PYF: Funny Forum Quotes: Agent (7)47

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Doc Hawkins: Jun 15, 2010; Dashing? But I'm not even moving!

elise the great posted:

The Eagles aren�t Eagles.

Imagine that you�re a court historian of Gondor. Your entire life�s work has been reading old history books, memorizing genealogies, and keeping account of the Deeds of the Stewards, year after year. It�s an important position; as the pen that writes the books, you�re the one that decides official history. You have to phrase things delicately. The truth is important, but so is the Steward�s favor. Sometimes the fiasco with the west granary gets smoothed over a bit, and you find a polite euphemism for what happened between the ministers of the lower quarter and the waterways. Sometimes you spot places in the ancient histories where some other historian has certainly done the same.

But the Steward is gone. Now there�s a King� a kind, noble king, and a wise one. As the mad relief of victory starts to ebb, and foreign princes begin their intrigues, he is determined to stabilize his throne. A few treaties are signed, a few rabble-rousers disappear, a few presumptive heirs are shipped off to other lands to be wed. Keeping the Annals of the King has become a very delicate task indeed.

Then the King�s Minister himself comes to your tower one evening with a task for you. He wants you to write an account of the King�s deeds, and of his supporters� deeds, in the War of the Ring. You will, of course, put in the bit where Boromir asserted Aragorn�s kingship, yes? Emphasize that Arwen is the most beautiful and precious lady in all the land, but don�t link her too closely with Galadriel�s counsel? And of course that whole thing with Eowyn was very chaste, quite fraternal, nothing happened there at all.

Oh, and there�s this other thing. I�m sure you�ve heard the rumors. It�s very awkward, and obviously perfectly false, but you do see how it puts me in a bit of a difficult position. The, hmm, the companionship that the Ringbearer kept in the final stages of his journey, and how he came back from Mount Doom.

Ah. Yes, I suppose that bit could be cleaned up too. No need to mention the political hostage thing. People know that the Haradrim were given free passage home after the war, that�s fine, we can just record that it was a gracious gift of the King.

No, I mean the other thing. No? Truly? Just so you understand, it�s pure falsehood, an ugly rumor. Some wagging tongues insist that Frodo and Sam traveled willingly with Orcs in Mordor� perhaps even made an uneasy alliance with a few of them. We all know how fractious the orcish tribes are, of course, but it�s a bit of a stretch to imagine that any of them had the mind or the will to resent Sauron�s dominance. He was their Lord; they existed to serve him. Vile creatures, soulless. Just because they turned on one another doesn�t mean they had the spines to turn on their Lord.

And of course it�s madness to suggest that those same Orcs rescued the Ringbearer and his servant from the mountain itself! What would they even do with a political prisoner besides eat him, foul savages that they are? With Sauron fallen, they were unthinking beasts! The idea of them selling the Ringbearer, our halfling hero, to the Haradrim themselves for a chance at political asylum...

Just ridiculous. Might as well imagine that they were snatched up by angels and carried off to Osgiliath for tea and cakes. It just makes the Ringbearer look so... weak, and so vulnerable to the influences of evil. He�s the favored friend of the King, for pity�s sake! And just think of what awful questions would arise if anyone thought Orcs might be... people.

Anyway, you�ve read all the histories a hundred times. I�m sure this isn�t the first time some perfidious troublemaker has tried to give Orcs false credit for independent thought and tribal autonomy. There�s probably some euphemism or discreet metaphor in the histories of Beleriand, or what have you. Just use one of those.

this is broadly the premise of The Last Ringbearer: it purports to be a historical adventure fiction written in the world where the Lord of the Rings was an epic poem based on a historical war, like the Iliad or the Song of Roland.

the author had it professionally translated into english but then no publishing house would touch it for the predictable legal struggles, so he just tells people to pirate it.

# ? Jan 6, 2021 02:54

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# ? May 27, 2024 05:38

Zulily Zoetrope: Jun 1, 2011; Muldoon

Wait I thought the Lord of the Rings saga was penned by Frodo Baggins, you know, the dude who actually bore the ring? Are you telling me that the original copy has been destroyed or falsified??

# ? Jan 6, 2021 03:13

Spanish Manlove: Aug 31, 2008; HAILGAYSATAN

elise the great posted:

The Eagles aren�t Eagles.

Imagine that you�re a court historian of Gondor. Your entire life�s work has been reading old history books, memorizing genealogies, and keeping account of the Deeds of the Stewards, year after year. It�s an important position; as the pen that writes the books, you�re the one that decides official history. You have to phrase things delicately. The truth is important, but so is the Steward�s favor. Sometimes the fiasco with the west granary gets smoothed over a bit, and you find a polite euphemism for what happened between the ministers of the lower quarter and the waterways. Sometimes you spot places in the ancient histories where some other historian has certainly done the same.

But the Steward is gone. Now there�s a King� a kind, noble king, and a wise one. As the mad relief of victory starts to ebb, and foreign princes begin their intrigues, he is determined to stabilize his throne. A few treaties are signed, a few rabble-rousers disappear, a few presumptive heirs are shipped off to other lands to be wed. Keeping the Annals of the King has become a very delicate task indeed.

Then the King�s Minister himself comes to your tower one evening with a task for you. He wants you to write an account of the King�s deeds, and of his supporters� deeds, in the War of the Ring. You will, of course, put in the bit where Boromir asserted Aragorn�s kingship, yes? Emphasize that Arwen is the most beautiful and precious lady in all the land, but don�t link her too closely with Galadriel�s counsel? And of course that whole thing with Eowyn was very chaste, quite fraternal, nothing happened there at all.

Oh, and there�s this other thing. I�m sure you�ve heard the rumors. It�s very awkward, and obviously perfectly false, but you do see how it puts me in a bit of a difficult position. The, hmm, the companionship that the Ringbearer kept in the final stages of his journey, and how he came back from Mount Doom.

Ah. Yes, I suppose that bit could be cleaned up too. No need to mention the political hostage thing. People know that the Haradrim were given free passage home after the war, that�s fine, we can just record that it was a gracious gift of the King.

No, I mean the other thing. No? Truly? Just so you understand, it�s pure falsehood, an ugly rumor. Some wagging tongues insist that Frodo and Sam traveled willingly with Orcs in Mordor� perhaps even made an uneasy alliance with a few of them. We all know how fractious the orcish tribes are, of course, but it�s a bit of a stretch to imagine that any of them had the mind or the will to resent Sauron�s dominance. He was their Lord; they existed to serve him. Vile creatures, soulless. Just because they turned on one another doesn�t mean they had the spines to turn on their Lord.

And of course it�s madness to suggest that those same Orcs rescued the Ringbearer and his servant from the mountain itself! What would they even do with a political prisoner besides eat him, foul savages that they are? With Sauron fallen, they were unthinking beasts! The idea of them selling the Ringbearer, our halfling hero, to the Haradrim themselves for a chance at political asylum...

Just ridiculous. Might as well imagine that they were snatched up by angels and carried off to Osgiliath for tea and cakes. It just makes the Ringbearer look so... weak, and so vulnerable to the influences of evil. He�s the favored friend of the King, for pity�s sake! And just think of what awful questions would arise if anyone thought Orcs might be... people.

Anyway, you�ve read all the histories a hundred times. I�m sure this isn�t the first time some perfidious troublemaker has tried to give Orcs false credit for independent thought and tribal autonomy. There�s probably some euphemism or discreet metaphor in the histories of Beleriand, or what have you. Just use one of those.

cool

# ? Jan 6, 2021 03:18

The Lone Badger: Sep 24, 2007

Zulily Zoetrope posted:

Wait I thought the Lord of the Rings saga was penned by Frodo Baggins, you know, the dude who actually bore the ring? Are you telling me that the original copy has been destroyed or falsified??

Modern historiographers believe that 'Bilbo' was a concatenation of at least three historical personages.

# ? Jan 6, 2021 03:48

elise the great: May 1, 2012; You do not have to be good. You only have to let the soft animal of your body love what it loves.

Frodo definitely wrote his own version, but just as Bilbo tidied up his adventures quite a bit, I�m sure some things didn�t make the final cut. Like Legolas and Gimli�s wedding. Can�t believe that got left out.

The LotR we know and love, in-fiction, would more accurately be a compiled adaptation syncretizing the Red Book and the official Gondorian accounts of Aragorn�s adventures, among other sources. It�s possible, though unlikely, that Frodo agreed to write up his memoirs with roughly 10000 statements supporting Aragorn�s throne-claim, and even named the entire volume about his most intense and traumatic experiences �Return of the King� instead of �Fall of the Ring� or whatever. He even asked Sam to write more of it, not considering it complete.

Most likely, Frodo�s writings were adapted later to include some of the rad adventure bits that Frodo missed, which incidentally were preserved in the Gondorian classic, The Totally Amazing & Badass Tales of Aragorn the Best King Ever.

# ? Jan 6, 2021 04:12

EorayMel: May 30, 2015; WE GET IT. YOU LOVE GUN JESUS. Toujours des fusils Bullpup Fran�ais.

Ok but how do the past 100 posts explain this

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wtJQspGrp8A

# ? Jan 6, 2021 04:17

christmas boots: Oct 15, 2012; To these sing-alongs 🎤of siren 🧜🏻‍♀️songs
To oohs😮 to ahhs😱 to 👏big👏applause👏
With all of my 😡anger I scream🤬 and shout📢
🇺🇸America🦅, I love you 🥰but you're freaking 💦me 😳out; Biscuit Hider

The Lone Badger posted:

Modern historiographers believe that 'Bilbo' was a concatenation of at least three historical personages.

Bilbo - Frodo -Sam

Socrates - Plato - Aristotle

So the question is, who�s Diogenes?

# ? Jan 6, 2021 04:30

Captain Hygiene: Sep 17, 2007; You mess with the crabbo...

christmas boots posted:

So the question is, who�s Diogenes?

Wasn't he that guy who got smashed by a door

# ? Jan 6, 2021 04:34

flavor.flv: Apr 18, 2008; I got a letter from the government the other day
opened it, read it
it said they was bitches

Tom Bombadil, obviously

# ? Jan 6, 2021 04:40

Ornamental Dingbat: Feb 26, 2007

christmas boots posted:

Bilbo - Frodo -Sam

Socrates - Plato - Aristotle

So the question is, who’s Diogenes?

Diogones cares about nothing and lives with animals so it's obviously Tom Bombadil

# ? Jan 6, 2021 04:41

china bot: Sep 7, 2014; you listen HERE pal
SAY GOODBYE TO TELEPHONE SEX; Plaster Town Cop

LifeSunDeath posted:

audiophiles are like qanon of the music world

# ? Jan 6, 2021 05:24

Platystemon: Feb 13, 2012; BREADS

mlmp08 posted:

These guys might be really stupid.

https://twitter.com/alanfeuer/status/1346524466285850625?s=21

22 Eargesplitten posted:

Apparently he also admitted to the whole thing on Parler so lol, good luck to whoever his defense attorney is.

E: Just checked and those magazines are a felony.

pantslesswithwolves posted:

He also missed an opportunity to do what we�ve all done when found in possession of forbidden magazines: say he found them hidden in a stump in the woods.

# ? Jan 6, 2021 05:49

Fleta Mcgurn: Oct 5, 2003; Porpoise noise continues.

Goldberg and Tom Bombadil are definitely poly af.

E: autocorrect, but you know what? There's been enough Jewish denial amongst the elves! Embrace yourselves! Looking forward to the Elvish-Yiddish songs.

# ? Jan 6, 2021 08:51

jesus WEP: Oct 17, 2004

LOTR would have been a lot simpler if they could have just hit Sauron with a spear and a jackhammer

# ? Jan 6, 2021 10:30

Barudak: May 7, 2007

Fleta Mcgurn posted:

Goldberg and Tom Bombadil are definitely poly af.

E: autocorrect, but you know what? There's been enough Jewish denial amongst the elves! Embrace yourselves! Looking forward to the Elvish-Yiddish songs.

Elrond melting down because after his eldest married a tailor and his second eldest a political dissident his third daughter wants to marry a human, but, at the end he still gifts the reforged Anduril to the newlyweds before taking himself and his youngest daughters to America

# ? Jan 6, 2021 10:39

christmas boots: Oct 15, 2012; To these sing-alongs 🎤of siren 🧜🏻‍♀️songs
To oohs😮 to ahhs😱 to 👏big👏applause👏
With all of my 😡anger I scream🤬 and shout📢
🇺🇸America🦅, I love you 🥰but you're freaking 💦me 😳out; Biscuit Hider

Yeah Bombadil is a good fit

# ? Jan 6, 2021 11:06

perepelki: Dec 11, 2020; know before Whom you stand

elise, i need to know, your opinion on this is desperately important to me

jackson or bakshi?

# ? Jan 6, 2021 11:30

My Lovely Horse: Aug 21, 2010

Oh like there's any possible debate about that

# ? Jan 6, 2021 11:32

perepelki: Dec 11, 2020; know before Whom you stand

My Lovely Horse posted:

Oh like there's any possible debate about that

# ? Jan 6, 2021 11:35

Bad Wolf: Apr 7, 2007; Without evil there could be no good, so it must be good to be evil sometime !

flavor.flv posted:

Tom Bombadil, obviously

They meet Bombadil pretty soon after staying with Farmer Maggot, who gave them mushrooms as a parting gift right ? My theory is they were just really loving high on shrooms and the whole Old Man Willow-Bombabil-Barrow Wight stretch was a giant hallucination. Gandalf and the Council were just humoring them when they talked about Tom there. They got their knives, well, hobbit swords by graverobbing while high.

# ? Jan 6, 2021 11:46

My Lovely Horse: Aug 21, 2010

The real question is, Western LotR adaptations, or Finland's Hobitit

Feel free to work out which is which. You may be surprised at who's Boromir and who's Legolas. Also sorry, that's missing Gandalf, here's Gandalf.

# ? Jan 6, 2021 12:13

90s Cringe Rock: Nov 29, 2006

hobitit gollum is amazing

# ? Jan 6, 2021 12:14

Hodgepodge: Jan 29, 2006; Can't post for 213 days!

The Lone Badger posted:

Modern historiographers believe that 'Bilbo' was a concatenation of at least three historical personages.

the canonical version was compiled at the council of rivendale, some six hundred years after the commonly accepted date of the war of the ring

apart from the obvious political glosses, much of the original symbolic meaning was by this time widely misunderstood. for example, it is unlikely that hobbits were actually physically smaller than "men" or "elves." this, along with the famous hairy feet and such, was a well established trope signifying the class position of the shire dwellers which later came to be interpreted literally.

bilbo was most likely a local member of the minor nobility who rose to prominence, paving the way for the firm alliance between the yeomanry of the shire and the military and political elites of rhohan and gondor represented by the figure of frodo. the business with smaug was most likely a satirical rendition of the struggles of the shire elite to be accepted into the "councils of the wise."

Hodgepodge has a new favorite as of 12:22 on Jan 6, 2021

# ? Jan 6, 2021 12:18

Fleta Mcgurn: Oct 5, 2003; Porpoise noise continues.

ha ha ha ha hobi tit

IIRC there's also Sourass the farting wizard.

# ? Jan 6, 2021 12:20

Biplane: Jul 18, 2005

Bildo Saggins? Dildo Shaggins is right there...

# ? Jan 6, 2021 12:28

jesus WEP: Oct 17, 2004

Not the fellatioship of the ring?

# ? Jan 6, 2021 12:29

Hodgepodge: Jan 29, 2006; Can't post for 213 days!

if a porn parody somehow makes it to the second book, it doesn't even need to change the name

# ? Jan 6, 2021 12:30

Paladinus: Jan 11, 2014; heyHEYYYY!!!

Cum Squirt.

# ? Jan 6, 2021 12:32

Hodgepodge: Jan 29, 2006; Can't post for 213 days!

in a really dedicated trilogy, none of the male actors should cum until the ring is destroyed in the third act. it isn't lava that the eagles save frodo and sam from. some of these elves have not had an organism in three thousand years.

why did i type this? why am i hitting 'post'?

# ? Jan 6, 2021 12:37

Zulily Zoetrope: Jun 1, 2011; Muldoon

All fair points, but "Diddle Earth" I'm pretty sure is the perfect porn parody name.

# ? Jan 6, 2021 12:38

Inceltown: Aug 6, 2019

Hodgepodge posted:

in a really dedicated trilogy, none of the male actors should cum until the ring is destroyed in the third act. it isn't lava that the eagles save frodo and sam from. some of these elves have not had an organism in three thousand years.

why did i type this? why am i hitting 'post'?

LoTR was 6 books :colbert:

# ? Jan 6, 2021 12:46

Son of Rodney: Feb 22, 2006; ohmygodohmygodohmygod

Biplane posted:

Bildo Saggins? Dildo Shaggins is right there...

It's all coming up thrilbo..

# ? Jan 6, 2021 12:48

steinrokkan: Apr 2, 2011; Soiled Meat

Want to see a faithful porn parody of The Silmarillion

# ? Jan 6, 2021 12:55

Captain Invictus: Apr 5, 2005; Try reading some manga!; Clever Betty

dao Jones posted:

Georgia is a blue state, wow

TulliusCicero posted:

It took an Abrams to finish what a Sherman started

# ? Jan 6, 2021 13:02

Hodgepodge: Jan 29, 2006; Can't post for 213 days!

Inceltown posted:

LoTR was 6 books

saving that for the, ah, extended edition

# ? Jan 6, 2021 13:14

Splicer: Oct 16, 2006; from hell's heart I cast at thee
🧙🐀🧹🌙🪄🐸

steinrokkan posted:

Want to see a faithful porn parody of The Silmarillion

sil my rillion

I just wanted to join in ok

# ? Jan 6, 2021 13:40

IUG: Jul 14, 2007

Fleta Mcgurn posted:

ha ha ha ha hobi tit

IIRC there's also Sourass the farting wizard.

I saw this in college. When they get to Mount Doom to destroy the G string it's literally the back stage of the set where some crew member takes it from the cast and throws it in a garbage can. Then another character shows up and says "the director wants us to shoot another orgy scene", so they do.

This company made a bunch of these parodies, and they're all entertaining to watch. The Planet of the Apes parody was the best one we watched, and a Spider-Man one too.

# ? Jan 6, 2021 13:57

Hodgepodge: Jan 29, 2006; Can't post for 213 days!

meriadoc and pippin were, of course, botanists who lived some four hundred years after the war of the ring. due to the success of their work with the ents, it is possible to hear a nearly firsthand account of the battle of isengard from one of the many clones and splices of treebeard which flourish to this day. naturally, such an influential tale had to be included in an account meant to establish a legitimate claim to historical authority.

# ? Jan 6, 2021 13:57

Splicer: Oct 16, 2006; from hell's heart I cast at thee
🧙🐀🧹🌙🪄🐸

Wait wait wait

The Railmesillyon

# ? Jan 6, 2021 14:06

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# ? May 27, 2024 05:38

Neddy Seagoon: Oct 12, 2012; "Hi Everybody!"

Splicer posted:

Wait wait wait

The Railmesillyon

"The Slamarillion" is right there :colbert:

# ? Jan 6, 2021 14:26

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