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Inzombiac
Mar 19, 2007

PARTY ALL NIGHT

EAT BRAINS ALL DAY


Yeah, any dude that says he can confidently kill bare-handed anything larger than a ferret is a fool and soon a corpse.

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TITTIEKISSER69
Mar 19, 2005

SAVE THE BEES
PLANT MORE TREES
CLEAN THE SEAS
KISS TITTIESS




John Murdoch posted:

Both fighting bare/bear handed so it must be a fair fight.

ZixTheYeti
Jul 12, 2005

Hellarious!

Stexils posted:

i really want to hear those 13 peoples thoughts on how exactly they would win a fistfight against a grizzly bear


https://youtu.be/Z29qvp5QHy4

Neddy Seagoon
Oct 12, 2012

"Hi Everybody!"

Mr. Crow posted:

It's pretty easy how do you think they catch salmon?


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CVS1UfCfxlU

You just gotta surprise them.

Oh he did that bear dirty, goddamn :stare:.

Snowglobe of Doom
Mar 30, 2012

sucks to be right
In 2005 a 73 year old farmer in Kenya was attacked by a leopard and he managed to kill it by shoving his hand down its throat, grabbing its tongue and choking it to death.

Of course a dude who has been working the land in Africa for 50+ years probably has muscle density like aged oak so he'd be in an entirely different league than pudgy First World dudes

Aramoro
Jun 1, 2012




Didn't a woman in the US do the same to a mountain lion? Albeit she died later.

aphid_licker
Jan 7, 2009


A dude strangled one and survived, which is loving badass.

Bug Squash
Mar 18, 2009

Humans do have extraordinary stamina, agility and coordination, so they can take down animals with a choke hold that they have no right winning against. Even then you'd need a lot of luck and strength and odds are still on you'd get torn to shreds.

How the gently caress those guys think they're going to pull that off against an elephant is bewildering though.

Aramoro
Jun 1, 2012




Bug Squash posted:

Humans do have extraordinary stamina, agility and coordination, so they can take down animals with a choke hold that they have no right winning against. Even then you'd need a lot of luck and strength and odds are still on you'd get torn to shreds.

How the gently caress those guys think they're going to pull that off against an elephant is bewildering though.

A patient gamer with knuckle dusters, an elephants worst nightmare.

Dave Syndrome
Jan 11, 2007
Look, Bernard. Bernard, look. Look. Bernard. Bernard. Look. Bernard. Bernard. Bernard! Bernard. Bernard. Look, Bernard! Bernard. Bernard! Bernard! Look! Bernard! Bernard. Bernard! Bernard, look! Look! Look, Bernard! Bernard! Bernard, look! Look! Bern

https://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=Jeff%27s%20Kiss

Snowglobe of Doom
Mar 30, 2012

sucks to be right

Bug Squash posted:

How the gently caress those guys think they're going to pull that off against an elephant is bewildering though.

Elephants can flip cars with ease, it really is bewildering

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XMqUSHSKOeE

mobby_6kl
Aug 9, 2009

by Fluffdaddy
We know you can beat a kangaroo pretty easily

Nenonen
Oct 22, 2009

Mulla on aina kolkyt donaa taskussa

Bug Squash posted:

Humans do have extraordinary stamina, agility and coordination, so they can take down animals with a choke hold that they have no right winning against. Even then you'd need a lot of luck and strength and odds are still on you'd get torn to shreds.

A wild big cat attacking a human can also happen because the animal is somehow sick or crippled and can't catch faster game. Even then I would always bet on the cat even if it was trying to eat Chuck Norris.

canyoneer
Sep 13, 2005


I only have canyoneyes for you

WithoutTheFezOn posted:

Pointing out the bear is easy.

But 1 out of 5 guys think they could beat a chimpanzee? lol

A chimp will gouge out your eyes and bite off your nose and genitals.
https://www.esquire.com/news-politics/a5609/chimpanzee-attack-0409/

Memento
Aug 25, 2009


Bleak Gremlin

mobby_6kl posted:

We know you can beat a kangaroo pretty easily



The only reason that guy got away with it was that the kangaroo was utterly incredulous that anyone would dare step to it. In the full video you can see the guy, an experienced bushman, exit stage left before the kangaroo can get over the shock of the situation.

Platystemon
Feb 13, 2012

BREADS
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I8R50nvv5gc

I may be reposting this, but it’s a good video.

Snowglobe of Doom
Mar 30, 2012

sucks to be right

Memento posted:

The only reason that guy got away with it was that the kangaroo was utterly incredulous that anyone would dare step to it. In the full video you can see the guy, an experienced bushman, exit stage left before the kangaroo can get over the shock of the situation.

Yeah those swoleroos can get pretty ridiculous

Ghost Leviathan
Mar 2, 2017

Exploration is ill-advised.
Fighting animals barehanded is a lot like fighting humans barehanded; there's a good chance of an at best Pyrrhic victory and the smart thing for both is to run away.

Bug Squash
Mar 18, 2009

The chimp is easily the most underrated animal on that list. Having seen an alpha chimp decide another chimp was on his poo poo list, there's just no way a human is surviving. I think those 25% of men have a mental image that's a juvenile female, since those are the ones that usually get filmed on TV since they are less likely to go kill crazy if slighted.

King Cobra is most overrated. Just loving grab it's tail and whip that idiot against a tree.

Memento
Aug 25, 2009


Bleak Gremlin
I remember seeing the description of a video that was something "male chimps fight for supremacy winner eats then kills the loser" and I tell you this for free my Goons, I did not watch that video.

Bug Squash
Mar 18, 2009

Memento posted:

I remember seeing the description of a video that was something "male chimps fight for supremacy winner eats then kills the loser" and I tell you this for free my Goons, I did not watch that video.

:stare:

BiggerBoat
Sep 26, 2007

Don't you tell me my business again.

canyoneer posted:

A chimp will gouge out your eyes and bite off your nose and genitals.
https://www.esquire.com/news-politics/a5609/chimpanzee-attack-0409/

Article is behind a paywall but why does the link have it listed under "politics"?

Inceltown
Aug 6, 2019

BiggerBoat posted:

Article is behind a paywall but why does the link have it listed under "politics"?

My good friend have you heard the word of bypass paywalls addon for chrome / firefox?

Halloween Liker
Oct 31, 2020

by Fluffdaddy
I'm pretty sure throwing your own poo poo at most animals would give you the element of surprise, then its just bam...

Cartoon Man
Jan 31, 2004


https://i.imgur.com/KLGgRUi.mp4

Hyperlynx
Sep 13, 2015

BiggerBoat posted:

Article is behind a paywall but why does the link have it listed under "politics"?

Who said it has to be human politics?

Tree Bucket
Apr 1, 2016

R.I.P.idura leucophrys

Memento posted:

I remember seeing the description of a video that was something "male chimps fight for supremacy winner eats then kills the loser" and I tell you this for free my Goons, I did not watch that video.

"eats then kills" is some mega bad vibes

Memento
Aug 25, 2009


Bleak Gremlin

Tree Bucket posted:

"eats then kills" is some mega bad vibes

Yeah, I wouldn't have watched it either way, but the description itself was incredibly cursed.

Lobok
Jul 13, 2006

Say Watt?

Chimpanzees I wouldn't fight but I could take down at least one of the Monkees or Gorillaz.

kdrudy
Sep 19, 2009

I bet some if those guys saw Empire and figured that's how they'd beat an elephant.

Lobok
Jul 13, 2006

Say Watt?

kdrudy posted:

I bet some if those guys saw Empire and figured that's how they'd beat an elephant.

Oh man, I remember that. Taraji P. Henson hosed that elephant up.

John Murdoch
May 19, 2009

I can tune a fish.

Bug Squash posted:

King Cobra is most overrated. Just loving grab it's tail and whip that idiot against a tree.

Calling a dangerous snake an idiot is giving me a real severe case of the giggles this morning. Thank you.

All I can picture is some dude standing there taunting the snake. What're you gonna do you idiot? Get a load of this big fat stupid noodle, what a moron.

Man bitten by snake: What are you gonna do, bite me?

Lodin
Jul 31, 2003

by Fluffdaddy
https://twitter.com/met_egyptianart/status/1393250201687711749?s=20

Macdeo Lurjtux
Jul 5, 2011

BRRREADSTOOORRM!

Bug Squash posted:

How the gently caress those guys think they're going to pull that off against an elephant is bewildering though.

Beating an elephant is pretty simple really, you just have to do it one punch at a time.

flavor.flv
Apr 18, 2008

I got a letter from the government the other day
opened it, read it
it said they was bitches




Neddy Seagoon
Oct 12, 2012

"Hi Everybody!"

Macdeo Lurjtux posted:

Beating an elephant is pretty simple really, you just have to do it one punch at a time.

The problem with fighting an elephant is you potentially wind up with Tony Jaa coming to kick your rear end in revenge afterwards even if you win/survive.

ultrafilter
Aug 23, 2007

It's okay if you have any questions.


Pope Hilarius II
Nov 10, 2008

Bug Squash posted:

The chimp is easily the most underrated animal on that list. Having seen an alpha chimp decide another chimp was on his poo poo list, there's just no way a human is surviving. I think those 25% of men have a mental image that's a juvenile female, since those are the ones that usually get filmed on TV since they are less likely to go kill crazy if slighted.

Relevant story: my parents are friends with an eccentric elderly couple who used to keep a chimp as a pet (in the 1970s). Unfortunately baby chimp grew into an adult male and was jealous of the husband, and he attacked the husband. In an instinctive reaction, the husband bit back before they rushed off to the hospital to get the husband's bite wound treated. When they came back home, the chimp was dead on the floor, presumably from the septic shock induced by the human bite.

Philippe
Aug 9, 2013

(she/her)
Who died?

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CannonFodder
Jan 26, 2001

Passion’s Wrench

Velocity Raptor posted:

He used a kettle to pay for his pot.
An American would have used a microwave.

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