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Farside
Aug 11, 2002
I love my Commodore 64

Antivehicular posted:

Tantus is a reputable manufacturer and sells directly from their site.

Seconded. Just picked up a bunch of stuff for 50% off. Not sure if the sale is still going it not. From personal experience, customer service is top notch also.

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Levin
Jun 28, 2005


I generally trust these guys: https://www.ohjoysextoy.com/best-of-2020/. They list recommended vendors at bottom.

yigh
Jan 3, 2021

Turtlicious posted:

I'd like to get a little latin kick into my love life

Many goons have reported rubbing a little bengay onto your balls before sex works very well for this, the higher temperature increases blood flow into the penis.

:what: Is this true?

I have heard that bengay on the balls can be quite painful.

syntaxfunction
Oct 27, 2010
I would like some advice, and I will preface this with yes, I am seeing a therapist.

My issue is I don't really have feeling during sex. I'm a trans woman for reference, and my dick works fine, but I don't have any real sensation and my body is just sort of numb. I have difficulties with even being able to tell if I've entered and while I can tell when I bottom it just feels intense and a bit uncomfortable, not bad but not good?

I admit I'm a bit jealous when I hear other trans women talk about HRT making them so much more sensitive and amplifying physical feelings. I'm still as dead physically as I was before.

I don't have bad sex, I enjoy it, but only because it makes me feel fulfilled by knowing my partner is enjoying it, and I've grown to enjoy the power aspect. But an orgasm is difficult to achieve, over in a millisecond and is more relief of tension than any good feeling.

Basically, is there anything I can do to make sex, I guess, more normal? Different strokes I know, but I'm at the point where sex is a thing for others and is a commitment for something I don't get anything physical out of, and I'd like to change that if possible.

Thanks y'all.

trilobite terror
Oct 20, 2007
BUT MY LIVELIHOOD DEPENDS ON THE FORUMS!

syntaxfunction posted:

I would like some advice, and I will preface this with yes, I am seeing a therapist.

My issue is I don't really have feeling during sex. I'm a trans woman for reference, and my dick works fine, but I don't have any real sensation and my body is just sort of numb. I have difficulties with even being able to tell if I've entered and while I can tell when I bottom it just feels intense and a bit uncomfortable, not bad but not good?

I admit I'm a bit jealous when I hear other trans women talk about HRT making them so much more sensitive and amplifying physical feelings. I'm still as dead physically as I was before.

I don't have bad sex, I enjoy it, but only because it makes me feel fulfilled by knowing my partner is enjoying it, and I've grown to enjoy the power aspect. But an orgasm is difficult to achieve, over in a millisecond and is more relief of tension than any good feeling.

Basically, is there anything I can do to make sex, I guess, more normal? Different strokes I know, but I'm at the point where sex is a thing for others and is a commitment for something I don't get anything physical out of, and I'd like to change that if possible.

Thanks y'all.

Do you smoke weed? Are you amenable to smoking weed? Alternatively, you sound physically depressed. Have you been on antidepressants? Are you on them currently? An ex partner of mine was almost entirely anorgasmic until she tapered off of Effexor (SNRIs are terrible for this) and then it became almost shockingly easy to get her to climax for a while. How’s your physical health? Are you fit? Are you particularly unfit? Do you find sex tiring and strenuous in a bad way? Do you masturbate? Did you do so in the past/more frequently in the past? Do you notice any major differences in your internal state, what you think about, etc between sex and masturbating?

syntaxfunction
Oct 27, 2010

Ok Comboomer posted:

Do you smoke weed? Are you amenable to smoking weed? Alternatively, you sound physically depressed. Have you been on antidepressants? Are you on them currently? An ex partner of mine was almost entirely anorgasmic until she tapered off of Effexor (SNRIs are terrible for this) and then it became almost shockingly easy to get her to climax for a while. How’s your physical health? Are you fit? Are you particularly unfit? Do you find sex tiring and strenuous in a bad way? Do you masturbate? Did you do so in the past/more frequently in the past? Do you notice any major differences in your internal state, what you think about, etc between sex and masturbating?

I smoke rarely, like a couple times a year. I'm on anti depressants for OCD, specifically Sertraline. But it's been like this my life to be honest. I've been on and off ADs for most of my life and it makes no difference.

I'm not super fit right now, but I'm not unfit, just average. I don't get winded using the stairs and I walk a lot (I don't have a car). Sex is not really tiring unless I have to be energetic for a long time (hour plus of active movement like thrusting etc).

I rarely masturbate. Even in my teenage years I masturbated maybe once a week or two? I thought the idea of people masturbating daily was terrifying and a joke until I found out it's pretty average. At this point I might masturbate once a month or so. And I call it a utility wank, cause it doesn't feel particularly good by I get mentally aroused and figure I ought to sometimes haha.

I don't really think about sex or masturbating. I think about sex like "I want to make my partner feel really good" and masturbation is "yeah let's get this over with".

My first experience was a girlfriend when I was 18. She had a libido and we did not match but it was nice when she liked what I did. Then I didn't have sex til I was 28, cause I didn't really care.

Bollock Monkey
Jan 21, 2007

The Almighty
If you've never been very driven by sex or very into sex, maybe you fall somewhere on the ace/demi part of the sexuality spectrum? And maybe that's ok?

Standard Dan Savage advice is to try to get a little buzzed on your drug of choice - weed and alcohol being the most commonly enjoyed - and to have some pressure-free, just-for-fun sex with yourself or your partner.

Are there other sensations you enjoy or could incorporate? Some people like pain, some people like temperature changes, some people like feeling restricted...

Have you particularly enjoyed anything in the past? Can you do more of that, or pick apart what you enjoyed and integrate that more often into your play?

Stroop There It Is
Mar 11, 2012

:gengar::gengar::gengar::gengar::gengar:
:stroop: :gaysper: :stroop:
:gengar::gengar::gengar::gengar::gengar:

When you say sex, are you specifically talking about penetrative intercourse or sex in general?

And is it possible that dysphoria is part of this? You don't sound like you have a ton of dysphoria specifically related to your junk, but I wonder if either body or social/role-related dysphoria are involved in any way. I bring that up specifically because of that numbness you describe, since that can be a coping mechanism or dissociative thing related to dysphoria.

Stroop There It Is fucked around with this message at 19:00 on Jan 3, 2021

syntaxfunction
Oct 27, 2010
I've had chem sex and besides feeling floaty and nice it doesn't change the physicality of sex if it makes sense. I don't really think I'm ace or on that spectrum, because I do thoroughly enjoy sex, just not at all for the actual physical use my dick bit.

I enjoy pain, but I'm not okay with it because it's less that it turns me on and more that at least I feel something. Also no one wants to be the person to hurt me, and I don't like hurting others.

When I say sex I mean anything. Penetration makes me think that someone lightly squeezes my dick and I wonder if it's in, and oral is like someone poured some water on my dick, and that's it. Stuff like that.

I guess trans is the broad term I use, in reality I'm closer to agender or whatever label you want to use. I don't really care for gender, and am happy to fulfill the role I need to, regardless of whether I'm being a masc top, or femme bottom, or whatever else.

I have a slew of psychological problems to be honest, was hoping for advice outside of "see a therapist", which I'm doing, but I realise it's a longshot.

KillHour
Oct 28, 2007


Do you feel like you have a normal amount of sensation for other, non-sex stuff? Like, do you have a normal pain tolerance, do you have issues with fine manipulation, can you feel heat/cold easily? Everyone experiences sex differently, but it's unusual for it to not feel like anything. If your partner is up for it, try having your balls and/or taint licked - it's far more sensitive than a penis and I find regular oral kind of meh too, so that might help.

You might want to consider seeing a regular doctor just to make sure it's not neurological.

Edit: as for having stuff up your butt feel intense but not "good" I feel the exact same way so I don't think that's really that weird. Just feels like I'm poopin' :shrug:. Outside of the butt is where it's at - eat rear end erry day.

KillHour fucked around with this message at 05:46 on Jan 5, 2021

AlbieQuirky
Oct 9, 2012

Just me and my 🌊dragon🐉 hanging out
Sounds like you just don’t like penis stuff or butt stuff. That’s a completely valid way to approach sex, if you want to have sex with partners.

syntaxfunction
Oct 27, 2010
I am usually in a state of semi-numbness honestly. I have a fairly high pain threshold due to it. Fine manipulation is no problem and I am very responsive to temperature. I've tried the licking, and it was okay, like the equivalent of a nice cool shower on a hot day. Not exactly erotic though haha.

Probably the biggest sensation (that's not sexual tho) is having fingers dragged on my body lightly while I'm very cold (under a fan, air con, cold night, etc) which invokes shivers and muscle spasms. I usually ask my partner to do that to me instead of sex often haha.

I've had brain scans and stuff which checked out. I am a bit of a nutcase, tho. I know I have DPDR (depersonalisation and derealisation) which is usually triggered during high stress or violent situations.

KillHour
Oct 28, 2007


At the end of the day, your brain is responsible for interpreting signals. If there is nothing physiologically wrong with your nervous system, you enjoy what you enjoy. Some people get no pleasure out of eating a luxurious meal, some people don't like rollercoasters and some people don't get off on sex. As long as the emotional connection is there and you enjoy doing it, keep doing what you like and try new things as you think of them. There's no wrong way to do it and there's no way you're "supposed" to feel when you do.

Edit: I don't think physical stimulus can be divided into purely sexual and not sexual. A light touch can be just as sexual as penetration if you treat it that way. Sexual contact feels good because it overloads the parts of our brain responsible for interpreting touch. Tickling can do the same thing. Touching my dick feels good but not in a completely different way than touching the back of my neck - it's just more sensitive.

KillHour fucked around with this message at 08:27 on Jan 5, 2021

syntaxfunction
Oct 27, 2010
I understand that, but I guess it's a bit of jealousy involved. When I'm with a partner and they talk about how good it felt, or when talking sex with friends, I get kind of sour internally. Why does an orgasm just feel like whatever? Why does everyone else get mush brained and jelly legged? Why is it so mechanical that I can think clearly as hell during sex? It does well for my partner, but I am just jealous of the responses everyone gets.

KillHour
Oct 28, 2007


There are times I'm super into it and it's just pure passion and energy and there are times I'm thinking about something else while I'm humping away, hoping she'll cum soon. Honestly, it has a lot more to do with being into it mentally and emotionally than it does the actual sensation of touch. Do you get horny? If you're not horny, you're not going to feel like that, even if everything works properly. The mushy leg thing comes from the anticipation and the mental part more than the sex.

Beachcomber
May 21, 2007

Another day in paradise.


Slippery Tilde
First off, you should make sure to get off at least once a week for your prostate health.

Second, and this is probably terrible advice, but if I were you I would be looking to get my hands on some lsd or especially mushrooms. Some kind of mental reboot to jiggle things around up there a little. Again, probably you shouldn't do this, especially without guidance from someone who knows what they're doing.

I have personally tried mushrooms, in Amsterdam, in the hopes it would help my anxiety and depression, but I threw up before they could do anything, so.

If they're ever legalized somewhere nearby I'll probably try again.

abske_fides
Apr 20, 2010
How to open up a discussion about not being satisfied in a marriage? We have differences in sex drives which is fine, I accept it. She says she's 100% satisfied sexually, but I'm far from it. I'm rather skeptical of bringing it up as well because she's very vanilla, and not open, while I'm feeling it's killing our sex life. We have a great relationship otherwise, but this aspect has been really killing me for years and it's coming more to a breaking point now. It's to the point that I honestly don't feel like she's attracted to me in that sense. She says the contrary but admits that she's about as romantic as a rock.

Beachcomber
May 21, 2007

Another day in paradise.


Slippery Tilde

abske_fides posted:

How to open up a discussion about not being satisfied in a marriage? We have differences in sex drives which is fine, I accept it. She says she's 100% satisfied sexually, but I'm far from it. I'm rather skeptical of bringing it up as well because she's very vanilla, and not open, while I'm feeling it's killing our sex life. We have a great relationship otherwise, but this aspect has been really killing me for years and it's coming more to a breaking point now. It's to the point that I honestly don't feel like she's attracted to me in that sense. She says the contrary but admits that she's about as romantic as a rock.

This is probably the last thing you want to hear, but she will probably never want to have more sex, so you need to become ok with having little sex, and probably less and less as time goes on. If you can do that without becoming a bitter shell of a human being, all your problems are solved.

Apparently menopause shakes things up, so you could always pin your hopes on that.

abske_fides
Apr 20, 2010

Beachcomber posted:

This is probably the last thing you want to hear, but she will probably never want to have more sex, so you need to become ok with having little sex, and probably less and less as time goes on. If you can do that without becoming a bitter shell of a human being, all your problems are solved.

Apparently menopause shakes things up, so you could always pin your hopes on that.

The thing is for me at this point it has nothing to with quantity, and everything to do with quality. I'm fine if it's not that often, especially as menopause is probably approaching in the next few years. But when the quality is just ugh.... it's been really difficult.

Beachcomber
May 21, 2007

Another day in paradise.


Slippery Tilde

abske_fides posted:

The thing is for me at this point it has nothing to with quantity, and everything to do with quality. I'm fine if it's not that often, especially as menopause is probably approaching in the next few years. But when the quality is just ugh.... it's been really difficult.

Yeah, that really sucks. Unfortunately I think improving things qualitatively is even less likely. It's not like you can set benchmark standards for her to meet.

I'd say step one is sitting down and making it clear that you feel unloved and it is absolutely killing you inside, and that you both, working together, need to figure out a way to change this.

If she's not interested in putting in any effort then you pretty much have your answer.

trilobite terror
Oct 20, 2007
BUT MY LIVELIHOOD DEPENDS ON THE FORUMS!

abske_fides posted:

How to open up a discussion about not being satisfied in a marriage? We have differences in sex drives which is fine, I accept it. She says she's 100% satisfied sexually, but I'm far from it. I'm rather skeptical of bringing it up as well because she's very vanilla, and not open, while I'm feeling it's killing our sex life. We have a great relationship otherwise, but this aspect has been really killing me for years and it's coming more to a breaking point now. It's to the point that I honestly don't feel like she's attracted to me in that sense. She says the contrary but admits that she's about as romantic as a rock.

Do you have a therapist? Have you talked to them about it? Has your body or affect changed much over your relationship? Weight gain/loss? Hair changes?

Whatever you do, do not take her out on a nice dinner date in order to have this conversation.

abske_fides posted:

The thing is for me at this point it has nothing to with quantity, and everything to do with quality. I'm fine if it's not that often, especially as menopause is probably approaching in the next few years. But when the quality is just ugh.... it's been really difficult.

This is probably never going to get better. People can incorporate toys, different activities, fetish play, specific actions/words/scenarios/etc, but you can’t fake sex drive or the passion mechanics of sex long term. Like, maybe you get your wife to take a more proactive role and be more mindful of your needs but it’s not nearly a 1-1 replacement for desire and enthusiasm. It’s very hard to fake a high sex drive, I’ve heard that scheduling sex and treating it explicitly like a bonding activity (like if you have a thing where you always walk in the park together on Mon/Wed/Fri, maybe you set up a thing where you always budget 2 hours every Saturday or whatever for sex) can help a lot (same way that kids who develop a habit of masturbating frequently during the week tend to have higher sex drives as adults, and vice versa, the feedback loop goes both ways).

It may be that she’s depressed or has had a hormonal sex drive change/issue which could be impacting things. Maybe there’s a medication she’s taking/been taking that affects arousal. Maybe it’s something she’s been taking for years, possibly before you got married. There are tons of cases where couples meet, fall in love, and get married all while one of the parties is taking a medication. Then five years into the marriage, the medication is changed or dropped and suddenly their sex drive and arousal curve changes massively and it fundamentally changes the dynamic of the marriage, possibly for better possibly for worse.

It’s very hard to know or figure out, and without explicit personal desire to be more sexual on her end, or without a period of better/more frequent/more passionate sex in the past to aspire to, it’s even harder.

Talk to a therapist for advice and personal assessment of you and your wants (it might be that you want something that your wife actually can’t give you), mentally prepare yourself to talk to a couples counselor or sex therapist, and then tell your wife that you’d like to work out some concerns about your relationship (don’t phrase it like this, I’m morning phoneposting). I would encourage you to eventually see a couples counselor with her if you’re not sure of how to broach this and look for a solution by yourself.

There is a possibility that things get better, or more agreeable to you, but know that this is also probably one of those “dog will/won’t hunt” situations where you two might just be the people that you are, and you’ll have to figure out what that means for you personally and for the both of you in a relationship.

whydirt
Apr 18, 2001


Gaz Posting Brigade :c00lbert:
Yeah there's no silver bullet here. Direct communication about your needs, therapy (for you and potentially as a couple), and the self-reflection to figure out if this is a deal-breaker if nothing changes are what you need.

abske_fides
Apr 20, 2010
........

abske_fides fucked around with this message at 13:45 on May 23, 2022

Beachcomber
May 21, 2007

Another day in paradise.


Slippery Tilde

She's satisfied and not interested in satisfying you. Have a heart to heart, but things will not change unless she's willing to try.

If it helps any, this kind of story is fairly common.

trilobite terror
Oct 20, 2007
BUT MY LIVELIHOOD DEPENDS ON THE FORUMS!
Yeah, this sounds more like a “dog will/won’t hunt” situation

It’s like trying to get a partner “into” anal or BDSM or sloppy blowjobs or group sex. Like either they have that interest and are amenable to that sort of thing beforehand, or you have to decide for yourself whether you’re ok not having it or whether you want to find somebody else who will.

I’m really sorry dude. You have options, many are less extreme or difficult than others. It may be that you guys should break up, it may be that you need to come to an arrangement where you have some leeway to do stuff on your own, it may be that you need to get comfortable masturbating more and she needs to give you the space to do that.

Or, like Beachcomber said, she needs to put in some effort to meet your needs, although if your need is “I want you to really want it”, that might be tough.

If there isn’t something specific that you want from her, specifically (and it sounds like there is, tbh), then the “masturbate more” option isn’t that unreasonable. Some couples are mismatched in terms of availability and drive, but aren’t necessarily “incompatible”. If you’re having satisfying sex 3x per week, but you’d like to have it 1 or 2x per day and your partner isn’t physically available, then making up the difference on your own isn’t unreasonable.

Zedd
Jul 6, 2009

I mean, who would have noticed another madman around here?



I'd say give scheduling it a try, this might get the pressure she might have off her. Now she might be afraid every nice/intimate moment might make you wanting sex. And in your half if you don't get to get your hopes up you can also enjoy just being in the moment more. She doesn't feel pressure, you don't feel disappointed.

Ofc scheduled sex doesn't mean you (both) don't need to try and get each other into it but it frees up more casual intimacy and that might fill a bit of the gap.

trilobite terror
Oct 20, 2007
BUT MY LIVELIHOOD DEPENDS ON THE FORUMS!
Idk, if we’re having a sensual moment and there isn’t at least a baseline desire on both sides to get rutty (even if it’s only abstract, even if it isn’t acted on) then I’m outie 5000

PittTheElder
Feb 13, 2012

:geno: Yes, it's like a lava lamp.

abske_fides posted:

-Sex is basically just missionary, or sometimes her on top until she orgasms and then myself as well. There is little to no variation. She barely touches my genitalia at all, and if she does it's for short periods. She has said she feels like she doesn't know what to do. The variation we have is generally if I perform oral on her. Something that I love to do, but she sometimes seems a bit uncomfortable with it because she says she's not "fresh". Gentle encouragement and saying we can always take the time to do so hasn't really changed anything at all. She says she is satisfied with the sex we have. We have as much foreplay as she wants, and honestly it could actually be longer imho as it just delays the pleasure which is good.
-She knows I would like sex more, but the issue for me isn't really the number of times, I just want to feel more sexually fulfilled honestly. I never pressure her into more sex, and she knows that I would never do so (something that has been explicitly discussed and she mentions that she is thankful for that). And actually, I would have no problem with how often we had sex if it was actually fulfilling.

I'm less down than other posters seem to be on the topic, but do you know what it is that you'd want her to try doing to you? How does she feel about porn? I've had some success with watching porn together while lightly fooling around, just so she has a good sense of what it is you want her to do. That's assuming it's really an issue of her not knowing what you want anyway. But I've also known girls who only wanted me to get off on loving them (rather than them doing me as it were), and it's no fun.

Either way probably go see a sex therapist, because this seems like a relationship worth working for, might as well get a professional involved.

abske_fides
Apr 20, 2010
....

abske_fides fucked around with this message at 13:44 on May 23, 2022

whydirt
Apr 18, 2001


Gaz Posting Brigade :c00lbert:
As a middle aged dude with a toddler in the middle of a pandemic, I’ll say that scheduling sex is cool and good

https://youtu.be/WGOohBytKTU

gariig
Dec 31, 2004
Beaten into submission by my fiance
Pillbug

abske_fides posted:

Scheduling is something she has suggested,

I remember seeing this article about it my backlog of articles

trilobite terror
Oct 20, 2007
BUT MY LIVELIHOOD DEPENDS ON THE FORUMS!

abske_fides posted:

Scheduling is something she has suggested, but I'm a bit skeptical about it exactly to not put pressure on her which is important. I don't want sex to be something she feels pressure about at all honestly. However, she's also much more of a reactive person when it comes to libido, or at least so she says. I of course have some interests, but I'm not interested in getting her to try specific things at all, I would just like a more varied and healthy sex life that can leave us more satisfied, whatever could possibly to that. She could honestly say any single fantasy, and unless it's something that would be a very hard limit for me, I'd more than willing to indulge for her. Porn is a definite no go as she finds it disgusting and degrading, and I don't think that would be a good way to approach the situation at all. I'm definitely considering a sex/couple therapist could be a good idea though. She's also not afraid that any nice moment we have can turn into me trying to have sex at all, as I respect those boundaries and won't try to initiate unless I really think there's a chance.

I could never be married to somebody like that. Imagine having to walk on eggshells just about *suggesting* the initiation of sex. You describe sex and suggesting sex like it’s an intrusion in her day.

“She's also not afraid that any nice moment we have can turn into me trying to have sex at all, as I respect those boundaries and won't try to initiate unless I really think there's a chance” is not the language of somebody who has a healthy sex life with their spouse, or even necessarily a healthy internal sex life themselves.

Have you never randomly had an amorous moment with a partner and fallen into having sex with them? Is the fear that your partner would become annoyed or upset at you initiating sex too much?

When I was a lad, I once dated a girl who thought that oral sex was degrading, who shuddered at the idea of pornography (even performer-owned independent stuff), and while she could frequently and easily be aroused (let’s call that a “reactive libido”), she wasn’t at all proactive and she had a ton of sex shame that she didn’t want to work through.

I painstakingly tried to work through that—she loved me and she was wonderful and fascinating, and I was painfully shy and with zero self esteem to speak of. Eventually we started a LDR and after a few months she dumped me.

The next woman I dated had a Kink.com subscription and referred to herself as a “blowjob and butt stuff enthusiast”. That relationship eventually ended too (although it lasted five times as long), but after having the latter I’d never go back to the former if you paid me.

That was an incompatibility, plain and simple, and no amount of work on my end was going to change that. You can’t fix your partners into being more like you’d like them to be. Nobody who abhors all porn and has zero exposure to the sex/kink world or media is going to magically become dramatically more sex-positive because their husband asked them to.

You can have more sex and schedule more sex, but if you want your wife to look at you with genuine hunger in her eyes that she isn’t trying to fake then you might need to get yourself a different wife.

Stroop There It Is
Mar 11, 2012

:gengar::gengar::gengar::gengar::gengar:
:stroop: :gaysper: :stroop:
:gengar::gengar::gengar::gengar::gengar:

Or just like... actually talk about what you want with her, and not through trying to pry a fantasy out of her that may or may not exist. I'm not saying this to be dismissive, because it's not easy to learn to talk about sex in an open and healthy way and it's clear that you don't want her to feel bad or to pressure her into things she's not OK with. You have an extra challenge in that your partner is someone who is most likely 100% vanilla and may not even have any particular fantasies. IMO the hardest part is making the conversation not be all about your (understandable) resentment or her failing you as a partner--though those would be a great thing to address with a couple's, or your, therapist--but focused on coming up with low-pressure, concrete new things to do together that she would consider trying with you. I think that's where you have to start to get to the point where stuff will be more fun and varied, and that does put the onus on you to come up with things to try. And with her saying she "doesn't know what to do", that makes me think you two haven't talked over the stimulation or activities you (singular, the poster) enjoy concretely? I know that's pretty common in straight couples, so I don't blame you--you're "supposed" to magically know what sex acts each other finds pleasurable without talking about it.

Re: the oral thing, female socialization bombards you with "vaginas are disgusting and smell bad" from a very young age, so even if she enjoys receiving oral, that's probably why she's so self-conscious about being "fresh" enough. It's great that you give her the space/time to freshen up if she wants to. She also may be self-conscious about doing a sex thing that only she "directly" benefits from--which is also Very Bad according to female socialization. She also may just not enjoy oral that much no matter how good you are at it, people are different in what they like.

I'd also encourage you not to think of sex acts as "foreplay" vs. The Main Event. I know you may just be using it as a word and may not think everything other than PIV doesn't count as "actual sex", but drawing that distinction devalues the other fun sex stuff you can do with each other than can be just as satisfying. If "having sex" on a given day means PIV for your wife every single time (though it doesn't sound like it's necessarily the case for you), she may not be up for it as often because, well, lotta people need to recover physically and mentally/emotionally from getting hosed, moreso than many other sex acts.

Anyway, I personally found couple's therapy very helpful for learning to talk about tough subjects like these, so if you have access to that, I would def recommend it!

PittTheElder
Feb 13, 2012

:geno: Yes, it's like a lava lamp.

abske_fides posted:

Scheduling is something she has suggested, but I'm a bit skeptical about it exactly to not put pressure on her which is important. I don't want sex to be something she feels pressure about at all honestly. However, she's also much more of a reactive person when it comes to libido, or at least so she says. I of course have some interests, but I'm not interested in getting her to try specific things at all, I would just like a more varied and healthy sex life that can leave us more satisfied, whatever could possibly to that. She could honestly say any single fantasy, and unless it's something that would be a very hard limit for me, I'd more than willing to indulge for her. Porn is a definite no go as she finds it disgusting and degrading, and I don't think that would be a good way to approach the situation at all. I'm definitely considering a sex/couple therapist could be a good idea though. She's also not afraid that any nice moment we have can turn into me trying to have sex at all, as I respect those boundaries and won't try to initiate unless I really think there's a chance.

The bolded sentence in particular definitely reads as a red flag in the relationship to me. Like sometimes nice moments turn into sex spontaneously, and sometimes one person isn't in the mood and says so, those should both be totally normal moments. Definitely talk to a professional about this. Potentially consider doing a session or two with just you too, it can be good to just talk it through without making it seem like you're trying to "fix" her or something.

If porn doesn't work, just try cuddling up in whatever place you guys like, and describe like one bedroom scenario you'd like to play out. You don't have to get it all out at once, just pick one, and just discussing something you'd like her to do to you should be a mutual turn on. Doesn't have to be crazy either, maybe it is just an everyday situation, you two get touchy, she does something to do you that you like while you're focus, then this escalates into your "typical" sex after a while.

E: VVVV ahh that makes sense

PittTheElder fucked around with this message at 02:50 on Jan 7, 2021

Anne Whateley
Feb 11, 2007
:unsmith: i like nice words
He only said that sentence because someone said this

Zedd posted:

I'd say give scheduling it a try, this might get the pressure she might have off her. Now she might be afraid every nice/intimate moment might make you wanting sex. And in your half if you don't get to get your hopes up you can also enjoy just being in the moment more. She doesn't feel pressure, you don't feel disappointed.
which is a common issue and common advice for couples with mismatched sex drives

remigious
May 13, 2009

Destruction comes inevitably :rip:

Hell Gem
Also it’s ok to not like porn. I personally just don’t find it sexy and I was able to learn about and indulge my husband’s kinks because he patiently guided me through things I had never tried before. The difference is I was and am willing to try those things.

trilobite terror
Oct 20, 2007
BUT MY LIVELIHOOD DEPENDS ON THE FORUMS!

remigious posted:

Also it’s ok to not like porn. I personally just don’t find it sexy and I was able to learn about and indulge my husband’s kinks because he patiently guided me through things I had never tried before. The difference is I was and am willing to try those things.

I think there’s a difference between not liking porn or not finding it sexy and finding it objectionable

remigious
May 13, 2009

Destruction comes inevitably :rip:

Hell Gem

Ok Comboomer posted:

I think there’s a difference between not liking porn or not finding it sexy and finding it objectionable

Yeah I agree, I just get tired of hearing that there’s something inherently wrong with all women that don’t like porn and felt compelled to say something.
On another topic, sex while 9 months pregnant has certainly been an adventure! It’s very difficult to feel desirable while being so round. I’ve been instructed that nothing goes into the vagina for at least 4 weeks after the birth and that is going to be tough too :(

KillHour
Oct 28, 2007


I've never been pregnant, but I can't imagine wanting to stick anything up there after what it's about to go through.

Also, you won't have time.

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remigious
May 13, 2009

Destruction comes inevitably :rip:

Hell Gem

KillHour posted:

I've never been pregnant, but I can't imagine wanting to stick anything up there after what it's about to go through.

Also, you won't have time.

Lol I just saw the new name of the parenting thread.

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