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We had a phantom shitter in my OCS class. He got drunk and dropped a steamer dead-center in the cadre bathroom. As luck would have it, the really cool captain on staff found the guy and just yelled at him to clean it up before the next morning. Drunken hero did not do anything of the sort, apparently just stumbling off to a drunken sleep; everyone got recalled early the next morning (off our first pass weekend/first weekend allowed to have alcohol), and this guy somehow managed to convince our battalion commander that he should get to stay in the course and commission. This was in early 2009, so the army was desperate for bodies of all ranks...and that’s probably the only thing that saved him from being thrown out. He was recycled to the next class, and became a 2LT 3 weeks later than he had anticipated...but otherwise no other punishment (that anyone ever heard of).
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Jul 19, 2020 16:03
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I asked about the MP/MA thing. He called it an MP because he assumed I didn't know what an MA was (fair assumption). I told him that I shared the story and he laughed and said he wouldn't simplify things for me in the future if I was going to be passing the story along to people who weren't "dumb dependents". Also, the thing that got the Phantom Shitter caught was dropping a log in the O-4 mug. He'd been loving with the ship about once a week for the past three months by carrying turds around in sandwich baggies and depositing them in conspicuous locations.
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Jul 19, 2020 17:18
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Kith posted:I got the story secondhand, so it wouldn't surprise me if something got garbled along the way - or it might be that he simplified details for my sake. Either way - it was a pistol, not a rifle. I was hoping you'd come back and explain that the phantom shitter shat during mast.
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Jul 19, 2020 17:30
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piL posted:I was hoping you'd come back and explain that the phantom shitter shat during mast. I have it on good authority that someone said "oh poo poo" after the ND. Does that count?
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Jul 19, 2020 18:14
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Kith posted:I have it on good authority that someone said "oh poo poo" after the ND. Does that count? Only if the accused followed with aye aye sir.
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Jul 19, 2020 18:17
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I know someone who had an extended stay with a UK army unit for something or another, and told me of a horrifying game he was introduced to called 'spatters'. Someone hides a poo poo somewhere. When it's found, someone else hides a dump. The owner of the longest hidden poo poo wins, minus anyone disqualified for getting caught or charged. During one round, a poop couldn't be found and players DQ'd the alleged owner on suspicions that it never existed. He was vindicated weeks later once it was found hidden in a scooped out hollow inside a tub of margarine. 
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Jul 19, 2020 19:05
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loving, and I say this with the greatest possible amount of affection, Brits.
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Jul 19, 2020 19:19
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Guest2553 posted:I know someone who had an extended stay with a UK army unit for something or another, and told me of a horrifying game he was introduced to called 'spatters'. Someone hides a poo poo somewhere. When it's found, someone else hides a dump. The owner of the longest hidden poo poo wins, minus anyone disqualified for getting caught or charged. Sir, sorry to hear you were terminated from your position as... Lance Corporal for violation of the health code. But have you ever thought about serving your country from the shadows? The S.I.S. has comparable pay and fantastic benefits packages...
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Jul 19, 2020 19:27
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Guest2553 posted:I know someone who had an extended stay with a UK army unit for something or another, and told me of a horrifying game he was introduced to called 'spatters'. Someone hides a poo poo somewhere. When it's found, someone else hides a dump. The owner of the longest hidden poo poo wins, minus anyone disqualified for getting caught or charged. New 007 origin movie looking good.
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Jul 19, 2020 19:47
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I'd have joined the military if I knew I could have been hide the turd champion
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Jul 19, 2020 19:51
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dscruffy1 posted:I figured Phantom Shitter is someone who shits in a public space and then beats feet for someone else to discover. We had it happen fairly often in the showers at DLI. I'm also extremely disappointed that "ND" wasn't a euphemism here
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Jul 19, 2020 20:38
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Milo and POTUS posted:I'd have joined the military if I knew I could have been hide the turd champion This is the only "I should've joined" that I can ever accept from now on lol.
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Jul 19, 2020 21:08
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Semi-related to NDs: Linked because apparently it's loving huge and I don't wanna break tables I knew a guy who did the same thing to gently caress with cops he drove by, using apple juice and a novelty lighter. Last I heard, his licence has been permanently revoked despite having no accident record.
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Jul 19, 2020 23:04
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I steal everything I can from recruiters whenever I can. How many army tracksuits do you guys have? 
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Jul 19, 2020 23:16
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This isn't military specifically, but this was the first story I ever heard of the Phantom Shitter. From what I know about chip fabs, this probably happened more than once. This guy got creative.
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Jul 20, 2020 00:05
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Jedi425 posted:This isn't military specifically, but this was the first story I ever heard of the Phantom Shitter. From what I know about chip fabs, this probably happened more than once. This guy got creative. Paul Riddell is also (as far as I can tell) the coiner of the phrase "Cat Piss Man". The essay has vanished from it's original hosting but is quoted in the OP of this thread.
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Jul 20, 2020 00:44
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I have unearthed something that I sent my dad several years ago. I'm not going to tell you the contents of this clip, but I will tell you that you absolutely, 100%, must listen to it. It's two minutes and some change. Do yourself the favor.
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Jul 20, 2020 01:31
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Milo and POTUS posted:I'd have joined the military if I knew I could have been hide the turd champion 
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Jul 20, 2020 01:33
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Kith posted:I have unearthed something that I sent my dad several years ago. I'm not going to tell you the contents of this clip, but I will tell you that you absolutely, 100%, must listen to it. It's two minutes and some change. Do yourself the favor. incredibly pro click
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Jul 20, 2020 01:34
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Memento posted:incredibly pro click
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Jul 20, 2020 01:47
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We had a phantom pooper at my workplace who hit both the mens and women's rooms at all 5 locations in the plant wednesday, both floor bomb and wall smear in all 10 restrooms. It's a solid 30 minute walk to make that complete circuit, I'm like, I can't even be mad that is loving dedication
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Jul 20, 2020 02:01
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Memento posted:incredibly pro click
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Jul 20, 2020 02:05
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Kith posted:I have unearthed something that I sent my dad several years ago. I'm not going to tell you the contents of this clip, but I will tell you that you absolutely, 100%, must listen to it. It's two minutes and some change. Do yourself the favor. Lol.
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Jul 20, 2020 05:53
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What if it is one of the guys assigned to watch who is the mad jacker? that's like a free pass right there!! e: oh 2 of em.. what if it is a jacking conspiracy?!?!
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Jul 20, 2020 05:59
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priznat posted:What if it is one of the guys assigned to watch who is the mad jacker? that's like a free pass right there!! If the watches are rotated, it only gives the occasional opportunity for the conspiracy to work, and only under the conditions that they are both conspirators and share a streak of exhibitionism-voyeurism.
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Jul 20, 2020 07:33
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Nothing phantom about this shitter from the OSHA thread. Kith posted:https://i.imgur.com/mFd6R7f.mp4
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Jul 20, 2020 11:00
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Guest2553 posted:I know someone who had an extended stay with a UK army unit for something or another, and told me of a horrifying game he was introduced to called 'spatters'. Someone hides a poo poo somewhere. When it's found, someone else hides a dump. The owner of the longest hidden poo poo wins, minus anyone disqualified for getting caught or charged.
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Jul 20, 2020 12:36
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Edit: misread.
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Jul 20, 2020 14:01
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Not exactly a phantom shitter, but I decided to prank my boss in Bagram in '06. I took an empty takeout tray to the port-a-john, dropped a deuce in it, then brought it with me when he was giving me a lift to post and conveniently left it in his Humvee. He pulled into my post later and just yelled "Hey Wild T, thanks for the poo poo" and drove off. Good boss.
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Jul 20, 2020 14:22
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Oh my god that's amazing  specially because I know in my shoes I'd be thinking free food till I opened it and the smell hit.
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Jul 20, 2020 14:34
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Hyperlynx posted:I like to imagine that this means you win if your hidden turd is the longest. This was a few years ago, maybe the barbarians developed some best-in-category awards
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Jul 20, 2020 14:36
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Wild T posted:Not exactly a phantom shitter, but I decided to prank my boss in Bagram in '06. I took an empty takeout tray to the port-a-john, dropped a deuce in it, then brought it with me when he was giving me a lift to post and conveniently left it in his Humvee. Some good friends of ours where in the Peace Corp in Africa prior to us meeting them. We were working together in Africa talking about how we all got the shits from eating at a restaurant the other night so the husband was like - hey babe, tell them the McDonald's story. So, they were out in the bush for 2 years after graduating from college, and as part of their out-processing in the capital, they had to get stool samples for worms, etc. Anyways, the night before, they decided to eat some McDees as they've been on rice and beans and bushmeat for a few years. Next morning, the wife collects her morning dump and they realize they have no bags but the Golden Arch - no problem. In the taxi ride on the way to the clinic they decided to stop at a mall. First mall they've been too in awhile, etc. They hop in a new taxi to head to the clinic when the husband realizes - no McDonald's bag. So some African probably hopped into a taxi and thought they scored a free McDonald's meal only to be terribly disappointed. Or the driver opened the bag and thought our friends were into some crazy poo poo.
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Jul 20, 2020 16:32
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I had a bunch of friends who lived in a lovely rental house that was almost but not quite a punk house. One of their friends moved cities and they threw him a going away party and at one point he announced that he had to poo poo and asked if he could poo poo on the floor as a going away present to the house. They said sure so he copped a squat in the corner of the kitchen, somebody else made a tiny flag out of a toothpick and some paper that said "bless this mess" and stuck it on top and they left it there until the smell got so bad they had to clean it up.
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Jul 20, 2020 17:18
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He would never win a game of hide the poo poo
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Jul 20, 2020 17:38
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Wild T posted:Why she wouldn't explain that before telling someone they've got hepatitis is a testament to military bedside manner. A lifetime ago I was trying to crosstrain in the Air Force to an AFSC that required a flight physical. Flight Doc decides I should get a MRI due to some headaches in my medical record. I proceed to get this done, and notice during the procedure the technicians pointing excitedly at the screen. A couple days later I get an email from Airman Snuffy to the effect of "The doctor has referred you to see a neurosurgeon. Please call DSN XXX-XXXX to schedule. V/r Airman Snuffy." For the rest of the day I barely contained a public freak-out while I tried to get through to the clinic, which was apparently closed for training day and the obligatory hour and a half lunch which follows to figure out what the gently caress that exactly meant. Long story short it was simply to rule out a benign cyst on my MRI, but not before I got to be Airman Brain-Cancer.
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Jul 20, 2020 18:35
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Kranrev posted:A lifetime ago I was trying to crosstrain in the Air Force to an AFSC that required a flight physical. Flight Doc decides I should get a MRI due to some headaches in my medical record. I proceed to get this done, and notice during the procedure the technicians pointing excitedly at the screen. Was the cyst caused by rawdogging a fat German though?
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Jul 20, 2020 18:57
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Wild T posted:Was the cyst caused by rawdogging a fat German though? Alas I was fresh out of Osan, so it was definitely not a german.
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Jul 20, 2020 19:09
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One day i noticed a particular hallway at the office smelled faintly of piss. The pissy odor got worse over time, so i started avoiding the piss hall. I was not able to avoid the piss hall all the time however, and on one of the occasions i was obligated to pass through i noticed the carpet was getting really dark and gross in the hall, and it was worst at one particular manager’s door. Eventually ( this took weeks ) the piss smell was evident at the ends of piss hall, and there was a clear track of walked piss on the carpet through the hall, especially in and out of this one managers door. In the managers office the carpet was also clearly stained from walking through the piss all the time. Months go by. The smell only ever gets worse. Eventually, when the sun was at a specific angle, you could see a clear bleaching of the wood around that manager’s door knob on their office door, and a clear spatter of piss alllllllllll over the door from where some individual had sauntered up and just whizzzzed all over that doorknob. Security tapes were reviewed. Someone apparently got fired. It was never announced who. Apparently there was a simmering grudge, perhaps?? I heard through the grapevine though, and i knew the ostensibly fired pisser. If it was regarding what i believe it was regarding, then pisser was absolutely addressing the situation in the most tactful means available. The manager in question was laid off very soon after the pisser got fired. I choose to interpret this as additional evidence he had earned all that piss he had to get handsy with every day.
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Jul 20, 2020 22:26
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fresh_cheese posted:One day i noticed a particular hallway at the office smelled faintly of piss. He may have lost his job but he won that pissing match!
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Jul 20, 2020 22:34
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This is making the rounds on Twitter and is kind of military adjacent (wannabe navy seals) so thought it would be suitable: https://threadreaderapp.com/thread/1284171501298757633.html quote:
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Jul 21, 2020 00:54
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