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Jim traps Balloon Boy inside Donkey Kong when he accidentally mistakes Balloon Boy for Dwight. Jim holds up a newspaper with the headline "BALLOON BOY MISSING AGAIN" and mugs the camera awkwardly.
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Sep 26, 2021 13:52
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| # ? May 31, 2024 13:26 |
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Applewhite posted:Jim traps Balloon Boy inside Donkey Kong when he accidentally mistakes Balloon Boy for Dwight. It's doubly awkward because the first "Balloon Boy" controversy was also the result of one of Jim's pranks gone wrong.
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Sep 26, 2021 13:57
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Jim traps Balloon Boy inside Donkey Kong when he accidentally mistakes Balloon Boy for Dwight. Jim then traps Dwight in a Paper Boy and demands that he deliver a newspaper with the headline "BALLOON BOY MISSING AGAIN" while being chased by dogs, and mugs the camera awkwardly.
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Sep 26, 2021 14:03
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Dwight is reading to his son from Pater Schrute's heirloom German edition of "Mammi Gans Kinderreime." He's disturbed when he notices a certain floppy-haired jester in several of the woodcut illustrations. The jester grins at the reader as he gleefully pushes Jack and Jill down a hill. The jester smirks as he pushes a cradle from a treetop and kicks Humpty Dumpty off a wall. The next page shows a jester leering through the window at a father reading stories at his son's bedside. The father looks more than a little like Dwight. There's a flash of lightning outside and Dwight thinks he catches sight of a silhouette in the window. "Daddy, I'm scared," says Dwight Junior. Dwight pats his son on the head and tells him there's nothing to worry about, but secretly Dwight is scared too.
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Sep 26, 2021 14:52
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Jim convinces Eve to eat the forbidden fruit, thereby gaining knowledge of good and pranking
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Sep 26, 2021 14:57
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Jim flirts with Eve for centuries even though she's engaged to Adam.
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Sep 26, 2021 15:23
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Jim murders Dwight. When Michael asks where Dwight is, Jim smirks and answers, “Am i my coworker’s keeper?”
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Sep 26, 2021 15:26
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Jim convinces God that Katy Moore would not submit to Jim's dominion over her. God casts her out of the Garden of Eden and creates Pam Beasley out of one of Jim's ribs. Katy mugs for the camera as she has violent, sensuous sex with Mose (who killed Dwight and lied to cover it up), thereby creating evil and demons and earning her the moniker "Mother of Demons"
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Sep 26, 2021 16:10
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Jim traps Dwight in 80's arcade game The Librarian's Quest. Jim disguises a drinking straw as the power cord so he can provide Dwight with hydrating beverages while he's locked inside the cabinet.
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Sep 26, 2021 16:18
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"Hey Dwight, who has two thumbs and loves pranks?" Dwight sighs and responds that it must be Jim. Jim holds up both his hands, where two ragged, bloody stumps sit where his thumbs used to be. Blood is still gushing from them, showing that Jim has obviously just chopped his own fingers off. "N-nope. Not even c-c-close!" Jim weakly says before passing out and smashing his head against his desk.
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Sep 27, 2021 13:27
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How did he cut off the other thumb??
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Sep 27, 2021 14:19
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Applewhite posted:How did he cut off the other thumb?? One of those paper cutter things next to the printer. Can push it down with your forearm
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Sep 27, 2021 14:24
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Applewhite posted:How did he cut off the other thumb?? Bandsaw
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Sep 27, 2021 14:28
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Jim pulls a 2nd chair up to his desk and introduces everyone to "Zozo the Living Corpse". Jim says that Zozo is his oldest friend and he's here to help Jim out at work. Michael says it's "fine, it's loving fine, I don't care" and lets this go. Jim acts as if there's someone sitting in the chair. He occasionally talks to them, laughs at their "jokes", and even splits his lunch in half for "Zozo" to "eat". At the end of the day, Jim chillingly says "Zozo wants to go home with you, Dwight." There is no emotion in his voice, and he doesn't mug for the camera at all. Dwight just dismisses this with a weak "whatever, Jim" and drives home. As he pulls next to his house, he swears he can hear heavy, wet breathing in the car. He sits, silently, but the noise has disappeared. Dwight shivers and opens his door, then very quickly slams it behind him. Dwight rushes to his front door and heads inside, sneaking a final look at his car to make sure none of the doors have opened. He dismisses this thought as crazy, but finds himself glancing out the window every so often. To calm himself, Dwight decides to cook a very elaborate and time-consuming dinner - Grilled Beets served with a beet reduction, crispy beet bites, and mashed beets. As he's cooking, Dwight swears he hears footsteps upstairs. Dwight turns off the oven and walks upstairs as quietly as possible, telling himself that Jim's probably pranking him. But, deep down, Dwight is convinced that Zozo is walking around. Zozo the Living Corpse. What the hell kind of name is that? What kid would come up with that as an imaginary friend? Jim, Dwight supposes. He probably was a weird kid, too. But still, what kid wants to be friends with a corpse? And what the hell is a living corpse? Dwight shivers as he walks upstairs, his katana ready at his side. He sees the bathroom door is closed, light streaming through the crack at the bottom. Dwight readies himself and slowly approaches the door. He can hear the shower running in there and faint humming. It sounds a lot like Jim. Dwight forcefully opens the door and steps forward with his katana in front of him. He sees the silhouette of Jim behind the shower curtain and throws it open. Only to find nothing at all. Dwight turns off the water and begins hunting around for whatever trick Jim set up to create the illusion of him being behind the shower curtain. A projector? Something printed on the curtain? But Dwight can't find a single thing. Frustrated, he leaves the bathroom. Dwigth was so distracted tearing the bathroom apart for Jim's trick that he didn't realize his katana was now missing. Dwight finishes cooking his meal (it's not quite as good as he'd hoped) and sits in front of the TV, watching reruns of Battlestar Galactica. That's when he hears someone running around in his basement. Dwight decides to head downstairs, and at this point he realizes his katana is missing. He grabs his backup katana and a handful of throwing knives, preparing himself for whatever might be in the basement. When he reaches the bottom step he sees a shadowed figure in the corner, standing over one of Dwight's beet barrels. Dwight yells at him to get on the ground, and the figure turns around, revealing blazing red eyes. The figure runs at Dwight and shoves him to the ground, too quickly for even Dwight to react and draw his blade or knives. Dwight tries to fight back but he's pinned to the ground, unable to move his upper body. Dwight, however, is always prepared. He taps the heel of his boot on the ground, revealing a hidden knife. He's able to get his leg up and stab the shadowy figure, letting out a quiet "Knife to meet you." as he does. The figures lets out a howl of pain and falls back. Leaping to his feet, Dwight fires a rapid volley of throwing knives at the figure, each time letting out a subtle "Knife to make your acquaintance" or "Knife outfit, did your mom dress you?" style pun. Taking control of the situation, Dwight applies a full nelson hold to the intruder, lifts them off the ground and carries them upstairs. He tosses them on the floor in front of the couch. In the light of the living room, Dwight can see that it's Jim. Of course. As he's about to yell at Jim for a prank going too far, an inhuman wail fills the house. Jim slowly crawls to his knees and mugs, mournfully, at Dwight. "I'm sorry. I was trying to protect you from Zozo. But it's too late. I'm sorry, Dwight." Another wail echoes through the house and Dwight hears what sounds like hooves pounding down the stairs. He realizes, too late, that Jim doesn't have the katana he had misplaced before. Dwight gets a final glance at the television, still playing Battlestar Galactica. Well, he thinks to himself, at least I go out doing what I loved. Jim changes the channel to The Big Bang Theory and the last thing Dwight hears is Sheldon and Jim letting out a stereo "BAZINGA!"
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Sep 27, 2021 14:49
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Applewhite posted:How did he cut off the other thumb?? Jim mugs to the 4th wall, having successfully pranked Dwight AND the higher-dimension beings that only he is aware of. Creed says he can see them, too, and Jim says "Yeah but nobody cares about you."
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Sep 27, 2021 14:50
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Jim covers Dwight's glasses with superglue. Jim laughs as Dwight can't remove the glasses from his head. Dwight starts to freak out, explaining that he's deathly allergic to ethyl 2-cyanoacrylate and that he told Jim about this "after last time." Jim laughs even harder as Dwight's face begins to swell and he starts to choke. Dwight begs for help but Jim pulls out a hunting knife and threatens anyone who gets close. Dwight stops moving on the floor. "Talk about a sticky situation!" Jim says, smugly, as he mugs for the camera.
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Sep 27, 2021 15:29
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A Fancy Hat posted:Jim pulls a 2nd chair up to his desk and introduces everyone to "Zozo the Living Corpse". Jim says that Zozo is his oldest friend and he's here to help Jim out at work. New favorite
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Sep 27, 2021 16:05
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It's a cold, autumn day in Scranton when Jim shows up wearing a black cloak over his usual wrinkled business-casual attire. He produces a long scroll from his pocket and begins to read aloud. "By decree of the King of the 5th Kingdom, I declare that all magick-users must make themselves known at this time. We have allowed you to live in this realm due tot he Treaty of the 3 Husbands, which was intended to last for 3500 years. That time is over. The 5th Kingdom will permit you to pass through this world no longer. If you do not make yourself know, then I will be forced to hunt you down and have been authorized to use lethal force as necessary. If you make yourself known now, you will be granted the utmost respect by the Court of Long Shadows. You will be executed, yes, but without fear of torture. Anyone caught harboring a magick-user will also be executed. If you, however, provide the name of a magick user that hides among you, I have been authorized to reward you heartily with treasures from the Kingdom of Ni. Now, I say unto the citizens of Dunder Mifflin Scranton, do you have anything to present to me, the tally man of the 5th Kingdom?" Dwight stealthily glances over at Kevin. Years ago, Kevin revealed to Dwight his greatest secret - he is secretly Ghatotkacha, a humble and loyal giant from Indian folklore. He disguised himself in human form to pursue his greatest love - chili. Kevin/Ghatokacha is about to stand up when Dwight stands up instead. The room goes silent and a subtle, smug smile spreads across Jim's face. "Oh, the Schrute-man at long last reveals his secret! What say you, beet-farmer? I'll pay you a fine pittance for the information I can see on the tip of your fetid tongue!" Dwight knows that he must protect Kevin at all costs. The world is a strange and beautiful place, and men like Jim seek to destroy anything they cannot control. Dwight looks around the office, remembering all of the good times he's had. He takes a deep breath and then tells Jim that he's the one with magick. Dwight K Schrute is actually the legendary Green Man. Jim seems shocked at this, and demands that Dwight prove his powers, claiming that Dwight must be lying to protect someone else in the office. Dwight calmly walks over to his desk and pulls a beet from his desk. A lucky break having that there, he had brought it to work because Michael wanted to use it as a visual metaphor in a team-building exercise. Dwight holds the beet in front of his face and dramatically asks who but the Green Man could grow such plentiful beets in the soil of Scranton, Pennsylvania. "Foolishness! Anyone could do that! Why, I could grow beets much larger than this!" Dwight smiles his own smug smile, realizing that he has caught Jim in his trap. Dwight says that the only way to prove he is not the Green Man is for Jim to grow heartier, larger, tastier beets than this. Prideful Jim agrees to this condition and returns to the Halpert homestead to begin growing the beets. Jim hugs Kevin and notes that he's bought his friend several weeks to begin a new life. Kevin instead says that he knows exactly how to get rid of Jim once and for all. 8 weeks later, Jim shows up to office with his own beets and demands that a tasting contest be held. Dwight produces his own beets and they are placed in the conference room. Jim looks across the plate of beets and begins to laugh. "What feeble beets you've produced, 'Green Man'. Surely the legendary spirit of vegetation could do better than this? Aye, and where be our agreed-upon impartial judge? Mayhap he saw your pathetic offering and has already rendered a verdict?" Hank the Security Guard then appears and sits in front of the beets. He takes a thoughtful bite of Dwight's beets, then an equally thoughtful bite of Jim's. He places his hand on his chin, deep in thought. "You know, the thing about beets is they need to be made with love. And one pile of beets here tastes a whole lot like love. The other one? Not so much." At that, Kevin comes running in the room and hits Jim in the back of the head with a fire extinguisher. Jim crumples to the ground and Kevin whacks him a few more times, leaving his head a bloody paste on the carpet. Michael sighs, remembering how much it cost to replace the carpet after Todd Packer defecated on it. "We got him, Dwight!" Kevin and Dwight high five, Kevin's brilliant plan finally having come to fruition.
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Sep 27, 2021 18:40
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Michael accidentally reveals that he's never voted in an election. Taken aback by the polarizing reaction to this revelation - Oscar is horrified by Michael's lack of civic responsibility while Kevin agrees voting takes precious time away from watching porn and eating fast food - Michael decides to hold a debate the next day, election day, and he will abide with whatever side "wins." Dwight volunteers to argue the "voting is a duty required of every citizen" and Jim takes the "don't vote" side. Dwight goes first. Over his ten minutes Dwight mades an impassioned case for the importance of voting, grounding his argument in history while also making it relevant with present day examples. By the end several members of the office staff are crying and when he finishes he receives a standing ovation. Dwight smiles to himself: he knows he did his duty today and has changed at least one mind. Jim goes next. He saunters up to the front of the conference room. Unlike Dwight he has no notecards, nothing prepared. He begins. "Well. I don't know about none of that. But I will say that voting makes you a loving nerd, and if Hulk Hogan were here he'd powerslam any NERDS through the wall." With that final word Jim turns around, drops his pants, and takes a poo poo on the ground. Turning back around and looking at the mess he made he gives Dwight the finger. "THAT'S what I think of voting!" As soon as the words leave his mouth the cheering begins. Kevin and Stanley rush forward and lift Jim on their shoulders and parade him around the office. Everyone chases after them except Dwight, who stands, stunned. Later Michael agrees that not only will he never vote, that he will fire anyone who does, because he doesn't wa t any nerds in his office. Because of this new rule Dwight misses his first election in years. The next morning Dwight opens up the local Scranton paper to see that Dan Halpert, a local candidate who ran on a platform of repealing child labor laws and charging children $100/hr to go to school, won by 1 vote. In the background of pictures of Dan's victory speech Dwight spots a familiar floppy haired man, grinning.
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Sep 27, 2021 22:49
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Dwight, the enlightened Zen master of the universe, paints a symphony of sound, light, color, and thought across the canvas of ten dimensional spacetime. He creates an intricate tapestry of reality and being for the pleasure of his fellow godlike beings, Angela, Pam, and Michael Scott. As he is about to create the ultimate expression of art, Jim sneaks into the 8th dimension and subtly alters the cosmological constant. Instead of a species of self-sentient creatures that can discover the secret of the universe and thereby themselves gain the power of time and space, this change makes the discovery of the true nature of the universe impossible. The species that would eventually gain control over reality collapses as the timeline itself adjusts, immediately and forever, and the universe collapses into a new form. Jim smirks and mugs the camera. Dwight doesn't quite understand why, but he feels an inexplicable sense of loss and longing.
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Sep 28, 2021 02:33
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Jim comes into the office early and makes it so that Dwight's computer plays the murlock "Rgglgereglgelregllmlglgelre" sound every time Dwight presses the space bar.
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Sep 28, 2021 04:54
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Dwight finally gets his teleporter fully working and as he steps in the test chamber jim throws in one of Angela's cats, resulting in an abomination neither Dwight nor cat. Angela cares for the mutated creature with all her love.
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Sep 28, 2021 05:18
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Jim rolls an extension cord from the conference room out into the office, under Dwight's desk, and up into a small iPod dock on his desk. He plays the Joe Rogan podcast all day out of the tiny speaker, interspersed with random shuffled songs from My Chemical Romance and Panic! at the Disco. Every time Dwight rolls his chair slightly, a wheel catches on the cord. Dwight asks Jim to please use headphones, but Jim feigns outrage and tells Toby he has a "condition" that makes headphones "very uncomfortable" for long periods of time. Michael decides that Dwight should instead be forced to wear noise cancelling earmuffs all day, while the rest of the office can jam along to Gerard Way telling stories of pain and trauma. Jim begins mouthing words at Dwight, as though he were saying something, but when Dwight takes off his headphones, Jim pretends he wasn't doing anything. Dwight turns the noise cancellation on his headphones all the way up. Jim places a speaker emitting 140 dB of ear-splitting high-pitch squealing right behind Dwight's head, and pretends to say something. As soon as Dwight removes the headphones, Jim blasts him with enough noise to deafen him. Jim is also partially deafened, which he says in confessional was, "Worth it, since I was getting pretty sick of listening to My Chemical Romance all day."
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Sep 28, 2021 09:50
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a spate of humiliating crimes hits Scranton - bike seat sniffing, bin rummaging, exposure to public figures. they are varied in targets and tactics but all have in common one thing - a floppy-haired perpetrator whose trademark, mugging yell of "you'll never catch me! i'm dwight loving schrute!" has investigators puzzled
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Sep 28, 2021 11:03
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Jim purchases the "Froggy 101" radio station and converts it into a numbers station, in which his voice reads out a string of seemingly meaningless numbers. Occasionally the number-readings are broken up by snatches of Kevin's band playing. The numbers are a subliminal coded message programming Dwight to ruin Kevin's chili. However, due to a mistake Jim makes in the coding, Dwight becomes the Scranton Strangler. Kevin's chili remains unmolested, but he drops it on Meredith, who has to be taken to the hospital. Rascar Capac fucked around with this message at 09:26 on Oct 6, 2021 |
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Sep 28, 2021 11:27
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"Hey balloon boy, remember when you were a volunteer sheriff's deputy?" says Jim, smugly. Dwight does. A wave of nostalgia washes over him for those carefree days. He joined the force with the goal of helping people, thinking the police force was committed to protecting and serving. It wasn't long, of course, until he discovered the truth. The rotten core of Scranton laid bare in front of him. Dwight remembers the day his worldview changed. It was a Tuesday. Jim had just covered every toilet in a 15 mile radius with saran wrap. A regular, boring day. Until Dwight got the call to come into the police department. There, he saw Kevin tied to a chair, 3 burly officers surrounding him. Kevin looked as if he'd been worked over pretty badly. Dwight asked what the hell was going on, and the Sheriff explained that Kevin had a lot of gambling debts to the Scranton Mafia. And, in order to keep things running smoothly, the cops and mafia helped each other out. Shocked by this revelation, Dwight demanded that all of the officers give themselves up without a fight, intending to arrest every last one of them. He was ready to take down the entire mafia, piece by piece, in order to protect his friend Kevin and destroy the corruption taking over his city. That's when he heard the gunshot. And, a second later, when he felt the white-hot burning sensation in his gut. Dwight looked down, seeing blood spreading across his mustard yellow shirt. They shot him. They actually shot him. Dwight passed out. When he woke up in the hospital, Dwight saw a bouquet of flowers and a card sitting next to him. He was too weak to move, but the card had been opened to face him. He read the exquisitely printed card slowly. "DON'T ASK QUESTIONS, FEEL BETTER SOON!" Dwight handed in his resignation as soon as he had the strength to sign the paperwork. Sadly, he always felt like a coward for doing so. Every time he saw Kevin with a black eye or broken wrist he felt his heart break all over again. "Hey, fatso!?!? Earth to Dwight! You deep in thought there, chubs?" says Jim, smugly. Dwight apologizes and goes back to work. A few minutes later, 6 men enter the office. Dwight recognizes them - 3 members of the Scranton mafia, and 3 cops. 3 of the cops who beat up Kevin and shot Dwight in the gut. What the hell are they doing here? Jim stands up and puts on an exaggerated Italian accent, then starts waving his hands around. "Hey, we getting some freaking gabagool over heah? Ayyyyyy youse guys is alright!" Jim and the criminals embrace lovingly, laughing and joking with each other. One of the men goes over to Kevin, knocks some papers off his desk, and then dares Kevin to do something about it. Kevin starts weeping. The sheriff of Scranton walks over to Dwight and starts rubbing his shoulders very forcefully, calling him "little snitch" and "Mr. Good Guy". He tells Dwight that he got lucky he survived the gun shot, and that he's only alive because he's so pathetic. The cops, mobsters, and Jim head off to get lunch. They fill the hallways with raucous laughter. The entire office embraces Kevin and Dwight, saying that none of this is their fault. That there's no way to fight corruption like that, and that they're not cowards. Dwight feels the scar across his belly burn as tears start to well up in his eyes. Across town, Jim mugs for the camera at a fancy Italian restaurant while he slaps a waiter's rear end and demands he "Pick up the meatball I dropped, handsome".
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Sep 28, 2021 12:56
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*a TV exec is reading yet another viewer feedback survey* “I just don’t understand it. No matter what he does, viewers just LOVE the Jim character!” “What if…no. It’s crazy.” “Look, I’m willing to try anything at this point.” “What if we recut the show? Make Jim the main character, and edit around Dwight to make him look like bad guy?”
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Sep 28, 2021 13:40
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The Schrute Farms Bed and Breakfast is doing exceptionally well thanks to Dwight's new "Fall Fest" celebration. As the nights grow longer and colder, Dwight begins making bonfires, making hot beet cider, and baking delicious beet bread. He also runs a fundraiser for hospitalized children unable to enjoy the fall, calling it "Fall for All" and raising nearly a million dollars for local children's hospitals. All in all, it's been a very successful season. Until, one rainy night, a strange couple show up looking for a room. At first, Dwight thinks it's Jim and Pam. But looking closer, the woman's face is pale and emotionless, almost like a china doll. And the man's face is covered with a scarf and thick sunglasses, making it nearly impossible to make out any defining features. "Room, please" the strange man barks out. "We can pay cash." Dwight picks out a room for them (The Beet Suite, specifically) and offers to carry their bags for them. The man lets out a gruff "No." and grabs the bags himself. His diminutive wife silently follows him, glancing backwards one final time at Dwight. Dwight shudders. Dwight does a final check of the B&B at 2 am, cleaning up any room service trays and making a list of everything that's been requested for breakfast the next morning. As he steps past the Beet Suite, he hears muffled voices speaking. Giving his guests their privacy, he keeps walking. The voices are oddly chilling, and Dwight feels uneasy as he heads to bed. Drifting off to sleep, Dwight finds himself plagued with strange dreams of shadowy figures walking around him. He awakens from one of these dreams and sees his door slowly opening. It's the mysterious woman, still as pale and emotionless as ever, slowly making her way towards Dwight's bed. Dwight realizes with a start that she's wearing a silken robe and nothing else. As she steps to the side of Dwight's bed, Dwight realizes that his first instinct was correct. The woman's face actual is porcelain. It's an extremely well crafted mask, one that has an eerie, expressionless face painted on it. At a distance in low light it would fool most people. Up close? Dwight can see the brush strokes and some tiny cracks in the porcelain. Curls of her red hair hang down as she leans towards Dwight. He smells her perfume and recognizes the distinct smells of rose and beet. Dwight can hear the swishing of the silk robe over her body as she gets closer and closer. One of her hands reaches up and caresses Dwight's cheek. The smell of beets and rose is strong as her soft fingers trace a line toward his lips. Dwight is completely mesmerized now, unable to move. The woman reaches her other hand towards her own face and slowly lifts the porcelain mask. Dwight lifts a hand up to assist her, but she gently pushes it aside. She lifts the mask slowly, revealing her face before crawling into bed with Dwight. Dwight is transfixed by her visage and cannot speak. She begins to kiss him and he floats into a world of peaceful bliss. The morning comes and Dwight is awakened by the sound of his alarm. There is no sign of the woman and Dwight remembers nothing after she crawled into bed and began to kiss him. The night is a blur. He quickly gets dressed and heads into the kitchen to begin preparing breakfast, only to the find the strange man standing in the kitchen brandishing a hunting knife. He is dressed in sweat pants and nothing else. His face is finally revealed and Dwight is horrified by what he sees. The man's face is covered in deep scars, one of his eyes drifts lazily to the side, and his nose appears to have been raggedly cut away. "You sleep with my wife?" the man practically screams at Dwight, punctuating the final word with a stab of the knife. "I loving kill you. You tell me now." Completely terrified and unprepared for this encounter, Dwight confesses. He recounts the full details of the night, begging the man to spare him, saying that he remembers very little of the night and will do anything in his power to atone for what happened. The scarred man falls to his knees and begins crying heavy sobs, saying that his heart has been broken by his wife. He then unexpectedly leaps at Dwight with the knife. Deftly stepping out of the way, Dwight trips the man and watches him crash against the kitchen table, dropping the knife. Dwight rushes to grab it and calm the situation, only to find the porcelain-masked woman standing at the foot of the stairs. Again, she is dressed only in the silken robe and Dwight finds himself transfixed by her. The man evidently does, too, as he stops trying to fight and walks towards her. "I am sorry. Please do not leave me. Please, I beg of you." The man falls to the ground before the woman as if in deep, reverent prayer. "Please. I have done so much for you. Look at my face. Look at what I have become for you." Dwight simply watches the scene in silence, the hunting knife forgotten in his hand. The woman places a hand on the scarred man and caresses his back gently. Then she looks at Dwight with that expressionless mask. "Kill him." The voice is serene and quiet and Dwight seems to feel it inside his head more than he actually hears it. Compelled by some inhuman combination of lust and terror, Dwight dives at the man and plunges the hunting knife into his back. Again. And again. And again. The man doesn't fight at all, he's already given up. Dwight brings the knife down a final time into the man's neck and watches the life drain from his eyes. The pupil of the lazy eye slowly drifts from side to side before coming to a stop like some kind of metronome of the dead. Dwight looks up at the woman and smiles, hoping she is proud of what he did. She nods slightly and then walks back upstairs, beckoning Dwight to follow. He crawls up the stairs on all fours, eager to reconvene with his new lover. Outside of the B&B, the sun is slowly rising. The guests will be waking up soon. They'll discover the body, and then things will truly begin to change forever for Dwight. A lone figure stands in the beet field, watching the strange events that unfolded. He smiles, smugly, but feels a pang of jealousy that he had nothing to do with this. He is just a passive observer this time, but it's still a pretty good prank on Dwight. He mugs for the camera and walks into the high grass before disappearing into the early morning fog that has settled on the farm.
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Sep 28, 2021 15:08
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Jim asks Dwight if he'd like a cup of coffee. Dwight responds in the affirmative. Jim instead brings him an athletic cup, then pours coffee into it. The coffee quickly drains through the holes in the protective device. "Haha!" says Jim gleefully as he mugs for the camera, recording this interaction for "The Office: An American Workplace". Dwight must instead get his own coffee.
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Sep 28, 2021 17:22
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the porcelain woman had the face of jim, incidentally. it was jim's face under there. mugging.
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Sep 28, 2021 17:33
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After "The Office: An American Workplace" becomes a minor sensation, Jim acquires an army of YouTube and Twitch fans, dubbed "Jimmers." He constantly encourages them to "Rustle some Jimmies," which leads to Dwight having hundreds of dedicated internet strangers constantly harassing him.
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Sep 28, 2021 17:37
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Dwight wakes up to discover his toes have been superglued together.
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Sep 28, 2021 20:49
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poisonpill posted:Dwight, the enlightened Zen master of the universe, paints a symphony of sound, light, color, and thought across the canvas of ten dimensional spacetime. He creates an intricate tapestry of reality and being for the pleasure of his fellow godlike beings, Angela, Pam, and Michael Scott. As he is about to create the ultimate expression of art, Jim sneaks into the 8th dimension and subtly alters the cosmological constant. Instead of a species of self-sentient creatures that can discover the secret of the universe and thereby themselves gain the power of time and space, this change makes the discovery of the true nature of the universe impossible. The species that would eventually gain control over reality collapses as the timeline itself adjusts, immediately and forever, and the universe collapses into a new form. This is a good one, every cosmic Jim story should end with Dwight feeling something vital has been stolen from him, but he can’t even begin to articulate why.
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Sep 28, 2021 20:52
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Jim starts selling a line of NFT photographs of Dwight, which are an instant hit. Dwight is annoyed by this, but as he cannot prove it's Jim doing it, Toby cannot do anything about it, and meanwhile Michael has gotten deep into the craze, spending most of his money on pictures of Dwight, referring to it as his "Investments". Eventually the new pictures added to the collection stop simply being merely pictures of Dwight doing things at work, and he's shown working on the farm, taking a poo poo, and other random activities that Jim couldn't possibly have been around for. Dwight sets up cameras around the farm, but finds no evidence of any stealth photographer stalking him, and his mood takes a turn for the worse, as eventually he hears Michael cheer in celebration over buying a rare "Naked Dwight" picture. This provokes Dwight into action, and he decides that turnabout is fair play, and decides to do the same thing to Jim. As Dwight's shaky hand raises his phone up to Jim's face to take the first picture, Jim mugs for the camera.
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Sep 28, 2021 21:46
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Dwight comes in before work and sets up his own camera opposite that of the documentary crew. That morning, he allows himself to fall victim to one of Jim's pranks (a whoopee cushion). Jim's head splits in half as he tries to mug both cameras simultaneously.
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Sep 28, 2021 22:21
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Jim takes nine months of Hot Yoga lessons and certifies as an instructor. He smirks to himself on the day Michael lets him clear out the conference room and turn the thermostat to maximum temperature. “Who wants to learn yoga at lunch?” Jim shouts to the office, “Completely free! I promise it’ll be….” Jim breaks down snickering for a minute before composing himself, “hot!” Everyone is tired of his antics by now, and nobody moves. Jim looks like he’s about to cry and throw one of his classic tantrums, so Michael quickly steps in and orders everyone to join. “Conference room, five minutes!” Everyone groans as they enter the sweltering room. Jim is grinning like a fiend as he directs them all to reach for the sky, then touch their toes, then center their chakras. Stanley leaves immediately. To Jim’s surprise, Dwight is fantastic at each pose, even in his business suit, and is sweeping his limbs with grace and agility. Jim singles Dwight out. Jim is already pouring buckets of sweat in the heat, but Dwight seems calm and attentive. Jim asks about Dwight’s experience and finds that Dwight has years of yoga experience. Jim feels his prank is unraveling and starts peppering Dwight with questions. How long has he been practicing? Years. What level is he? Dwight doesn’t track his progression and just enjoy himself. Can Dwight do downward dog? Dwight shrugs and replies that he prefers up dog. Jim furrows his brow. “What’s up dog?” Placidly, but with a subtle smile, Dwight says “Not much, dog. What’s up with you?” There is a moment of silence as everyone realizes what happened. Jim silently walks out of the conference room, grabs his coat, and leaves. Pam is questioned by the police several times over the next few weeks, given her “fraught” relationship with the prankster, but Jim’s disappearance remains unsolved. He is never seen again.
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Sep 28, 2021 22:49
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Jim tosses a newspaper at Dwight and asks him to read the horoscopes. Jim's horoscope reads as follows: "You will have a beautiful and fulfilling day, surrounded by friends and family. Your outgoing and positive personality acts as a beacon for great things." Jim lets out a "pffttt" noise and dismisses the horoscope, saying that it can't be right as he has no friends. But he asks Dwight to read his own horoscope. That reads as follows: "The worst week of your life begins now. You will be fired, your house will be robbed, and a man with floppy hair will laugh at your misery." Dwight angrily crumples up the paper and tosses it in the garbage can, saying that Jim wasted a lot of time and paper on this prank. Then Michael asks Dwight to step into his office.
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Sep 29, 2021 13:54
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Jim waits for Dwight to take his afternoon nap, and then quietly cracks open a thermometer and collects the mercury into an eyedropper, and discreetly drips it into Dwight's ears and mouth.
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Sep 29, 2021 14:07
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Jim reinvents himself as "The Incredible James", a psychic, medium, and faith healer who becomes the toast of Scranton. Jim exploits the fears of people to make millions of dollars, claiming to talk to dead relatives, heal the sick, and even predict the future. All of this, of course, is completely untrue. Jim uses a mix of parlor tricks and video editing to make himself into a "psychic guru" that the majority of Scranton gleefully sends money to every single week. Dwight is, of course, enraged and decides that he has to expose Jim's trickery and end this prank. A giant tent is erected outside the local church where Jim promises to heal the sick, no matter how serious the illness. Dwight sneaks into the tent the night before the revival begins. He discovers hidden speakers and cameras hooked up to a hidden room where someone (presumably Pam) can feed information to Jim to make him appear psychic. Dwight hatches a prank of his own, hiring handyman Nate to create a radio system that can jam Jim's system and send its own signal to Pam. Dwight shows up to Jim's faith healing show and grabs a quiet seat in the back, his radio system secured inside his jacket. When Jim starts the show by grabbing and old woman from the front row, Dwight turns on the jammer. Jim appears perplexed. "So ya old biddy, your name is uh... Susan? Betty?" The woman corrects him, saying her name is Estelle. "Whatever, close enough. And you have, uh.... cancer?" She corrects him again, saying that she has glaucoma. The crowd begins to murmur and a few people even stand up and leave. "Uhhhh, okay. Glaucoma be gone!" Jim smacks her in the head, knocking her over. She stands up and says she doesn't feel any different. The crowd seems restless now and more people leave. Jim grabs another person from the audience and Dwight decides to start his endgame. "So, your name is -" Dwight uses his hidden microphone to say "Mike Rotch" and smiles when he sees Jim react strangely. The machine works - everything he says is now fed directly to Jim, who thinks it's Pam backstage. "Uh, Mike Rotch? Is that right? Who the hell named you, fatso?" The man angrily storms away and the entire crowd begins booing and throwing things at Jim. The entire tent empties out in short order, except for Dwight, who calmly sits in the back. Jim stares angrily as he realizes that Dwight has fooled him for once. Dwight tells Jim that this kind of thing preys upon the weak and can cause real harm as people avoid medical treatment. Jim theatrically yawns and says he doesn't care, he still make millions of dollars. Dwight may have taken the moral high road, but Jim doesn't need to work another day in his life. Jim merrily skips out of the tent with a smug smile on his face, leaving Dwight alone with his morals.
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Sep 29, 2021 14:59
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| # ? May 31, 2024 13:26 |
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Dwight dies at the end of a long, fulfilling life, surrounded by friends and family. After a wake and reception that is attended by nearly all of Scranton, his body is lowered into the ground. Jim turns to Angela, now over 90 years old, and miraculously Jim hasn’t aged a day. “Now that Balloon Boy is out of the way, what say you and I finally hook up?”
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Sep 29, 2021 15:09
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