PYF: Funny Forum Quotes: Agent (7)47

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Ugly In The Morning: Jul 1, 2010; Pillbug

EorayMel posted:

post here if you're a legend

I love the username on that one, it�s a reference to one of the funnier Supreme Court cases.

Morse V Frederick

# ? Mar 19, 2021 20:00

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# ? May 26, 2024 17:27

UwUnabomber: Sep 9, 2012; Pubes dreaded out so hoes call me Chris Barnes. I don't wear a condom at the pig farm.

EorayMel posted:

post here if you're a legend

I'm the goon that got Christmas lights photoshopped onto my Too Many Eyebrow Rings.

# ? Mar 19, 2021 20:40

Ambaire: Sep 4, 2009; by Shine; Oven Wrangler

Was checking my saved notes and found this legend of the forums. I forgot what thread it came from, but here it is in its glory:

Elise The Great, Musings on the Physiology of Elvish Sexuality posted:

First things first: we actually do know what elves called their dicks, because even the glorious JRRT couldn't keep his hands out of his pants. The poetic term (yes, elves seem to have engaged in erotic poetry) would be gw�, but for everyday usage gwib was the preferred term. Puntl is provided as the coarse, moderately transgressive term, and likely what you would be invited to suck if you went down on a male elf. Alas, due to the ban on the Noldorin language, we have no surviving slang for F�anor's johnson.

Second, if we assume that JRRT's intention is the guiding light for inferred details about the history and function of Arda, we are left with several clues as to the genital features of elves. In early drafts of the Silmarillion and pre-LotR writings that would eventually give rise to the War of the Ring, JRRT called them "gnomes" rather than "elves" � a detail that reflects his internal monologue about the race, and is consistent with his para-LotR writings about them, including mutilations, betrayals, incest, genocide, colonial violence, and misotheistic rebellion. His mental image during the construction of Ardan history was almost certainly closer to the Rankin-Bass imagery than to the Peter Jackson interpretation. Thus, we are left to choose between two distinct interpretations of the nature of elves: on the one hand are gnomes � a Paracelsean notion tied closely to alchemy � and on the other are their Germanic and Norse equivalents, nature and household spirits that include classic Germanic dweorgs (that is, dwarves), but with the added qualification of tallness as a common indicator of worthiness.

In other words, I distinguish here between the dwarf-figures of Greek and British mythology, which tend to be lusty, massively endowed pranksters, and gnomes/dweorgs, which are rarely cast in such a sexual light. Let�s consider these possibilities in turn, beginning with the Greek/British interpretation. Some textual support could be interpreted for the influence of Pan on the elves, given that Silvan elves (and their Rivendell cousins) are singing, dancing, merry-making, traveler-harassing figures throughout the books. If we adhere to this interpretation, then elves are probably packing huge veiny wangs that could put your loving eye out while you're trying to slip em the suck.

I feel, however, that it is more likely that JRRT would have viewed his elves as more romantic and less sexual. Certainly they reproduce at an exceedingly slow rate and for an incredibly small window of their adult lives. But given their prolific sexuality, a Panic elf would be extremely unlikely to live for two thousand years or more, and yet sire no more than three or four offspring. For this reason, we are most likely dealing with the less overtly sexual characteristics of a Paracelsean elf. This rules out giant Priapus-style horse cocks that are eternally bone-ready, and leaves us with less to go on than we might prefer, if we're gonna pour ourselves a giant silicone elf dick.

Ah, but now we've alluded to reproductive evidence about elvish sexual activity, and down this road we find some very interesting possibilities. For one thing, the gnomes of Paracelsus were closely related to the concept of the homunculus, and tended to be sexless or at most secondary-masculine (think garden gnomes). Given this, we can assume, in combination with the romantic, Victorianistic leanings of JRRT, that male elves were not afflicted with unwanted boners, and found it fairly simple to reserve their sexual activity to intramarital intercourse. Additionally, in the extracurricular writing �Laws and Customs of the Elves� (LACE henceforth), we find some fascinating aspects of elvish sexuality laid bare. For instance, it seems that elves are incapable of adultery, which actually kills them. They are also heavily implied to be incapable of masturbation, and are explicitly hesitant to remarry after the death of a spouse. This latter point carries over into the Silmarillion, in which F�anor's father seeks permission from the spirit of his mother (who had died in childbirth) to remarry. Clearly, something about their physiology and/or psychology is not compatible in any way with promiscuity, and indeed, the consequences of such promiscuity can be literally fatal.

The lethality of sex can, I feel, be best comprehended as an immune function similar to rH incompatibility between mother and fetus. It would, from an evolutionary standpoint, benefit a male elf (ellyn) to be certain that his offspring are actually his own, since their gestation and childhood are protracted and, as such, may consume a great deal of resources. This may have resulted in a gradual evolutionary arms race, in which an ellyn might conjugate not only his genetic material but also a dose of antibodies and/or chimeric B-cells, which are keyed to attack all sperm without his specific antigen set. In return, the female elf (or elleth) might perhaps develop her own antibody/B-cell dosage, but this then raises the question of how she is to confer those cells to the male, since transmission of microbes from vagina to penis is much less reliable than the inverse. I�m getting a horrible idea now, and will return to this point in a moment.

So, assuming that extramarital sex results in an autoimmune-induced death similar in mechanism to anaphylaxis, we can now ask ourselves: what about the other compelling aspect of elvish sexuality, that of interbreeding with humans? Leaving out the question of DNA compatibility � which is demonstrated in canon, and which we must accept as legitimate if we are to consider this topic at all � we have a disturbing question to address. We have multiple incidents throughout the history of Beleriand and Middle-Earth of elven/human offspring, all of which occur between a Man and an elleth. Given that the two species are capable of creating not only hybrids but fertile hybrids (Elrond produced three offspring), it would be absurd to imagine that, in all of Ardan history, there never arose a single ellyn-woman romance that had the potential to result in sexual intimacy and offspring. The only plausible explanation for this absence, then, is that there was something preventing reproduction between ellyn and woman that did not exist between man and elleth. The safest bet is not that all ellyn-woman romances remained chaste � anyone who's met a teenager can tell you better than that � but that ellyn-woman sexual activity is incapable of producing offspring.

This is extremely unusual, as the most obvious reason for sex-discriminant infertility is more likely to favor female humans than male humans. Human ova contain mitochondria, while human sperm consume their mitochondrial power for motility and so do not confer mitochondrial DNA to their offspring. If ellyn-woman pairings were the only ones that produced offspring, this mitochondrial explanation might have provided a plausible explanation. But since this is not the case, we need to find another reason for this asymmetry. Two possibilities come to mind: either something is happening on an immune/cellular level, which would seem to conflict with our immunological theory of lethal adultery, or something is happening on the mechanical level � something which is, perhaps, related to the transference of female immune material to the male partner.

Perhaps, to put it crudely, the ellyn just can't get it up.

In humans, the penis consists of several structures of erectile tissue which cradle the urethra between them. This specialized tissue is capable of interrupting venous return, creating penile engorgement and thus erection by trapping blood within the corpus cavernosum. This tissue is notoriously indiscriminant about stimuli, making it easy for male humans to ejaculate without even the participation of another human. Elves, on the other hand, can't even masturbate, an activity so universal among species with external genitalia that it's almost unimaginable for a species capable of poetry to be incapable of wanking. And yet human males can couple with elven females. This implies some weird-rear end poo poo, so I suggest you pour yourself that drink right now.

I propose that male elves achieve erection by external constriction. To have sex, they need some biological equivalent of a cock ring. Whether their penises are "innies" or just flaccid except during intercourse, they are incapable of restricting venous return on their own, and so require some assistance from the elven vulva. And yet, the elven vulva must also be compatible to some degree with penetration, or else man/elleth couplings wouldn't produce offspring. One may, if one is willing to consider extreme possibilities, entertain the idea that the elven vulva may exhibit some sort of mechanical trait that assists the ellyn in achieving erection by means of constriction.

In other words, there must be something unique about the elven vulva that allows it to induce an erection in elven males by restricting venous return through external strangulation.

Something that would not put off human males universally, although it might make man/elleth couplings rather rare, and so account for the relative scarcity of elf/human offspring.

Something that, because it is lacked by human women, would make it impossible for an ellyn to penetrate a woman, or to achieve orgasm and ejaculation with a human female.

Something that would even allow the elleth to reliably contribute internal disposition of antibodies and B-cells, potentially through urethral penetration of the penis.

The elvish vulva, my friends, consists of outer labia, inner labia, a vaginal vestibule opening on a penetrable vaginal canal, and a set of tentacles.

In elven intercourse, the vulval tentacles constrict and penetrate the flaccid penis, simultaneously permitting/inducing erection and depositing immune antibodies deep into the genitourinary tract, most likely the bladder, where they can swim up the ureters to the renal anastomosis and infiltrate the bloodstream. The erect elvish penis is then able to deposit its genetic � and immune � material within the vagina. Human females, having no corollary to these tentacles, can arouse a male elf and can even engage in non-PIV sexual activity, but can never obtain genetic material from male elves via vaginal intercourse; therefore, no ellyn/woman pregnancies occur.

For human females, this means you can have a hot elf boyfriend that will never get you pregnant, but he's likely to leave you eventually for somebody who can actually get him off. Male elves probably got the gently caress around in Middle-Earth, since they could chow down on human pussy for decades before settling down with a nice elleth who would get knocked up as soon as they exchanged fluids.

For human males, this means that you're totally capable of landing a hot lady elf, as long as you don't mind her tentacles crawling up your dick � and into your dickhole � every time you shark her in the rear end while she's asleep, and as long as you don't mind that she can totally cheat on you, and in fact might have chosen to gently caress you specifically because she can screw around behind your back without breaking out in a fatal case of hives.

In short, Aragorn was one kinky-rear end fucker.

In addition, beyond the issues so far discussed, we can also infer some other possible features of elven reproductive physiology. For instance, the meatus in ellyn is likely to be larger than in human males, since a tentacle's gotta fit up there. In addition, if there's a depression or groove in the penis for the tentacles to find, it's likely to be at the base, where the "ring" of constriction will be most useful.

With respect to testicular features, we know that labial and scrotal tissue are embryonically identical, and rely on a testosterone flood in order to develop appropriately. So, elf ballsacks (and probably the underside of the shaft) might also exhibit some vestigial tentacles. Kind of a fleshy fringe like a turkey�s wattles, but� you know� sexy. Moreover, stretchy scrotal skin seems to be both a function of cooling and a corollary to vulval/vaginal skin, which has to stretch enough to expel a baby. So in ellyn, you're probably still going to have the reticulated wrinkly scrotum and testes as normal, but there might also be some other tissue � similar to the vas deferens, but closer in structure to a lymph node � which produces or houses the specialized B-cells. So, male elves may have normal-looking testes, but with smooth lymph nodes adjoined (though it�s also worth noting that these might just as well be internal, like the prostate).

If you want to get really, really weird, and assume some correlation between elven and human vaginas, you might also posit (rather plausibly) that a male elf with tentacles strangling his dick isn't likely to thrust a whole lot, so the penis is more likely to operate best as a stationary stimulator with minimal movement, as opposed to a ramrod-style plunger. That means it's going to push hard against the anterior vaginal wall and press deeply into the pre-uterine pelvic region through the smooth muscle anterior to the cervix. Thus, we're looking at a fairly upward-curved, long penis that's bulkier near the base, with (once again, assuming human correlation) a pronounced and very sensitive frenulum that can, from minimal motion, produce adequate sexual stimulation for the male to achieve ejaculation.

Also, gay elves are gonna be waaaaaaaay into rope bondage.

As for female elves, it�s also possible that clitoral tissue is integrated into the tentacle structures. There�s even less textual support for this hypothesis of course, because JRRT was a Victorianist don and probably didn't believe in the existence of the clitoris. I mean, not that he was sitting around thumbing his chin and pondering the impact of rheseus-antigen immunology, but at least with respect to that hypothesis he would probably find some (nauseated and angry) spark of sense in a mechanical barrier to elves boning each other out of wedlock, whereas the mechanisms by which female elves achieve orgasm would be sociologically irrelevant to him.

I mean, if I was designing porno elf bajingae, obviously the clitoris would be the big gripping tentacle, although this might result in distressingly... prehensile shaft and glans behavior in the elven penis, since those arise from the same tissue. Eugh. It doesn't bear thinking about.

At any rate, if you read all the way through this drunken, giggling spiel, the silicone elf dick you're looking for is of normal to generous proportion, but it's strangled up and down with simulated tentacles, or at least constricted by a really tight cock ring.

I thought way the gently caress too much about this. I consulted the LACE about this. gently caress every last one of you for goading me into this nightmare of grisly overanalytic humiliation. I hope all your girlfriends catch you.

# ? Mar 19, 2021 22:48

90s Cringe Rock: Nov 29, 2006

It's canon. All of it.

# ? Mar 19, 2021 22:51

Phy: Jun 27, 2008; Fun Shoe

Arrested for slipping printed copies of elise's post into the back of the silmarillions at the bookstore

# ? Mar 19, 2021 22:54

Platystemon: Feb 13, 2012; BREADS

Ambaire posted:

Was checking my saved notes and found this legend of the forums. I forgot what thread it came from, but here it is in its glory:

It came from Dildomancer�s, a.k.a. Cichlidae�s A/T thread about bespoke, artisanal dildocraft.

# ? Mar 19, 2021 22:57

Zil: Jun 4, 2011; Satanically Summoned Citrus

Platystemon posted:

It came from Dildomancer’s, a.k.a. Cichlidae’s A/T thread about bespoke, artisanal dildocraft.

Where you could actually buy copies of said elven dildos.

# ? Mar 19, 2021 22:58

Carthag Tuek: Oct 15, 2005; Tider skal komme,
tider skal henrulle,
sl�gt skal f�lge sl�gters gang

Zil posted:

Where you could actually buy copies of said elven dildos.

who would buy elven dildos haha i would like to meet them

# ? Mar 20, 2021 05:55

Dareon: Apr 6, 2009; by vyelkin

Carthag Tuek posted:

who would buy elven dildos haha i would like to meet them

The people or the dildos

# ? Mar 20, 2021 06:01

Carthag Tuek: Oct 15, 2005; Tider skal komme,
tider skal henrulle,
sl�gt skal f�lge sl�gters gang

Dareon posted:

The people or the dildos

either or both, im just curious haha

# ? Mar 20, 2021 06:11

barbecue at the folks: Jul 20, 2007

20 Blunts posted:

My friend made this chick puke at the bar from his fart. Well, she was way too drunk already, probably going to puke anyway, but he made that poo poo erupt right there in the bar in front of everybody.

He is a large man, somewhat known for belting ones on tour buses, around campfires and in other loose social situations. "Will clear out the house" is one way I'd describe his flatulence.

This lady puked like the exorcist though. Best part was her boyfriend, initially shocked, got all excited in this weird way and was like "YO DUDE, I KNOW A COKE FART WHEN I SMELL ONE, DO YOU PARTY!?!?"

# ? Mar 20, 2021 08:41

BonHair: Apr 28, 2007

Zil posted:

Where you could actually buy copies of said elven dildos.

It was a whole thing in the dildomaking thread. Started out with a guy making custom dildos, ended (heh) in elf dildos. Highly recommended in terms of both dildos and elves.

# ? Mar 20, 2021 12:08

venus de lmao: Apr 30, 2007; Call me "pixeltits"

Platystemon posted:

a.k.a. Cichlidae

Seriously?! I took German classes with that dude well over a decade ago.

I thought he was a traffic engineer.

# ? Mar 20, 2021 12:28

Platystemon: Feb 13, 2012; BREADS

He admitted it in this thread a few months ago.

Cichlidae posted:

I guess after all these years, it doesn't hurt to say it: I am Dildomancer, I'm the one who made all the weird dicks. I still get PMs/emails on a pretty frequent basis from folks reading the thread for the first time. Props to Elise for turning a bizarre-but-ordinary thread into something great.

I need to catch up on the Medical Stories thread, but the original is why I make sure to get 3 Dunkin' Donuts gift certs (one for each shift) each time I'm in the hospital (for non-dildo-related reasons, I assure you.)

# ? Mar 20, 2021 12:33

BonHair: Apr 28, 2007

The War Queer posted:

Seriously?! I took German classes with that dude well over a decade ago.

I thought he was a traffic engineer.

In the thread he mentions dildo making as a hobby/second job.

# ? Mar 20, 2021 14:29

Ambaire: Sep 4, 2009; by Shine; Oven Wrangler

BonHair posted:

It was a whole thing in the dildomaking thread. Started out with a guy making custom dildos, ended (heh) in elf dildos. Highly recommended in terms of both dildos and elves.

Thanks for the link. .. that was in 2016?!? best thread on these forums; time to re-read it

# ? Mar 20, 2021 14:34

Cobalt-60: Oct 11, 2016; by Azathoth

drat. Ask/Tell used to have some great threads. We need to lure more interesting people in.

# ? Mar 20, 2021 14:52

Captain Hygiene: Sep 17, 2007; You mess with the crabbo...

The War Queer posted:

Seriously?! I took German classes with that dude well over a decade ago.

I thought he was a traffic engineer.

To be fair, movement through low-clearance tunnels is also relevant to traffic engineering

# ? Mar 20, 2021 16:19

Paladinus: Jan 11, 2014; heyHEYYYY!!!

The pony cum jar guy is a neuroscientist. You can never tell what freaks you work with.

# ? Mar 20, 2021 20:03

frankenfreak: Feb 16, 2007; I SCORED 85% ON A QUIZ ABOUT MONDAY NIGHT RAW AND ALL I GOT WAS THIS LOUSY TEXT

#bastionboogerbrigade

Paladinus posted:

The pony cum jar guy is a neuroscientist. You can never tell what freaks you work with.

Is he a neuroscientist or does he "work in neuroscience"? Could make a whole lot of difference!

# ? Mar 20, 2021 20:29

Heath: Apr 30, 2008; 🍂🎃🏞️💦

frankenfreak posted:

Is he a neuroscientist or does he "work in neuroscience"? Could make a whole lot of difference!

The same way Myrtar worked for NASA

# ? Mar 20, 2021 20:39

Captain Hygiene: Sep 17, 2007; You mess with the crabbo...

"I clean the brain jars, same thing really"

# ? Mar 20, 2021 20:49

Kitfox88: Aug 21, 2007; Anybody lose their glasses?

Captain Hygiene posted:

"I cream the brain jars, same thing really"

# ? Mar 20, 2021 20:56

Phy: Jun 27, 2008; Fun Shoe

frankenfreak posted:

Is he a neuroscientist or does he "work in neuroscience"? Could make a whole lot of difference!

Is it technically "working in neuroscience" if you're there to answer questions for the doctors and grad students and then they publish papers about you?

# ? Mar 20, 2021 21:04

Cardiovorax: Jun 5, 2011; I mean, if you're a successful actress and you go out of the house in a skirt and without underwear, knowing that paparazzi are just waiting for opportunities like this and that it has happened many times before, then there's really nobody you can blame for it but yourself.

Paladinus posted:

The pony cum jar guy is a neuroscientist. You can never tell what freaks you work with.

Speaking from personal experience, scientists are more likely to be weirdos than the average person anyway, not less.

# ? Mar 20, 2021 21:06

frankenfreak: Feb 16, 2007; I SCORED 85% ON A QUIZ ABOUT MONDAY NIGHT RAW AND ALL I GOT WAS THIS LOUSY TEXT

#bastionboogerbrigade

Phy posted:

Is it technically "working in neuroscience" if you're there to answer questions for the doctors and grad students and then they publish papers about you?

I was working from the assumption that it is.

# ? Mar 20, 2021 21:12

EorayMel: May 30, 2015; WE GET IT. YOU LOVE GUN JESUS. Toujours des fusils Bullpup Fran�ais.

loving bastards!!!

80s fastrewind posted:

Why are you messing with the site.I am contacting nick,and we are taking action.

(USER WAS BANNED FOR THIS POST)

# ? Mar 20, 2021 21:17

Inexplicable Humblebrag: Sep 20, 2003

i don't recall nick ever getting in touch

# ? Mar 20, 2021 21:58

My Lovely Horse: Aug 21, 2010

Phy posted:

Is it technically "working in neuroscience" if you're there to answer questions for the doctors and grad students and then they publish papers about you?

Well, clearly without you the whole operation would grind to a halt.

# ? Mar 20, 2021 22:00

Matlack Radio: Jun 2, 2006

Excelzior posted:

cradling the furher so these goons' terrible blows rain upon me instead

# ? Mar 21, 2021 07:42

EasilyConfused: Nov 21, 2009; one strong toad

Edgar Allen Ho posted:

Inceldom has way more to do with toxic personality than physical attractiveness.

The worst one I've ever known was tall and buff. He successfully gameified working out with the help of r/fitness.

Douche Wolf 89 posted:

I had a really similar roommate, real stealth-weirdo. He gameified his health and diet, got into alternative fitness stuff like bootcamps, obstacle courses and urban climbing. Dressed well, usually in all black but expensive techwear stuff that was popular at the time. Well traveled guy who could shoot the poo poo and was fine in conversation with the girls at work.

Then he started getting too into these weird communities called like r/ 3ECH and r/ JBA. He'd constantly set up dates with girls just to ghost them, bragging about being a tinder double agent. Final straw was him setting up cameras in our apartment to film himself sneaking out on girls he brought over, I was livid and called the landlord. loving splintercels.

# ? Mar 21, 2021 22:55

sebmojo: Oct 23, 2010; Legit Cyberpunk

Mother fucker

# ? Mar 21, 2021 23:20

Outrail: Jan 4, 2009; www.sapphicrobotica.com

Sneaking out of your own house seems like a great way to have some jilted woman trash your poo poo.

# ? Mar 22, 2021 00:58

Inexplicable Humblebrag: Sep 20, 2003

i don't think that particularly matters in a videogame

# ? Mar 22, 2021 01:03

sebmojo: Oct 23, 2010; Legit Cyberpunk

Outrail posted:

Sneaking out of your own house seems like a great way to have some jilted woman trash your poo poo.

lol

google the last word

# ? Mar 22, 2021 01:57

Outrail: Jan 4, 2009; www.sapphicrobotica.com

sebmojo posted:

lol

google the last word

JFC

# ? Mar 22, 2021 02:12

Scarodactyl: Oct 22, 2015

frankenfreak posted:

Is he a neuroscientist or does he "work in neuroscience"? Could make a whole lot of difference!

Neurologists have an increased risk of neurological disease.

# ? Mar 22, 2021 02:41

WITCHCRAFT: Aug 28, 2007; Berries That Burn

sebmojo posted:

lol

google the last word

this is somehow less believable to me than a gamer gym rat incel "smurfing" dating apps

he's pub stomping those vapid bitches, hiding his true MMR

imagine meeting such a person in real life

# ? Mar 22, 2021 05:30

Neddy Seagoon: Oct 12, 2012; "Hi Everybody!"

WITCHCRAFT posted:

this is somehow less believable to me than a gamer gym rat incel "smurfing" dating apps

he's pub stomping those vapid bitches, hiding his true MMR

imagine meeting such a person in real life

That one's a joke :ssh:

. Heed the spoiler tag's contents.

# ? Mar 22, 2021 06:00

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# ? May 26, 2024 17:27

barbecue at the folks: Jul 20, 2007

Amazing post, amazing reactions

# ? Mar 22, 2021 07:38

The Something Awful Forums > Main > Post Your Favorite: Carefully Curated > PYF: Funny Forum Quotes: Agent (7)47

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