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EclecticTastes posted:...sadly, little beyond excerpts are available for public viewing due to the paywall surrounding pretty much all academic journals... You might be able to find the paper(s) you want on one of the many arXiv-like preprint websites. https://osf.io/preprints/discover seems to search most of them. I hope this is helpful, I read your post, remembered a meme about using arXiv.org for free access to research papers, checked it, realized "This is just physical science, there's bound to be one for psychology," googled "arxiv for psychology," found PsyArXiv, and while searching noticed they had an "other preprint repositories" option when refining searches, hit that and found OSF.
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Aug 22, 2021 16:26
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Dareon posted:You might be able to find the paper(s) you want on one of the many arXiv-like preprint websites. https://osf.io/preprints/discover seems to search most of them. I hope this is helpful, I read your post, remembered a meme about using arXiv.org for free access to research papers, checked it, realized "This is just physical science, there's bound to be one for psychology," googled "arxiv for psychology," found PsyArXiv, and while searching noticed they had an "other preprint repositories" option when refining searches, hit that and found OSF. I had a look, but it seems that the repository doesn't include articles much older than the early nineties, where articles pertaining to Robin Skynner's work are mostly from the seventies. Even just searching for his name turns up no results. It doesn't help that he, frankly, did not exactly revolutionize the social sciences, so he's not often referenced in modern behavioral research.
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Aug 22, 2021 17:09
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Did you know the KS website has a secret jam hidden in a directory?
Falconier111 fucked around with this message at 13:41 on Aug 23, 2021 |
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Aug 23, 2021 04:46
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Update 45: Shady Encounter Katawa Shoujo OST - Fripperies  The summertime sun is something to be savored, but when combined with the clean country air, it's all the better. The track and field club members are horsing around on the field ahead; some are playing with a soccer ball, others are talking, and a few laugh as two of them mock-fight with each other. None of them pay me any heed as I sit alone on the grass, underneath the shade of a particularly large tree. It's a nice and peaceful moment after a dreary day of schoolwork. I played soccer pretty often before my heart attack, so I had thought it would be really nostalgic to watch them. What I'm feeling now, though, is quite distinct from that emotion.  I hear footsteps approaching from behind me, and I turn to my side to see one of my classmates taking a seat beside me. I'm taken off guard, as the two of us haven't talked much before, and I didn't think anyone would notice me here.   MIKI: "'Sup."  HISAO: "Hi. Miura, wasn't it?" MIKI: "Just call me Miki. Surnames are too stuffy." HISAO: "Likewise, then." We both look back out to the field were the guys are playing. It looks like they're getting ready to have a second game, with people spreading out to their positions and the ball being carried to the center of the field. Sure enough, the whistle is blown to begin the match and they get right back into it. HISAO: "Not going to play?" MIKI: "Nah, just gonna rest for a bit. What about you? You kinda looked like you wanted to play when you were watching us before." So someone did notice me after all. HISAO: "It's kind of a long story." Her face says that I've piqued her interest. HISAO: "I'm in Yamaku because I've got a heart condition. I can't really play soccer any more." MIKI: "Wanted to be a soccer player, did you?" HISAO: "No, I only really did it for fun. My friends played it, so I played it as well. Any of those guys playing around could have been me before my accident. But I don't feel like I have any real wish to go back to that, either. It's a little hard to explain." I'm still decently physically built from the days when I played, even if my strength's largely left me by now, and I got on well with the other club members. When I think about it, I should feel pretty bad watching people play when I can't any more. Yet I don't. Maybe it's a good thing; a sign that I've gotten over it and that I'm ready to become a new person. HISAO: "Sorry, I'm kinda rambling." MIKI: "It's cool. I'm actually glad to hear that. It sounds like you really have your stuff together. Some of the people that come to Yamaku are pretty messed up at first." HISAO: "So you're a member of the track and field club, then?" MIKI: "Yup. Been in it since I first arrived." HISAO: "Don't suppose you're friends with Emi? Short, fast runner, no legs? I don't think there are all that many female track and field members." MIKI: "Haha, Emi. Everyone knows about her, don't they. But nah, I tend to get on better with guys, so me and Emi don't really talk much. Anyway, what about you?" HISAO: "Ah, well, I'm not really in any clubs. Real clubs, anyway." MIKI: "You've been hanging around with Hanako and that blonde Amazon though, right?" Blonde Amazon... I suppose Lilly has the height to fit that description, if nothing else. I nod in response, without making too fine a point of things. MIKI: "Then don't worry about it. As long as you've got some friends, you don't need to join a club." A loud whistling from the field attracts our attention. One of the players is on the ground, clutching his leg, and the others stop play to jog up to him, leaving Miki grimacing. MIKI: "Ouch, that looks painful. That guy really has bad luck." As she continues to look out onto the field, I can't help being reminded of her own injuries. Her left arm, ending in a stump rather than a hand, has been bandaged up for the entire time I've been in Yamaku, and her injury doesn't seem that new. She turns to talk to me again and catches me looking. Both of us sit in awkward silence as she takes her bandaged arm and holds it in her lap with other remaining hand. HISAO: "S-sorry. I guess I'm still a bit..." MIKI: "It's fine. Really." Her tone is light, but neither of us says anything afterwards. Every disabled student here has their own way of dealing with their problems, and some finding their conditions troublesome is only natural. I'm included among them, after all. The injured guy from the soccer game manages to get onto his feet with some help, and ends up hobbling off the field with one arm over the shoulder of another for support. Probably just pulled a muscle if he can still manage to walk. The whistle blows again, and the game continues once more with one less man on the field. MIKI: "Hanging out with Hanako and that blonde girl... you keep some pretty strange company." HISAO: "How so?" MIKI: "It's just that Hanako's kind of... I don't know." HISAO: "Shy?" MIKI: "No, it's not really that. It's just... she's got some issues, I think. I can't really put it in a nice way. Not that I don't think she's a nice person, though. She's perfectly nice. Just... hard to deal with."  It sounds like Miki, or at least some other people in the class, have tried to get closer to Hanako in the past. And that it didn't go well. I think her judgment is rather harsh, given that everyone, not just those in Yamaku, have their own issues. Then again, I haven't known Hanako for that long, so it wouldn't surprise me if there was some stuff I didn't know about. HISAO: "I'll just take it as it comes. She's a nice person, and I think that should be all that matters." Miki's eyes narrow a little, and her smile spreads. MIKI: "You really like her, don't you?"  Miki certainly doesn't mince words." >Admit it. >Deny it.  Why would we bother denying it? Other than typical teenager shyness, but as we’ve seen, Hisao’s a lot more self-aware and controlled than most teenagers. =>Admit it. HISAO: "To be completely honest... yeah, I do. I'd appreciate it if you didn't tell anyone." MIKI: "Hey, whoa, you can trust me. No problems there. To be honest, I think it's kind of cute. If you want to go for it, don't let me stop you." HISAO: "Thanks." She may say that, but she was just talking about Hanako having “issues.” Still, I want to hold myself to the words I said. Hanako's problems don't matter; I'll deal with anything that comes up, because I want to help her. If there's even the smallest possibility that I can pull Hanako out of her depression and seclusion, then I should work towards that, no matter what. If she needs a prince, then I will be that prince. As I think about the possibility of a relationship, I can see Miki grinning at me while watching my face. I'm no doubt blushing, and looking away from her only makes her laugh. The other choice has her say that boys and girls don’t need to be in a relationship to be friends, and Hisao silently agrees. It doesn’t change anything going forward. Miki gives off a different vibe from the other girls. Talking to her feels more like talking to a guy than a woman. Her saying she prefers male company doesn't help to dispel that notion, either. Glancing at my watch shows that lunch break is ending in only a few minutes. Time to start heading back to class. HISAO: "Lunch is about to end. Want to head back?" MIKI: "Yeah, we'd better." I pick myself up off the grass and dust myself off, offering a hand to Miki to help her up as well. She takes it and easily pulls herself up, showing the muscles moving in her toned bare arms in the process. HISAO: "Come to think of it, why aren't you wearing the normal girls' blouse?" MIKI: "Eh, it's too hot and constricting. The boys' uniform is better, anyway." She throws her arms around a bit to emphasize her point, which has the side effect of showing off one particular part of her body that would be especially constricted by the blouse. The two of us start the walk back to the main building through the gardens, talking as we go.  MIKI: "It sounds like you're settling in well. That's a relief. It was pretty surprising to get a transfer student at this point in the year, considering the exams are coming up." HISAO: "Don't remind me..." MIKI: "Haha, don't worry about them. Just cram it and you'll be fine." HISAO: "That doesn't sound like good advice." She claps my shoulder a couple of times as she grins. I don't think she takes school very seriously. MIKI: "You seem like a smart guy, and Mutou's taken to you well already. You're like a hand in a glove." HISAO: "Now to work out whether that's a good thing or a bad thing. I still don't know what to make of this school. I've been here a few weeks already, but I still feel dazed at times." MIKI: "You'll get used to it, just give it some time. It's only a high school, just like any other." She makes it sound so simple, but I've never thought about it that way. To me, Yamaku symbolized a marked shift in my life. I was no longer normal; I was “different,” and was to be educated with other “different” people. And yet, I'm walking back to class and talking casually with a classmate during lunch, after watching some others play a soccer game - all perfectly normal. Maybe she has a point. Maybe I should just look at Hanako in the same way. Everyone has their own issues; this is hardly something unique to Yamaku. After all, it's only a high school, just like any other. As we continue to talk, I find myself smiling. Miki and I are very different people in almost every way, but it feels good to have gotten to know another classmate a bit better. KS has several Yamanaku students who never show up in the narrative but have names and disabilities; for instance, if you go back to the image where Hisao first meets Mutou’s class, the big kid drooling in the corner is Taro Arai (monoplegia) and the girl with her head down is Suzu Suzuki (narcolepsy). Miki Miura is one of the few border cases, a character who shows up in the background of Emi’s route as one of her competitors but only talks to you in Hanako’s route. While the finished game doesn’t focus on her, Lilly’s writer drafted up an unofficial route for her, a story from her perspective in script form with endings that placed her either with Hisao or Suzu. It’s worth checking out if you want more Katawa Shoujo. Katawa Shoujo OST ~ Passing of Time  Katawa Shoujo OST - Daylight  A light breeze blows the scent of early summer around my head while I wait for Lilly. Small white clouds litter the sky, breaking up the monotony of the blue.  LILLY: "Hisao? Are you here?" Lilly's voice lilts on the breeze as if they were one and the same thing. I stop gazing into the sky to examine Lilly.  With a peach off-the-shoulder sweater and tan ankle-length skirt, in addition to tan sandals, she's quite a nice sight. HISAO: "Yeah, I'm over here, Lilly. Near the gate. Were you able to sneak away from Hanako?" LILLY: "Yes. It's not uncommon for me to go out during weekends, so I don't think she noticed anything suspicious. That, and... she has someone she sees." Lilly purses her lips, as if she maybe shouldn't have continued. I find it a little hard to believe. HISAO: "Hanako's seeing someone? Really?" LILLY: "No, it's just... she sees a therapist every so often on weekends." HISAO: "Oh. Well. That does make a lot of sense." Lilly rubs her arm uncomfortably, and after one look at her troubled expression, I quickly move to change the topic away from Hanako. HISAO: "Huh..." LILLY: "Yes?" HISAO: "I was just wondering... you can get around the city on your own?" Lilly sighs at my consternation surrounding the topic of her blindness. I'm my own worst enemy, sometimes. LILLY: "I can, yes. It's easier when I'm out with a friend or my sister, though." I wonder how Lilly gets along with her sister. Being an only child, it's hard to imagine what having a sibling would be like, so it makes me a little envious of her. HISAO: "Right. Well then, the bus arrives in a few minutes, so we should probably get a move on." LILLY: "Indeed; it's a long wait if we miss this one." With that, we set off for the bus stop on the hill. It's only a small distance from the school gate, so it's very convenient.  HISAO: "It's a nice view from here. Coming from the city, I never really got to see scenery like this, let alone on a daily basis." LILLY: "This area is nice for me as well. It's tranquil, and away from the noises and smells of the city." Lilly's head perks up in a trademark gesture of hers, signifying that she's caught a sound. LILLY: "Oh, here comes the bus..." I look down the road to see the bus trundling up the hill. Her hearing's quite a useful tool. The bus only takes a short while to reach the bus stop, forcing its way up the road, and within a minute we are on our way to the city. Katawa Shoujo OST - Ease (City Sounds)  Walking around the city, I feel a distinct nostalgia. The smells, the traffic, the tall buildings everywhere... It's a lot like my native city, save for the raised walkways. It feels a little weird; walking around a city as casually as I would in a park, but with cars rushing around underneath me. As I'm busily pondering the engineering marvel that is the raised walkway, I get a surprise. It takes a moment for me to realize that Lilly has wrapped her arm around mine, extending her cane in front of her with her other hand. For a moment I'm startled, but I manage to keep enough of a lid on it for Lilly not to notice. While it's not the first time that Lilly's relied on me for guidance, she'd only held onto my sleeve's cuff before. It's logical that it would be easier for her to navigate a crowded and complex area such as the city while securely linked, but I'm far from being as used to this kind of contact as Lilly is. Finally realizing the growing silence between us as Lilly waits for me to get moving, I quickly kick my brain into gear. HISAO: "You know, it was quite a surprise that Hanako likes to sing. Have you ever heard her do that before?" LILLY: "I have indeed. We've been to karaoke sessions several times, along with my sister. I can't say I take to the activity much, but the other two like it." Maybe Hanako doing karaoke is more fitting than I initially thought. Just her and those she knows, all alone in a little room. It would give her a rare chance to let her guard down, with nobody else there to judge her. HISAO: "Maybe it would be nice to bring her into town for a karaoke birthday party, if she likes doing it." LILLY: "Hmm. I'm not sure she would deal very well with the excitement." I move to protest, but her face shows that she's mulling the proposal over some more. It takes quite some time for her to come to a conclusion.  LILLY: "Then again, the best thing we can do for Hanako at this point is to try to create some pleasant birthday memories. Continually treating her as if she's abnormal won't help." HISAO: "I think you're right; if she has something to remember apart from loss, then maybe she'll come around." If we bought her something nice that she could see every day then maybe she'd be able to take her mind off her past and remember that she has friends. And in any case, I think Hanako can handle something like this. In the time I've spent beside her, I've learned that she isn't quite as frightfully fragile as I first thought she was. HISAO: "So, shall we be off? I'm not really sure about the layout of this area." LILLY: "Very well. I might like to suggest having something to eat, first." HISAO: "I haven't either, so that sounds like a good plan." LILLY: "Make sure you choose a nice place, Hisao." (Silence) She gives a teasing smile, one that makes me smile reflexively in response even if she can't see that. HISAO: "I'll make very sure I do, don't worry about that." Katawa Shoujo OST - Everyday Fantasy  Once inside, I order two slices of pie and accompanying cups of tea and take them back to our table. I'd pegged this café as the type to appeal to Lilly; small and quiet, but well-kept and somewhat upscale. Going by the dainty smile she wears, I... don't really know if I chose right. It's very, very rare to not see her smiling, after all. Nevertheless, I take a seat near her at one of the corner tables and lay down our small meals. Lilly gingerly brings her head over the slice of pie placed in front of her, delicately taking in the aroma. LILLY: "Lemon pie, is it? Thank you, Hisao." HISAO: "No problem. The tea's just next to it, so be careful not to knock it over." She nods appreciatively, but judging from the slightly weak smile she has, the warning wasn't really necessary. I suppose the sound must have tipped her off to its position. We both tuck into our food without further ado, both of us remaining largely silent as we do so. Lilly isn't the type to appreciate discussion while eating, and I can't say I like it either. Eventually we finish both our meals, and the last of our teacups follows in short order. Lilly's the first to break the silence. LILLY: "That was very nice. I must say you've chosen quite well, Hisao." HISAO: "This is the first time I've really had much of a look around the city, so all I could really do is choose somewhere that looked nice. Uh... drat. Sorry." I feel really bad for inadvertently bringing up the subject of sight around Lilly, but she doesn't appear to mind much. Quite the opposite; she almost looks amused by my awkward attempt at an apology.  LILLY: "You are thoughtful, Hisao, but sometimes I fear that it gets the better of you. There is no need to change your speech on my account." Lilly truly is pretty comfortable in dealing with her condition. I still hasten to change the subject, as I can't really say that I share her confidence in the matter. HISAO: "Have you lived here for very long? It seems like you have this place pretty much sorted out." She quickly waves her hand in front of her face to dismiss the notion. LILLY: "It's nothing like that. I've attended Yamaku since the start of high school, but I didn't walk around the city very much because Akira, my sister, picked me up and dropped me off." HISAO: "Oh, right. You mentioned not living in the dormitories until recently." It's quite a surprise. I'd just assumed she'd been living here since entering Yamaku at the least, which would give her a few years here. LILLY: "I've lived with my family for most of my life, then I was just together with my sister. With my family having moved to Inverness long before, and Akira working longer hours, I ended up having to move." HISAO: "Inverness? Isn't that somewhere in Scotland?" LILLY: "Oh, did I not tell you? My family currently lives in Scotland, the birthplace of my mother. My father's side is mainly Japanese, though." Huh. The question of what gave Lilly her looks did cross my mind every now and again, but I'd never thought to ask. That answers that, then. HISAO: "To be honest, I'd never have guessed. Considering you have no accent, I'm guessing you were born here?" LILLY: "Full marks. I am thankful for my heritage though, as without it I'd likely have not been taught English so early in my life. And what of you, Hisao?" HISAO: "What about me?" She gives a moment's thought. She probably should have thought of what to ask me before switching the topic. LILLY: "I'll go with... what are your plans for the future?" HISAO: "To be honest, I haven't thought much about that recently. After my accident and subsequent months in hospital, enjoying my life here with you and Hanako has been enough for me." In fact, I don't think I've thought at all about a “future” for some time now. It seems almost futile. LILLY: "This is your last year of school. After this, you will have to fend for yourself one way or the other." HISAO: "It's not like I don't know that, I just haven't put much thought into it since then..." She opens her mouth to continue, but gives a small sigh instead. She seems to have realized that she really doesn't know enough about my situation to go too deeply into this. LILLY: "Well, we all have our own pace. I just hope you'll take any chance you see." HISAO: "...I understand. I'll think about it."
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Aug 23, 2021 19:02
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HomestarCanter posted:What an interesting coincidence! I've played partway through this mod in my Skyrim VR setup, and I'll tell you the lead-in dungeon freaked me out and unsettled me more than I've been in a long time. I'm only as far as restoring the steam system, so I haven't seen the whole story. I connected the themes more to dementia, myself, but that's likely because I've taken care of a relative who suffered from that, whereas I don't have social anxiety. Oh yeah, the dementia thing makes a lot of sense. That side of things kind of had to be in there for... Elder Scrolls lore reasons - don't want to get too off-topic - but for me I think it was more general existential dread about mental illness impacting identity, rather than "I'll make this an allegory about dementia". (And thanks; I was also trying to see if I could pull off horror in Skyrim. It was hard!) Well that's pretty cursed.  Falconier111 posted:
Huh - could have sworn Miki had lines in other routes too. I must have just been thinking of her showing up in background images.
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Aug 24, 2021 07:12
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Every time a Quad City DJs mashup is made, an angel gets its wings. 
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Aug 24, 2021 07:57
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Miki seems like an interesting character, I can see why people liked the idea of her having her own route.
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Aug 24, 2021 11:30
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Miki seems rad, but I can't help thinking that she could easily go to a regular school if she wanted to. Hisao too, really. I had a classmate with arrhythmia and it was never a concern, as far as I knew. I suppose past trauma plays an invisible (to others) role in their situation.
wologar fucked around with this message at 16:57 on Aug 24, 2021 |
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Aug 24, 2021 16:53
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wologar posted:Miki seems rad, but I can't help thinking that she could easily go to a regular school if she wanted to. Hisao too, really. I had a classmate with arrhythmia and it was never a concern, as far as I knew. I suppose past trauma plays an invisible (to others) role in their situation. Hisao's arrhythmia can seem pretty invisible, but he is on an absolutely gigantic amount of medication to make it manageable. And despite that, he's still literally one misstep in a hallway away from having a heart attack. If that never happens then sure he could go anywhere, but having onsite medical support (and presumably they have ways to have more medication available if he unexpectedly runs out) as well as a more considerate teaching/student staff will do wonders for his life expectancy. It gives him a few years to find out his limits, improve his body condition, and figure out how careful he needs to be to not just randomly die (at least moreso than everyone else). As far as Miki, we don't know anything about her situation.
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Aug 24, 2021 17:53
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It’s that time again, folks! We have another round of  posts to work into the OP, and I’d like to lay out exactly what happens next. Psycho Lawnmower, EclecticTastes, Alien Arcana, BurningBeard, Nidoking, Antistar01, and Dance Officer, you’ve all made posts that warrant inclusion and have already given ongoing permission. This is just a courtesy call to let you know in case you have anything you want to change.Poll, gegi, Dareon, and Zeron (with an important post coming in at the literal last minute) you also qualify but I haven’t received permission from you yet, so you get the full spiel. I need your permission in the thread or through a PM to put your posts in the OP. I have a background in oral history, and I know drat well how sensitive information about a person’s disabilities is from a legal and moral standpoint. But I can’t really apply the full set of ethical standards to this without it getting ridiculous, so this is my compromise with myself. You can give me permission just to use those specific posts in the OP or give it for any of your posts going forward; in the latter case, say specifically that  you grant me permission to use your posts in this thread going forward unless you specifically say otherwise . And I mean it - you can tell me at any time to take this stuff down and I will. I’ve also been planning on setting up a backup for this LP on AO3 in case something goes wrong over here before I complete it and it enters the LP Archive; while I will upload the text of your posts there, I’ve settled on using abbreviated versions of people’s usernames there to preserve some anonymity, and you can request I make your records there anonymous or leave them out entirely. Or let me use your full username over there if you want, whatever. You keep the same rights over your information as you get here, too.E: because I forgot: BurningBeard posted:Adding names to who’s speaking is a big improvement. TBH I was skimming this before primarily for the disability corner stuff because the game itself didn’t particularly interest me. I was just grateful for an educational spot that felt welcoming from the perspective of someone with a disability, so I didn’t bother to complain about inaccessible stuff. I understand why you made that decision and I’m not mad or anything, but please, please don’t do this. I really need to know where I’m falling short so I can try and fix it. We settle enough for half-measures as it is. I mean, there ARE places where I have to cut corners due to time, ability, or Something Awful’s coding, but unless I say otherwise assume I don’t know about an issue and bring it up. Falconier111 fucked around with this message at 20:19 on Aug 24, 2021 |
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Aug 24, 2021 17:55
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On the topic of portraying social anxiety from the inside or outside; I was thinking about this earlier and suddenly remembered WataMote. Can't believe I didn't think to mention it before; it seems pretty relevant while we're on Hanako's route. It definitely focusses on portraying it from the inside. It's all about the rich internal world of Tomoko, who then can barely manage to stutter out a few words when it comes to talking to people. She's also kind of a little poo poo, though. Basically the Japanese teenage girl version of the worst 4chan troglodyte you can imagine. Her repeatedly running afoul of her incredible lack of self-awareness can be hard to watch. Very hard. I remember seeing someone say something like "how much you can laugh at WataMote reveals how much you can laugh at yourself." I still can't help but sympathise with her though, due to just how much she suffers from her social anxiety. She does have actual character development too - especially in the manga, which (last I checked) is still going, and which continues on far beyond the anime. It's remained funny and become a substantially less brutal experience. Oh, also: the opening theme is great. Far from the typical ear-bleeding J-Pop, it goes with a somewhat more atypical metalcore approach. I think it's what first introduced me to Kiba of Akiba, a band I quite like.
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Aug 25, 2021 09:09
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Update 46: Antiques and Pies (Silence, City Noises)  As we walk back out into the city, Lilly takes hold of my arm once again. LILLY: "So, did you get any good ideas for a present?" HISAO: "To be honest, no. I've never been very good at picking them." LILLY: "As absurd as it sounds, perhaps we should just... look around?" Hearing Lilly utter those words throws me for a moment. HISAO: "Er... right. How do we do that?" LILLY: "That's just the reaction I was expecting. It's simple; you can go window shopping, and just tell me what is around. If something interesting comes up, then we might get an idea." HISAO: "Right... I'm still not so sure of this, but I'll take your word for it." LILLY: "I think we'll manage. Hanako, my sister, and I manage to do it well enough."  With Lilly's simplistic and rather optimistic statement, we set off into the shopping district of the city and I start describing everything I see to Lilly. It's hard to think of Hanako going window shopping. She doesn't feel like the type to place much stock in fashion, nor have I noticed her reading magazines or the like. In fact, all I think I've really seen her do as a hobby is read books. HISAO: "There's a housewares shop just ahead. Looks like it's mostly crockery though." LILLY: "I can't think that she'd have much of a need for that, and what type of message would that send to her?" HISAO: "Um... “cook more food?” That's not such a bad idea, maybe..." LILLY: "Sometimes it's best to leave these things alone, Hisao." Once again, I get the feeling that Hanako's exploits in the kitchen aren't always successful. Lilly must have had to help her with that sometimes. HISAO: "Let's see, next along is a bookshop... that seems like a good one, she's always reading." LILLY: "Yes, but there are a few problems with books. I'm not quite sure what she has and hasn't read." HISAO: "What about a gift card then?" LILLY: "There's nothing as impersonal as giving someone a gift card. It's like saying “I don't know enough about you to work out what you'd like.”" HISAO: "I always thought of it as making sure they got what they wanted." LILLY: "Giving people gifts is supposed to show them the level of affection you have for them. If you can't decide on a simple gift for them, then how much could you think of them?" HISAO: "Right, right, no gift cards." Lilly seems overly passionate about this, but I can see her point. If you're going to get something for someone, then you should put at least some thought into it. If I want to get something for Hanako that reminds her of us every day, then what good is a gift card? HISAO: "In that case, what did you get Hanako last year?" LILLY: "A porcelain doll. I thought that if she had someone to talk to, it might help her ease her pain. A doll isn't ever going to criticize her, after all." HISAO: "So should I be looking for a doll shop?" LILLY: "If you could be so kind to keep a lookout for one, I would be grateful." HISAO: "Sounds good to me, though I wish you'd mentioned it earlier." LILLY: "But if I did that, then you wouldn’t have started thinking for yourself, would you?" Once again Lilly has a point. My brain is currently analyzing every store we pass for gift options. If Lilly had mentioned a doll shop to begin with I wouldn't have thought of anything else.  We wander through the city's streets, but seem unable to find anything that resembles a doll shop, or anything that I could consider a fitting present. The simple act of searching is starting to clear my head. The events of last week are starting to fade away, and I'm looking forward to giving Hanako her gift... ...if I can find one, that is. HISAO: "This is hopeless. I thought we'd be able to find something in the city for sure. And I'm sure we've walked down this street at least once before." LILLY: "That almost sounds like you're giving up, Hisao." HISAO: "I'm not, but it's a lot harder than I thought." LILLY: "Try not to be so restricted in your thinking. Maybe we should actually go into some shops and have a look around?" HISAO: "That might work. I've never really been any good at window shopping." Lilly and I circle around the city's streets once more, this time popping into stores that catch our attention. In the end, though, nothing comes up as especially appropriate. Hanako's tastes are often quite hard to pin down at the best of times, thanks to her intensely private nature, and those tastes we do know are hard to accommodate. LILLY: "May we take a break for a minute? I'm a bit exhausted." I agree and leave Lilly to rest against a railing while I go to get a couple of drinks from a nearby vending machine. After walking up to the vending machine and grabbing myself some lemonade, I find myself at a bit of a loss. Not really knowing Lilly's tastes, I decide to take a guess and grab something that seems a little girly, but not too weird; strawberry-flavored milk. HISAO: "Back." I walk up to her and place the carton into her outstretched hands, making sure she has a grip on it before letting go. She feels out its contours before opening it and taking a very tentative sip, her approving smile afterwards telling me I made the right choice. We both rest and have a quiet drink for a few minutes. A familiar soft ringing begins to sound from Lilly's side. She quickly apologizes as her hand goes into her pocket, pulling out her mobile phone. LILLY: "Do you mind if I take this?" HISAO: "It's fine, don't worry." She nods to me in thanks before turning away and flipping the phone open, bringing it to the side of her face as she picks up the call. Going by the tone of Lilly's voice, the person on the other end is no doubt some friend or another. I tune out of their conversation pretty quickly, as the snippets that Lilly says make it sound like little more than gossip. Without much else to do, I find myself watching Lilly. She really is a pretty girl, which would hardly hurt her popularity in school. It's interesting just how much Hanako and Lilly contrast with each other, in both personality and appearance. For a few minutes I just lean back and drink, watching her. Before long, Lilly says her goodbyes to the person she's talking to and hangs up, placing her phone back in her pocket and leaning back against the railing as before. LILLY: "Sorry, just a friend from class." I take one final swig from my can before throwing it into the bin. Lilly gives me her carton to throw away soon after, finishing it off relatively quickly. HISAO: "You seem to have a lot of friends." LILLY: "Oh?" Lilly waits for me to continue, her interest piqued. HISAO: "I was just thinking that you and Hanako contrast really heavily. It's hard to imagine Hanako doing a lot of the things you do, or knowing the people you know." LILLY: "You seem to think about Hanako quite a bit." HISAO: "I don't know. It's just... she's mysterious, I guess. I kinda want to know more about her, which isn't that easy." LILLY: "It almost sounds like you're doubting your relationship to her." HISAO: "I don't think it's that. I just want to do more for her, being her friend and all. I don't even really know how she sees me." This statement seems to interest Lilly quite a bit. I wonder if Hanako's said anything about me to Lilly during their conversations. I'm about to ask what's on her mind as she picks herself up from the railing. LILLY: "Shall we be off, then?" Her voice and expression show that she's playing games with me. Lilly knows drat well that she's leaving me hanging. With a sigh, I pick myself up off the railing as well and have a brief look around. We have stuff to do, so I'll just try and get back to her about this later. Tucked in between a newsstand and a convenience store is a small shop. The sign above the door reads “Othello's Antiques” in decorative English script. It would be easy to miss if we were walking along the street, but since we're stationary and I'm purposefully looking around, it's just noticeable. HISAO: "Say, Lilly... that doll you got Hanako; was it new?" LILLY: "Well, yes, but I'm not quite sure I know what you mean." HISAO: "I think I've found our shop. It's across the road." LILLY: "Oh? What is it? Some kind of toy shop?" HISAO: "It's an antique shop. I think it's probably going to be our best bet." LILLY: "Really? I didn't know we even had one of those near here." HISAO: "Neither did I, I missed it the first time we went by here. It's pretty well hidden." LILLY: "Well then, it can't hurt to check." Inspired by this new find, we quickly dust ourselves off and head towards the store, Lilly's hand finding its way to my elbow for guidance. Katawa Shoujo OST - Air Guitar (City Sounds Stop) The store has a strange, musky scent to it. The layout is more like a garage than a store; things are strewn around the floor without any immediate semblance of order.  The shopkeeper gives us an almost bored look though his particularly small eyes. His face looks weary and tired, and his dress style is distinctly anachronistic. He gives us a polite nod of welcome before going back to his book. Lilly holds tightly onto my arm, and I find myself having to split my efforts between making sure we don't miss a potential gift for Hanako and making sure Lilly doesn't inadvertently bump into anything. The task is quite difficult given the haphazard way the store is laid out, and the many things poking out of the shelves they're on or sitting on pieces of furniture, but eventually we safely arrive at an old desk covered in dolls and teddy bears. HISAO: "I think this is the right place. There's pretty much every kind of doll you could imagine here." LILLY: "That should make the choice much simpler. Could you please pick one for me, Hisao?" I had a feeling that it would come to this. I picture Hanako in my mind, and try to imagine which of the dolls before me would suit her the best. My eyes wander across the collection; each one is as exquisite as the one before it. The sheer number of styles is boggling, but eventually one catches my eye. HISAO: "Here, what about this one?" I pick up a small porcelain doll that looks to be at least somewhat affordable. Dressed in a Victorian era green dress with a little brown hat sitting atop its blonde hair, it looks a little like Lilly. I gently pass it to her, who delicately feels her way around the object while wearing a look of slight concentration. LILLY: "It certainly feels beautiful. Do you think it would suit Hanako, in your opinion?" HISAO: "I think it would; it could look good in her room." LILLY: "In that case, I'll trust your judgment. Will you be getting her something as well, or shall this be a shared gift?" HISAO: "Hmm, I'm not sure. I think I should get her something myself, but I don't think getting her another doll is such a great idea. Maybe..." I let my voice trail off as I look around the shop. Resting on a writing table not far from us is a decorative box that catches my eye. HISAO: "Wait here, I think I've found something..." LILLY: "My my, that was fast." I gingerly walk through a collection of crystal glassware and pick up the box. The wooden sides are covered in carvings depicting ancient battles around a castle. The top, however, looks far too familiar. Alternating squares of white- and black-varnished wood are arranged on the lid. SHOPKEEPER: "That's a really nice item. It's a chess set from overseas."  The store owner's sudden appearance startles me a little; I didn't see him approaching at all. I suppose he's trying to help us because we don't really look like we know what we're looking for. ...Or on the other hand, maybe he wants to keep an eye on us because he suspects we might shoplift instead. HISAO: "I'm... looking for a present for a friend." SHOPKEEPER: "I see. In that case, this chess set would make a fine choice." Realization floods into my mind. This is a pretty good-looking set, but this is an antique shop. They're not well known for their bargain prices. HISAO: "How old is this?" SHOPKEEPER: "This is a reproduction. My best estimate is that it's about five years old." HISAO: "I see. How much?" He thinks a little before telling me, which is slightly disconcerting. SHOPKEEPER: "I'll let you take this now for 7000 yen." I balk a little; I wasn't expecting to spend that much, but this does seem perfect. Then again, maybe that's a testament to how well he worked out how much he could make me pay. HISAO: "Couldn't make it 5000?" SHOPKEEPER: "5500, no lower." HISAO: "I'm sold. Oh, we'd also like to get that doll..." The store owner looks over my shoulder, focusing on Lilly and the doll in her hands. His eyes narrow, and he visibly takes a moment to switch mental gears. In the process, his smile drops slightly." SHOPKEEPER: "Ah..." I guess that means that not everything in his store is a reproduction." SHOPKEEPER: "Are you quite sure that you want that doll, miss?" LILLY: "I trust my friend's judgment." SHOPKEEPER: "I see... oh, no offense..." LILLY: "None taken. If you could please wrap it for me, it would be appreciated." SHOPKEEPER: "Yes, of course, but it is 20,000 yen..." Lilly reaches into her purse and presents four crisp-looking 5,000 yen notes." LILLY: "Here you are, 20,000 yen." The storekeep dutifully takes them and the doll, and proceeds to the counter. I take Lilly's arm to guide her there. HISAO: "Are you sure about this?" LILLY: "It's okay; I... have the funds I need. As I said, I trust your judgment." I feel a little guilty on two fronts; firstly because Lilly has just spent a lot of money on my recommendation, and secondly because I have a feeling the value of my gift isn't high enough. Nevertheless, Lilly does seem to get somewhat awkward whenever the mention of money comes about... I hand the shopkeeper my present and the money for it in turn. He puts the cash into the register before busying himself with wrapping the doll and repeating the process on the chessboard. Eventually, he finishes the giftwrapping and hands us both our presents. SHOPKEEPER: "Please be careful on your way back, and do come again." HISAO: "Thanks." LILLY: "Indeed, thank you very much." The store owner bows deeply to us as we leave. (Silence, City Noises)  LILLY: "Well, it did take us all day, but we found something in the end." HISAO: "That we did." Now that the presents are wrapped, I'm feeling a little impatient to give them to Hanako. It's a common reaction to buying gifts; wanting to see the reaction of the receiver as they discover what it is. And part of me wants to return to Hanako, just to confirm her condition with my own eyes. HISAO: "So should we head back?" LILLY: "Let's. We've done a lot of walking today, so I shan't mind taking a rest back at the dormitories." Lilly's right. Now that the need to find a shop is over, my legs are feeling quite tired. HISAO: "Well then, back to the school for us. I'm looking forward to resting for a bit, too." Lilly holds out her arm, and I link mine with hers. Together, we make our way back to the bus stop. Katawa Shoujo OST ~ Passing of Time  Katawa Shoujo OST - Stride Mutou reads equations and formulas to us one by one, in his usual, unenthusiastic monotone, directly from the book. It's possible that he might be excited about what he teaches us; sometimes he can display an awkward spark of passion for it, as if he's starting to get into the material. Most days, however, are like this one. What we're covering is fairly simple, so I find it increasingly difficult to keep my concentration on him. It's not too long until my legs begin aching again, which only makes it even harder. I'm almost starting to regret walking around the city yesterday with Lilly. Since leaving the hospital, I've done very little physical exertion. Walking to and from the local corner store hardly counts. Despite Emi's attempts when I first arrived in Yamaku, I've largely given up on the idea of ever returning to my old level of fitness. I have little doubt that's why walking around town for so many hours has made me quite so sore. It's depressing, and it reminds me of one more thing I can't do since I had my heart attack. It makes me feel pathetic.  MUTOU: "Now... Ikezawa?"  It's odd for Mutou to ask Hanako a question, but not unheard of. She quickly jumps to her feet, a little startled, and immediately pins her eyes onto him. She knows that Mutou calling on her is rare, so all eyes in the classroom are going to be on her. This way, she doesn't run the risk of making eye contact with anyone else.  HANAKO: "Y-yes?" MUTOU: "In this particular example of a redox reaction, the combustion of methane reaction actually produces one more product than is listed. That product is...?" Even though it's a softball question, she timidly waits a bit before answering, biting down slightly on her lower lip as if to keep her concentration. HANAKO: "Um... h-heat?" MUTOU: "Well done. This is an exothermic reaction, with the reaction giving more heat than is put into it." Receiving a nod from Mutou, Hanako takes her seat once again and gives a relieved sigh. A shaky start, but it's something. It'll be nice to take her out for her birthday, somewhere different from the usual isolation of her room and the tea room. With the progress she's made until now, I don't think she'll have much of a problem going to the city. MUTOU: "Right then. For the remainder of this class I'd like you to work in groups of three or four on the problems in chapter 12. I'll be here if you need me." Mutou sits down behind his desk, pulls some loose sheets out of a folder and starts on some kind of paperwork of his own. I thought teachers were supposed to do that kind of thing after class, not during it.  Regardless, I look to my right to pick out someone to form a group with. Given the two smiling faces hovering near mine, I don't think I'm going to get much say in the matter. HISAO: "I suppose we have a group, then."  MISHA: "Hicchan~! You want to work together? Okay, okay~! That's great! It's really been a while~!" The class begins the process of noisily shuffling the desks around, with Shizune doing the same as she puts hers in front of mine. She's a little lucky to not be able to hear the din of the classroom, which is loud enough to cause some discomfort. Truth be told, working with Shizune and Misha is probably a good outcome - Shizune and I are pretty good at this subject, and Misha... has really nice handwriting.  As I look to Misha, I notice a tall figure behind her. The shadow catches Misha's attention as well and she turns to face the dark-haired observer.  MISHA: "Good afternoon, Hanako~!" HANAKO: "Um... hello..." Shizune finally notices Hanako, after looking up and following the gazes of Misha and I. In quick measure, she taps Misha on the shoulder to get her attention before signing away.  SHIZUNE: "..." MISHA: "Shicchan says, if you're looking for a group, you can join ours~!" Hanako looks down and blushes a little at the offer. Out of all the people in the class, Hanako's most familiar with the three of us, so it's reasonable that she'd come to us first. Then again, her actually coming up to a group with the intention of joining them is something she apparently very rarely did before. She leaves briefly to drag her desk over, and Shizune and Misha wheel back to me as soon as her back is turned. SHIZUNE: "..." MISHA: "I guess we get to play again, Hicchan~! You hardly ever play with us any more..." HISAO: "I wonder why? You two always seem to have some ulterior motive." SHIZUNE: "..." MISHA: "That hurt, Hicchan... I'd almost think you were insulting me~! But~! It's Hicchan, so I know that you're joking!" HISAO: "Such a great sense of humor about it; it'd be awful if someone were to take advantage of your good nature. Like making you help them with their work." SHIZUNE: "..." MISHA: "Wahaha~!" Shizune seems excited for a second, a little surprised that I'm willing to challenge her, but when she sees Hanako coming back, she backs off with a smile. I guess the mind games are over early today.  Hanako gently sets down her desk in front of Misha's. Her eyes are locked downwards, and I'm left wondering why until I look around the class. Most are busy setting up their own groups, but a few are casting curious glances at her. At this range, it's hard to tell whether that is where their interest in her ends, or if they are talking about her as well. It's strange. No one bats an eyelid when Hanako runs out of class to avoid group work, but now that she's making an effort they're staring at her as if she's done something wrong. We all move to sort ourselves out, spreading our textbooks and worksheets around the larger surface created by the four joined desks. It isn't long before the class as a whole gets down to work. MISHA: "Hi, Hanako~! It's nice to finally work with you~." HANAKO: "Y-yeah." SHIZUNE: "..." MISHA: "Are you the reason Hicchan has been avoiding us, lately~? Shicchan says it's a little rude, but if Hicchan wanted to spend time with a cute girl, it's understandable~!" HANAKO: "I-I don't t-think it's like that..." Hanako starts to fidget, unused to this kind of attention. I think that an ordinary person would drop the conversation by now, but Misha is like the antithesis of Hanako. Part of that includes being blind to ordinary social cues, while Hanako is overly sensitive to them. Because of that, Misha barrels ahead with the questions, too quickly for me to get a chance to interject and guide the discussion somewhere more comfortable. MISHA: "Really~? So~! He wasn't hanging out with you yesterday?" HANAKO: "N... no..." (Silence) I can feel my cover being blown already. Lilly didn't want Hanako to know that we were out buying presents for her, let alone planning out her birthday party. It wouldn't be good for her to find out. HISAO: "Yeah I was... doing something else. You know how it is..." SHIZUNE: "..." MISHA: "Really~? I wonder what was so important, for Hicchan to blow us off like that~! If it wasn't to spend time with Hanako, then what could it be~? It's really interesting..." Now this is starting to feel like an interrogation. I'm surprised at how Misha is able to exert such a feeling of pressure without actually intending to. HANAKO: "W... were you with L-Lilly?" Out of nowhere, Hanako manages to stumble on the answer. She may be dreadfully quiet and shy, but she's very intuitive. HISAO: "W-what makes you say that?" HANAKO: "Y-yesterday Lilly said something s-similar." SHIZUNE: "..." MISHA: "Suspicious~! Hicchan~! I demand that you explain yourself!" HISAO: "Hey, shouldn't we be doing the assignment?" MISHA: "But~! It's so mysterious... Even Hanako wants to know~!" I turn to look at Hanako. It's true; from the expression on her face, it's obvious that she wants to know as well, and I think we're past the point where I could weasel out of having to provide an explanation. I apologize to Lilly in my mind. She really did want to keep it a secret, but now it doesn't seem possible any more. I feel a rush of conflicting emotions, so jumbled that I can't readily identify them, but they crash around in my head as I try to calm down and speak. HISAO: "All right, I'll tell you. I went into town with Lilly, but it wasn't what you think. Lilly and I were... uh... for Hanako's birthday... we were..." The cat is out of the bag. But it looks like Hanako is taking it a little better than I thought she would. A brief silence passes around our little group as Shizune and Misha look at each other sheepishly. I can tell that they didn't expect their game to turn out like this.  Misha looks up to Hanako in order to apologize, then pauses. Hanako is staring at the middle of her desk and barely moving, a maudlin expression on her face. I guess I was wrong about her taking it well. MISHA: "Hanako? I'm sorry..." There's a few seconds' pause, but Hanako lifts and shakes her head. HANAKO: "I-it's... okay..." Her expression looks odd, like she's very tired. That doesn't seem natural, but it's nothing alarming. Nobody really wants to continue with the current conversation, so we open our textbooks and begin our group work.
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Aug 25, 2021 19:42
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This example aside, with the obvious social faux pas…I’m noticing a lot of talking that Hisao and Lilly are doing about Hanako, without Hanako being a part of those conversations. Where I stand currently? I feel like Lilly always had these concerns, and is very much a person of action. Once Hisao also entered the picture and worked to Hanako’s support and comfort, Lilly saw an ally..I don’t think we’ve hit anything worrying yet, though. It certainly doesn’t help that I’m reading a manga called “Komi Can’t Communicate” which is showing social communication disorder and the similar, but functionally different kinds of anxieties between someone who wishes to communicate with excellent (and romantic as well) friend support in the person’s first friend, and Kawata Shojo-a story that has our MC learning quickly, but with enough foibles and smaller pitfalls. Psycho Lawnmower fucked around with this message at 20:35 on Aug 25, 2021 |
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Aug 25, 2021 20:32
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The description of the doll they choose sounds very inspired by Suiseiseki, from the Rozen Maiden manga.
nielsm fucked around with this message at 20:44 on Aug 25, 2021 |
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Aug 25, 2021 20:40
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Welcome to page 20, the most image-heavy page in the LP. Interviews with Monster Girls, Episode 2: Dullahan-chan Wants to be Coddled (Pt. 2)  And now we hit one of the weirdest and most uncomfortable parts of the anime.  Kyouko and Hikari are discussing a crush of Kyouko’s. Hikari is firmly of the opinion that she should just go and ask him out immediately; Kyouko’s a lot more hesitant, unsure whether her feelings are returned. Hikari dismisses her concerns, directly telling Kyouko she’s attractive enough that she could make him hers by showing him her tits. Jesus gently caress, Hikari, I’m pretty sure that’s not the foundation of a healthy relationship.  And then we hit the root of the problem: she’s a dullahan. I won’t go into it too much here because it’ll be the subject of a disability corner… Somewhere down the line, but there are a LOT of issues around how being disabled affects your romantic life. Whether it’s the perception that we’re all helpless and entering a relationship is taking advantage of us, us not meeting societal standards of beauty, the belief that any partner will end up having to support us, and who knows what else, it makes sense that she’s nervous about her chances.  Hikari takes another tack, arguing that her detached head gives her all kinds of… Advantages. And we touch on the OTHER side of disability and sexuality: there are people out there who fetishize disabled people, especially amputees, which ALSO isn’t the best basis for a relationship.  Hikari then immediately admits she’s full of poo poo…  … And reroutes the conversation into asking what kind of date Kyouko’s looking for.  Basically, she just wants him to carry her head on a walk around town, nothing fancy.  But then we learn her crush.  It’s Takahashi.   And Hikari takes out her phone.    Timeskip. Hikari’s set up an “experiment” where Takahashi will carry Kyouko’s head around town.  But while Kyouko plan to take her body along, Hikari forces her to leave it behind.  Hikari tricked her teacher into taking her friend out on her perfect date. That’s… Wow. I don’t even know where to start with that one.  After they set out, Takahashi reveals he has no idea what kind of “experiment” this is. Kyouko tells him that, well, this is the kind of date she wants to go on, and she’s using this as a trial run. To work out the kinks.  Apparently, he thinks this is a great idea, instead of something a teacher really shouldn’t be involved in. I mean, of all the people in the world she could have gone with here, Takahashi is possibly the best choice, but, watching this just sets off alarm bells in my head. The show goes out of its way to clarify that Takahashi does NOT think of this as a date (which is in line with his established tendency to miss social cues when both research and demis are involved), but, drat, you’d think this would register.  And part way through that conversation we cut back to Hikari’s house, where she’s watching Kyouko gesticulating and wondering what they’re talking about. The next section jumps between Kyouko’s head and body, watching how they affect each other over the course of the “experiment”. Normally I’d go into more detail, but the whole teacher-student-date thing is leaving a bad taste in my mouth, so I’ll skip to the commentary.  Notably, Kyouko brings up her encounter with Yuki earlier, and how she seemed almost scared of her and Hikari. Takahashi wonders whether he should talk with her and she’s like  .  She also gets motion sick and has to have a sit down part way through the walk.    On the way back, Takahashi uses this as a teaching moment. For most of the day, he’d just been holding her head in his arms, but as he walks them home, he holds it out in front of him, gently bobbing it so it remains more or less still despite his gait (which she seems to like better). He hypothesizes she got motion sick because human heads don’t handle that kind of up-and-down motion very well: most people’s necks keep their heads stable subconsciously, and she’d adapted to use her arms in the same way. She’s kind of like “wow, I never thought about it like that”. And yeah, a lot of us just to think about the ways we adapt to our condition until they’re taken away. Or just period. It’s natural, you know? You can’t really tell you to do things or experience them different from other people until you compare experiences. It’s a big part of why people who could use accommodations don’t always know that for which accommodations they need. That sort of “huh, I didn’t realize that” reaction isn’t universal, of course, but I’ve seen it often enough for it to register.  Anyway, skip to the end of the day. Takahashi still seems to think this was some kind of experiment, and all three parties agree it was a success. Kyouko walks home, leaving Hikari and Takahashi behind.  And then Hikari asks him a question about Kyouko.   The next day, Sakie spots Takahashi chatting with the principal about Kyouko – specifically, about the bag situation. Remember how she had to put her bookbag down and crouched pull out her phone? Takahashi points out that juggling her head like that is a dangerous and complicated process and they could just get around that by granting her permission to use a backpack instead. The principal agrees with a strong “drat, good catch” air.   Sakie, hiding from them around the corner, sees the whole thing. That…  … As well as him asking the principal to frame this as something he came up with to avoid undermining her homeroom teacher’s authority…  … And also his forearms…  …Start to bring her around.  The day after, she watches him complement Kyouko on her new backpack, and the episode ends.
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Aug 25, 2021 22:51
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You have my permission to use any content of mine you deem appropriate from this thread, unless I specify otherwise on a per-post basis. I have no preference whether to be attributed anonymously or with my username, so I leave that to you. If you do use my username, however, make it "Dareon Clearwater". There are a few other Dareons out there and I don't need to be the impetus of a series of events that make their lives harder somehow. The episode of Monster Girls feels just innocent enough. Maybe you're glossing over a more uncomfortable part, but purely because Takahashi completely misses the social cues, it plays out as a very safe way for Kyouko to satisfy her schoolgirl crush. High schoolers being attracted to their teachers is not uncommon, and while it comes to nought unfortunately less often than it should, it's usually merely a prelude to a more healthy relationship with someone more appropriate in terms of age and power dynamic. There's obviously room for it to head towards creepy town, but I do agree they could steer away as well. And. Well. If we want to discuss sexualization of disability, that episode is clearly a jumping-off point for a doujin or twelve.
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Aug 26, 2021 10:15
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Update 47: Falling This update contains a fairly vivid description of a panic attack. So, if you have an issue with reading that, now you know. Katawa Shoujo OST - Caged Heart This is pretty dull. While the equations we're supposed to work out as a group will take a while, most of it is going to be boringly mechanical. It also doesn't help that while that didn't go as bad as it could have, it has left an awkward atmosphere around us. Still, we manage. Shizune's face betrays that she has about the same expectations of our work as I do, and the two of us begin to write our group's results. Misha, on the other hand, is scrunching up her lips and very visibly trying to make heads or tails of what we're doing. Hanako is looking on quietly, absorbing what we write and what I say. She usually has this same expression when the teacher speaks. It's a shame her attendance is so unreliable. With the way she takes in information, I think she'd do quite well in class, if she actually followed the lessons regularly. I wonder if this might be why Shizune seems so hard on her. MISHA: "Hey, Hanako, do you understand this~?" Misha looks to Hanako, but I suspect her hope is more to find a comrade in ignorance rather than genuine help. HANAKO: "I-I... um... n-not really... I g-guess..." I'm surprised by how tense she is in answering, but she settles back down. She breathes out, and the way her upper body and head lower reminds me of a deflating balloon. HISAO: "You okay? I could go over this bit if you want." Hanako shakes her head slightly, but then again, I don't think she needs the extra explanation despite what she said. Misha quickly interjects, entirely oblivious, and I end up slowly going through how we ended up at one of our results, step by step. Times like this remind me that this kind of work may not be mechanical for everyone, but rather feels that way to me due to my grasp of the subject. It's a satisfying feeling. As Misha brings her balled fist onto an open hand in realization, I discover another nice feeling. My explanation got through to her, and she manages to work out the next equation by herself with a minimum of guidance. Throughout all of this, Hanako is unusually unresponsive. She's normally very quiet, but one can still see her eyes roving periodically over the landscape of the classroom in front of her, or anxiously moving her hands in some way, or shifting her shoulders periodically.  Right now, these small movements that I've gotten used to seeing are all missing. Someone not moving at all is definitely weird. Even Misha can tell there's something wrong. MISHA: "Hanako? Are you sure you're okay?" HANAKO: "Y-yes..." HISAO: "Are you sure?" HANAKO: "I'm fine." A little more strongly, this time, but she turns away as she says it. It only makes me doubt her answer, yet at the same time, I can tell she doesn't want to talk about it further. Having already had one very awkward conversation today that I'm still not fully over, I don't want to pursue the matter too much either. We settle back into our routine, debating over our answers whenever a doubt comes up, but as time goes on I notice that Hanako isn't talking at all. It's frustrating; she had made so much progress. It makes me a little angry at Shizune and Misha for undoing the surprise Lilly had wanted to keep secret so much. I know I'm at fault, too. Maybe I could have kept it under wraps somehow. Shizune has noticed Hanako's silence as well, and is also getting antsy. I can see it on her face. It's strange that even though she's deaf, Shizune has perceived Hanako's unusual quietness sooner than Misha. SHIZUNE: "..." MISHA: "Hanako, you're being too quiet~. You have to contribute, too~! Someday, we might work on a bigger project, like one that's so big it's worth celebrating afterwards, like with ice cream, or cake. If you act like this, we won't take you along~!" I can tell that they're trying to tease her to bring her out of her shell, but I don't think that that kind of approach will work on Hanako. It will just make her feel worse. HISAO: "Guys, don't tease her like that." SHIZUNE: "..." MISHA: "Hicchan, it's all in good fun~! Shicchan says she teases everyone, anyway." They do back off, though, with Misha moving away from the issue by asking me a question again. On seeing how difficult the problem she is working on is, I don't know whether it was a skillful dodge, or mere coincidence. It takes way more of our time than necessary, because Shizune keeps disagreeing with me while I'm trying to explain it to Misha, and Misha is quick to believe her over me. So quick, in fact, that she forgets to translate what Shizune is saying. HISAO: "Hey, the clock is kind of ticking down. We should speed up a little." MISHA: "Hicchan~! You sound a little like Shicchan, there..." HISAO: "Just because I looked at my watch? Jeez, is that really all it takes? Time management, and suddenly I'm the Student Council president?" Katawa Shoujo OST - Cold Iron  I look at Hanako's desk to see how she's doing, and freeze. Our papers are covered in equations, but Hanako's only halfway there. It seems like she hasn't written anything in the past twenty minutes. When I realize that, I want to kick myself for how dumb I've been. I should have known that someone as fragile as Hanako wasn't just going to brush off what happened so easily, but I've been too eager to move on from an awkward situation to notice. She has been slowly shutting down for the last half hour, and I had no clue. Her pen is still in her hand, but she doesn't slowly spin it around like she usually does. There isn't a single idle movement from Hanako.  Only the fact that she tries to inch away once she feels Shizune, Misha and I looking at her tells me that she is even still conscious. We look away, and at least in my case, it's partly out of shame that it's gotten to this point. Though on the outside she has shut down almost completely, I know that it's a different story on the inside. What kinds of things could she be thinking about as she tries harder and harder to shrink into herself, as if by willing it she could somehow disappear? Everyone is looking at her, now, stealing quick glances inbetween putting the finishing touches on their work. Misha attempts to ask her what's wrong, but that only makes the problem worse. If she weren't frozen to her seat, she would probably run out of the room right now.  Misha's questions are loud enough to be heard throughout the entire classroom, and for a second I'm ready to snap at her, because I can only imagine how much worse it's making Hanako feel. Of course, if I were to do that, it would only make the situation worse. I'd believed that Hanako had gotten stronger, and she has, but it wasn't enough, and I was too eager to believe it. Now, she's terrified, alone in the middle of the classroom, and there's nothing I can do without drawing more attention to her. It's infuriating. Misha's worried, and even Shizune is biting her lip. None of us know how to deal with this situation, so I decide to call Mutou. His judgment would probably be better than ours. I look up and manage to catch his eye, silently motioning for him to come over. I want to make as little a fuss about this as possible, since if there's anything that would make this worse, it's more attention being focused on her. I know that Hanako can see everyone staring at our group. Specifically, at her. Because they know that if there's a problem, it has to be her. Everyone knows her, and it's the first thing anyone's mind would leap to. Her reputation for being a truant has marked her as an unusual person, even in unusual Yamaku. Who knows how many times they have stared at her before. Maybe it's because she's seen the class staring at her so much that she fears their gazes like she does, cowering from them. The time it takes Mutou to walk over must be like an eternity to Hanako, and she looks as if she is about to fall over.  Mutou quietly begins to ask us what's wrong, before catching himself as he sees Hanako. MISHA: "Did... did we upset her...?" MUTOU: "Don't worry." Mutou bends down after calming Misha and looks intently at Hanako's face. MUTOU: "Hi, Ikezawa. Can I help you at all?" His voice is hushed and gentle. Everyone's acting so differently around Hanako now that the whole class has noticed something's wrong with her. Hanako doesn't respond, so Mutou gently rests a hand on her shoulder.  Her sprite vibrates irregularly. She starts shaking at his touch, but won't even look up. Hanako continues to stare into the equations on her desk, vision so unfocused that I doubt she even sees them. She is worse than before. I remember that not even an hour ago, she was able to talk to him almost normally. Mutou grimaces a bit as he stands again, and now that his expression's changed, I can see he wasn't exactly unaffected by what happened either. He takes a breath to settle himself before speaking in a very quiet voice. I'm a little impressed at how quickly he takes control of the situation. MUTOU: "Is that it? Nothing's wrong, then?" Mutou seems to say that to no one in particular. However, his words sound convincing enough that most of the people who were looking over at Hanako now turn away, getting back to their work. He gives a quick glance to his left and right. Several people at the desks around us are still staring curiously, but other than that, we seem to have escaped attracting too much attention. Mutou notices me doing the same as him and smiles a little, in his usual stilted way. MUTOU: "I think, for Ikezawa's sake, that it would be good to quickly take her somewhere away from others. Nakai, Hakamichi; could you please take Ikezawa out of the classroom? I'll keep everyone settled, so please don't worry about anything but her, okay?" He looks at Misha to tell her to interpret his words for Shizune, but she's already finishing her translation by the time he does so. It's remarkable how little thought she needs to sign, as she still looks quite dazed otherwise. Nodding, Shizune and I stand and move to either side of Hanako. Mutou steps back to allow us some room, and talks to the table behind us as some people there have begun to mutter between themselves about what's going on. We look at each other before lowering ourselves in unison, taking one arm around each of our shoulders and lifting. The two of us begin to walk, at a slow pace to make sure we don't inadvertently hurt her. As much as we try to make this look normal, I'm quite sure there would be many more gazes on us if not for Mutou's distraction. Eventually, thankfully, we reach the door and go through. Nobody's outside, so we walk down the hallway. It doesn't seem like it's making her more at ease than she was in the classroom. Finally, I ask if she wants to just sit down.  For a while, we simply stay in place and wait for her to say something. Shizune tentatively rubs Hanako's shoulder a little, but there's no response. Eventually, she shakes her head a little when Shizune tries again. Both of us are looking at her, so we pick up on it immediately. Shizune's hand again comes to rest on Hanako's shoulder as she awakens, her face lifting to two very worried and anxious people looking at her. She looks at us silently for a while. I'm initially worried she might freak out or do something extreme, but those fears prove unwarranted as her expression slowly changes from an almost lifeless blank state to a more normal withdrawn shyness. She wordlessly lowers her head, her eyes evasively moving to the side. She looks embarrassed, almost ashamed. I want to say something, anything, to help. I can't, though. I don't really know what just happened, or even what caused it. I feel helpless, and ashamed of myself for not being of any use. Shizune sighs before looking at me. Even without words, I think I can tell what she's asking. HISAO: "I'll take Hanako to the nurse. Is that okay by you?" I try to communicate my intentions through hand gestures, but I don't feel like I manage to get through to her very well. Shizune makes a dreary face in response to my gesticulations, confirming my impression. She stabs her finger in the air decisively, first at me, then at Hanako, and then towards the stairs. She waits for me to nod before pointing at herself, then pointing at the door to the classroom. I get the feeling Shizune is much better at this than I am. I nod at her, since her plan is after all the same as mine. Shizune gets ready to make her exit, but she only leaves after looking at Hanako for quite some time. HISAO: "Are you okay with me taking you to the nurse's office?" (Silence) Hanako doesn't say anything or nod, but she stands up in place by herself, and when I begin to walk, she obediently follows. I've read about people being catatonic before, but I think this time I'm seeing it for myself. She looks extremely tired. After everything that's happened, it's not a surprise.  After Hanako silently takes off her shoes and lies on the bed in the infirmary, the nurse and I take our leave. Katawa Shoujo OST - Painful History He shuts the curtain behind us. We both take a seat, and I quietly and thoroughly go through everything that happened, in quite some detail. I want to understand what happened, and the nurse has as good a chance as anyone of knowing. He nods throughout my explanation, his face looking troubled as I finish.   NURSE: "It must have been very troubling for you to have seen all this." HISAO: "I'd be lying if I said it wasn't. I get that she fainted, but I don't really understand anything about why it happened or why she's acting like this." He nods, but his face is clouded. HISAO: "You don't know either?" NURSE: "Well... yes and no. It's complicated. I assume you've heard about the concept of patient confidentiality at some point?”  NURSE: "This is a bit of a minefield in that respect. I'm going to put this pretty bluntly; this is a matter for Ikezawa, me, and her therapist." I move to protest, but think better of it. I want to deny what he says, but if I think this through rationally, what he says makes perfect sense. HISAO: "I understand." NURSE: "Good, good. I wish I could help you more, but I think what Ikezawa needs right now isn't somebody prying into her past or her emotions. She just needs somebody to be there for her. She needs a friend. For what it's worth, I think you've done well in bringing her here. Sounds like you and your friends dealt with the situation well, too. I'd give you a lollipop or a sticker as a reward, but you might be a little too old for either." He gives a cocky grin, obviously trying his best to lighten the atmosphere. I'm not really in a laughing mood, but he does manage to get a smile out of me. HISAO: "Thanks. Um, do you mind if I stay here with Hanako?" NURSE: "I appreciate the thought, but I think it would be better to let her rest for now. She'll be let back to her dormitory room this evening, so you could visit her then." I agree with him before standing. It feels like all I can ever do around the nurse is humbly agree to what he says, but it was the same with the doctors in the hospital, too. (Silence)  The walk back to the classroom is a long one, my mind feeling heavy under the weight of so many things happening so suddenly. Katawa Shoujo OST - Raindrops and Puddles Even as I reenter the classroom, I'm thinking about Hanako. My stomach feels like it's turning into knots while I think about how to deal with her. I still don't know what I'm going to say when I see her again. Thankfully, the class doesn't pay me much heed. There are a couple of questioning glances, but overall not many people seem to be very aware of what happened. Mutou raises his eyebrows to get my attention when I pass by his desk.  MUTOU: "Nakai... I take it Ikezawa is in the infirmary now?" HISAO: "Yeah. I took her there, and the nurse said I should let her rest." Mutou nods, assuring me that I made the right call. He scratches his chin for a second before rising from his desk. MUTOU: "Everyone, I want you to continue with the exercise. Nakai, I'll see you in the hallway, please." His speech is hushed, but overall he doesn't seem to be acting too differently from how he usually does. Being a teacher, maybe it's to be expected. As we go out into the hallway, I notice him taking a quick glance left and right to check if there are any students milling around. The hallway is nearly soundless, but I can't think of anything except waiting for Mutou to speak.  MUTOU: "Nakai, what do you think the purpose of this school is?" HISAO: "Umm... to cater to the needs of disabled students?" Mutou scratches his head as he shakes it. MUTOU: "No. If we wanted to do that we would have built a whole new school from scratch. One floor. Talking whiteboards. That kind of thing. Look around, Nakai. This school is about giving you all a future that you would have been denied in regular education." HISAO: "Huh?" MUTOU: "Think of it this way. If we wanted you to graduate and go straight into a hospital, do you think we'd put in this much effort?" The bluntness of Mutou's statement temporarily stuns me, causing me to forget about the immediate situation. HISAO: "No..." MUTOU: "That's right. We want you all to leave here as useful members of society." HISAO: "I'm... not quite sure I'm following you..." MUTOU: "I have high hopes for you, Nakai. You are possibly the first student I've had that gets my lectures." That isn't something that a teacher should be admitting so freely. MUTOU: "You could easily take your studies of science well into university. Have you ever considered that?" HISAO: "I can't say I have." MUTOU: "Well, what have you considered? For your future, that is..." HISAO: "I... can't say that I've put much thought into my future." For a moment I'm distinctly reminded of Lilly questioning me about the same subject. It's only been a little over five months since I was gasping for air on the ground. It's too soon to be thinking about the future, and besides, Hanako's problems seem much bigger to me right now. Mutou gives a disapproving sigh before continuing. MUTOU: "Think of this place as an opportunity. Here you have boundless facilities, good teachers, plus the added bonus of the nurse and his staff. You should be doing nothing but thinking of the future." HISAO: "Er... right." As I raise my head to meet his gaze, a thought occurs to me; it's almost like Mutou totally side-stepped the issue at hand. HISAO: "Excuse me, but why do none of the staff seem to care when Hanako skips class? I've seen you watch her walk out of class more than once. Shouldn't you at least say something?" MUTOU: "Well, Nakai, it's not really that simple. Every student here has special needs; if it weren't for that then we wouldn't have a school here. For example, I wouldn't keep you in class if you were having trouble breathing, would I?" HISAO: "But that's not..." Mutou cuts me off before I can even think about finishing my sentence. MUTOU: "Ikezawa's case is very much like that. But instead of CPR or a pacemaker, what she needs is time and space. The faculty was made aware of this from the day she arrived here, thus whenever she feels the need to leave classes, we let her do so.”  MUTOU: “And even though she isn't a star pupil, she seems to pass all of her exams, so it hasn't affected her ability to study. Isn't that enough?" I open my mouth to protest, but I can't find a fault in his argument. While her condition does at first seem to be wholly physiological, its worst effects have been on her psyche. It still puts me off, though. Isn't he just passing on the responsibility for her problem? Surely she can't go like this for her entire life. MUTOU: "I understand that you might not be used to this kind of thing yet. It's been a big change for you. That said, it's less than a year until graduation now. Maybe you won't have to get used to this school. If you keep your head down, I'm sure you'll do well enough in your exams." I numbly nod, more to simply acknowledge that I'm listening than out of agreement. I felt like I was getting used to this school, but it feels like it's just been thrown back in my face. HISAO: "But... what about Hanako?" MUTOU: "I believe... well, I hope, that she will perform well enough to do what she wants to do. What that is, I don't know. Not all students leave school with an idea of what they want to do, unfortunately." He takes care to emphasize the last word, as if it wasn't quite clear enough already, and gives me a moment to mull his words over. MUTOU: "Today's been a troublesome day for you, and I doubt you'd be able to concentrate much anyway after all that's happened, so I'll allow you to take the rest of the day off. Your marks have been good in this class so far, which makes me think you won't have any trouble catching up on what we've been doing." He gives a small smile along with his praise, as if to make up for the seriousness of his lecturing before now. MUTOU: "Go collect your things, and I'll see you tomorrow." HISAO: "Right. Thank you." (Silence) Mutou's round-about speech has left my thoughts scattered. I'm still not any closer to working out what I can do to help Hanako, if anything, and my mind is all the more confused after what Mutou's said. I'm also still bothered by the fact that Hanako was helped at least as much by Shizune, her enemy-by-proxy, as by myself, but I don't know whether that is just male bravado or a genuine concern. While I collect Hanako's and my things from the class, I continue to try and sort out my feelings. I want to say that I understand her, and that I'm there for her... but while I might have been able to say that just yesterday, I can't say it now. I wish I could.
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Aug 27, 2021 18:28
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I grant you permission to use my posts in this thread going forward unless I specifically say otherwise. Honestly there's a lot more to say about invisible disabilities but..well it's a good rule in general to never assume that you know everything that's going on with someone just from a visual scan or knowing a bit about them. Even if someone has a visually identifiable disability, you still don't know anything about their life and what they are dealing with. As someone who has dealt with pretty debilitating anxiety attacks in the past...oof. That could have been handled a lot better by almost everyone involved. Hats off to Mutou for deflecting the attention and getting her out of the situation asap and the nurse for actually keeping Hanako's privacy this time. Hanako tried to go out of her comfort zone, but you can't always push your way through your problems. Also I like that Mutou reminded Hisao that he needs to focus on and take care of himself too.
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Aug 27, 2021 22:11
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I can't say I fully care for the (likely unintentional) characterization of anxiety disorders as purely psychological. As someone who has anxiety (fortunately, I've only had a few full-on panic attacks over the years), I can say that it's often less to do with one's thoughts and feelings and more to do with one's endocrine system going completely rogue and flooding you with fear response hormones while you do your best to remain rational in the face of your entire nervous system chemically screaming, "YOU ARE GOING TO loving DIE!" into every brain cell. Well, in my case it's sometimes "everyone secretly hates you, especially the people you like and/or respect, and they're all talking poo poo about you behind your back", but that one feels more specific to me.
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Aug 28, 2021 03:24
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Yep... "oof" sums it up. This would have to be the most effective depiction of a panic attack I've ever seen. As for how well (or not) Hisao, Misha and Shizune handled it... I don't know. I think they did alright, considering they were distracted by work, and there's the thing I mentioned in my earlier wall-of-text about how Standard Operating Procedure for people with social anxiety disorder is specifically to avoid drawing attention to yourself - even in the middle of having a panic attack. Makes it hard for others to pick up on it. But they did eventually notice, and did their best to help her, even when they were pretty shaken themselves. That's more than I ever got when I was at high school! Or... well, it wasn't in direct response to a panic attack, but there was my English teacher (my favourite teacher, actually), who was the only one to both notice that something was wrong and ask if I was okay. Unfortunately I didn't know that "panic attacks" or "social anxiety disorder" existed back then, so there was no way I could articulate what was wrong. I didn't even know what was wrong myself. It would have been really helpful if they had taught that sort of thing at school. It would have been an actually useful thing for them to cover in "Personal Development" class. Instead of "here are cross-section diagrams of male and female reproductive organs, here's a list of STDs, here's a list of contraceptive methods, and here's a list of the drugs that are bad and which you should not do." "Didn't we cover all this last year?" "Yes and shut up." EclecticTastes posted:I can't say I fully care for the (likely unintentional) characterization of anxiety disorders as purely psychological. As someone who has anxiety (fortunately, I've only had a few full-on panic attacks over the years), I can say that it's often less to do with one's thoughts and feelings and more to do with one's endocrine system going completely rogue and flooding you with fear response hormones while you do your best to remain rational in the face of your entire nervous system chemically screaming, "YOU ARE GOING TO loving DIE!" into every brain cell. Well, in my case it's sometimes "everyone secretly hates you, especially the people you like and/or respect, and they're all talking poo poo about you behind your back", but that one feels more specific to me. Well no, I can certainly understand that one - for what it's worth. Falconier111 posted:I open my mouth to protest, but I can't find a fault in his argument. While her condition does at first seem to be wholly physiological, its worst effects have been on her psyche. It still puts me off, though. Isn't he just passing on the responsibility for her problem? Surely she can't go like this for her entire life. She might not get much choice there, Hisao. Something I've had to say to people a few times re: my social anxiety is "I can't just switch it off when it becomes inconvenient. That's kind of the problem."
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Aug 28, 2021 04:03
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Antistar01 posted:She might not get much choice there, Hisao. To be fair, someone could say the same thing to Hisao about his heart condition. We're in the part of the story where he's coming to grips with everything and is adjusting his world view to compensate.
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Aug 28, 2021 04:40
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For anyone who is lucky enough to have never had a panic attack, I cannot stress enough that if you don't have any foreknowledge, it is not necessarily obvious what they are, and they have physiological symptoms that are easy to mistake for something else. It is fairly common for people to think they are having a heart attack, for instance. That was absolutely my experience the first time I had one, and if you were guessing "thinking you're having a heart attack is generally the sort of thing that makes you panic more", you're absolutely right! Panic attacks can spiral out of control very quickly, especially if you're not used to them, and it's overwhelming. (Now that I'm saying it, I wonder if the game will use the commonalities between panic attacks and heart attacks as a way for Hisao and Hanako to build a rapport with each other?) While in the story here Hanako's attack seems to have been triggered by her feeling overwhelmed, there isn't always a known catalyst and they can just come out of nowhere. I've had it happen both ways; I think, generally, I am more likely to have one if my anxiety levels are already high and I experience a sudden anxiety spike from a new stimulus, but I've also had them come out of nowhere. If Hanako has a known history of panic attacks, I'm kind of surprised she doesn't have medication on hand (but then, when you're having a panic attack, it can also be hard to remember to take a pill and go through the steps to get it; the instructions I was given were along the lines of "take the pill when you first feel the symptoms coming on, before you're in a full-on attack" but that isn't always easy to do). Then again, I suppose there's no reason to assume this couldn't be the first time.
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Aug 28, 2021 05:13
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Antistar01 posted:Well no, I can certainly understand that one - for what it's worth. Oh, sorry, I didn't mean to imply that social worries were unique to me so much as that such thoughts are more specific to an individual, whereas a general "oh poo poo I am in mortal peril" theme seems to be fairly ubiquitous among those who've suffered panic attacks, by my understanding. Which makes sense, as a nameless certainty that one is in danger (often resolving to "heart attack" due to the rush of adrenaline causing a spike in one's heart rate) would be the "default" for one's fear center, absent any other insecurities or concerns a panic attack might exploit. This brings to mind my most severe panic attack, actually, which I personally find a bit of a funny anecdote (I'll warn that there is some minor ableist language involved). So, in college, I tended to get along well with my professors, often following them out of class to discuss the day's lecture or related topics for a few minutes, just sort of soaking up their perspectives. Anyway, during one lecture, I remembered the research another prof had been working on that was similar to the day's topic, and mentioned it to the professor. The following morning, I brought up the topic and she said that she'd already heard and something to the effect that the department faculty had talked about me. She said it in a wholly neutral way, but my mind immediately moved to interpret it in the worst possible fashion, and I spent the entire class spiraling internally. Fortunately, I had a fair bit of time between that class and the next, so I dragged myself to the student union and got some lunch, which did little to alleviate the problem. So I'm sitting there in the student union, on the verge of a complete nervous breakdown, over my professor offhandedly mentioning that my teachers just happen to talk about a particularly enthusiastic student. And that's when my internal monologue suddenly paused and went (and I quote), "Wait. This is crazy. This is how a crazy person thinks. I'm going to go see the therapist now." And that's how I wound up walking into the campus mental health clinic and setting up biweekly therapy sessions. Maybe it's not that funny to others, but I've always found that sudden flash of self-awareness that my thoughts had become totally irrational kind of amusing.
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Aug 28, 2021 05:25
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Explopyro posted:If Hanako has a known history of panic attacks, I'm kind of surprised she doesn't have medication on hand (but then, when you're having a panic attack, it can also be hard to remember to take a pill and go through the steps to get it; the instructions I was given were along the lines of "take the pill when you first feel the symptoms coming on, before you're in a full-on attack" but that isn't always easy to do). Then again, I suppose there's no reason to assume this couldn't be the first time. Again, we don't know if she does or does not. Hisao doesn't have that information yet. Clearly if she did have meds, she didn't have the ability to take them, but the nurse could have given her something when she arrived.
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Aug 28, 2021 06:09
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I guess this is the route where the nurse cares about patient confidentiality.
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Aug 28, 2021 06:34
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EclecticTastes posted:I can't say I fully care for the (likely unintentional) characterization of anxiety disorders as purely psychological. As someone who has anxiety (fortunately, I've only had a few full-on panic attacks over the years), I can say that it's often less to do with one's thoughts and feelings and more to do with one's endocrine system going completely rogue and flooding you with fear response hormones while you do your best to remain rational in the face of your entire nervous system chemically screaming, "YOU ARE GOING TO loving DIE!" into every brain cell. Well, in my case it's sometimes "everyone secretly hates you, especially the people you like and/or respect, and they're all talking poo poo about you behind your back", but that one feels more specific to me. Yeah, I've had what was pretty clearly a panic attack when I was just thinking about writing a post that was directly responding to- hum. Call them an ex, call them an abuser, neither term is really appropriate or accurate, they're one of the people I was attracted to because they were broken. The wound was still fairly fresh (Not full-on "lying in bed listening to music and sobbing whenever a love song comes on," but not long after I left that phase- funny story about that, but I'm already digressing), and I was just sitting there shaking, hyperventilating, crying, and very calmly and logically thinking "What's going on? Why is my body doing this? Is- is this a panic attack? Am I- am I literally having a panic attack just by thinking about engaging with them?" For like five whole minutes I failed to understand why I was in full-on fearful shuddering while sitting calmly at my computer.
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Aug 28, 2021 11:46
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Explopyro posted:For anyone who is lucky enough to have never had a panic attack, I cannot stress enough that if you don't have any foreknowledge, it is not necessarily obvious what they are, and they have physiological symptoms that are easy to mistake for something else. ive had ones that i thought were just carsickness at first brains be fuckin weird
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Aug 30, 2021 00:52
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EclecticTastes posted:Oh, sorry, I didn't mean to imply that social worries were unique to me so much as that such thoughts are more specific to an individual, whereas a general "oh poo poo I am in mortal peril" theme seems to be fairly ubiquitous among those who've suffered panic attacks, by my understanding. Which makes sense, as a nameless certainty that one is in danger (often resolving to "heart attack" due to the rush of adrenaline causing a spike in one's heart rate) would be the "default" for one's fear center, absent any other insecurities or concerns a panic attack might exploit. Oh, nothing to be sorry for there; I was just saying that I empathise. SpruceZeus posted:ive had ones that i thought were just carsickness at first Now that you mention it, I do remember my first panic attack (even if I had no idea what was happening at the time): it was right at the start of my second year of high school - so I was 13, nearly 14 - and in class, I suddenly started feeling really nauseous. I thought I'd caught a stomach bug or something. (Because that's school, right? There's always something going around.) I couldn't connect it to any specific cause; it was just "suddenly I feel sick".
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Aug 30, 2021 06:52
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For all that they can come on gradually or masquerade as something else, they CAN strike suddenly and unmistakably. At Prom my senior year, I discovered I can’t dance when the friends I was with convinced me to hit up the dance floor. I came around, went onto the dance floor, took two steps, and had a panic attack that it took me a solid 45 minute to come down from enough to interact with other people. The fact that I still consider that one of the best nights of my childhood says a lot about my childhood. SpruceZeus posted:ive had ones that i thought were just carsickness at first One day in college I crammed an extremely depressing assignment right before class, felt a switch flip in my brain, and went, “welp, I’m about to dissociate.” Thing was, I had to give a presentation that class. While my memory formation was inhibited. Long term memory still worked, though; I do remember a point partway through when I realized I had no idea what I’d said more than a few seconds ago, but I identified where I was in my presentation notes and just moved on to the next topic. I got a B+.
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Aug 30, 2021 16:47
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Update 48: Treading Softly Katawa Shoujo OST - Nocturne I lay on my bed, trying to collect my thoughts. After Hanako's panic attack, I've found myself fundamentally reassessing the relationship we share, and what I know about her. I had a hard enough time dealing with four months in the hospital. One look at her scars tells me that she was in one for a lot longer than I was. Be that as it may, I know next to nothing about her past. She has told me about the house fire, but only in the most basic way. And what of her family? I still haven't asked Lilly about them; there hasn't been a good opportunity to bring it up. I don't know where she grew up, or what her old school was like. Nor of her past friends, her wishes and ambitions. Not even her tastes in music, food and movies... all the little things that I knew about all of my old friends. Just what have I been doing, for all this time I've been with her and Lilly? In the distance, I hear the bells signaling the end of classes. With any luck, Lilly will soon realize that neither Hanako nor I are around, and return to the dormitories. (Sudden Silence, Phone Ringing Sound Effect) My mobile phone starts to ring, cutting my thinking short. It quite startles me, as I've rarely been called since coming to Yamaku.  HISAO: "Hello, Hisao Nakai speaking..." LILLY: "Oh, Hisao, I'm glad I found you. You weren't at any of our usual places, so I thought this would be the fastest way to contact you." I probably should have guessed it would be Lilly, as she's one of the few people I've given my number to. Even through the phone, her voice sounds slightly on edge. HISAO: "I... Hanako and I left class early. She had some kind of panic attack..." The line goes silent. If it weren't for the background static, I would have thought Lilly had hung up on me. LILLY: "I understand. Could you come by my room? I'd like to talk with you." HISAO: "Sure. I'd... I'd appreciate the chance to have a bit of a talk, actually." LILLY: "Good... good. I... also have some bad news. I think we should discuss this in person." It's hard to grasp the seriousness of the situation from Lilly's tone. She sounds so calm most of the time, but that could be a good or a bad thing, depending on how you look at it. HISAO: "Okay, I'll be right there." I collect Hanako's school things from my desk and head straight for Lilly's room. I rap my knuckles on her door, and she soon calls me in. Katawa Shoujo OST - Moment of Decision  Lilly sits at the table inside her room, looking a little worse for wear; I guess that's because of the bad news. Following her gesture of invitation, I sit across from her and lay Hanako's things on the table. LILLY: "Well, there's no point in either of us waiting. Would you mind going first, Hisao? What happened today?" My memory of the incident is already beginning to fade, but I explain it as best I can to Lilly. Inviting Hanako to work with the group, Shizune and Misha's questioning, our foray to town getting discovered, and the subsequent panic attack. I add Shizune's reaction almost as an afterthought, but Lilly seems to take some kind of comfort in hearing about it. I guess rivals don't become rivals for no reason. There must be some history there, but now isn't the time to explore it. LILLY: "I see. She had said her therapist sessions were helping, but I had my doubts. It's quite a shame. Her birthday has caused problems before, but I had hoped that she would have improved with you around, and the more intensive therapy. Where is Hanako now? HISAO: "Last time I saw her she was in the infirmary. I guess she's gone back to her room by now." LILLY: "She wasn't in the library or the tea room when I checked, so I can only assume that too." HISAO: "You said you also had some bad news... what's the matter? Do they concern Hanako?" Lilly shifts her position; the body's way of saying she's searching for the right words.  LILLY: "My aunt has fallen gravely ill. I'm afraid I'm going to be heading back to Scotland to visit her, and to spend some time with my family." HISAO: "What? Is she all right? When do you leave?" LILLY: "I'm not altogether sure of exactly how she's faring at the moment, though last I heard she was stable. I'll be leaving Saturday; it's the earliest flight that I could get." “Stable.” That's code for “needs to stay in the hospital.” I've been “stable” long enough to know that, and to know that it doesn't necessarily mean someone is in good condition, but merely treading water. On the upside, “stable” is much better than “critical condition.” At least she's not on the brink of death. HISAO: "Stable... that's a relief." LILLY: "Yes, but this means that I won't be here for Hanako's birthday. I wanted to tell you now so we could think of something before we told Hanako, but after today's events, I'm not even sure if there's going to be an issue if we simply cancel the party." HISAO: "I... don't think that is such a good idea. Hanako already knows that we were planning a party now; to go back on that seems like the wrong thing to do. Also, we should do something for your going away, right?" LILLY: "You make it sound as if I won't be coming back. If all goes well, I should only be away for a week, though possibly two." HISAO: "That's one relief, at least." LILLY: "With that in mind, what do you suggest then?" HISAO: "Given the circumstances, I don't think karaoke is really appropriate. You're not going away for the greatest of reasons, so having too much fun would feel wrong. What did you do for her birthday last year?"  LILLY: "Last year... I literally couldn't get her out of her room. She'd locked the door. All I could do was leave food outside for her, making sure that she was at least eating well." This is perhaps the most depressed I've ever seen and heard Lilly act. I feel sorry for her, given how defeated she must feel to be unable to help her closest friend. HISAO: "Perhaps it would be better to throw the party before you leave, then?" LILLY: "That does sound like it would be the easiest option." HISAO: "I think we should at least tell Hanako, both about your trip and her party. I have her things from class as well." LILLY: "That's a good point. Should we go and visit her now?" HISAO: "I... I think that would be a good idea." Part of me is dying to see Hanako. The last time I saw her she looked like death walking, and these last few hours have torn me apart just thinking about that. (Silence) We quietly get up and file out of Lilly's room. Hanako's room is next door in the same hallway. Knocking lightly gets us no response, but the door proves to be unlocked. Lilly pauses for a moment as the handle unexpectedly moves under her hand, before opening the door. Katawa Shoujo OST - Breathlessly  Hanako's room is startlingly bare and monotone. There are no decorations on the plain white walls, a plain dark blue blanket, and only a few books, papers, and purely utilitarian items on the shelves. Even her bedsheets are monochrome. The entire room feels as subdued as Hanako's character.  Hanako herself is laying curled up on her bed. She may not be crying now, but her eyes are closed tightly to stop herself, and the tracks left by her tears still sit on her reddened cheeks. I quietly walk in and set her bag down on her desk, afraid of startling her too much. LILLY: "Hello, Hanako. Hisao told me about what happened today... are you all right?"  Hanako's eyes open, though only a little. HANAKO: "I... I'm okay..." She tilts her head slightly to look at me, noticing my grimacing before I can hide it.  HANAKO: "S-sorry... f-for making you w-worry. R-really... I'm f-fine now..." She really doesn't look nor sound okay, though at least she seems more calm than she was before. She still looks as if the slightest breath could emotionally break her. HISAO: "I said it before, right? You don't need to be sorry for this." LILLY: "Hisao's right. We... I... shouldn't have hidden something like a birthday celebration from you." I see Hanako shiver at the word. Lilly picks up on the silence that follows, and crouches down to Hanako's level. LILLY: "I'm the one who should be sorry, Hanako." Hanako's eyes open to peer at Lilly. She looks at Lilly for some time, taking in her face with those dark, analytical eyes of hers.  Lilly must have made the right impression on her, as Hanako recovers enough to prop herself up on the bed and shift to sitting on its side. Hanako worries about many things, but troubling others is foremost among them.  Hearing Hanako's shuffling, Lilly moves forward and feels out the side of the bed, eventually taking a seat beside her and taking Hanako's left hand in both of hers. The feeling of me being out of place when the two are together has lessened in the time that we've known each other, but it's still occasionally very much there. This is one of those times, I think. HISAO: "Lilly, if you want me to go..." HANAKO: "I don't... want that..."  Lilly and I are both surprised at Hanako mustering her courage. A half-mumbled “Okay” is all I can give her in reply, and I take her desk chair to sit in. LILLY: "Hanako, I'm afraid I have some bad news." So Lilly's going to break the news now. With Hanako having affirmed our relationship so clearly, perhaps Lilly thought the timing was good, or at least, as good as it will ever be. LILLY: "My aunt has fallen ill, so I need to return to my family for a time." Concern replaces Hanako's remorseful expression. HANAKO: "Your... family... You mean in Scotland, right?" LILLY: "That's right. Akira and I will be leaving Saturday." HANAKO: "S-so you're going away?" LILLY: "I won't be gone for long. Probably only a week or two. I'll be back before you know it, and Hisao will be here, right?" HISAO: "That's right, I'm not going anywhere." Hanako seems to take only minor comfort in this, but she does manage to summon some resolve from somewhere inside her. HANAKO: "I-is your aunt going to be all right?" LILLY: "I'm not sure." Silence falls. It's depressing that the thing to truly bring Hanako out of her rut is another's misfortune. I decide to bring up the other matter that brought us here, to distract at least in part from the dismal feeling permeating the room. HISAO: "Anyway, we were thinking that it would be a good idea to have a going-away party for Lilly, and it could double as... yeah..." I cut myself off before mentioning her birthday, as that seems to be a trigger for such fierce emotions within her. Lilly gives Hanako's hand a gentle squeeze. LILLY: "Is it all right by you, Hanako? It won't be anything lavish or overdone, just something small in my room." HANAKO: "S-so just in the school? Just us?" LILLY: "That's right, just the three of us. If you like, I could ask Akira to come as well." HANAKO: "O...kay. Y-you're only going for a week?" LILLY: "One week or two, yes. I promise you it won't be any longer." HANAKO: "O-okay..." Most people would be upset at hearing about a friend's family member falling ill and happy at having a party, but with Hanako it seems that both events are on the same level. HISAO: "All right then. You look like you need a rest, Hanako, so it might be best if we all went back to our rooms for now." LILLY: "You know that if you ever want anything, you can always talk to me or Hisao, right?" Lilly's voice is pensive, an unusual edge for someone as confident in herself as she.  HANAKO: "I... understand. Thank you, Lilly, Hisao." LILLY: "Well then, good night, Hanako." HANAKO: "'Night..." (Silence) I let out a long breath after the door closes behind us. It feels a little like I've been deep underwater, and only now have been able to come up for air.  Lilly doesn't seem to be doing well either. She looks pale and drawn. HISAO: "Are you all right?" LILLY: "I'm just a little tired. It's been... hectic recently." HISAO: "Have you slept at all? “A little tired” sounds like an understatement, given how you look." LILLY: "I think I managed to get a couple hours of sleep before class. I'll be okay." I feel bad about pressing Lilly right now. I think both of us are pretty tired from everything that's happened as well. HISAO: "I think you should get some rest. It's been a big day, and staying up isn't good for your complexion." LILLY: "Thank you for your concern, Hisao. Good night, then." HISAO: "Okay. 'Night, Lilly." I leave Lilly in the hallway as she opens the door to her room, and begin to make my way to my own.  As I walk down the quiet hallway, I can't get that image of Hanako out of my mind. Huddled and pitiable, lying helpless with tears on her cheeks. I began to think that she was just a normal, if extremely shy, person, but her problems run much deeper. Trying to take our relationship further than what we share now, when she's so fragile and vulnerable, wouldn't be right. I don't need to be more than her friend in order to protect her, to try and stop anything like this ever happening again. The possibility of my feelings for her going beyond that... that doesn't matter any more. Hanako is precious to me, and that's why I can't take advantage of her. But even so... there's still that sting I feel when I think that way. For now, I need to sleep. Tomorrow, hopefully, will be a better day. There are at least two flaws in his logic, one of which runs deeper than the other. Can you tell what they are? Katawa Shoujo OST ~ Passing of Time  (Silence) Hanako is more noticeable in her absence than when she is in the room. I feel her empty desk calling out for me. I find myself peering over my shoulder endlessly, hoping that I'm hallucinating and that Hanako will magically appear. She makes sure she's as small a presence as possible when she attends class, and although she had been getting better recently, that fact never changed. Nobody ever pays her any heed in class, and now that she's not here, they don't notice her absence. It's as if she just never existed. Lilly did say that her skipping class wasn't an unusual thing before I met her, but it's still very off-putting. The bells heralding the end of school make me jump in my seat. It's only now that I notice Misha is prodding me in the side with her mechanical pencil to get my attention. Katawa Shoujo OST - School Days  MISHA: "Hello... is anybody in there~?" HISAO: "Hey, stop that." MISHA: "Ah! There we are! Welcome back to Earth, Hicchan~!" HISAO: "What are you talking about?" MISHA: "You keep on dazing off into space; I was beginning to think that you might be trying to contact alien life." I really didn't get much sleep last night, so I don't doubt Misha's words. I'm not sure whether it was due to my medicines' side effects, Hanako's panic attack yesterday, my worrying about her in general, or all three. I yawn tiredly before resting my chin in my palm, having been reminded of how badly I slept. MISHA: "Hey, are you really all right? Yesterday kinda rattled me as well..." HISAO: "Yeah... yeah, I guess. I wanted to speak to Hanako again, though." MISHA: "Did you see her last night?" HISAO: "Yeah, Lilly and I talked to her. Um, this may sound a bit weird, but can you tell Shizune “thank you?” From both me... and Lilly." I know Lilly technically didn't thank Shizune, but I could tell by her reaction last night that she wanted to. At least, that's how it works out in my head. SHIZUNE: "..." MISHA: "Er... I think what Shicchan is trying to say is “you're welcome.”" The furious signing and Shizune's reddened cheeks tell me that what she said was entirely different. Her blatantly flustered expression is amusing enough to make me chuckle. MISHA: "What's so funny, Hicchan~? Was it something we said?" HISAO: "No, no, that's not it. I was simply thinking about how cute Shizune can be at times." MISHA: "Wahahaha~! You're right~! Shicchan is really cute when she tries not to be!" I notice that Misha decides not to sign her response to Shizune. Maybe Shizune's rage is enough of a counter to any quantity of “cute.” Nevertheless, Shizune quickly calms down and signs something else to Misha. SHIZUNE: "..." MISHA: "Oh~? Okay... Hicchan, Shicchan wants you to come and have dinner with us." HISAO: "Dinner, eh?" Turning away from them a bit, lest I be swayed by their pleading smiles, I begin to mull it over. The invitation certainly is tempting. A takeaway dinner with two cute girls is not a bad thing, after all. The thought of Hanako locked up in her room, though, keeps dancing on the edge of my mind. HISAO: "Sorry, I'll have to pass." MISHA: "Awww..." Misha doesn't sign my response, but Shizune picks up on it easily enough and grimaces in disappointment. She moves her arms, assumedly beginning some form of either protest or coercion, but stops herself and taps Misha's shoulder twice. Once Misha gives Shizune her attention, the only statement Shizune has on the matter is a shrug. MISHA: "Oh well. It's your choice, Hicchan." HISAO: "I promise I'll join you two another time, if that helps." Misha perks up at this, but Shizune doesn't share her reaction. With a flick of the head to signal for Misha to follow her away, Shizune simply raises her hand to silently wave me goodbye. (Silence) As the two make their way out the door, I return the gesture until they're out of sight. I didn't think they would be so disappointed, and it makes me feel a little bad for ditching them. Still, I have things to do.  The girls' dormitory is especially rowdy today, with a number of girls loudly playing games and watching the television in the common room on the first floor. I can hear their voices even now, standing in front of Hanako's door. It's an odd contrast to the emptiness of the floor she's on. The voices from below make the emptiness feel all the more lonely. I had hopes Hanako would be in class today, especially after the talk Lilly and I had with her last night, but I feel like I shouldn't hold it against her. It was a pretty awful episode, and to have experienced it firsthand must be all the worse.  Not knowing what state she's in, I take a small breath before giving a few sharp knocks on her brown door. All I can do is stand and wait, doing my best not to feel anxious. As the seconds wear on, I begin to think she might be asleep and didn't hear me knocking. The door handle rattles a little before I can raise my hand to knock again, though.  The door opens a sliver, an eye appearing in the gap only just large enough for it to peer through. I'm sure this girl would install a peephole in her dormitory door, if only such a thing was allowed. I just stand and smile at her. I don't think words would really help here, after all. The act is returned in kind, with Hanako wordlessly looking at me. The gap's not wide enough to see her expression, and I can only guess what she's thinking. Time passes as we look at each other, the only sound being the disembodied gaiety from the ground floor. I'm not sure how long it takes, but eventually the eye moves away. I keep wondering whether she'll let me in or shut me out until the door slowly begins to creak open. Katawa Shoujo OST - Comfort  Now that I have a full view of her and her bedroom behind, the first thing I notice is that Hanako's hair is quite damp. She's recently showered, which is made even more obvious by the scent of shampoo wafting towards me. The look on her face seems one of curiosity, as if she's not really sure what to make of me. Even so, I'm not really all that sure of what she's thinking. It feels as if she's gone away for a long time, and having now returned, neither of us knows what to say to the other. Hanako realizes she's staring, looking away awkwardly before turning to the side and gazing at her feet. I decide to take it as an invitation and step past her into the room, closing the door behind me as I do so. I can see her hands fiddling in the folds of the oversized gown that hangs from her shoulders. I try to concentrate on what I want to say, but the scent from her addles my senses. To my surprise, it's not me, but Hanako that breaks the silence. HANAKO: "Why..." HISAO: "Because... uh..." … Why did I come here? I was worried about Hanako, so I came to her room. She let me in, as I had hoped, and then... what? What did I mean to do? What did I mean to say? Why didn't I think this through before coming here... I want to make up for what I feel I caused, at least partly. I want to try and remove the distance I feel between us since then, and to see her happy. How can I do that when I don't know the first thing about her? I wonder... I wonder if this is how Iwanako felt when she saw me lying in that sterile, pastel blue hospital bed. HISAO: "I uh... I... um..." A deep sigh steadies my nerves a little and ends my stammering. I don't think I've ever felt this nervous around someone before. When I'm like this, I don't think I can lie. Even if I could bring myself to, Hanako would see through it right away. HISAO: "I don't know. I just... wanted to see you, I guess." Her fingers stop moving, giving me a little surprise. Looking up to her face, she gives a sweet smile and a nod. That was a satisfactory answer for her?  HANAKO: "Um... since you're here... I'd like to... play a game of chess with you..." I almost hang my head in disbelief that all she wants to do, after I've been winding myself up so much, is play a game. Looking at her face though, a tentative smile perched upon it, I realize that this is more than that. She could have not bothered answering the door. She could have shut it as soon as she saw my face. She could have asked me to leave. She could have rejected me at many points, but she didn't.  Now, with this calm face, she wants me to play the same game that we played when we first really spent time alone together. A feeling of relief washes over me. Everything will be all right. Hanako has let me into her world. As long as we can be together like this, I think everything will be all right. HISAO: "It would be my pleasure." Falconier111 fucked around with this message at 03:33 on Sep 1, 2021 |
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Aug 30, 2021 18:59
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EclecticTastes posted:This brings to mind my most severe panic attack, actually, which I personally find a bit of a funny anecdote (I'll warn that there is some minor ableist language involved). So, in college, I tended to get along well with my professors, often following them out of class to discuss the day's lecture or related topics for a few minutes, just sort of soaking up their perspectives. Anyway, during one lecture, I remembered the research another prof had been working on that was similar to the day's topic, and mentioned it to the professor. The following morning, I brought up the topic and she said that she'd already heard and something to the effect that the department faculty had talked about me. She said it in a wholly neutral way, but my mind immediately moved to interpret it in the worst possible fashion, and I spent the entire class spiraling internally. Fortunately, I had a fair bit of time between that class and the next, so I dragged myself to the student union and got some lunch, which did little to alleviate the problem. So I'm sitting there in the student union, on the verge of a complete nervous breakdown, over my professor offhandedly mentioning that my teachers just happen to talk about a particularly enthusiastic student. And that's when my internal monologue suddenly paused and went (and I quote), "Wait. This is crazy. This is how a crazy person thinks. I'm going to go see the therapist now." And that's how I wound up walking into the campus mental health clinic and setting up biweekly therapy sessions. Maybe it's not that funny to others, but I've always found that sudden flash of self-awareness that my thoughts had become totally irrational kind of amusing. Oddly enough I'd say that kind of self awareness was one of the major benefits I got out of cognitive behavioral therapy. That spiraling up thing you mentioned i.e. you get focused on one anxiety-causing thing and then starting extrapolating worse and worse consequences (i.e. bad grade on a test goes to "I'll fail the class! I'll get kicked out of school! All my career plans I've worked years towards are ruined!" etc.) seems to be a common trait. Basically they taught me to start catching when I start to spin up so I can cut it off and keep my focus on the problem I actually have at hand rather than stress about potential ones (especially unrealistic ones). Also had some work on not reading into things to not freak myself out as easily (though boy there are enough legitimate stressful things out there to be anxious about, aren't there?). Obviously it wasn't as simple as all that, and I don't know that I had as much therapy as I should have made myself get, but it's amazing just how much of it was just teaching me to notice when I'm doing something. Ibblebibble posted:I guess this is the route where the nurse cares about patient confidentiality. To be fair, last route he was specifically friends with the person in question, that always mucks up professional judgement worse than a stranger.
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Aug 30, 2021 19:44
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Falconier111 posted:Update 48: Treading Softly Typo here.
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Aug 30, 2021 20:59
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Ibblebibble posted:I guess this is the route where the nurse cares about patient confidentiality. Yeah, can’t say I’m shocked, and Unshocked by that. I’m sure we’ll find something else later. Hisao got the teacher, good job there. Matou…now I agree with his actions and getting that done, and letting Hisao out of class-good idea on a panic attack shakeup…but he did give more than he should, without directly saying anything which is…questionable but fine. Where I’m a little bothered is his response about “what do you think we do here” because that’s your argument for their success, and not help them with their issues? You’re supposed to be giving them more time and effort. The fact that your class apparently has enough numbers and not enough people to deal with that panic attack means that your general school is flawed, sir. Perhaps not you-you did what you could given what you had-but that it got that far without intervention and it required an able student to bring this to your attention…  What Matou is trying to saying is that, instead of doing 10-2 or 10-1-2 (Ten students, 1 Teacher…or 10 students, 1 teacher, 2 Assistants/Paraprofessionals) and providing the general needs of the students directly or accommodating their issues, which makes me wonder if a IEP or PDP (Individual Education Plan, or Personal Development Plan, respectively) was actually done…none of these services are being done, providing enough general support for what is needed/required for specific students, but creating an environment that is akin to a normal school, and to allow them to enter society as productive people. I guess this means I’m not gonna like Matou this route. Still better general professional ethics than Nurse. That is a valid method, but has so many problems . A student, who means well and did the right thing but has no general experience, should not have been the one to take Hanako out of that situation. He could have been supportive, and offer to assist, but that was a point where Matou was in his duty to call for another staff member. And then proceed to lecture Hisao about the lack of general need-what the heck are you doing!? What about : “You got me, that was the right thing to do, Hisao. I know you’re worried about her, but allow us to do our jobs…” instead of that future stuff, or-even better-“I appreciate your concern, Hisao, but consider that your time in school should be to make connections and learn. You’re doing just that with this…and your judgment is sound. There was only so much that you could do, okay?”
Psycho Lawnmower fucked around with this message at 18:26 on Aug 31, 2021 |
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Aug 31, 2021 18:18
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Update 49: One More Year Katawa Shoujo OST ~ Passing of Time  (Silence)  The day of Hanako's birthday party is finally here. To be honest, I'm looking forward to seeing Hanako and Lilly in their pajamas again. Hanako's gown has grown on me as looking rather cute, though a bit conservative, and Lilly's shorts and thin silken top are a lovely combination. But the event is stained a little with the memory of Hanako's reaction to it. I still don't really understand what happened, only being able to vaguely guess at the possible reasons for it, but I don't think finding the answer will be as straightforward as asking her. With that in mind, I knock on the door next to Hanako's. LILLY: "Is that you, Hisao?" HISAO: "Yeah, it's me." I can hear the pitter-patter of footsteps coming to the door, followed by the sound of the lock snapping open. I don't think I've ever seen Lilly's door locked before, and it makes me a little suspicious. Once the door opens, the sight is... a little underwhelming for a birthday party. Katawa Shoujo OST - Ease  Hanako returns to her seat at the table with a quick smile and a nod, leaving me to close and, assuming they wanted it to be kept that way, lock the door. As I do so, I realize that the scene before me is that of an evening tea party, just like any other between the two. Somehow, I don't think I should be surprised. To my relief, Hanako looks relatively calm. The break from class has probably done her good, and given her time to wind down a bit. I take a seat between the two at the low table in the center of Lilly's room, the brightly-colored teapot steaming away between us. A tall brown bag close by Lilly's side catches my attention. I covertly try to glance inside it a couple of times, but can't get a good look from here. Looking to Hanako, it seems like she's as curious about it as I am. HISAO: "Hey, Lilly?" Lilly finishes off the teacup raised to her lips before setting it down and giving me her attention. LILLY: "Yes?" HISAO: "I was just wondering about that brown bag..." She pauses for a moment, then gives a slightly cheeky smile. LILLY: "That would be Akira's present. Unfortunately, she said she was working and can't join us." Lilly leans over and feels out the item inside before raising her arm. I raise an eyebrow as two items, not one, rise from the bag. The glass necks are grasped by Lilly on either side of her middle finger. So this is why she had her door locked.  HANAKO: "Wine..." There are two small thuds as the bottles are brought to rest on the table; one red, one white. I want to believe that it's fake, non-alcoholic wine, but if it was, there wouldn't be any need to be this circumspect. HISAO: "Alcohol? Seriously? Are you sure this is a good idea?" Lilly smiles politely and giggles. I'm not really convinced that she is. LILLY: "These would be the present from my sister. I know it's a bit questionable, but a little shouldn't hurt." If Lilly took serious issue with it, I don't think she'd have agreed quite so easily. That aside, I had Akira squared as the serious and responsible type, maybe like an older Lilly, but it looks like I was wrong. We aren't even legally able to drink yet. HISAO: "Well, in that case, I won't complain. They don't look bad, either." I'm no connoisseur, but at least the bottles look nice. Apart from a surreptitious glass of wine or two given from my father at family dinners, I haven't really had enough to know what's what. That, and I can't really say that I'm a total straight edge. Going by Hanako's expression, she's thinking the same, and it's her birthday anyway. LILLY: "Shall I open one?" HISAO: "Sure. I'll get some—" My heart skips as I hear three sharp bangs coming from Lilly's door. Hanako's head flicks around, and Lilly's eyes close as she listens intently. None of us want to be busted for this. LILLY: "Who is it?" ????: "Lemme in, I'm cold!" Lilly lets out a resigned sigh before motioning for Hanako to open the door. She obediently gets up and fusses with her gown before moving, apparently still not quite sure of who it is, but trusting enough in Lilly to do as she requests. I can just see a blonde, dark-suited figure become visible over Hanako's shoulder as she opens the door. ????: "Happy birthday, Hanako." HANAKO: "Th-thank you... Akira..." Hanako gives a small bow while twiddling her fingers in front of her. So, this is Lilly's elusive sister.  Akira follows Hanako to the table after shutting the door behind her, giving me plenty of time to have a good look at her. She looks to be about the same height as Hanako, and has short blonde hair that's quite roughly cut. That, in addition to her rather modest breasts, masculine suit and deep voice, gives her quite an androgynous effect. Without further ado, she plops herself down on the side of the table across from me. LILLY: "It's nice to have your company after all, Akira. Did work let you off?"  AKIRA: "Yep. I have to go back there in a bit, but I managed to get enough of a break to drive down. So... this would be Hisao, then?" A confident smile gets thrown in my direction, so I nod politely in return. Considering she just jumped straight to using my first name, she's much more informal than her appearance would suggest. Wait, if she already knows who I am, that must mean that Lilly's talked about me with her. I wonder what she said. LILLY: "Sorry for not introducing you, Hisao. This is Akira Satou, my elder sister." HISAO: "I see. Nice to meet you." The person in question loudly claps her hands together, making Hanako jump a little bit. Akira notices this, and looks uneasy for a fraction of a second before getting back into her stride.  Only now do I realize that Akira hasn't paid Hanako's scars any undue attention. Hanako also seems to be comfortable, if not exactly relaxed, around Akira. AKIRA: "Well then, I assume the presents got through? No point in waiting, considering Hisao and the birthday girl look like they're pretty eager." Lilly giggles as I awkwardly turn away, a little embarrassed by the fact that I couldn't hide my interest. Hanako's eyes are telling me that she wants to try the wine together with me, though, so I settle for a look of badly feigned indifference. Akira manages to uncork the first bottle with small effort, and Hanako goes to get some glasses before I get to pour the four of them full of white wine. I heard somewhere that white wine has less alcohol than red wine, so I think it would be the best to start with. HISAO: "Here's to Hanako, and to Lilly's trip." LILLY: "Cheers!" AKIRA: "Cheers!" HANAKO: "C-cheers..." After the traditional raising of the glasses we all take sips of the pale yellow liquid. It's nothing like the stuff I've had with my parents, with the fruitiness of the flavor almost entirely hiding the taste of alcohol. Maybe this is what proper wine is supposed to taste like. Then again, it's possible that Akira just chose a wine which would be suited to our tastes, since none of us are used to alcohol yet. Or at least, I hope none of us are. HISAO: "This isn't too bad. I was expecting something... harsher." AKIRA: "If you hadn't liked it, I have a few other varieties you could have chosen from." HISAO: "You sound like you know your stuff when it comes to wines." AKIRA: "Only a bit; I'm more of a beer kind of person. I have the drinking side down pat, though." As if to prove her point, she refills her glass before bringing it to her lips and flicking her head back. (Silence) Hanako and I silently watch as the whole glassful disappears down Akira's throat. I can't decide whether to be impressed or put off, but I certainly don't have any urge to imitate the act. Lilly grimaces slightly at her sister's boast. I note that she is sipping from her glass as she does so, though. LILLY: "Anyway, now that Akira's gift has been opened and sampled, shall we move onto ours?" HANAKO: "G-gifts?" Katawa Shoujo OST - Aria De l’Etoile  LILLY: "That's right, we got you presents. It's your birthday, after all. This is from me." Lilly pulls out the carefully-wrapped doll from under the table and passes it to Hanako. Hanako handles the present as if it was glassware, carefully turning it over to remove the tape that binds the wrapping. Eventually the paper falls from the doll, revealing the emerald green of the doll's dress. HANAKO: "It's... beautiful." I'm not sure what reaction I was expecting from Hanako. The near-total lack of dolls in her room made me think that she didn't care about them, but the look in her eyes now is something different. She turns the doll around with the same delicacy she afforded the wrapping, as if she was expecting it to fall apart in her hands. LILLY: "I'm glad that you like it. Hisao picked it out, to be honest." Hanako suddenly remembers that she is not alone in the room, and shifts her focus from the doll. HANAKO: "Y-yes, I like it. Th-thank you, Lilly and H-Hisao." HISAO: "Actually, I got you something else..." I reach into my bag and remove the wrapped chess set. HISAO: "Here. Happy birthday." Hanako carefully sits Lilly's doll next to her and opens my present with the same care that she showed Lilly's. Before long, the checkered squares of the chessboard are visible, and Hanako gently runs her fingers across the carved surfaces. HANAKO: "Oh!" Almost by accident she triggers the catch to the lid, startling herself in the process. She opens it and retrieves one of the gray pieces. She seems as absorbed in the chess pieces as she was in the doll before. HISAO: "They're coral. Natural coral, undyed. Or so I'm told." HANAKO: "Thank you, Hisao..." HISAO: "No problem. It's your birthday, after all." HANAKO: "That's right... my birthday..." Once again Hanako's reaction seems a little off, but she carefully closes the board lid. I notice Akira's smile beginning to look very strained. I wonder if she knows anything about what happened in class, given that she seems to be treading on eggshells around Hanako. HISAO: "I'll have to play you again sometime." HANAKO: "I'll... make sure I'll play you first..."  She takes the doll she received from Lilly and holds it to her chest together with the small chessboard, putting the piece on top. The act seems to settle her down somewhat, and we just sit in silence for a while. I think it's one of the few times I've seen her genuinely happy, cradling the friendship of two people to her chest as tightly as she can. HANAKO: "Thank you, Lilly. Thank you, Hisao." In the process of thanking us, Hanako drops the chess piece and fumbles a bit in her rush to retrieve it. Once she finds it, Hanako puts the chess set down and nervously gulps at her wine. It's as if the real world suddenly rushed back into her consciousness, and her fastest escape from it was in a glass. HISAO: "Hey, easy there, you shouldn't drink it that fast..." LILLY: "It is a party, Hisao..." Despite saying this, there is a slightly concerned edge to her voice. Eventually acquiescing, Lilly proceeds to follow Hanako's lead, though not as eagerly. She looks to be taking small sips from her glass and letting the wine settle on her tongue before swallowing. I decide that this is probably the best approach and do the same myself. HISAO: "Since this is kind of a going-away party for you as well, I hope you enjoy your trip at least a little, Lilly. Hopefully your aunt will be okay." HANAKO: "I-I hope your aunt is okay too, Lilly..." Lilly and I are slightly taken aback by Hanako's fervor to wish Lilly well, despite her own familial situation. I'm a little impressed. LILLY: "My my, thank you both. I'll be sure to convey your thoughts to my family when I meet them." AKIRA: "It'll all be fine in the end, Lilly. Don't worry about it." Since the room's mood has become noticeably more sullen, I decide to try and move things along. HISAO: "Well then, shall we start on the cake?" My tentative suggestion has the intended effect, everyone lightening up considerably. HANAKO: "Y-yes, please..." LILLY: "Cake? I didn't know there was any cake..." HISAO: "I picked one up before I came, along with some snacks." LILLY: "Well done, Hisao. At least one of us remembered to bring one." Everyone seems to welcome the distraction, so I retrieve the cake from my bag and start cutting it up. Mixing wine and chocolate cake isn't something that I thought would work well, but none of us seem to mind. Conversation is temporarily suspended as we start to eat.  I was initially wary of this idea; after Hanako's panic attack I expected the worst from tonight, but I think Lilly's idea of giving her good memories of her birthday is working. That, and also having it shared with her going-away party. From Hanako's reaction to her gifts, I can tell she was really appreciative." Hanako tries to pour herself another glass of wine, but ends up spilling some on the table. She's had a couple by now, so considering that she's never had alcohol before, it's no wonder if she's feeling a bit light-headed. HANAKO: "S-sorry Lilly... I didn't mean to make a mess... I..." HISAO: "Don't worry, I've got it..."  Lilly reaches sideways and gently takes the fussing Hanako in her arms, giving me pause. LILLY: "It's okay, Hanako. I'm just happy you're here." Hanako gives only a faint nod in response. It's fitting, I suppose, that Lilly would be the one to support her like this. I have no idea what Hanako would be like if she hadn't. Seeing the two like this makes me appreciate the fact that I'm privy to such an intimate moment. Even Akira can't help but smile at the sight. I never would have thought I'd manage to find new friends so quickly, and I'm all the more thankful that of all people, these two are the two I befriended. (Silence) They slowly break off from one another, Hanako regaining herself somewhat while I quickly get myself back on task. I find a towel among Lilly's tea set and start mopping up the spillage. By the time I finish, however, Hanako and Lilly have managed to uncork the other bottle and have topped off their glasses. AKIRA: "Looks like you're enjoying the wine, then. Just don't go too crazy with it after this, mind." We all dutifully nod and agree, but her reminder feels a bit silly given that she's the one supplying underage people with alcohol. Katawa Shoujo OST - Katawa Shoujo OST - Generic Happy Music  The second glass of wine goes down a lot quicker than the first, and before any of us notice, the second bottle is empty. While Akira is helping us finish them off, Hanako looks to be almost equaling her in the amount she's had. My head feels a little light, but I think I've managed to gauge my own tolerance surprisingly well. Hanako smiles lazily, toying with her doll's hair. I think it's a pretty safe bet that she... hasn't moderated herself as well as I. I don't think it was Hanako's intention to get this drunk, but it seems that the alcohol hit her all at once. She has a very light frame, something which wouldn't help her handle her booze well, either. Lilly cradles her glass, running a finger around the rim. Her cheeks are rosy, but she's managing to avoid looking woefully drunk. Akira is, as I somewhat expected, largely unaffected. Her smile might be a little wider than before, though. Maybe. Hanako suddenly hiccups and accidentally knocks over the doll. HANAKO: "I... think I should maybe go to bed. T-thank you, Hisao, thanks Lilly and Aaaakiraaaa." She slurs Akira's name pretty hard, barely avoiding breaking out into a giggle midway through. She's completely plastered, and I can't decide whether I should feel a little bad or not for being amused at the state she's in. It really is bizarre to see her acting so carefree. A shame that it's only with the help of alcohol. AKIRA: "Here, let me give you a hand." Akira begins to get up to help Hanako out, but she's stopped when Lilly gives a sharp cough. LILLY: "Hisao, would you please?" Akira looks a little surprised, and I have to admit that I am as well. I don't mind the request at all, let alone when it's said with such a smile... it just comes rather unexpectedly. HISAO: "S-sure. No problem." (Silence)  I pick up the chess set and help Hanako stand up. I do feel somewhat responsible for her considering that, other than Akira, I'm probably the most sober person in the room. She nurses the doll in one hand and offers me the other. The camera switches between Lilly’s room, the hallway, and Hanako’s room, her sprite swaying side to side the whole time. We stumble out of the door, into the hallway, and into Hanako's room, Hanako bumping into me a number of times on the way. Inside the room, I flick on the light as Hanako turns her attention towards a shelf on her dresser. An elegant doll is sitting on it, staring into the bare room. HANAKO: "There you go... you'll be safe in here..."  Hanako gingerly places the doll next to the other one and straightens its dress. They sit in silence, hair and clothes perfectly arranged. Just like the teapot in Lilly's room, they serve as a distinct contrast to the dull whites and grays that permeate her bedroom. Satisfied that her dolls, her only two real possessions, are safe, Hanako takes a step back and stands up, staggering severely. I step forward to catch her if need be, but she regains her balance without my help. For a while, both of us stand in silence as Hanako looks downwards toward the cupboard. After a minute or two she begins to sway a little from side to side. It's very off-putting. HISAO: "Are you... going to be all right?" Hanako raises her head, and turns around to me as if she's only just remembered that I'm also in the room. Katawa Shoujo OST - Letting My Heart Speak What's unexpected is that she takes two steps towards me and wraps her arms around my body, her head coming to rest against my chest. I can feel my heart beating as all of my senses feel like they're coming alive again after their deadening through the previous drinking. The smell of wine on her breath, the feeling of her fingers through my clothing, the scent of her hair underneath my chin... My hands remain out in front of me, not daring to touch her. The temptation is there to hug her, to embrace her, to tell her everything will be fine... but this feels wrong. Really, really wrong. HISAO: "Hanako..." HANAKO: "But I want to staaaay with you and Lillyyyy." Hanako's slurring reminds me a bit of Misha. She probably wouldn't be pleased to hear that. HISAO: "You know I can't. You're a girl and I'm a guy, after all, and Lilly needs to sleep."  She gives a disappointed groan. It's so strange for her to act so forward. HISAO: "Don't worry, I'll see you again tomorrow, okay?" I decide to rest a hand on her head to reassure her, deciding that this is as far as I'll allow myself to go in terms of physical contact with her while she's in this state. Hanako's head nuzzles against my chest. It makes me feel all the more uneasy with the situation, and as her arms tighten around my back, I quickly decide to bail out. I rest my hands on her shoulders and give a firm but gentle push. Her grip tightens a little as I do so, but she eventually breaks off.  HANAKO: "I don't want you to go..." HISAO: "Hanako, please. Akira and Lilly are going to start thinking weird stuff if I take too long here." It's perfectly true, too. I really don't want to take any chances, and I feel very uncomfortable right now. I shouldn't try to read anything into the way she's acting right now. I read that aside from alcohol lowering inhibitions, people can react to getting drunk in many different ways that don't necessarily reflect reality. And even without that, there are plenty of ways to interpret what she's saying. As long as she's safe, I'm going to try and get out of her room as soon as possible. Hanako hiccups again, looking a right mess as she stands and looks downcast in the center of the room. Her personality changed as she drank more and more, and now, all alone in her room with me, her previous brightness seems to have left her. Was she just acting upbeat to make sure we didn't worry? Even if she was... what could I possibly do for her, since I do exactly the same thing in regards to my own condition? Distancing myself from my thoughts, I eventually manage to corral Hanako towards her bed, though her attempts to tame the wild sheets on it end up accomplishing little. HISAO: "Sorry about tonight, Hanako. I know you probably won't remember any of this, but... happy birthday. I'm sorry I couldn't do more for you." She looks up at me for a moment. I have no idea if what I said actually got through to her, but any chance to ask is lost as her eyes peacefully close. I sigh in relief before quietly backing away from her and leaving the room, flicking the light switch off as I go.
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Sep 1, 2021 21:03
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 Posting the full size cause it's the best pic in the game.
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Sep 1, 2021 21:24
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well I'll give props to Hisao for doing the responsible thing there. I honestly did not alcohol to pop into the story like that.
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Sep 1, 2021 21:44
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The drunken confession trope gets wheeled out, but it was certainly more understated than I expected.
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Sep 2, 2021 17:15
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I don't think it's a confession, more like a drunken "I LOVE YOU GUYS." Hanako doesn't have many happy evenings; she doesn't want this one to end. And she's not used to drinking.
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Sep 2, 2021 17:31
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Cobalt-60 posted:
Hanako hugging her doll competes. She has a LOT of cute pictures in her route, even more than most of the girls.
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Sep 3, 2021 01:52
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| # ? Jun 2, 2024 16:30 |
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Cobalt-60 posted:I don't think it's a confession, more like a drunken "I LOVE YOU GUYS." Hanako doesn't have many happy evenings; she doesn't want this one to end. And she's not used to drinking. Her hugging Hisao does seem significant though... From Hisao's point of view, I guess the question is whether it means she sees him as a rare close friend like Lilly, or if she sees him in a romantic light. Falconier111 posted:Hanako hugging her doll competes. She has a LOT of cute pictures in her route, even more than most of the girls. I was about to say the same thing; there are a lot of  and  pictures in this update especially.
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Sep 3, 2021 04:19
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