hit it off great.

Then she told me she was paying someone $4000 to drive from Florida to her home in Detroit and deliver a puppy.

I told her this is probably a bad idea because

1. There's no hotels, so guy's going to have to drive straight through
2. No bathrooms will be open on the way
3. She's immunocompromised and if she gets roni from the guy or the dog, she's pretty much going to die
4. $4000 wtf
5. What if it's a scam and the guy kills you

Her response: "the local shelters were out of dogs, and I saw pictures so I know it's real"

We haven't talked since

snoo posted:

a helpful bear posted:

hell yeah gently caress hogan. he's been nothing but obsessed with building some stupid record of being "the good guy" while hornt up for ocean city biz