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Time Crisis Actor posted:gently caress I love Medieval Times story hour 
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Dec 29, 2020 03:51
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Steezo posted:Well they are LARPing ancient cavalry so, it fits. Unholy Satan, will the survivors of the coming cannibal wastelands try to LARP as today’s cav? 
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Dec 29, 2020 04:00
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If you need a soundtrack: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Sr4gPS0gpdE (which came about because the singer used to work at Medieval Times).
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Dec 29, 2020 04:27
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Icon Of Sin posted:Unholy Satan, will the survivors of the coming cannibal wastelands try to LARP as today’s cav? Too late. TFR/The Pellet Palace/Paintball Megathread - Scenario doesn't mean turn your Cavalier into a tank
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Dec 29, 2020 04:28
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Lemniscate Blue posted:They asked me literally only one question before offering me the job, and that was: "Could you pass a piss test now, or do you need a few weeks to clean up first?" There are some workplaces where this would be a trick question, and the applicant is dismissed and blacklisted if they admit they could use a few weeks. I have the feeling this was not such a workplace.
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Dec 29, 2020 05:08
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Lemniscate Blue posted:rammed from behind by a horse named Muerte A novel by Chuck Tingle
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Dec 29, 2020 09:10
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Platystemon posted:There are some workplaces where this would be a trick question, and the applicant is dismissed and blacklisted if they admit they could use a few weeks. Trust your feelings. Now that the general order of things has been established, let's introduce the cast of characters that I got to know and work with during the three years I worked at Medieval Times - or as its employees called it, "The Castle". Generally I'm going to limit this to people who have something interesting about them or feature in a story, because the castle employed something north of 150 people and I simply don't remember all of them. In the "Dirt Department", consisting of knights, squires, and the falconer, nicknames featured prominently. They attempted to nickname everyone, but only about half stuck. I thought about coming up with fake names but the actual nicknames are part of the charm and it's been two decades, so to hell with it. Knights: Michael - 80s rocker dude who was acting Head Knight when I got hired, because the actual Head Knight was out long term due to injury (and never actually came back). Drove a black generation 3 Camaro. He had been a knight for about 10 years when I was hired, and before that was a professional jouster on the renaissance faire circuit. I played a D&D campaign at his apartment for a while. One time I showed up a little earlier than everyone else and to pass the time Michael decided to put on a hardcore porn DVD on his big screen TV. Because that's a thing that you do without asking if everyone's okay with it. A year or so after I left Michael got out of the show due to just being beaten up over the years to the point where his body couldn't take it any more and transferred to the tech department. A good guy, but perpetually living in the mid 1980s in his soul. "Vinnie" - From NYC, and actively encouraged rumors about his shady past. He kept a slim jim in his locker and was the go-to guy for when a guest locked their keys in their car. I never once saw him fail to open a car in less than three minutes and mostly less than thirty seconds, it was truly impressive. Vinnie had a litmus test that he would administer to some random newbie every few months where he would hand you a set of electric clippers and ask you to shave his back. If you helped him out without complaining then he liked you. Ivan - Also a bass player in a goth band. Ivan was generally just happy to be doing whatever he was doing, but could be sloppy to the point of being dangerous in fights. He was responsible for several injuries when I was there, including one that resulted in his fight partner requiring a plate and screws in his hand. I am 95% sure that more than half the time Ivan's jolly mood was chemically induced and I have no idea how he got away with it, considering that company policy was that any injuries during the show required drug testing of all involved parties. I didn't really like Ivan. According to his Facebook page he found Jesus and went straight evangelical. Go figure. Jason and David - will feature in a story. I didn't know them well, partly because they left early in my time there. Jason would occasionally play one of the speaking roles on the dais, King or Chancellor. "Mackis" - Was taking college classes at the time and is now a high school history teacher. The only knight with short hair. Mackis once developed an utter obsession with Toto's "Africa" and played it on the locker room stereo at high volume before each show for about six weeks to get hyped up. Jack - Became Head Knight at some point after I left. A few years ago he was a contestant on a reality TV show about competitive jousting, which was actually won by a Medieval Times employee at a different castle. "Brutus" - Former Marine, burly, and the loudest person in any given room. He had been playing the King pretty consistently for a while by the time I started there, but occasionally would do the villain roles/fights. Brutus was the Show Department manager for a while but got demoted in a reorganization after he took the fall for something I'm pretty sure he didn't do, but I never got the full story on that. Thanks to him finding out that he could do it online I (and everyone else in the locker room at the time) am a Doctor of Divinity, an ordained Reverend in the Universal Life Church, and a Knight Commander in the Order of St. Isidore of Seville. Somewhere I still have the laminated certificates he handed out. Brutus joined the Freemasons about midway through my time there and bragged about how it was going to give him the connections to be successful and soon he would be rich. As far as I know he's still saying that. "Pezcueso" - nicknamed by the Spanish-speaking stablehands after his long neck and prominent Adam's Apple. Doesn't feature in any stories but the nickname was too good not to put down. "Boss J" - replacement Head Knight, transferred from another castle after it became clear that the previous one was not coming back from injury leave. Was generally more interested in breaking into the local realtor market than managing this band of merry assholes. It's late, so tomorrow we meet the squires, where the going gets weird and the weird turn pro.
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Dec 29, 2020 10:25
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I was gonna make a joke about there being a front page but this poo poo is too good. When you all done it needs to be combined, edited and tossed up.
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Dec 29, 2020 10:46
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Godholio posted:Too late. Huh, rrail's forever-probation is nearly down to triple-figure days. Wasn't that initial ban like 11+ years?
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Dec 29, 2020 13:05
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pkells posted:Huh, rrail's forever-probation is nearly down to triple-figure days. Wasn't that initial ban like 11+ years? 100k probes are 11.4 years.
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Dec 29, 2020 13:41
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lmao It’s an ugly time! A medieval time!
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Dec 29, 2020 13:42
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Mr. Nice! posted:100k probes are 11.4 years. Now I'm wondering if someone has already resumed posting after completing his 100k hrs or if they all moved on.
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Dec 29, 2020 15:13
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aphid_licker posted:Now I'm wondering if someone has already resumed posting after completing his 100k hrs or if they all moved on. https://forums.somethingawful.com/showthread.php?noseen=0&threadid=3921873&pagenumber=4&perpage=40#post504575335
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Dec 29, 2020 15:38
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GotLag posted:https://forums.somethingawful.com/showthread.php?noseen=0&threadid=3921873&pagenumber=4&perpage=40#post504575335 Jesus
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Dec 29, 2020 15:41
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aphid_licker posted:Now I'm wondering if someone has already resumed posting after completing his 100k hrs or if they all moved on. Abunchofnumbers (“backpanther”) has twenty‐something days left on his.
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Dec 29, 2020 16:00
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aphid_licker posted:Jesus Some jokes are worth waiting for edit: Platystemon posted:Abunchofnumbers (“backpanther”) has twenty‐something days left on his. oh my god please
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Dec 29, 2020 16:03
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stevobob posted:Some jokes are worth waiting for i wouldn't hold your breath, he takes forever to type anything
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Dec 29, 2020 21:14
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I should probably wait until I'm slightly liquored up before writing these, but I want to get them done before the thread closes at the end of the month. Medieval Times: The Squires Squires generally fell along a spectrum with three clusters: 1) Actually on their way to becoming knights, with an eye towards getting that promotion to "full-time knight" (not actually a full-time employee, are you kidding?). Could generally be trusted to take training seriously and get the job done with a minimum of fuss. The problem with being here is that you were stuck waiting until a position as a full-time knight opened up when someone left or you got tired of waiting and went to do something else with your life. 2) People who were okay as squires and could get the job done most days, but needed a little closer supervision and usually had something holding them back from actually being taken seriously as potential knights. The terminal lance corporals of the job, if you will. 3) Dirtbags, fuckups and people who just didn't fit in with the place. Typically only stuck around for a few weeks to a few months before realizing it wasn't what they thought it would be. Mostly had ego issues that got in the way of performing well - rather similar to some military recruits now that I think about it, but with no boot camp to iron out some of the wrinkles. As you might suspect, a significant fraction of the people who want to be "a knight at Medieval Times!" have got something wrong with them. It's hard to deny that almost all of us were kinda nerds to a greater or lesser degree, but there's "likes Star Wars more than most folks" geek and there's OG "bites heads of chickens at the carnival" geek and Dirt Department ran the gamut. These folks were squires when I started the job: "Broke" - head squire when I started. His nickname was short for "Broke-dick", not because he himself got injured but because he resembled a previous squire who was notorious for getting hurt enough that he'd have to take time off work to heal. Broke once confided in me, out of the blue as far as I can remember, that he got revenge on a cheating ex by getting her blackout drunk and sewing her vagina shut with piano wire. I don't believe for a moment that he actually did this but the fact that he thought it was something to brag about really paints a picture. I don't remember why he quit but I don't think he ever got to knight in the show despite training for it, so it may have been frustration at stagnating. More than anything else in the world Broke wanted to be a professional stuntman, but when an opportunity arose he completely failed to even show up to try out and I actually got in. I may tell that story but it's less relevant to Medieval Times and identifying to me on a level I'm not sure I'm comfortable with. "Lazer" - Technically a nickname bestowed on him (after one of the American Gladiators) but he was the only person who called himself this. Everyone else called him by his real name, but that's boring. Also worked as a cleaner to prepare rental properties after tenants moved out and was suprisingly handy for making or fixing just about anything. Features in a story. "Woody" - I don't know if that was a nickname or his real name, but it's all I ever heard anyone call him. Woody was backcountry Cajun, as coonass - his word - as they come. I'm 98% certain he did not graduate from high school and I wouldn't have been surprised to find out that his formal schooling stopped in 8th grade. As someone who grew up surrounded by overachievers and gifted students Woody represented a type of person I had never encountered before. He wasn't stupid, but because he was thoroughly uninformed about nearly everything he basically had to start from scratch every time he engaged his brain, and as a result made some very dumb decisions and had bad habits. Once at a party at someone's apartment complex I saw Woody stand up from a hot tub, and his skin was about three shades lighter from the nipples down because that was apparently the closest he'd come to bathing in quite some time. Thank God I saw that before I got in myself. Woody and Lazer used to vanish for about 20 minutes an hour before the start of every show like clockwork, and I eventually figured out that they were retreating to the far corner of the back parking lot to smoke up in Lazer's beater Mazda truck. Woody couldn't afford to chip in for the pot so he would sit in the hotbox while Lazer smoked. "Scud" - named after the missile because when he was new he apparently was notorious for running all over the place but never being where he was supposed to be during a show. Collected Star Wars toys and memorabilia. Scud sadly passed from brain cancer about ten years ago. Features prominently in a story. "Pony" - named after Ponyboy Curtis from "The Outsiders". Real skinny guy who frankly I didn't like very much so I didn't hang around him. Best friends with Jack and usually squired for him until Pony started knighting. Once declared to the locker room in general that the thing about being on an extended coke binge is that you stop eating so you stop making GBS threads, and even when you fart there's nothing there so it's a little whisper that doesn't stink. I decided to take his word for it rather than find out for myself. Pezcueso was techinically a squire when I started now that I think about it, but was promoted soon after. These are the more memorable of the folks who were hired on as squires after me: "Tank" - because he was built like one. Might have been considered for knight eventually if he lost weight, but there was a component of the job that was based on looks and management didn't see him as fitting the role. Which was a shame, he was athletic in a strongman sort of way and a good guy. He wanted it so badly that he drove an hour each way from the hick town where he lived and he was still doing it when I left. Chad - Mackis' childhood best friend who had enlisted in the Marines immediately after high school, and this was his first civilian job. Got on with Brutus like a house afire. Fast-tracked into knighting due to being buddies and a vet, which caused some friction but he was a charismatic guy so it smoothed over. Probably the person in the department that I liked best, he was a good dude. Never became a full-time knight due to corporate stuff that I'll talk about later, so he went to gunsmithing school and became a range instructor in Virginia. Now lives on a mountain in West Virginia and is the platonic ideal of a right-wing Grunt Style-wearing bearded Internet Veteran. You know the type. We keep in touch but we don't talk politics, ever. Jared - a short-timer who nevertheless made an impression due to being a complete fuckup. At one point the knight he was squiring for got so mad at him that he arranged for him to be "shake-and-baked": duct-taped, hosed down, and rolled in the sand backstage until covered. He did not take this well and a fight broke out, which went up the chain and led to the end of physical hazing and his employment. This incident doesn't reflect well on anyone involved including me. "Gerbil" - short and hairy. Broad-chested and muscular, and obsessed with becoming more so. As far as I could tell he lived exclusively on griled chicken breast, broccoli, and protein shakes. I once saw him scoop protein powder directly into his mouth with his fingers. His farts were capable of causing locker room evacuations and once made Jack vomit. He was related to the horse trainer. Once put a sword straight through his boot and got very angry that we laughed at him for it. Dave - wasn't well liked enough to be awarded a nickname. The world's biggest liar. Claimed all sorts of things, mostly built around the idea that he used to be Army Special Forces. Said he'd gotten knifed in the groin on a secret mission to Central America and only survived because he was able to put pressure on the artery to stop the bleeding with one hand while continuing to shoot with the other. Claimed at a party to have seen a fellow soldier shot in the chest resulting in a tension pneumothorax and he (Dave) had inserted a decompression needle with valve. The host overheard and later that evening decided to put on the movie Three Kings, from which Dave had stolen the story. I don't think it even registered with Dave that he was being called a liar. During a company paintball event claimed to play on a nationally ranked team, which he then failed to prove in a hilarious manner on the field by getting marked out first in every round played. "Thunder" - short for "Thunder Thighs" because his were huge. Apparently he'd been very fat but lost the weight, and his leg muscles were overdeveloped from supporting and carrying him around and he didn't skip leg day. He didn't last long but that wasn't anybody's fault, it just wasn't the job he thought it was and didn't pay well enough to stick with. Which I think makes him smarter than most of us, when you come right down to it. I'll tell a couple stories next and then talk about some of the people outside Dirt Department and how hosed up the corporate culture was. Lemniscate Blue fucked around with this message at 21:55 on Dec 29, 2020 |
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Dec 29, 2020 21:49
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Dec 29, 2020 21:54
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Dude would probably poo poo himself if someone yelled "HEY, BOOT", but yelling in airports isn't very kosher these days.
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Dec 29, 2020 22:00
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He looks like how I looked flying to Washington as an unattended minor.
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Dec 29, 2020 22:10
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Lemniscate Blue posted:I should probably wait until I'm slightly liquored up before writing these, but I want to get them done before the thread closes at the end of the month.
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Dec 29, 2020 22:31
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This thread, much like idiots in the military, is eternal  it can have multiple volumes, though 
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Dec 29, 2020 22:33
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This is way more true than I should be okay admitting. It's not exaggerating to say that if I hadn't worked there with these people then I have absolutely no idea what direction my life might have taken. Stravag posted:This is the idiots thread, is it closing for some reason? Oh poo poo, I don't know why I was thinking this was the December CE thread, this wouldn't fit there at all. Maybe I shouldn't drunkpost after all.
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Dec 29, 2020 22:49
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 man
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Dec 29, 2020 22:51
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Stravag posted:
I'm working on it. I don't write quickly, I'm afraid.
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Dec 29, 2020 23:01
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But his hands arnt clasped behind his back...
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Dec 30, 2020 00:08
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What's the black headband for? It's not his mask.
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Dec 30, 2020 03:38
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Godholio posted:What's the black headband for? It's not his mask. Glasses?
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Dec 30, 2020 04:02
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McNally posted:Glasses? Does look like a geek strap.
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Dec 30, 2020 04:52
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McNally posted:Glasses? I was really hoping it wasn't that. Poor kid.
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Dec 30, 2020 07:02
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Steezo posted:Does look like a geek strap. Looks like the one for the weird version of the glasses to go under gas masks and such
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Dec 30, 2020 07:21
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iwentdoodie posted:Looks like the one for the weird version of the glasses to go under gas masks and such They don’t do the lens inserts anymore?
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Dec 30, 2020 08:14
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Midjack posted:They don’t do the lens inserts anymore? Nah, they have these go faster swim goggles now.
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Dec 30, 2020 14:20
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There's probably military idiots stories about medieval knights out there somewhere. Certainly so many Arthurian tales would count. Knights are apparently all massive idiot drama queens.
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Dec 30, 2020 14:58
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Horse nobles are still nobles
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Dec 30, 2020 15:53
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Ghost Leviathan posted:There's probably military idiots stories about medieval knights out there somewhere. Certainly so many Arthurian tales would count. Knights are apparently all massive idiot drama queens. The A/T milhist thread is full of early modern period tales of mercenaries behaving badly, with extreme amounts of drinking, fighting, and dueling. Bursars would pay them on a strategic schedule so they'd be cash-flush and drunk in down-times, broke and less-drunk in times they needed to do real soldiering.
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Dec 30, 2020 16:05
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There's an entire nation state of the dramatic idiots in The Belgariad and Mallorean book series by David Eddings. They don't appear often (one's a main character) but when they do, it's normally in the middle of a big fight/war because of some inane bullshit.
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Dec 30, 2020 16:26
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Stupid_Sexy_Flander posted:There's an entire nation state of the dramatic idiots in The Belgariad and Mallorean book series by David Eddings. They don't appear often (one's a main character) but when they do, it's normally in the middle of a big fight/war because of some inane bullshit. Cool
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Dec 30, 2020 16:44
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| # ? Jun 7, 2024 08:25 |
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Someone in the OSHA thread pointed out this was likely Army, so it's getting posted here too.
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Dec 31, 2020 07:38
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