PYF: Funny Forum Quotes: Agent (7)47

The Something Awful Forums > Main > Post Your Favorite: Carefully Curated > PYF: Funny Forum Quotes: Agent (7)47

«‹›1268 »

Yngwie Mangosteen: Aug 23, 2007

Jedit posted:

That last one is a semicolon.

Yeah, it was kind of a half-assed post.

# ? Mar 8, 2021 16:28

Adbot: ADBOT LOVES YOU

# ? May 27, 2024 05:49

dobbymoodge: Mar 8, 2005

Paladinus posted:

I can type a post for hours.

Appreciated

# ? Mar 8, 2021 16:55

EasilyConfused: Nov 21, 2009; one strong toad

Jedit posted:

That last one is a semicolon.

Technically it's three-fifths of a colon

# ? Mar 8, 2021 17:32

Yngwie Mangosteen: Aug 23, 2007

EasilyConfused posted:

Technically it's three-fifths of a colon

Is that you, Mr. Palahniuk?

# ? Mar 8, 2021 17:33

EorayMel: May 30, 2015; WE GET IT. YOU LOVE GUN JESUS. Toujours des fusils Bullpup Fran�ais.

[Morgan Freeman voice]

Prince of Pickle posted:

In loving memory of Cornelius J. Langdon III.

You see, I've got this twin....or had this twin. He was practically everything I ever wanted to be, but I guess in order for you to understand this I'm gonna have to take you back to the beginning.
So it's 1986 and two healthy boys are born in a Red Cross Hospital. The firstborn, my brother, is named Cornelius. Ten minutes later, Arganaron is born....that's me. Thus begin the lives of two twin brothers, Cornelius and Arganaron. We lived a happy little life in a nice suburban community. One day in our 8th year of life we were walking home from school, Cornelius leading the way as usual. Cornelius turns to me and says "Hey Argy, why don't we try taking the shortcut today?" Now, I think right now is a good time to tell you that Cornelius was the daring twin whereas I've always been more rationalizing and careful. But, as usual, my pleads of protest against this brilliant new idea of Cornelius' prove to be useless. And, of course, I still tag along, because to tell you the truth, Cornelius was my only friend. He was real popular in school, but not me....I stuck to myself. So here we are, standing in front of this chain-linked fence. I say to Cornelius "Let's turn back and go home the usual way." Of course Cornelius doesn't listen. He starts climbing the fence. Within a matter of seconds he's reached the top and then three seconds later he lands artfully on the pavement on the other side. Another trait Cornelius and I never shared was coordination. He was always extraordinarily agile and athletic, while I was always fumbling around, clumsy as a bear. So I take a go at the fence. It takes me 2 minutes to reach the top, but I'm still proud of this little feat of mine. I extend one leg over the other side of the fence, so now I'm straddling it like a mechanical pony in front of the grocery store. Out of nowhere this dog comes and jumps at the fence, and I find myself falling, head first. But before I hit the ground I feels this sharp twang of pain and I'm still dangling with my head a couple feet above the ground. A few droplets of blood fall past my face. Then I see a little almond shaped pill fall with a splat on the pavement. Then another one. All of a sudden I realize that I can't feel anything between my legs. I look up to see that the sharp point of the chain link fence has penetrated my shorts....penetrated my scrotum, and torn it from the base of my penis to my thigh. I also notice that my penis is skewered on the point of the fence like a sheesh kabob. I roll my head back and vomit....it hits the pavement like diarrhea hitting toilet water. Then I realize that those two pills that fell to the a second ago ground are actually my testicles. Cornelius seems to be in shock, but he snaps out of it and tells me he's going to get help. He runs away, leaving me hanging on the side of the fence by the skin of my scrotum. Six minutes pass by....eight....fourteen. Suddenly I feel myself sinking a little bit. My genitals are burning with pain. I look up to see my scrotum slowly tearing even further. Then it happens, the last shred of skin holding me up tears off and I fall, head first on the pavement. Here I am, flat on my back....everything is blurry. I make out the skin of my scrotum still hanging on the fence....fluttering in the breeze. A little to the left of that is my penis....torn right out from between my legs. I've lost the pecker and the balls.
Ten years pass, I'm now 18. Cornelius and I are months away from leaving high school for good. Apart from our facial features, Cornelius and I have nothing in common. He's a lean, muscular football star with a deep, commanding voice. What am I? I'm an abnormally skinny, feminine boy with a high pitched voice that cracks if I talk too loud. Oh, did I mention that I have no chance in hell of getting laid? Not because I'm a loser....no not that. If that was the only reason I could at least go out and get a hooker or something. No....it's physically impossible for me to have sex....or even masturbate. I don't have a penis. How do I urinate? Well, the doctors implanted this special tube in my pelvic area. It's connected directly to my bladder so I can relieve myself whenever I want. But no, I'll never have sex. I'll never even have get to feel the pleasure of an orgasm. My only source of comfort is Cornelius. I look at him and see everything I could have been. It makes me love and hate him all at once. But he's a real understanding guy....he knows that I have my needs. That's why he lets me watch when he has sex with girls. At first they're weirded out, but Cornelius is a charismatic guy. He explains the situation and in 10 minutes tops I'm allowed to take my seat in the corner watching Cornelius do his magic. That could've been me, I tell myself. I would've had the looks....we're twins. But that goddammed accident ruined my life. It ruined my f*cking life.
It's the night after graduation. Cornelius is getting it on with this broad named Chella. He's taking his time....slowly working on every hole. Chella's irresistably sexy moaning fills the room. I sit in the corner in a reclining chair....just watching. All of a sudden I can't take it anymore. I pick up Cornelius' baseball bat (did I mention he was an all star baseball player?). Cornelius sees me....this isn't the first time something like this has happened. He tries to calm me down and still f*ck Chella at the same time. I've never felt like this before. I feel like....like I wanna kill Chella. I gotta kill Chella. Stop that f*cking moaning b*tch. I smash her skull in. Blood splatters my face. Cornelius is in shock....still thrusting back and forth into the dead corpse that was Chella. Then he says "What the f*ck did you just do Argy?" I can't take it. How dare he? It's his fault....all his fault that I'm like this. I swing the baseball bat as hard as I can at his head. He falls instantly, legs crumpled underneath him. I bend down and tug at his penis....still warm and wet from being inside Chella. I pull as hard as I can. I keep pulling....I can feel it tearing. Pay dirt....it's off. I eat it. Yes....I feast on it. Then I vomit. I'm sorry Cornelius....my brother....my friend. How sorry I am.

(USER WAS BANNED FOR THIS POST)

# ? Mar 8, 2021 17:40

Marcade: Jun 11, 2006; Who are you to glizzy gobble El Vago's marshmussy?

EasilyConfused posted:

Technically it's three-fifths of a colon

Ah yes, the Three-Fifths Colonpromise.

# ? Mar 8, 2021 17:55

Biplane: Jul 18, 2005

EorayMel posted:

[Morgan Freeman voice]

What in tarnation :catstare:

# ? Mar 8, 2021 18:03

Paladinus: Jan 11, 2014; heyHEYYYY!!!

Yeah, what kind of name is Arganaron?

# ? Mar 8, 2021 18:22

Lil Swamp Booger Baby: Aug 1, 1981

EorayMel posted:

[Morgan Freeman voice]

Lol

# ? Mar 8, 2021 18:24

RFC2324: Jun 7, 2012; http 418

Fleta Mcgurn posted:

mine was shot off in the war how dare you

# ? Mar 8, 2021 18:44

Marcade: Jun 11, 2006; Who are you to glizzy gobble El Vago's marshmussy?

Captain Jesus posted:

It's always a treat when SMG appears outside of Cinema Discusso and shares his obscure wisdom on a topic thought to be outside his area of expertise.

SMG quoted me in that thread with something that has zero relevance to what I posted and I'm like, is this what it's like to post in Cine D? Those poor bastards.

# ? Mar 8, 2021 20:35

flavor.flv: Apr 18, 2008; I got a letter from the government the other day
opened it, read it
it said they was bitches

Captain Monkey posted:

Is that you, Mr. Palahniuk?

# ? Mar 8, 2021 21:23

Clitch: Feb 26, 2002; I lived through
Donald Trump's presidency
and all I got was
this lousy virus

Fleta Mcgurn posted:

mine was shot off in the war how dare you

# ? Mar 9, 2021 00:01

the holy poopacy: May 16, 2009; hey! check this out; Fun Shoe

In a discussion about Swedish friendly fire deaths:

Comrade Koba posted:

the best part was when they found out both the officers who died got friendly fire�d by their own machinegunner

tribbledirigible posted:

Understandable. From what I've seen, the left hand is not usually controlled by the same puppeteer as the right hand- thus leading such tragedy.

# ? Mar 9, 2021 06:12

3D Megadoodoo: Nov 25, 2010

Paladinus posted:

Except it is complete nonsense, and he conflates the origin and proliferation of the name Bigfoot and the origin of the creature itself as a folklore character. It's like saying that Bram Stoker invented vampires.

Name a vampire like a dracula from before Stoker's dracula-like vampire (who was, koinkidinkily, called Dracula :eyepop:

)?

e: Oh there were like 40 000 more posts about it, sorry.

# ? Mar 9, 2021 08:54

Paladinus: Jan 11, 2014; heyHEYYYY!!!

3D Megadoodoo posted:

Name a vampire like a dracula from before Stoker's dracula-like vampire (who was, koinkidinkily, called Dracula )?

e: Oh there were like 40 000 more posts about it, sorry.

John (or it's regional equivalent) is a common enough name, I'm sure there were at least several vampire Johns.

# ? Mar 9, 2021 10:51

Hodgepodge: Jan 29, 2006; Can't post for 213 days!

3D Megadoodoo posted:

Name a vampire like a dracula from before Stoker's dracula-like vampire (who was, koinkidinkily, called Dracula )?

e: Oh there were like 40 000 more posts about it, sorry.

Camilla

totally wikipediaed that one. it turns out dracula emerged out of a vampire genre of sorts.

there's some discussion of the coalescence of the "bigfoot" character in the cryptid thread if you're interested in discussion of a similar process

# ? Mar 9, 2021 11:16

Ghost Leviathan: Mar 2, 2017; Exploration is ill-advised.

Weird thing about Dracula is that the original book is really a far cry from what you'd expect from its adaptations, it's a first-person epistolary narrative that was basically a techno-thriller for its day with the constant showing off of cutting-edge technology. Also, there's a cowboy in it.

# ? Mar 9, 2021 11:31

Well What Now: Nov 10, 2016; by Fluffdaddy; Shredded Hen

Captain Jesus posted:

It's always a treat when SMG appears outside of Cinema Discusso and shares his obscure wisdom on a topic thought to be outside his area of expertise.

This is rancid and you should be humiliated to have posted this.

# ? Mar 9, 2021 12:00

Jedit: Dec 10, 2011; Proudly supporting vanilla legends 1994-2014

Ghost Leviathan posted:

Weird thing about Dracula is that the original book is really a far cry from what you'd expect from its adaptations, it's a first-person epistolary narrative that was basically a techno-thriller for its day with the constant showing off of cutting-edge technology. Also, there's a cowboy in it.

Not only is there a cowboy in it - well, an American, he's not exactly a cowboy - but he's the one who kills Dracula. 90 years of movies have taught us that Abraham van Helsing killed Dracula with a wooden stake and a crucifix, but actually Quincey Morris did it with a Bowie knife while van Helsing never even went on the mission because he was too old.

# ? Mar 9, 2021 13:33

3D Megadoodoo: Nov 25, 2010

Jedit posted:

Not only is there a cowboy in it - well, an American, he's not exactly a cowboy - but he's the one who kills Dracula. 90 years of movies have taught us that Abraham van Helsing killed Dracula with a wooden stake and a crucifix, but actually Quincey Morris did it with a Bowie knife while van Helsing never even went on the mission because he was too old.

I've never seen a Dracula movie to the end because they're all really loving boring.

# ? Mar 9, 2021 13:38

barbecue at the folks: Jul 20, 2007

3D Megadoodoo posted:

I've never seen a Dracula movie to the end because they're all really loving boring.

You can say many things about one of Mel Brook's worst turds but it definitely wasn't boring

I miss Leslie Nielsen.

# ? Mar 9, 2021 13:42

Fleta Mcgurn: Oct 5, 2003; Porpoise noise continues.

barbecue at the folks posted:

You can say many things about one of Mel Brook's worst turds but it definitely wasn't boring

I miss Leslie Nielsen.

People can shade as much as they want but I'll always laugh at that movie.

# ? Mar 9, 2021 14:37

Mr. Sunshine: May 15, 2008; This is a scrunt that has been in space too long and become a Lunt (Long Scrunt); Fun Shoe

Straight White Shark posted:

In a discussion about Swedish friendly fire deaths:

I didn't get this in the original thread - is it a Swedish Chef joke?

# ? Mar 9, 2021 17:17

the holy poopacy: May 16, 2009; hey! check this out; Fun Shoe

Mr. Sunshine posted:

I didn't get this in the original thread - is it a Swedish Chef joke?

Yes, it's an accurate description of how the Swedish Chef puppet is operated.

# ? Mar 9, 2021 23:00

Lysistrata: Sep 12, 2003; Anyone who truly believes he has friends is a fool.

HONG KONG SLUMLORD posted:

“Ugh... how dare they muddle our bloodlines” says the family who looks like someone slapped the ever-living gently caress out of the Morrowind character creator.

That is one beautiful insult.

# ? Mar 9, 2021 23:27

Inexplicable Humblebrag: Sep 20, 2003

i assume they mean oblivion, as morrowind just had you pick a race and a face. and i will not have it associated with the british royal family

# ? Mar 10, 2021 00:05

Kitfox88: Aug 21, 2007; Anybody lose their glasses?

shame on an IGA posted:

This non-glowing plutonium is substantially more dangerous and this photo prompted congressional hearings. Can you spot the problem?

FogHelmut posted:

Lack of a flared base.

# ? Mar 10, 2021 00:16

Zetsubou-san: Jan 28, 2015; Cruel Bifaunidas demanded that you [stand]🧍 I require only that you [kneel]🧎

later on in the same thread:

Cartoon Man posted:

OSHA IV: Yeah okay alright I�ll call a professional

HugeGrossBurrito posted:

lol im trying to change the title to this but im getting a weird invalid characters error. Seemed fitting for the osha thread

HugeGrossBurrito posted:

got it to work ur apple apostrophe broke the forums thanks

Chamale posted:

Another example of the dangers of radium

# ? Mar 10, 2021 00:57

EorayMel: May 30, 2015; WE GET IT. YOU LOVE GUN JESUS. Toujours des fusils Bullpup Fran�ais.

Jeffrey of YOSPOS posted:

Whose woods these are I think I know.
His house is in the village though;
He will not mind me stopping here,
To use his wifi to poo poo post.

# ? Mar 10, 2021 18:08

darthbob88: Oct 13, 2011; YOSPOS

Lysistrata posted:

That is one beautiful insult.

I can't find the tweet, but somebody pointed out that you can tell how powerful racism is when you look at Meghan Markle, and you look at the royal family, and they're worried the baby will look like her.

E: https://twitter.com/crookedroads770/status/1368742459174383617?s=19

darthbob88 has a new favorite as of 18:31 on Mar 10, 2021

# ? Mar 10, 2021 18:28

Outrail: Jan 4, 2009; www.sapphicrobotica.com

darthbob88 posted:

I can't find the tweet, but somebody pointed out that you can tell how powerful racism is when you look at Meghan Markle, and you look at the royal family, and they're worried the baby will look like her.

E: https://twitter.com/crookedroads770/status/1368742459174383617?s=19

But he's still in line for the throne, right? How many people need to go before he gets King Ralf'd?

# ? Mar 10, 2021 19:37

Platystemon: Feb 13, 2012; BREADS

Outrail posted:

But he's still in line for the throne, right? How many people need to go before he gets King Ralf'd?

Current six, I think.

# ? Mar 10, 2021 20:14

haveblue: Aug 15, 2005; Toilet Rascal

Yeah, he's in line for the throne in the same way that the Secretary of Agriculture is in line for the presidency

# ? Mar 10, 2021 20:23

DontMockMySmock: Aug 9, 2008; I got this title for the dumbest fucking possible take on sea shanties. Specifically, I derailed the meme thread because sailors in the 18th century weren't woke enough for me, and you shouldn't sing sea shanties. In fact, don't have any fun ever.

The son of Prince Harry and Meghan Markle, Archie, is currently seventh in line, according to Wikipedia. Four people, Prince William and his three kids, would have to die for him to be on the main line of succession (since William is Harry's older brother, and his line therefore takes precedent). And also obviously the three generations above him (his great-grandmother QEII, his grandfather Charles, and his father Harry) would have to die before he became king.

I've played a fair bit of Crusader Kings, so I can definitively say that Prince Harry's mistake was not plotting to murder his brother before he had three kids; now he's gotta do four murders if he wants to be in line for the throne, and that's a lot of work.

# ? Mar 10, 2021 21:03

BonHair: Apr 28, 2007

Didn't they quit the royal family altogether, effectively putting them and their offspring off the list of succession?

# ? Mar 10, 2021 21:11

Baron von Eevl: Jan 24, 2005; WHITE NOISE
GENERATOR
🔊😴

I think they quit royal duties, but harry's still closer to the throne than Charles' pedo brother.

# ? Mar 10, 2021 21:14

cock hero flux: Apr 17, 2011

DontMockMySmock posted:

I've played a fair bit of Crusader Kings, so I can definitively say that Prince Harry's mistake was not plotting to murder his brother before he had three kids; now he's gotta do four murders if he wants to be in line for the throne, and that's a lot of work.

harry's clearly decided that it's easier to just head to a powerful foreign court and try to get them to press his claims

# ? Mar 10, 2021 21:47

Yngwie Mangosteen: Aug 23, 2007

cock hero flux posted:

harry's clearly decided that it's easier to just head to a powerful foreign court and try to get them to press his claims

Pretender to the throne of England is such a badass term, he'd be a fool not to start using it.

# ? Mar 10, 2021 21:51

Adbot: ADBOT LOVES YOU

# ? May 27, 2024 05:49

Ichabod Sexbeast: Dec 5, 2011; Giving 'em the old razzle-dazzle

The only problem with being pretender to the english crown is that you run a very real risk of ending up with the loving thing

# ? Mar 10, 2021 22:06

The Something Awful Forums > Main > Post Your Favorite: Carefully Curated > PYF: Funny Forum Quotes: Agent (7)47

«‹›1268 »