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Josherino)
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tokin opposition posted:Gonna be alone for the holiday, again, just like I have been for years and it's time for my annual mental health freakout you'll always have your posting pals! me, I've moved up a step to occasionally going to social events and spending all the interim convincing myself that no one wanted me there
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Nov 25, 2021 04:25
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tokin opposition posted:Real fun to realize I've been in self-imposed solitary confinement for the vast majority of my life and see no realistic way that's ever gonna stop before I die early. I think that kind of thought too, when I was a teenager I spent most of my time alone in my room on the computer and here I am now alone in my room on the computer. 
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Nov 25, 2021 05:19
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Azathoth posted:I deal with this too, though chewing cuticles for me, which I switched to from pulling out my hair as a kid because my dad got real mad about the bald spots, nice job dealing with it dad. That's interesting that you had success with clomipramine, i actually had a pretty bad issue with picking my scalp till it would bleed and the only thing that's ever stopped it is abilify. It's like magic, it comes back if i go off it too so i know it's the med and not something else.
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Nov 25, 2021 05:39
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CaptainACAB posted:Wanted to check in and say I'm feeling better. My foot is still sore but manageable and concrete plans are forming for moms future. I tour the first facility Friday. From there I'm going to push hard to get her moved. She's very much against it but the psychiatrist and doctor both agree, and both have told her to her face that she not only needs to move but is being selfish towards me. This is really good!
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Nov 25, 2021 12:20
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Shifty Nipples posted:I think that kind of thought too, when I was a teenager I spent most of my time alone in my room on the computer and here I am now alone in my room on the computer. I went through a period where I deliberately forced myself to go out and Socialize at public/group events on meetup.com. It wasn't bad, but it definitely felt more like work or class where I was trying to learn things than actually have fun. I have more social skills as a result but I don't seem to actually enjoy mass socializing, its just something I can do now. No man is an island but some of us are peninsulas.
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Nov 25, 2021 17:28
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Feeling down and drained, but pushing onward. Some days I can't achieve a higher level of thought. I feel like I have just enough self-awareness to recognize my lack of self-awareness that day. All I can do is try to be honest and genuine, because I just don't have the energy or ability to wear a mask while I'm like this. I went to a thanksgiving party with some family yesterday. Someone asked how I was doing, and I just said "I'm OK" in an unconvincing way. That's a loaded question, and I'm sure it's coming from a good place. I know there's a very low likelihood of them actually understanding how I'm doing, and a high likelihood of them questioning what I say. I'm tired of people expecting a detailed explanation of why I feel like poo poo, then scrutinizing my story to make sure it meets their standards. At least my family doesn't try to put a positive spin on bad poo poo. I know people who try to tell others that their trauma is all part of god's plan. gently caress that. I know I'm lucky to have a family that actually cares about me. I generally like them as people. My parents keep watching fox news, and that channel is getting a lot less subtle in their calls to violence. I don't even need to hear the words being spoken on that channel. Just hearing their aggressive tone and breathless rants sets me on edge. I'm wondering if I was actually manic a couple of months ago. My diagnosis is bipolar 2, which is only supposed to go up to hypomania. Mania is extreme, and each episode changes a person. I have never been that way before, and I definitely changed as a result. I'm going to tell myself it's because I worked through some stuff, and not because mania causes brain damage. I'm feeling bitter about the treatment I've received as a result of my mental illness. I know it's not apparent to most people just how much I struggle just to get through the day. People seem to take it personally when I can't be the person they want me to be. When I can't be sociable enough, some people just assume the worst. They think they've been wronged, and respond in-kind. Usually it's just criticism, sometimes it's put-downs, and rarely people will actually try to pick a fight with me. It usually catches me off-guard. I'm in my own world when I'm depressed, and barely aware of the people around me until someone starts giving me poo poo. I usually bounce back a bit, and start handling the bullshit better. I'm waiting for that to happen. Everyone else was in the holiday spirit yesterday. We celebrated the whitewashing of ongoing genocide. Afterward, everyone started singing Christmas songs. I was dealing with sensory overload, and couldn't get far enough away. People make me feel guilty for being antisocial if I don't want to participate. I have a hard time standing up to people, especially when I'm in a bad state of mind. I can't get my brain in gear to express my most obvious thoughts, much less handle a conflict. I try not to rock the boat, but I honestly don't have the patience to pretend to be okay with this poo poo any more. I'm thinking that might actually be a good thing. It's not quite assertiveness, but it'll do. EDIT: I feel like I'm making fewer excuses for the way I am, and making more sense of it. I think that's helpful. Uganda Loves Me has issued a correction as of 17:04 on Nov 26, 2021 |
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Nov 26, 2021 16:36
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Yeah, I had about an 80% identical experience, especiallyquote:I try not to rock the boat, but I honestly don't have the patience to pretend to be okay with this poo poo any more. I'm thinking that might actually be a good thing. It's not quite assertiveness, but it'll do. I've been getting in the faces of people who have disrespected me in a just-below-the-threshhold way for years and honestly, the results, one you get past the initial sturm und drang, have been universally good. People either changed, or hosed off, and I'm finally getting treated like I want to be. If its a side effect of the adderal, hell, I'll take it. These awful slow-boil abusive relationships would've continued indefinitely if I didn't stand up for myself. You can give people time to come around to not treating you terrible, but you are also allowed to put a reasonable timer on it. Also holy poo poo fox news is bringing out a ton of paid PoC to reassure old white racists why the incoming rahowa is not racist, way more than before. 
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Nov 26, 2021 19:05
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Thanks, you put that in a very clear and succinct manner. I have a hard time putting these ideas into words, and an even harder time finding anyone who will understand--much less relate--to them.
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Nov 26, 2021 20:29
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No problem. Its very frustrating when you realize the majority of resources for mental health patients is to keep us contained and not annoying to nuerotypicals, not actually helping us. Its more "shut the gently caress up and stop annoying others." People get pissed when confronted over that but breaking polite silence is more and more I've found the only way to get anything done.
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Nov 27, 2021 00:01
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Ronwayne posted:No problem. Its very frustrating when you realize the majority of resources for mental health patients is to keep us contained and not annoying to nuerotypicals, not actually helping us. Its more "shut the gently caress up and stop annoying others." Uh
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Nov 27, 2021 03:53
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That's what the majority of social rehabilitation and social training has been in my situation. Not stuff which actually makes the problem goes away but stuff that makes my symptoms less visible to others. There was no conspiracy or anything, but the whole goal was to "get me back to work" "train new skills for work" without even considering "should you be working at all?" So I basically took brain drugs and went to therapy and felt better and got another job and just tore the old wounds right open again and again and again until I broke.
Ronwayne has issued a correction as of 05:50 on Nov 27, 2021 |
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Nov 27, 2021 04:28
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Ronwayne posted:No problem. Its very frustrating when you realize the majority of resources for mental health patients is to keep us contained and not annoying to nuerotypicals, not actually helping us. Its more "shut the gently caress up and stop annoying others." 
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Nov 27, 2021 07:26
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Panic attacks back with a vengeance now. Almost daily. This time it was being told that despite the doctor loving up and not entering a prescription right into the system, my mom is just hosed and can't have any more antidepressants until Monday (and she ran out on Thursday) because lmao. Had a panic attack so bad after that i forgot where I was. Another today when I got told again by urgent care that nothing can be done. This one was at home and mom got scared and called my sister. My sister wanted to talk to me and I was even excited to hear a human voice that could maybe drag me back into reality. My sister then told me I should check into a mental hospital and hang up. So that's where I'm at with this now. Doctors won't help, my psychiatrist is so busy she can see me only once a month and my family has entirely abandoned me. Fun times. I have a house full of 40 years of clutter I have to start cleaning and I know I will absolutely have no help doing that whatsoever. Just keeps getting worse.
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Nov 28, 2021 04:27
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Ronwayne posted:That's what the majority of social rehabilitation and social training has been in my situation. Not stuff which actually makes the problem goes away but stuff that makes my symptoms less visible to others. There was no conspiracy or anything, but the whole goal was to "get me back to work" "train new skills for work" without even considering "should you be working at all?" So I basically took brain drugs and went to therapy and felt better and got another job and just tore the old wounds right open again and again and again until I broke. Not at all trying to discount your lovely experience but saying, in the cspam mental health thread, that mental health resources are primarily geared towards nutball containment and annoyance reduction is counterproductive and not broadly true. E: I think most people use "getting back to work" as a substitute for "being well" because America is a capitalist death cult where making someone else's profit is a virtue, but the meaning is essentially that you'd be independent and able to sustain a decent quality of life. You're not wrong to bristle at the conflation of those ideas but if that reaction becomes an obstacle to accessing mental health resources it's important to at least recognize it for what it is. CaptainACAB posted:Fun times. I have a house full of 40 years of clutter I have to start cleaning and I know I will absolutely have no help doing that whatsoever. Hire someone to help using your mom's money or walk away. You've gotta put on your own oxygen mask before you assist others with theirs. Your sister sounds like a rear end in a top hat. Do you think you might be using your mom's issues to avoid focusing on your own situation in some respect? I did that with my mom before I moved out. Jorge Bell has issued a correction as of 15:35 on Nov 28, 2021 |
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Nov 28, 2021 15:28
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OK, I am about to ask possibly the world's dumbest question. One so dumb I dare not ask anyone not even my therapist. I hate being criticized because I seem to have this notion that at a certain age, everyone no longer "corrects" you. No one tells you things like (and all these were things I heard today) "that phone mark on your jeans looks ugly" "you look fat" "have you cleaned your house yet?", etc. I get it. I'm a loving manchild. But at the same time do I have unrealistic expectations? I have never seen anyone criticize my parents or my older brother. I want that. I want to reach a point where no one criticizes me ever again. I want all my actions to be beyond reproach by everyone. Other than me becoming a top-level executive or politician, someone with the kind of responsibility to destroy or save lives, I have reached a "functional life". Does that happen? Is that something I should strive for? Or am I just letting what people think control my life? Because in the latter case, if I only care about myself, my own opinion, what makes me different from all the bastards ruining the world who "do their own research" and believe the reality they wish to live? I want an objective reality to follow. I want the checklist that I must check off to become a good person.
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Nov 28, 2021 19:57
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AceOfFlames posted:OK, I am about to ask possibly the world's dumbest question. One so dumb I dare not ask anyone not even my therapist. It sounds like they don't respect you. My assertiveness fluctuates based on the way I feel, and I see a marked difference in the way people treat me when I can stand up for myself. Even otherwise "nice" people will go after a target that doesn't fight back. It's gross, and way too common. If they wanted to help, they would have framed their comments in a helpful manner, offered help, or--better yet--kept it to themselves. Some people won't treat you with respect until they realize there are consequences for not doing so.
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Nov 28, 2021 20:46
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Why wouldn't you ask your therapist that question? Seems like a good question for them
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Nov 28, 2021 20:48
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Jorge Bell posted:Not at all trying to discount your lovely experience but saying, in the cspam mental health thread, that mental health resources are primarily geared towards nutball containment and annoyance reduction is counterproductive and not broadly true. I get what you're saying, but sorry, I think neurotypicals need to have a lot more pressure put on them compared to all the pressure we are under to "fit in". If someone is in a wheelchair, you can build a ramp, give them an elevated desk, etc. Its just material things you can add, but when someone has a mood disorder, to some extent all the other employees and bosses there are going to need to accommodate the neuro-atypical person, who, from their perspective, is doing constant unwitting micro-agressions against everyone else there. An atypical person has to try to fit in there as well, but in my experience, it's pretty much a one way street. It might not be intentional, but de facto it is containment and harassment to be quiet and stop being a "problem". Just as we need to learn about how to function in society, others need to learn to understand us more, and while its getting better (the R-slur is passing out of use in some places), its got a ways to go, especially with climate change/eugenics and etc probably gearing up for another Aktion T-4 thing. How am I supposed to react to stuff like my previous boss telling me "Hey Ronwayne, I was in a meeting with the directors and they told me "Hey, that guy does good work, but he's so weird, what's wrong with him?" so keep that in mind." And he refused to elaborate, and I think the directors did as well, any of the behavior they found weird. Later on he just escalated to, just yell outright "What is wrong with you? Were you raised in a bubble or something?" He was a more extreme case, but more or less all the places I've worked at had had something like that happen to me at one point or another. I've been in therapy and getting mood stabilizers for over 12 years now, I know when you get concerned about someone, you communicate to folks in this thread when you think they're being dysfunctional and not getting professional help, but this is a case of me getting therapy and treatment and keep being subjected to that wall over and over again, even when I change therapists, doctors, and providers. And just a small thing, hoss, please, can you stop using 'nutball'? I know you're not intending to be hostile, but sometimes i can come across as such. AceOfFlames posted:OK, I am about to ask possibly the world's dumbest question. One so dumb I dare not ask anyone not even my therapist. These two especially quote:"that phone mark on your jeans looks ugly" "you look fat" Whoever said that can gently caress right off. Its probably not their fault, way too many people think control and caring about someone are the same thing. The only ones I'd keep in mind would be things related to cleanliness, hygiene, and legal/physical/medical safety issues, things outside that you are not obligated to care. If they had phrased it as "we're worried about you're health, we've noticed *insert symptoms here", that would be a useful thing you could act on. Weirdly, I've found a lot of what you want when I fell out of the workforce and became semi-homeless. Once my priorities were changed, and the only people I talked to were store clerks and doctors/therapists/clinic staff, a lot of the bullshit of society just melted away. Don't get me wrong it still sucks, but it sucks a lot less than when I was trying to keep it together to fit in at work. Life got a lot easier when my life just became about staying clean, getting 2000 calories of non-rotten/poisonous food a day, keeping the car running, and going to doctor/therapist/disability people meetings. Despite being on the margins of society, and quite frankly, being closer to wasting away and dying than I ever have, I feel I have more personal agency than I ever have had before*. No more higher education/401ks/career planning & development/office politics/etc , just basic animal needs and trying to keep as free as I can and help those I care about when I can. I'm not saying do exactly what I did, what I am saying is ask yourself what exactly you want out of interactions with people, ask for it, and if you are able to, cut ties with them if they refuse to treat you as you want to be treated. *if only in the "Freedom's just another word for nothing left to lose" sense. Except I'm aware that the American penal system has many fates worse than death so I try to avoid problems there. Ronwayne has issued a correction as of 21:28 on Nov 28, 2021 |
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Nov 28, 2021 21:02
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AceOfFlames posted:OK, I am about to ask possibly the world's dumbest question. One so dumb I dare not ask anyone not even my therapist. What I've noticed (from experience) is that a lot of folks will just project when they extend comments like this. That "checklist" you mentioned is a thinking trap I fall into very often. I have to remember that it's all about quality and not quantity. Sometimes, I'm only going to be able to reach out or see how ONE person is doing during the week, but I do try to make the best of it.
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Nov 30, 2021 00:56
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Ronwayne posted:I get what you're saying, but sorry, I think neurotypicals need to have a lot more pressure put on them compared to all the pressure we are under to "fit in". If someone is in a wheelchair, you can build a ramp, give them an elevated desk, etc. Its just material things you can add, but when someone has a mood disorder, to some extent all the other employees and bosses there are going to need to accommodate the neuro-atypical person, who, from their perspective, is doing constant unwitting micro-agressions against everyone else there. An atypical person has to try to fit in there as well, but in my experience, it's pretty much a one way street. It might not be intentional, but de facto it is containment and harassment to be quiet and stop being a "problem". Just as we need to learn about how to function in society, others need to learn to understand us more, and while its getting better (the R-slur is passing out of use in some places), its got a ways to go, especially with climate change/eugenics and etc probably gearing up for another Aktion T-4 thing. Having mental illness isn't being neuro-atypical in the way that term is commonly used (ie for ppl with assburgers, autism, or developmental disorders). I wasn't talking about any of those things, which you're correct on all accounts for, because "mental health resources" is a term I (and most ppl) read to mean therapists, inpatient crisis centers, wellness stuff, etc. The things I just mentioned are absolutely not used to shut up or force conformity on people seeking treatment, and saying that they are is really loving stupid and could lead people to believe that not seeking treatment is a good idea. You seem to be talking about resources for people on the autistic spectrum or something similar where, yes, the goal is probably smooth assimilation into "normal society" (whatever the gently caress that might mean to the person running it). I have no experience with or reason to doubt your read on that stuff, it sounds hosed up. Your old boss sounds like a rear end in a top hat. Ronwayne posted:And just a small thing, hoss, please, can you stop using 'nutball'? I know you're not intending to be hostile, but sometimes i can come across as such. Ok hoss
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Nov 30, 2021 04:29
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Thanks. And re: quote:Having mental illness isn't being neuro-atypical in the way that term is commonly used (ie for ppl with assburgers, autism, or developmental disorders). I wasn't talking about any of those things, which you're correct on all accounts for, because "mental health resources" is a term I (and most ppl) read to mean therapists, inpatient crisis centers, wellness stuff, etc. Gotcha, I was referring to the 1-2 whammy of being mentally ill and having those at the same time. 
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Nov 30, 2021 07:50
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re: Whatever chat: Navigating the mental health and physical health world sucks rear end right now. i know someone high up in an insurance org as a head internist/enterologist and when he got sick and had to navigate his own insurance company and it was so difficult he gave up and went out of pocket. and he has a ton of money and time and energy and can advocate for himself. Now he sees how hard it is for everyone else. imagine doing any of that without what he has......its very difficult but but It is possible, not easy, but possible, to find services and people who will work on your behalf instead of the behalf of the culture of capitalism (sow you up just enough to get back to work because thats the only way that clinician can conceptualize health). i had a client who was particularly capitalism-brained and said once "u just don't want me to work!" and i said "man i dont want anyone to work" in mental health there is a philosophy of, "okay this person says they want to work on this thing, I'll help them do that." then at some point when there is no improvement naturally you move from Mitigation to Management. such as, "im depressed or bipolar or w/e", then moves to "okay I can't mitigate or fix it so now I'll just life with it and manage it." but the thing is, knowing when to move from one to the other is where decades of experience as a professional comes into play. and heres the saucy part: i have yet to meet a single client who knows when to move from Mitigation to Management, who knows when acceptance is needed and when decalcification is needed. not one - MYSELF INCLUDED. because it isn't possible to do on your own, the brain wasn't designed to be able to do that. you need an outside perspective. and the kicker is its not a unidirectional process! it's very fluid you may find yourself in the management/acceptance area but as a person grows and improves other areas of their life, mind, and body, suddenly fixing that original issue isn't off limits anymore. and...well...if the clinican is either a) lovely at their job or b) a lib, navigating that spectrum is going to be basically impossible, which is why i brought up how important it is to find people and services that fit with you thehandtruck has issued a correction as of 10:10 on Nov 30, 2021 |
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Nov 30, 2021 09:22
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So what you're saying, thehandtruck, is that therapy is... good?
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Nov 30, 2021 09:51
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While I get the animosity towards capitalism, I don't get the animosity towards mental health services wanting to make you able to function under it. That's the society we have, so what value would there be in trying to help you live a fulfilling life in any other type of society? Seeing how lovely and precarious the social safety net is it would be negligent to keep your patients reliant on it. If anything, my main complaint is that mental health services seem ineffective at getting people plugged back into the matrix.
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Nov 30, 2021 10:41
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Because if you are damaging yourself over and over and over again with a cycle of trying to fit in under it, no one is asking the question "Should you work at all" and "even in this hell world you might be better off just falling out of the workforce.". I have been hurt over and over and over by trying to "function" in a capitalist society that I finally couldn't even move, or stop suicidal ideation for even a day. I am worse off for having even tried to function in this awful society. I am more permanently injured than I would have been if I had just stopped and gotten disability earlier. Parts of my mind are damaged past the point of functionality, I am able to do far less, day to day, than I ever have. It was negligent after the third, fourth, fifth mental breakdown and job loss to keep saying I should just try to retrain and get back to work. All those friends and parents who were saying "  we're so proud of you for getting up and trying again!" were, despite their best intentions, encouraging me to hurt myself. At some point you just have to have a discussion to figure out how you're going to live without working, in those exact words. As awful as it is going through this lovely hell system of doctor's appointments, caseworker meetings, and counseling, is less traumatizing than day-in day-out showing up to work and being expected to perform. Even worse is being expected to look busy and perform "work theater", which I am not able to do, which has caused authority figures to zoom in on me because I cannot just fit in and look like part of the background. There are hard limits to "fake it until you make it", and when you have severe developmental disabilities on top of mental illnesses, you never become the thing you're pretending to be (i.e. an adult that can function in a workplace). All there was at the end of it was pain and wanting to die. Perhaps worst of all, the time I kept sticking to a job no matter the pain and me crying in the restroom/supply closet and/or going out into the parking lot to scream inside my car ultimately are hurting me in my disability case because they see "oh, you were able to keep this job for longer than a year, you have some skills" And then the judge denied my first case appeal because he found I could work as a "part time, heavily supervised photocopy machine operator or hand packager." This is where the animosity, more like rage, comes from (not towards y'all but to folks who, after I relate this sordid tale, say "Well, you need to try again anyways"). To accommodate me, a job is going to need not to expect me to show up on time, not expect me to perform, and not really do anything besides send paychecks to me, and at that point, its easier to just find ways to just sit there and turn food into poo poo and not waste my time or that of an employers. "getting people plugged back into the matrix." is another way of saying they are loving KILLING PEOPLE LIKE ME. The refusal to even begin to seriously investigate what options are now ("There aren't any!" no, piss off) that work is not one of them destroyed what was left of my life, and I lost critical time I could have used to do productive things to ensure my survival (of which work is not one). I can't take any program to get people back into the workforce in good faith unless there is specific identification and help for getting people OUT of the workforce who will only hurt themselves by continuing to try to survive in that context and onto disability and other options. I apologize if the above post comes across as unnecessarily confrontational, but I really really feel deeply about this issue as it has consumed my entire life. Ronwayne has issued a correction as of 16:15 on Nov 30, 2021 |
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Nov 30, 2021 10:53
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thotsky posted:That's the society we have, so what value would there be in trying to help you live a fulfilling life in any other type of society? for sure, you have to be realistic. it's all well and good to have nice thoughts but at the end of the day you gotta pay rent and pay for food etc. The solution is to bring awareness to how the culture of work and capitalism invades the rest of your life. Imagine a person spends 30 years in the rat race, where everything interaction is a transaction, they bring that home with them to their spouses and kids. It causes issues. it changes their thinking. they are depressed and don't know why. that's more what i mean. i have a client right now who worked 5 days a week and his kids complained he worked too much. he was so stressed out from not knowing what to do he got another job to work weekends, because that is the only solution capitalism says there is, work more to solve every issue. that at consuming. Thats my position anyway. some other posters are obviously less in agreement with all that also, more directly to your question: there are people who have the means to pick up and move to a compound in the woods with 15 other people. they dont escape our society fully but they get pretty drat close. i have seen people do it and be happy, so there is value in helping people obtain awareness
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Nov 30, 2021 17:01
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I know I'm not thinking as clearly as I could right now. This conversation legitimately stresses me out, so I've purposefully only skimmed it. I usually read everything, and re-read it if I'm going to reply. As far as I can tell, everyone's coming from a good place. I appreciate that. I don't want to put words in anyone's mouth, so I'll just share what I think. If it's relevant to what's been said, cool. I've personally been helped quite a bit by the mental health establishment. I've met a lot of people who genuinely wanted to help me. They put in a lot of work to do so, and many of them did it without any expectation of commensurate pay. I looked into social work, and I really respect anyone who follows through on that path. I've been very critical of the mental health establishment recently, too. I had a crummy therapist that I fired. My current psychiatric nurse practitioner doesn't seem to understand that my medication is causing severe dehydration. It was causing vertigo before I saw my general practitioner and figured out what was really happening. I "fired" her, but I'm still seeing her for medication management. She's a nice person and has helped me quite a bit over the years. I had planned on switching over to county services, but from my experience and the feedback of others, they don't sound any better. I disagree with some of her assessments from the last time we met. It takes me time to process things, especially when I'm not in a good frame of mind. I agreed with something she said, without thinking through what she was implying. She seemed to imply that increasing my ssri from 20mg to 40mg induced mania. However, I was already in that state at 20mg. I'll write down my thoughts and talk to her about it next time. We're decreasing the SSRI, and increasing my mood stabilizer. I've had mixed experiences with various mental health professionals. Some people seem to completely lack empathy, and I have no idea why they're even in the field. Maybe they had a personal experience that made them interested in it? When you see a psychiatrist or psychologist, you're giving them the power to alter the way you think and feel. That's scary, and it's the subject of more than a few horror novels/movies/shows. I've had some people who I really "clicked" with, and they made me feel like I have value. They brought me closer to stability. I've had some mediocre people try to help me, and they made me feel like I had to prove that I had value. My last therapist was this way. She flat-out told me that the work I do for my parents is "only manual labor," and therefore not very valuable. I've been working hard at my local NAMI chapter to help get things in order, and to try and reach out to fellow peers. I think that has value, even if I don't get paid. That doesn't seem to count as anything to many people. When people dismiss my attempts to make things a bit less lovely, that cuts right to the bone. I like the term "work theater," Ronwayne. I think that perfectly summarizes this problem. None of this is about doing something useful and productive. It's all about putting on a show to convince people that you're doing something of value, and therefore you have value. Struggling with mental illness is work. If we weren't working at that, we wouldn't still be alive. I had one seriously harmful therapist, who I've mentioned before. I was researching my medication's side-effects to figure out why I was only sleeping 2-3 hours a night. I was barely functional, and had trouble getting out sentences. I was trying to explain that I had figured out what was causing the problem, and that I was switching medications to rectify it. He wouldn't even let me complete a single sentence. He kept interrupting me, sneering at me, and criticizing me. He assumed that I was making up problems, and told me "it doesn't sound like you want to get better." I tried to hang myself that night. I was in the noose, getting tunnel vision, when I realized that I did really want to get better. I got out of it. It's so loving soul-crushing to have someone dismiss your efforts. It's even harder when it's a mental health professional, who you have handed so much power over to. In my ideal world, we would already have our basic needs taken care of. Everyone would already have the social services they need to get by, and wouldn't have to prove that they actually need food, shelter, clean water, healthcare, physical safety etc. to receive it. In the US, there are too many gatekeepers between people and those services. It seems like many people see themselves as self-appointed defenders of the state's purse-strings, and will do what they can to prevent you from receiving help. There are all kinds of punishments for people who receive help when the state determines that they don't "need" it. So-called welfare fraud can be prosecuted as a felony. I don't know of any repercussions for people who willfully prevent you from accessing the services you need and are legally entitled to. I can't come up with any more perfect example of what's wrong with the system than that. I know I keep mentioning peer support, and I'm going to play the broken record one more time. I think there are useful services and good mental health practitioners out there. It can be hard to identify them, and even harder to access them. It's immensely helpful to have people you can run things by. It took a whole thread of people telling me that my therapist is an rear end in a top hat for me to realize it. The system is hard to navigate, and I think it's that way by design. The state saves money on social services when people give up. Insurance companies save money on healthcare treatment when people give up. This leads to really loving expensive emergency services being used, but that's someone else's department right? I'm not convinced that anyone in favor of austerity actually gives a poo poo about a balanced budget. They just want to deny any help to people they see as undeserving. I think a lot of people subscribe to this idea to some degree, including many of the conservatives I encounter at NAMI and many other local non-profits. Navigating mental health care services and social services in America is difficult, but there are ways to make it a little more manageable. Having a social worker on your side is incredibly helpful. I had that once, and she really turned things around for me. I know that most of us won't have that advantage, though. Having a support system is incredibly useful. Friends, family, support group members, or even fellow shitposters can help you continue to fight. There are ready-made support systems to tap into, such as NAMI. I encourage people to seek out that support, even if it means...  ing
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Nov 30, 2021 17:48
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Uganda Loves Me posted:I had one seriously harmful therapist, who I've mentioned before. I was researching my medication's side-effects to figure out why I was only sleeping 2-3 hours a night. I was barely functional, and had trouble getting out sentences. I was trying to explain that I had figured out what was causing the problem, and that I was switching medications to rectify it. He wouldn't even let me complete a single sentence. He kept interrupting me, sneering at me, and criticizing me. He assumed that I was making up problems, and told me "it doesn't sound like you want to get better." I tried to hang myself that night. I was in the noose, getting tunnel vision, when I realized that I did really want to get better. I got out of it. It's so loving soul-crushing to have someone dismiss your efforts. It's even harder when it's a mental health professional, who you have handed so much power over to. This absolutely sucks. I wish the idea of therapy being a custom-fit to your needs and communication style was a more known thing, to avoid exactly situations like this. I feel like a lot of people get an off-the-rack experience and then either dismiss it or form really negative associations (myself included). After a bad experience, even knowing that therapy is The Correct Move and A Good Step it can be hard to pursue.
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Nov 30, 2021 19:47
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yoooo I'm having a bout of intense anxiety about signing a lease in this lovely desert town I moved to, I think things will be okay and I can afford it but it feels very uh constricting after living in a hotel for the past 3 months knowing I could just drive away if I go insane.
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Nov 30, 2021 20:02
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Thanks for the feedback. I tend to write what happened in a detached manner, and sometimes the seriousness of it doesn't sink in until I hear someone respond. I've seen a lot of good contributions to this thread recently, and it makes me feel warm and fuzzy. A friend at NAMI has been working his way through a book on stoicism, and I kept pestering him with questions about the subject. I remember hearing about it in a humanities class years ago, and the concept stuck with me. He went ahead and bought me a copy of the book so we can discuss it. It's a workbook with a weekly lesson plan for 52 weeks. We'll see if I can stick with it. He managed to make it 8 weeks in, and if we both work on it we can probably do it. I like philosophy, and have been interested in stoicism. I'm not saying I agree or disagree with it. I'd like to understand it and take what I can. Jorge Bell posted:yoooo I'm having a bout of intense anxiety about signing a lease in this lovely desert town I moved to, I think things will be okay and I can afford it but it feels very uh constricting after living in a hotel for the past 3 months knowing I could just drive away if I go insane. That sounds like a stressful change. The more I think about a big change like that, the more stressed I get. It becomes harder to evaluate whether or not I made the right decision or not. I find a bit of comfort in the thought that these changes are usually the product of a lot of previous consideration. I also remember that everything is a risk, and there often isn't a right choice. Sometimes it's fun to do things just to see how they play out, too.
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Nov 30, 2021 20:53
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I've been feeling like poo poo (and relapsed into xanax again) cuz I have this feeling that I blew it. Everything. I feel like everyone's lives but mine are so rich with relationships and experiences but I just missed the boat on all of that and I'm entering adulthood with no youthful memories (at least the memories my xanax addiction didn't destroy) and no enriching experiences. All my relationships have been jokes, people are legit scared of me I think whenever I tell them about my addiction even when I was sober, so I don't feel like it matters really whether I'm sober or not. I've tried my best but alas, as Brian Wilson said, I guess I just wasn't made for these times.
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Dec 1, 2021 20:02
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Chuka Umana posted:I've been feeling like poo poo (and relapsed into xanax again) cuz I have this feeling that I blew it. Everything. I feel like everyone's lives but mine are so rich with relationships and experiences but I just missed the boat on all of that and I'm entering adulthood with no youthful memories (at least the memories my xanax addiction didn't destroy) and no enriching experiences. All my relationships have been jokes, people are legit scared of me I think whenever I tell them about my addiction even when I was sober, so I don't feel like it matters really whether I'm sober or not. I've tried my best but alas, as Brian Wilson said, I guess I just wasn't made for these times. that sounds really heavy my goon. addiction is powerful and you have been laid low. i wish you well.
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Dec 1, 2021 20:59
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everything is excellent hahahahaha. lmao. couldn't be better lol today was GREAT, i tell ya
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Dec 2, 2021 00:09
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The Year of the Plague has given me some amount of either agoraphobia or office-specific phobia. Kind of sucks as BEFORE I was a very open extrovert and that was both important to me surviving work and just my self identity. I think I'm still pretty extroverted but at work I'm just shrinking and panicking all the time. None of my work needs me to be in person, save that my highest level boss is mad about people eating at home and not near the office. I've got a reasonable accommodation request to allow remote work in but they've blown all their deadlines and now the union is involved. Really just posting because my brain feels like it's melting and I'm frustrated. All of that is background to my therapist being mostly good but has a frustrating tic that he thinks this is a germphobia. I'm... not really that scared of illness. It's the lack of control over my environment and sensory over load and being in physical proximity to people who I don't trust for so many hours a day (some of my coworkers have repeatedly snitched to management about stuff like union activities, so they've pretty clearly demonstrated which side they're on). At least those are the elements that feel very awful to me. It's a reasonable guess I just am a bit frustrated at explaining multiple times. Aside, what's the difference between management and mitigation? I only really know those terms (in such proximity to each other) from emergency management, where mitigation is a tactic inside management rather than a separate strategy.
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Dec 2, 2021 15:43
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I think you have something similar to mine where I just got frustrated at the overwhelming bullshit of the situation. Most work cultures I've been a part of were full of just arbitrary powertripping to feel in charge, and seeing power just bullying and pressuring people to back to going back to the office and pretend its 2019 is really depressing.
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Dec 2, 2021 16:40
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Office work is the worst; people just aren't built for that life, it makes your body go poo poo unless you work out like you live on the ISS. Not to mention thrashing your calm; and ability to stay calm.
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Dec 2, 2021 18:14
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I broke my phone yesterday. I remember a time when replacing a battery just involved opening the phone, pulling the old battery out, and putting the new battery in. This involved repeated use of a heat gun and isopropyl alcohol to break down the ridiculous amount of adhesive, a tiny screwdriver to remove 14 tiny screws, and a puzzle of pieces and tiny plugs that all had to be taken apart and put together in the right order. I managed to replace the battery, and the phone worked fine for a 2 hour call with a peer. The screen progressively dimmed through the day, and now it won't display anything. I don't think I let the isopropyl alcohol dry thoroughly enough before using it  This phone was already charity from my brother, so I'll be switching to an even older one I had laying around. I don't need the latest and greatest, but it's frustrating that old versions of Android don't seem to work with newer programs. I may try the old battery and make sure all of the connections are put together correctly. I put an awful lot of time and effort into breaking my phone. My mom is upgrading to a new phone soon, and I may be able to get her old one. Her current one has issues, but I think it might be the battery. Hopefully I can use my newfound mastery of the obvious to not break that phone too. I rationally know that I'll get it sorted out, but it's still bumming me out quite a bit. We have a member at my local NAMI chapter who is right out of the GBS rejected parents thread. She's an older woman with four adult children who all  ed with her. We have 3 facilitators including me, and she was already a facilitator when I joined. If it was up to me, I wouldn't have approved her to become a facilitator. A welcoming environment like that can be a double-edged sword. Everyone's welcome, which lets toxic people worm their way in. I don't think it's to the point where I want to try to oust her, but I'm concerned she might be driving good people away. She goes through phases where she is nice, then phases where she is mean. I gave her another chance and let her get close to me when she was being nicer. She started laying into me again. The last straw was when she compared me to her children. I flat-out told her that I didn't appreciate the way she was talking to me.I don't know if anyone here has read the rejected parents thread, but every rejected parent seems to follow the same pattern. They complain about the awful things their children did, which usually involve boundary-setting. They ignore the way they treated their children, while keeping a running tally of things they did "for" them and the things their children did "to" them. Every relationship is transactional. This person told me that she thinks me as her son. The feeling is most certainly not mutual. I've been trying to set boundaries and distance myself from her. She had a thanksgiving party for our NAMI group, and most of them went. I'm the only vegetarian in the group. She kept loudly telling everyone about the vegetarian food she was getting for me. I didn't express interest in the event, and I didn't sign the signup sheet she kept passing around. It seemed like she was trying to make me feel pressured and obligated into going. I told her I wasn't going to make it, and she demanded why in front of everyone. I made some half-assed excuse about needing to do some work for my parents. I had an incredibly toxic "friendship" with someone like that. They made all kinds of demands, and heavily implied that they would end the friendship if I didn't go along. It'd be embarrassing to list all the stuff I did for them to keep the "friendship" going. I tried to set boundaries, which they repeatedly ignored. When I finally stopped playing that game, they sent me a nasty text message and blocked me on every platform we shared. They basically did what they wanted, and tried to convince me that they did it "for" me. They lectured me about "reciprocation," implying I needed to pay them back for their actions. I rationally knew it was wrong, and I know that I'm better off without them in my life. That was pretty much the only person I ever put my full trust in. They used me when they were in crisis, and discarded me when I needed help. Two years later, it's still hard to shake the criticism and guilt trips. I see similar patterns emerging, and I'm going to put a stop to it before it reaches that point. When someone shows interest in being around me, it's really loving hard not to be suspicious. I'm just bracing myself for the next ultimatum or lecture. I'm doing my best to identify people who are worth getting close to. I like to think I've learned something from these experiences. I've found some awesome friends through NAMI. I think I can rationally figure out who is worth trusting and who is not, but shaking that fear is a challenge.
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Dec 2, 2021 21:19
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Tulip posted:Aside, what's the difference between management and mitigation? I only really know those terms (in such proximity to each other) from emergency management, where mitigation is a tactic inside management rather than a separate strategy. I think in this case mitigation is read as directly addressing whatever disorder is affecting you, while management is dealing with the symptoms to reduce their impact in your life. i.e. if you find yourself in lovely thought patterns that give you anxiety and make it hard to make decisions, mitigation is resolving those intrusive thoughts and getting to a point where you're not having them, while management would be learning techniques to get yourself back on track when they do pop up. As an aside your coworkers sound like they suck rear end. At my last job when I overheard some dude saying "africans have africa, why can't white people have america" I just started introducing him to people as the office NAZI. That didn't change anything but it made me feel better.
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Dec 3, 2021 02:52
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Tulip posted:Aside, what's the difference between management and mitigation? I only really know those terms (in such proximity to each other) from emergency management, where mitigation is a tactic inside management rather than a separate strategy. the jist of it is if you get your leg broken in a factory accident you go to the doctor and he tries to fix the leg. maybe that process takes a few years. there's some improvement, they try different things, but eventually the doctor realizes, okay, there's nothing left to try. now it's time to adjust your life with a lovely leg. you start thinking about how you have to adjust your house, your exercise routine, etc. you've now moved to not trying to fix the issue to just simply living with it and managing it for the rest of your life. same thing exists with mental health and mental wounds. the point of my post was people (again, including me) are unable to know when to move from the fixing part to the managing part without an outside perspective. "no, no im just depressed, i cant be helped, don't even try, i know my body, i know my life, ive been to every doctor, i traveled back in time and talked to plato and freud and Best Doctor and Best Neurologist and even they couldnt help me, my problems are too unique, im too unique, im too smart to fix, too depressed, it's mental, it's biological, don't you know?" that person has moved too quickly from fixing or changing to management, "well i just have to learn live with it now." it doesnt mean some people don't need to move to that stage with mental health issues at some point, my point solely is that it's extremely common to go to that end of the spectrum prematurely, and to misunderstand that it isn't a one way street, you can move back and forth throughout your life
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Dec 3, 2021 17:47
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Jorge Bell posted:As an aside your coworkers sound like they suck rear end. At my last job when I overheard some dude saying "africans have africa, why can't white people have america" I just started introducing him to people as the office NAZI. That didn't change anything but it made me feel better. I've always worked in labor so conversations like this are disturbingly common; but I used to loved talking to them about it cause I found most of the time they just have a poo poo hot take that they had never considered from any other angles. I don't know that I convinced anyone to think differently but I like to think I helped some people understand the way they seem to others. -Tangent- My favorite one was the "How much $ is enough for you to suck a dick?" [as a straight cis man], most people are almost afraid to set a number; as though a limo will screech to a halt with a gay millionaire hanging out the window yelling "DEAL", not to mention its a thing most people literally expect from their partners that they would not do for any amount of money.
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Dec 3, 2021 17:55
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