Telluric Whistler posted:

#blessed
Another horrific Hong Kong pizza delight, but at least I think the sauce is brown sugar simple syrup. It tastes like cinnamon toast crunch when you combine it with tapioca and milk.

Cheese, though...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-LyD_Aa2DPA

This is an okonomiyaki with bonito flakes, which is... kind of a pizza. It's pizza-esque. It also makes me queasy every time I see one, but it tastes very good.

Desperado Bones posted:

The bonito flakes are so loving, but so loving thin and light that the mere steam of hot food can make them wave.

ekuNNN posted:

oh that's a lot less grotesque than i thought.

StarkingBarfish posted:

Today I accomplished something in the name of art, in the name of science, and in the name of making the AVPN unhappy. I attempted to answer the question(s) 'what makes a bad pizza bad, and why are the swedes so good at it?'

We start with the first question: Is it ambivalence? Does a bad pizza need to be made without love? To answer this, I decided that preparation should follow closely best practice, so that we may rule out 'passion' or 'authenticity of form' from the equation.

As all pizzas should do, we begin with the dough.



While we could skimp and go for poor alternatives like locally sourced attempts at the real deal, these merely approach, rather than obtain, excellence. Caputo 00 'pizzeria' is the go to for the vera pizza napoletana, and so it must be used here.

Our preparation starts with a 24hr cold-fermented poolish:


Nothing more than flour, yeast and water must be used. The gentle action of the yeast in the fridge develops gluten and flavour complexity. After incorporating the remaining flour and water, kneading well, and turning out, we have our dough:



and after a further 48hrs of cold fermentation, we have the essence of the true neapolitan pizza, brimming with flavour, but more than this, brimming with potential:




Meanwhile, we must turn our attention to the oven. While the Mestre da pizza favours burning trash by which to impart his signature flavour, I am based in the UK, where doing so is frowned upon in residential settings. We must instead rely on burning detritus off-shore, generating electricity from this and attaining neapolitan temperatures of 470C+ by way of an overloaded 240 volt ring main:



Once our oven is up to temperature, we develop the signature of the true neapolitan art, the 'cornicione' by moving the bubbles of air formed by the yeast to the outside edges. This will contain our ingredients within the pie, and provide both a means by which the pizza may be held, and a refreshing palate cleanser between slices, the better to appreciate the ingredients we have selected:



And speaking of ingredients, only the highest quality can be used:



Organic sliced banana, select unsalted jumbo peanuts from a reputable supplier, and curry sauce. Here we have the trifecta of the vegetarian Swedish 'exotic' or 'african' pizza. There has been much written on the subject, and controversies abound, particularly regarding the inclusion of pineapple. I have chosen to forgo this, as the curry sauce is sufficiently sweet. After careful consideration I have selected a high-end supermarket brand british Korma to replicate both the missing sweetness, and the 'extra bland' flavour requirement that a truly authentic Swedish pizza experience must adhere to.
Our last ingredient, fiordilatte or cow's milk mozzarella, is cut and drained. To better replicate the Swedish experience, pre-grated low moisture mozarella should be used, but in my opinion this is akin to decorating the roof of St. Peter's basilica with crayons.



After stretching, the pizza is topped, with careful attention to the aesthetic, which is 'lurid yellow'. And so we begin the final process:



At these temperatures, 70 seconds is sufficient to develop a robust cornicione with excellent char. We are presented with our accomplishment: A Bad pizza, made with passion:



At this point, silence descends, the better to take in the majesty of what has been wrought. All that remains is to taste this creation. In the distance, singing can be heard, the introductory notes of Helan Går.


Tasting notes:
This pizza sucks. It's really loving bad. gently caress you sweden.

Hedenius posted:

While I applaud your efforts the curry on a Swedish banana pizza refers to supermarket curry powder.

StarkingBarfish posted:

Bacon and sprouts? ngl I would eat that pizza.

Cartoon Man posted:

Cartoon Man posted:

Cartoon Man posted:

I can’t enjoy hotdog in my pizza but I get that people do.

Cartoon Man posted:

Cartoon Man posted:

Cartoon Man posted:

davidspackage posted:

Pennywise the Frown posted:

I don't understand how a company can sell that and still be in business.

Even to drunk college students. That looks worse than school pizza.

Johnny Truant posted:

also, how do i get the Mestres da Pizza gang tag!? i would gladly sacrifice my be gay do crimes tag for it if necessary, or even just purchase it if the window for having it slapped onto my greasy posts has passed.

Aardvark! posted:

to get the new mestre de pizza tag you must quote this with a bad pizza that hasnt been posted here before yet. lets see some content goons

tags may take a couple days to arrive

Aardvark! posted:

to get the new mestre de pizza tag you must quote this with a bad pizza that hasnt been posted here before yet. lets see some content goons

tags may take a couple days to arrive

SkyeAuroline posted:

Offered without comment.

uber_stoat posted:

like, there's about 6 individual moz shreds on that one slice. and let's not talk about structural integrity. that is well south of half assed, you can really sense the total lack of giving a poo poo. very good candidate for this thread.

Desperado Bones posted:

This is a pizza slice, allegedly.

Desperado Bones posted:

I'm trying to decipher what's in it.

So far: bell pepper seeds, a single burnt black olive and a slice of zucchini.

Johnny Truant posted:

i'm slowly making my way through this thread, on page 50 currently, but i just realized i had to share my college town's awful pizza place, Alfano's Pizzeria. only good when you're drunk, and even then, it's questionable. only pizza photo i could find is this, which i think is supposed to be deep dish? complete with a ghoulish clawhand gripping a sad piece:

Desperado Bones posted:

I'm trying to decipher what's in it.

So far: bell pepper seeds, a single burnt black olive and a slice of zucchini.

Aardvark! posted:

to get the new mestre de pizza tag you must quote this with a bad pizza that hasnt been posted here before yet. lets see some content goons

tags may take a couple days to arrive

uber_stoat posted:

i don't know if this is still an ongoing thing but

which you just did so...!

Super Nintendo 64 posted:

Looks awful but if I was drunk I would massacre that thing and ask for another.