(Thread IKs:
Josherino)
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Ball Tazeman posted:So now what the he’ll do I do? I guess I’ll go back but keep looking. Talk to a lawyer, if you can handle the strain.
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Jun 2, 2021 22:19
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Ball Tazeman posted:I have two interviews lined up! Hey! Super awesome my friend. I know it can be tempting to burn that bridge, and I wouldn't blame you for doing it - I think it just comes down to whether or not you think it's worth doing so. Regardless, if it means anything - I got your back on any decision you make!
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Jun 3, 2021 02:52
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Zil posted:I mean if I am being honest, I have been fired from a psych before. But that was due to me missing four scheduled appointments in a row. Oh. Well, yeah, if you don't show up for your appointments there's no reason for them to keep trying to book them  But if it's for any medical reason or conflict, no, that's a bullshit move.
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Jun 3, 2021 07:05
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blatman posted:hello mental health thread, I have discovered that one of my meds was transforming me into a ball of white-hot unyielding rage Wish I could just stop taking my meds and the anger would go away. Congrats.
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Jun 3, 2021 16:52
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I figure I should check in with this thread. I bumped up my lamictal in increments of 25 up to 75, and I'm dealing with the vertigo. I've tried a number of mood stabilizers, and bounced off of them. I've been on this one twice in the past. I was on 400mg for years, which is a ridiculously high dose. On that dose, I managed to get my grades up and graduate undergrad. I got into grad school, and did well enough. I stopped when I accidentally took 2 doses in a day. I was out and about, and I took my emergency dose because I thought I had forgotten to take my regular dose before I left. Turns out I already took it. When I got back to my room, I was just laying on the floor till it passed. I went off the lamictal because I was worried about potential side effects, which can be very nasty. Quitting it cold turkey didn't give me any side-effects, but taking too much is very dangerous. The vertigo sucks right now, but I think lamictal is a useful mood stabilizer for me. My dad is a huge trigger for me, and he recently made some comments that would have made me angry and depressed if I wasn't in a better state of mind. As it stands now, I was able to just brush it off. We're getting along well for the moment, and have been watching Ash vs. Evil Dead. We even just saw the episodes where Ash encounters his dad, and it wasn't nearly as awkward to watch as I would have expected. I want to show him Evil Dead 2 and Army of Darkness. My brother was in town. We get along well for the most part. We shared the room while he was here, and it was OK. I like my space and my privacy. I like being on my own schedule. Having him over was a bit stressful, but it was overall nice. I had to clean up before his visit, which was definitely good for my mental health. All that movement from cleaning made me physically ill due to the vertigo, but I got through it. Politics came up a couple times. He's a centrist programmer who does very well for himself in Silicon Valley. I mostly avoid politics with him, and just try to let it go when we disagree. A few weeks ago, we had an argument about the Derek Chauvin verdict. He informed me that there was weak physical evidence against Chauvin in the George Floyd murder. I argued sarcastically and let him have it. I ended up apologizing afterward, and let him know that I don't want to talk politics in our discord channel. I'm honestly torn about how I want to engage other people about my ideological beliefs. I think it's important to speak up when people are supporting something that I view as wrong. I know I'm not exactly innocent, either. I indirectly support all kinds of horrible poo poo, but that's hard to avoid when I participate in society. I know my views are extreme compared to most of the people around me, and if I spoke my mind about every topic I'd end up burning a lot of bridges. I keep my mouth shut the vast majority of the time, but I draw the line when people voice support for state-sponsored violence against good people. I don't think a polite exchange of the facts as we each understand it would be enough to address the subject. It really bothers me when people think we should dispassionately discuss such evil actions, as if it's simply a difference in opinion. I want to be kind and respectful, and I want people to like and respect me in turn. I know a few people who seem like they are very non-judgmental and approachable. I know that's just my perception from the outside, but I've also seen evidence that a number of people are able to rely on them. I want to be more like that, but I have a tendency to go scorched earth when some subjects come up. I sometimes regret the way I delivered the message, but I have never regretted the act of speaking up for what matters to me. I tend to keep the angry political me separate from the supportive NAMI-going me. Hiding bits and pieces of me from different people takes its toll. I try to reserve my anger for those in power, but it's hard not to get angry when someone defends concentration camps or literal genocide. I honestly don't think being polite in those situations is the kind thing to do. I remember a close friend from NAMI telling people that she couldn't imagine me ever judging someone. I'm tearing up just thinking about what it would be like if she found out what I thought of her political beliefs. I could write an essay on the subject. It might help me sort some things out. I've been in some contact with my friend who told me her husband is abusing her. I was texting her, and offering to talk. She didn't always respond, or she would say we would talk tomorrow. I don't take it personally at all. I just want her to know I'm available to chat. She has a pug, and I managed to get a response from her when I informed her that 3 or more pugs are referred to as a "grumble." Her place of work is closing down before the end of the month, and I'll try to stop by before then. That might sound a bit over the line, but she works at a "wellness city" that is open for peers to come and go all day. I meant to go yesterday after my psych check-up, but I just went on autopilot and didn't think of it until I was already home. I find writing my thoughts down like this to be very helpful. It forces me to think things through, and putting these thoughts in a semi-public place makes me carefully consider whether or not my thoughts are true. This thread has a good balance of anonymity and connection for me. I keep saying it, but it's the one place where I feel like I can really be myself. I think highly of you all. Take care!
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Jun 3, 2021 18:50
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love your posts ULM. i used to have similar issues about talking politics to normies libs and chuds. its a huge piece of who i am and keeping it in felt like lying to myself and the world. the pain from that went away when i started going to school and learning how ppl work. then it really went away when i started seeing clients and really learning how people work. here's a vignette: bill is self referred for anger issues and comes in to the room every session with some kind of punisher thin blue line shirt and maga hat. he talks about how at the drop of a hat something in him activates and he lunges at people. he doesnt want to do that, doesnt like being out of control, has been to jail before for assault and doesnt want to go back. we spend maybe 7 sessions building rapport. we connect on making fun of libs. he probably thinks im a chud too but i never correct him or mention my politics, i only poo poo on libs with him and we laugh honestly a ton together at that. over time i notice he's one of the more sensitive clients that ive seen. not sentimental or corny but ultra thin skin. like his sense of self is incredibly thin. the psychic armor we all have around our minds, that kind of thing. his armor is centimeters thick. i poke a bit here, poke a bit there, but im stepping on landmines everywhere. if the rapport and trust werent in place, he'd lunge at me for sure. for my own safety i have to be careful not to go too far too fast. ive never been hit by a client but it happens. its strange because he looks at me with these puppy dog eyes every session. the eyes scream, "please be gentle with me" but also "i will loving murder you". one day he's monologuing about something or other i dunno. someone got cancelled and he didnt like it or whatever. he's talking but all i can hear is an issue with boundaries and trust. the unconscious works those in, even when he's talking about something else like social media or w/e. after he's done i dont validate him like normal, i just ask, "who broke your trust?". ofc theres resistance but the rapport is good so I ignore his non-response and ask again, "who broke your trust?". i dont even know the answer or if im on the right track but i figure whatever go with your gut. he pauses for a bit and finally explains how he was raped when he was younger, multiple multiple times by the same person. this event, combined with other trauma and with what his family system taught him (and the teaching was not consensual either) that when rules are broken, he gets hurt. someone broke the rules multiple times and he was raped. where's the anger come from? its "im gonna gently caress you up before you can gently caress me". it activates when he feels his boundaries are about to be invaded. they never are, but because of the trauma he's ultra sensitive and activates more often than is appropriate. at this point a leftist should be able to extrapolate from here where fascism and trump come in for Bill. backing the police too etc. "if u just comply with orders you'll be fine" etc and other chud nonsense comes in. logic is completely irrelevant b/c its a different and that part of the brain never takes precedence. ULM when you talk politics to people, chuds, libs, normies, and yes even leftists, you are engaging with the part of the brain responsible for keeping them safe. its literally the same neurons that tell him not to touch the stove or not to grip the electric fence. ttalking heads propaganda and debate lords try to obfuscate that fact and pretend its more complicated but its not. once i realized everyone is like this (even us) it didnt bother me so much. maybe its not always clear traumas like Bill's but living in america is a daily trauma on its own and the brain creates vital delusions so it can function. im not saying you shouldnt talk to people im just saying you have to manage your expectations or you'll drive yourself up the wall. anyway thanks for sharing and glad to hear about the progress with ur dad
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Jun 3, 2021 22:23
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thehandtruck posted:more good stuff Yeah, that's something to think about. I absolutely expect more from the people close to me, but I can brush off a lot if it comes from a stranger. My parents are very conservative, and I've been dunking on Biden with them. It's been interesting. I had a good chat with my therapist today, and she mentioned the power relationship inherent with my interactions at NAMI. I facilitate the groups, and I see it as my job to make sure everyone is comfortable and safe. For the most part, politics doesn't come up. It's just sort of an unspoken rule that we don't get political during our shares. We have outings where we all go out to eat or something, and people are much more candid. I honestly think highly of them all, even if they support stuff I very much disagree with. It tends to be family and friends that I unload on. I know it's a knee-jerk reaction due to anger, and I think the lamictal is helping a bit with that. TRIGGER WARNING: You can skip this part. As my therapist put it today, it's ok to have different faces for different people. I only really feel it when I bite my tongue over something I view as evil. I'm definitely a sensitive person. I tend to get depressed over stuff directed at me, and angry at stuff directed at others. My last really big breakdown happened when I found out my sister (who has special needs) had been sexually abused by our grandfather. It turned out to have been going on for a long time. In retrospect, there were some small warning signs. I felt somehow responsible. I remember her telling me after a visit to the grandparents that "grandpa kept me up all night." I responded sarcastically, assuming he was just in and out of the kitchen in the middle of the night. There simply aren't words that can express how bad I feel about my actions. I remember talking to various psychiatric professionals about the experience, and people kept asking if I saw myself as her "protector." In the aftermath, my grandfather was arrested and then released on bail. He lived a couple houses down from us. He was a gun owner. My parents were worried he might do something, as his life was basically crashing down around him. My dad worked out of state, and his solution was to designate me the protector of the family. He gave me a loaded .45, and expected me to keep it with me at all times while I was home. I was extremely depressed. I was going to university out of town. It was a bad situation in many ways, but I reached out to university resources and got through it. Maybe lashing out is a defensive mechanism? Before I found out about the abuse, I had some political arguments with my conservative grandfather. He showed a total lack of empathy for many types of people. He made misogynistic jokes, and I didn't call him out. I feel like I enabled him by not empathizing with my sister enough, and by not calling him out. I think I see my sister in victims (I don't like using that word, but I'm not sure what else to use) of abuse, and I see my grandfather in perpetrators. Worst of all, I see myself in the enablers. That was pretty loving dark, but things are MUCH better now. My sister has been seeing a therapist for a long time, and she's "graduating" from therapy in a few days. We have a great relationship, and I'm watching her while our parents are at an amusement park this weekend. We ordered some awesome pizza, we ran to the store and bought some junk food, and I'm going to show her the finer points of goat simulator (which I got her for her recent birthday). I was honestly surprised at how excited she was to spend the weekend with me. I'm looking forward to it too.
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Jun 3, 2021 23:48
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Uganda Loves Me posted:I want to be kind and respectful, and I want people to like and respect me in turn. I know a few people who seem like they are very non-judgmental and approachable. I know that's just my perception from the outside, but I've also seen evidence that a number of people are able to rely on them. I want to be more like that, but I have a tendency to go scorched earth when some subjects come up. I sometimes regret the way I delivered the message, but I have never regretted the act of speaking up for what matters to me. I tend to keep the angry political me separate from the supportive NAMI-going me. Hiding bits and pieces of me from different people takes its toll. I try to reserve my anger for those in power, but it's hard not to get angry when someone defends concentration camps or literal genocide. I honestly don't think being polite in those situations is the kind thing to do. I remember a close friend from NAMI telling people that she couldn't imagine me ever judging someone. I'm tearing up just thinking about what it would be like if she found out what I thought of her political beliefs. I could write an essay on the subject. It might help me sort some things out. Considering what you've learned about their relationship man, I don't think it's over the line. You've seemed pretty genuine from the start, and I can tell your heart is in the right place with this. Major kudos to you for really taking that initiative to be who she needs at the right place and time.
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Jun 4, 2021 16:22
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i know a lot of people have talked about getting agoraphobia post covid, and i feel like i'm having a lesser but similar issue where all the little anxieties about going to a social situation are way more overpowering because i haven't really dealt with them in a while. doesn't help that a lot of the people in my community went hard into covid denialism and i feel like it's harder to ignore
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Jun 5, 2021 20:50
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StashAugustine posted:i know a lot of people have talked about getting agoraphobia post covid, and i feel like i'm having a lesser but similar issue where all the little anxieties about going to a social situation are way more overpowering because i haven't really dealt with them in a while. doesn't help that a lot of the people in my community went hard into covid denialism and i feel like it's harder to ignore Definitely relate to this; personally, my temperament and tolerance for others has tanked because of it as well - wondering if you're experiencing the same thing.
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Jun 5, 2021 21:18
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Josherino posted:Definitely relate to this; personally, my temperament and tolerance for others has tanked because of it as well - wondering if you're experiencing the same thing. Yes and no: in the abstract, I've been trying to be more understanding of people- it's a rough time for everyone and I try to extend the empathy I wish other people had for me. But the combination of just general increased social anxiety with the fact that the contradictions are harder to ignore is making it much more difficult. I feel like it's also worse with acquaintances- closer friends are sort of known quantities so even if I think they're dumb as poo poo about some things that's just part of the background. But just like meeting with people for dinner or boardgames or whatever when someone makes a passing comment I don't wanna have to start arguing from first principles at them
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Jun 5, 2021 21:30
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StashAugustine posted:i know a lot of people have talked about getting agoraphobia post covid, and i feel like i'm having a lesser but similar issue where all the little anxieties about going to a social situation are way more overpowering because i haven't really dealt with them in a while. doesn't help that a lot of the people in my community went hard into covid denialism and i feel like it's harder to ignore Same boat, tbh. Besides a lot of other bad events that happened, I'm just not as desensitized to outside stimulus anymore. With ADHD I already have a hell of a time filtering sights and sounds, but after spending a whole year in one apartment everything is three times as loud. All of the psychic calluses I had built up from being around people and working through social anxiety are just gone. It sucks! Plus the whole COVID thing really put front and center just how much people do not give a poo poo about others, down to being unwilling to put on a little mask in public. It's a new, shittier world we're re-entering
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Jun 5, 2021 22:59
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Yeah definitely. I was thinking that part of it might have been that I've been pretty anhedonic as a coping mechanism, but now that I think about it I've been able to do my job, do some hobbies, clean up my place, etc. So I think it specifically is a people problem. And that's just a huge mess of anxiety- I want to have connections with people and for them to want that with me, but I don't know how to do it at all
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Jun 5, 2021 23:49
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I didn't actually end up being able to work from home during COVID in any capacity so I'm a little worried I'm gonna come off like a dickhead compared to everyone else having to get used to social situations again
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Jun 6, 2021 01:20
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bo burnham's netflix special "inside" came out last week and it is amazing. dude walked away from comedy 5 years back because his mental health was in the shitter and proceeded to make a comeback show filmed entirely by himself in covid isolation. a lot of critics talk about the covid experiences they saw reflected in burnham's special (https://www.rottentomatoes.com/m/bo_burnham_inside/reviews) and i highly recommend it for anyone who is ok with a few references to the comedian talking about self harm flippantly for humor. his covid experience was some of a kind cuz he put out an anxiety-fueled masterpiece imo and i was just happy to decompress at home with anxiety levels as low as they've been in years. His song from the special, "how the world works," is c-spam as gently caress
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Jun 6, 2021 03:54
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Eat This Glob posted:bo burnham's netflix special "inside" came out last week and it is amazing. dude walked away from comedy 5 years back because his mental health was in the shitter and proceeded to make a comeback show filmed entirely by himself in covid isolation. Awesome, I'll have to check it out. I'm a huge fan of Maria Bamford, who has bi-polar disorder and is open about it in her comedy. Her "Special Special Special" is on netflix, and it's her giving a standup routine to her parents. It just seems like such a great avenue to get through to people, while keeping things interesting.
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Jun 6, 2021 05:22
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bamford is 100% fantastic. she left me tickets for a show 18 months back just because i replied to a tweet. her netflix show, lady dynamite, is amazing. if any of you don't want to slog through a short series, her "this is not happening" showcase on comedy central hits on the lowest lows of her mental health issues https://youtu.be/Yp2stpr-aGA
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Jun 6, 2021 05:35
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Eat This Glob posted:bo burnham's netflix special "inside" came out last week and it is amazing. dude walked away from comedy 5 years back because his mental health was in the shitter and proceeded to make a comeback show filmed entirely by himself in covid isolation. I didn't know all this backstory but it totally checks out from my viewing. it wasn't bad. it was great, even. I'll just say it was very effective at reminding me of the bleaker times over the last year. but hey, I guess there was someone else feeling the same things I was.
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Jun 6, 2021 05:35
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Eat This Glob posted:bo burnham's netflix special "inside" came out last week and it is amazing. dude walked away from comedy 5 years back because his mental health was in the shitter and proceeded to make a comeback show filmed entirely by himself in covid isolation. I watched this last night and it had me laughing harder than I have in a long time. It's also really impressive.
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Jun 6, 2021 16:27
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Eat This Glob posted:bo burnham's netflix special "inside" came out last week and it is amazing. dude walked away from comedy 5 years back because his mental health was in the shitter and proceeded to make a comeback show filmed entirely by himself in covid isolation. I found the special uneasy and cathartic at the same time. Depending on your mental state it could make you feel better or worse. So, YMMV. Regardless, it’s a great piece of art.
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Jun 7, 2021 01:41
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Sorry to post in here so much lately, but uh, what do you do when you've reached a point where you feel nothing anymore? I hosed up a job interview because of incredibly painful panic and anxiety. I sent the interviewer a polite email bowing out of the process, and have felt nothing sense. I guess I figured in my great recovery plan that I would get into another full time job and power through the anxiety, but I wasn't expecting the reaction to doing graphic design work to be this extreme. Just so very lost, empty, and I have no idea what to do anymore. I've been operating on auto pilot since Friday, but I can't be like this forever. All of the ways forward require me to be more than this, and I'm just a shattered nobody.
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Jun 7, 2021 19:51
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sounds like you need to be put back together if you're feeling shattered. im so sorry you're going through this. have you talked to any professionals about what you're experiencing? that's where i would start and if you haven't, and id encourage you to
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Jun 7, 2021 20:34
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It's my birthday and I'm not happy but not suicidal. I think that's a win these days.
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Jun 7, 2021 22:45
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I turn 30 in ten days and the idea of being 30 and doing absolutely nothing of note is crushing me.
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Jun 8, 2021 01:11
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DoubleDonut posted:I didn't actually end up being able to work from home during COVID in any capacity so I'm a little worried I'm gonna come off like a dickhead compared to everyone else having to get used to social situations again I was talking about this with my therapist, and she pointed out people who didn't have issues with them before are having anxiety/panic attacks going out in public. We've been dealing with a once-in-a-lifetime event (knock on loving wood) for so long that we've literally forgotten how to function in public. So, there's that. No. 6 posted:It's my birthday and I'm not happy but not suicidal. I think that's a win these days. Goddamn right it is. CW suicide chat: First Thanksgiving after the hospitalization, I actually broke down in tears before we ate, because I realized my wife could've been sitting across from an empty chair if my attempt succeeded. That was loving sobering.
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Jun 8, 2021 01:15
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Chokes McGee posted:CW suicide chat: First Thanksgiving after the hospitalization, I actually broke down in tears before we ate, because I realized my wife could've been sitting across from an empty chair if my attempt succeeded. That was loving sobering. wow, yeah, I bet that's one you won't forget and i hope (for the right reasons) it sticks with you. it will for sure stick with me
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Jun 8, 2021 01:23
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does anyone have any advice as far as, like, whenever I'm in therapy I feel fine and have trouble describing how I feel hosed up most of the rest of the time? I try to write stuff down but I'm much more eloquent when I'm hosed up; I can't help but go into Forgettably Polite Office Worker mode whenever I'm at therapy.
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Jun 9, 2021 07:25
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I haven't used one, but I've heard good things about mood tracker apps: https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/mood-tracker-app#mood-tracker-apps I got in the habit of using a big text document, and just adding to it as I remembered. I put it on cloud storage so I could access it from different devices. It was immensely useful for my own understanding of how I was doing. Even just a few details of what happened that day, and whether I was down or not would tell me a lot. When I feel a certain way, I usually feel like I've always felt that way. It's hard to remember the bad moods if I'm in a good mood, and vice-versa. Sometimes, I would read through it and not be able to relate to the way I felt the day before. It helped me make sense of my triggers, and identify patterns of feelings/behaviors. I completely relate to feeling like a different person when I'm talking to a professional. I prepare myself mentally beforehand, and put on my game face. I'll never forget the time I told a psychiatrist that I'm a mess, and she told me that I don't look like a mess. lol. I hide the way I feel when I'm in public, which helps me function in day-to-day life. I end up doing a huge disservice to myself when it's time to express how I feel, though. That's compounded by the fact that seeing a professional alters my mood. It can boost the way I feel, or be anxiety-inducing. On top of that, I need to really trust the other person before I'm going to be open. I've been practicing my whole life to "fake it till I make it," but now I have to practice being genuine. Journaling also helped me figure out better courses of action. Simply sitting down and writing about a topic forced me to put my scattered thoughts in order. If I was in a good enough headspace, I would end up realizing things that would otherwise never have occurred to me. It's hard for me to write in detail when I'm really depressed, and I write way more when I'm closer to the hypomanic side of things. I could usually manage to write short, brutally honest journal entries once or twice a day. I learned that the length and detail of my journal entries were good indicators of my mood. If I didn't bother journaling at all that day, it was usually a sign of my depression. When my mood is right, I'll sit down and write a short essay on a topic that is on my mind. I find the short journal entries with the rare short essay is manageable. The journal entries keep me honest with myself, and put things in perspective. The essays help me figure out difficult situations.
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Jun 9, 2021 09:20
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I've successfully avoided the kids for the last couple weeks or so, maybe longer. Wife told me yesterday they missed me and I told her I didn't care because they make me miserable. She cried and I didn't even feel bad. They're sweet kids, just extremely messy. And I can't handle living like that. On another subject, people often have aspirations and plans for the future, but I don't have anything. I never really wanted to do anything except maybe make games, which I realized I can't do. And that's fine because my game ideas have been realized by others, more or less. So I guess I'm just done. I don't even really look forward to things like the kids graduating or whatever. Who cares.
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Jun 9, 2021 09:42
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erosion posted:I've successfully avoided the kids for the last couple weeks or so, maybe longer. Wife told me yesterday they missed me and I told her I didn't care because they make me miserable. She cried and I didn't even feel bad. I know I struggle with doing it myself, but I find that when I can let myself do something "pointless", I am able to care more about "more significant" things and get into other stuff. I also think it's too easy to get caught up in big picture (or lack of) thinking, it leads to overly goal oriented approaches that are a coin flip on productivity (in my experience), and suck the fun and life out of whatever I'm doing. I try to imagine I'm following a stream and seeing where it goes, rather than picking a destination. I hesitate to get all CSPAM doomer in this thread, but it's important to consider what our future is starting to look like. A lot of people seem to be fooling themselves, whether because of effective propaganda or a willful ignorance, or everyone is going around in some kind of glazed over shock and denial, but people who seem to "have it together" in regards to the future probably aren't considering all sorts of things. I think you should find what feels like it matters to you, genuinely, because especially in the face of what's going on, that's what matters. As for family stuff, I'm really not one to talk, especially married/children life, but I would try to consider the long term effects of how you treat people, and how that shifts your situation over time. If you don't feel a sense of connection with your kids or your wife, I'm not going to tell you to feel bad about it, but I can't imagine you feel good about it either, so maybe there are ways you can explore why you feel that way? Not with any expectations or intent of changing it, but at least understanding why? Maybe you can find the right balance with your family in a way that's authentic with yourself and them? ricecult has issued a correction as of 16:15 on Jun 9, 2021 |
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Jun 9, 2021 16:13
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breadnsucc has issued a correction as of 19:11 on Aug 21, 2021 |
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Jun 9, 2021 16:33
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even though I feel terrible guilt and shame for my wrongdoing, it isn't enough to change my behavior. anyone else just waiting to die?
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Jun 10, 2021 13:46
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Negative feelings can serve purpose, yet are often poor motivators. At some point we have to decide what life we want, and then start doing the tedious stuff. Good luck to you, I hope you can find more value in your self and strength for your family.
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Jun 10, 2021 14:13
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erosion posted:even though I feel terrible guilt and shame for my wrongdoing, it isn't enough to change my behavior. It sounds like you have a need that is not being met, do you have any ideas what it might be? If not, any idea on how to figure out what it is? Either way I've found journaling to be helpful, or write a letter that you're not going to actually send, to whomever you feel you have something to say. Find somewhere you can let out your thoughts and feelings privately, so you can do so without any sense of being judged. I know when I've hurt people in the past it's hard to come to a spot where I can start behaving different, even when I want to. It feels like some weird sunk cost fallacy thing, like "I've already given up on doing the right thing, why bother now?" It sucks, I hope you can see or feel differently about this soon, the behavior will follow.
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Jun 10, 2021 15:05
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No. 6 posted:Negative feelings can serve purpose, yet are often poor motivators. ya well said. this is unrelated but i was talking about this with some people yesterday and thought i'd share it here: you are not responsible for your disease, but you are responsible for your recovery it's a big tenet of recovery but it applies to everything. meaning mostly like yeah you should blame your family and parents and circumstances for creating your issues. but you are responsible for moving forward. it can sound harsh but it also goes both ways, it also means you are the way you are not through your own fault and you shouldnt blame yourself for them. i dunno its hard to explain but it helped me a lot maybe someone will find it helpful too
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Jun 10, 2021 20:15
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thehandtruck posted:ya well said. In that same vein, leave space for the grief that comes with never really getting any justice for any abuse, no matter the size or severity. It's CSPAM and we all intellectually know that fuckers will never get their due, and will 99.9% of the time "ah, well, nevertheless" off into the sunset. But I found out the really hard way that it's much different when you have to internalize that. It feels dumb to type out because it's so obvious, but there's a real grief in knowing the damage done to you will take so much to heal, and for the abuser "It was Tuesday" (hah). Especially when you know any speaking out will be met with disbelief at best, retaliation at worst. In the grand scheme of things, your pain means nothing to the world, even if it consumes your entire life. If you don't reconcile with it, in my experience it's turned into a deep self loathing, under the guise of "you need to harden the gently caress up so no one can do this to you again" or "this is what you truly deserved for being such a gullible Pollyanna". You're the only one you can yell at, the only one who has to listen, so you create an avatar of an unjust system in your image and beat the gently caress out of it in hopes there will be relief. Letting all of that go is hard. This has been on my mind for the last few days, so it's a little rambly, thanks for reading.
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Jun 10, 2021 23:01
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I haven't posted in this thread before but my fiancee is dealing with some significant mental health issues right now. poo poo fuckin sucks man. I don't want to go to far into it but if you're like feeling down or stressed out or just like too cspammed brained, please please please reach out to someone who you can trust and talk to them.
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Jun 11, 2021 00:29
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Sanguinary Novel posted:In that same vein, leave space for the grief that comes with never really getting any justice for any abuse, no matter the size or severity. It's CSPAM and we all intellectually know that fuckers will never get their due, and will 99.9% of the time "ah, well, nevertheless" off into the sunset. But I found out the really hard way that it's much different when you have to internalize that. It feels dumb to type out because it's so obvious, but there's a real grief in knowing the damage done to you will take so much to heal, and for the abuser "It was Tuesday" (hah). Especially when you know any speaking out will be met with disbelief at best, retaliation at worst. In the grand scheme of things, your pain means nothing to the world, even if it consumes your entire life. Yeah, this is the right stuff, or somewhere in the general proximity. But if you think you are rambly, let me show you how it's done. I was in a pretty bad way yesterday, I had to drive 150 miles to purchase a piano and was sitting in the car fuming at everything and nothing, trying to just address the fact that I was somehow bitter and angry at pretty much everything and everyone, all day. That, coupled with a recurring urge to do myself in. As my 2 1/2 hour drive turned into a 4 hour drive and I watched the deadline for showing up at the store go by while sitting in gridlock traffic I got really unhinged, saying to myself, every good thing I've ever tried to do has gone the exact opposite way, everybody I've tried to influence, no matter how dear, has completely ignored what I try to say; maybe it would be a better world without me in it, what the hell, I knew things might end badly, I've had a good life and I could at least have the courage to bow out as gracefully as possible, what the gently caress, clearly I've just gotten bogged down in the mud. So I'll make a wager with God, if I don't show up in time to pick up this loving piano I'll not be a ridiculous failure in life any further, I'll just drive off somewhere quietly after I get home and put the wife to bed, make the world a little less miserable a place without me in it. Obviously nobody wants what I'm selling. Then I put on my mp3 player, having completely forgotten what was on it, and immediately heard these guys railing on about how there's always something to live for, you should never commit suicide. It was an old episode of Chapo Trap House, apparently come down from heaven to talk me out of offing myself. I love those guys. Then I put on Leviathan by Mastodon, and started thinking about Captain Ahab and his white whale, thinking how you can't make what's going on in the loving crooked government into your personal white whale. Human depravity and sin are a force of nature, not something you can defeat. Jesus couldn't do it, Buddha couldn't do it, and I'm no Jesus or Bodhisattva. I arrived at the store 15 minutes after closing feeling almost relieved that I wasn't going to have to go on much further, when a nice old lady came out and personally escorted me to the back room, telling me if I'd been any later there would have been no one left to sell me the piano, LOL. I took it home, apparently God won this round, and wasn't quite done with my sorry rear end. And I got the piano. I love the piano. I stayed up until about 3:00 in the morning playing around with it, marveling at how great it sounded. I finally went to bed and tossed and turned all night, falling to sleep after dawn. I started dreaming, and in the dream I was confronted by the spirit of meanness, pettiness, and everything that makes a man destroy his children's futures for his own sole benefit, the spirit that animates people into knowingly lying and doubling down on their lies, and doing it gleefully. He was sort of a hybrid of a chubby little blonde cherub and a weasel. Sort of a plump, furry Pat Boone. And in my dream I crushed his skull with my foot. I suddenly woke, having frightened the hell out of the cat with my violent kicking. I've got to confess that despite mixed feelings, I felt good about killing him and felt a little better all day. And glad as hell I didn't kick the cat. So I hope this was the slightest bit entertaining. Cheers.
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Jun 11, 2021 02:05
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I don't know how people deal with pets dying. Our oldest family dog (12.5) was diagnosed with lung cancer about a week ago. She was given about a month to live. I've been spending as much time as I can down at my mom's to spend time with both her and the dog. She's still eating, drinking, and getting up on her own. She pretty much only moves to go to the bathroom or move to one of her favorite spots. She's happy, she's just slowing down. I feel like I'm barely holding it together but I also know I'm gonna have to be the one to make the call on putting her to sleep. I will there for her to the very end, but gently caress I'm slingshotting from numb to breaking down hour by hour. Never in front of the old girl though, only smiles for her. I feel pretty dumb and whiny typing that out but i gotta cry into the void somewhere.
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Jun 11, 2021 03:22
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The world is too much, it literally feels like the end is around the corner and people are just acting like things are normal????
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Jun 11, 2021 04:15
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