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Create ham and water. Combine it with heat ham.
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Aug 4, 2020 08:21
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Tunicate posted:just use the stats of Meatier Swarm 
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Aug 4, 2020 11:54
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Tunicate posted:just use the stats of Meatier Swarm I have a new favourite.
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Aug 4, 2020 15:39
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recently the party in the tabletop game I’m running visited town for the first time after spending the first couple sessions dungeon crawling. in last week's session, they started by checking out a shrine/temple/chapel on the outskirts of town. one of the party members, soni, gets a debuff from entering holy sites, so she and the party wizard trynsira went to go hang out by a pond, while the other party member lin went inside the chapel. when I was filling out the town, I'd decided that this place was just going to perpetually be hurting for cash and in total disrepair. the place was pretty run down on the inside, like the wood’s kind of splintering and the bronze idols and charms on the altar are tarnished. the priestess vivian was sweeping when she entered, and lin asked a couple questions about the shrine. vivian dropped a few casual hints that charity is a great way to feel closer to the divine and the shrine accepts any and all donations and gestured towards a wooden donations box in the corner lin is a thief. the mention of a possible source of ill-gotten money immediately overrode any sense of propriety or respect for the divine she might normally have and she started scheming about how to steal it. after thinking for a moment, she got vivian to look in the other direction and tried to lift up the box to carry it out. unfortunately she’s a halfling and not all that strong, so carrying a large wooden box out quickly was a difficult proposition. she dropped it, making a loud hollow noise. vivian wheeled around, realized what she was up to, and tried to whack her with the broom, but lin narrowly avoided her swings and fled to the pond where soni and trynsira were resting. there was a duck in the pond. soni named it archibald. trynsira admired the cattails and reeds and meditated on them to recover some magic power, as required by her magic school. suddenly, lin came barreling in, shouting about someone chasing her, and tripped and fell face first into the pond. archibald was nonplussed. soni and trynsira tried to get some more details out of her, but before long, vivan caught up and started shouting to them about how lin’s a thief. soni, being the trusting type, didn’t believe her, and bodyblocked vivan long enough for lin to escape back into the woods. intimidated by soni’s towering stature, vivian backed off and sulked back to the shrine, cursing the gang and shouting hollow threats as she left. after miraculously avoiding triggering a random encounter, lin returned to the party, and admitted she had tried to steal from the shrine. soni chided her about it and they resolved to return to the shrine and apologize. vivian was furious to see them again and demanded to know who they thought they were to come back onto her temple grounds. soni proclaimed there had been a misunderstanding and lin handed over some of her own gold coins to smooth things over. vivian’s eyes lit up, and her entire demeanor changed to her practiced shrine attendant persona. she politely thanked the party and offered them some other shrine services, such as fortune telling, or perhaps a blessing. she dropped the coins in the donations box. the hollow sound of metal hitting wood echoed through the chapel. it was empty the whole time. honestly I didn't expect lin's player to just start trying to steal random poo poo out of people's houses, especially not in broad daylight, with the person standing right there. after the session, she explained that vivian pushing for donations was what made her want to steal the box. it makes me wonder if she has way less experience with tabletop rpgs than I thought, like, the logic involved in that misadventure feels like something that would make a tad more sense if the world functioned like a video game instead. regardless, the rest of the group thought the way stuff played out was pretty entertaining, and the dramatic irony of the box being empty had me giggling like an idiot 
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Aug 5, 2020 03:26
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Thoughts from my most recent gaming session: It is really, really hard to have the players meet the BBEG early on without the campaign going sideways. While in the movies it is always fun to have the good guys come across the bad guys and then the bad guys get away after a car chase or some kind of gun battle, in RPGs (at least with my players) encountering the bad guy means that the players immediately go Murderhobo Match One and we have the climactic battle in the first session of the game. This also results in any attempt to have the bad guy get away result in a railroady feel. Thankfully, tonight the high speed chase in grav vehicles ended fortuitously enough when the PC driver critical failed, allowing the bad guy to get away somewhat, but he still had to evade the spy satellite coverage that the PC hacker had co-opted. I don't think the bad guy would have escaped had the driver not crit-failed on his own. So yeah, the cinematic trope doesn't work too well in RPGs.
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Aug 6, 2020 05:29
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Agrikk posted:So yeah, the cinematic trope doesn't work too well in RPGs. Sure it does. You just have to be upfront about it, and let people know it's the trope that's happening. Admittedly definitely a lot easier to sell to players if they're voluntarily playing a genre-focused narrative style game, but I haven't had too much of an issue in saying, "This is the bit where the bad guy gets away and swears revenge," and my players lean into it.
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Aug 6, 2020 06:03
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Take the Final Fantasy approach and when they think they've won because they stopped the BBEG, reveal the presence of a Bigger BBEG who was actually puppetmastering the first guy. Or just have the guy they caught be a red herring, some imposter or body double who was just hired to make public appearances for the REAL Chaz Baddington.
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Aug 6, 2020 13:09
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This puts me in mind of With Great Power and its story arc system, which mechanically tilts the odds far in the GMs direction at the beginning of a new arc so that this sort of encounter works as designed.
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Aug 6, 2020 15:20
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Cartoon posted:Bacon of Hope. Tunicate posted:just use the stats of Meatier Swarm 
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Aug 6, 2020 16:28
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the_steve posted:Take the Final Fantasy approach and when they think they've won because they stopped the BBEG, reveal the presence of a Bigger BBEG who was actually puppetmastering the first guy. In the past, I've done well with the trope wherein the Big Bad Guy is so respected and admired that killing him before he's ruined his reputation will cause more problems than it starts. There are plenty of real-life people that the world would be better off without, but who are in positions of political power and/or have led such a brilliant media misdirection campaign that people would be appalled at them being harmed even though they are secretly doing terrible harm. Keep in mind that in any society, killing someone without a very good reason is going to be against the law and the authorities aren't going to just hand wave it. The players may know that the king is really a hell-bent evil shapeshifter, but they have the prove it or it's regicide. Sarevok in Baldur's Gate I, after all, is regarded by the people as a hero until the PCs find a way to discredit him publicly and force him to go underground, quite literally, so that they can force a decisive fight.
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Aug 7, 2020 01:04
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Porkmatic Spray / Porkmatic Wall.
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Aug 7, 2020 13:36
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CobiWann posted:Porkmatic Spray / Porkmatic Wall. 1. Ham 2. Bacon 3. Chops 4. Boston Butt 5. Fatback 6. Salt Pork 7. Suckling 8. Roll twice How would you go about breaking down a Porkmatic Wall? e. Besides eating it, obvs. MelvinBison fucked around with this message at 13:49 on Aug 7, 2020 |
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Aug 7, 2020 13:47
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MelvinBison posted:How would you go about breaking down a Porkmatic Wall? Moonbean?
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Aug 7, 2020 14:17
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MelvinBison posted:How would you go about breaking down a Porkmatic Wall?
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Aug 7, 2020 16:59
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Yawgmoth posted:Pineapple. That only destroys pizza.
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Aug 7, 2020 21:08
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Preechr posted:That only destroys pizza.
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Aug 7, 2020 21:49
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MelvinBison posted:How would you go about breaking down a Porkmatic Wall? Wall of smoke.
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Aug 7, 2020 22:01
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MelvinBison posted:How would you go about breaking down a Porkmatic Wall? Flesh to stone, transmute rock to mud. Simple. Messy but simple.
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Aug 8, 2020 15:57
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Unleash its prime element on the Porkmatic Wall.. Let a herd of pigs eat it.
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Aug 8, 2020 16:48
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Sage Grimm posted:Unleash its prime element on the Porkmatic Wall..
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Aug 8, 2020 17:24
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How many castings of Summon Porcine Ally is that?
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Aug 8, 2020 18:51
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Sage Grimm posted:prime element quasi-elemental plane of ham send post Doc Hawkins fucked around with this message at 19:47 on Aug 8, 2020 |
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Aug 8, 2020 19:39
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clusterfuck posted:Flesh to Ham Fully delitized and loving it
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Aug 8, 2020 19:50
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Doc Hawkins posted:quasi-elemental plane of ham send post What would be the other quasi-elemental deli meat planes then? Salami and...?
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Aug 8, 2020 20:43
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CobiWann posted:What would be the other quasi-elemental deli meat planes then? Salami and...? Oh and corned beef.
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Aug 8, 2020 20:43
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Agrikk posted:Flesh to stone, transmute rock to mud. You're right, its a lot easier to eat your way through a pile of mud, you don't even need to chew
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Aug 8, 2020 22:14
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clusterfuck posted:Flesh to Ham
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Aug 8, 2020 22:28
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Why bring magic into it? Transmutation of this nature is pure alchamestry!
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Aug 8, 2020 23:34
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MelvinBison posted:Oh and corned beef. There must be the perfect conflux between the planes of corned beef, thousand island, rye, sauerkraut, and swiss cheese.
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Aug 9, 2020 08:56
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The Plane of Rye actually collapsed ages ago due to a cataclysmic war between the three ruling factions: Seeded, Unseeded, and Marble.
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Aug 9, 2020 13:37
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MelvinBison posted:The Plane of Rye actually collapsed ages ago due to a cataclysmic war between the three ruling factions: Seeded, Unseeded, and Marble. Such a shame. Its Seven Seas were a wonder of the multiverse.
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Aug 9, 2020 17:08
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Lemniscate Blue posted:Such a shame. Its Seven Seas were a wonder of the multiverse. The ham derail was worth it for this.
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Aug 9, 2020 17:17
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Phy posted:Fully delitized and loving it God drat you.
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Aug 9, 2020 18:47
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Bieeanshee posted:God drat you.
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Aug 9, 2020 18:49
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Lemniscate Blue posted:Such a shame. Its Seven Seas were a wonder of the multiverse. 
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Aug 9, 2020 21:03
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Phy posted:Fully delitized and loving it New option for imprisonment.
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Aug 11, 2020 05:55
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The meanest thing someone has ever said to me in an RPG: I was playing a paraplegic hacker teen. We had found virtual avatars that allowed us to have new holographic selves, which meant fully functioning bodies. Five minutes into this amazing experience, I was teasing the Bully about his old man, because we had an antagonistic relationship. He told me, “If you make fun of my dad again I’m gonna put you back in a wheelchair.” Golden Bee fucked around with this message at 04:19 on Aug 15, 2023 |
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Aug 11, 2020 17:11
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Golden Bee posted:The meanest thing someone has ever said to me in an RPG: drat. That is a pretty solid threat though, gotta give them credit for that.
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Aug 11, 2020 17:39
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A Midnight Rendezvous (part I) That next night we find ourselves outside a deluxe suite on the top floor of the Green Goblin. A knock opens the door and we are greeted by a grim and somber half-orc of advanced age. From behind within the suite a musical voice calls out, “Who is it, Kelgorn?” Kelgorn croaks, “visitors, M’lady. Humans. Scary looking humans.” “Ahah,” says the voice. “Do let them in.” Kelgorn steps aside and ushers us into a parlor stacked floor to ceiling with bookshelves. Lashonna is sitting at a table reading a book, wrapped in a gold-trimmed gown that is cut to accentuate her near-perfect figure. She smiles and tucks a bookmark into her book and sets it aside. “You won’t be needed anymore, Kelgorn. I'm sure I'll be quite well attended to, with such pleasing guests to keep me company. Good night." The half-orc withdraws with a stiff bow into the hallway outside as Lashonna gestures to the chairs before her desk. Ospar, Snakeyes, Severance and I take our seats as she apologizes for meeting us at this late hour. “But I trust that the information I have to share will be of great value to you.” Ever the burgeoning diplomat, Severance shifts forward in his chair and says, “I’m sure it is important or you wouldn’t have summoned us here tonight” while Markennon puts on his winningest smile and says, “Of course, M’lady. If curiosity wasn’t enough, simple good manners demands our presence.” Snakeeyes just walks over to a window, opens it and begins to pack a bowl of krrf. “Where do I start?” she says indicating the book on the table. “As Prince Zeech may have told you, I am a devout Hextorite and am grateful for all you have done to crush the abomination calling itself the Temple of the Triple Aspect but they are not the only players in town.” “As you must know, the Daughter of the Night stirs in her prison, and myriad forces gather to release her. The Deceivers stalk the streets. Loris Raknian’s betrayal of the City and his release of the ulgurstasta flooded the streets with unlife. The Archmages’ siege on the Overlord grows more brazen and intense.” “Against these forces stand the Church of Hextor, the extortionists and assassins of the Legitimate Businessmen’s Club, and you, my brave band of sanitation workers,” she says without a hint of irony. And pauses. “And me, if you’ll allow me.” “Why you?” says Ospar, the practical one, looking over her expensive gown and silk shoes. “I believe that one should stay in tune with the past. It often helps prepare for the future.” She gestures to the books around her. “I have spent decades researching this matter and have researched the story of the Daughter of the Night since Pesh and I understand its end game. Would you like to hear this story?” For what purpose Pazuzu had a human child with Natasha the Dark, none but he can say. Nor can sages say where the Daughter spent the first years of her life. Perhaps he took her to his realm in the Abyss to be raised among the chaos there. What is known is that at some point in her early life Pazuzu brought her to Avernus, perhaps seeking more devils to corrupt for his armies, but at some point she was introduced to Tiamat and one of her consorts, the red dragon Dragotha. Dragotha the Magnificent fell under the influence of Pazuzu’s charms, believing the Daughter to be the Harbinger of the Age of Chaos, a time predicted by seers of old in which the aeons-old war between demons and devils finally ends with the denizens of the Abyss triumphant. Dragotha and Pazuzu begin her tutelage but Tiamat grows angry at his perceived betrayal and slays him. Distraught, the Daughter brings Dragotha back as a dragon lich and he thus professes his undying loyalty to the Daughter. Several short years later, Miska the Wolf Spider and his army were defeated at the Battle of Pesh with the shattering of the Rod of Law. But the Wind Dukes had more than one goal in mind for victory: While the Wind Dukes sacrifice a great deal of their power to destroy the demon army, much of their power is spent laying an ambush for Pazuzu and his Daughter, driving him off and capturing her, imprisoning her in an earthnode called Fowlsfield. They also manage to steal Dragotha’s phylactery, hiding it carefully with primordial magic- removing it from thought, history and sight. But Dragotha prevented the Wind Duke victory from being complete. As the demon army disintegrated around him and Miska’s physical form slain on the battlefield and spirit imprisoned, his counter-assault slew the Wind Duke guardians and made off with the black granite portal that was the Wind Duke portal to Fowlsfield. So now he hides, protecting the portal to her freedom even as his minions search for his phylactery. Lashonna pauses and stands, picturesque, by a black window, hands clasped in front of her. “But after 1500 years, Dragotha stirs. Why now? What has changed?” "It seems that Dragotha intends to release the Daughter from her prison, and in so doing, usher in the Age of Chaos. So the riposte seems obvious. A Queen without her commander is powerless. It's taken Dragotha nearly 1,500 years to reach this point and removing him now will certainly cause centuries to pass before anything has a chance to release the Daughter again. "Of course, one cannot simply waltz into a lich's lair, kill it, and be done with it. Dragotha may not know where his phylactery is, but that doesn't mean it's useless to him. Destroying him before you destroy his phylactery is as good as finding it and handing it over to him so your first order of business should be to find his pretty phylactery and destroy it. And that's where it gets complicated. I have no idea where it may be hidden. Obviously, neither does Dragotha, and that's a good thing. Certainly, his doubt to its location is the main reason he hasn't tried to simply destroy himself as a desperate way to discover its location. "Dragotha and his disappearance have become something of a minor obsession of mine, I must confess. I've spent the last sixteen years, on and off, studying the lore of Natasha and her daughters, of Dragotha, and associated matters. And while I haven't managed to determine where Dragotha's phylactery is hidden, I do believe I know where that information might be found.” Agrikk fucked around with this message at 19:14 on Nov 15, 2020 |
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Aug 12, 2020 05:21
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A Midnight Rendezvous (part II) Lashonna continues. She gestures to her library. "As can be found in these works, the Age of Chaos was stopped fifteen centuries ago by the Order of the Storm. Historians believe that the Order died out not long after this victory, hunted down and destroyed by Puvuvu and the Queen of Chaos. These records are incorrect. The Order instead retreated to their stronghold on a remote island in the Sea of Storms called Tilagos. "On this island there is a library of sorts, a repository of the Order's lore. It has been sought for centuries by wizards, scholars, and explorers, for it is said to be filled with hundreds of years of history, memories, dreams, and of course secrets. Secrets are so valuable aren't they, my darlings? Seems the longer they are kept, the more they're worth. If a written account of the secret of what happened to Dragotha's phylactery exists, it must certainly be there. "Of course, there are complications, there always are, right? Before they built this library, the Order of the Storm drove a lasting bargain with primal elemental forces. They sacrificed their lives to tear the island's interior off the Prime Plane. In its place is a barren rock surrounded by an ever-raging storm of such intensity that ships that approach within ten miles are irretrievably lost. The island itself appears on no maps, but the stories hint that the druids left a way for those In need to reach their secrets while at the same time hiding the place away from the prying eyes of the Daughter's undead and demonic minions. "Worse, I'm afraid others have learned this as well, in part as an unfortunate result of my own research I have a fair amount of competition in the arena of gathering and keeping secrets, and invariably word gets out that I've made a discovery. My enemies are always quick to nip at my heels. I speak in particular of a simpering dog of a man named Hesken who once served me. I'm afraid Hesken has been wooed from my side with promises of wealth and power, and has taken word of this discovery to a disreputable man indeed, a powerful sorcerer-priest of Vecna named Darl Quethos. “Shall we have a look at Hesken’s whereabouts?” Without waiting for a response, she gracefully rises from her chair and glides to a writing desk in the corner. She retrieves a scroll tube from a drawer, opens it and begins a singsong chant as she reads off its contents. A tumultuous scene fades into view in the middle of the room for all to observe, along with the howling sound of an oceanic tempest. The image dears to show a deathly pale man lashed to a ship's mast with several coils of rope. Although details beyond a ten foot radius around Hesken are hazy and unclear, it is obvious that the ship is caught in a tremendous storm-the decks are awash in foamy water as both waves and driving sheets of rain torment the terrified man. Sounds of gruff sailors shouting commands and curses in orcish can be heard under the raging tumult of the storm, and now and then, frantic orc sailors move quickly into view and then back into obscurity as they busy themselves at securing the ship. At one point, two lithe and cloaked figures drop to the deck from the rigging on either side of Hesken. They are identically dressed in tightly wrapped silken scarves, small devilish horns sprouting from their heads. They give a nod to a giant of a man, with a grossly muscled physique and the head of a bull. The cloaked figures spare condescending glances at Hesken, their eyes glowing faintly with infernal fire before they move out of sight toward the ship's unseen bow. Soon thereafter, a blazing red-skinned humanoid with an immense, bulging frame stands almost casually through the scene. The rain sizzles into steam as it strikes his burning skin. As he reaches Hesken, he looks down at the man and then looks toward the bow, crying out, "Darl! It looks like your pet might be taking on water!" With that, the creature explodes into a tremendous belly laugh. A few moments later, another two figures step into view. The smaller of the two is a shifty-eyed humanoid bird who wears a hooded cloak and carries a repeating crossbow. The other is a towering man clothed in flowing blue robes trimmed with eye designs. His cowl protects his face from the wind and his hands are obscured by long, rain-soaked sleeves. He squats before Hesken and speaks to him in a low voice. "Only a few hours more, Hesken, and we shall see if you live or die." Suddenly, the blue-robed man's head whirls around to look directly into the scrying sensor. His face is pale but commanding and twists into a snarl as he stands. "It seems we have guests, my friends," he says. "Perhaps allies of this cur?" He turns back to the bound man and as he does he pulls back his left sleeve revealing a rotten, black-nailed appendage that seems to writhe and twitch with its own life. "We can't have your friends watching us, so it seems your journey comes to an early end, Hesken!" The putrid hand unfurls and reaches out to caress Hesken's brow. Hesken shrieks in mortal pain as the fingertip freezes the skin it touches into an angry black scar. The blue-robed man then makes a fist and utters a single unintelligible word. As he utters the word, Hesken's eyes bulge, the cords in his neck throb, and he slumps against his bonds, dead. The scrying link is broken, and the vision fades from view. “That wasn’t very nice,” says Markennon dryly. “Darl Quethos is not a nice man.” Lashonna says unsteadily. “He has recovered and joined with the Hand of Vecna. He was ruthless and depraved before becoming the Holder of the Hand, I cannot imagine what he will do and what he is after now.” “Secrets,” Severance murmurs. “Vecna do be a shadow o’ shadow an’ ‘is follow’rs are a’ horrible a’ he is. I wond’r wha’s on Tilagos for ‘im.” “Whatever it is, he will find it there if he gets there first.” Lashonna sits down with a map and unrolls it on a table. She gestures to the southwestern peninsula of these lands and indicates a swirling whirlpool drawn on the edge of the map. “In this storm you must go. Catch Quethos and unlock the secrets of Tilagos Island and find this library before he does. Use it to locate Dragotha’s phylactery. Destroy it, and him. Save the world.” Snakeeyes smirks. Severance rises as if dismissed. Ospar remains seated but murmurs, “Secrets.” Lashonna turns to him. “Hmmmm…?” Ospar says, “Secrets. A creature such as you must have plenty of secrets.” She smiles a devastating smile, “Why whatever do you mean?” “I am intimately familiar with ‘evil’ and my friend here,” he gestures to me, “has given me plenty of opportunity to spot unlife in its many forms. So yes, secrets.” Lashonna is perfectly still. Not human standing still, still. Statue carved from granite still. “What I am should not matter. I’ve spent years getting where I am, and I am not about to see it all washed away by Dragotha, and neither should you. Take care of Dragotha, and if you feel like I have led you astray at any point you know where to find me, Ospar.” She draws herself up to her full height and becomes beautiful and terrible to behold, but the moment passes and she is a fair elf maiden once again. “Do this deed. I have not led you astray.”
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Aug 12, 2020 17:28
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