shit_that_didnt_happen.txt: I'm finding it very hard to immerse myself in the lie.

The Something Awful Forums > Main > Post Your Favorite: Carefully Curated > shit_that_didnt_happen.txt: I'm finding it very hard to immerse myself in the lie.

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Len: Jan 21, 2008; Pouches, bandages, shoulderpad, cyber-eye...

Bitchin'!

The General posted:

Have you ever met a pot smoker? I assure you the vast majority of people saying they would, actually would.

I have and they live in a magical world

"It's not addictive man"
*Proceeds to smoke some crumbs found on the floor because being sober is a date worse than death*

That's actually a thing a guy I know did, recently, he's 29 or 30 and owns a house and has a well paying job.

# ? Jun 22, 2020 02:01

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# ? May 11, 2024 18:05

Solice Kirsk: Jun 1, 2004; .

You think that's funny? Watch when the cocaine runs out and then every piece of dust on what ever surface they were using suddenly gets scraped into a pile and snorted "just in case" some coke was in it.

# ? Jun 22, 2020 04:27

chitoryu12: Apr 24, 2014

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hhteI7H7C4c

# ? Jun 22, 2020 17:57

Len: Jan 21, 2008; Pouches, bandages, shoulderpad, cyber-eye...

Bitchin'!

Solice Kirsk posted:

You think that's funny? Watch when the cocaine runs out and then every piece of dust on what ever surface they were using suddenly gets scraped into a pile and snorted "just in case" some coke was in it.

Lifehacks!

# ? Jun 22, 2020 19:04

Air Skwirl: May 13, 2007; Neither snow nor rain nor heat nor gloom of night stays these couriers from the swift completion of their appointed shitposting.

chitoryu12 posted:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hhteI7H7C4c

That's a terrifying video post COVID.

# ? Jun 22, 2020 19:39

fish and chips and dip: Feb 17, 2010

Found one in the wild

# ? Jun 22, 2020 20:23

GreenMetalSun: Oct 12, 2012

ZDar Fan posted:

https://mobile.twitter.com/cloversinamber/status/1272369329951182850

When I was on vacation in Jamaica last year, the resort had a (brief, but they had it) BLM/anti-slavery demonstration that the staff participated in. This lady would have died.

# ? Jun 22, 2020 20:49

kimbo305: Jun 9, 2007; actually, yeah, I am a little mad

https://www.reddit.com/r/thatHappened/comments/h8556y/borrowing_my_17_year_old_brothers_spare_phone_and/
Borrowing my 17 year old brothers spare phone and found this conversation after my bro said he was taking his girl to a motel ...

# ? Jun 23, 2020 08:28

Zipperelli.: Apr 3, 2011; Nap Ghost

kimbo305 posted:

https://www.reddit.com/r/thatHappened/comments/h8556y/borrowing_my_17_year_old_brothers_spare_phone_and/
Borrowing my 17 year old brothers spare phone and found this conversation after my bro said he was taking his girl to a motel ...

Holy moly. Thats um. Thats a whole lot.

# ? Jun 24, 2020 05:08

Tired Moritz: Mar 25, 2012; wish Lowtax would get tired of YOUR POSTS

_{_{(n o i c e)}}

Teenage boys are so dumb

# ? Jun 24, 2020 05:20

Air Skwirl: May 13, 2007; Neither snow nor rain nor heat nor gloom of night stays these couriers from the swift completion of their appointed shitposting.

Tired Moritz posted:

Teenage boys are so dumb

I once tried to make a joke about using a mini wind tunnel in science class for blow jobs because I thought they involved blowing.

But enough about why I'm no longer a science teacher.

# ? Jun 24, 2020 05:27

BgRdMchne: Oct 31, 2011

# ? Jun 25, 2020 10:02

freeedr: Feb 21, 2005

BgRdMchne posted:

.

Hail the fallen

# ? Jun 25, 2020 13:12

isoprenaline: Jun 4, 2005; And there, till Christ call forth the dead,
In silence let him lie:
No need to waste the foolish tear,
Or heave the windy sigh:
The man had killed the thing he loved,
And so he had to die.

fish and chips and dip posted:

Found one in the wild

A �two way mirror� is a window, you loving genius.

# ? Jun 26, 2020 09:48

chitoryu12: Apr 24, 2014

https://twitter.com/katethegeminiii/status/1285818030493249536?s=21

# ? Jul 22, 2020 18:32

3D Megadoodoo: Nov 25, 2010

chitoryu12 posted:

https://twitter.com/katethegeminiii/status/1285818030493249536?s=21

A real cop would've murdered their niece over this. And then bragged about it on-line.

# ? Jul 22, 2020 19:27

Serperoth: Feb 21, 2013

3D Megadoodoo posted:

A real cop would've murdered their niece over this. And then bragged about it on-line.

His wife being experienced in fist fighting is realistic tho

# ? Jul 22, 2020 22:22

ZDar Fan: Oct 15, 2012

https://mobile.twitter.com/akfirefly76/status/1287029528733396992

# ? Jul 26, 2020 14:22

Air Skwirl: May 13, 2007; Neither snow nor rain nor heat nor gloom of night stays these couriers from the swift completion of their appointed shitposting.

That women is going to be posting on Estranged Parents of Adult Children message boards in 6-10 years.

# ? Jul 26, 2020 23:04

DorkusMalorkus: Aug 4, 2009; "That's not Latin!"

This is from a year ago but is on the front page of Imgur right now. Why do people lap up such obvious bullshit that isn't even particularly interesting.

# ? Jul 27, 2020 01:41

Splicer: Oct 16, 2006; from hell's heart I cast at thee
🧙🐀🧹🌙🪄🐸

DorkusMalorkus posted:

This is from a year ago but is on the front page of Imgur right now. Why do people lap up such obvious bullshit that isn't even particularly interesting.

Is Swedish, uses the word "chavs". Sounds legit. I also assume Sweden has some form of tenant or squatters rights that make this incredibly illegal.

# ? Jul 27, 2020 10:15

Atreiden: May 4, 2008

How generous to pay for College in Scandinavia, where it's free.

# ? Jul 27, 2020 13:54

Stack Machine: Mar 6, 2016; I can see through time!; Fun Shoe

I'm sure this is "meant" as a parable but at some point I'm sure it'll show up with "and that professor's name was Albert Einstein" tacked on to the end of it.

boomer facebook posted:

TEACHER FAILS ENTIRE CLASS: An economics professor at a local college made a statement that she had never failed a single student before, but had recently failed an entire class. That class had insisted that socialism worked and that no one would be poor and no one would be rich, a great equalizer.
The professor then said, "OK, we will have an experiment in this class on this plan". All grades will be averaged and everyone will receive the same grade so no one will fail and no one will receive an A.... (substituting grades for dollars - something closer to home and more readily understood by all).
After the first test, the grades were averaged and everyone got a B. The students who studied hard were upset and the students who studied little were happy. As the second test rolled around, the students who studied little had studied even less and the ones who studied hard decided they wanted a free ride too so they studied little.
The second test average was a D! No one was happy. When the 3rd test rolled around, the average was an F.
As the tests proceeded, the scores never increased as bickering, blame and name-calling all resulted in hard feelings and no one would study for the benefit of anyone else.
To their great surprise, ALL FAILED and the professor told them that socialism would also ultimately fail because when the reward is great, the effort to succeed is great, but when government takes all the reward away, no one will try or want to succeed.
These are possibly the 5 best sentences you'll ever read and all applicable to this experiment:
1. You cannot legislate the poor into prosperity by legislating the wealthy out of prosperity.
2. What one person receives without working for, another person must work for without receiving.
3. The government cannot give to anybody anything that the government does not first take from somebody else.
4. You cannot multiply wealth by dividing it!
5. When half of the people get the idea that they do not have to work because the other half is going to take care of them, and when the other half gets the idea that it does no good to work because somebody else is going to get what they work for, that is the beginning of the end of any nation.

# ? Jul 27, 2020 14:16

Danaru: Jun 5, 2012; 何 ??

Stack Machine posted:

I'm sure this is "meant" as a parable but at some point I'm sure it'll show up with "and that professor's name was Albert Einstein" tacked on to the end of it.

I'm too lazy but imagine I rewrote this except instead of getting redistributed to the whole class, everyone getting a D to an A got their grades redistributed to the teacher's kid, and everyone below D was murdered

# ? Jul 27, 2020 15:10

BalloonFish: Jun 30, 2013; Fun Shoe

Stack Machine posted:

I'm sure this is "meant" as a parable but at some point I'm sure it'll show up with "and that professor's name was Albert Einstein" tacked on to the end of it.

Just in case anyone comes across this in the wild and fancies rebuffing it:

How does this square with group assignments, which pretty much work on giving all the group a single grade based on their 'average' collective work?

Or, for that matter, any collaborative effort outside the world of school and college, such as most workplace activities and projects, team sports and a lot of hobbies?

The answer is that if the result - in the STDH example, a high class grade - is valued enough by those taking the class then individuals will still put in the effort for themselves. Studies of such group dynamics have shown that those sufficiently motivated and/or skilled will put in extra effort to compensate for those unable or unwilling to do so, either out of personal ambition or because they value the goal of the project in itself. If they do, they will not only compensate for the loafers but often try to motivate them or find some application for the 'loafers'' skills that wasn't previously being considered. Studies show that collaborative projects improve both attainment and productivity.

So if the STDH actually happened, it was because the class was deemed so worthless and uninteresting by the students that they didn't want to engage with it, or most of the students were selfish pricks. And that somehow the able students who were getting As were going to just let themselves fail even if it meant dragging the loafers with them. What would have happened if the 'experiment' had continued after the grades had bottomed out?

It also falls into the trap of assuming that 'socialism' means all attainment is forcibly averaged over the entire population. Which it doesn't.

# ? Jul 27, 2020 15:14

SneezeOfTheDecade: Feb 6, 2011; gettin' covid all
over your posts

quote:

1. You cannot legislate the poor into prosperity by legislating the wealthy out of prosperity.
2. What one person receives without working for, another person must work for without receiving.
3. The government cannot give to anybody anything that the government does not first take from somebody else.
4. You cannot multiply wealth by dividing it!
5. When half of the people get the idea that they do not have to work because the other half is going to take care of them, and when the other half gets the idea that it does no good to work because somebody else is going to get what they work for, that is the beginning of the end of any nation.

1. Why not?
2. Yes, that's true. Ask your CEO how much work he's done today for his multimillion-dollar salary.
3. So what?
4. Why not?
5. I don't know how to explain to you that you should care about other people.

quote:

TEACHER ONLY BARELY PASSES MOST OF CLASS - An economics professor at a local college made a statement that she had never given a grade below a C before, but recently she had failed or nearly failed most of her class. That class had insisted that capitalism worked and that hard work was the great equalizer.
The teacher then said, "Okay, we will have an experiment in this class on this plan." She secretly and randomly assigned numbers from 1 to 5 to each student, with fewer students assigned to each higher number - many were assigned 1, and very few were assigned 5.
After the first test, students noticed that their grades did not reflect how many answers they got right or how hard they had worked. Instead, with few exceptions, those who had been assigned a 1 failed the test; those who had a 2 got a D, and so on up to the 5s, who got an A. The exceptions were those who had not only scored 100% on the test but correctly answered an extra-credit question, and those students got a one-level grade increase (e.g. from a D to a C).
As the second test rolled around, those who had received an A decided that they didn't have to work, while those who had gotten lower grades realized that they had to work even harder just to increase their grade slightly. Nevertheless, the same grading was used for the second test.
Many of the students who had been assigned 1s kept working even harder just to try to get their grade to a D, while those at the top - who "knew the right people and had good connections" - coasted and refused to work, confident that they could get an A any time they wanted. Animosity between the students rose as those at the bottom of the list resented those at the top, even though they couldn't do anything about it.
At the end of the semester, most of the students in the class either had failing grades or a D average - not because of how hard they had worked, but simply because of the number assigned to them at the beginning of the semester. And those who had As had barely worked for their grades at all; they'd just let the good grades roll in and hadn't thought about the class much at all. Those who had worked hardest and learned the most in the class received the smallest grades, while those who had learned the least had the best grades.
Unsurprisingly, only the students who had received As still believed that capitalism worked for everybody.

# ? Jul 27, 2020 16:14

Edgar Allen Ho: Apr 3, 2017; by sebmojo

SneezeOfTheDecade posted:

2. Yes, that's true. Ask your CEO how much work he's done today for his multimillion-dollar salary.

They do, and it's always sixty-eighty hour work weeks, of which about ten-twenty are poo poo like conference calls and meetings and the rest is poo poo like "lunch" and "golf"

Which I guess, generously, if you want to be for example an oil CEO then probably a requirement of that IS to go do blow and hookers with other rich people in Dubai but like, work that ain't champ. Hell I'd do it for just a measly 100k a year, hire me shareholders.

# ? Jul 27, 2020 17:46

BalloonFish: Jun 30, 2013; Fun Shoe

Edgar Allen Ho posted:

They do, and it's always sixty-eighty hour work weeks, of which about ten-twenty are poo poo like conference calls and meetings and the rest is poo poo like "lunch" and "golf"

Obligatory posting of:

In which they include meals and 'working alone' and still have to pad it with a 'misc' section (for which personal exercise and errands count as work...) which is bigger than any of the others to get it over a 40-hour week.

# ? Jul 27, 2020 21:17

Yngwie Mangosteen: Aug 23, 2007

And label all their lunch breaks as �business meals� lmao.

# ? Jul 27, 2020 22:09

pseudorandom: Jun 16, 2010; Yam Slacker

Quora seems to be rich in answers that are filled with STDH :redflag:

quote:

Have you ever encountered a lawyer who was so good that you were lost for words?

Many years ago my car was vandalized by someone I knew and I had him charged. His lawyer came to my house and asked if he could ask me to clarify what had occurred and I naively agreed. In court during his examination he made a fool out of me using what I had told him and I lost. I was irate and told my father what a rat he was. My father was in the legal profession as a Special Examiner who took sworn statements from witnesses and he knew all the best lawyers and their expertise. He said that he had done exactly as he should have and I should respect him - not vilify him.

A few years later I found myself in big trouble with a serious driving offence and asked my father what to do. He said to retain that lawyer. When the case came up in court, there were 2 police officers to testify and my lawyer requested to the judge that one be excluded while the other testified. Sure enough, they sounded like they had rehearsed the whole chain of events that they said I had committed. The judge was exasperated and demanded that they bring their notebooks to him - from which they had been referring. He asked them both if all the scribbling in the margins was 'afterthoughts' so they could be sure to get a conviction! And why were they almost identical - even in format? He then said "case dismissed" and do not ever proceed similarly in his court in the future. I was delighted and amazed that my father was so astute and I felt sure that my lawyer was destined for fame and fortune. Well, he was in his twenties at that time and his name - Alan Eagleson. And soon after, as I'm sure you know, he WAS rich and famous. Also infamous!

quote:

As a lawyer, has a cop ever pulled you over and said something false about the law?

Not an attorney: I had a small fire in a fire pit in my yard. Minding my business and annoying no one but my Gladys Kravits neighbor.

Here come the police�.. I informed them I have a CHL and am armed. That�s the law in my state.

A sergeant and his trainee. �You have a fire and aren�t cooking anything� trainee cop

�I have read the ordinance and I don�t need to be cooking anything� me

�That�s not what the ordinance says!� Trainee�I know the law!!!�

�Son, hold on I have it printed out inside, let me get it. I have it highlighted so it�s easy to find�.

Sergeant stops this and asked me what that ordinance said.

�Celebration fires can last no longer than 3 hours and the fuel can be no higher than 5 feet tall, by the way this fire started at 9:15 and will be out long before 12:15 with that hose� me

Young trainee puffed his chest and actually undid the retention on his holster.

I asked the sergeant if there was an offense. Sergeant laughed and said no not at all.

�Sergeant his welcome has come and gone, I�d like him to leave� I pointed at the trainee.

Rookie began to get upset, Sergeant stopped him and told him to get in the car. He balked. Sergeant told him he had been trespassed off my property and he could get in the front seat or the sergeant would put him in the back seat.

Sergeant and I watched him sulk off to the car and the sergeant turned to leave. I asked the sergeant to stay and talk to me.

�I want to know why he undid the retention in his holster, I want to lodge a complaint.� Me

�I thought that clicking was him clicking an ink pen!?!?!� Said the sergeant.

�It was his holster.�

�Oh poo poo!� Said the sergeant �I need to go!�

The two of them sat in the car while the sergeant read him the riot act. The guy tried to argue his point only to be forcefully stopped by the sergeant.

The sergeant stopped by the following night and informed me that the probationary Officer was fired. He asked what I�d have done if he had unholstered the gun.

�Two rounds in the melon and surrendered to you immediately. �

# ? Jul 29, 2020 23:18

voiceless anal fricative: May 6, 2007

A friend of mine works at a bank and one of their team meetings recently required them to read that STDH story and discuss it. Like that was the purpose of the meeting.

# ? Jul 29, 2020 23:35

BrigadierSensible: Feb 16, 2012; I've got a pocket full of cheese🧀, and a garden full of trees🌴.

BalloonFish posted:

Obligatory posting of:

In which they include meals and 'working alone' and still have to pad it with a 'misc' section (for which personal exercise and errands count as work...) which is bigger than any of the others to get it over a 40-hour week.

18 hours of "meetings"

Which when you are a CEO, I would imagine consists of sitting at the end of a big table looking important in front of terrified subordinates, and yelling "increase synergy!" atthem for a bit, and then sleeping while your underlings do all the real work.

# ? Jul 30, 2020 04:34

jesus WEP: Oct 17, 2004

that�s half of them. the rest take place on a golf course

# ? Jul 30, 2020 10:31

EVG: Dec 17, 2005; If I Saw It, Here's How It Happened.

It's the stuff I'd LIKE to believe, but.... S just DH

Only registered members can see post attachments!

# ? Jul 30, 2020 14:31

chitoryu12: Apr 24, 2014

pseudorandom posted:

Quora seems to be rich in answers that are filled with STDH s

The only untrue part about that last one is the sergeant had the rookie fired for undoing the retention on his holster instead of immediately drawing his own gun and firing upon hearing the noise.

# ? Jul 30, 2020 19:40

EVG: Dec 17, 2005; If I Saw It, Here's How It Happened.

Another twee loving precocious child. It�s almost as bad as the �everything dies, even wolves, BUT NOT WORDS� one.

# ? Aug 4, 2020 12:13

Arivia: Mar 17, 2011

pseudorandom posted:

Quora seems to be rich in answers that are filled with STDH s

The Alan Eagleson thing is probably real since it's actually admitting to an incredible self-own: https://www.cbc.ca/archives/topic/the-rise-and-fall-of-alan-eagleson

# ? Aug 4, 2020 14:08

Yngwie Mangosteen: Aug 23, 2007

EVG posted:

Another twee loving precocious child. It�s almost as bad as the �everything dies, even wolves, BUT NOT WORDS� one.

That kid has a very poor understanding of astronomy and how stars are formed.

# ? Aug 5, 2020 14:31

Danaru: Jun 5, 2012; 何 ??

In countless millennia, a star will exist that was once the tattoo of the bee from Bee Movie sucking off the Stay Puft marshmallow man that's on my left rear end cheek

# ? Aug 5, 2020 22:05

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# ? May 11, 2024 18:05

CROWS EVERYWHERE: Dec 17, 2012; CAW CAW CAW; Dinosaur Gum

Danaru posted:

In countless millennia, a star will exist that was once the tattoo of the bee from Bee Movie sucking off the Stay Puft marshmallow man that's on my left rear end cheek

Whoa, tattoo twins! *rear end cheek high five*

# ? Aug 6, 2020 04:57

The Something Awful Forums > Main > Post Your Favorite: Carefully Curated > shit_that_didnt_happen.txt: I'm finding it very hard to immerse myself in the lie.

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