|
Jim starts calling Dwight "balloon boy." A huge cluster of balloons with Dwight's skeleton dangling beneath has been drifting through the sky over Scranton for eight months. It's taken Jim this long to come up with the nickname.
|
#
?
Sep 11, 2021 19:34
|
|
|
|
| # ? May 14, 2024 03:43 |
|
|
Dwight wakes up standing over Angela's mutilated corpse, a bloody knife in his hand. He knows Jim is behind this. "Michael!" he yells, irritably.
|
|
#
?
Sep 12, 2021 16:16
|
|
|
Dwight wakes up standing over Angela's mutilated corpse, a bloody knife in his hand. He yells to the office, pissed off "Who did this?". "This is Weird", Jim responds. "This is not funny, this is totally unprofessional", Dwight retorts, about to lose his patience. "Okay well, you're the one holding the knife. Do you remember what you did last night?", Jim says, helpfully. "I did not stab Angela", Dwight counters. "Who killed Angela?", he asks again to nobody in particular. "I think you should retrace your steps" Jim insists. "I am going to tell Michael and this entire office will be punished!", threatens Dwight before beelining to Micheal's office. As Dwight is about to reach Micheal's office, Jim yells out "Colder". Dwight stops in his tracks, and starts tiptoeing a bit towards the back office. As he does that, Jim obliges with "Warmer...". Dwight goes full speed towards it now, and Jim again helpfully obliges with "warmer" calls. The rest of the office watches Dwight with interest. As soon as Dwight passes the men's washroom, though, Jim starts yelling "Colder! Colder! Back up!". As he does that, Dwight stops in his tracks, and looks at the blood splattered on floor, and he can also smell a putrid stench from the bathroom. Not thinking twice at this point, Dwight rushes in ("Warmer! Hot! Red hot!") and confronts the sight: He sees his work desk in the bathroom. The phone starts ringing. "Dwight Schrute", he answers. "Hi!", Jim replies. "Hey Dwight, what sort of discounts we're giving on the 20lbs white paper?", Jim asks, sounding a little embarrassed. "Jim I've given this information like twenty times." ("Yeah, I know") , Dwights scolds him, as he reaches for the binder. A toilet flushes. Kevin walks out from the stall holding a scented candle, covered in blood. "By the ream?" Dwight asks Jim ("Yeah"). Dwight then notices Kevin, off camera, and scolds him for not washing his hands. Space Kablooey fucked around with this message at 16:21 on Sep 13, 2021 |
|
#
?
Sep 13, 2021 04:20
|
|
|
After a big sale Jim and Dwight stop at a nearby cafe for a pick-me-up. Jim orders a Pumkin Spice Frappuchino, two straws.
|
|
#
?
Sep 13, 2021 05:12
|
|
|
Jim shows up to work on Monday September 13th wearing a T-shirt emblazoned with an American flag, the World Trade Center, and the phrase "AMERICA, I DIDN'T FORGET!". Michael asks Jim to wear a more professional shirt in the office, saying that he understands and appreciates the patriotism, but that this isn't the correct forum to express that. Jim flies into a rage, screaming about his "1A" and saying that this is "just like Nazi Germany, except now in America". He goes to Dwight, saying that he of all people must agree with him. Dwight explains that Dunder Mifflin sets its own code of conduct and that Pennsylvania is an at-will employment state, meaning that Jim could be terminated at any time for any reason. Although Dwight doesn't comment on his own beliefs about 9/11 and the global aftermath it caused, he tells Jim that he cannot support him wearing that shirt. Jim then threatens to "fly a plane into Schrute Farms", then aggressively grabs his crotch and asks if Dwight "believes in the flag now that the flagpole's starting to rise". Dwight says that Jim is actually giving himself a great education on the first amendment, as it does not prevent a private employer or company from setting their own standards for free speech. Toby appears with the employee handbook and explains that Jim can either put on a button-up shirt or get fired, as this is his 3rd warning for breaking the dress code policy. For a moment, Jim regrets the time he showed up to work in a gold bikini for a prank, and the other time he showed up wearing the suit Dwight's father was buried in. Jim angrily puts on a button up shirt and returns to work, constantly mumbling "loving liberals" and "goddamn 1A" all day long. When Dwight gets home from work, Jim throws a paper airplane at his beet silo. "GOTCHA BITCH! Maybe now you'll salute the flag!" says Jim as he runs off into the woods, nude from the waist down but again wearing his "AMERICA, I DIDN'T FORGET!" shirt. Dwight sighs and walks into the house. He opens the refrigerator and takes out a slice of sheet cake from this past Saturday. 9/11. Dwight didn't forget, because his Uncle Silas was on the plane that went down in Shanksvillle, PA. That's all the matters to Dwight. Not the war in Afghanistan that lasted 20 years with no discernable benefit for anyone. Not the fracturing of the United States. Not the rise of freedom fries and tiny American flags in the window of your car. Just Uncle Silas, who used to take Dwight fishing and once let him try a sip of his beer when Dwight was 15. Uncle Silas, who told Dwight about the joys of helping others. Uncle Silas, who loved cheap store-bought sheet cake and would ask for that (and only that) on his birthday every year. "I love you, Uncle Silas" says Dwight as he takes a bite of the sheet cake.
|
|
#
?
Sep 13, 2021 13:59
|
|
|
Jim starts calling Dwight "balloon boy." August 25, 2013, Dwight and Kevin go to a gun and knife show, and Dwight shows Kevin an automatic weapon he's interested in buying. They go to Dunder Mifflin's manufacturing plant, where Pam Halpert is working as a typist and will soon be promoted to a production assistant. Pam seems to be uncomfortable around Dwight and Kevin and can hardly speak to them without sounding irritated. Pam is surprised to learn that Dwight and Kevin have been fired. At the office, Dwight complains that he can't believe he's getting fired while all his colleagues are still employed. Kevin talks to Jim, who says that if Dwight gets fired, he'll likely be unable to find a job anywhere. Dwight then tells Jim to let him in on the secret: he and Jim are taking part in a "The Apprentice" - style reality show with the contestants winning money for various charities. Pam, looking incredulous, asks Dwight if the new company boss can take him off the show. Dwight laughs at her, saying, "Jim, I'm an idiot." Dwight then tells the camera, "I'm going to do what I want to do," and waves goodbye to Jim and Pam. Dwight shows up at the warehouse, with his car packed up and ready to go. Pam, who is unhappy with the way Dwight has been treating her in recent months, asks Dwight what is going on. Dwight assures Pam that he's just trying to be a grownup and that he's done nothing wrong. Inexplicable Humblebrag fucked around with this message at 16:10 on Sep 13, 2021 |
|
#
?
Sep 13, 2021 16:08
|
|
|
The piston fires, driving a steel rod through Dwight's left eye, piercing his brain. Jim mugs the camera. "Nice work, Dwight!" And he chokes Dwight out with a beefy right hook. Jim sweeps into the bedroom and presses Dwight against the mattress. "You think you're so loving smart," Jim spits. "I could crush your loving skull right now and you'd just hold on. You'd hold on to your precious brain until the cancer destroyed it and you died. Maybe you'd suffer for a little while, but death wouldn't be a big deal for you, would it?" Dwight shoots back, "Do you have any loving idea how I feel?" "You want to feel?" Jim asks. "No," Dwight says. "Then get the gently caress off my face and do it yourself," Jim snarls. "Get the gently caress off my face, and I'll give you a special big loving surprise." (  )
|
|
#
?
Sep 13, 2021 16:10
|
|
|
Jim tells Dwight Schrute, star running back for the Seattle Seahawks and one of the two major reasons they're in Superbowl XLIX, that he's drawing up a passing play for Russell Wilson at the end of the game. Dwight protests, but ultimately decides it's not worth arguing about. Russell Wilson passes and it's intercepted by Malcolm Butler in the end zone, assuring a Patriots victory. As the Patriots celebrate by hoisting the Lombardi Trophy, Jim mugs for ESPN's camera.
|
|
|
#
?
Sep 13, 2021 16:25
|
|
|
A debate is raging over a large portion of downtown Scranton which has currently been set aside for low-income housing. Some members of the community begin arguing against it, saying that the area could be better used as a commercial area to draw in high-income young professionals in an effort to drive economic growth. At a town hall, Dwight steps forward. "Mrs. Chairwoman, thank you. Some of you might know me, I'm Dwight Schrute. Maybe you've visited my farm. Maybe you've tried my beets. Maybe I've sold you paper from Dunder Mifflin. I'm here today as a man who's asking you to open your heart and support low-income housing. We the people of Scranton have been blessed by so much, but we've known hard times too, haven't we? The tornadoes, the famines, the floods, that time everyone turned into apples. Need I go on? And in those moments, when everything seemed lost, did we turn our backs to our friends and neighbors? NO! We worked together, we helped each other. Tom Jenkins! When your store caught on fire, didn't the people of this town help you? Patty Spurn! When your car was crushed by a giant hamster, didn't we help get you a new car? So now, I say to all of you, let us return the favor. Many of these people are still suffering great hardship after Tropical Storm Jim mysteriously hovered over our town for 3 days straight. And do I need to remind everyone of the great losses so many of us felt after that swarm of bats flew through town? So please, find it in your hearts to reach out a helping hand to our friends and neighbors, knowing that they would do the same thing to you." The crowd is silent. One man stands up and begins applauding, which begins a chain reaction. Soon the whole room is clapping and cheering for Dwight. Then Jim stands up. He has his fingers in his belt loop and a piece of hay in his mouth for some reason. "Well, I don't know much about fancy-talkin' like Dwight here. He went to one of them Ivy-league colleges, you know the type. Smooth-talkin', always trying to con you outta your last dime. I hate to say it, but he fits right in with the kinda criminal they wanna put up in this... "low income" housing. Didja know these people get help from the government? Where's my help? Where's your help? Yeah, I'm sure Dwight loves the idea of letting a bunch of convicts loose in our town. But do you think your kids do? Your daughters? Probably not. Why, I'll bet at least a few of these new people would just looooove to kidnap your kids and, well.... I don't need to go on, do I? I say we get some businesses in here that'll help draw in people we WANT around. Applebee's. Chili's. Outback. Good AMERICAN food! Aren't you sick of always listening to Dwight, anyway? Why does he get to decide what happens? YOU PEOPLE get to decide. And I say we say NO to the crooks and thieves and YES to American prosperity!" A year later, Dwight sits at his desk. The Scranton Branch has had to downsize due to slumping economic conditions in the town, and Dwight now has nearly double the workload he did a year ago. Phyllis is gone, she and Bob Vance (of Vance Refrigeration) left after their business took a major downturn, too. Jim shows up late to work with a bag from Applebee's. It's 10:30 am. "Man, it is DEAD at the mall. Guess nobody else cares about Applebee's, FYE, Things Remembered, and Cash 4 Gold. Their loss!" Jim chows down on Applebee's while flipping through a bag of $5 DVDs he purchased with the money he got from selling all of Pam's Jewelry. Dwight just stares at him, unable to even muster the energy to get angry any more. "Children of the Corn 666, you know that's gotta be good. Ooooh, and Dracula 3000! Casper Van Dien, baby! drat, this is good stuff." Dwight expands his job search on monster to 200 miles as Jim mugs for the camera.
|
|
#
?
Sep 13, 2021 17:45
|
|
|
Jim brings a whip to work and starts whipping the wall. When Dwight asks what's happening, Jim says that he's looking for "wall meat". Finding none, Jim begins furiously whipping every lighting fixture in the office and, eventually, starts attacking the floor and ceiling. "Don't worry, he'll tire himself out soon." says Dwight to the rest of the office. "He just wants me to try and stop him, then he'll do a whole Castlevania thing. Probably throw an axe at my head or something." Jim eventually does pass out from exhaustion and sleeps, smugly, for the camera.
|
|
#
?
Sep 13, 2021 18:04
|
|
|
The US Senate is seriously considering ceasing all funding paid to public broadcasting, which would cripple PBS, NPR, and other public interest news and child-development programs. On the eve of the vote, Dwight is called forth to speak to the value, if any, that public broadcasting provides to the nation in defense of its continued funding. Dwight: Senator Pastore, this is a philosophical statement and would take about ten minutes to read, so I'll not do that. One of the first things that a child learns in a healthy family is trust, and I trust what you have said that you will read this. It's very important to me. I care deeply about children. Senator Pastore: Will it make you happy if you read it? Dwight: I'd just like to talk about it, if it's alright. My first children's program was on WQED fifteen years ago, and its budget was $30. Now, with the help of the Sears-Roebuck Foundation and National Educational Television, as well as all of the affiliated stations -- each station pays to show our program. It's a unique kind of funding in educational television. With this help, now our program has a budget of $6000. It may sound like quite a difference, but $6000 pays for less than two minutes of cartoons. Two minutes of animated, what I sometimes say, bombardment. I'm very much concerned, as I know you are, about what's being delivered to our children in this country. And I've worked in the field of child development for six years now, trying to understand the inner needs of children. We deal with such things as -- as the inner drama of childhood. We don't have to bop somebody over the head to...make drama on the screen. We deal with such things as getting a haircut, or the feelings about brothers and sisters, and the kind of anger that arises in simple family situations. And we speak to it constructively. Senator Pastore: Well, I'm supposed to be a pretty tough guy, and this is the first time I've had goose bumps for the last two days. Dwight: Well, I'm grateful, not only for your goose bumps, but for your interest in -- in our kind of communication. Could I tell you the words of one of the songs, which I feel is very important? Senator Pastore: Yes. Dwight: This has to do with that good feeling of control which I feel that children need to know is there. And it starts out, "What do you do with the mad that you feel?" And that first line came straight from a child. I work with children doing puppets in -- in very personal communication with small groups: "What do you do with the mad that you feel? When you feel so mad you could bite. When the whole wide world seems oh so wrong, and nothing you do seems very right. What do you do? Do you punch a bag? Do you pound some clay or some dough? Do you round up friends for a game of tag or see how fast you go? It's great to be able to stop when you've planned a thing that's wrong. And be able to do something else instead, and think this song -- 'I can stop when I want to. Can stop when I wish. Can stop, stop, stop anytime....And what a good feeling to feel like this! And know that the feeling is really mine. Know that there's something deep inside that helps us become what we can. For a girl can be someday a lady, and a boy can be someday a man.'" Senator Pastore: I think it's wonderful. I think it's wonderful. Looks like you just earned the 20 million dollars. Following Dwight's testimony, Jim is called to give evidence on the value of continued funding. He plays 45 minutes of clips taken from the documentary An American Office, all of which feature his gross, disgusting, immoral, obscene, and reality-bending pranks against Dwight that were filmed and broadcast over the past nine years. Several members of the committee vomit. Footage on CSPAN is censored. Several sub-committees are formed to further investigate Jim's crimes. All funding for public broadcasting is suspended.
|
|
#
?
Sep 13, 2021 19:17
|
|
|
After watching the movie Nell Jim shows up to work dressed in homemade clothing and speaking only in an indecipherable pidgin language. When Dwight complains to Toby about Jims nonsense, Michael summarily fires him for racism against feral people. As Dwight despondently packs up his desk while Hank watches him, Jim walks into the the room dressed normally. In perfectly clear English he tell Dwight sorry to see to see you go, buddy and then mugs the camera.
|
|
#
?
Sep 13, 2021 19:28
|
|
|
Jim hires a monster to kill anybody who makes a sound, declaring that the office is 'A quiet place'
|
|
#
?
Sep 14, 2021 22:22
|
|
|
aita: i cant stop pranking my coworkers bbstar42069 (203 upvotes) i (m31) work at a boooooring office. my girlfirend (f32) thinks I play to many pranks on my coworkers. I don't think it's a big deal because they really disserve it. my boss is a total idiot and I like to prank this new guy iwth anger issues. but the biggest moran os this guy who is justa total dork. he wears dumb clothes and has a stupid haircut and he isnt fun and he likes dumb science fiction stuff. so I make sure to prank him with really funny stuff like I took his stapler and I put it in jello lol one time i put his desk in the bathroom another time i summoned a flight of demons to strip his flesh away and cary his sole down to hell for eternal tormetn and servitude to the dark adversery of light. anyway, my gf says i need to "grow up!" and "pay attentio to my job for once" before she'll merry me. I dunno, i really like her but i also dont want to give up my pranks. aita? Balloon_Boy (13,203 upvotes) e: Thank you for the gold, but please, instead: Donate to the ASPCA I think that your problem rests not in whether you should choose between pranks or your girlfriend, but instead with the compulsion that brought you here in the first place. Why do you feel the need to project your insecurities onto others, and find fault with them, to blame them for being victims of your actions? Look at the way you framed this: You're finding reasons to explain to us why your coworkers "deserve" to be pranked by you. But this stems mostly from your own frustrations with your life. You say your workplace is boring. Are you feeling inadequate, or like you aren't living up to your potential? Why do you sabotage yourself in your own career like this? It may be time for some self reflection. bbstar42069 (-31 votes) fine. im not going to read people just saying "change" or "stope being so mean", im just gonna delete this. fine, nobody help me
|
|
#
?
Sep 15, 2021 02:56
|
|
|
Jim watches the Sopranos for the first time, in preparation of the new prequel film. He becomes obsessed with the show, and starts copying the mannerisms of many characters on the show in an exaggerated manner. "Eyyyyy Dwight, you got some FUCKIN GABAGOOL for lunch? I'm fuckin stahvin over heah." Dwight tells Jim that organized crime isn't really something he finds entertaining, considering that his family has long had to deal with mobsters trying to get "protection money" from Schrute Farms. He even recounts the story of his Cousin Burlap, who attempted to unionize his workplace, ran afoul of the Scranton Mafia, and was never found after a late night visit to a friend's house. "YOU'RE BREAKIN' MY FUCKIN' BALLS DWIGHT! Did I say I wanted a fuckin sob story? Gimme the goddamn GABAGOOL!" Jim grabs his crotch and mugs for the camera as Dwight is unaware that his cousin's bones lie entombed in the foundation of the building he currently works in.
|
|
#
?
Sep 15, 2021 13:36
|
|
|
Dwight announces he needs to take some personal time off due to a serious illness in an elderly family member. "Don't worry Dwight, no need. I took care of it." says Jim, smugly. Dwight asks Jim what he means, and Jim just smiles wider and wider. Dwight begs Jim to explain what he's talking about as Jim mugs for the camera.
|
|
#
?
Sep 15, 2021 13:51
|
|
|
Dwight discovers what happens when Jim stops being polite and starts being real.
|
|
#
?
Sep 15, 2021 14:18
|
|
|
Jim comes into work wearing an oxygen mask. Dwight doesn't bother asking why, but Jim loudly announces he has to "breathe backwards air, like in that movie, Tenet!". Jim spends the day walking backwards while making whooshing noises, making a paperclip appear to float into his hand by way of a thick string tied to it and his finger, and trying to talk backwards on all his phone calls. During lunch, Jim holds court with Oscar and Kelly and excitedly explains how entropy works ("it's like, time, and if it goes backwards so does time!"), the particulars of 'inverted biology' ("you can make someone unpregnant and it's not even an abortion really"), and why it makes perfect sense for an inverted fire to freeze you ("fire is the opposite of ice, after all"). Dwight hadn't noticed his annoyance level steadily rising throughout the day, but as he pours himself a cup of coffee into his favorite mug, he can't help but overhear Jim say "Tenet is basically the follow-up to Inception that we've all been waiting for". Dwight involuntarily grip the handle of his mug so tightly at this statement that is breaks off, ruining his cup. Jim frowns at the camera.
|
|
#
?
Sep 15, 2021 14:48
|
|
|
The new Vice President of Sales for Dunder Mifflin comes to the Scranton Office. In order to learn more about the branch, he asks everyone to introduce themselves and share one fun fact. Dwight mentions his beet farm. Angela talks about her many cats. Kevin just says "Kevin" 3 times. Then it's Jim's turn. "Fun fact? Heh. Well, if you ever bounced around Scranton in the 1970s or 80s you might have met my Dad. Dwight Halpert. Best drat refrigerator salesman in the state. Yeah, real great salesman. Not so great at being a husband, though. And really not good at being a dad. He used to come home most nights, drunk as a skunk, just begging us to pick a fight with him. Saying how busy he was, how stressed he was, and how he hated being around us. Imagine that, eh? Being a kid, growing up, and your own Dad says he hates being around you. I remember my 5th birthday, Dad didn't even show up. I kept asking my Mom where he was, and she just started crying after a while. Happy birthday to me, huh? Happy loving birthday. There was one bright spot, though. Dad's brother Charlie. Kind of the black sheep of that family, in that he wasn't a workaholic rear end in a top hat. Uncle Charlie loved pranks, he'd take me away from that Hell on Earth we called our house, drive me around town to the joke shop, and we'd buy some pranks together. You know the ones I'm talking about. Gum that turns you teeth black. Whoopie cushions. Classic pranks. When I was 12 years old I decided to buy a whoopie cushion, stick it on dad's recliner. That was a mistake. Big loving mistake. My shoulder still hurts when it rains. Anyway, things get worse and worse as they normally do. The refrigerator business starts to go tits up. New guy in town moves in on the deal. Bob Vance. Phyllis, you're loving him, right? Did you know he hosed my family, too? hosed us over so bad my Dad just started sitting on that chair of his and drinking all day. Didn't leave that spot for days at a time. Just yelling at me and Mom to grab him a beer. A lot of times he started crying for no reason. Can you imagine being a 16 year old, seeing your Dad drunk off his rear end and crying all day? Uncle Charlie starts visiting more and more, trying to motivate dear old Daddy. It didn't work, of course. But it was okay for me, we visited a lot of joke shops and I learned a lot about pranks. You might say pranks were my escape during this time. I was always a smart kid, too. I did well in school without much effort. But when I did apply myself? Oh boy, the things I could come up with. And with pranks to motivate me, I was always thinking of fun new things. One night, Dad was in a really bad spot. He saw a commercial for Vance Refrigeration and started breaking things. Mom tried to calm him down but he ended up hitting her pretty hard. I told him to just calm down and sit on his favorite chair ,and he did. Right on my whoopie cushion. My special whoopie cushion. Compressed air can be a powerful thing. You can propel something at a very high speed if you're so inclined. Like, say, a nail. A nail you can launch into your father's brain when he sits on the trigger device. And a really fun prank might be to work with your Mom and Uncle to chop up the body, hide it in some barrels, and then sink the barrels to the bottom of a flooded quarry. Good joke. I know I still laugh about it." Everyone stares in silence as Jim sits, emotionless, finishing his story. Toby finally breaks the silence, asking Jim if it's true. If his father being named Dwight, the escapism through pranks, if all of that is true and if that's why he's the way he is. Jim breathes in deeply, sighs, and then mugs for the camera. Dwight avoids sitting in any seats for the next month.
|
|
#
?
Sep 15, 2021 15:07
|
|
|
The new Vice President of Sales for Dunder Mifflin, Mark Vernon, comes to the Scranton Office. In order to learn more about the branch, he asks everyone to introduce themselves and share one fun fact. Dwight mentions his beet farm. Angela talks about her many cats. Kevin just says "Kevin" 3 times. Then it's Jim's turn. "You know what I got for Christmas this year? It was a banner fuckin' year at the old Halpert family. I got a carton of cigarettes. The old man grabbed me and said "Hey. Smoke up Jimmy." Everyone stares in silence as Jim sits, emotionless, finishing his story. Toby finally breaks the silence, asking Jim if it's true. The escapism through pranks, if all of that is true and if that's why he's the way he is. Jim breathes in deeply, sighs, and then mugs for the camera. Dwight writes the following letter to Mr. Vernon: "Dear Mr. Vernon, we accept the fact that we had to sacrifice a whole Saturday in the conference room for whatever it was we did wrong. But we think youre crazy for making us write an essay telling you who we think we are. You see us as you want to see us In the simplest terms, in the most convenient definitions. But what we found out is that each one of us is a brain, and an athlete, and a basket case, a princess, and a criminal Does that answer your question? Sincerely yours, the Scranton Club."
|
|
#
?
Sep 15, 2021 15:18
|
|
|
Jim switches Dwight's baby aspirin with sugar pills, causing Dwight to be not insignificantly more likely to develop heart problems as he moves into upper-middle age.
|
|
#
?
Sep 15, 2021 17:09
|
|
|
Dwight has a stressful sales call and eats a Reese's Peanut Butter Cup in order to get a small bit of enjoyment and a quick sugar fix. He feels better afterwards and continues with his day. Jim burns down all of Hershey, Pennsylvania in retaliation.
|
|
#
?
Sep 15, 2021 17:33
|
|
|
Jim walks behind Dwight and taps him on the opposite shoulder from the side Jim is standing. Dwight, being a paranoid psychopath, pulls out two Bowie knives and begins flailing wildly, deeply stabbing Jim multiple times in the abdomen, arms, and face.
|
|
#
?
Sep 15, 2021 18:03
|
|
|
Pam wants to surprise Jim for his birthday by coming up with and executing a prank all on her own. She places dry ice in the air vents of Dwight's car so that when he turns on the AC it'll look like smoke is coming out. Dwight passes out just as he enters the Dunder-Mifflin parking lot. Phyllis has to be rushed to the hospital. Jim is absolutely furious that Pam endangered the only thing in this world Jim actually cares about.
|
|
#
?
Sep 15, 2021 18:08
|
|
|
Jim catfishes Dwight, pretending to be a beet farmer from Germany named Gertrude. Although Dwight has no romantic feelings for this fake character, Jim ALSO begins catfishing Angela as a Christian author. Jim's wicked machinations attempt to turn the two against each, trying to get either Jim or Angela to cheat on each other. Neither of them have any interest in Jim's false personas. Dwight simply views Gertrude as a resource for beet information. When Jim creates fake "sexy photos" and sends them to Dwight, Dwight firmly rejects Gertrude and says that he's ending communication forever. He attempts a similar scheme on Angela which also fails. The next day at work Jim loudly says "Wow Dwight, you loving that German farmer yet?" hoping to cause an argument. Again, nothing happens, as Angela and Dwight have a solid relationship built on communication and trust. In retaliation, Jim violently vomits on his desk and blames Dwight.
|
|
#
?
Sep 15, 2021 19:55
|
|
|
Dwight opens his desk drawer and dozens of balloons burst out. "Nice going, ballroom boy!" says Jim. A moment later Jim realizes he misspoke. "poo poo. poo poo! gently caress!" He desperately tries to gather up all the balloons and cram them back into Dwight's desk drawer. "Everybody go back out and come in again!" he pleads. Every handful of balloons he grabs causes him to release another handful. "Do over! Do over!" he shouts, tears streaming down his face. When nobody reacts, Jim pulls a handgun out of his pants and fires it into the air. "I said everybody go back out and come back in again!" he shrieks. The office empties in a panic. Meredith is trampled and must be taken to the hospital. Nobody comes back even after Jim finishes packing the balloons back in Dwight's drawer and shouts for them to come back in.
|
|
#
?
Sep 15, 2021 20:21
|
|
|
After hearing Dwight talk about the new Animal Crossing game for Switch, Jim threatens to have his "uncle at Nintendo" cancel the game to get back at Dwight for stealing his second biggest client. (In reality Jim ignored several phonecalls from the client - telling Dwight that he keeps pranker's hours - and finally the frustrated client called Dwight, begging for someone to sell them paper). Dwight scoffs at Jim and goes on with his day. Two weeks later Sam Halpert, Vice President at Nintendo, cancels the game.
|
|
#
?
Sep 16, 2021 01:09
|
|
|
Upgrade posted:pranker's hours  beautiful
|
|
#
?
Sep 16, 2021 02:09
|
|
|
Jim shows up to work one day dressed like Dwight, but not Dwight as we know him, Dwight as he should have been. Dwight breaks down into tears and hurls himself from the roof of the building. Jim the Dwight mugs the camera.
|
|
#
?
Sep 16, 2021 03:52
|
|
|
Jim twerks in Dwight's face while poorly freestyling a rap about how he'll never get fired because his childish pranks amuse Michael. Michael claps along excitedly in the background.
|
|
#
?
Sep 16, 2021 15:09
|
|
|
Jim shows up to work with giant, swollen testicles. The office is horrified and he very awkwardly explains that he was out partying with some friends and woke up like this. Michael asks if they visited a strip club or something, and Jim very quickly denies it, adding "We definitely didn't have sex with each other, with multiple partners, and do all of it without any precautions at all." When asked why his testicles are so swollen, Jim (who is sweating like crazy) says that the only thing he can think of is the fact that he just got vaccinated. "Yup, that must be it. Mystery solved!" Pam ends up tweeting a retelling of this, having racked up hundreds of thousands of followers thanks to people assuming her posts about Jim are a horror ARG. The story spreads quickly and Jim is embraced by the right as a "hero" for questioning the vaccine. Jim nervously gives a presentation at a right-wing fundraising event, speaking about his giant balls and saying that he totally believes the vaccine caused it. "Yup," he adds. "Definitely the vaccine. I did not go rear end to mouth with anyone, or cover myself in baby powder and cocaine and slide on a slip-n-slide made of naked women and men. And I did not coat my balls with radium in order to make them glow in the dark." He is sweating the entire time and keeps tugging at his shirt collar and looking down at his hands. Dwight sighs as the news preempts a story about some baby ducks in order to cover more about Jim, excitedly explaining that Jim is going to the White House in order to meet representatives of the CDC and talk about vaccine disinformation.
|
|
#
?
Sep 16, 2021 15:21
|
|
|
Jim starts calling Dwight "balloon boy" because of Dwight's grotesquely swollen testicles. "I injected Dwight's balls with gonorrhea while he was sleeping," explains Jim.
|
|
#
?
Sep 16, 2021 17:12
|
|
|
Michael lets his enthusiasm for fun get the best of him yet again and sets up a game of hide and go seek in the office. Dwight characteristically strictly defines the rules of the game ("No leaving D-M official lease space, absolutely no peeking while counting, and hide away from dangerous equipment or machinery. Warehouse is off-limits. Stay safe, people!"), and have fun for over an hour as Andy fumbles his way around the office, finding people. Stanley and Phyllis are eventually found, cleverly sitting behind a stack of paper boxes, playing cards. They return to their desks, smiling, and see Jim. Jim was found literally as soon as Andy opened his eyes, "hiding" behind the office plants and standing straight up. "Oh, no. You caught me," he said with flat effect, "Now I am caught and must return to my desk." While Stanley and Phyllis smile and return to their desks, Jim rolls his eyes and theatrically makes the jerk off motion. "Look at Mister Too-Cool-for-School over there," Stanley mutters to Phyllis. "Some people need to learn how to just let other people enjoy things," she replies. Jim manages to hear this, and his eyes and nostrils flare like a bull. "I'll show you hide-and-go-seek," he whispers, sinisterly. "I'll show you how I play." Jim runs over and tags Phyllis and Stanley. "Found you!" he cries, as they shriek and twist, shrinking and disappearing in a swirl of smoke. Jim then runs off to find the other hiding people, catching Ryan and Kelly making out in the bathroom, and similarly banishing them each with a tap. Andy, who has been giving himself away singing a cappella as he seeks through the office, finds himself caught by Jim, and is sent spinning into the void as he screams the last syllable to "Funky Town." Oscar realizes that something has gone horribly wrong and tries to keep Kevin from popping out of the storage closet, but Jim loudly opens a new bag of chips and the sound lures Kevin, along with the rest of the accounting team, to their doom. One by one, Jim finds and removes his coworkers, until only Dwight is left. Dwight hid in the vents. He's been silently crawling away from Jim, using just a lighter to find his way. "Come on out and play hide-'n'-seek; have a few laughs!" he says to himself. He's down to a stained undershirt and no shoes (he removed them so as to creep more quietly around during the game). Dwight overhears that Jim has rigged the building to explode, and he thinks about crawling through the vents over to Vance Refrigeration, but decides against it. That's outside the bounds of the game, and he is sworn to follow the rules. Instead, Dwight pops out on top of the building, ties himself to a fire hose, and swings down through the building windows into the conference room. Through the smoke and flames, Dwight screams, "Jiiiiiiim!" he finds Jim with his fingers in a gun's shape holding Pam hostage, ready to tap her. Dwight starts to laugh. Jim laughs too. But then Dwight pulls a gun taped to his back and shoots Jim. Jim falls out the window, holding onto Pam. Dwight rushes to free her, but as Jim falls, he taps Dwight. All fades to black. Dwight wakes up in an empty warehouse, filled with boxes that create an infinite maze-like structure. He turns left, then right, then left again, but the warehouse extends infinitely. Zooming out, a patient, godlike Jim watches Dwight endlessly traverse the maze, forever. Jim mugs the pocket universe.
|
|
#
?
Sep 16, 2021 17:39
|
|
|
Jim reaches into his satchel and pulls a can of dog food out. He carefully opens it, dumps the entire thing onto a plate, ties a bib around his neck, and eats the entire plate with a fork and knife. Across his desk, Dwight watches with silent disgust. The prank is that Jim stole the food from Mose.
|
|
#
?
Sep 16, 2021 17:44
|
|
|
Jim pranks Michael by pretending to mug him, causing Michael to break into hysterical tears and soil himself. Afterwards Michael says that he's going to buy a gun and is heading to a shooting range to find one that is right for him. After shooting one round Michael begins ranting about having the power of the mighty god Zeus who shoot loud fire from his hands. When the shooting instructor say that Michael shouldnt wave his arms around while holding a loaded firearm. Michael shoots him in the leg, screaming "Kneel before your mighty god!" and then holds the crew at gunpoint and forces them to drive back to the office. Michael forces everyone to say nice things about him and laugh at all his jokes. Any time he deems their praise insincere Michael shoots in a random direction, managing to hit Meredith four times in the foot (the last one being intentional). Unfortunately Michael forgets that he is not actually a god and guns hold a finite number of bullets and is tackled and disarmed by Creed the second his pistol clicks empty.
|
|
#
?
Sep 16, 2021 17:45
|
|
|
Jim says he's gonna "shoot his shot", then kneels down in front of Dwight and asks him to "be mine forever." Dwight, sensing a prank, calls his bluff and says "yes". Jim pulls out an expensive engagement ring, slips it on Dwight's finger, and says he's happier than he's ever been before. Dwight attempts to turn the tables, asking what Pam thinks about this. Pam silently holds up the divorce paperwork, smiles, and pumps her first before saying "I'm finally free!" Dwight tries to slide the engagement ring off his finger, but Jim just starts mugging at him and laughing. The ring won't come off and Dwight starts panicking. Jim pulls out an oil lamp and rubs it sensually. Dwight feels his body starting to become incorporeal as he's drawn into the lamp. He desperately tries to remove the ring but it doesn't work and he's pulled into the lamp screaming and begging for help. "Well, I got my wish!" says Jim, smugly, as he tosses the lamp in the back of his overflowing junk drawer.
|
|
#
?
Sep 16, 2021 17:45
|
|
|
After two weeks of nonstop daily pranks -- everything in jello, desk made of paper -- Dwight finally snaps at Jim. Throwing down the knotted yarn covering his keyboard and preventing him from logging into his email, he turns towards Jim. "What the gently caress Jim? Why, why do you do this?! Why?" The office is silent. Jim smiles. "Dwight. I'm glad you asked. You've never asked before. I've been waiting for this day. You're 42, right? 42 years old? Well, I don't know if you know this, but 45 years ago -- two years before you were born -- my mother was kidnapped. She was kidnapped while walking home from class. She was only sixteen! Sixteen when someone snatched her up. Witnesses say that she was pulled into a farm truck. A farm truck Dwight, ring any bells? Well. Her parents looked for - her my grandparents - they looked everywhere. For years. But eventually they gave up. And wouldn't you believe it, five years after she'd been kidnapped she showed up. Her kidnapper dropped her off in front of a police station. She tried to help the police catch him, but she couldn't share much, other than an outline of his face - a grinning, moonface - and the smell of beets. He'd been to careful. And the worst part? The worst part was she'd had a kid. He'd raped her. He only released her after she stopped breastfeeding. When she was, to quote him, "used up.". But mom, she was resilient. She did the best she could. She moved on. She met my father four years later at college. They married, had me, and built a life. And everything seemed normal. She never spoke about. I grew up not knowing much, but life seemed great. That was until my first day here, at Dunder Mifflin. Do you remember that day, Dwight? Do you? Do you remember who dropped me off?" Dwight quietly nods, his face ashen. "Yep my mom did. And she came into the office with me. She wanted to meet my new coworkers. Then she saw you, Dwight. She saw you and she ran out of the room. And she drove herself home. We found her there, at the end of the day, dead in the bathroom. She'd overdosed on pills. She overdosed after she saw your face. Your loving moonface. I do this for my mom. I do this for your mother, you sick son of a bitch." As everyone stands in silence, horrified, a ten foot silly snake flies out of Dwight's desk drawer and slams into his crotch. He falls over, screaming in pain. Jim smiles and points up at the ceiling. "I miss you mom." Upgrade fucked around with this message at 17:54 on Sep 16, 2021 |
|
#
?
Sep 16, 2021 17:51
|
|
|
Jim convinces Kevin that Dwight is a piņata, then hands him an aluminum baseball bat. "Go ahead, Kev, take a big swing!"
|
|
#
?
Sep 16, 2021 17:56
|
|
|
A Fancy Hat posted:Jim convinces Kevin that Dwight is a piņata, then hands him an aluminum baseball bat. Kev lays a great swing into Dwight's middle. Nobody is more surprised than Dwight when his side audibly tears and candy starts pouring out. Jim grabs a piece from the floor. "Yum, Snickers, my favorite!"
|
|
#
?
Sep 16, 2021 17:59
|
|
|
|
| # ? May 14, 2024 03:43 |
|
|
Jim shows up to work nude except for a pair of red shoes. His body has been painted to look like, you guessed it, Sonic the Hedgehog. Dwight mutters "Oh, this'll be great", but Jim doesn't seem to notice it. Instead, he just sits down and starts working as if nothing is amiss at all. He completes the entire day like this (Michael is in New York for a corporate meeting) without incident. At the end of the day, Dwight asks him what the prank is. Jim just looks confused for a moment, then asks Dwight if he's seen his buddy, Tails. Dwight says he's going home, and Jim adds "Good idea! The last place I saw him was inside your bedroom! I'm gonna pick up some chili dogs on the way home first!" Dwight rushes home and finds Mose strapped to his bed, fox tails poorly sewn into his flesh. Mose's entire body has been broken and rebuilt in an attempt to mimic Miles "Tails" Prower. Mose begs Dwight to kill him. Dwight grabs a shotgun and puts his cousin down. However, the solemn moment is broken as golden rings explode from Mose's corpse. Jim comes running up Dwight's driveway and yells at him, saying "Don't be a fool, smoking isn't cool!" before tossing a Molotov cocktail in the window. Jim runs off into the sunset, illuminated by the burning farmhouse, his penis flopping back and forth smugly.
|
|
#
?
Sep 16, 2021 18:07
|
|