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If it's all right with everyone, I'd like to make a toast. First of all, I'd like to thank everyone for inviting me to be here this Christmas day. I know we've had our differences over the last few years. I've said some things I regret, and I'm sure you have as well. I won't go into it other than to say it's in the past, and I'm glad to see you got over it. Now to my main point. I want to talk about the reason for the season, the man responsible for bringing us together on this special day. He' sacrificed everything to save each and every one of us. He's the reason we say Merry Christmas. He's who we should be grateful to, grateful for, and faithful in. I'm talking, of course, about Donald Trump, and this Christmas I've made a donation to his new Super PAC---Make America Great Again Again!---in your names, and I've provided them your email address and phone numb- Wait, where is everybody going? Don't you dare throw me out of this house again, you liberal cucks! I don't want to spend Christmas alone!!!
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Dec 9, 2021 16:59
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I thought I'd recite a little Christmas poem for everyone. A ditty, if you would. Listen up kids and everyone else, too! "Twas the night before Christmas And all through the house Not a creature was stirring except your Aunt BECKY Who was loving some lout -" OH WHAT BECKY YOU THINK I DIDN'T KNOW WHERE YOU WERE LAST NIGHT YOU WHORE I PUT ONE OF THOSE BLUTOOTH TRACKERS IN YOUR PURSE YOU DUMB BITCH OH DON'T YOU START CRYING AT ME! DON'T YOU....DON'T YOU DARE. DON'T YOU loving DARE WALK OUT THAT DOOR *door slamming* GODDAMMIT... *sighs* I...I'm sorry everyone. I...Bobby would you PLEASE stop loving crying
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Dec 9, 2021 17:04
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I've planned a really nice Christmas for everyone. We're driving between 15 different churches, each one is doing a small piece of the nativity story! Be at my house at 6:30 am, we'll get a caravan going and should be done by about 4 pm. That gives us time to stop for lunch at one of the churches, they're going to have bags of chips and string cheese! Blessed be!
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Dec 9, 2021 17:08
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Christmas is a time for peace and enjoying the silent, holy night. So I brought everybody these "oil filters" that can keep the noise down a bit. Enjoy!
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Dec 9, 2021 17:12
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Bogus Adventure posted:If it's all right with everyone, I'd like to make a toast. First of all, I'd like to thank everyone for inviting me to be here this Christmas day. I know we've had our differences over the last few years. I've said some things I regret, and I'm sure you have as well. I won't go into it other than to say it's in the past, and I'm glad to see you got over it. Then there's the opposite situation where the one liberal family member gets kicked out of the house for not wanting to burn an effigy of Biden.
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Dec 9, 2021 17:15
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This is a three hour mix of carols performed by the canine choir and accompanied by the clown horn orchestra. If the boys don't listen to it at the correct volume and bark along they will never be able to settle.
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Dec 9, 2021 17:16
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Hey everyone, I brought my dog with me. He's gonna bark at every one and every thing in this house, snap at the kids, and piss all over your house. No, I couldn't leave him at home for a few hours, he would have pissed all over my things then.
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Dec 9, 2021 17:20
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I've been listening to the Tijuana Christmas album and I think we should spend Christmas in Tijuana this year.
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Dec 9, 2021 17:51
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Hey everyone nice to see you, hi! Hi. I thought I'd bring my new Xbox over so I can show you some of the sick new games while I play, can I set it up? ...28 inch tv? Not even 4k? The gently caress is this garbage? I drove like 20 minutes to get here to show you guys my new xbox and THIS is what you 'entertain' yourselves with? Maybe next year, CAROL.
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Dec 9, 2021 18:04
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Big Beef City posted:was said cousin that aunt's child? Because I mean if so that's a 100% understandable situation dude Nope. But I'm also not really bitter about it. He got Re4 a few years later and it was too scary so I swapped him 6 holo Yugioh cards for it.
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Dec 9, 2021 20:43
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Did you know you were gonna be a twin? Yup, but you absorbed her! You know that little "mole" on the back of your neck? The doctors said that's where her teeth and hair are. Pretty cool, right? Hey Eric, did your mom tell you that you were supposed to have a sister? It's true! But there's a thing called a miscarriage, which your mom had after riding on a rollercoaster in the 3rd trimester! Hey! What are you crying for? I told her not to do it! Fine! Pete, you'll like this one! Did you know your "sister" is really your mom? Yeah! There was this whole big thing about your "sister" getting pregnant at 14, so HER parents adopted you and pretended you were their kid! So really, your "parents" are your grandparents! And your Dad's dead of a heroin overdose! Jeez, bunch of gloomy Guses over here. How's the ham going, it's not getting dried out like last year, is it?
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Dec 9, 2021 20:55
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Kids! This is Shelly. We wanted to tell you sooner but thought this was going to be better. WE"RE GETTIN' MARRIED! I love A Fancy Hat but sometimes I think he/she's a bot that is the manifestation of the PTSD I had growing up. Its like I'm Danny Torrence, SA is the Overlook, Fancy Hat is all the ghosts and I'm Shining all over the place.
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Dec 10, 2021 01:02
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* Ask for a Christmas even though everyone is sick of your outbursts about it and doesn't even care about the holiday anymore because you always make it suck * Have an outburst while scanning credit card statements because Christmas comes with a certain amount of cost, and isn't free. Do not contribute anything other than purely reactive beratement. * Be in a foul mood and eventually start yelling on Christmas Day, despite no expectations being placed on you whatsoever. Oh wait this isn't the Rejected Parents thread. skooma512 fucked around with this message at 01:39 on Dec 10, 2021 |
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Dec 10, 2021 01:37
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What do you mean you haven't told Aiden the truth yet, he's ten for crying out loud! *logs into santastomper58 alt account*
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Dec 10, 2021 01:44
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Yaldabaoth posted:Then there's the opposite situation where the one liberal family member gets kicked out of the house for not wanting to burn an effigy of Biden. That sounds like they were saved from a ruined Christmas
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Dec 10, 2021 16:38
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Hey, did you turn the heater up? It's 73 in here, I'm dying over here. I'm going to go turn it back down. *twenty minutes later* Who keeps turning the heat up? All these people in the house, it's naturally going to get really warm. I'm sweating. Are you guys sweating? I'm going to go turn the heat down. *another twenty minutes later* Did you know someone set the heater to 73? I'm dying over here and you can tell the kids are sweating like crazy, that's way too hot for a house with this many people in it. The body heat, you know, it heats up the house. Plus we got the oven going, all these candles, and the Christmas lights give off heat, too. And then you set it to 73? It's like a drat oven. *a final twenty minutes pass* Hey, listen, time out everyone. Someone keeps setting the heat up to 73. Can we PLEASE ask me before you play with the heater? This isn't a toy, it's a part of a very expensive air conditioning system. If you keep pressing the button it's going to break. Now I don't want to want to make a big deal but would you play with the heater at a museum? Would you do it at the White House? It's the same thing here, you are a guest in this house and you're making it way too hot. I keep it at 65, that's the best way to keep the house comfortable for everyone and keep it from being way too expensive. If you're cold you can put on a sweater or something, okay? I can't take off any more clothes, I'm already in my basketball shorts and tank top and I'm sweating through this as it is.
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Dec 10, 2021 16:47
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A Fancy Hat posted:Hey, did you turn the heater up? It's 73 in here, I'm dying over here. I'm going to go turn it back down. It's like you have a listening device in my house.
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Dec 10, 2021 17:31
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I'm cancelling your Christmas, sorry, pack it up you lose
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Dec 10, 2021 17:34
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Hey, if those kids don't want that lego set I'll gladly take it off your hands! Haha, just kidding. That's a good one though, wow, lucky kids. Really lucky kids. I mean, have they even SEEN Empire Strikes Back? Because this means nothing to them, you know that, right? No I understand they "like" Star Wars but that doesn't mean they should be building a high level replica like this. No, no, not criticizing you I'm just joking around. Jesus Christ. Hey, Joey! Joey! How would you like 20 dollars from Uncle Josh? Yeah! Now isn't that a lot more exciting than a boring old lego set from a movie that you probably haven't even seen! Yeah! So give me that dumb old box, I'll give you this, and uh... hmmm. I got it! I'll let you keep the box, I just need all the dumb bags and instruction manuals inside! That way your parents never know! Thanks Joey, Merry Christmas, buddy!
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Dec 10, 2021 17:49
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FilthyImp posted:Just an FYI, I made sure every gift label has a QR code link to Meredith's OnlyFans site. Saved her a trip to the costume shop, at least.
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Dec 10, 2021 19:08
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Treecko posted:Nope. But I'm also not really bitter about it. He got Re4 a few years later and it was too scary so I swapped him 6 holo Yugioh cards for it. You need to rethink your life
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Dec 10, 2021 19:19
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Everybody loves The Grinch, right? Well, I spent hundreds of dollars on a costume and makeup to make myself INTO the Grinch! Why are you crying? I'm not the REAL Grinch, just a grown man in a fuzzy costume with movie-quality makeup on his face! Where's the Roast Beast? Haha, that's from the movie! You know, with Jim Carrey! Where's my dog, Max? Let me see those little Whos, I'm gonna steal their Christmas! Sheila, please, I'm ACTING right now. Yeah I know the costume doesn't hide my boner, I can't help that right now, I'm just so excited about Christmas!
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Dec 10, 2021 19:44
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Come here, Collman, you want to call the NORAD Santa tracker? Come on, honey! It'll be fun! If you're really lucky, the President might even answer!
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Dec 11, 2021 09:13
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A Fancy Hat posted:Everybody loves The Grinch, right? all of these posts make it seem like you personally had to endure some sort of buddhist hell where you wake up and its 8 am on the 25th and each morning a brand new but still deeply flawed uncle traumatizes you in a novel way. you go to sleep thinking christmas sucks and you know you'll just wake up to it again tomorrow. it wont stop until you learn to play the piano and gently caress andie mcdowell or something
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Dec 11, 2021 09:26
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Good morning, champ. I heard you really wanted to learn how to play the piano, like, you REALLY wanted to play the piano, but we don't have much money so we had to get you a recorder instead. Oh, buddy, don't cry! I promise you'll have just as much fun!
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Dec 11, 2021 16:22
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Oh, geez. I better break the news to you now, kiddo. Your favourite actress Andie McDowell has passed away. *recorder tooting "Taps" punctuated by sobbing noises*
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Dec 11, 2021 16:26
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ScRoTo TuRbOtUrD posted:it wont stop until you learn to play the piano and gently caress andie mcdowell or something ITT we have the best Christmas ever
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Dec 12, 2021 19:26
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This year we're eating like the Messiah. Fish burgers for everyone.
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Dec 12, 2021 20:11
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Don't worry, when Bitcoin hits 100k by years end we can afford presents
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Dec 12, 2021 20:54
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Don't worry, honey, I know it's been a tough year and we couldn't do much for the kids. But I know EXACTLY what to say to them. Jessie, Riley, can you guys come here and sit by Daddy? Okay, so you may have noticed that there aren't a lot of presents under the tree this year. And maybe you're wondering why Santa didn't eat those cookies you left out for him. That's because Santa has covid, kids. He's on a ventilator right now just like your Uncle Mark. And, just like Mark, Santa has what are known as co-morbidities that make it far more likely that he's going to die. The good news is that Santa has been vaccinated and boosted, I have confirmation of this from one of his elves. So, unlike Uncle Mark, we WILL be seeing Santa next year.
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Dec 13, 2021 15:07
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Grandma got the Covid from a reindeer, Walking home from our house Christmas Eve. Capreolinae as a vector is not confirmed, But the nurses all say grandma cannot breathe
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Dec 13, 2021 15:24
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Wait, those stuffed mushrooms were for everyone? There were 24 on the plate, how the hell was I supposed to know they weren't just for me? Wow, okay, suddenly everybody's decided to gang up on me. God forbid I eat two dozen stuffed mushrooms, which are TINY by the way. Now it's the drat cancel culture brigade out to get me! When you go order wings or something, how many do you order? No - I want Grandma to answer this. Grandma Jean, when you order wings, how loving many wings do you order? Because I'll tell you, you don't order one or two. And we have, what, 8 people here? So in what world are 24 stuffed mushrooms enough for 8 people? Especially when this turkey is taking FOREVER to cook? I'm the scapegoat, as always, what else is new? Ohhhh somebody forgot to turn off the oven, must be Uncle Jerry. Uh oh, someone clogged the toilet, must be Uncle Jerry again! Oh, someone accidentally let the dogs out of the house and they ran away, well it must have been Uncle Jerry again! I'm so sick of this crap, every year with this. Just because I'm not a sheep like all of you people I get singled out, treated like crap, and made into a drat pariah for my beliefs. You know they audited those votes and found bamboo fibers, right? I ain't seeing no bamboo growing in Arizona, pal. So what does that tell you?
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Dec 13, 2021 16:09
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^^ This is amazing, you can feel the morning drinking energy.
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Dec 13, 2021 16:20
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goatface posted:^^ This is amazing, you can feel the morning drinking energy. Something similar happened to me as a child, where one of my cousins (who absolutely was drunk by 10 am) ate an entire bowl of stuffing under the pretense that it was "just sitting out there". This was several pounds of stuffing, a huge serving bowl.
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Dec 13, 2021 16:24
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That's sadly incredible. I'm also imagining them eating it with one of those larger wooden kitchen spoons while sitting cross-legged on the kitchen floor, caught red handed, and being like "...what?"
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Dec 13, 2021 16:35
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I don't know who took the red tumbler from the fridge but you should know that was breast milk.
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Dec 13, 2021 19:52
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Wow, whole lot of crumbs in your carpet, you must need a new vacuum! Let me just pick these crumbs up by hand here. Oh wow, this is worse than I thought, you've got some stains on this carpet. When's the last time you had a carpet cleaner come in here and do a real deep clean? Oh dear. Dear dear dear. No, it's fine, you're just ignorant of what you need to do, it happens. Especially in your generation, you're used to everything being handed to you. It's not your fault, but you do need to try and be better. Ooof, this paint is DEFINITELY going to start peeling soon. Look, if I scratch my key on your wall it starts flaking off. That's not good! Look! I've scraped up half this wall already! Hey, hon? Mike? Mike! MIKE!!!! Go get the tire iron from the car, I want to see how strong these windows are. These kids got really ripped off when they bought this house!
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Dec 13, 2021 19:58
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Bonzo posted:I don't know who took the red tumbler from the fridge but you should know that was breast milk. Gotcha. Thanks for the heads up! I'll keep an eye out. *races to the kitchen and tears open the refrigerator and cupboards, scattering the contents on the floor* So did you just bring the one or...?
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Dec 13, 2021 20:02
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I won't be joining you inside today. I discovered, much to my horror, that several of you have gotten the jab. Unfortunately, this means you are shedding a deadly bioweapon and I refuse to expose myself to this. *coughs for 2 minutes straight* Sorry, I was just at Applebee's and my allergies have been acting up ever since.
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Dec 13, 2021 20:11
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Hi everyone! Now you might notice a new face with me today. This is Stephanie, she's the 19 year old intern we just hired at work. She and I are... special friends so I wanted her to come around and meet everyone! No, Eric, your Aunt Beth isn't going to be here today with your cousins. She decided to freak out like a huge bitch when I brought up the idea of an open marriage. Now everyone, Stephanie may be basically a child but I assure you, I'll be engaging in multiple physical displays of affection with her throughout the day, just to further emphasize how young she is compared to me and how desperately I am trying to recapture my lost youth.
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Dec 13, 2021 20:28
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