Stupid_Sexy_Flander posted:

And unfortunately now I know what Philip K Dick meant by "The milk is thoroughly pizzled".

purple death ray posted:

barbecue at the folks posted:

I was sure that could not have been a thing, a wikipedia trip later I stand corrected. Here's a nugget of information about how lion peepees can be serious business in Sweden:

Splicer posted:

Seems a straightforward swap, give dicks to the dicks

Ghost Leviathan posted:

I want to hear more about the emus. I am Australian, so it just sounds extra emusing.

D-Pad posted:

I grew up on an ostrich farm. My parents started raising them very early on in the ostrich bubble that happened in the US in the late 80s and 90s because our neighbor was an exotic animal guy and was part of the original group that started the "industry" back then.

The hope was that they would take off as another type of meat and had the potential to become similar to cattle farming. It was mainly a bunch of rich guys at the beginning who traded them for stupid amounts of money at the beginning. My parents were getting 40k-75k for a good breeding pair and chicks would sell for $2,500 and it was easy to raise a ton.

The insane prices were because of their rarity in the states at the time. What actually happened was that every livestock person saw how much money could be made and started buying in. This created and sustained a bubble for 6-8 years before the market saturated and everybody looked around and realized they had a bunch of giant birds that nobody wanted the meat of and nobody else wanted to buy in at those prices and they became worthless over night and sold for less than the cost of feeding them.

My mom had begged for my dad to get out of the business that year and he wanted one more year and promised he would sell out then. He lost a fuckload of money, but since we had been poor before he got in and had several years of making six figures he came out ahead overall and then proceeded to lose it in another venture that actually would have worked but ran into extremely bad luck.

And that's how my family went from poor to rich and ended up solidly middle class because of giant birds and the weird decade of optimism that was the late 80s/early 90s

Ariong posted:

That’s crazy.

Let’s put it all into ostrich breeding!
*years later*
We’re rich! Just as planned. Now for a more reasonable business vent-OH GOD WE’VE LOST EVERYTHING

oldpainless posted:

“Bless your heart”’is mostly said to girls with poppin hot booties

John Lee posted:

And yeah, my elder relative got suckered into the emu-buying craze, then he got fed up and ate them. Pretty good in tacos!

Antivehicular posted:

I believe it was the n-word

elise the great posted:

elise the great posted:

To clarify: before my parents split, while they were still deep in the mutual fantasy world of religious extremism, we all lived in a small house in the backwoods of southeast Texas on an acre of poorly utilized land, where the five of us “homeschooled” kids ran around unsupervised all day eating clover and pretending to be animals. We had some cats and some dogs, and no actual friends. No public school, no neighborhood kids...

We went to church and homeschool meetings intermittently because my parents’ mental health didn’t really lend itself to getting five feral children into a van, fully dressed, on time. Sometimes my mother taught piano lessons to other homeschoolers, and sometimes those kids were allowed to play with us for a half hour afterward. We were also horribly awkward, socially inept little fucks with our own burgeoning mental health and trauma problems, and we weren’t popular even with the few kids we did see sometimes.

So we were quite isolated and constantly dreamed of finding magical portals to populated areas, psychic unicorns that would have conversations with us, secret populations of forest orphans, whatever. We were fairly desperate for friends of any kind.

One day an emu walked into our yard. My mom absolutely panicked and locked us all in the house and called Animal Control, which was almost thirty miles away in Tomball and frankly didn’t seem to believe her. She knew it was an emu, but why an emu? Was this some kind of spiritual warfare? Was Satan sending this weird haystack with a blue neck to curse us all with rabies?

To my sister and I, this was nothing short of the miracle we had always wanted. Sure, not exactly a unicorn, but fuckin look at the thing, it has to be magical somehow. This thing was definitely from Narnia. It looked just the right size to carry kids around on its back, and it was FAST.

We lured it to the bedroom window with sandwich bread and hung out with it for a while. It seemed to like us, and while it couldn’t psychically communicate yet, that would probably develop with the deep emotional heart bond that would someday connect us as we ran through the forest together, seeking the portal to its mystical fairyland home.

My mom walked in to find my sister hugging its neck, and me trying my goddamnedest to establish a psychic link by staring into its goblin eyes. She screamed and screamed, and Animal Control (who had just arrived) raced around the corner of the house to find my sister and me weeping and clinging to this garbage reject ostrich, begging to keep it forever.

Animal Control did a great job of not taking the bird. They convinced my mom that there was a big market for exotic birds right now, that they laid huge eggs, that they ate cheap chicken feed and fire ants, and that they were in fact an ideal yard animal for a single-acre family of religious lunatics in the forest. We named her Tin Lizzie and kept her for almost six months before she had finished destroying the entire front half of the acre, run away six times, beat up the neighbor’s malamute, and utterly failed to establish any kind of psychic heart bond with any of us. Eventually my mom called some guy one of her piano students knew, and he picked the bird up and took her away, and we went back to cats and dogs and imaginary half-fairy half-mermaid friends.

Up until literally just now I had no idea why an emu might have been wandering free in the woods of southeast Texas, and there have been times I wonder if I somehow dreamed it. Now I guess Tin Lizzie was just a cast-off victim of the emu boom. She never did lay any eggs.

3D Megadoodoo posted:

I was out drinking with a group of people and the conversation touched on prostitution so one guy volunteers that he had hired a prostitute once, in Amsterdam, when he was there with his mate. Then he checks himself and tells his common-law wife sitting beside him "oh that was before I met you, honey!" and she replies "you've only been to Amsterdam once and I drove you two to the airport".

barbecue at the folks posted:

This is an amazing post. Thank you

Dixville posted:

I thought the n word was "grandmas"

Ghost Leviathan posted:

My experience as an Australian with emus is mostly that they are extremely silly looking and take massive, disgusting shits. They also apparently eat pretty much anything to a goatlike degree, including money left unattended.

Ghost Leviathan posted:

My experience as an Australian with emus is mostly that they are extremely silly looking and take massive, disgusting shits. They also apparently eat pretty much anything to a goatlike degree, including money left unattended.

Random Stranger posted:

I thought the Australian experience with emus was humiliating military defeat.

EorayMel posted:

The king of the hill episode where buck strickland says "You gots to get rid of my emus hank" and hands the men a shotgun and sends them off in some field with a bunch of emus and bill feeds them and the credit sequence where theres a bunch of emus standing around where they usually stand around drinking beer but for funny forums quotes

Ghost Leviathan posted:

That's the episode where I just can't get over how funny the way they say 'emu' is.

Solice Kirsk posted:

How do they pronounce it?

Captain Monkey posted:

'emu'

Inceltown posted:

Are you sure that was an emu and not just an Australian?

Ghost Leviathan posted:

My experience as an Australian with emus is mostly that they are extremely silly looking and take massive, disgusting shits. They also apparently eat pretty much anything to a goatlike degree, including money left unattended.

Collateral Damage posted:

As a European, this is my experience with the Australians as well.

Solice Kirsk posted:

Huh. That is funny!

Knight posted:

Subject: Your family member (SS# 123-45-6789) has died
Message: Hi Knight, Your family member has died! You'll find tracking information below; please note that it may take up to 24 hours for your tracking number(s) to return any information.

Facility: Tempe Senior Living
Tracking #: 123-45-6789
Status: DEAD

Tracking History
4/30/20 10:52 AM - Family member infected at Tempe Senior Living
5/6/20 11:04 PM - Family member tested, confirmed positive for COVID-19
5/13/20 3:17 AM - Dead
5/13/20 6:30 AM - Out for delivery
5/14/20 8:10 AM - Family member left on resident's porch

Dumb Lowtax posted:

Grevling posted:

Of course not, everyone knows religion is bull but mediums have been known to be correct sometimes.

RandomFerret posted:

I see... a man. Mid 30s, overweight, large beard that would be impressive if it was groomed better... he's sitting alone... the room he's in is messy but there are expensive items in it, mostly electronics... he has enough money to live comfortably but he isn't happy, and the fact that he isn't happy makes him feel worse... he thinks he should have taken that opportunity to move to the coast ten years ago... he hates who he is but he's terrified of making any big changes, so he just lives in a gay baby jail of his own making

*accidentally nudges mouse with elbow*

Ah, the vision has left me

Paladinus posted:

Piss > poo poo.

Lobok posted:

Actually, one is less than two.

Baron von Eevl posted:

Pee > poop quote

Solice Kirsk posted:

How do they pronounce it?

Tiggum posted:

Americans say "ee-moo". It's actually pronounced "eem-yoo".