Lungboy posted:

How does a 93? year old with servants to do everything for her sprain her back?

sebzilla posted:

She's been having a grand old time on Tinder since Phil died.

JeremoudCorbynejad posted:

Pronouns: We

Songbearer posted:

Moola can't you see, Screamy's piscine parents have been waiting at the pearly gates for its return and it's been so long, so long. They have all the tiny fish pellets and the biggest tank for it to swim in but they're just waiting, why are you making them wait? They're crying but you can't see that because fish live in water but they're doing that. Don't place a hard drive with your fish, the hard drive does not have a soul, not after what you put on it. It is going to Hell, Moola, but your fish is not, probably. Please help it.

Failed Imagineer posted:

https://twitter.com/JoeStephenson96/status/1459818049914212355?s=20

Replace the current Windsor lot with the entire Attitude Era WWF roster tbqh

Jedit posted:

HHH instead of HRH. Prince Andrew keeps his job but is now billed as The Under-18 Taker.

Ghost Leviathan posted:

aLoHa posted:

gently caress you and your huge cock

I DIDN'T WANT YOU TO CALL ME ANYWAY

(USER WAS BANNED FOR THIS POST)

Antigravitas posted:

ded posted:

richard has been sober for 3 days now!

Eason the Fifth posted:

Today is the day lowtax rises again

mith posted:

I too have no faith that he can stay sober four days.

BlankSystemDaemon posted:

He was funny at times, sure - especially with something rehearsed. That doesn't mean that he has to be forgiven for what he did later on.

If you want to practice death of the author, that's your prerogative of course - but at the very least, it seems to me to be a good idea to say that that's what you're doing?

sad question posted:

You'll find that it's Lowtax who is practicing death of the author right now.

Told Two Times posted:

Why yes I do apologize for all those poo poo heads coming here trying to gently caress with the truth.

DID YOU MOTHERFUCKERS SEE THE FRONT PAGE OF THE USA TODAY?

US government illegally wiretaps billions of phone calls in the nineties to 119 countries. Complete with a picture of the new world order. George HW Clinton Dubya and Barrack super allah hussein "AC" obama.

I TOLD YOU THAT poo poo WAS REAL! Right there on the front page! The government controls every goddamn mafia, cartel, and street gang on this planet. ILLUMINATI CONFIRMED. I've been 86 ing those bastards ever since I ran up on a child sex slavery ring and martin pace tried to have me killed.

So what now motherfuckers? They say you have to make a deal with the devil to join them. But really, all you gotta do is kill everybody they send after you and just blend right on in. Murder in circles. Been doing it for years. Protecting you from them.

I control the vice lords. I destroyed the GD s in town. Mafia fears me. So they serve me. Government can't stop me. I got a lady in the mississippi district attorney office and all I gotta do is eat her pussy til she screams and she cleans all my messes up. I was illuminati before it was real. Back when it was good vs evil. Now it's just US versus the DEVIL.

Why do you think I said to eat vitamins and iron pills for breakfast? That's how you cast demons out of people. You have to make it contagious and unstoppable or the demons chase you. Do everything BACKWARDS eat it up from within.

I got all the demons, all the ghosts I can find, those lynched people whose graves I found and all those thousands of defiled Indian spirits. I just tell them that I have no power over them and they have no power over me. So let's party. I have wealth beyond measure. I am truly rich. I give away all my power. I restore free will.

I met the antichrist. In the end I beat him and his old lady til they cried out for God to save them. Then I left them running for their lives in Ku Klux Klan woods. I have his chain too, the slipknot dog collar chain? Yeah its mine now. I always try to keep trophies. It makes their demons my slaves.

So where do we go from here? Vicksburg is already in a rebellion. I know we aren't alone. It's now or never.

Round two - FIGHT

Antidote for president 2016. OR ELSE.

(USER WAS BANNED FOR THIS POST)

TehRox posted:

Long story short, I had my soap in the shower and it was getting to be old/breaking apart, I figured Id get rid of it and start a new bar.


So in apparent genius, I tried to flush it down the toilet, and succeeded in clogging the toilet, I can flush it and it just raises the water and slowly goes down.


How should I fix this, will the soap get dissolved enough to flush it midpipes eventually or what can I do?

I flushed it about 12 hours ago.

(USER WAS PUT ON PROBATION FOR THIS POST)

Antigravitas posted:

EorayMel posted:

Dear goons I flushed soap down toilet how do I unclog toilet? User loses posting privileges for 1 week.

Karate Bastard posted:

Sorry if this has been asked before, but Eeory what are you doing? Are you ok?

Karate Bastard posted:

I've been going about my life completely wrong haven't I.

EorayMel posted:

Looking for Funny Forum Quotes™, of course.

Empty Sandwich posted:

I like the bizarre forums ephemera EM keeps turning up

The Vincester posted:

This may seem like trolling, but goddman, just reading the TITLES are enough to make you cringe when this guy posts.

My dad stopped taking his anti-depressants
http://forums.somethingawful.com/showthread.php?s=&threadid=1605679&highlight=

Going to a psychologist/psychiatrist
http://forums.somethingawful.com/showthread.php?s=&threadid=1604889&highlight= - Gassed

I don't understand my life. I'm so guilty. How do I stop it?
http://forums.somethingawful.com/showthread.php?s=&threadid=1604380&highlight= -The pattern I see here is alarming.

The majority of popular music is too loving angry
http://forums.somethingawful.com/showthread.php?s=&threadid=1604358&highlight=

Tell me how to make my teeth white
http://forums.somethingawful.com/showthread.php?s=&threadid=1602571&highlight=

Is it bad to drink 2 litres of orange juice per day?
http://forums.somethingawful.com/showthread.php?s=&threadid=1601862&highlight=

Why is homosexual incest illegal?
http://forums.somethingawful.com/showthread.php?s=&threadid=1601595&highlight=

Post creepy/crazy/funny masturbation stories
http://forums.somethingawful.com/showthread.php?s=&threadid=1600694&highlight=%5C

My parents think I've been whacking off too much
http://forums.somethingawful.com/showthread.php?s=&threadid=1599635&highlight=

Ask me about being an arsonist
http://forums.somethingawful.com/showthread.php?s=&threadid=1592084&highlight=

I was one bitchslap short of dying last thursday
http://forums.somethingawful.com/showthread.php?s=&threadid=1592145&highlight=

Most of these were gassed... it was wearing me out just looking at this...

_DEAGLE_ posted:

Mine would have to be from about 2 years ago. It was school holidays so I was doing the usual "go to sleep at 5am, wake up at 5pm" deal that most teenagers do. It was nearing the end of the holidays though, so I had to reset my bodyclock. I knew I could do this by pulling an allnighter, however, I began to tire around 1pm. I had to do something fast.

I decided to masturbate. Yet I hadn't showered for 3 days, so I decided to get clean at the same time. So I jumped in the shower and started beating it! But this wasn't enough. I didn't really feel like whacking off, I just wanted the release...so I jammed my fingers up my rear end. Unfortunately, I hadn't pooped in ages. Being the clever fellow that I am, I figured that since I pee in the shower, I might as well poop as well!

*Plop* out it comes. The stench rises like a mushroom cloud. Oh poo poo, what about the drain? What if it gets clogged? The plumber will have to come and he'll find poo poo in the works. That's not cool. I have to get rid of it...but how?

Another ray of inspiration hit me. I'd carry the poop to the toilet and flush it! With a boner raging wildly, I scooped the poop into my right hand and grappled with the slippery door knob with my left hand, while trying not to let any of the precious cargo fall onto the floor. Luckily, a dry spot of my hand grasped the knob and turned it visciously, almost tipping my right hand and turning my body brown, but that was not to be. Right hand held surreptiously behind my back, I looked down the hallway Jack Bauer style. My dog was no where to be seen (I was afraid he'd jump me and splatter the goodness all over me). Time to move.

I scurried through the door and threw the contents into the toilet. Bomb defused. I flushed the toilet and turned back to the job at hand; a triumphant man returning from a hard earned victory to his woman!

TylerK posted:

What kind of pussy doesn't eat his own poo poo. gently caress, my dad used to tell me, "Son, a man that don't eat his own poo poo ain't worth the paper he's printed on." I guess it makes more sense if you know that my dad can only see 2-dimensionally.

EorayMel posted:

Dear goons I flushed soap down toilet how do I unclog toilet? User loses posting privileges for 1 week.

Antivehicular posted:

This has that really good "OP was raised by TVs in a hermetically-sealed cage and has no idea how even the most basic functions of everyday life work" energy that I associate with really old SA and the bachelor threads. Why would you flush bar soap down the toilet? How does that thought even happen?

Memento posted:

This is Obi-Wan's house on Tatooine



Notice that not only is it surrounded by sand, it's on the high ground

it's literally the last place in the galaxy Anakin would want to go

Lowtax posted:

I resemble a dead cancer kid in many ways, so honestly I do not see how this plan could fail.

The Sausages posted:

https://i.imgur.com/VcEYrjA.mp4

Gravitas Shortfall posted:

Raised By Birds posted:

Al Goodwyn

ajkalan posted:

"I don't know" would have sufficed.

Gravitas Shortfall posted:

Milo and POTUS posted:

What episode has homer looking down the barrel?

Milo and POTUS posted:

What episode has homer looking down the barrel?

Orange Cream Soda posted:

recent acquisitions
from left to right:

100x 25mg Diphenhydramine
24x 5mg Dextroamphetamine
26x 0.25mg Xanax
46x 10mg Oxycodone
62x 0.5mg Ativan

(USER WAS BANNED FOR THIS POST)

edit: why the hell was i banned for this?

Orange Cream Soda posted:

edit:L needs more catchy thread title lol "omg it wont endQ!!! =T_T=" five posts by me in a row just aint rihgt. i just dont shur rhe gently caress up


god damnit

i just smoked my first weed in more than a year

t+seconds 000 throat is in fire pain can't breath

t now.... xzl i salvia flashbacksz strongeesr than anytjhng i experienced on salviA ALONE... throat hurts. i haven't even taken salvia in a week and 4 times ever

what the gently caress

they're not ending! uit's been 30 mina amn they're not ending

stronger now =(


siorrsy, mods.pl eae don't ban me

i jjst wnt this to stop

Orange Cream Soda posted:

okay. wow.

i'm back now after some laying in bed and now the weed is wearing off and the salvia is an hour into the past.

i'll be coming back after i get some rest and doubling up each post with an explanation of what was actually going on, and generally fleshing this whole mess out.

that was loving epic

the bed felt like heaven. soft, fluffy, perfect blissful heaven. i must have rolled around under my covers for 2 hours just feeling

Orange Cream Soda posted:

To clarify, incase it wasn't clear:

12 hours prior to this, I took 40mg of celexa, as I have for 2 months, and all my prior salvia trip.

1 week prior to this, I had my fourth salvia trip

tonight, all I smoked was the tip of one of the two big nugs I got. probably a third of a gram, though from the throat-fire I likely got a seed... I guess I was a bit too excited after so long and got careless

emphasis: I last touched salvia a week ago. i used a bowl that had not been smoked out of since an iso-cleaning, a bowl i reserve for weed anyways

note to self: probably slept for 2 of those hours and don't remember.

(USER WAS BANNED FOR THIS POST)

A Buttery Pastry posted:

Can't believe I have to say this in C-SPAM, but not every terrorist has the same opportunities as you.

EorayMel posted:

Winifred Madgers posted:

one of my daughters wrote us a "suicide note" saying she had taken like a dozen ibuprofens, it was all I could do to not laugh in her face

Winifred Madgers posted:

one of my daughters wrote us a "suicide note" saying she had taken like a dozen ibuprofens, it was all I could do to not laugh in her face

Winifred Madgers posted:

one of my daughters wrote us a "suicide note" saying she had taken like a dozen ibuprofens, it was all I could do to not laugh in her face