Zetsubou-san posted:

flavor.flv posted:

Do the right thing, inceltown

Tunicate posted:

Hey guys I found this great forums quote, it's about a guy who - get this - graduated the top of his class in the Navy Seals, and even was involved in numerous secret raids on Al-Quaeda. It's hilarious! He says he has over 300 confirmed kills. The joke he makes about being trained in gorilla warfare, and the cutting satire about internet tough guys is original, quirky, and totally unique to these forums.

The Gloaming posted:

The jokes never change! U like old music. Thus *BEEP BEEP IM A SOCIAL ENGINEER* u old. From 80s. I young. U mad. U die. Lulz!

(USER WAS BANNED FOR THIS POST)

EorayMel posted:

Also for some reason the auto-amended (USER WAS PUT ON PROBATION/BANNED FOR THIS POST) no longer is a link to the user's rap sheet in question nor is there a red border around the entry it is supposed to link to
_{Nothing my post engineering cannot fix for this thread though}

Zetsubou-san posted:

Comrade Blyatlov posted:

Way ahead of you!!!





I'd wager someone got a reaming for it

Mojo Jojo posted:

An old CEO once have an "inspiring" speech about how we didn't do this job for the money, after all we were smart people, if we wanted money we'd go and work for a hedge fund

Within three months we lost 50% of our applied maths group. All of them joined hedge funds and cited the vast salaries in their exit interviews

bong hits al fresco posted:

Hammer Time
Both Darren and Jody are big guys, and they love to eat.
Well one night they both get dinner at the same time.
Big mistake. Without fail, the surest way to make the
store busy is to get something to eat. I'm checking out
customers left and right and Darren gets stuck at the other
register, while Jody continues eating (there was only
two registers). So we get the rush cleared out, and Darren
goes to eat in peace.

He flips open the carton, only to see his meal being enjoyed
by a cockroach. Now Darren has the worst temper I've ever seen,
ever. The odd thing was, he didn't freak out, or anything. He
just sat there and looked at it.

Jody and I saw it too right as he flipped the cover over.
We both looked at each other with an "oh gently caress" face because sure
enough, the volcano was about to blow.

First comes the sigh. Then short, aggravated forehead wipe.

"God drat it," he said weakly, and went to the back of the
store.

Darren comes back with hammer in hand and proceeds to beat the
unholy gently caress out of his dinner, viens popping out, teeth clenched.

"gently caress YOU MOTHERFUCKER!" BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM

poo poo is flying EVERYWHERE. I got the gently caress away because guacamole
was loving hitting the walls, he was hitting it so god drat hard.

"gently caress YOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU" BAM BAM BAM BAM

At this point I'm laughing so hard I'm crying. I'm also hiding behind
a counter because I don't want Darren to kill me.

"gently caress" BAM "gently caress" BAM "gently caress" BAM "oh, gently caress it."

After a few minutes, he stops pounding the liquid mess that was
once solid food. Quietly, he gets a towel and wipes it up, and
doesn't say another word until the end of his shift.

bong hits al fresco posted:

RIP Bathroom 4-15-95
Our strict policy was that there was no PUBLIC bathroom,
despite the fact that the bathroom was in clear view. It
even said NOT A PUBLIC RESTROOM on the door. Well, despite
the best laid plans of mice and men, sometimes policy goes
out the window. As it did in this case.

So this 400 pound lady (I am not exaggerating, we're talking
Nell Carter here) is buying her liquor when she out of
the blue, in the middle of the transaction, asks to use
"the restroom."

Me: I'm sorry ma'am, we don't have a public restroom.
Her: ... (nasty, greasy sounding fart. LOUD. Deer in the headlights look.)
Me: (sensing time was of the essence) Uh, ok, you can use ours,
it's right over there.

Thankfully it's not that far to go. However, unfortunately
for us, it's not one of those bathrooms that has a fart fan
to mask the sound. It's loving WORLD WAR III in there because
she is ripping rear end so hard, she's blowing the porcelin off of
the bowl. After a while the War of 1812 stops playing, and there
is nothing but silence. For a long time. I'm talking 15, 20 minutes
here.

Me: Dude, I think she died.
Jody: I'm not going in there.
Me: Man, gently caress that! I'm staying right here. If she's dead, they
can find her in the morning. We can just say we forgot she was here.
Jody: Right, good plan. Plausible deniability.

After about another 5 or 10 minutes she emerges from her carpet
bombing campaign as if nothing happened. I'm doing everything I can
to keep from laughing in her face, but I'm losing. I start laughing,
but I catch myself before she notices.

She pays for her poo poo and leaves. It was then he noticed it.

Jody: "God fuckin damnit!" (shirt covering nose)
Me: "What?"
Jody: "Wait."

It hit me. It was the most foulest stench I have ever had the
misfortune to inhale. I have no idea what or WHO that woman ate,
but that was without doubt the most putrid and morally reprehensible
act I've ever seen purpetrated on an innocent bathroom. I couldn't
get within two feet of the door without gagging. I was gagging and
laughing.

Me: "Jesus H Christ!" I held my breath and entered Mordor itself. The
seat was broken. A feeble attempt had made to put it back in place,
but it was clearly now broken on one side. Also, the toilet water
level was now at the brim. There was an amazing lack of poo poo on the
bowl, or the walls for that matter for the all artillery we heard
going off.

She had not just broken our god drat toilet, but DEFEATED it. No amount
of plunging would free whatever massive blockage that beast had sent
down the pipes.The next day Roto Rooter or somebody like that came
in and fixed it,but that was the night that our bathroom died. And
it was never the same afterwards.

OK that's enough for today, my work here is done.

DarkSoulsTantrum posted:

Why do her boobs get really big for a minute

Hedrigall posted:

Because the mass then blorps down to create the udders duh

Ok Comboomer posted:

It’s mammary telophase, right before udderkinesis

it’s the penultimate step in the process of micowsis

spookygonk posted:

There's something you don't see every day (unless you live next door).

OwlFancier posted:

For when you need to make it difficult to determine the speed and heading of your house.

Paladinus posted:

KANEDAAAAAAA
GROOOOOOBERU

Cartoon Man posted:

https://i.imgur.com/PtFlfQe.gifv

TACD posted:

I HAS A BUICK

Platystemon posted:

Roadkill Rescue Gives Deceased Wild Ocelot a Chance to Be a Father in the Future

Captain Hygiene posted:

You could change like two words in that and it'd be a solid Metal Gear Solid 6 pitch

The Bloop posted:

Someone alert the meme council

Armitag3 posted:

What is it, I was sleeping

Kheldarn posted:

It's a group of people who organize and maintain Memes and Meme Laws, but that's not important right now.

CRIP EATIN BREAD posted:

there was a richard simmons virus for DOS back in the day that would show a little richard simmons ascii and say "Let's get rid of that FAT" and it would nuke your file allocation table.

EorayMel posted:

Dareon posted:

found guilty of shenanigans, sentenced to groverhaus arrest

Marcade posted:

Well what do you suggest we do with all these outlets, then?

Fleta Mcgurn posted:

Attach them to this zipline I built and see if that adds to the experience?

Marcade posted:

Well what do you suggest we do with all these outlets, then?

Gravitas Shortfall posted:

You'll have to chop your way through this tropical swamp to get there, but it's worth it!

RFC2324 posted:

eh, reading my post its way less funny and more snippy than intended. retracted

Captain Invictus posted:

I was arguing with the tree-cutting service about two trees in my yard. they were ADAMANT about thinly slicing them like vertical pepperoni sticks and leaving them like they stand except sliced up(like a looney toon character walking through a bunch of blades) instead of disposing of the slices. I argued this is total bullshit, and why did they ALSO chop off the entire attic of my house and leave it turned 90 degrees and upside down still on top of my house, that makes no sense. they continued to insist this was part of the work order and it was necessary to do so in order to properly slice up the second tree near the house. we had a shouting match with each other before I stormed inside and slammed the door in anger, furious that I now had a flipped and skewed attic on top of my house and two thinly sliced trees standing hideously in my yard.

that's what I get for eating slices of pizza from both a big mac pizza and a chicken ranch pizza a couple hours before bed I guess

CelticPredator posted:

Lodin posted:

https://twitter.com/LasVegasLocally/status/1424972869943971845?s=20

flavor.flv posted:

Fleta Mcgurn posted:

FreudianSlippers posted:

Aren't a bunch of Mongols red haired?

Brandon Proust posted:

yeah, the red-headed steppe children

JeremoudCorbynejad posted:

Superman's immune system has a white blood cell that looks like a regular one, but when superman gets an infection that cell goes into a vesicle and out comes Supercell, a cell with super strength that goes around punching viruses and bacteria. Its only weakness is cryptosporidiosis.

Cornwind Evil posted:

In the early 80's, there was this study, which was perhaps partially, intentionally irreverent, about how a certain breed of beetle kept trying to mate with a specific brand of beer bottle that was very common in Australia. Basically, it seemed like this very specific beer bottle's design made it resemble a female beetle so much that male beetles would get confused. That's just amusing, until you get to the part where it was claimed that not only were so many male beetles making this mistake that the beetle population was dropping, but that the male beetles wouldn't just try to mate with the bottles, but would just keep doing it despite a lack of any sort of response. They'd just keep plugging away until they died from starvation, or got eaten by ants, or dried up in the sun.

Why? Beyond insects not exactly having super advanced brains? Well, assuming there's any merit to that study, two reasons spring to mind. One is that the beetle thinks "Mating must occur=certain things happen to conclude that mating has occurred or failed=if these things do not happen, mating must continue." The other is that the beetle has discovered something that lets them just keep mating without a need to ever finish. In essence, the bottle has let the beetle discover a form of masturbation, and the beetle's mind breaks under this very specific scenario and can only focus on seeking the new sensation, even if it leads to their death.

That's basically what happened. A wholly alien element in the form of too much information and communication got injected into the collective human psyche. It set off our dopamine production in a way that we'd let ourselves die as long as we kept getting it. Basically, what we created finally got too far ahead of what we can handle. It's happened in history before and will probably happen again, this is just it on a worldwide scale. They, we, can't stop loving the beer bottles because we can't grasp why we would WANT to stop.

Ok Comboomer posted:

I wish I could turn this into a red text somehow. My god. Imagine writing this.

Ralepozozaxe posted:

You uh... got any picture of the bottles?

Xand_Man posted:

There's a concept called supernormal stimuli, where a biological response is fooled by something artificial that is actually more stimulating than the real thing. Like people jacking it to Jessica Rabbit.

Doesn't seem like a particularly fuckable bottle (though I am not a beetle). Probably a combination of color and the right shape?

SimonChris posted:

Dammerung posted:

I found an article that goes into a lot more detail on the phenomena! Here's the relevant bit:

NPR posted:
The answer became obvious when they got a close look at a female Australian jewel beetle. Females, as it happens, are golden brown. They are big — much bigger than the males. But most important, they are covered, as you see here, with dimples, little bumps.

Australian beer bottles at the time (this happened in the 1980s) were also big, also golden brown, and down near the base they also had little bumps, arrayed very much like the bumps on a female jewel beetle.

Clearly, Gwynne and Rentz wrote in their paper, the males were unable to distinguish between beer bottles and lady beetles. They thought — or rather their inner wiring told them — they were mating...

That, happily, is how our jewel beetle story ends. When beer companies in Australia learned that their bottles were having a discernible effect on the population of jewel beetles — so many males were spending useless hours fornicating, often dying under the hot Australian sun and leaving no heirs — the companies decided to change their bottles. The little bumps were eliminated to be replaced by smooth glass, the beetles lost all interest in bottles, and life in the Australian west — at least beetle life — went back to normal.

Staluigi posted:

beetles fuckin dimpled beer bottles to death is some kind of shorthand foreshadowing imagery to put in front of how the internet destroyed the human mind

Hwurmp posted:

Ralepozozaxe posted:

Failed Imagineer posted:

Oh to be a beetle, useless fornicating to death under the cruel Australian sun, leaving no heirs