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Josherino)
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Part of me regrets opening myself up to loving someone because it hurts so much to lose them. I know that eventually one day I'll just look back on the good times and it won't be so hard but right now it feels like I brought this pain on myself for loving someone. I wonder how long it will take me to open up to someone again, or if i ever will.
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Sep 3, 2020 22:35
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| # ? May 26, 2024 00:15 |
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speaking of extreme feelings of isolation in the midst of a pandemic. incoming wall of text i moved to my city to be closer to what remained of my social group. my gf at the time (who made like 50% more than i did) gave me an ultimatum saying if i didn't cosign for an apartment i couldn't afford then she'd break up with me. we'd been together for seven years and lived together for five at that point so i was scared and caved. i used what little i was able to save living in the city for the deposit and some furniture. two months into the lease she moves out everything while i'm at work. she told every person that i moved to the city to be close to that i was extremely abusive to her. she stole my laptop, threw out my essential documents while i was interviewing for jobs (passport, ss card, copies of my birth certificate), and blocked all forms of contact with me. i had no savings and could not afford the apartment i was in so i had to take out a loan and find an emergency fallback apartment while the property manager quickly filled the vacancy to break the lease. i had no support network outside of my therapist because all but one person unquestionably believed her and shunned me. one ex-friend even went as far to tell me that i deserved everything that happened to me and said "better luck next time" and linked me some metafilter thread file bullshit on emotional labor. the worst is that i can't even fault people for being extremely skeptical of me in this situation, because nobody flat-out abandons a relationship that abruptly unless they're undoubtedly subject to abuse and feel their life is in danger. at the same time, i knew these people and had regular contact with them for nearly a decade the two year landmark of this is coming up and i still have extreme traumatic thoughts, nonstop anxiety, and spiral into panic attacks from the flashbacks from that day. i like to think i'm gaining my life and mind back incrementally but truthfully i don't think any amount of healing will ever make me feel normal again. i lost my humanity and my emotions are like when a bomb goes off in a movie and everything goes muted. i kind of shuffle everywhere like a robot because i am so scared of my own shadow because of how my seven year partner and my now nonexistent social network think of whatever i am unsure that i did. even if can tell myself that i'm kind and compassionate and a victim of abuse myself, what's left of my emotions probably will never agree with it. ...which brings me to 2020. lost my job on April Fools Day due to covid tanking my industry (travel verticals, rev down 97% month-over-month). best job i think i'll ever have. i don't have the emotional incentive to leave the house outside of errands because even walks in the sunshine by the beach don't really do anything for me. my remaining two friends work in industries where they can't risk exposure so i haven't had physical human contact more than a handful of times in months. the most verbal social interaction i get is with my therapist twice a week and all other interactions are over group chats with online friends. coupled with the political climate, it's a really rough year good things though: - typing this out from my head helps a lot - my apartment is great and makes me feel safe - my boss taught me a ton, gave me a glowing letter of rec, and all my stakeholders jumped in front of each other to be my references - i've been learning a lot about myself through therapy so i don't fall into poor relationship and interpersonal traps ever again - it's calming to have validation from a therapist that i don't have any signs of behavior that would ever justify what happened to me the biggest thing i've learned about myself is that progress isn't linear and it's okay to bounce around sometimes. one day i hope i can accept that people care for me and more importantly that i can show compassion toward myself. anyway thanks for reading
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Sep 3, 2020 22:44
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uber_stoat posted:i have been without any kind significant close relationship with anyone for so long, I think I might actually just drop dead if i developed one now. i wouldn't know what to do with myself. like if you tried to feed a pepperoni pizza to a starving child. system can't take it. sprinkle in occasional bouts of loneliness/h*rny and this is about where i am at.
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Sep 3, 2020 22:50
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Dixville posted:Part of me regrets opening myself up to loving someone because it hurts so much to lose them. I know that eventually one day I'll just look back on the good times and it won't be so hard but right now it feels like I brought this pain on myself for loving someone. I wonder how long it will take me to open up to someone again, or if i ever will. and just wait for that first smug “you know what they say, better to have loved and lost...!” 
Crusty Nutsack has issued a correction as of 16:20 on Sep 29, 2021 |
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Sep 3, 2020 23:27
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Crusty Nutsack posted:
THERE'S PLENTY O FISH IN THE SEA Somebody has issued a correction as of 16:20 on Sep 29, 2021 |
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Sep 3, 2020 23:30
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Xaris posted:THERE'S PLENTY O FISH IN THE SEA if someone were stupid enough to say that to me they would get punched and/or kneed in the nuts
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Sep 3, 2020 23:34
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uber_stoat posted:the thing that bothers me most about being alone is just how much it doesn't bother me. if I actually felt lonely i might take action to change things.  I don't know if this is good or bad for myself but I'm way to comfortable with it now
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Sep 4, 2020 02:36
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Can stress trigger visual hallucinations? Asking for a me.
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Sep 5, 2020 01:47
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I'm objectively doing okay, but my Mom is really not doing good and it's freaking me out. She hasn't been talkative these last couple years due to neurodegerative poo poo, but the last couple days she's been almost totally nonverbal. She's also much worse physically, she went from walking slowly but safely to being super hunched over and having two falls in as many days. She's had up and down cycles before, but this seems like a particularly harsh down - or maybe it's just panic on my part, how would I even know? We're insanely lucky that her doctor takes calls on the weekend, but just waiting an hour for him to call us back has left me a nervous, nauseous wreck. Crusty Nutsack posted:if someone were stupid enough to say that to me they would get punched and/or kneed in the nuts The correct and appropriate response. Astrofig posted:Can stress trigger visual hallucinations? Asking for a me. Speaking as someone with panic disorder, stress can do whatever the gently caress it wants to your perception of reality. Don't let yourself catastrophize over it and just add to your stress, because that's what I would do and I'm a moron. Don't be like me! Random Asshole has issued a correction as of 19:43 on Sep 5, 2020 |
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Sep 5, 2020 19:40
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Lurkers, how are you doing?
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Sep 7, 2020 16:14
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Irritable, sleep-deprived, completely incapable of sustained focus, and I constantly feel a strange sense of distance from world events and my own life. I've been on antidepressants and Adderall before and know they work, though, it's just a question of sorting out my insurance now that I'm in a different state, and going through the whole song and dance again.
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Sep 7, 2020 19:50
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I didn't eat for almost 2 days straight. Been having a complete breakdown, but otherwise fine.
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Sep 7, 2020 20:23
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Tuxedo Catfish posted:Irritable, sleep-deprived, completely incapable of sustained focus, and I constantly feel a strange sense of distance from world events and my own life. This is pretty much me too, I'm just at the pre-diagnosis stage of likely ADHD. Covid hasn't exactly sped up the process of getting assessed
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Sep 7, 2020 23:40
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I'm so tired
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Sep 8, 2020 04:25
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uber_stoat posted:i have been without any kind significant close relationship with anyone for so long, I think I might actually just drop dead if i developed one now. i wouldn't know what to do with myself. like if you tried to feed a pepperoni pizza to a starving child. system can't take it. I thought I was getting better and in some ways I am but everything seems pointless
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Sep 8, 2020 06:14
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I'm probably gonna die because I'm losing my healthcare and my health is failing and I cant work and america and my family dont give a gently caress if I live or die but its cool its cool. I don't want to die, and I don't understand anything about anything, even if I think I do, and I have hopes and dreams still, but you know, Ill be thankful for mercy if it comes my way. i love u psycho cspam!
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Sep 8, 2020 09:29
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aaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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Sep 8, 2020 09:41
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Tarnop posted:This is pretty much me too, I'm just at the pre-diagnosis stage of likely ADHD. Covid hasn't exactly sped up the process of getting assessed Hi it's me. Funny how you look back on childhood stuff in a different way after considering the possibility.
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Sep 8, 2020 11:52
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Zeriel posted:I'm so tired have you also run the gammit of every interval of sleep from 4hrs to 12hrs and come to the conclusion that "a good night's sleep" is a myth created by mattress and pillow companies to keep you Trying and Buying? e: also dropping by to let the MH thread know that I love my job. I feel a deep, rewarding sense of purpose and that my time-honed skills are being both well-utilized and appreciated. Blink, blink. Lib and let die has issued a correction as of 14:46 on Sep 8, 2020 |
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Sep 8, 2020 14:43
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Oolb posted:aaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Me too. My voice was failing yesterday due to all the screaming the day before.
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Sep 8, 2020 15:39
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mental health thread mascot https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZpZL90C7s8w
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Sep 8, 2020 15:52
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uber_stoat posted:mental health thread mascot  This is also an option: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tRsfOGJ5lZg
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Sep 8, 2020 16:06
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that uncontrollable laughter at the precise moment that the dam cracks is one of the most liberating feelings ever imo probably because it's preceded by a whole bunch of intentionally not feeling anything
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Sep 8, 2020 16:26
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I'm having another "The world is doomed, so what's the point" day. How the hell do you deal with this?
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Sep 8, 2020 19:06
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My method is to hang on and ride it out. After decades of this I have some faith that I will reach the other side of it.
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Sep 8, 2020 19:19
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Dick Trauma posted:My method is to hang on and ride it out. After decades of this I have some faith that I will reach the other side of it. That's what I am doing but is this just going to be the rest of my life? Moments of terror between utter boredom until the collapse comes and then I die horribly?
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Sep 8, 2020 19:21
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You do not necessarily have to die horribly! 
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Sep 8, 2020 19:23
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"pessimism of the intellect, optimism of the will." (an approach that is easier said than done!)
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Sep 8, 2020 19:29
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uber_stoat posted:"pessimism of the intellect, optimism of the will." God I wish I could do that. But it's so loving hard. And the worst part is that I see people around me so loving happy. I have a co-worker who is always laughing. Even at stuff that isn't funny. He says horribly sexist things and even women find it amusing. I am considerate, I am polite and people ignore me. Either because I look sad, or because I avoid talking when I have nothing to say, or because I fade into the background. Every friend I ever had came to me. And now they have all gone their separate ways. How can I be normal? I feel like the only way I can be like them is willingly ignore the pandemic, the depression, the world's descent to fascism, the climate crisis, everything. How do I do that?
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Sep 8, 2020 19:34
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AceOfFlames posted:God I wish I could do that. But it's so loving hard. I mean, I know how it can feel like that, watching how people act all the time, but even the popular ones are deeply troubled right now. Every time I eavesdrop on a conversation out in public, it's about COVID. Online, even in spaces like Facebook where it's all supposedly family-friendly sanitized fun, there's this deep yearning for a soma, for a "boring news cycle," for a way to look away from burning cities and masks on peoples' faces and a guy who makes everyone mad as president. Your coworker, I can tell you now, is deeply unhappy, is forcing laughter into every situation, is deliberately steering himself towards attention-getting jokes because he feels a deep tension in the world, a tension he fights back against with his own brand of inappropriateness. You are the normal. Most people don't know how to handle this. It's a uniquely challenging time. Be gracious to yourself.
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Sep 8, 2020 21:03
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For me it's not so much ignoring problems as much as not feeling the need to respond to them every minute of the day, especially the ones I can't do anything about. Sometimes I have to give myself permission to NOT think about something because I know the alternative is to feel terrible. I also can't judge myself against all the lovely people I encounter. I don't expect them to ever be held accountable, I don't require that there be any justice in this world. My goal is to make it to the finish line having caused as little pain and trouble to other people as possible. Ideally when I'm gone no one will even notice.
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Sep 8, 2020 21:15
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Oolb posted:I'm probably gonna die because I'm losing my healthcare and my health is failing and I cant work and america and my family dont give a gently caress if I live or die but its cool its cool. I don't want to die, and I don't understand anything about anything, even if I think I do, and I have hopes and dreams still, but you know, Ill be thankful for mercy if it comes my way. i love u psycho cspam! Consider applying for some Goonbucks, you deserve it. https://forums.somethingawful.com/showthread.php?threadid=3903318
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Sep 8, 2020 23:24
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accept that everything will get worse and everyone will die along with the earth and u can only be pleasantly surprised! this is my personal life hack
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Sep 9, 2020 09:04
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uber_stoat posted:i have been without any kind significant close relationship with anyone for so long, I think I might actually just drop dead if i developed one now. i wouldn't know what to do with myself. like if you tried to feed a pepperoni pizza to a starving child. system can't take it. Extremely same. I had plenty of opportunities over a long period of time but I just kept shrinking back more and more. And now here I am, mission accomplished, everyone finally left me alone. I'm so fuckin tired, man. E: wow it turns out all I needed to do was take a short walk outside and then do some exercise, I'm completely cured wow what a result redgubbinz has issued a correction as of 17:15 on Sep 9, 2020 |
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Sep 9, 2020 17:02
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I honestly don't know if I'd even recognize that someone was into me. It has literally never happened.
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Sep 9, 2020 17:08
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I did experience that once, and it was strange. I tried to be cool about it though and give her room to express it even though it was difficult for me to believe.
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Sep 9, 2020 17:18
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Zeriel posted:I'm so tired
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Sep 9, 2020 20:11
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Okay so I've had a series of auditory/visual hallucinations over the last month which I'm not sure if they are stress related; two different instances of seeing spiders that weren't there, a conversation in another room that wasnt actually happening, and then thinking one of my kids was trapped in the garage while I was WFH and heard them yelling from inside it...but they were just chilling on the couch. Any goon advice before I call the doctor?
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Sep 10, 2020 01:10
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Carbon Monoxide detector?
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Sep 10, 2020 01:54
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| # ? May 26, 2024 00:15 |
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Banana Man posted:Okay so I've had a series of auditory/visual hallucinations over the last month which I'm not sure if they are stress related; two different instances of seeing spiders that weren't there, a conversation in another room that wasnt actually happening, and then thinking one of my kids was trapped in the garage while I was WFH and heard them yelling from inside it...but they were just chilling on the couch.
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Sep 10, 2020 02:32
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