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Jim pushes Dwight down the stairs.
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Nov 30, 2021 05:00
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| # ? May 14, 2024 15:47 |
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Jim constructs a labyrinth underneath Dunder Mifflin and traps Dwight in it.
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Nov 30, 2021 08:57
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Chips glares at Little Champion across the office. The tension is palpable.
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Nov 30, 2021 14:35
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A reporter for the Scranton Times shows up at Schrute Farms and knocks on the door. Angela, now in her late 60s, opens the door. "Ma'am, I'm sorry to intrude. But I'm a reporter and I thought I might speak with you. You know, with it being the anniversary and all. Since you knew him better than anyone." Angela hesitates for a moment, then motions for the man to come inside. "Coffee? Tea? Beet juice?" she says, kindly. "Dwight left behind quite a variety of beets, you know. Why, one of them taste like the finest sparkling wine you could imagine." "Just coffee is fine, thank you. Listen, I'm sorry if this seems blunt, but I was hoping to learn a little more about Dwight. Who he was, how he came to be, and..." "And how he died?" adds Angela, pouring a cup of coffee. "I thought that was pretty common knowledge at this point." Angela hands the reporter a cup of coffee, then pours herself a glass of beet juice and sits down on the living room couch. The room is immaculate. Several pictures of Angela and Dwight adorn the walls, and various keepsakes cover every shelf. The reporter also notices pictures of another man with Angela. Including one with Angela in a wedding dress. He catches himself staring. "My husband. Third, actually. I was married to a State Senator before Dwight," Angela takes a sip of her beet juice. "and before you ask, my husband is fine with me having been married to Dwight." "Sorry, I didn't mean to imply anything. It's just that..." "He's a tough act to follow?" A deep voice comes bellowing from the staircase. A blonde, muscular man with streaks of grey in his beard walks down the steps. He's carrying an unfinished wooden chair in one arm and a jar of stain in the other. "Sorry to butt in, folks, just passing through! I'm Calvin, by the way, nice to meet you." Calvin and Angela share a quick kiss and Calvin shakes hands with the reporter before heading outside to stain his chair. Angela watches him and waves as he closes the door behind him, then turns her attention back on the reporter. "Dwight's been gone for 15 years now. 15 years today. Calvin... Calvin was there when I needed him. We have a good life, and I hope whatever article you're writing here isn't designed to upset that." "No no no, please, this is a celebration of Dwight. He... he saved my life once. I was swimming too far out in Lake Scranton, my parents weren't paying attention and I went under. I blacked out but the next thing I knew, Dwight was pulling me onto the shore. He'd been delivering presents to the orphanage and happened to see me go under. The uh... the weird thing was his clothes were dry when he got me on the shore. Like he'd never touched the water somehow. I was hoping, just maybe, you could explain that. The things like that, I mean." "Dwight was, well, a lot of things," Angela offers the reporter another cup of coffee, which he declines. "And that gets more complicated as time goes on. That statue of him in front of Town Hall? They asked me what I wanted the inscription to say. I had no idea, it was like asking someone to summarize a thousand years of history in one sentence. But you've read the inscription, right?" "To Dwight, our greatest friend." "That's it. Would you believe Calvin came up with that? I completely blanked, not a single idea seemed right. But that worked. It was to the point, it was beautiful. It was... Dwight." "Listen, I don't want to keep you for too long. And I don't want to offend you, so I can leave right now if you want. But can you tell me about the day he died? I mean, we've all read the accounts, but you were there. You, Dwight, and..." "And Jim. Yes. Looking back, I think Dwight knew something was going to happen. Jim had been getting more erratic with his pranks. Sometimes he'd prank Toby or Creed. One time we found him pranking a bunch of squirrels in the yard. So nobody was THAT surprised when Pam explained that he had a brain tumor. One that was going to kill him. A side effect of the time he stole a bunch of nuclear waste and tried to put it in Dwight's coffee. Jim took a leave of absence from work but his pranks kept coming. And then came the night he took over every TV station in Scranton." "Halpert's Night. I was 10 years old and I remember my parents both being terrified. Jim was on the television for hours, talking about the secret lives of everyone in Scranton. Turning neighbor against neighbor, husband against wife. I thought it was the end of the world." "Jim knew he was going to die. He was a true psychopath by that point, maybe he always had been. But by that point he thought a world without him wasn't a world that deserved to exist. Dwight and I were working at the soup kitchen when the broadcast started. And I remember Dwight pouring one last bowl of wedding soup, setting down the ladle, and then walking towards the door. He told me he had to stop this, and I rushed over to him. I asked why it always had to be him, why someone else couldn't handle Jim. And Dwight held me close, kissed me, and said that he'd be back in time to serve dessert. But, of course, he never came back." "I'm sorry. We all loved him so much and we barely knew him. I can't imagine what it was like for you." "I watched him stride across the parking lot and bring his fingers to his lips to whistle. Little Champion glided down. Of course, by that time he wasn't really 'little' any more. Dwight climbed onto his back and they took off into the air towards the TV station. And that was the last time I ever saw Dwight. I watched the footage like everyone else. Jim, covered in flames, bursting out of that warehouse. Dwight racing to stop him. And then, the explosion that took both of them. But nobody else was hurt, can you believe it? Not a single soul. They told me later that Dwight must have disarmed thousands of bombs, but nobody knows how he could have pulled it off. But that was Dwight, mysterious to the end." They both sit in silence for a moment until the clinking of an ice cube in her beet juice stirs Angela from her memories. She again offers the reporter a refresh of his coffee, but he just sits there. "Little Champion flew around the city for days, searching for Dwight. I think that was the saddest part for me. I knew Dwight was dead, they brought me his remains. But Little Champion kept hoping he survived somehow. We had a private funeral a little bit after that, and Champion settled near Dwight's headstone and silently stood guard for a long time." "And Jim? I heard that they were never totally able to identify his remains. Have you ever worried that he might come back?" "No. At the end, Jim was driven by something deep and twisted, something that he attributed to Dwight. I think Dwight knew that, too. I think it hurt him a lot, to realize that Jim's evil was somehow inspired by him. Of course, that's not true, but Dwight always had a big heart and took on more responsibility than he should have. But Jim, whatever he was in the end, is dead. He has no reason to exist without Dwight." The reporter thanks Angela for her time and steps outside. As he's leaving, Calvin catches up to him. "Sorry to bother you, but I do have one little request. When you write this article, IF you write this article, don't make Angela out to be someone who's moved on from Dwight. You don't even have to mention me. I've accepted my role in this story, I'm always a distant second to Dwight. Hell, who wouldn't be?" Calvin shakes hands with the reporter one last time. "Actually, while I have you, do you like beets juice? Dwight bred this hybrid, the thing takes just like a sparkling wine, it's incredible! Take a bottle home, trust me, we've got gallons of the stuff in the beet cellar." "No, that's fine, but thank you. Have a nice evening, Calvin." The reporter drives off with his notes on the passenger seat. The article will never be written, but the encounter with the former Mrs. Schrute (now Mrs. Adama) inspires him for the rest of his life. Calvin heads back inside, sits down beside his wife, and places an arm around her. "He didn't want any sparkling beet juice. I'm really proud of that stuff, you know, but people never seem to want to try it." "Dwight could have sold it. Do you remember the time he sold more paper in a day than an entire website?" "How could I forget? As I recall, he was trying to win you back at that point." "And as I recall, Andy serenaded me over the phone with his acapella group. It was a busy day." "Well, Dwight won out in the end, I'd say. Until I came around, of course." "But of course." Angela and Calvin Adama head upstairs. Calvin, who has a fondness for mustard yellow shirts, pauses for a second. "The last name's not too obvious, is it? He's not going to figure it out?" "Please. Nobody's watched that show in ages. And it's much better than you first suggestion. What was it again, Recyclops?" "Hey, I still stand by that one. Calvin Recyclops. It rolls off the tongue." As the couple closes their bedroom door, Calvin winks at the camera.
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Nov 30, 2021 14:36
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Jim comes up with a jousting prank to play on Dwight. He waits in a full suit of armor in the Dunder Mifflin parking lot, waiting on his horse with a lance. He's going to strafe Dwight and knock his head off as soon as he exits the building. As he waits, mist forms. Jim looks around but can hardly even see the Dunder Mifflin building anymore. He sees a silhouette begin to emerge. He concentrates to try and make out what it is. It's Chips, and Chips is mounted on Little Sebastian from the show Parks and Recreation. Chips begins a charge. Jim begins a charge of his own in response. Despite his superior height and reach, Jim is struck on the chest plate by Chips's Lance, and sent hurtling from his mount. He slowly stands up and sees the crowd around him. He is in a stadium, and three flags bearing the family Crest of Chips are raised, meaning Jim has lost the tournament. The fair lady Pamela looks down, shakes her head, and leaves the viewing booth. "What devilry is this!?" Jim demands. "From whence have I arrived here!?" Jim's best friend, Chaucer, as played by Alan Tudyk, pulls Jim to his feet and gets him back to the preparation room and explains that he has fallen through a wormhole and that they must use roman fire oil to defend the castle before it has been invented. Dwight is visiting a grave in France in the present and sees an engraving of a floppy haired knight.
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Nov 30, 2021 17:01
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Deep in the Caribbean, Beet-beard the Pirate sails in search of treasure and glory. His crew of scallywags point out a glint in the horizon. Treasure ho! "Now remember, me hearties! We take the treasure and donate it to the poor little children of these islands. A doubloon or two goes a long way towards ending childhood hunger." A hearty round of cheers accompanies this, the charitable crew energized and ready for what adventure awaits them. As they sail closer to the shimmer, it reveals itself - an island made of gold, silver, and jewels! Beet-beard lets out a hearty laugh. "Lady Fortuna shines brightly upon us today, me fellow buccaneers! This will go a long way towards ending income inequality. Why, I do believe I can already picture the school for blind children. What say you, Sir Creed?" Creed lets out a gallant "Aye aye, cap'n!" and the crew disembarks to collect the treasure. As Beet-beard steps forth on the island, his boot sinks into the golden shore. "Stay back, friends! It appears some sort of devilry is afoot!" "Aye, 'tis no devilry, Beet-beard! You've simple been outmatched once again. By me, Flopbeard, King of the Seven Seas! Your Treasure Island is simply made of bubblegum and golden paint! What a jest I have played on you!" A lanky pirate, dressed in loud colors and with a floppy beard, appears on top of the island. A tiny monkey rests on his shoulder. "Tally ho, Chips! We have more foolishness waiting for us. Ah, but forgive my rudeness! Beet-beard, before I take my leave, a gift for you!" Flopbeard pulls out a banana cream pie and tosses it at Beet-beard. Unable to free himself from the island, Beet-beard takes the pie directly in the face. Flopbeard lets out a wicked, childish laugh and Chips joins in with his animalistic squeaks and chirps. "Adventure awaits, old 'friend', but Flopbeard will always be a day ahead to spoil your fun!" Flopbeard hops into a tiny rowboat and begins rowing away, slowly, towards the sunset. As he does, he mugs devilishly towards Beet-beard's crew. "Sir! Should we train the cannons on him? We have a clear shot!" "Nay, hold your fire Mr. Malone. The day will come when we outfox this rogue, and that'll be a day long remembered into history. Let him mug, it'll be short-lived, I'm sure."
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Nov 30, 2021 17:24
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After weeks of mounting tensions over their contrasting opinions on antacids, Chips challenges Little Champion to a fight. They both choose the same weapon: Their own feces.
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Nov 30, 2021 18:21
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Jim starts loudly cracking his back at work, interrupting phone calls and generally annoying Dwight and the rest of the staff. Realizing he's getting a major reaction, Jim starts manipulating every joint in his body to get more and more loud cracks. Unbeknownst to anyone, Jim's ever more extreme joint manipulations are causing major changes within his body. Jim has unlocked a primal part of the human brain, along with a vestigial bundle of nerves. "Hey Dwight, say no to crack!" Jim cracks his neck for the final time. As he does, he manipulates the bundle of nerves in such a way that they begin transmitting to and from his brain. The primal part of his mind begins receiving strange messages, indecipherable to his higher functions. Jim passes out and never wakes up again, but his body and brain begin to operate in a much different way than humanity is used to. Jim's arms go slack and his head bobs on his neck. Parts of his brain link up to some great, dark part of the collective unconscious. Something long ago abandoned, for good reason. Jim is dead, long live the New Jim. "Hey, Dwight, which is correct? 'Egg yolks are white' or 'egg yolks is white'?" comes a guttural voice. Dwight swears he senses it before he hears it. "Egg yolks ARE white, Jim. Yolks are plural in this case so -" "NO THEY ARE NOT. THEY ARE YELLOW." comes the bellowing reply. New Jim, comprehending dark secrets long ago forgotten by mankind, mugs for the camera.
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Nov 30, 2021 18:31
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Commander Shrute, the boldest explorer in the Space Corps, makes landfall on planet Pran X, the mysterious dark world from which three previous voyages were lost. As he steps out from the BeetRocket onto the surface of the planet, he sees something and draws his trust Ray Gun and points it. But it’s just a robot. A robot whose head is a giant camera. “Egads,” mutters Commander Shrute, “Could this be the long lost exiled homeworld of the mad scientist, J’im?”
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Nov 30, 2021 18:58
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A Fancy Hat posted:A reporter for the Scranton Times shows up at Schrute Farms and knocks on the door. Angela, now in her late 60s, opens the door. this owns.
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Nov 30, 2021 19:02
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HIJK posted:this owns. It should be reposted as the last story of the thread just before it closes
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Nov 30, 2021 19:19
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There are two typos that are driving me crazy. But, like Dwight would say, nobody's perfect and it's our imperfections that make us who we are.
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Nov 30, 2021 19:27
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I'm happy every time little champion shows up.
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Nov 30, 2021 20:19
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Little Champion is my favorite addition to the mythos since the multiverse was split into Cosmic Jim and Pathetic Jim sectors
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Nov 30, 2021 21:59
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Dwight uses an HM02 to teach Fly to Little Champion, to help reduce his commute to work drastically. However, all of Dwight’s gym badges have suddenly gone missing, preventing him from using Fly outside of battle. Dwight realizes this too late, and the next morning, he’s 45 minutes late to work after being forced to drive in at the last second. As Dwight gets chewed out by Michael in his office for his tardiness, Jim catches the camera’s attention with a nod, and then opens his dress shirt to reveal 8 gym badges pinned on the inside. He mugs for the camera as he leaves work early to go challenge the Elite Four.
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Nov 30, 2021 22:19
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Jim invents a flying hoverboard and builds a robotic suit, becoming a supervillain that calls himself the Smug Floplin. Jim kidnaps Chips and Little Champion, holding one in each hand as he stands atop the Brooklyn Bridge. Dwight arrives to stop him, but Jim lets them each fall, knowing that Dwight doesn't have time to catch them both. Dwight dives after Chips and rescues him, since Little Champion can fly. Little Champion swoops back up at Jim and pecks his eye out. "You know," Dwight tells him, "there's probably something else that you could have done with that flying hoverboard, to make money or something." Jim replies vacantly, "Maybe I can use my time machine for pranks instead?"
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Dec 1, 2021 06:32
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Jim is standing in the break room with a plastic novelty ice cube containing a fake fly. He wants to put it in Dwight's drink, as a prank. Suddenly, a whooshing sound and a bright green portal appear next to him, and out steps an older version of himself. The second Jim is wearing a torn leather jacket, only has one eye, and his hair is spiked up in a mohawk. "Stop!" shouts the supper apparition, "I don't have much time, but you must listen to me. Do not pull that prank. It's what sets up the Great Collapse. Do you understand? Do. Not. Prank. Dwight." Before he can explain more, the portal reappears and sucks the future Jim back through it. Jim is once more standing alone in the kitchen. He is still for a moment, then glances at the camera. "Hey, buddy, can I get you a tall glass of beet juice?" he calls over to Dwight.
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Dec 1, 2021 06:36
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Jim signs on with Netflix for a one hour comedy special, "Just Prankin' Around." His act contains mostly accounts of pranks pulled on Dwight, a lot of unfounded attacks on Dwight's character, one knock-knock joke, and a final ten-minute ventriloquist act he performs by putting Dwight's glasses on his rear end. The special is a confusing mess, a few people laugh at first, but as the special goes on the vitriolic tone confuses and upsets the whole audience. They don't even know who Dwight is! Jim doesn't care though. He has everything he needs. He sets up a viewing party in the conference room, and he's gone all out. The room is decked with gold and silver ornaments, a hand-carved wooden throne has been set up for the "guest of honor" (Dwight), the catering is from a five star restaurant in new york, the centerpiece being a delicious chocolate cake in the shape of Jim's rear end wearing Dwight's glasses, bearing a slogan too vile to repeat here. He puts his hands on his hips and takes a deep, satisfied breath. He turns around. Michael Scott is behind him, and kneecaps him with a bat. How dare Jim steal his dream of being a comedian! Jim falls face first into the rear end-cake, obscuring the slogan. Dwight walks into the room and says, "Hey Jim, I think the forks are over there!" The whole office laughs, even Michael. Jim, reeling with the bitter sting of his own comic failure, attempts to run out of the office, but with broken knees and buttercream frosting stinging his eyes, he slams facefirst into the crepe station and scalds his face and his forearms with piping hot crepe batter. Howling like an animal, he throws his body out of the window. The Office decides, in his honor, they will watch the special anyway. Nobody can remember what it is called, or what Jim's last name is, so they settle on watching episodes of "Seinfeld." The next day Pam drives Jim to the doctor, where he receives skin grafts from, let's say Kevin.
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Dec 1, 2021 06:58
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The year is 2002, years before any documentary crew decided to film Dunder Mifflin. Michael, Jim, and Dwight are crammed into a cheap rental car, driving to Cleveland for a sales conference. Traffic comes to a standstill, an accident is just up ahead. "Come on people, if we don't get there early we won't get to see the Christmas Story house!" screams Michael out the window. The ambulance lights are flashing now as two bodies are lifted out of the wreckage. It looks bad, extremely bad. Michael suddenly becomes serious, realizing that the Christmas Story House will still be there, he can easily go at another time. Dwight bows his head and has a silent moment of reflection. The silence of the car is broken by a muffled laugh that becomes a snort. "Heh, too bad we're not coffin salesmen, right?" Michael and Dwight look at Jim in horror. Jim snaps back, realizing what he said. "Sorry. I... I don't know why I found that funny. I'm... I'm going to take a nap." Dwight feels a shiver go up and down his spine. Jim closes his eyes but does not sleep. Why DID he find that funny? As the car starts moving again, Jim looks out the window and sees a red streak across the pavement. He quickly pushes his hand against his mouth before another laugh comes, disguising it as a burp. He must just be tired, that's it. There has been a lot of pressure at Dunder Mifflin lately. And it's been hard to sleep lately, especially with the construction outside his apartment. That huge crew, digging up something in the middle of the night. They told him it was lead pipes they were replacing, but do lead pipes hum like that? "Sorry guys, must have been that pizza I had last night."
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Dec 1, 2021 14:47
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From his dark watchtower deep under the oceans, Silent and eternal, Cosmic Jim slumbers. As the ages of the World pass and turn. Cosmic Jim will wake, yet even now, in his dreaming He pranks And close your eyes with holy dread For he on honey-dew hath fed, And drunk the milk of Paradise. Jim is startled by a knock on the door. He goes to answer it, but there is nobody outside. He tries to remember what he was thinking, but he can't. Was it some kind of... poem? Jim shakes his head. He doesn't have time to deal with this. Jim goes to bed early, so that he can get up early for his new job that starts tomorrow. Salesman of a paper company? Jim chuckles. Sure, why not. It's a temporary starter job. It's not like he'll be there forever or anything. Still, the uneasy dreams cause Jim to stir uneasily, and sleep is hard to come by. Why does he feel so uneasy? Must be nerves. That's it. In his sleep, Jim's face twists slightly into a tiny smirk. The first of many.
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Dec 1, 2021 15:01
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Jim walks out of his apartment...complex? Hand in hand with Chips. Both of them are wearing matching ties again, Jim knows this is driving Dwight nuts. More that Chips keeps coming to the office with him and all. But that they're dressed the same just adds to the 'irk factor' as it were. He mugs softly to his own reflection as he unlocks his car doors and he and Chips clamor in. "Ugh, right, I'll pull around...". Jim says, mostly to himself. Frustrated to have forgotten yet another morning of the construction work that seemingly never end around this place. Chips hops in place and Ooks and Aacks a bit and Jim smiles a little. Maybe today's pranks will go alright, he thinks. Behind him, the road construction crew, who've been on site for 19 years, stare at his "I <3 Balloon Boy" bumper sticker with all-black eyes, with no comprehension. They dully return to their task of unearthing the giant sphere which lies eternal and never revealed. Big Beef City fucked around with this message at 15:23 on Dec 1, 2021 |
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Dec 1, 2021 15:19
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Jim builds a hall of mirrors between the front door of Dunder Mifflin and Dwight's desk. When Dwight shows up, he's forced to navigate the tricky maze. Dwight finally does so and sits down, eager to start his day. He reaches for his phone, but it's on the other side of his desk. "Very funny, Jim. You mirrored my desk, too?" "?thgiwD, naem uoy od tahW" replies Jim. Dwight can't seem to get his password to work for his computer until he types it in as "757rats-elteeB". Taking a closer look, he realizes the keyboard is backwards as well. Jim sgum for the camera.
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Dec 1, 2021 19:27
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Smug and mugs are almost the same word
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Dec 1, 2021 19:44
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Jim wakes up to a lightly snoring Pam with her arm draped over him, wearing a tank top and pajama pants. She smells nice. Sunlight is peeking into the curtains. Cici opens the door and comes into the room, merrily saying "Daddy! Daddy! It's time to get ready for school!" Pam stretches and smiles as she wakes up. Jim gets up, and forces a smile as well, while being cautious and examining the room carefully. "I'll make breakfast," he says. Pam grins and says "Thank you honey." She turns her attention to Cici "Let's pick you out an outfit!" Jim examines the kitchen as he makes some simple scrambled eggs and toast. It's normal. Everything looks normal. He has every reason to believe he is in a baseline Jim reality. It's been a long time, and he intends to stay. "I just need to do a prank" he says to himself. "A simple prank, slightly amusing, only minimally cruel. That should anchor me here. I can just be a normal baseline Jim for a while." Jim's other child, he didn't remember the name, interrupts his self monologue "Who are you talking to, daddy?" "No one, kiddo, just thinking aloud" he says and ruffles the kid's hair. Jim serves breakfast and begins packing their lunches while Pam gets them ready. "Daddy, I want chips!" Cici shouts. Jim freezes for a moment. "What do you mean, Chips? I didn't think we would have chips in this one." Pam looks at him, puzzled. "Middle shelf, pantry" she says. Jim laughs and turns around and grabs a couple of individual portion Golden Flake bags. They have to order them by mail but it's Jim's favorite since he started blogging about SEC Sports rivalries, he suddenly recalls. They get the kids on the bus and go inside to get ready for work. While Pam starts the shower Jim sits at his desk and tries to draft a perfect prank that is mostly inoffensive and only slightly annoying. Something that won't be crazy. He doesn't get far however as a hand comes from behind him and slips through the collar of his shirt onto his chest. It's Pam. She's fully nude, leaning down and whispering in his ear. "Since you were so helpful this morning we have some extra time" she says and starts softly kissing him on the neck. "gently caress." Jim thinks. "If I make love to Jenna I won't have enough time to come up with a prank. But baseline Jim would choose the sex. He always pranked as a means to get sex, he didn't prank for sexual pleasure. If I don't gently caress then I'm not baseline Jim. If I don't pull a mild prank I'm not baseline Jim." "I AM JIM!" he shouts aloud at his own mind. Pam steps back with a look of concern. "Heh, sorry," Jim smirks. He looks Pam up and down. "I just got really excited to be me right now. Being me is pretty nice." Pam smiles and climbs into his lap. "Whew, saved it" Jim thinks to himself. Jim takes her to the living room couch and they begin to gently caress. Jim keeps one eye on the clock but he knows he is going to be having a tough time. He no longer feels any sexual pleasure, mentally or physically. He grew beyond it a long time ago. He won't be able to finish. 5 minutes, 10 minutes, 15 minutes. 30 minutes. An hour. Late for work now. Pam can hardly believe his stamina but doesn't want it to stop. Soon both their phones are ringing: MICHAEL SCOTT is the caller, though both have set their caller IDs to say MICHAEL SCARN. Jim can feel the pull of other Scrantons on him. He feels his soul fading. He needs an anchor, and he needs it soon. But stopping sex to do a prank would disanchor him, probably almost instantly. He'd wake up in some other Jim, probably not a good one either. Something has got to break. Luckily, it's Pam. She tells Jim she needs some water, can they take a short break? Jim agrees, falsely smiling. "Don't let that go anywhere" she orders, pointing at his erection. "Oh, this old thing?" Jim fakes a laugh. Pam leaves the room for a moment, and Jim checks his voicemail, seeing what the situation at the office is. "Jim where the hell are you!?" Scott is saying in the voicemail. "This isn't like any of you! Meredith is in the hospital. Kevin's got the day off. You didn't call in sick or anything!" Michael is ranting in a slightly atypical way, seems legitimately worried. He continues to listen as Pam comes back in. "Sorry, just thought I should check the voicemail in case it was an emergency" Jim says. Pam just smiles and nods and begins going down on him as he continues to listen. "I'm worried something happened to you guys!" Michael says. "Because Dwight and Angela haven't come in either, and I know he was staying in your guest room after you felt bad his house needed fumigation because of your prank last week!" Jim turns and looks at the closed door to the guest room from the living room. He focuses all his senses on his hearing and vision and begins to clearly see the infrared outline and hear the whispers of Dwight and Angela standing behind the doorway, mortified, debating how they can get out of this awkward situation without anyone realizing they were there the whole time. Jim instantly nuts. "Oomph!" Pam exclaims, but cleans up like a good sport. "A little warning next time, please?" "Sorry, honey, that was a surprise for me as well." Jim says. "That didn't sound like how I talk," he scolds himself in his thoughts. "Ah well, gently caress it." he thinks again. "I'll make it up to you," he says. "Your turn." he says as he goes down on Pam. "Just do me one favor and be loud." He smirks. Pam nods. As Jim closes his eyes and entertains the man in the boat, he thinks his anchor should be dropping any second. While not exactly a prank, this awkward situation he'd put Dwight and Angela in was not done out of mean spirits. It was a funny story to an outsider, he thought. It was a mild inconvenience, one day late to work. This is something that would conceivably happen in a baseline Jim universe, albeit in a TV-PG way that edited around the grown up parts. This could be an episode of The Office for sure. "Oh no it couldn't," Dwight says directly in Jim's brain. "Think about it Halpert. There's no time period in which you and Pam were married with two kids, I was with Angela, and Michael Scott was still at the office. It's inconsistent with continuity. If Michael is there and you are married then Angela is either with Andy or the senator. Excuse me, the state senator. In fact if I'm with Angela then you should be in Texas now while I run Dunder Mifflin as its new manager." Jim opened his eyes and is in a panic. Everything does still seem normal. Pam is enjoying what he's doing. But no anchor is coming. Jim stands up. "Hold on a minute. Cover up." Jim hands Pam a blanket. "What?" Pam asks. "What's going on?" Jim storms over to the guest room door and kicks it open. Revealing Dwight and Angela on the other side. "WE GOT OURSELVES A COUPLE OF PEEPING TOMS!" Jim shouts. "Jim, that's not... Look we have been stuck in here for over an hour! We were about to go to work when you and Pam started your fornication!" "Oh my God" Pam says. "Haven't you taken the lord's name in vain enough this morning?" Angela asks. Suddenly, there's pounding at the front door. "Jim! Pam! Are you in there? It's Michael!" they hear their overly friendly manager shout. Jim has a hunch and shouts "Alexa open door!" The door swings open and Michael enters to see a stark naked Jim raining blows down upon Dwight, Pam naked from behind, having only covered her front with the blanket, Angela shrieking. Jim smirks "It was close this time, at least. I had fun" and with one final blow snapping Dwight's stupid glasses in half, he begins to glow silver as he leaps once more. And so Jim continues, pranking from Dwight to Dwight, pranking right which once went wrong, hoping that each prank will be the leap home. John Wick of Dogs fucked around with this message at 20:08 on Dec 1, 2021 |
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Dec 1, 2021 19:57
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Dwight has been having terrible stomach pains all day and asks to leave work early. "Jeez Dwight, you on your period or something?" says Jim, gleefully. Dwight rushes home and falls asleep. In the morning, he awakens and feels much better. "Weird, I thought I had closed that window." he says to himself as he closes the bedroom window and prepares for another day at Dunder Mifflin. Dwight never notices the wet footprints across his yard, leading through the beet fields and into the woods. If he had, he might have followed them all the way to the Halpert house, where Jim sits in a darkened attic with a strange visitor. "So, wait, you're Dwight?" "I am Dwight's evil nature. He sought to purify himself of all wicked feelings but in doing so has unleashed me upon the world." "Weird. Weird but cool. But I've never seen Dwight do an evil thing in his life." "Oh no? Were you there when Dwight acted cruel to Isabel, Pam's friend? Perhaps when he secretly married Angela while she was still engaged to Andy? Maybe you remember the chaos caused by Dwight starting a fire drill in the office?" "Isa-who? Pam has friends? Andy and Angela were engaged? But yeah, that fire drill prank was pretty funny, actually that sounds like something I would have done!" "Jim. Mr. Halpert. I'm not here for conversation, obviously. I respect your animal-like devotion towards pranking Dwight. You're a shark, my friend, one who long ago smelled blood in the water and won't stop until you've had your fill." Jim starts chomping his teeth and giggles. "I'm proposing an alliance, Jim. I know more about Dwight than anyone else. That's valuable to you. With enough pranking, I believe Dwight can be broken down, so that I can regain supremacy over him. Now what do you say to that?" "Wait, I recognize you now! You're the guy who shot the gun in the office!" Dwight's evil self smiles and nods. He lifts his glass of beet juice in the air. Jim joins in and the two clink glasses together, then drink deeply. The beet juice is bitter but neither man seems to notice or care. They both mug for the camera. Back at Schrute Farms, Dwight feels a pang of fear but dismisses it.
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Dec 1, 2021 20:12
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In a rigid seat at his desk and a cold sweat, Jim watches his coworkers move around with an air of unreality. Why are they so strange? Who would, in their right minds, work somewhere this crazy? Why has Creed been allowed to stay when he is clearly deranged, and how does Ryan keep getting fired and rehired? Did they really merge with the Stamford branch and lose all the new workers except for Andy, who was promoted to regional manager and then took an inexplicable three month boat trip? The waves of nausea hit Jim again. He bites down, then runs for the men’s room. Where is the men’s room? Has he ever seen the interior? Jim vomits, then looks up. The camera crew is following him, they wait for him to react to the camera. “Stop following me! Stop recording me!” Everyone stops and stares at Jim. He is lying on the floor in the middle of the office in his own vomit, crying and whimpering something about cameras. Why would there be cameras in an office? What would a cameraman be doing in the regional office of a paper supply company? Poor Jim, thinks Cosmic Jim. He is just now beginning to see the reality beyond his tiny reality. The cracks are starting to form.
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Dec 2, 2021 02:23
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Jim has distorted the television signal and has de-synced the interlacing on his frames by 5 seconds to prank Dwight. "HeHye yD wDiwgihgtht," Jim says, half of himself lagging behind the other, "WoWrokirnkgi nHg aHrdard?" Dwight looks up with a smile. "Hardly Working!" His face turns pale. Pam screams and drops her coffee. Others turn, Oscar biles. They all stare unflinching at the worst sight they have ever seen in their lives. Jim bllinks, too late and too early. He smirks twice. --- "What we're dealing with is a Quantum Phenomenon," said Michael Scott, who has called a meeting in the conference room. "I have invited Scranton's top minds, Rudy Angeletti, professor of Physics at scranton tech, Roland Thurgood, professor of Psychology and Philiosiphy, and Sullivan Fornstern, head broadcast engineer at WBRE. The honorable Professor Angiletti, before we begin our line of questioning, would you explain to these people what this is." He points to a picture he has printed and hung on the wall. "The Milky Way." "Thank you. One example, of a Quantum Phenomenon." Stanley groans from the back, "No it isn't." Ryan adds, "And neither is Quantum Leap, or Alf." "Then explain where he came from, Ryan. Explain the imagination!" "I'm sorry, can we get on topic?" asks the professor. --- It had been three months since Jim's prank. Ordinary physicians were wordless. The top doctors in the top hospitals in the world could find no answers for him. He had been passed around research institutions, treated like a guinea pig, put on tv, in spite of the fact that his image was increasingly erratic, static-y, and out of focus. In the last month his condition had worsened to the point of altering the structural makeup of the things around him. He had begun to create feedback around radios, phones and televisions. What's more, he seems to be moving away in time from himself, if not space, aging at first normally, half forward and half in reverse, but the rate had quickened until he was both ten years older and younger, pranking Dwight in one second and watching with horror as the world fell around him in the other. In the pst week, he had begun to turn into a sort of static blob, ripping chunks of matter apart with him. He had been sealed in a glass container ten miles beneath the ground, in the middle of the Mojave Desert. --- "You see, there's a visible spectrum of light. But there are also phenomena along the electromagnetic spectrum that we can't see, things like radio waves and cosmic rays and that sort of thing.Jim has begun to drift outward onto opposite ends of the spectrum and is in danger of tearing causality apart entirely. But we think that, if we can broadcast a recreation of Jim, as exactly, as possible, physically and psychologically, we may be able to restore a small amount of stability to the universe while we cook up a better solution," said the professor pf physics. "A Mirror Jim," said Michael, "Of course." "So we want to know what you know about Jim." Said the professor of Psychology. "His likes, his dislikes, what kind of a person he was. A memory, anything." "Well," Opened Andy Bernard, "He LOVED Tuna. He practically wouldn't eat anything else." Three people in the back fastudiously type notes "He was a total Jerk, he was never there for me," said Kelly. "Make him nicer this time!" "Ooh, you should make him play an instrument, then he'd be way cooler." said Kevin. "Please, we're getting off topic again," said the professor. "You know, he loved to play pranks. And he was always a pretty good salesman," said Dwight. "Good, now we're getting somewhere." --- Dwight sighed and walked into the office. Things were normal, and the threat was in code yellow. The rest of the world seemed even a little happier than usual, having momentarily dodged the big one. But Dwight had his own problem to deal with. He sat on a whoppee cushion. "Ho huek, got you Dwight!" said new new Jim. If you looked from a distance at him, you would almost swear it was the real thing, but Dwight could tell the difference. There were no round corners on this new Jim, just fine polygons. His face was a high-res photo steatched over his synthetic skull. It reminded Dwight of "Goldeneye" Jim cracks open a can of tuna and downs it without tasting. "Dwight, I love the paper sales business, like I love Pam my Wife!" "I love you, Jim," replied the brave actress and prostitute who had volunteered to play Pam to maintain quantum integrity. The real Pam had been in a shock coma since day one. "Now I gotta go play guitar with Kevin and Kelly! I love you my friends!" Said Jim as he happily jogged down to the warehouse. Dwight and "Pam" sigh. "Do you have a cigarette?" she asks. Dwight smiles wearily, "you know Pam doesn't smoke," he says, already handing her one. "God it's so odd, isn't it, that thing isn't it. I feel like they can't have replicated the genome correctly." "They got it close enough I guess. Like rounding up in math." "Or imaginary numbers." They sit for a long while without talking. Dwight starts playing a game on his computer, then sternly closes it without playing.
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Dec 2, 2021 02:51
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John Wick of Dogs posted:Jim wakes up to a lightly snoring Pam with her arm draped over him, wearing a tank top and pajama pants. She smells nice. Sunlight is peeking into the curtains. Cici opens the door and comes into the room, merrily saying "Daddy! Daddy! It's time to get ready for school!" Pam stretches and smiles as she wakes up. The slight reality bleed really works for me here. This whole thing came together quite well!
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Dec 2, 2021 02:51
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FunkyAl posted:the centerpiece being a delicious chocolate cake in the shape of Jim's rear end wearing Dwight's glasses, bearing a slogan too vile to repeat here. Throughout his Netflix comedy special, Jim repeatedly refers to Dwight using the N-word to the point where even Michael Scott finally realizes why it's not okay for a white person to say even as a joke. Jim blames the subsequent uproar on "cancel culture" and claims Chris Rock said the N-word twice as much in his 1997 comedy special and it's a double standard if Jim's not allowed to say it. Jim becomes the toast of the right wing and becomes a regular guest on Joe Rogan's podcast. Jim mugs for the microphone.
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Dec 2, 2021 03:25
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People all across Scranton are mortified when they crack open any local farm-fresh eggs. Instead of delicious eggy goodness, they're met with a stillborn chicken fetus. Closer inspection reveals that the fetuses have disturbingly human features, with some of them having fingers, toes, and human-like faces. Dwight doesn't escape this horror, his attempt at making a beet and swiss omelet turning into a nightmare. As Dwight tosses the thing away, he swears it mugs at him. At work, Jim is sitting at his desk with a proud smile on his face. Dwight is afraid to even ask, worried that he's simply reinforcing Jim's bad behavior by recognizing it. Jim's face gets smugger and smugger as other employees come in and talk about their terrifying egg encounters. Michael is finally the one to ask if Jim had anything to do with it. "Eggs-actly!" says Jim as he mugs for the camera.
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Dec 2, 2021 18:56
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Dwight takes some orphans to the local mall in order to meet Santa Claus. As he approaches, he realizes it's Jim in the costume. "Sorry, kids, but Uncle Dwight just remembered he forgot to turn the oven off!" The kids are having none of it, however, mistaking Dwight's excuse to leave for a playful bit of banter. One of the kids runs up onto Jim's lap and sits down. Dwight cautiously approaches, as if a deadly snake has wrapped around the boy's neck. Jim and the boy exchange a few words and the boy silently hops off and walks back towards Dwight. "He told me the exact date and time of my death, Uncle Dwight. Then he told me yours. Would you like to know it?" Another child is rushing to get on Santa's lap and Dwight starts to scream. Santa Jim mugs for the camera.
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Dec 2, 2021 19:24
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Applewhite posted:Throughout his Netflix comedy special, Jim repeatedly refers to Dwight using the N-word to the point where even Michael Scott finally realizes why it's not okay for a white person to say even as a joke. Jim Halpert, comedian, challenges Chris Rock to a standup challenge on Rogan's podcast, rear end well as a few other things that get him permanently banned from the Rogan show. Never, Joe would later recall, was anyone so ignorant to the plight of the working man, the african american community, worldwide refugees, heroin addicts, mothers both single and married, or especially the Pennsylvanian Amish. Jim Laughed like the Joker as Joe attacked him in a rage, as would later happen with Howard Stern, Alex Jones, Marc Maron, And various cable access. Chris Rock watches the Frontline special about this, and puzzled. He had heard that greatness called great men in times of need, but it did not feel like it did reading the adventures of great men in his vast study. How could he fight this malformed Jim Halpert, documentary star come to horrible life? He turned off his TV and pulls a copy of Mary Shelly's Frankenstien from the shelf. If only she was here, she'd know what to do. His eyes dart toward a biography of harry houdini on the shelf. A light goes off in his head. He can do it, for a price. The night of the standup competition has come. Jim is backstage, gorging himself. A red buzzer crackles on. "JIM HALPERT TO STAGE." He chews through a bone and gets up. He walks down a long, long black hallway and into a large black area. In the middle of the room there is a pig. As Jim walks toward him, he sees a sight for sore eyes: dozens of Jims, staring back at him! After admiring his own sallow, sunken reflection, he looks back at the pig and sees it is actually two dead pigs, stitched together. A switch goes off. Two car jacks attached to the pig creation turn on, the pig squeals into agonizing life briefly before exploding all over Jim. Jim laughs, man's inhumanity merely another joke. But something is different now. Thousands of Jims reflect back at him, laughing. Laughing at HIM. He laughs harder but then so do they! He screams and they scream back, the grey wastes, sopping with blood and fat! They killed him, they killed the pig! The blood is on their hands! He attacks one instinctively, like a warthog, and breaks the mirror the Jim is reflected on. He breaks another, and another, deranged and sobbing and driven by mechanic anger. Finally he can take no more and breaks down, sobbing. He sees everything clearly now. When he hurts one person, it comes back at himself in full force. A hand touches his shoulder. It is Steve Whitmere, american puppeteer, dressed up like an exploded pig. Standing behind him are Frank Oz, Brian Henson, Chris Rock, and Giles-Ste Croix, the founder of Cirque du Soleil. "Jim, it was all just a prank! Me and my friends from the entertainment industry wanted to teach you a lesson. It's not so fun when someone pranks you, is it?" Jim hiccups a "No" "We are all your best friends, Jim" says Brian. "We would never hurt you." "For true?" "Oui, for true!" Michael Scott and Dwight Schrute wheel in a cart full of Fresh country Ice Cream. "Now who wants Ice Cream?" They ask. Everybody ate Ice Cream. The End.
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Dec 2, 2021 19:52
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dwight carefully inspects his reflection in the mirror of the office's men's restrooms. satisfied that his hair remains in place, he turns away, only to be confronted by jim! "hey dwight, think fast!" jim yells, lashing out and jabbing dwight in the arm with a hypodermic needle. with horror, dwight notices a bleeding red track mark on jim's arm dwight barrels jim against the wall with his good hand. "what have you done? what was in that syringe!?" jim shrugs, muggly. he has no idea - he found it in the car park
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Dec 2, 2021 20:21
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Jim creates a living creature formed from the bodies of dead convicts that Jim dug up. Hundreds of years later, Dwight's descendant is in an annoying conversation with someone who says "No, Halpert was the scientist, Halper's Monster was the creature" like it's the first time anyone ever made that particular point. Jim mugs for the camera as he pulls the switch to reanimate his monster.
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Dec 2, 2021 20:49
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Dwight learns to breakdance, so Jim comes into work wearing funny breakdance pants on the day of Moes' funeral.
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Dec 2, 2021 23:18
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Who would give a funeral for a dog?
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Dec 2, 2021 23:54
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The Kindly Dwight.
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Dec 3, 2021 00:16
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Jim releases dozen of feral cats on Schrute Farms. When Dwight asks what the point was, Jim just says he was "kitten around".
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Dec 3, 2021 17:15
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Jim reads from the Almanac of Demons and summons Balloonzebub to torment Dwight.
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Dec 4, 2021 02:57
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| # ? May 14, 2024 15:47 |
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My wife suggested we rewatch the office and you know what Jim is a loving bully
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Dec 4, 2021 03:41
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