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crispix posted:i keep a sledgehammer i once used for fence posts under my bed in case any ne'erdowells break in till my place of a night I keep a hatchet in my hallway because of various feuding neighbours used to like smacking each other on their doorsteps. When a painter/decorater came round he asked me about it and then nodded sagely as I explained and said it was a good idea, living where I do. Never had to use it. Probably because everyone knew I kept a hatchet by my front door to greet any grumpy callers.
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Dec 26, 2021 19:43
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i live in a nice enough area but i've that and a big two hand axe because you just never know old brick in a sock under the car seat too 
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Dec 26, 2021 19:49
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Baseball bat with a sock on the end
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Dec 26, 2021 20:06
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crispix posted:i keep a sledgehammer i once used for fence posts under my bed in case any ne'erdowells break in till my place of a night I keep my sledgehammer (along with other garden implements) hidden in the hallway and as i'm somewhat of an untidy hoarder i have other bits and pieces throughout the house.  No point using my bow though, takes me near ten minutes to get it assembled and that would be premeditation if bad stuff happened.
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Dec 26, 2021 20:07
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i figure if i just wield them very menacingly-like and gee them a bit of the old crazy-eyes, the baddies will run off, all a-scared like
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Dec 26, 2021 20:14
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I’ve assessed which of the lamps would be best wielded. Feels better then having a weapon specifically if anything did happen and I had to defend myself legally.
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Dec 26, 2021 20:15
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crispix posted:old brick in a sock under the car seat too Couldn't that get you into trouble if you did have to use it in self defense. Having an improvised weapon where the items used aren't used stored in cars may make it look you were out for a fight. gently caress knows if its true but I heard the taxi drivers in Belfast carry a pointy long screwdriver in their driver seat pocket for their own protection. If in trouble in the car or outside, easy to grab, stab stab stab, and 'I grabbed the nearest thing I had in my car y'honor' excuse.
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Dec 26, 2021 20:15
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it's mainly there in case there is a zombie apocalypse that breaks out on my way to or from work 
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Dec 26, 2021 20:19
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Ah, pleading insanity.
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Dec 26, 2021 20:22
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Just watched Shaun the Sheep with my nephew. That is god tier childrens tv. Merry Xmas you lot (I maybe a few beers in)
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Dec 26, 2021 20:28
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I was once privy to a conversation between two Teaching Assistants who were talking about the array of implements they had around their bedrooms that they could 'just happen' to use in the event their house was broken into. The aluminium baseball bat under the bed seemed the most reasonable to the two of them (although hard to argue against premeditation there). Hatchet and hammer were on the list as well. I feel like if you're going down that route, you may as well have a mister filled with bleach, or an improvised flamethrower.
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Dec 26, 2021 20:31
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happyhippy posted:gently caress knows if its true but I heard the taxi drivers in Belfast carry a pointy long screwdriver in their driver seat pocket for their own protection. 
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Dec 26, 2021 20:34
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I've got one of those old chonky maglights like what mulder and sculley use
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Dec 26, 2021 20:36
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Do they still do those giant flashlights with 4x D cells? Heard they were popular in the states for the "it was just my flashlight your honour!" defense when some would be mugger is clubbed halfway to death with it. E.fb
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Dec 26, 2021 20:38
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You can buy a replacement LED bulb for them these days too so they're actually useful
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Dec 26, 2021 20:40
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Z the IVth posted:Do they still do those giant flashlights with 4x D cells? Heard they were popular in the states for the "it was just my flashlight your honour!" defense when some would be mugger is clubbed halfway to death with it. I picked up one of the old 6 D cell maglites in a clearance sale once. Now that was something that was obviously designed as a club first, and a torch as an afterthought. I found it in the back of a wardrobe a few months ago. It eats batteries for breakfast, and gives out about the same amount of light as my modern AA LED torch.
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Dec 26, 2021 20:43
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Catzilla posted:Just watched Shaun the Sheep with my nephew. That is god tier childrens tv. Merry Xmas you lot (I maybe a few beers in) It’s a brilliant film. Absolutely superb. I keep my hammer in my underwear drawer. I read once that hammers are ideal weapons for self-defence: effective at close range, need no training, and whatever you hit will hurt. Made sense to me.
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Dec 26, 2021 20:53
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Little spray bottles of deep heat fit perfectly in pockets and bags and are ideal for any emergency pulled muscles. Just make sure you avoid spraying it in anyone's face.
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Dec 26, 2021 20:54
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Dec 26, 2021 20:56
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Jakabite posted:I’ve assessed which of the lamps would be best wielded. Feels better then having a weapon specifically if anything did happen and I had to defend myself legally. Those pull-up bars have a legitimate use while also being 2ft of steel pipe 
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Dec 26, 2021 20:56
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As i'm lazy and my toilet is downstairs i use an empty Comfort bottle in the middle of the night (tmi sorry)... and if near capacity any intruder is going to get four litres of stale urine poured of them from a great height. 
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Dec 26, 2021 21:05
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The handles from my dumbbell set are a couple of kilos, short, & easy to wield What I do is, put some weights on both ends & get strong & not worry about this mad poo poo
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Dec 26, 2021 21:06
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Just Another Lurker posted:As i'm lazy and my toilet is downstairs i use an empty Comfort bottle in the middle of the night (tmi sorry)... and if near capacity any intruder is going to get four litres of stale urine poured of them from a great height. That's some serious gooning right there
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Dec 26, 2021 21:15
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Realtalk almost all burglaries are either desperation, opportunism or professional gangs who will never hit an occupied house because that's dumb. You can't defend against the latter two, and the first one is gonna be somebody terrified & probably armed, the only time burglaries turn into murders is when someone tries to stop them from escaping so the best defence is to very loudly make it clear that they can just hop over the back fence into an alley & nobody will see them, it's fine
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Dec 26, 2021 21:17
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Skarsnik posted:I've got one of those old chonky maglights like what mulder and sculley use Maglite continue to make the D-cell models, even though the rest of their line now has lithium cells, at the request of US and US-trained law-enforcement because they're extremely useful melee weapons - if you've ever wondered why cops hold them in that weird way where they rest the end on their shoulder with their left hand holding the reflector it's because it's much quicker to hit someone over the head with them[1]. The design also provides a very handy hiding place for bribes and contraband, with fairly large voids behind the reflector at one end and in the cap behind the spring at the other, and the slop around the cells themselves being very handy for notes.[2] [1] Of course this is *specifically* forbidden by their training, so they never actually do it, and the fact that Maglite D6 orders went right up when US plod started to change from the traditional nightstick to the collapsible baton is entirely coincidental. [2] Of course this is *specifically* etc etc
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Dec 26, 2021 21:24
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Pub wisdom so take it with a pinch of salt, but I've heard having a specific "welcome stick" can actually end up working against a plea of self-defence because it shows a degree of premeditation. I do know you can get charged with going equipped and/or possession of an offensive weapon if you do have anything that could be used as a weapon within easy reach in your car and you happen to piss off the wrong copper. Also a sledgehammer makes a *terrible* self-defence weapon, especially in close quarters. Take the head off though and the handle makes an *extremely* useful tool for all sorts of things.
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Dec 26, 2021 21:30
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goddamnedtwisto posted:Also a sledgehammer makes a *terrible* self-defence weapon, especially in close quarters. Take the head off though and the handle makes an *extremely* useful tool for all sorts of things. Hence the pick axe or mattock handle as the heads of those tools tend to be held on by friction or gravity so it’s very easy to pop them off when needed.
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Dec 26, 2021 21:40
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I have a chain bike lock if it's ever needed in service of anything other than securing my bike, but I don't keep it under my bed or whatever, because frankly if someone gets the drop on you while you're asleep then you ain't going to get a chance to do poo poo with it.
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Dec 26, 2021 21:45
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https://twitter.com/MentalHeadline/status/1475196851901108236
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Dec 26, 2021 21:48
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Just Another Lurker posted:As i'm lazy and my toilet is downstairs i use an empty Comfort bottle in the middle of the night (tmi sorry)... and if near capacity any intruder is going to get four litres of stale urine poured of them from a great height. 
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Dec 26, 2021 21:50
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 Merica!Wonder if having one of those to brain any burglars would constitute premeditation.
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Dec 26, 2021 21:52
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Doctor_Fruitbat posted:I have a chain bike lock if it's ever needed in service of anything other than securing my bike, but I don't keep it under my bed or whatever, because frankly if someone gets the drop on you while you're asleep then you ain't going to get a chance to do poo poo with it. I know I've told this story before but my brother was awoken in the night by a burglar (who'd got in through the unlocked front door) tripping over his dog. He did in fact have a welcome stick but it was next to the door, with the burglar between him an it, so he just grabbed the first thing that came to hand as he jumped out of bed. The burglar fled, pursued by my brother screaming the Cockney warcry of "COMEONTHENYOUCUNT", and it was only when the adrenaline wore off that he realised he was running bollock-naked down Old Street waving a shoe-spreader over his head. I'm fairly sure this had a stronger deterrent effect than any amount of Tough On Crime buzzwords.
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Dec 26, 2021 21:53
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I have come to terms with the belief that I would probably just immediately capitulate to an intruder instead of entertaining an idea of slaying them with a broomstick
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Dec 26, 2021 21:54
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My own improvised weapon/personal defence story is somewhat less magnificent - I was 15, my parents were on holiday so I had the house to myself. Laying in bed around midnight, reading[1], and the lights suddenly dimmed. I didn't think anything of it - you know sometimes when you're tired you don't even notice that your eyes are closing. Then it happened again. Only a tiny amount, but a definite step down in brightness. And again, and again, and again. The TV clicked off on the next dimming. In the silence I could hear other appliances turning themselves off one by one each time the lights got dimmer. Then... pop. Total darkness, total silence... except for a loud buzzing coming from the top of the stairs. I knew instantly what it must have been. Someone was drilling out the lock to the top door (a fire exit on the first floor). They'd hosed with the electrics to render me blind and helpless, and were now breaking in. But I had home advantage - I knew the layout of my house off by heart and in the darkness I could catch them by surprise. I needed a weapon though, so grabbed the best thing I knew I could reliably locate in the dark - my genuine Les Paul copy (a present from aforementioned naked vigilante brother, as it happens). A loving *terrible* instrument but a good solid 10 kilos of mahogany with a convenient handle on it. I grabbed it, moved as quietly as possible to the bottom of the stairs, and knowing that only offence could defend me now, held the guitar over my head and sprinted up the stairs trying to sound as much like 20 people as I could. It was as I reached the 4th stair from the top I remembered my cat liked to sleep on the third stair from the top and tried to hurdle it (because I know me in my pants screaming obscenities and wielding an offensive guitar wouldn't be anything like enough to get him off the step over the central heating pipes), tripped over the top step, and landed face-first on the top landing, cracking the bog door with the top of my head and almost ending up with the guitar in a position that they'd have never, ever believed at A&E. It was while I lay there contemplating mortality and the vulnerability of the position I was now in vis-a-vis the gang of cannibals that were definitely breaking into the house that I realised the source of the noise was literally staring me in the face - the electric toothbrush sitting in its charger, which somehow had been turned on by the weird brownout-then-blackout. [1] No, seriously, just reading a book. I know I said I was 15 and had the house to myself but I'd had the house to myself for a week and was already clinically zinc-deprived.
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Dec 26, 2021 22:08
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Coming out of a pub in Englefield Green one night very many moons ago, a couple of guys were waiting outside and attacked my boyfriend while a third held me back. Luckily, I had a copy of Mathematical Physics by Eugene Butkov in my large handbag and managed to beat them off.
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Dec 26, 2021 22:16
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We had a scare like that. Our house was a small terraced house, and the whole family was in the living room watching TV. Then we heard creaks from the landing upstairs, and this went back and forth into one of the bedrooms. No lights upstairs at all. I was the oldest, and mum said I should go up and see who it is. I called up and nothing. Then a sudden flurry or movement. Then I could see the two eyes looking at me, it was a loving cat. Perfectly black cat, in near pitch black darkness, the eyes reflecting in just that perfect way. Somehow it jumped through an upstairs window and didn't know where to go. My brother and his wife actually did get burgled, and the robbers must have been a foot away from them both. They didn't notice anything missing until next morning, my brother had a laptop bag filled with work books and he couldn't find it. When he gave up and when to work he saw the bag upended and everything thrown out in the alleyway beside the house. It was then they figured out that while they were watching TV the night before, someone had come in from the back door which was open, and quietly stole all they could. They locked the back door when they went to bed, but didn't notice poo poo was missing, so it must have happened while they were awake and in the next room as the kitchen. They took the laptop bag, a jar of loose change, and some worthless tat used to decorate the kitchen. And dumped the bag when they found out there was nothing of use to sell.
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Dec 26, 2021 22:25
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Borrovan posted:Realtalk almost all burglaries are either desperation, opportunism or professional gangs who will never hit an occupied house because that's dumb. You can't defend against the latter two, and the first one is gonna be somebody terrified & probably armed, the only time burglaries turn into murders is when someone tries to stop them from escaping so the best defence is to very loudly make it clear that they can just hop over the back fence into an alley & nobody will see them, it's fine The only time anybody has tried to break in while I've been at home was when I was living in a shared house in my early 20s . Everybody else was out while I was hiding in my room playing computer games. They hosed off as soon as they realised the house was occupied, so quickly that I never even saw them. Probably a good thing, as it prevented the younger me doing something stupid with my homemade weapon of choice. I doubt I would have been able to come up with a valid excuse for having half a spade handle with 3/4lb of sheet lead wrapped and nailed to the end.
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Dec 26, 2021 22:26
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stev posted:Yeah it's a pretty ridiculous statement and sounds like he's never been close to an alcoholic (maybe he read some facts about them). I'd add that although weight/appearance can be deceptive the man can't be much more than 14st even accounting for his height. The thing with food addiction is you have to eat, so it's a psychological nightmare if you get stuck into a pattern of addictive behaviour. Binge eating junk food can absolutely destroy your mental and physical health in a very short time.
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Dec 26, 2021 22:36
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Jaeluni Asjil posted:Coming out of a pub in Englefield Green one night very many moons ago, a couple of guys were waiting outside and attacked my boyfriend while a third held me back. Luckily, I had a copy of Mathematical Physics by Eugene Butkov in my large handbag and managed to beat them off. Did your boyfriend not mind you beating off three men outside a pub?
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Dec 26, 2021 22:42
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Convex posted:The thing with food addiction is you have to eat, so it's a psychological nightmare if you get stuck into a pattern of addictive behaviour. Binge eating junk food can absolutely destroy your mental and physical health in a very short time. I had bought mince pies, shortbread and other stuff to keep me going over xmas, promised myself i would pace myself.... ate the whole bloody lot and nothing lasted even to xmas eve.  I know better and should never had bought it but the voice says ''go on'' and you do. Now that it's gone i have no urge to run out and buy more, it's done.... minds are weird.
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Dec 26, 2021 22:50
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