(Thread IKs:
Josherino)
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quote:Perhaps it is unusual for so many words to be written, political theory instead of a memorial narrative, for a message honoring a martyr of the revolution. I kept comrade Michael Forest Reinoehl firmly in my mind with every word I wrote down in this text. This text is not an act of revenge. I still haven’t paid a penny of my debt. I have only determined it. Our revenge will go all the way. breadnsucc has issued a correction as of 19:44 on Aug 21, 2021 |
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Nov 28, 2020 04:50
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A lot of people would think that by my posting lately I'm having a massive episode. And... nah, just same as it ever was. Now, I do usually just... shut up about politics. I know nobody really wants to hear the depressing insights I have, and the same applies in C-SPAM. But boy loving howdy are people constantly inventing (frequently ableist) reasons why they're Better than this substantial chunk of population, that the Bad People exhibit cognitive biases the Good People don't have, and holy poo poo it's 2020 how are you this blind. Wait, I know exactly why you're this blind. The patterns follows that I also have my cognitive blind spots and am being lovely to some people without even intending to, and I'll just never know until confronted by it, and when confronted by it I'll defend myself by saying I never thought about the people whose problems I'm using as a cudgel in order to try to win an argument that doesn't matter. Because even if I'm right (and that's a big if) me winning the argument doesn't actually improve things for anyone. And that Actually the people offended by me being just wildly lovely to groups of people I don't even think about need to grow a thicker skin because it's Not About Them and that the people I'm being a dick toward are such a small group they don't matter. Actually, I know I've done that a bunch of times already. Man I was lovely. And if I start believing I'm not capable of being lovely I'll just fall down that hole with gleeful abandon. Instead of recognizing we all grew up in the same global society, we all have the same pitfalls and that the Bad People are by and large the exact same kind of people just given a different environment to grow in and sometimes worse values espoused by the people they trust. I'm broken for being able to recognize the people around me hold horrible lovely opinions even when they appear to be on the right side. I'm broken because I know that without constant vigilance I'll fall into that myself. Which, yes, true. It's a whole lot easier to just go with your first thought and then expect the people around you to correct you, which is what humans default to doing with a lot of evidence to back that one up. The problem there being that it assumes both that the people around you hold the right opinions - and they literally never do - and that you'll listen and understand what they're trying to say - which I literally never do. That latter one might just be my problems. Or it could just as well not. And then when I bring this poo poo up by using personal experiences to demonstrate the problem I'm being E/N and actually I'm just such a rare exception that I don't matter. I know just how good it feels to have figured something out instead of just going "well I have no answers". I just wanna be normal, man, and therefore call all the people who don't see what I see as "not normal" and stop thinking about it. Stop questioning how they arrived at the conclusions they did, and instead just label them as "bad". And that does have an effect on my mental health, and not a great one. My trust in empathy is shattered and I picked up the pieces and put them in the trash, because there's just no explaining to someone how it feels to no longer be able to trust your own body or your own mind. The "mind" is the important bit. I don't know empathy is bullshit because people have treated me like poo poo because of my disability. I know it's bullshit because I thought I understood people until my realization I can't trust what I think revealed to me just how lovely I had been all along. Yeah, I sure had reasons. I had a lot of reasons. I was always the one picked on, the underdog, and that's why it was ok for me to be lovely because I was fighting people worse than me. Funny how that works. I'm still as stuck in that cycle as anyone else, and I've just understood that when I want to be right that isn't the same as being helpful, useful or a good person. I stop reminding myself of that, and I'm right back down there. And yet, when I tell myself I understand, that (actually) helpful part of my brain asks me "do you actually understand, or is this yet another blind spot?", to which the answer is "yes". I've ascended from Plato's Cave, returned to tell the people still chained what I know, then had a moment to think and realized the surface's above Plato's Cave is no less in Plato's Cave. And well, I want to tell myself I know all this, the other people just can't understand that and that's why I'm better aaand... Memento mori, but for being an rear end in a top hat.
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Nov 28, 2020 15:28
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Related, but a different topic, is the whole assumption I'd couldn't use help anyway and am just a wasted cause. My biggest sources of stress right now are my teeth, a solved problem where easy answers do exist for if you're rich, but they're luxury bones so no, not for me, get an infinity of fillings instead. That, combined with my nerve pain, leave me forevermore paranoid about my mouth, because it's hurting all the time, enough so that I literally had a root die and couldn't tell. Related cause of stress are doctors being appointed a time slot for my care, and said time slot is far too short for even reciting my medical history even if I do work ahead of time to compress it into a rhyming chant for maximum retention. And then, there's a new doctor next time, because the appointments are spaced an era apart. It's not even saving them money it's just that they must have a shittily working system because austerity demands so and there's no exceptions for people like me because I'm expensive, not rich. That's not getting into the whole separate problem with disability support being precariously placed in the hands of people who do not give half a poo poo about us which... may sound like a familiar experience but that too opens up into its own fractal nightmare that you will not guess how it works for me. It goes beyond me, so I won't share further. Yes, my health is slowly and agonizingly deteriorating, like trying to protect a handful of sand from being blown away in the wind, but that's slow and there's actually a lot of things I want to do. What do I end up doing instead? Trying to compensate for help I need that got a hard age cap because austerity. I haven't had my apt clean in... like fifteen months now? I'd need far more help than I even had, but even the little I had got taken away because common good demands more corporate subsidies. How much time do I have for my interests and hobbies, apart from the mindless grinding in videogames I'm reduced to when the fatigue doesn't let me do anything more advanced? Very loving little. I've got hobbies. The tools just stand there, degrading with age, slowly breaking down. As this tool just sits there, degrading with age, slowly breaking down. I have things I enjoy. Or rather, I'd have things I enjoy if it wasn't either Try To Fix poo poo O'Clock or Too Fatigued To Think O'Clock at all times. And whenever I share this I get a twin response of "you're way too depressing to spend time around" and "who cares". I've even tried to not think about it but turns out that if I'm constantly going "don't think about purple elephants" when talking to someone else I don't make any social connections. And when I talk about my problems, I don't make any social connections. When I'm getting an extra hour of sleep and fully ignoring going outside or talking to anyone at all, I don't make any social connections, but there's a chance I'll have the spare energy to get some real cleaning done.
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Nov 28, 2020 20:08
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The personal is political and the political is personal and we're affected by no less than three global crises and my ability to cope with daily life depends on a political system that's doubling down on being lovely to minorities, because they feel the need to do something and that's what they can get away with. I can't separate the two and I'm not going to accept "I don't want to hear your personal complaints about the problems I just want to stay on the topic of the global problems" in loving C-SPAM. My problems are inexorably interlinked with the global problems and capitalism and where my exact situation might well be unique, disabled people going without care sure as hell isn't, nor is the prejudice against them, which is seriously not helped by the crisis. Of COVID, mind. Climate change isn't there yet in wealthy countries, capitalism has been doing this poo poo for decades. Don't want to hear people getting angry and flippant about politics? You are absolutely in the wrong forum. And then the grand defender of empathy tags a disabled person with a swastika, making the point about empathy being worthless a lot better than anything I could say. You only know problems exist if someone tells you they exist, and that begins with personal stories, every loving time.
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Nov 28, 2020 20:24
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quote:Perhaps it is unusual for so many words to be written, political theory instead of a memorial narrative, for a message honoring a martyr of the revolution. I kept comrade Michael Forest Reinoehl firmly in my mind with every word I wrote down in this text. This text is not an act of revenge. I still haven’t paid a penny of my debt. I have only determined it. Our revenge will go all the way. breadnsucc has issued a correction as of 19:43 on Aug 21, 2021 |
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Nov 28, 2020 22:37
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on the one hand im glad that while i dont have any job prospects in the last two weeks of college in the middle of a pandemic and economic collapse, im not constantly feeling like i ran a hundred yard dash; on the other hand im pretty sure that my current coping strategy of "play dark souls twelve hours a day" isn't sustainable
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Nov 29, 2020 16:36
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asked my mom for 300 bucks and she sent me to a government website that states i wont be evicted until evictions start again in January 2021 she doesnt understand i dont have money lol. she married some dude with cash and hasnt worked in 15 years.
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Nov 30, 2020 19:47
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The "too depressing to be around" thing sucks, I can't really be sorry that I bother to think about upsetting realities instead of trying to only think about happy things.
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Dec 1, 2020 01:04
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quote:Perhaps it is unusual for so many words to be written, political theory instead of a memorial narrative, for a message honoring a martyr of the revolution. I kept comrade Michael Forest Reinoehl firmly in my mind with every word I wrote down in this text. This text is not an act of revenge. I still haven’t paid a penny of my debt. I have only determined it. Our revenge will go all the way. breadnsucc has issued a correction as of 19:42 on Aug 21, 2021 |
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Dec 2, 2020 11:57
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Had a panic attack earlier today. I still can't calm down below a 7 or 8 out of 10. Cool. 
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Dec 3, 2020 02:41
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StashAugustine posted:on the one hand im glad that while i dont have any job prospects in the last two weeks of college in the middle of a pandemic and economic collapse, im not constantly feeling like i ran a hundred yard dash; on the other hand im pretty sure that my current coping strategy of "play dark souls twelve hours a day" isn't sustainable eventually you'll have to play more dark souls
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Dec 3, 2020 03:06
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endlessmonotony posted:You only know problems exist if someone tells you they exist, and that begins with personal stories, every loving time. The deepest rot in America is the gulf between people and their problems. We all need to talk and listen more to each other, and not in that bullshit "bypartisan" sit and talk and listen way, but in the share-the-horrors-of-your-life way.
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Dec 3, 2020 05:16
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Shifty Nipples posted:The "too depressing to be around" thing sucks, I can't really be sorry that I bother to think about upsetting realities instead of trying to only think about happy things. Yeah things are depressing all over so why would I want to hang out with a guy who's just one more source of misery and wants me to feel as bad as he does? (USER WAS PUT ON PROBATION FOR THIS POST)
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Dec 3, 2020 22:04
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Crane Fist posted:Yeah things are depressing all over so why would I want to hang out with a guy who's just one more source of misery and wants me to feel as bad as he does? lol if you think that's why I do what I do, or if you think that's what I am. I mean, working as intended, because I most certainly don't want to hang out with people like you.
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Dec 3, 2020 22:14
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endlessmonotony posted:lol if you think that's why I do what I do, or if you think that's what I am. I assume your quest to avoid human interaction is going well because I've read like three of your posts here and I never want to see you again, guy I wasn't talking to
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Dec 3, 2020 22:21
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Crane Fist posted:I assume your quest to avoid human interaction is going well because I've read like three of your posts here and I never want to see you again, guy I wasn't talking to Look I'm not a mod or an IK or anything but maybe don't come into the mental health thread to agitate the people that post here.
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Dec 3, 2020 22:23
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I dunno, an uncontrollable urge to be a dipshit who can't stop picking fights is certainly appropriate.
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Dec 3, 2020 22:38
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i did it, I did the political thing that was very scary but I did it well and now I can rest (and by rest I mean do everything else and maybe hopefully actually rest after Christmas?)
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Dec 4, 2020 00:05
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there comes a point where i don't bother talking about my black, bleak loving worldview. either I'll be proven wrong or I'll be one of the billions of dead as systems collapse im too depressing to help and it feels like all i do is hurt those that try (^o^)
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Dec 4, 2020 04:38
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yeah I’ve sort of cut myself off from everyone for those reasons, as well as having nothing to say or talk about anyway because my life is an empty meaningless husk
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Dec 4, 2020 04:48
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I still enjoy this place and you guys but I all but had to abandon it because I didn't realize how much posting about war, geopolitics and existential risks to civilization weighs you down when you've already got brain problems. also hypothetically what if america was my fault? or yours for that matter? mea fuckin culpa? also can someone remove my JOE tag or replace it with the stalin one? I'm happy trmmo lost but it's kinda cringe now Segata Sanshiro has issued a correction as of 05:17 on Dec 4, 2020 |
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Dec 4, 2020 05:14
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T-man posted:im too depressing to help and it feels like all i do is hurt those that try (^o^) Have you seen a therapist or psychiatrist? I ask because your sentiment is a common one. Some people's confidence and self-image are so far down in the gutter that they think they're too difficult or complex of a case for professionals. They never are, but that thought prevents them from seeking help sometimes. I have seen clients who started with that sentiment and when it inevitably unravels it was usually about them not thinking they deserve healing or happiness. And I just want to let you know you do.
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Dec 4, 2020 06:13
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thehandtruck posted:Have you seen a therapist or psychiatrist? I ask because your sentiment is a common one. Some people's confidence and self-image are so far down in the gutter that they think they're too difficult or complex of a case for professionals. They never are, but that thought prevents them from seeking help sometimes. I have seen clients who started with that sentiment and when it inevitably unravels it was usually about them not thinking they deserve healing or happiness. And I just want to let you know you do. I've had no less than a dozen professionals tell me that I'm too complex a case to really help, and all of those professionals were doctor+. Your attitude is not helpful. C-SPAM is entirely composed of weirdoes of various types to begin with, and there's always going to be edge cases too far out there for therapists or psychiatrists to even take seriously, burdened as they are by being humans like the rest of us. That does not reduce the problems of finding a suitable person with the reality there's only going to be so many professionals you can handle reaching out to before you arrive at the point where your mental health is better served by not doing so. Nevermind getting into the cost of trying to seek care when you're already disadvantaged and probably have a billion things your money is better spent on, just from a mental health viewpoint. You read like a bad ad copy and the fact that you don't realize that is a red flag bigger than anything T-man has ever shown. Sorry T-man but it's true. I know you try. I appreciate it. lol who gives a poo poo what we deserve, I ain't getting healing and I'm saving my spoons by putting happiness into the folder of "things to deal with once I've solved all of the practical problems".
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Dec 4, 2020 06:49
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I'd say I'm sick to my core of the empty platitudes where everyone deserves happiness or relief from pain. I'm not, because I just roll my eyes and move along. Everyone believes what they must to deal with the world, and if your vice is weed, painkillers, alcohol, food or repeating to yourself that none of this is real, who am I to judge. Truth is a joke because I've yet to meet someone who actually accepts reality because they enjoy it; the closest people come is realizing that if they run from reality, they'll run until they can't, and that's harmful to themselves in the long run. The truth is that all we deserve is death. The rest we may receive, or we may not, and it's certainly not because it's an innate right granted to us by some dipshit with a blood abv of around 10% or whatever it is this time. Not that most faiths say much about what we deserve in this life, mostly it's just people freaking out trying to find excuses. But I do enjoy people trying to square their sincere belief the world is just with the fates of the less fortunate right here, right now. Well, until the racism and ableism come out, anyway. If I'm guaranteed and deserve all these things, why is society hellbent on making sure I don't even get closer and instead need to suffer before the Lord of Austerity, high priest to Mammon? And why am I not getting closer? Oh right because I didn't buy the right quick fix.
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Dec 4, 2020 07:13
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endlessmonotony posted:You read like a bad ad copy and the fact that you don't realize that is a red flag bigger than anything T-man has ever shown. You stupid dickhead, if you weren't so involved in the story you're telling yourself about how impossible getting help is maybe you'd get some. Stop presuming people are giving you "empty platitudes" or at the very least pretend to be decent enough to just ignore them if you think it's worthless. Your brain is garbage, pay someone to hold onto your garbage thoughts for an hour a week. No therapist is going to do the work for you and your claim that doctors just throw their hands up and say "well your big genius brain is impossible to decipher" is total bullshit. Or, you know, keep doomblogging in the mental health thread.
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Dec 4, 2020 07:56
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mental illness is the same as any other disease. there are kinds that can’t be cured or treated, and no amount of “help” can change that. it’s silly and, in my opinion, insulting to pretend otherwise and to fail to acknowledge this reality
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Dec 4, 2020 08:02
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Jorge Bell posted:You stupid dickhead, if you weren't so involved in the story you're telling yourself about how impossible getting help is maybe you'd get some. Stop presuming people are giving you "empty platitudes" or at the very least pretend to be decent enough to just ignore them if you think it's worthless. I'll do that last thing, thank you very much. It's not that my mental state is impossible to decipher, it's that my mental health is intertwined with physical health issues, economic reality and scarcity of healthcare resources where helping me would just as likely be throwing resources that could help someone else into a hole where they do precisely nothing the next time my health collapses. My coping methods have been professionally assessed, and the doctors telling me any help probably wouldn't do anything isn't bullshit. If they had infinite resources, we'd have a situation unrelated to the current reality. But I do love you demonstrating how this is turned into a personal moral fault of mine as I bring it up, so genuinely, thank you. You perfectly demonstrate why people don't speak up about their illness.
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Dec 4, 2020 08:07
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indigi posted:mental illness is the same as any other disease. there are kinds that can’t be cured or treated, and no amount of “help” can change that. it’s silly and, in my opinion, insulting to pretend otherwise and to fail to acknowledge this reality Do you think that it's more likely that dude is impeding his own ability to seek treatment, or that he has a special magic brain that doctors and therapists simply can't understand?
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Dec 4, 2020 08:07
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Jorge Bell posted:Do you think that it's more likely that dude is impeding his own ability to seek treatment, or that he has a special magic brain that doctors and therapists simply can't understand? lol it was never likely for me to be this seriously ill, and yet I am. Funny, how often the whole "it's very unlikely you're that badly off, so you're not" turns out to be among the coping methods of people. Like, I hear it a lot. It's everpresent and never gets any smarter. My brain is far from being magic, and the doctors understand it rather well, what with having taken the skull apart and all. They just don't have any real answers left to improve my state. They've done what they can. The rest on the table are all risky gambits that might leave me worse off than I started, and none of them come cheap.
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Dec 4, 2020 08:14
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endlessmonotony posted:It's not that my mental state is impossible to decipher, it's that my mental health is intertwined with physical health issues, economic reality and scarcity of healthcare resources where helping me would just as likely be throwing resources that could help someone else into a hole where they do precisely nothing the next time my health collapses. My coping methods have been professionally assessed, and the doctors telling me any help probably wouldn't do anything isn't bullshit. If they had infinite resources, we'd have a situation unrelated to the current reality. "Any help for me would be a waste, other people need it, I'm not worth it, I'll always be bad and it's not a good idea to change." Why not ignore people trying to help you then? You're reacting this way to people earnestly telling you that healing is possible because you DO understand that you can, but you don't feel like you can make it. That's why you're pity party-ing in the mental health thread. The ironic thing is that you're basically one lie away from actually getting help, it's literally the poo poo thehandtruck and I are saying, but because it goes so counter to this intrinsic feeling that you aren't worth it that you reject it out of hand. I don't think you doing that is a moral failing, it's a symptom of your mental illness. The reason you're a stupid piece of poo poo is that you tell people that are literally only saying nice things to you that their messages read like ad copy and are empty platitudes. That's what makes you a lovely rear end in a top hat. Don't respond like that. Say "thank you" or ignore it.
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Dec 4, 2020 08:16
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Jorge Bell posted:"Any help for me would be a waste, other people need it, I'm not worth it, I'll always be bad and it's not a good idea to change." I do understand I can't. You think I don't seek help. Do you think I'd end up with a dozen doctors going "there's nothing left to be done" if I didn't seek help? I seek help often, and loudly. I don't get help, because there's no good ideas left. I don't get to overrule the doctors on what they think is appropriate care (and indeed, I shouldn't be able to) and I understand how dangerous and/or expensive the long shots are. I could get help to some of my stress if I had money, but I'd need a lot of money, like unreasonably lot, and I don't have that money. So I respond like "gently caress you", because you're wrong, but more importantly you're an rear end in a top hat clinging hard to a worldview where you're not wrong.
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Dec 4, 2020 08:20
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Doctors are not wizards. They do not have a magic "make everything better" button. Eventually you exhaust what they have to offer. You probably won't ever see the true end of their toolbox, because there's a point where doctors go "no, that's too dangerous" or "it's not likely to do anything". There's this whole oath about not doing harm. All roads that don't end just lead you back to where you started. I've made my peace with the fact that I won't heal. That's been a massive deal, emotionally speaking. And now I've found the dearth of fucks deep within that allows me to speak earnestly about it. You're not about to take that away from me, shitlord.
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Dec 4, 2020 08:28
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thehandtruck posted:Have you seen a therapist or psychiatrist? I ask because your sentiment is a common one. Some people's confidence and self-image are so far down in the gutter that they think they're too difficult or complex of a case for professionals. They never are, but that thought prevents them from seeking help sometimes. I have seen clients who started with that sentiment and when it inevitably unravels it was usually about them not thinking they deserve healing or happiness. And I just want to let you know you do. i've only been in therapy for five years and tried half a dozen medications, but thanks for the presumption. Jorge Bell posted:"Any help for me would be a waste, other people need it, I'm not worth it, I'll always be bad and it's not a good idea to change." get hosed
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Dec 4, 2020 08:28
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You guys are right therapy is a huge waste of time, my big genius brain is impossible to heal and I'm going to be a broken boy forever. Thanks for pushing me to this realization.
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Dec 4, 2020 08:30
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Jorge Bell posted:You guys are right therapy is a huge waste of time, my big genius brain is impossible to heal and I'm going to be a broken boy forever. Thanks for pushing me to this realization. Why don't you speak honestly of what troubles you, instead of trying to impose your view on the world on others? I don't think that my incurable illness needs to trouble you all that much. Nothing can be done, so worrying about it seems a little pointless.
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Dec 4, 2020 08:31
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it's hard to believe in doctors when they've constantly failed to help over a period of years. monotony, and to a lesser degree myself have seen exactly what is available for treatment, and failed to be helped due to a number of societal, economic, and ideological reasons. the psychological-medical complex has a number of glaring failures, and pretending otherwise is in and of itself a form of ableism. "anyone can get better" is a story for children, much like the just world fallacy that it implies. it's not a question of never possibly being better, but of admitting that the limitations both intrinsic and developed to the field of psychology, psychiatry, and cognitive science.
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Dec 4, 2020 08:35
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endlessmonotony posted:You're not about to take that away from me, shitlord. Then they all clapped!
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Dec 4, 2020 08:42
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As a note, I do not believe the doctors fail to help me because of any prejudice or systemic factors - they fail to help me on the severe problems because there's nothing left to be done, and knowing my own condition and test results, as well as the relevant literature, I know they're telling the truth. Now my landlord causes me stress because ALAB, my living conditions could be better adjusted for my disability and teeth being luxury bones remains bullshit buuut I'd still be disabled and severely ill in an incurable way even if all that was resolved. I've also got other problems I could solve with money, or maybe not, that I won't talk about but they're not directly health-related. I'm really not as grim about it as I seem, I just won't bottle up all the frustration and anger anymore. I do have other interests and a complex internal life that isn't just "FUUUCK I HATE PAIN AND ALSO HOW BULLSHIT THESE BODIES ARE GIVE ME CHROME AND STEEL", and I'm quite capable of humor and where I don't enjoy much (that one's a complex topic), I am still motivated to learn which I would be doing a lot more if it wasn't instead trying to compensate for poverty hour all possible times of the day.
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Dec 4, 2020 08:43
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Jorge Bell posted:Then they all clapped! it took you four posts to get to this point, do you think you're helping with it?
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Dec 4, 2020 08:45
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Jorge Bell posted:Then they all clapped! Really, this weak poo poo? I mean, I could bring up the fact that you clearly have problems of your own you're not comfortable bringing up, and I wager I wouldn't be either if I judged people who speak up the way you do, but... eh? You're not comfortable, you're not comfortable. But seriously your trolling is at best weak. Put more effort in or don't bother. This ain't 4chan.
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Dec 4, 2020 08:45
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