quote:

I'll go right ahead and say the obvious:
I deserve this, I'm the villain, it's all my fault. I know.

But my goodness I can't handle this. I'm posting here in the hopes that someone has advice on how to win back a betrayed spouse. Back in 2001, yes 20 years ago, I was young and dumb and did something horrible. I had been with my husband (boyfriend at the time) for 5 years at that point. We grew up in the same home town, part of the same friend group as kids, and fell in love in high school. We've been together ever since.

After college, however, I got it into my head that my relationship was holding me down and stifling my self expression. My best friend Julia agreed with the sentiment. Together we'd go out clubbing, leaving our boyfriends at home. We wouldn't do anything bad, but still there was a thrill to knowing that other guys were looking at us. Well, as they say, never play with fire. The more we partied, the more Julia would want to cheat. Eventually she started making out with other guys at clubs. And I'm ashamed to say that for a few nights, I did the same: dancing with guys and kissing them.

I put a stop this after a few such incidents. I felt disgusted with myself, with her, with these strangers I was kissing, and most of all I felt horrible about cheating on the love of my life. I told her that I couldn't hang out with her anymore if she was going to continue her cheating ways. She understood and she put a stop to it as well. Of course all my moral indignation didn't give me the courage to actually fess up to what I did, so we kept it out secret.

Skip 20 years later.

I've hence married that boyfriend, and he's my husband now. We have 4 children (18, 17, 14, 14). Over these 20 years, my best friend has practically faded out of the dating pool entirely. She has a successful business of her own, inherited from family, and she dedicates her life to running it. Her social life is essentially hanging out with me or my husband, and sometimes babysitting the kids.

Well, it turns out that she has gotten so chummy with my husband that one night, in February of this year, she had too much to drink, and she ended up letting spill our little cheating incidents back in the day. She didn't mention that I only did it 4 times, kissing 4 different guys in total. Understandably, she doesn't remember those specifics, she just remembers that she cheated for almost an entire year and remembers I was doing generally the same.

To make matters worse, she said this while my oldest son was upstairs, and my son heard everything. I was away for the weekend with our 3 other kids, visiting my parents, and my poor husband had to calm my son down while also trying to make sense of what Julia was telling him. I never knew that the night I left would be the last time the love of my life would ever kiss me.

I came home the next day and my husband sat me down and asked me point blank if I ever cheated on him. I could tell from the look in his eyes that he knew everything. I admitted that I had. He was so calm that it scared me. I was afraid for his wellbeing. He's usually so proud and charismatic and that day he just looked serene, detached from our relationship, detached from me. He told me that he wants a DNA test on all of our children, which of course I agreed to, because they're his. He's the only man I've ever slept with.

We waited for the test results for 1 week, and my son wanted nothing to do with me during this time.

When the results came back, I thought that we could finally start on rebuilding our foundation of trust. I had all the energy in the world to put into our marriage, and to show my man that I was worth his time and his love.

The day the results came back, he told me he wanted a divorce.

We have been separated since March of this year. He has purchased a condo in the downtown area of our city. My oldest 2 kids spent 100% of their time there, while my youngest twins split their time with me and with him. He refuses to go to marital counseling. Our jurisdiction has a 6 month wait before a divorce can be finalized, and that expired in October. So as if October 23rd, I'm a 42 year old divorcee with 4 kids, 2 of whom hate me, the others see me as the reason their lives were upturned.

I cut Julia out of my life. I know this wasn't her fault, I know I was the one who chose to lie and I deserve the consequences, but still I associate my life's total ruin to her. I blame her even though it doesn't make sense. And just last weekend, one of my younger kids mentioned that Julia has been sleeping over at my husband's condo. I am incensed with jealousy, and hatred for her, and anguish at this whole situation. I need to win him back. This isn't how our lives are supposed to end. We have worked so drat hard to build our home and he can't share it all with her, while I rot out here in the cold.

Even the thought of calling him my "ex" makes me want to shrivel up and disappear.

quote:

Well, I did something I never thought I'd do. I unblocked Julia and reached out to her. We set up a time to meet for coffee at my mom's house when the place would be empty. We spoke for hours, though I can't say that it was like old times. I found myself stuck with a tenseness in my stomach. I realize I still hate her for what she did, I'll never be able to let loose with her like I once did, and that's a reality I have to accept. Anyway, reiterate the facts as she has told them.

What were her intentions in telling my husband about my cheating?

It was purely a drunken mistake, with no real rhyme or reason behind it. She doesn't even remember it happening, she just remembers my oldest son being very short with her the next morning and my husband later explaining what she had said.

How did she behave with my husband after the revelation?

My husband cut her off a day or so after I did. He did this because a few days after the incident, via text, she tried to convince him that she was drunk/confused. But this happened after he had confronted me, so he knew that it was the truth she had spilled. He wanted space from her, because he associated her to all of my lies.

How did she get back in touch with him after he blocked her?

He didn't block her, he just told her to not contact him again. She promised to keep her distance from him and the kids. Three months later, she reached out to him again because she has been getting help with her alcohol abuse, and she wanted to apologize for all the harm she did. After that conversation, they kept in touch.

Why is she spending nights at his place?

She's been finding it hard to stay at home alone during winter because of her old drinking habits, and wanted some company. She sleeps in the guest bedroom and obviously they don't drink together or anything. She apologized for the confusion it caused my twin daughters.

I allowed myself to feel hopeful here.
They're not together. This wasn't some grand conspiracy for her to steal him away. I still have a chance.

But I had to make sure.

Did she ever sleep with him?

Yes. After the divorce finalized, they hooked up a few times to let off steam. She insisted that I shouldn't worry because they never tried to pursue a relationship. There's way too much resentment and baggage for it to work, and she doesn't think she's his type.

There it is. I cried when she admitted this. She cried and apologized. I must have told her that I hated her a thousand times. I really do hate her. I hate her more than I thought was possible. She knows how much I love him. She knows how much I need him. And yet she still manages to knock things over and out of place no matter how it hurts me. I told her to get out after that. I haven't blocked her again. She wants to be back in my life. But there's no chance in hell I ever want to lay my eyes on her if she's sleeping with the man I love. I know some women can swallow their pride and do it, but I can't.

So that's where I'm at.

At least they're not in love or running off to get married. I tell myself that he's just using her to try to fill a hole in his heart. I tell myself that "letting off steam" is not how anyone would describe meaningful sex. It's a physical reaction to stress and circumstance. But then I remember what she said about her not being his type. I wish I asked her if she's dating now, or if he has his eyes on someone. I wish I wrote down notes on what I wanted to learn and express instead of just going in unprepared. My emotions got the best of me and now I'm here weeping again until my body hurts from exhaustion.

This hasn't helped my obsession with the prospect of him moving on.
All this meeting has done is humble me at the thought of him and her making love.

I can't let this go on. I need to get him back before he falls in love with someone else. Given the new information I've learned, does anyone have advice on what to do?

TLDR
Original post:
Best friend and I cheated on our boyfriends 20 years ago. I married my boyfriend, and 20 years later, my best friend admitted to my husband what we did. My husband has divorced me now, after 6 months of separation. I've just received news that my best friend has been sleeping over at his condo. I have to win him back. I can't let this be the end of our love story.

Update:
Unblocked best friend and talked to her. She insists she didn't spill my secret intentionally. She isn't in a relationship with my husband. But she admitted to having sex with him after divorce finalized. She mentioned that she isn't his type, which makes me wonder if he's about to enter the dating scene again. I'm burning with jealousy at the thought of that.

quote:

I (21F) had a little fun after a night of drinking with a guy who i’ll call “Tim” (21M) who happens to be close friends with my roommate. Just to clarify, the 2 of them do not have any romantic interest in one another. Him and I have hooked up before but he’s not really someone i’m very interested in… it pretty much boils down to a drunken hookup and nothing more. Anyways, after we were done I got up to go to the bathroom and saw a stain on my sheets. I just said out loud without much thought oh I must’ve gotten my period (it had ended earlier that day and sometimes it’s normal for it to reappear I guess). and TOUCHED the spot. not sure what went through my head to do that. Tim responds “that’s not your period” and I honestly didn’t really know what that meant. While I was in the bathroom I realized it wasn’t my period and went to go wash my hands when I suddenly smelled something disgusting. To my dismay I look down and there is poop on my wrist and the back of my hand. I’m not good at staying calm usually- but I was so shocked I was unable to fabricate words.

I come back into my bedroom and all of the sheets are in my hamper. Again, silent with disbelief I double checked the bed to make sure it was clear and just laid down. We exchanged zero words. But as i’m laying in my bed with my body shoved as far into the corner as it can go with an extra blanket covering my face to mask the smell of a grown man who poo poo his pants, I ran though a few options:

ask him to leave immediately and wash my body and sheets profusely asap

get up without saying anything and sleep on my couch

do absolutely nothing and force myself to sleep until this situation goes away

I can’t believe i’m saying this but I was experiencing such bad second hand embarrassment that I chose option 3. It was painful to say the least. However, I woke up in the morning and he was gone.

Here’s where it gets worse…. I check my sheets in the hamper and obviously see the poop that I had encountered that night. But, I also see my beautiful white personalized pottery barn towels COVERED in poo poo. So I assume he wiped his poop rear end all over them while I was in the bathroom. I posted this to my private snapchat with my very close friends and also found out he has done this to multiple people. A serial pooper. My roommate told me I shouldn’t tell people or ask him to pay for the sheets and towels he ruined but I feel really disrespected and violated and don’t see how I can ease my mind without confronting the situation. On the other hand, I understand he must feel embarrassed and the thought of having this conversation with someone is terrifying. Do I just forget and move on?

edit: Hi! thank you all for the advice and outlooks on this situation. this has really opened my eyes to so many possibilities. also, the attention this is getting is so crazy to me because this isn’t even in my top 5 most straight-out-of-a-movie haha

quote:

Over Thanksgiving, my parents came to visit me (M26), California, for a few weeks. This is the first time they have visited California and met my live-in girlfriend (f24)

My parents are brash people. They are sometimes demanding.

I informed my live-in girlfriend they were coming back out for Christmas. My girlfriend asked if I would talk to them about my parent's behavior. How they treat waitstaff (complained about mask and vaccine requirements and how they act in restaurants)

She then complained about how my mom acted towards retail employees. She says another lady has a 25% coupon off on Black Friday, and my mom just asked if she could have one too. She didn’t back down until she got a manager to give her the same deal.

My girlfriend worked throughout retail college and said it’s wrong how my parents act.

I said that’s just how they are.

My girlfriend called me an enabler of entitled behavior.

My parents believe in getting their money worth and the best deal. That’s ok.

My girlfriend said they acted like spoiled toddlers.

I got mad and said, this is my home too, and my parents deserve to spend Christmas with me. Their son.

My girlfriend said, fine. She broke up with me, saying she couldn’t imagine a future with my parents and me.

Not only did she break up, but she’s also now moving out. Right now!

I can’t afford the place by myself, and it’s a one-bedroom apartment.

My girlfriend said she didn’t care. She’s not spending time with my parents for Christmas. She doesn’t want to be around them, and she’s not even going to have a conversation about it.

She said I could move back home with them. Toxic people aren’t her responsibility.

I feel like she overreacted, but she’s not backing down.

She said the relationship is over, and there’s no future in us being together.

I’m like, my parents aren’t that bad of a people for us to break up over.

She said my enabler attitude just showed her life if we chose to get married and build a family together.

She doesn’t want that for herself.

Honestly, I’m just so blindsided by this, and I don’t know how to process this.

Our lease is up in January, and instead of renewing it, I have to find a place to live.

I don’t even know how to explain this to my parents. They will be here next week.

quote:

I was stating why my parents could have acted the way they did. I had a hard time adjusting when I moved out here.

My girlfriend is from here, so she has the whole snowflake valley girl personality.

It’s hypocritical to care about some stranger's feelings over my parents or even mine.

They wanted to see me for Christmas. I wanted to see them. My girlfriend goes crazy and makes them out to be evil people. Saying she won’t host them in our home again.

quote:

You all like I abused my girlfriend or my parents did. She broke up because she didn't like how my parents treated people.

I told her they were fish out of water here. Retail and restaurant staff make good money in California. The minimum wage is $15 an hour.

These aren’t people making $7.50 like they do in my parent's state.

My parents struggled too with things like high sales tax, tipping when the servers already make so much. Mask and vaccine mandates. And you have to pay 10¢ for a grocery bag here.

My parents felt culture shock. My girlfriend didn’t even care. It was just as hard for my parents to adjust to California laws as my girlfriend trying to adjust to them.

She seems to forget that. People live differently. She was being entitled, thinking that everyone should act friendly like her or walk on eggshells for customers service staff.

California retail and restaurant staff are more entitled than their southern counterparts and shouldn’t expect to be babied.

My girlfriend shouldn’t expect to be babied when something hurts her mental health.

If she cared, she could have sucked it up so I could spend Christmas with my parents. Something I haven’t got to do because of Covid.

quote:

I, 36 male and my wife, 24 female (emily) have been struggling with money for a while now and are behind on our mortgage. And on top of that we have a baby on the way. My wife's mom passed away a a few months ago and it was really hard on her because emily was really exited for her mom to meet the baby. However, emily got passed down her great great grandmother's wedding ring from her mom that is now worth 10 grand. It could help us out with our mortgage and I have been telling her but she says that it's a very important family heirloom and that she wants to keep it to pass down to our soon to be daughter. I know how much this ring means to her but I don't think she's being very logical in this situation. We need the money and she's just sitting there with a 10 thousand dollar ring on her finger. Once her fingers started swelling she started to put it on a ring holder because she didn't want to ruin the ring by having to cut it off. I took this as an opportunity to do the right thing. One night I took the ring while she was sleeping and drove out to a pawn shop and the guy told me it was worth at least 10,800 dollars so I sold it. I came back home with an envelope full of money thinking that the next morning my wife would be glad that we now have some extra money, but I was wrong. The next morning she was looking for her ring panicking, and she asked me if I had seen it I told her what I did and showed her the money. She asked me if I actually did it and I nodded. She bursted into tears and started yelling at me and saying how much of an rear end in a top hat I was and how important that ring was to her. I tried to explain how much the ring money would help, but she continued crying. She's been crying for the past 3 days and won't speak to me. Her entire family is furious with me and keeps calling me and rear end in a top hat. So reddit, AITA for selling my wife's ring or did I do the right thing?

Evil Willow posted:

Good golly miss molly I hate this man.

AITA For selling my wife's family heirloom?

Evil Willow posted:

Good golly miss molly I hate this man.

AITA For selling my wife's family heirloom?

Mx. posted:

"my parents who you hate are coming to stay with us for two weeks in our one-bedroom apartment wait why are you going YOU loving SNOWFLAKE"

OP posted:

They stayed with us for about 2 weeks in November. She said she couldn’t deal with them staying another 2 weeks in December and January.

She said it had hurt her mental health to be around them.

I don’t even know how to respond to something like that. She’s treating my parents like they are evil people.

quote:

Hey all. I’m from Florida and recently my uncle has been pestering me about the fact I don’t have a gas stove because they’re “more powerful”. So he took it upon himself to come to my house while I was at work, take the oven back to his garage, do a variety of “upgrades” to the wiring, and it ended up scorching most of my kitchen upon using it. Home owners insurance is refusing to cover the damage due to this being a negligent fire.

This was not consensual and I did not agree to this work being done. Do I have a case against him? Thanks.

Rust Martialis posted:

No loving way that's not bait

trickybiscuits posted:

My [42F] best friend [42F] told my husband [44M] I cheated, and he's leaving

UPDATE: My [42F] best friend [42F] told my husband [44M] I cheated, he's leaving

This is a train wreck

eta: sorry for the lengthy posts, I'll try to stick to succinct stuff for a while

quote:

I’m not going to sound repentant here, because I honestly don’t believe I’m in the wrong (and much as it’s driving me crazy, I also think it’s pretty funny). But at the same time, I’m being written up at work for this - and I’d like to hear some outside opinions before I go into my HR meeting in case I’m blinded by my feelings and what I actually need is a slap back to reality.

So to give some clarity, I have the sort of name that has several common shortened versions - think Samantha/Sammy/Sam. And my entire life, people have insisted on being too familiar and shortening it against my wishes. I only ever introduce myself as ‘Samantha’, sign off all my emails as Samantha, and insist on it when people ask what I prefer. I think Sammy is too young-sounding for me, and growing up I knew another Sam who was a real piece of work, so I hate being called by that name.

Despite this, there seems to be an office obsession with shortening names (we even have an employee called Ian… who gets called ‘I’ for short, no one is safe here). There isn’t a single person here who calls me Samantha, despite repeated requests. I’ve only won the battle with one person, who took the hint after I started calling him Jonathan instead of his preferred Jon. He asked if he was in trouble since only his mother calls him Jonathan, and I told him that I thought we were playing a game of getting each other’s names wrong… He now calls me the right name, so success!

Now, here’s where I may have taken it a little too far. One of my colleagues is a manager (not my personal manager, but we cross paths on the office floor a lot), and he INSISTS on calling me Sam. It drives me crazy, and I’m pretty sure he knows it. His oversight? His name is Richard, so I’ve been casually calling him Dick all week. It’s a valid shortened version of his name. And when he’s objected, I’ve reminded him that I’m Samantha and not Sam.

I had such high hopes for progress… but instead I’ve earned myself a meeting with HR. Before I go in to plead my case next week, I’d really like to know if I’ve taken things too far this time around or whether I’m not wrong for digging my heels in.

Mx. posted:

AITA if I confront a guy for making GBS threads my bed after sex?

value-brand cereal posted:

So he's the loving nutjob who thinks she's tainted, and her friend is a lunatic who wants to gently caress her best friend's husband. A very sad mess.

packetmantis posted:

What the hell is this? You'd be fine with your spouse making out with random strangers?

WoodrowSkillson posted:

The husband and the best friend were already cheating, and stages this to make it seem justified.

packetmantis posted:

What the hell is this? You'd be fine with your spouse making out with random strangers?

WoodrowSkillson posted:

The husband and the best friend were already cheating, and stages this to make it seem justified.

Hughlander posted:

AITA for letting my parents visit me?


OP

OP

You can take the rear end in a top hat out of the red-state but...

teen witch posted:

PetraCore posted:

It sounds like they both had a lot of personal stuff going on and Jess just noticed OP a lot more than OP noticed her and got into a cycle of comparing herself negatively to OP. Like OP probably was a raging rear end in a top hat to Jess sometimes but it sounds like she was a raging rear end in a top hat to everyone?

I don't even know what she can do about it, like, idk if it would come off as blame dodging for OP to go 'I was never involved with that guy, and I'm really sorry you were struggling with an ED, I was struggling with one myself.' Like the thing is memory is a lot more subjective than people think and it's very possible OP made some heinous comments about Jess that hit right in her weak spot she genuinely doesn't remember making.

quote:

Just some context before I state my problem. I am Asian, ethnically chinese to be exact. I am a second generation immigrant in the US. I grew up helping my mother do chores since I was 3/4 years old. Just basic things around the house , at the age you can't do the "heavy work" any way.

Me and my husband are an interracial couple who met in college and we have a 4 y/o child. Ever since my daughter was two I have been teaching her basic upkeep of the house. She enjoys sweeping (we sweep together) she has a little broom. I do the chores with her. Whatever she does I do with her so , so it is communal and I also guide her on how to do it right. As of now some of her daily duties are wiping windows , and some mopping here and there along with folding bedsheets,cleaning up her toys, cleaning the toilet(along with me) etc. We try to keep a schedule and follow it everyday. This is also something my husband supports and he also feels that it is an essential skill to learn since young.

Everything was fine until my husband's parents recently came to visit and they were "appalled" by my daughter helping me scrub the dishes after we we were done eating. They were not pleased with me for tasking her with cleaning up duties and we had a discourse over it. I had tried to explain to them that this is part of my daughter's daily enrichment and it is also to instill tidiness and its' values since young e.g (when she leaves the home and has a family of her own). They believe that my daughter should ONLY be having playtime and is often known to coddle her too much. While I respect my MIL and FIL's input I do not appreciate them wanting to dictate how I raise my daughter. Husband defended me but when they left told me to reconsider if housekeeping was necessary for her to learn at this age. I was pretty bummed out after this and I am confused on whether I am the rear end in a top hat for wanting to teach her basic cleanliness skills something that I myself was brought up with.

Fatty posted:

There's also the fact a specialist hospital is likely to be in a major city. Why not spend some time exploring this far away city he's never been to?

Cowslips Warren posted:

AITA for making my 4 y/o help me with household chores?

OP did mention in later comments she would teach a son the same things. Honestly for little kids, even sweeping can be a game for them.

Cowslips Warren posted:

I actually ran into a person who was horrible to me in high school, but she either didn't remember it, or thought I didn't, because she was rather nice and chatty and not at all the bitch she had been years back. It's possible that I remember her being worse than she was, or that she simply forgot how horrible she was, or a combo of both. But seeing as I was in a customer service slot and she was the customer, she easily could have made my life horrible, and didn't.




AITA for making my 4 y/o help me with household chores?

OP did mention in later comments she would teach a son the same things. Honestly for little kids, even sweeping can be a game for them. And they don't understand that putting toys away is a chore and not a game, if you do it right. Set a timer, play some music, have them run about putting everything in baskets, little kids love that.

Invisible Clergy posted:

Demand replacement $ for mattress, sheets, towels, etc. If he gives it, great. If he balks, say if he does, you won't tell anyone he is a serial premeditated bedshitter and towel fouler. If you get money, great, either way, tell everyone he knows because there's no way a serial bedshitter can successfully pass themselves off as a victim.

B-Rock452 posted:

For dishes I will just keep handing my 2 year old the same baby spoon and she goes and puts it away while I clean other stuff, then sneak it out and hand it back to her.

B-Rock452 posted:

My two and 4 year old will have actual meltdowns if they don't get to help clean. For dishes I will just keep handing my 2 year old the same baby spoon and she goes and puts it away while I clean other stuff, then sneak it out and hand it back to her. And my 4 year old loves using our vacuum to clean up after they eat.

Ghost Leviathan posted:

Kids like being useful. Especially if they actually are taught what to do and how to do it.

Brawnfire posted:

My kid will make us a pot of coffee if we don't stop her.

Like, literally stop her, and talk her down. She'll argue with us, it's time to make a pot of coffee. No, me and mommy have had enough coffee, you don't even drink coffee why do you care so much