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Space Kablooey
May 6, 2009


Jim setups a Bluetooth speaker and whenever someone comes near it, he pushes a button to play fart sounds in his phone app. "Hey Dwight", Jim pops up, very excited "Did you know it's only $3 dollars to upgrade the app to have premium farts?". Dwight sighs.

Every time Jim pushes the fart button he giggles.

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emjayo
Apr 11, 2013

SCRANTON, Pennsylvania (AP) — A decade of "harmless office pranks" has culminated in a homicide inquiry, after the disembodied head of the prankster was found pierced through a spike outside a Scrantan paper merchant.

The body of 33-year-old James Halpert, a salesman at the local branch of Dunder-Mifflin Paper, was found in multiple pieces scattered around the parking lot of a local business park.

The body was so badly disfigured that it could only be identified by dental records.

Police arrested 38-year-old Dwight Kurt Schrute III on suspicion of murder at his residence early Thursday morning. Schrute was denied bail and remanded in custody until a court hearing next week.

Employees at Dunder-Mifflin, where both Schrute and James Halpert worked, described the two as having a "difficult" relationship.

One employee, who asked not to be named, told the Associated Press that the victim would allegedly commit multiple 'pranks' on the accused.

"These could be pretty elaborate pranks. Last week, Jim stapled Dwight to the wall and force-fed him jellO. He just kept screaming 'DO YOU LIKE THROWBACKS, DWIGHT? HUH? DO YOU?' It was pretty disturbing."

Dunder-Mifflin CEO David Wallace said in a statement that the company was "deeply shocked" by the killing and would fully co-operate with any police enquiries.

It's alleged that Mr Halpert had performed more than 10,000 different pranks on Shrute over the last decade, all of which were described by Dunder-Mifflin Scranton Regional Manager Michael Scott as "harmless" and "mostly really funny".

James Halpert is survived by his wife Pamela and two children.

Applewhite
Aug 16, 2014

by vyelkin
Nap Ghost
Jim rolls into work in a wheelchair. Dwight, infuriated that Jim would appropriate handicapped culture, gets up and throws Jim out of the chair onto the ground. Jim howls in pain. He really is crippled!

Dwight is sent home early, looking ashamed.

Jim smirks at the camera.

"I had Pam run over my legs with the car last night," he explains.

A Fancy Hat
Nov 18, 2016

Always remember that the former President was dumber than the dumbest person you've ever met by a wide margin

Michael asks Dwight to please stop talking about this mysterious "Jim Halpert" that nobody else has ever heard of. Dwight insists that he's another salesman at Dunder Mifflin, one who's worked here for years and even married Pam. Pam starts crying, adding "Dwight, WE'VE been married for years, how can you say this?"

Dwight says he needs to go home and lay down, everything seems so confusing right now. He heads towards Schrute Farms but is unable to unlock the front gate. When he tries jumping the gate, a man approaches him and asks what the hell he's doing. Dwight explains that he lives here and his key to the gate doesn't work. The man says that's impossible, this is his farm, and he's never seen Dwight before.

Dwight instead heads to what he remembers as Jim's house, but finds that his key works in the front door. He plops down on an unfamiliar couch and falls asleep.

"Hey Dwight! Buddy! Wake your fat rear end up! Why are you sleeping on MY couch?"

Dwight wakes up to that voice but finds no one in the house. His head is now pounding with pain and he finds drops of blood spattered on the pillow he rested his head on. Fearing that he's suffered head trauma and is suffering mental side effects, Dwight tries to call 911. However, he finds himself unable to move his body.

"Not so fast, you fat moon-faced gently caress! I'm in charge now!"

Dwight feels his body start to move without his control. His head begins pounding even worse and Dwight passes out from the pain and shock. When he awakens, he's back at Dunder Mifflin. This time, he's dressed like Jim. No one else is there and the lights are all off. Dwight's head hurts more than ever and when he touches the back of his head he finds his hand covered in blood.

"Look in the conference room, bitch. I have a little surprise for you, you stupid piece of fat garbage."

Dwight does as he is commanded. On the desk are two mirrors and a stack of yellowed papers.

"Hey Einstein! Use the mirrors to look at the back of your head!"

Dwight does so and drops the mirrors in horror. The glass shatters on the floor and Dwight screams in terror. Where his hand had touched before, where he felt the extreme pain, is now an open wound. However, inside the wound, two eyes dully peer back. Tiny, child-like teeth grin back. And even though Dwight only saw it for a second, he swears it mugged for him.

"Taaa-daaa! Say hello to Jim Halpert, aka your parasitic twin! I'm taking over this operation, buddy!"

Dwights limbs start to move without his control. He reaches down and grabs the yellowed papers. Dwight is forced to read them, medical files outlining the operation to remove "Jim" from Dwight as a child. However, the doctors feared damaging Dwight's brain and didn't remove ALL of Jim. That piece has had decades to grow, to change, to become something twisted and evil.

"Now Dwight, it's time for us to take a walk back home. We're gonna do this one step at a time, okay? Left foot first, then right. Okay? Left. Right. Left Right. Left. Right..."

Jim's disturbingly wet voice fades into the night as Dwight's body is puppeteered through the streets of Scranton.

Space Kablooey
May 6, 2009


:gonk:

Applewhite
Aug 16, 2014

by vyelkin
Nap Ghost
Jim gets the bright idea to inject his balls with gonorrhea to make them huge so he can give Dwight "the world's most epic teabag."

After a horrible night of high fever and hallucinations, Jim dies early the next morning of sepsis.

The doctor asks Pam if she was aware her husband injected his balls with diarrhea. Pam pretends she had no idea.

Who What Now
Sep 10, 2006

by Azathoth

A Fancy Hat posted:

Michael asks Dwight to please stop talking about this mysterious "Jim Halpert" that nobody else has ever heard of. Dwight insists that he's another salesman at Dunder Mifflin, one who's worked here for years and even married Pam. Pam starts crying, adding "Dwight, WE'VE been married for years, how can you say this?"

Dwight says he needs to go home and lay down, everything seems so confusing right now. He heads towards Schrute Farms but is unable to unlock the front gate. When he tries jumping the gate, a man approaches him and asks what the hell he's doing. Dwight explains that he lives here and his key to the gate doesn't work. The man says that's impossible, this is his farm, and he's never seen Dwight before.

Dwight instead heads to what he remembers as Jim's house, but finds that his key works in the front door. He plops down on an unfamiliar couch and falls asleep.

"Hey Dwight! Buddy! Wake your fat rear end up! Why are you sleeping on MY couch?"

Dwight wakes up to that voice but finds no one in the house. His head is now pounding with pain and he finds drops of blood spattered on the pillow he rested his head on. Fearing that he's suffered head trauma and is suffering mental side effects, Dwight tries to call 911. However, he finds himself unable to move his body.

"Not so fast, you fat moon-faced gently caress! I'm in charge now!"

Dwight feels his body start to move without his control. His head begins pounding even worse and Dwight passes out from the pain and shock. When he awakens, he's back at Dunder Mifflin. This time, he's dressed like Jim. No one else is there and the lights are all off. Dwight's head hurts more than ever and when he touches the back of his head he finds his hand covered in blood.

"Look in the conference room, bitch. I have a little surprise for you, you stupid piece of fat garbage."

Dwight does as he is commanded. On the desk are two mirrors and a stack of yellowed papers.

"Hey Einstein! Use the mirrors to look at the back of your head!"

Dwight does so and drops the mirrors in horror. The glass shatters on the floor and Dwight screams in terror. Where his hand had touched before, where he felt the extreme pain, is now an open wound. However, inside the wound, two eyes dully peer back. Tiny, child-like teeth grin back. And even though Dwight only saw it for a second, he swears it mugged for him.

"Taaa-daaa! Say hello to Jim Halpert, aka your parasitic twin! I'm taking over this operation, buddy!"

Dwights limbs start to move without his control. He reaches down and grabs the yellowed papers. Dwight is forced to read them, medical files outlining the operation to remove "Jim" from Dwight as a child. However, the doctors feared damaging Dwight's brain and didn't remove ALL of Jim. That piece has had decades to grow, to change, to become something twisted and evil.

"Now Dwight, it's time for us to take a walk back home. We're gonna do this one step at a time, okay? Left foot first, then right. Okay? Left. Right. Left Right. Left. Right..."

Jim's disturbingly wet voice fades into the night as Dwight's body is puppeteered through the streets of Scranton.

Yeah, Malignant was alright

A Fancy Hat
Nov 18, 2016

Always remember that the former President was dumber than the dumbest person you've ever met by a wide margin

Jim replaces Dwight's blue pen with a purple one.

Dwight is forced to get a new copy of a sales document, as purple ink is not acceptable within Dunder Mifflin.

Jim laughs maniacally as his master plan to make Dwight be slightly inconvenienced goes off without a hitch. Chaos reigns, he thinks to himself, and I am the Lord of Chaos.

A Fancy Hat
Nov 18, 2016

Always remember that the former President was dumber than the dumbest person you've ever met by a wide margin

Who What Now posted:

Yeah, Malignant was alright

Jim spoils the twist of Malignant in his 1 star letterboxd review for the film Malignant, arguing that it "Was super predictable from frame 1."

Dwight unfortunately reads the review and his viewing of the movie is slightly less fun than had he gone in blind.

poisonpill
Nov 8, 2009

The only way to get huge fast is to insult a passing witch and hope she curses you with Beast-strength.


Jim sells his home, his car, all of his possessions and worldly goods except for a single robe and sandals that he wears to work one day. When Dwight arrives a few minutes later, he doesn’t notice Jim’s strange outfit. Jim is practically vibrating with joy, until he bursts and can’t help himself.

“Dwight, hey Dwight! Look at me!”
Dwight, sighing audibly, glances up at Jim. Jim is, sure enough, wearing threadbare robes. “I gave away everything I own!”
“Why?”
“If you want to be perfect, go and sell all your possessions and give the money to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven.”
Dwight is touched. “You really did that?”
Jim smirks and mugs the camera, “That’s right, balloon boy! I gave all the money to the poor! The only catch was that they had to do…. THIS!”
Suddenly a parade of Scranton’s homeless and poor enter the office, blaring horns and carrying thousands of helium balloons into the office. They circle Dwight, blasting trumpets in his ear and then file out, leaving the office absolutely packed with balloons.

That night, as he tucks himself into a cardboard box in the alley near Dunder Mifflin’s office park, Jim thinks back on the day and chuckles to himself so hard that he can barely sleep.

Upgrade
Jun 19, 2021



Jim just loving eats Andy.

A Fancy Hat
Nov 18, 2016

Always remember that the former President was dumber than the dumbest person you've ever met by a wide margin

Jim eats an Arby's beef and cheddar and gets cheddar cheese all over Dwight's desk.

Applewhite
Aug 16, 2014

by vyelkin
Nap Ghost
Jim sees Dwight with a balloon tied to his desk and gets super excited to call Dwight "balloon boy" when suddenly Andy walks up and says "what's up, balloon boy?" to Dwight, completely stealing Jim's thunder.

Jim goes to the break room and wipes his rear end on Andy's sandwich.

emjayo
Apr 11, 2013

jim eat

a balloon

poisonpill
Nov 8, 2009

The only way to get huge fast is to insult a passing witch and hope she curses you with Beast-strength.


Dwight eat beet but Jim laugh, smile at camera. Make Dwight the fool eating balloon instead. "Ha Ha" say Jim and look at camera. Dwight sad return farm to pet Mose dog. World fade away, Dwight scared disappear, devil come for Dwight.

Applewhite
Aug 16, 2014

by vyelkin
Nap Ghost
Dwight activates a tripwire that releases Jim's severed head on a spring directly into Dwight's nuts.

Jim's severed head mugs for Dwight's balls.

WHY BONER NOW
Mar 6, 2016

Pillbug
A kitten is roaming around the office, as Michael has adopted and made it the company mascot. Dwight quickly volunteered to take care of it; consequentially he keeps the litter box near his desk.

Jim walks in very slowly, taking baby steps and grunting. He gingerly sits down, gritting his teeth, and looks at Dwight. "Hey, how's Dundman doing? Any BMs?"

"No," Dwight answers, frowning. "He hasn't used his litter box in three days. I'm going to take him to the vet tonight."

Camera cuts to Jim in a confessional. "I've been cleaning the litter box when Dwight's not around. He thinks the cat hasn't taken a poo poo for three days." This is interspersed with clips of Jim covertly pulling cat turds out of the litter box and frantically hiding them: in his pocket, in a nearby potted plant, under a ceiling tile. "So naturally, he's worried. I bet he hopes to find some poo poo in the box today!" He winks at the camera.

Camera cuts to Pam in a confessional. "Correct. Jim hasn't used the bathroom in three days now. He says it's for a project. I don't...I just...I can't..." Pam breaks into tears.

Back at Jim's desk. He's breathing hard. "Hey Dwight, I think I heard Michael call for you. You should go check it out."

Dwight responds with "Jim, first off, Michael is at corporate today. Secondly, I don't know why you've been eating so many large meals this week, but the takeout containers are starting to smell. Clean up your drat work area."

Jim is constantly shifting his weight in his chair and is breathing heavy. "No but seriously, Dwight, I think I saw Stanley park in a handicapped spot, you should check it out."

"Jim I just don't have time for your foolishness; I have conference calls back to back the entire day." Dwight puts on a headset.

Jim lets out a couple involuntary groans and doubles over for a second. When he straightens out, his forehead is covered in beaded sweat. He appears to be concentrating very hard on something.

"...please...Dwight...there's a...rival paper company spy in the warehouse..." but Dwight has begun one of his calls and is not listening.

Jim closes his eyes. He spends the rest of the day making this face



but he never looks at the camera

Brrrmph
Feb 27, 2016

Слава Україні!
Dwight’s uncle at Nintendo tells him about an exciting new Mario video game that will be released next year. Jim gets a job at Nintendo and has sex with Mario.

Applewhite
Aug 16, 2014

by vyelkin
Nap Ghost
Jim invites Dwight to tour Nintendo so Dwight can meet his uncle.

Dwight enthusiastically agrees.

“This is the room where we keep Donkey Kong,” says Jim’s Uncle.

“What do you mean?” asks Dwight. “Donkey Kong isn’t real.”

“See for yourself,” says Jim.

When Dwight peeks inside, Jim and his uncle both shove Dwight roughly through the door, trapping Dwight in a room with an enraged gorilla.

Jim and his uncle high five and mug the camera together.

Applewhite
Aug 16, 2014

by vyelkin
Nap Ghost
Jim eats cup after cup of uncooked rice in order to cause his stomach to rupture so he can splatter Dwight with his exploding guts.

poisonpill
Nov 8, 2009

The only way to get huge fast is to insult a passing witch and hope she curses you with Beast-strength.


Jim traps Dwight inside Donkey Kong. Literally, Dwight wakes up one day, groggy as if from drugs, and find that he is inside a giant gorilla costume. Or…. Did he somehow get transformed into an actual gorilla?

Before Dwight can figure out just what happened to him, he is shocked to discover his surroundings. Although he’d gone to sleep in his cozy bed, on his familiar farm, now Dwight is hundreds of feet in the air. Balanced on some kind of… steel building frame? Metal girders? It’s industrial, Dwight knows that much, glancing at the rows of barrels next to him.

Movement catches his eye. Down on the ground, Jim has a frenetic gleam in his eye as he races up the ladders toward Dwight. For a moment, Dwight is just puzzled. But when Jim, unhesitatingly fast and moving as quickly as he can toward Dwight, sprints past a huge hammer, and mid-stride picks it up, and keeps running, swinging it wildly up and down with amazing speed, Dwight knows he is in danger. Quickly, he grabs a barrel and begins to throw it down toward Jim…

poisonpill fucked around with this message at 13:39 on Sep 17, 2021

A Fancy Hat
Nov 18, 2016

Always remember that the former President was dumber than the dumbest person you've ever met by a wide margin

To celebrate a successful sale, Dwight heads to the movie theater. He heads to the ticket counter and asks for a ticket to the upcoming show.

"Sorry, sir, that one is actually sold out."

Undeterred, Dwight asks for a ticket to the next showing of that movie.

"Uh... sorry again. It looks like this one's sold out, too."

Dwight, always one to roll with the punches, decides to go for the NEXT movie. But that's sold out, too. Every movie Dwight picks is sold out, every showing. Dwight congratulates the ticket seller on the huge amount of business, but admits that he's a little frustrated that he can't see a movie. "I just had a really big sale!" he explains.

The ticket seller scrolls through every movie and finally finds one with some open seats.

"Screen 7 is showing something called 'The Scranton Tapes'. I don't know what that is, actually, but would you like a ticket?"

Dwight agrees, thinking that he might have stumbled into a secret hidden gem of cinema. He stops at the counter for a large bucket of popcorn and an ice cold refreshing beet juice. He's so distracted that he doesn't see the face of the man who sells him the concessions. The man smiles smugly as he tells Dwight to enjoy the movie.

Dwight sits down and notices that the theater is completely empty. He starts eating some popcorn but it tastes odd to him, more bitter than it should. The beet juice also tastes wrong, and Dwight decides to throw out the concessions before the movie. No use complaining, he thinks, it's not the concession guy's fault and I don't want him getting yelled at. I'll just make sure they check the popcorn machine and beet juice vats when I leave.

The movie starts and Dwight forgets that minor inconvenience as he's drawn into the magic of the movies. A trailer for the new Battlestar Galactica movie is the highlight, but Dwight notes that ALL of the upcoming movies look good to him. It might just be because he hasn't been to the movies in a while, of course. Then, the film starts. A black screen with giant red, block letters reading "THE SCRANTON TAPES" appears and sits on the screen for nearly a minute. There is no music.

Dwight starts to worry the projector is broken, but by the time he's about to stand up, the images change. It's a security camera now, one that's filming... the Dunder Mifflin Warehouse? Jim and Pam are there, having violent sex on top of a pallet of paper.

A disgusted Dwight is about to stand up and leave, assuming this is another prank, when the film changes again. More candid footage, this time of Jim in a dark alleyway. Someone in a ski mask comes up to him and stabs him in the gut, then steals his wallet and runs away. Jim lies on the ground bleeding, motionless, and the camera does not shy away for another minute. The next scene is Jim and Pam having sex on that pallet again, but this time, Dwight realizes that it's not Pam. It's one of those high-end sex dolls, one that Jim has dressed up like Pam. Jim eventually picks the doll up over his head and spins it around before throwing it into the corner of the warehouse. Jim, panting from the exertion, then dabs and gives a thumbs up to the camera.

The scene switches again, now showing Jim in a hospital bed, asleep. A nurse comes in and holds a pillow over his head. He struggles for a moment, then stops moving.

Another scene, Jim walking across a frozen lake, being filmed from a dashboard cam of a parked police car. Two uniformed officers begin firing at Jim and he falls, the ice cracking underneath him and plunging him into frozen darkness. This is the first video with audio, and Dwight hears one cop say "gently caress, gotta hide this tape now."

Next, Kevin is carrying his pot of chili into the office. He successfully navigates the steps and front door, then places the pot gently in the break room kitchen. Jim comes running in and knocks the chili to the ground, then starts making 'chili angels' in it while laughing.

The final scene comes up. This is another security camera, one inside a child's room. Dwight can see the child in bed, sleeping and occasionally moving around. Their closet door slowly opens and a figure walks towards the bed. No, walk is not the right word. A figure SHAMBLES towards the bed. The figure slowly extends a hand towards the child's face and Dwight realizes that it's Jim, only Jim is that inhumanly tall and skinny. The footage cuts off right as Jim's hand reaches the child's face and the theater goes dark.

When the lights come back on, Dwight is no longer alone in the theater. In fact, every seat is now filled. The theater is silent. Then, one of the strange visitors stands up.

"Bravo! Bravo! Excellent film!" says the man. And Dwight realizes, almost immediately, that it's Jim. This starts a wave of applause and cheering, with other members of the audience standing up. Dwight realizes with dawning horror that they're all Jim, too. Variants of Jim.

The Jim on Dwight's left side leans over and whispers "Pretty good looking crowd, huh?". He smugly smiles at Dwight and flicks his lizard tongue at him seductively. The Jim on the right is busy clapping with his 4 arms.

Dwight stands up and says he needs to get going, trying to politely leave before things go terribly wrong. He passes through the theater with his head down, trying to avoid eye contact. A Jim with one giant eye stares at him as he walks out the back door.

Dwight lets out a sigh of relief and picks up the pace as he rushes through the lobby, praying that he'll get to his car safely. Suddenly, he hears a voice.

"Didja like the movie?"

Dwight nervously says yes, then keeps moving.

"Cool! Well, I hope you enjoyed the popcorn and juice! All those other guys drank theirs, and just look at how happy they are!"

Dwight's stomach drops but he has no time to dwell on this, choosing to run to the car and deal with anything else on his own terms. He opens his car and looks in his rearview mirror to back up.

Jim grins back at him and Dwight realizes that that's his face now. There's just one difference - 8 segmented legs are bursting from his cheeks, wiggling stupidly in the air. Spider face.

John Wick of Dogs
Mar 4, 2017
Probation
Can't post for 3 hours!
Dwight reveals he is an Alien and saves the planet from invaders of his own race.

Jim buys a souped up car and rams it directly into Dwight. The car is completely totaled and Dwight is unharmed.

"Do you bleed!? You will!" Jim promises as Dwight flies away without commenting. Jim mugs for the camera.

Who What Now
Sep 10, 2006

by Azathoth
Jim is nearly fired for assault when he brings a bullwhip to work and cracks it across Toby's back but is saved when he says he's reenacting the scene from "Roots" and Michael finds it absolutely hilarious. Instead Jim is fired for racial insensitivity when Darryl brings it up to home office.

Who What Now fucked around with this message at 21:41 on Sep 17, 2021

Applewhite
Aug 16, 2014

by vyelkin
Nap Ghost
Jim says to Dwight "look what I can do!"

As soon as Dwight looks over, Jim pops his eyeball out onto Dwight's desk. Dwight can't stop screaming.

Jim mugs the camera from two different directions.

Applewhite
Aug 16, 2014

by vyelkin
Nap Ghost
Jim comes to work wearing Pam's clothes.

"Look at me, I'm a gay boy like Dwight!" says Jim.

Michael thinks it's hilarious but Oscar and Toby have Jim go home and change. Pam is also furious at Jim for stretching out her clothes and for leaving her at home when he's got the only car.

Applewhite
Aug 16, 2014

by vyelkin
Nap Ghost
Jim comes to work wearing Pam's clothes. He sits down at the reception desk and answers the phones in a falsetto voice.

"Dunder-Mifflin, this is Pam," screeches Jim like a Monty Python fishwife. "My favorite thing to do is be a bitch!"

In the breakroom, Pam explains that she and Jim had an argument the night before and that Jim's only outlet for his anger is pranks. She smiles sadly and assures the cameraman that Jim just needs to "blow off a little steam."

poisonpill
Nov 8, 2009

The only way to get huge fast is to insult a passing witch and hope she curses you with Beast-strength.


Dwight has been avoiding Jim for months but finally accept an invitation to dinner with him. He arrives at the fancy restaurant and fumbles through ordering, whereas Jim causally orders several items with familiarity from the all-French menu.

Dwight is originally wary but gradually warms as the duo chat into the evening. Eventually Dwight speaks candidly about how bored he sometimes gets selling paper.

Jim replies “Okay. Yes. We’re bored now. We’re all bored. But has it ever occurred to you, Dwight, that the process which creates this boredom that we see in the world now may very well be a self-perpetuating unconscious form of brainwashing created by a world totalitarian government based on money? And that all of this is much more dangerous, really, than one thinks? And that it’s not just a question of individual survival, Dwight, but that somebody who’s bored is asleep? And somebody who’s asleep will not say no?”

Dwight leaves dinner that night and treats himself to a cab ride home. Each building in Scranton that he passes is a memory. The tailor where his late father bought him his first suit. The shopping mall Michael brought him to once. When he arrives home, he tells Angela all about his puzzling, slightly unsettling, dinner with Jim.

While Dwight is sleeping that night, Jim creeps into his bedroom and draws a penis on his face with sharpie.

WHY BONER NOW
Mar 6, 2016

Pillbug
Jim stands before Dwight. He flexes and pushes out a fart.

"You're going to love this, trust me. What you just saw was a normal prank." Suddenly, Jim becomes somewhat smug. "This is a super prank." He points at Dwight's chest. When Dwight looks down, Jim flicks his finger up and strikes Dwight's nose.

Jim becomes significantly more smug. "And this...this is what is known as a super prank that has ascended past a super prank. Or, you could just call this a super prank 2." He pulls out his cell phone and orders 10 pizzas to be delivered to Dwight's house at 6PM.

Dwight feints a yawn. "What a useless prank."

Jim suddenly begins to mug. "AND THIS...IS TO PRANK EVEN FURTHER BEYOND..." Jim begins mugging harder and harder. The waves of smugness physically pushes Dwight back. The entire office begins to shake; Kevin falls over while Oscar clings to his cubicle.

Pam says, "If he doesn't stop, his smugness will destroy everything!"

Jim mugs and mugs and mugs until a blinding flash erupts from his body. Stunned, Dwight gapes at this new Jim; the smugness is incomprehensible. Jim points to Dwight. "Do you smell updog?"

Who What Now
Sep 10, 2006

by Azathoth
"Whats smell?" asked Dwight who was born with anosmia. Suddenly Dwight explodes.

poisonpill
Nov 8, 2009

The only way to get huge fast is to insult a passing witch and hope she curses you with Beast-strength.


The soda machine keeps stealing Dwight’s money and he can’t figure out how Jim made it happen. Everyone keeps Dwight to let it go, Jim isn’t doing it. But Dwight can’t shake the feeling that this is part of Jim’s plan. Somehow, Jim keeps making the machine jam, because it only does so when Dwight is buying sodas.

Dwight starts watching Jim every time he goes into the break room. It escalates to Dwight hacking into the surveillance cameras and watching hours of break room footage. One day Dwight snaps when the machine jams for the hundredth time dropping his Pepsi and attacks the soda machine with a fire hammer. He breaks it to pieces, looking for the reason it isn’t giving him soda. “KEVIN. JUST. BOUGHT. ONE!” he screams as he hacks the machine to pieces. “IVE. TRIED. EVERY. BUTTON!”

Of course the machine had been untampered with, and the soda company charges Dunder Mifflin for the machine. Michael doesn’t subtract it from Dwight’s pay, but he makes Dwight fetch sodas for everyone on staff for the six weeks it takes to replace the machine. Jim abuses the entire time, asking for lime-flavored, or Baja blast Mountain Dew, all kinds of things that make Dwight run all over town for weeks.

In closed room confessional, Jim smirks at the camera and admits that he truly never tampered with the machine. “I just replaced all of Dwight’s quarters with fakes.” he finishes smugly.

Applewhite
Aug 16, 2014

by vyelkin
Nap Ghost

poisonpill posted:

The soda machine keeps stealing Dwight’s money and he can’t figure out how Jim made it happen. Everyone keeps Dwight to let it go, Jim isn’t doing it. But Dwight can’t shake the feeling that this is part of Jim’s plan. Somehow, Jim keeps making the machine jam, because it only does so when Dwight is buying sodas.

Dwight starts watching Jim every time he goes into the break room. It escalates to Dwight hacking into the surveillance cameras and watching hours of break room footage. One day Dwight snaps when the machine jams for the hundredth time dropping his Pepsi and attacks the soda machine with a fire hammer. He breaks it to pieces, looking for the reason it isn’t giving him soda. “KEVIN. JUST. BOUGHT. ONE!” he screams as he hacks the machine to pieces. “IVE. TRIED. EVERY. BUTTON!”

Of course the machine had been untampered with, and the soda company charges Dunder Mifflin for the machine. Michael doesn’t subtract it from Dwight’s pay, but he makes Dwight fetch sodas for everyone on staff for the six weeks it takes to replace the machine. Jim abuses the entire time, asking for lime-flavored, or Baja blast Mountain Dew, all kinds of things that make Dwight run all over town for weeks.

In closed room confessional, Jim smirks at the camera and admits that he truly never tampered with the machine. “I just replaced all of Dwight’s quarters with fakes.” he finishes smugly.

Holy gently caress. This was better than many of the ones on the show.

Who What Now
Sep 10, 2006

by Azathoth
Dwight injures his legs when an excited Mose accidentally hits the tractor's brake release, causing it to run him over. Michael says that he's gonna take care of his friend Dwight and forces everyone in the office to personally drive one piece of Dwight's desk so that it can be rebuilt on the farm so Dwight can work from home. Michael brings over the last piece, a conference room speakerphone that Dwight must keep it on at full volume during Office hours so that it's just like he was really there.

Dwight points out that that won't really be true since the speaker in the office would be immobile and Jim hastily volunteers to carry the speaker over to wherever he wants it to be. A grumbling Dwight says that could be acceptable, and at least he'll be able to boss around Jim a little bit.

First thing the next morning after Dwight calls in and Michael forces everyone to give him a big "Good morning!" work resumes much like normal. After a few minutes though Jim sneakily mutes the volume on the speaker and takes it into the men's bathroom with him. As he exits, sans speakerphone, Kevin rushes in after him. Seconds later there is a deafening wet fart and Jim makes a face at the camera and hurrying away.

In the interview room Jim explains. "So a few nights ago I told Kevin about these delicious new sugar-free gummy bears that he should try. That was an unrelated prank to the Dwight thing, I was just going to mute him and have him talk to himself all day. But then I saw Kevin chomping down gummy bears while we were wishing Dwight a good morning I knew I had to take my chance."

Cut to a horribly disgusted Dwight as he tries to scream over the deafening cacophony of Kevin shedding his intestinal lining for someone to move the speaker. Jim narrates, "Dwight'll never hang up, Michael gave him a direct order not to." as a still screaming but immobile Dwight tries to cover his ears to drown out the squarts.

Space Kablooey
May 6, 2009


Jim lets loose a pack of 30-50 feral Jims in the office

Space Kablooey fucked around with this message at 04:31 on Sep 18, 2021

Space Kablooey
May 6, 2009


Jim lets loose an entire flock of nude Jims in the office, their bodies painted 1 through 100. Dwight rounds them all up in Micheal's office except for Jim number 99, which he can't find anywhere in the Dunder-Mifflin office or its outskirts.

In the confessional, Jim lifts his shirt showing the number 66 painted on his chest. Jim mugs the camera, but only briefly.

Space Kablooey fucked around with this message at 03:42 on Sep 18, 2021

John Wick of Dogs
Mar 4, 2017
Probation
Can't post for 3 hours!
Jim yells Dwight he recommended his farm bed and breakfast to a local couple who decided to book it.

Dwight is skeptical but he does indeed get a message from his rental email account saying the room has been booked.

It's Ryan and Kelly

poisonpill
Nov 8, 2009

The only way to get huge fast is to insult a passing witch and hope she curses you with Beast-strength.


Applewhite posted:

Holy gently caress. This was better than many of the ones on the show.

:wotwot:

Jim posts a burn notice on Dwight and all his enemies come after him

FilthyImp
Sep 30, 2002

Anime Deviant
Jim replaces all his blood with beet juice.

Dwight delivers a touching eulogy, only to realize that Joe's tombstone reads

"KILLED TO DEATH BY SCHRUTE FARMS BEETS
https://www.shrutedeath.org"

Dwight's reputation in the beet community falters

Applewhite
Aug 16, 2014

by vyelkin
Nap Ghost
Jim writes a whole fantasy story just so he can make a "balloon boy" gag.

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emjayo
Apr 11, 2013

Jim arranges for a blasphemous balloon of Dwight kissing the Ayatollah to be released over Tehran. Dwight is immediately given a fatwa and goes into hiding.

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