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https://twitter.com/HamillHimself/status/1482800051126689793
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Jan 29, 2022 01:28
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| # ? Jun 7, 2024 19:43 |
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Crime pays am I right
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Jan 29, 2022 01:33
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once you get used to the boss leaving audiologs all over the place this job ain't so bad. weird thing is that I hear all of them leave audiologs all over the place. for what purpose? I can only figure it's a sex thing and batman gets off on listening to how zsazz describe how he posed a corpse while swinging around the city. like he can only cum if he's going 90 in the batmobile and penguin's podcast about the history and business of commercial fishing is playing on the stereo. meanwhile zsazz and penguin and the rest of them they get off on knowing that the bat's listening to them ramble on about how their alphabet soup spelled out "kill mom" or how many live chickens they can fit in their mouth or how expensive it is to run a themed crime operation
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Jan 29, 2022 02:01
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nuketulsa posted:Crime pays am I right POssibly, but not crime doesn't pay so what choice do we have?
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Jan 29, 2022 02:21
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Outrail posted:POssibly, but not crime doesn't pay so what choice do we have? I am hoping my Etsy shop takes off.
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Jan 29, 2022 02:51
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Everyone hates Wayne, and for good reason, but you know which rich gently caress I hate the most? Lex Fuckin Luthor. When the Bat went with all the other fruitcakes to set up their little boyscout club in the sky it should have been a golden fuckin age for Henchmen. Chances are the Bat and everyone else were gonna be too busy to care about anything but some of the Boss's more deadly ideas. Imagine robbing a bank or moving stolen goods at night and knowing you'll get away with it every time. The GCPD couldn't stop a fuckin stray dog those days without calling in caped help. And hell, I even wished the Bat luck fighting off the commie aliens or ro-bots or whatever. I ain't want to be invaded by no commie aliens and ro-bots. Then Lex Fuckin' Luthor decides he's gonna create his own private little club and invites all the best paying villains to join. the catch, of course being... No Henchmen. None. Three-fourths of Gotham's hardworking thug population out on their rear end overnight. Penguin and Twoface hired a few more on their crew but they were picky as hell. I barely got a shot to be in Penguin's crew and got the boot a day later when I gagged a little watching him eat a live fish raw. The Mafia was doing fine, but if I had the connections to join them I wouldn't be working for the Joker, now would I? A couple of our guys tried contacting Luthor and pitching the idea of hiring us on to do whatever. We were desperate, we'd have been willing to do anything to stay in the game. You know what Luthor did? You know what that mother FUCKER did? He called the goddamn feds on us. Acted like he was some sorta proper citizen being blackmailed by our gang. What kind of fuckin villain does that? So yeah, gently caress that narc Luthor, never gave a poo poo about the little guy. Outrail posted:What happened to the bonsai monster? Think it's feuding with Scarface now. Something to do with each one thinking the other's an unnatural horror. I dunno, I hope they kill eachother.
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Jan 29, 2022 02:58
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^^ Really? I heard Bruce Wayne offered the bonsai a job at Wayne Enterprises. You've got an Etsy shop too? Mine's doing great business. What I do is find a good reason to be elsewhere when the Bat is most likely to strike the gang -- you know, like when it's time to pick up the shipment at the docks -- then come back after he's hit the gang and grab all the stuff I can. I just sold a belt made out of Batrope with a Batarang as a belt buckle for $1900! People ask about the authenticity but there are certain ways to prove it's the real thing. (I'm not giving away all my secrets here, though.) Only problem is I'm running out of good reasons to be absent and I think I'm about to get whacked as a stool pigeon
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Jan 29, 2022 02:59
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The Voice of Labor posted:once you get used to the boss leaving audiologs all over the place this job ain't so bad. weird thing is that I hear all of them leave audiologs all over the place. for what purpose? I can only figure it's a sex thing and batman gets off on listening to how zsazz describe how he posed a corpse while swinging around the city. like he can only cum if he's going 90 in the batmobile and penguin's podcast about the history and business of commercial fishing is playing on the stereo. meanwhile zsazz and penguin and the rest of them they get off on knowing that the bat's listening to them ramble on about how their alphabet soup spelled out "kill mom" or how many live chickens they can fit in their mouth or how expensive it is to run a themed crime operation The bosses are tryin' to break into da ADSR game. Penguin's lip smacking sounds gimmie da brain tinglies.
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Jan 29, 2022 04:14
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The reason I'm working for a 'rogues gallery' sort is because it's better than being your average criminal on the streets. Check this out: My friend, he was boosting parked cars in a lot at night, stealing convertors, batteries, all sorts of stuff like that. The cops catch him on a CURFEW VIOLATION and if he gets out of the ICU from all the bullets they put in him, he's going to be doing about 20 years in prison. Me? I've been arrested like 20-30 times working Joker Crew, another 10 times working the Two-Face Crew, a few times on Catwoman Crew. I have a colorful (well, muted colors, at least) disguise and I'm treated like royalty. I've not done a stint more than 2-3 months in my entire career. You know what I was doing? Actual terrorism. I mean, poisoning water supplies, assisted in the robbery of the 2nd National Bank, kidnapped a steel heiress, etc. Cops see someone in Batman Villain colors? They just turn their cars around and keep on driving because they're scared of the Gotham Costumed Crowd. The only times I've ever seen the cops in Gotham do anything to someone in a costume is when someone thinks "The Bat's finally gone too far" and they'll finally put out the effort to take one of these loons in town down. On that note, Batman can 'resist arrest' all he wants, that's fine. Buddy of mine took a bit too long to fish out his expired Driver's License? Oh, that's a resisting charge!
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Jan 29, 2022 08:51
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*inhales whippet* Aaaeeyee this clown guy is alright I guess. Doesn’t slap me in the balls when he walks by like Bane did.
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Jan 29, 2022 11:30
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I gotta say, I don't think the boss really knows what he's doing with all this. I've moved up from the Ketchup Killers, through the Relish Raiders, and all the way up to Mustard Marine. Know what I noticed in all that time? A decided lack of proper villainy and master-planning. Lot of other outfits, they're led by people of vision. People that keep to the theme, even when it's not the smartest play. Here, we're kind of just... whatever. And ever since I signed up for the company newsletter, I keep getting details about some MLM scheme. I'm starting to think the Condiment King is more interested in finding ways to capitalize on his inadvertent LEGO Movie fame than in launching a proper return to super-crime.
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Jan 29, 2022 12:52
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Ohh, boys, I gotta job with the newest villain to hit Gotham, Ronald McDonald! He's one mean mother but you should see his crew. He's gotta top notch burgerlar on payroll, this fuggin bird lady, I hear him and the mayor are tight and best of all? This huge nutsack looking mother flipper! I poo poo you not, 7 foot tall purple scrote with stubby little legs. Who the heck wants to tangle with balls like that? He said we're gonna be so rich we'll be building golden arches or soma that poo poo. But first, we's gotta take out the king.
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Jan 29, 2022 12:56
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*scratches head* Uhh... Well that's great an all there but I ain't neva heard of dat guy before an does ya REALLY tink da Joka gonna take kindly to a second clown guy movin in ta Gotham? Dis Ronald guy is gonna be dead by noon tomorra
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Jan 29, 2022 14:35
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Yeah, I aint fallin for that one, I aint a fuckin scab. Its about respect and loyalty.
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Jan 29, 2022 14:38
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Yeah, I put myself through Gotham U by working nights and taking out loans. Straight As in my math major, I took some psychology, learned French so that I could read Baudelaire, and minored in finance. Then I graduate into the worst recession in fifty years. Can’t get so much as a job sweeping floors. I apply to Wayne Corp six times over two years. Every job was literally perfect for me. One was for a bilingual accountant for Petes sake. Never even got an interview. So yeah, that’s why I’m henching. Pays back the student loans, but that ain’t the whole reason. I figure the first time I see the Bat, I’m gonna let him wail on me. Really mess me up, get sent to the hospital. I heard of like six guys who got put in the ICU by the Bat, and Bruce Wayne went to visit every single one o’ dem! So I tells him a little sob story, I drop my resume, and boom, I figure I got a better chance of getting hired by Wayne Corp this way than any other! I can’t lose!
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Jan 29, 2022 15:14
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there's the creeper, but i think joker tends to forget he exists. i think most people do, really.
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Jan 29, 2022 15:21
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A Fancy Hat posted:Second of all, how the gently caress is a guy named Dr. PHOSPHOROUS when he's a radioactive guy? He got all hosed up and freaked by having a shitton of radioactive sand dumped on it. The radiation drove de sand up one element on the chemical table, so it went from silicon to phosphorus, so he's radioactive and he burns stuff at a touch. -kills it on goon trivia nights. Didja know Joker was once the ambassador of Iran to the United Nations?- -...the gently caress, it said it on Wikipedia! Who the gently caress changed it to Qurac?-
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Jan 29, 2022 16:05
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poisonpill posted:Then I graduate into the worst recession in fifty years. Can’t get so much as a job sweeping floors. I apply to Wayne Corp six times over two years. Every job was literally perfect for me. One was for a bilingual accountant for Petes sake. Never even got an interview. Don't take it too personally, Wayne seems to like to run a pretty lean operation. Far as I can tell, that billionaire bastard only has two employees at his mansion! Some poor old butler who's probably been there since Wayne was a kid, and some teenage gymnast who must be like the pool boy? Biggest mansion in the dang city, and Wayne has got a single senior citizen vacuuming and cooking and dressing him and answering the door. And all the times we cased that joint, I never seen the pool boy actually clean the pool. He mostly just works out and does a bunch of flips on the trampoline. Guess that's how the rich get rich? Business 101: your biggest expense is always personnel costs. If Gotham's villians ever take a page out of Wayne's book, the next bank we rob is going to be the food bank...
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Jan 29, 2022 18:10
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gimme the GOD drat candy posted:there's the creeper, but i think joker tends to forget he exists. i think most people do, really. Oh, the Joker doesn't forget. Don't ever, EVER, talk to him about the Creeper. Or Harley, that is don't talk to Harley about him either. You don't see him often, but that guy is just a total freakazoid. PD808 posted:Don't take it too personally, Wayne seems to like to run a pretty lean operation. Far as I can tell, that billionaire bastard only has two employees at his mansion! Some poor old butler who's probably been there since Wayne was a kid, and some teenage gymnast who must be like the pool boy? Biggest mansion in the dang city, and Wayne has got a single senior citizen vacuuming and cooking and dressing him and answering the door. And all the times we cased that joint, I never seen the pool boy actually clean the pool. He mostly just works out and does a bunch of flips on the trampoline. Guess that's how the rich get rich? Business 101: your biggest expense is always personnel costs. If Gotham's villians ever take a page out of Wayne's book, the next bank we rob is going to be the food bank... Pretty sure the Waynes used to have all the proper staff and whatnot, and then they got shot and the kid goes off the grid til he's like 30 and comes back as Gotham's own Paris Hilton. I don't think anyone ever actually taught him how to run the place. Gotta be as bad as Rusty Venture, but at least they don't let him anywhere near the business.
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Jan 29, 2022 18:27
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I know I’m just a thug but, and hear me out, what if da Bat is da real villain. Of the people, see?
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Jan 29, 2022 18:28
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I think Gotham has just gotten too rough for me. I'll admit it. The Bat showed up and I ran out the side door. I almost caught a beating and a trip to jail and the hospital. I think I'm gonna move to Baltimore. No capes to worry about there and -- don't tell nobody I said this -- no freak bosses who'll kill youse for looking at them sideeyes or forgetting it's Arbor Day or whatever.
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Jan 29, 2022 18:38
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guys, waynenet owns all those "who is batman" websites, he pays to put himself on top of those lists. he's also at the top of "who is superman.com" "who is nightwing.com" and "worldsbiggestdick.com" he wears that custom made batman costume every halloween that's so heavy and expensive he has to leave the party early? wayne wants you to think he's batman but he's just some rich jerk
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Jan 29, 2022 18:48
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the bat's dead! that new guy, generalissimo huerta, him and his crew pull up armed to the salvadorian embassy and start making demands. bats swoops in to intervene and, get this, they shot him. five guys with FALs, that's all it took, bats is just a bloody lump in the middle of the road. all this time we ourselves coulda been rid of the bat. all we woulda had to do was shoot him. makes you really question our leadership
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Jan 29, 2022 18:55
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I'm out boys. Been at this too long, and I think all the clown gas exposure finally did some permanent damage, because I started hallucinating last night. I'm cracking a safe in a downtown skyscraper, right? Its pouring rain, so you know what that means: keep an eye out for rooftop brooding... Sure enough, I spot the Bat perched on a gargoyle about two floors below me on the neighboring Gothic tower. I expect he'll be there glowering silently for a bit about whatever past trauma drives him. I am about to turn back to finish the job, but then there's flash of lightning and suddenly the job is the last thing on my mind. Get this: He's not perched up there alone... He's got a tiny miniature version of himself floating right next to him! So I actually rub my eyes like a hobo that saw something crazy in a cartoon, you know? Like if I had a little bottle of hooch I would have looked at it and looked back at what I was seeing, and then thrown it in the garbage, you know? I figure I must be dreaming, so I stop trying to hide and I get close to the window to get a good look at the little Bat guy. Like a foot tall, kind of chubby. Smaller than a midget, a little bigger than cabbage patch kid...and flying, I'm saying. Well, hovering really. His costume is really sloppy and ill-fitting, which is a detail that still really creeps me out for some reason. Ears on the bat cowl are way too big, and like floppy. Elf shoes, a beer gut, head also too big like he's got that elephant man disease? Just a living nightmare. As the lightning flashes again I can see the little monster is grinning and laughing and having a good old time, and the Bat (the big Bat I'm saying) is like exasperated, I guess, from his body language. Then the little Bat starts doing like magic tricks. But like miracles I'm saying. Conjurs up party hats for him and the real Bat, then the rain turns into jellybeans, then the big Bat's utility belt turns into a WWF championship belt, then the little freak touchs the gargoyle Bat was using to silently judge our dark city and it becomes a stuffed polka-dot unicorn. That did it for me. I left the safe and all my tools and I went straight home to bed. I'll miss you guys, but I have to walk away while I still have some of my faculties, you know? Please be careful when you're loading those gas tanks. A mind is a terrible thing to waste. And don't tell me it was just the Scarecrow. I haven't so much as sniffed that creep's musty barn farts in six months, but I remember what his hallucination spray smells like.
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Jan 29, 2022 20:00
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Still less weird than da bat bringin' a 10 year old in spandex aroun' with him everywhere.
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Jan 30, 2022 02:09
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PD808 posted:Nonsense drat it Perry, I TOLD you to stop shooting heroin with Overdog! He fills your head with such crap!
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Jan 30, 2022 07:24
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poisonpill posted:Yeah, I put myself through Gotham U by working nights and taking out loans. Straight As in my math major, I took some psychology, learned French so that I could read Baudelaire, and minored in finance. my cousin joey tried something like that once. got his masters in history or something like that. it didn't work out for him, he's in a long term care facility now with limited brain function but at least he can still identify shapes and colors.
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Jan 30, 2022 07:30
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Hey, broad! Gimme dem pearls!
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Jan 30, 2022 10:33
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Any-a youse guys know anyone who works for Harley Quinn? Yeah, yeah, I know. It’s just that rumor on the street is that she ain’t half bad since splittin’ with da Joker. Youse still gotta put up with da clown costumes and most da jobs are still small-time, but she’s ain’t just murderin’ her goons like ol’ Mista Jay. Plus, I hear the fellas workin’ for her got healthcare, dental too. I just can’t keep runnin’ around with the Clown Prince of Crime no more. Every time I’m out trying to rob a pie factory or hijack a radio station, I’m worried the guy’s gonna bash my brains in. I ain’t even scared a Batman anyone. It’s that Joker’s gonna beat me ta death for a punch line or somethin.
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Jan 30, 2022 14:03
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So the new boss, smarter than me by miles. But why does he want us to stick these luminous green question marks in these strange places? He said it was to fool Batman sure, but any fucker in the city can see them, they are luminous green! He told me to stick one in the corner of some alleyway. An alleyway in Gotham city! A city where alleyways get more traffic than motorways!
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Jan 30, 2022 16:12
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The Voice of Labor posted:the bat's dead! Oh please, everyone SAYS the Bat's dead, but didn't he get disintegrated by that evil alien space god that one time? Supes was holding his skeleton on live TV and everything. And then he came back. We sure that was even really him? Actually, anyone remember that time where a bunch of randos just decided to start dressing up like the Bat or Joker and getting into gangfights? Not even like henches, just ordinary schmucks? Anyone else remember that or is it just the clown gas gettin' to me?
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Jan 30, 2022 16:14
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Heh heh, you know how da Bat and his little sidekick boyo always run around together in tights? And they hang out together all the time? You ever t’ink, heh heh, that maybes the Bat ain’t wearing his cape straight, if you know what I’s mean? Oh Tony, I didn’t realize that your brother had come out last year. Yes, I do know that even in 2022 he faced discrimination for his orientation, and that my “harmless” jokes may be inadvertently reinforcing negative stereotypes. I’ll be more inclusive in the future.
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Jan 30, 2022 16:37
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When Penguin told me he was puttin' me on the gold farming crew I thought he had, like, stolen some kinda science gizmo that turns plant matter into gold and we were either going to war with Poison Ivy or gonna hold the Gotham Pumpkin Festival hostage or something. Instead I'm chained to a desk witha bunch of southeast Asian teenagers playing World of Warcraft all day.
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Jan 30, 2022 17:16
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Look, the joker's pulled some nasty poo poo before, but I ain't complain then. It's a tough world and you gotta do what you gotta do to get by. But this poo poo, offering home mortgages with variable rates starting at the very limit of what people can pay if theys keep theirs jobs? Seems pretty bad. Then he's having us sell those mortgages in bundles rated AAA by Harley so he can issue more mortgages, and offering insurance on them that he won't ever be able to pay if it comes due? I don't know man. It's pretty hosed up
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Jan 30, 2022 17:24
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Batman touched me funny when he was takin' me in for a smash and grab. I ain't tell nobody that before but I can't live with the lie. He's a real piece a poo poo.
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Jan 30, 2022 19:04
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Dang It Bhabhi! posted:Batman touched me funny when he was takin' me in for a smash and grab. I ain't tell nobody that before but I can't live with the lie. He's a real piece a poo poo. I wa- He was assessing you for weak points.
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Jan 30, 2022 19:25
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Also, in hindsight, perhaps I could have rephrased "smash and grab" given the heinous nature of the Bat's crimes towards my person.
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Jan 30, 2022 19:51
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We are shocked and dismayed to hear such terrible things about Batman. He is a necessary evil in today's Gotham. We especially take exception to the exaggerations about his brutality. As a wise man said, "He's not the hero we deserve, but he's the hero we need." Sincerely, The Underworld Union of Chiropractors, Physical Therapists, and Orthopedic Surgeons
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Jan 30, 2022 22:33
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Batman took my last original tooth out last night when he punched me out. I mean it was just pretty much sentimental value by now, my teeth are all like plastic or sumtin' cos he punched all of the other ones out earlier, but I'll still miss that last real tooth. At least I'm on Joker's dental plan, so I've got a set of shiny white fake teeth.
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Jan 30, 2022 23:48
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| # ? Jun 7, 2024 19:43 |
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Get a metal set and run around biting people with it. You can call yourself mandibles or sometin'
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Jan 31, 2022 01:15
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