(Thread IKs:
Josherino)
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Hey, so I've been seeing a therapist for about a year and a half now, the second one I've ever talked to, and he's unquestionably helped me get to a better place than I was in when I started seeing him. And I think he just got drunk during a session with me. We do weekly video chats, first out of COVID necessity and now because he's moved away, which I don't mind. He mentioned he was having a bit of a rough week, and was frequently turning his video off for 5-10 seconds at a time, which I don't recall him ever doing before. I didn't think much of it until our last 15 minutes really went off the rails, with him doing a bunch of rambling that didn't even seem to connect with the poo poo we were talking about a minute ago. He also might have been slurring a bit (maybe I am projecting this on him?). Once it clicked for me I ended the call pretty abruptly, and I think he looked kind of sheepish, like he knew I knew, although maybe I am projecting that onto him too. I guess my question is, is this as bad as it sounds? Part of me will feel like a real rear end in a top hat if I'm wrong about this, part of me wants to respect that he can have a really bad night just like any other human being and that shouldn't be something to throw away an 18-month relationship over, and part of me is thinking "are you loving insane, he got drunk during a loving session, how is this something to waffle about". I'm a pretty conflict-averse guy, and I'm feeling pretty uneasy about the fact that I'm going to have to bring this up next week if he doesn't. ---------------------- Also while I'm here I read the last few pages, and the first half of this post feels like I wrote it myself: Eulogistics posted:I am familiar with this situation. You feel guilty all the time because you're not doing the things you think you should be doing (I always felt like I'm wasting my life and squandering my abilities and opportunities), but you never seem to care about that thing you should be doing, the motivation just never seems to be there. so I'm going to try the second half. Thank you Eulogistics!
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Mar 5, 2022 05:34
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Its really really really really bad op. Edit: I would contact your states board, whatever hes licensed under. And i would bring it up to him, if you felt able to do that but its understandable if you dont want to and just feel like cutting ties. There are so many issues here. This guy is taking advantage of his clients in a hundred ways. You in no way need to give him slack or feel sorry for him, thats your poo poo coming up. His job is to give you a space to heal and grow and to take your money in exhange for that. That space cant work if hes in there drunk. Its so bad and it does happen. Sucks that he put you in this position, and thats the whole point summed up. thehandtruck has issued a correction as of 20:15 on Mar 5, 2022 |
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Mar 5, 2022 20:08
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thehandtruck posted:Its really really really really bad op. please don’t do something like that right off the bat. even assuming your suspicion is 100% correct it would be an inhumane way to escalate to some institutional poo poo and it probably wouldn’t help most people on his client roster let alone him. it’s been a rough couple of weeks for everyone everywhere. it could be anxiety or staying up to take care of a sick relative or recurring narcolepsy or low blood sugar or who knows. cut it off or ask if you want but going to the state board is over the top when you don’t know what’s actually going on.
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Mar 7, 2022 18:37
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Oh hey wrong thread Gene Hackman Fan has issued a correction as of 20:48 on Mar 7, 2022 |
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Mar 7, 2022 20:31
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I haven't been here in a while, but I'm happy that my brain doc and I FINALLY found a set of meds that actually work for me! Citalopram and Dexedrine are the two  that my brain really loves, and it makes me a completely functional human.
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Mar 7, 2022 20:49
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Qu Appelle posted:I haven't been here in a while, but I'm happy that my brain doc and I FINALLY found a set of meds that actually work for me! Same, just to sprinkle a bit of positive news around. I haven't been around here much either in a while, I ended up getting insurance because it was that or give up more than I already was and I decided to give it a try. Viibryd has done wonders levelling out the worst of the worst days. Between that and a lot of testosterone which was apparently very low I at least feel more human, albeit one who still really doesn't have any friends outside the home and can't start a conversation for any price. Doctor was very hesitant to give me anything for ADD which is fine I guess because we talked about my speed problem and I see his point, but I still feel deeply lacking in motivation and enjoyment, it's just that the bad things are gone and the absence is easier to ignore. Finding motivation is still a fucker. I probably need more time to let things kick into gear and for winter to end, 6 years without any medication of any kind probably needs a few months to really kick in. And even though the answer I'm looking for is probably therapy, I already feel like I'm pushing it with insurance and copays and meds. I suppose I can revisit that in the future, but I'm already less absolutely horrified at spending any money at all, which was a big part of the problem before. I know a lot of people can't get help for it, but I hope everyone knows how important those brain chemicals are in even being able to take the first step. At least then the long road might not feel so hopeless.
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Mar 8, 2022 15:06
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I finally started the evening support group I've wanted for years. I teach peer to peer classes, and a number of people want to continue with NAMI after the class concludes. The only support group in our area met in the early afternoon, so anyone who was busy during the day couldn't make it. I've been holding back because it's a challenge to find a reliable venue with enough space and privacy. I decided to just hold it over zoom, and it went well. The group collectively voted to bring the early afternoon support group back to in-person, and I don't want anyone to be left out. My mood has been up recently. I'm not sleeping much, so I'm probably going back into hypomania. At least I'm not feeling restless or angry. I've had some good interactions with people in my life recently. My dad is recovering from his surgery. He's still in pain, but it seems to have lessened. The new intern at my local NAMI chapter is awesome. She's getting things done that we have been struggling with for a long time. She seems to be empathetic and she knows her stuff. I cut out most of the sugar from my diet. Even the "healthier" cereals are loaded with it. I found one that's lentil-based rather than wheat-based, and only has a gram of sugar per serving. I got my supplements sorted out. I found cheaper alternatives at costco, and I'm confident that I'm getting what I need now. I'll get a blood panel done next week.
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Mar 8, 2022 16:20
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mawarannahr posted:please don’t do something like that right off the bat. even assuming your suspicion is 100% correct it would be an inhumane way to escalate to some institutional poo poo and it probably wouldn’t help most people on his client roster let alone him. The therapist can defend himself to the board if everything's legit, the fact that tinstaach is even questioning whether their therapist is drinking during sessions is the problem. The focus is not on tinstaach, it's now on some potential ethical issue because of the therapist's erratic behavior, whether it's drinking or not. That's not what that room is for. Asking tinstaach to make this their burden instead of immediately passing it to people that literally get paid to resolve these issues isn't just wrong, it runs contrary to the entire purpose of both his role as a client and the supervisory structure of therapists as an occupation. This is not the same as calling the cops, this therapist is behaving deeply unprofessionally/ethically if he was drinking, and even if he wasn't his erratic behavior disrupted a session. We don't need an objective truth of the situation because in that room the only thing that matters is tinstaach.
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Mar 9, 2022 00:58
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That sounds like making someone who's already having a rough week have a way way worse week. Wtf. Don't report the guy unless it happens again, maybe he was just getting sick, etc. Unbelievable
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Mar 9, 2022 04:16
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my doc prescribed Wellbutrin to help with the side effects I'm seeing with Lexapro so here's hoping.
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Mar 9, 2022 05:10
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Saw a new doc this time, had to do the exhausting thing of relaying my life's trauma/fuckups in a 25 minute period, with the knowledge this was going to social security so they could look for anything i said that could be used as proof i wasn't as disabled, including "this medication helped me feel better". Including appeals I've been denied 4 times so far, each with "you have some disabilities but there are still jobs you could possible work." Staying at those lovely jobs that traumatized me for so long is now loving hurting me because they're being used as the basis of what work I can do as opposed to the things I flamed out from in under 6 months. gently caress the "don't leave you job until you find a new job! advice when you're too exhausted and hurt to even look for a new job while holding the current traumatizing one. (I honestly shouldn't have been in the workforce ever, honestly, but here we are). Ronwayne has issued a correction as of 14:06 on Mar 9, 2022 |
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Mar 9, 2022 14:02
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Ronwayne posted:Saw a new doc this time, had to do the exhausting thing of relaying my life's trauma/fuckups in a 25 minute period, with the knowledge this was going to social security so they could look for anything i said that could be used as proof i wasn't as disabled, including "this medication helped me feel better". Including appeals I've been denied 4 times so far, each with "you have some disabilities but there are still jobs you could possible work." Staying at those lovely jobs that traumatized me for so long is now loving hurting me because they're being used as the basis of what work I can do as opposed to the things I flamed out from in under 6 months. gently caress the "don't leave you job until you find a new job! advice when you're too exhausted and hurt to even look for a new job while holding the current traumatizing one. God, awful. I work for the gov in medicaid stuff and people who have never been dependent on benefits don't believe me when I say it's morally dubious work. They think that government assistance is this straightforward altruism that's put into often challenging positions instead of an intrusive system of cruelty that inserts itself into - or even creates - miserable positions for others.
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Mar 9, 2022 15:02
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I was asking my lawyer last week if selling plasma counts as "work" for the purposes of getting my disability denied  (It doesn't apparently but jesus gently caress that I even have to ask that). Tulip, I don't know what i'm going to, its been over three years since I had earned income and I'm not sure how much longer I'm gonna survive without SSA helping me, every step of the process takes 4-6 months.I asked the local state aid agency what i could get beyond food stamps and was told as a single childless male, nothing. Ronwayne has issued a correction as of 19:10 on Mar 9, 2022 |
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Mar 9, 2022 19:05
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Really bad day today. Started last night-- ma hackman fan had her knee replaced day before yesterday and the pain kept her up. Pa hackman fan came through and said he watched a few videos on ADHD (good) and said what he took from it was all being down to a lack of willpower (motherfucker). Woke up 1/2hr late for work (40mins away). Forgot to take my meds. Work was no better, multiple rear end in a top hat callers who called every hour on the hour until it finally got through to them that no, the answer has not got back yet and I can do nothing to speed that poo poo up. had I remembered to take my meds I probably would have handled it a lot better. Texted the family ahead of time about my situation, was asked to pick up pizza. Came home to find pa hackman fan went and got himself all hosed up on Fox news and wanted to have an argument. Career army dude who totally thinks the US has never committed any war crimes whatsoever (and the ones we did were unavoidable and probably justified anyway). This was in spite of (or perhaps even because of) the very pointed warning that I'm already unraveled. Were I just like him, I would have redacted. But because I know ADHD is funny about anger issues, and because "redacted" is a bad look even if that elderly father is a loving sociopath, I removed myself from the situation. For the time being, I must maintain a fragile peace in order to not be loving homeless and goddamn do I ever not have an outlet for this anger nor am I able to process it. Right now I am sitting in my front yard. The temp is dropping, so I've got the heater running in my car. I intend to smoke myself stupid because I'll be Goddamned if I'm going back into my house loving sober to listen to his horseshit. Gene Hackman Fan has issued a correction as of 05:04 on Mar 11, 2022 |
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Mar 11, 2022 03:16
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I have been feeling very anxious and scared about the anti abortion laws being proposed all over the country. I live in a blue state so I personally am safe, but I'm not the only person that exists, and I can't stop thinking about all the other people who aren't so lucky. I am technically capable of getting pregnant, but I likely wouldn't survive it - let alone an ectopic pregnancy, which is a death sentence for anyone, but Missouri still wants to make treating one a felony. It's just really hard to cope when you're constantly being reminded that people consider you a walking incubator and not a person.
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Mar 11, 2022 04:41
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The fact that multiple people have defended a therapist's questionable conduct during a session as "no big deal, maybe he was having a bad week" is absolutely bonkers to me. Therapists exist specifically to give THEIR PATIENTS a space where they are the sole focus. It is mechanically indistinct from a surgeon being drunk while practicing. Any therapist with an ounce of professionalism would CANCEL THE SESSION as opposed to opening a bottle and muddying the waters of whose space that is, forever, for their client. I can only hope that the people defending that kind of blatant misconduct are doing so because they feel close to their own therapists, but even that would demonstrate a complete misunderstanding of the nature of that relationship and the many boundaries that drinking during a session would cross, even if it's ambiguous whether that even occurred. ghost emoji posted:I have been feeling very anxious and scared about the anti abortion laws being proposed all over the country. I live in a blue state so I personally am safe, but I'm not the only person that exists, and I can't stop thinking about all the other people who aren't so lucky. My mom had to get a ectopic pregnancy aborted when I was a kid, it literally saved her life. She was able to do it in a hospital as safely as that kind of thing can be handled. The proponents of this ideological project are deeply evil for using it to mobilize a bunch of ignorant, gullible, and short-sighted morons to get corporate taxes lowered. The fallibility of the American experiment is getting proven every day and I hope this country can change without burning, but poo poo like that makes me doubt it. Sorry you're getting dehumanized.
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Mar 11, 2022 09:54
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Like jesus christ imagine your mechanic doing that, "oh yeah I had a rough week so I got a buzz on while I was fixing your brakes, you're good to go though" but it's your loving brain, god drat goons are loving wild
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Mar 11, 2022 10:02
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I admit I tolerate a huge amount of bullshit from service providers under the Golden Rule. I generally need people to have an unlimited tolerance for me screwing up or just not showing up, so I need to demonstrate the same. Its also a thing I did when I was a social worker. Some people just need 13th, 14th, 25th chances to get their life in order. I was roughly as hosed up and ineffective and prone to mistakes when facing deadlines, external expectations, and structured environments while completely sober as most people are while drunk. I loving wince when i'm told "autistic people crave structure!" Yeah, structure I make, decide, and change according to my whims, it isn't a desire to be dommed by karen the HR manager and kevin the tier 1 manager. "I have trouble keeping my appointments in order" "Oh, so you need a caretaker!" "I need a secretary, stop talking about disabled people needing to have other people put in control of their lives." Gene Hackman Fan posted:Really bad day today. Started last night-- ma hackman fan had her knee replaced day before yesterday and the pain kept her up. Pa hackman fan came through and said he watched a few videos on ADHD (good) and said what he took from it was all being down to a lack of willpower (motherfucker). Gene, this hurts because its extremely, extremely close to the exact situation I'm in. I'm not bragging about this but I will say what got them off my back was screaming in my parents' face and reminding them they're fragile old fucks sitting in god's waiting room, and they will not be casually making GBS threads on me anymore. It's hosed up, every bad relationship I'm in has only improved when I escalate to screaming my head off at the other person/people, all attempts at polite conversation were brushed aside and ignored.
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Mar 11, 2022 13:38
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Ya my mom is pretty cool but cohabitating with parents into adulthood, especially if you're cspam brained, is a recipe for conflict. Asserting strong boundaries, no matter how you do it, can be really good for that kind of thing. Moving out is obviously even better, but that's certainly not an option everyone can just do. She tolerated my diatribes about cops pretty well for a boomer but still managed to append the whole "but i know nice cops" bit to the end that launched me into another thing until she lost patience and would say stuff like "let's talk about something else" NO NOT UNTIL YOU ACKNOWLEDGE THAT ALL COPS ARE BASTARDS, MOM, gently caress IM GOING TO MY ROOM e: obviously the reason their poo poo bothers us so much is because we care about them deeply and don't want them to live in the world of delusion that the rest of America does, but gently caress is it annoying.
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Mar 12, 2022 10:29
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I've had to talk them out of pointing guns at migrants walking in front/through our yard. I mean yes they called the border patrol on them but I think I kept them from committing (and almost certainly getting away with) murder. Fox news blares at all waking hours in the house, at old people I'm-not-going-deaf-I-can-hear-just-fine! levels. The second dad leaves mom switches it to ancient aliens poo poo, which you know, yeah its racist, but in a lot more low key way than loving Tucker telling them "RACIAL WAR ANY MINUTE NOW FELLOW HONKIES, LOCK AND LOAD." I'd far prefer my mom thinking stonehenge was part of a neolithic teleporter network by comparison. (She doesn't use the internet thank god, she's prime Q bait for their more supernatural stuff) I'm also going bonkers because there's local/state/federal cops loving EVERYWHERE due to the migrant caravan thing, and national guard dorks too. The latter wouldn't arrest me/anyone but they're a 1000 strong pack of snitches for the cops. I can't even walk down the road at night without said cops shining a maglite in my face and asking my business* and I am loving sick of it. Yeah, I'm white, and suffer nowhere near what migrants and citizen PoCs do, but I'm getting really loving nervous that they're gonna see a silhouette at night and open up before my palid, glowing cave fish skin registers in their brains. *That's one of the "wonderful" things about Texas, walking places on foot, voluntarily, is inherently suspicious behavior. Ronwayne has issued a correction as of 15:50 on Mar 12, 2022 |
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Mar 12, 2022 15:40
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i had to call out of work today because i was too depressed to function. i lied and said i had a migraine. i feel guilty even though i know if i had managed to make it into work today, i would've been unfocused and made a lot of mistakes and just gotten in everyone's way. i am so jealous of everyone with a work from home job.
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Mar 15, 2022 17:47
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Mental health days are legitimate sick days. The idea that the body can be damaged and slowed down by external factors beyond our control yet our minds are supposedly this bastion of willpower and mind-over-matter that we need to utilize every time we get hurt is one of the most backwards and hosed up ideas out there.
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Mar 16, 2022 02:53
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Ronwayne posted:Mental health days are legitimate sick days. The idea that the body can be damaged and slowed down by external factors beyond our control yet our minds are supposedly this bastion of willpower and mind-over-matter that we need to utilize every time we get hurt is one of the most backwards and hosed up ideas out there. 
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Mar 16, 2022 03:03
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Yeah, that's me, except I had one even with a period of breaks and even federal emergency medical leave.
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Mar 16, 2022 03:42
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My mom died this morning. She had metastatic breast cancer and a neurodegerative disorder, so I guess it isn't surprising, but... gently caress. I really thought we had more time. We spent years living together, taking care of her was my life. Not sure what I'm gonna do now, honestly.
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Mar 19, 2022 22:52
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Random rear end in a top hat posted:My mom died this morning. She had metastatic breast cancer and a neurodegerative disorder, so I guess it isn't surprising, but... gently caress. I really thought we had more time. We spent years living together, taking care of her was my life. Not sure what I'm gonna do now, honestly. That sucks. I hope you're doing okay in the fallout. I also spent some time taking care of a dying parent, and afterwards going back to business as usual felt very strange. I made a lot of big changes in my life afterwards. If you don't have any major local obligations and otherwise have the means, moving can help make a cleaner break in my experience.
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Mar 20, 2022 12:51
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Feeling overwhelmed by the bullshit at NAMI. I've never been so close to quitting. It's incredible how many people will criticize, judge, lecture and outright chew me out... then think of themselves as part of a support system. My support system seems a whole lot smaller when I have issues with NAMI itself. I'm starting to draw better boundaries with people. I don't want to give up on it. I absolutely love working with peers. Our new intern is awesome, and I don't want to cause more stress for her. I met with some representatives from our local "NAMI on Campus." Apparently there are very active NAMI clubs at high schools around here, and they want to fundraise for us. I want to be there for them. Our liaison to these clubs dropped off the face of the earth a few years ago, and they've been trying to reach us ever since. It gives me some hope to see gen z caring about mental health. That sure as hell wasn't the case when I was in high school.
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Mar 22, 2022 16:42
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I recently had a pretty serious dissociative snap and have comfortably recovered, and wanted to offer my ear or shoulder to anyone who needs a friendly ear, or just needs to talk through anything. Through the experience I came to a lot of conclusions, chiefly that it's a loving bummer that as humans we're not better at supporting each other, and in the vein of "I don't want this to happen to people, anywhere, ever again," I'm here for you as best I can be.
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Mar 25, 2022 19:37
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I don't know if there's a really good place to ask, if any, but like, for people who have dealt with issues with the SSA, is there really any hope at this point? I've been struggling for months to get in contact and get my case reinstated, both from an 'applying for disability' standpoint and a 'just getting basic services like medical, food stamps, and cash assistance' one. I filled out all my redeterminations on time, filed them on time, and still had my case closed, and after speaking with them months ago, they did say that it was closed in error, but i have to fill out these forms, which need approval from everyone under the sun, then need review and interviews and all this poo poo, for stuff that they very much admit is 'whoops our bad'. It wouldn't be so bad if I weren't in a situation where my housing and poo poo weren't extremely precarious, but like, I kinda need this stuff to live, and I'm stuck literally begging friends and just anyone i know in passing for help, feeling like such a piece of poo poo every time i go and ask the goon fund for help, and its like, I don't see any sort of future where this poo poo is ever gonna end. I'm stuck in an endless loop of just cap in hand begging to try and stabilize stuff, endless stonewalling by even groups as supposedly interested in helping me like disability lawyers and my social workers, everything spiraling down because i can only run on fumes for so long, repeat. It feels like its just actual sisyphean hell, but it feels like even that analogy is more stable than this at this point, because it feels like every time i ask for help i'm having the goodwill of everyone i know erode around me as i just get dug deeper and deeper into this inescapable ditch. It's crushing and it feels like it'll never let up.
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Mar 25, 2022 21:20
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I don't have any experience with the SSA specifically, Aces, but dealing with the USCIS after they hosed up a case I was involved with was a similar nightmare. My cousin also went through an ordeal to get full disability benefits from the military after severe PTSD from Iraq left her struggling with daily life and employment. Eventually, both our issues were resolved with positive outcomes, but it did take a while.
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Mar 25, 2022 23:24
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ACES CURE PLANES posted:I don't know if there's a really good place to ask, if any, but like, for people who have dealt with issues with the SSA, is there really any hope at this point? Having a disability advocate was absolutely essential for me, they'll basically try every trick in the book to avoid approving you for anything (the 'oops we closed your case by accident' was 100% intentional, their entire goal is to just get you to give up) and you need someone who can deal with all that bullshit so you don't have to. My case took literally years to resolve, and if I hadn't had a good advocate it never would have happened at all. Random Asshole has issued a correction as of 01:28 on Mar 26, 2022 |
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Mar 26, 2022 01:26
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ACES CURE PLANES posted:I don't know if there's a really good place to ask, if any, but like, for people who have dealt with issues with the SSA, is there really any hope at this point? Find a lawyer, I use Heard & Smith, basically they handle all the paperwork to deal with this crap. They take 25% of the lump sum SSA gives at the start, but its not an ongoing thing once you got disability. I figure 75% is a bigger number than 100% of zero. The most agonizing thing is the waiting game. If you earn money while you wait you're not disabled, so you gotta find a way to survive in a process where every loving step takes 4-6 months I'm on Case 2 (1st appeal, Case 1 went denied, and two appeals denied), I was told the process can take up to five years. I had a free advocate the first case but well, I lost it, so I figured I'd try another type of professional. The sorts of people who need disability, like us, have problems doing through the disability application process in the first loving place. Ronwayne has issued a correction as of 06:38 on Mar 26, 2022 |
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Mar 26, 2022 06:26
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skooma512 posted:Trying to focus on this Azure training video. I actually walked away from my IT servicedesk job from stress. They literally changed the job duties by about 85% after a corpo restructuring due to excessive acquisitions at the end, and I was just becoming too burned out. Best job I ever had by far as far as pay and benefits go, and mine weren't even good compared to others lol I have massive test anxiety, I ended up just giving up on the Azure cert entirely because of it. It's funny because my daily duties involved heavy AD setup/use as well as full global access to the entire admin o365 backend for a few intercontinental corpos (my peers did not have this level, it was given to me specifically). Our typical SD duties also included half of the network & DC engineers duties for less than a third of the pay if you were lucky. Moving up was impossible and watching the engineers gently caress up migration after migration due to hubris was the only perk.
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Mar 26, 2022 21:32
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I had a nice workout today and it has made me Happy 😊
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Mar 30, 2022 01:33
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Hello thread. I somehow knew I was going to post here sooner or later. This is going to sound incredibly dumb, but I am going to type everything out here, because hey, its just words on the internet at the end of the day. Last night I got pretty mad playing Lost Ark ranked pvp. Not "screaming the N-word" mad, but pretty close to it (I will honestly be surprised if I dont get banned for the toxic chat). I know this is a manifestation of something much, much worse than simply just getting mad at video games. I used to be a pretty angry dude in the past, and thankfully, this has largely subsided in my later years thanks to therapy and just becoming an adult in general, so last night was a strong outlier as far as my regular gaming goes. To put it simply, I have solidified "playing video games" as a coping mechanism for stress since a very young age. This has lead to many issues in my life, right up to my marriage falling apart a few years ago. There were other issues of course, but excessive gaming and "gamer moments" definitely did not help the situation. I spent a lot of time working out (by myself and through therapy) how things got so bad and I think I have a solid idea. When I was 14, my family moved from Russia (oh-oh!) to a western country. Growing up there was absolute hell. Teenagers/children are loving monsters, and the early aughts didnt have the woke culture cushions we have now (in this case I am not saying that wokeness is a bad thing or anything, its just how it was). I spoke English just fine back then, but there is no way I could have hidden my "otherness" or made it cool, because I was just a dumb, nerdy kid. The point is, that humiliation or actual violence was a daily threat for me growing up and I was largely left to deal with it by myself, because my close family was dealing with the classic cocktail of "fob" immigrant issues - i.e. me getting bullied in school was largely overshadowed by issues with work permits, immigration documentaiton and other stupid hoops that govements make people jump through. It is what it is. So I started playing video games to cope. It largely worked because I didn't turn into a school shooter (although, I wasn't in America then, so guns were hard to get). I genuinely love videogames for the immersion and the narrative elements. I absolutely believe that no other media has the storytelling potential that games do, simply because they put you in control. But, there is also a dark side to the hobby - I have definitely tied "being good at video games" to my own self worth. Competitive gaming is nothing new to me, but one cant simply rely on a stress sync that has a 50/50 chance of working (because you either lose or you win). I have a 9-??? job, I am also nearly 40. I can't compete with college kids with infinite time and infinitely better reflexes without either giving up my job or getting younger. I recognize this, but I continue to poison myself with the idea that somehow I will win the coin toss every time and restore my sense of self worth (funny, this is NEVER an issue when I play games with my friends, win or lose). Furthermore, I can be extremely procrastinating. Last night, in all honesty, I should have been working, not playing Lost Ark. I have a very high paying job with great benefits, and its honestly pretty easy for me to do. There is a critical project due for a delivery this week, and it needs to be wrapped up. I am not a huge a fan of investing personal time into work, because I share many of the beliefs posters here have about the "work yourself to death" culture, but in this case I believe it's a fair exchange that I am not delivering for on my end because my brain is busy flushing itself into the toilet. It's a truly awful feeling. On top of that, I feel extremely guilty about behaving like an ape as well. My girlfriend was not exactly pleased about watching a grown man lose his poo poo over a video game. She gently asked me to tone it down and I responded very aggressively, telling her to leave if she doesn't like it. I was angry, but that's no excuse. She is very much dependent on me right now, and responding to her gentle criticism the way I did is just monstrous. I de-facto pulled a power move because I was being a manchild, and that's a red line even by my own standards. She asked me this morning how I felt, and long story short I told her that she should break up with me. This might seem like a crazy escalation, but hear me out. I am not loving stupid. I know what I did wrong in my previous relationships, and I am beginning to see patterns clear as day. I worked on improving the bad parts of my personality, but some things are just too deeply entrenched. In my worldview, people don't change fundamentally, myself included. I can mute or boost parts of my personality, but that's about it. I have neither seen nor lived the experience of someone's personality undergoing drastic changes, so I don't believe it. I can certainly imagine circumstances where this is possible, but they are usually extreme. I don't want to drag her into the troglodyte chimp lifestyle with me. Truth be told, I am seeing some clear as day patterns between this relationship and the previous one. The terrible thing is that I don't have the will to change it. Whether it is wrong or right, weak or strong is irrelevant. These cards are on the table at this point and in my opinion the outcome is predetermined. I don't want to bring others down with me, because I do not believe I can change who I am at this point. Writing all this out is making me kind of hopeless, actually. Funny enough, as I was typing all this out on my phone my battery died and I had to do it all over again. That really hurt. I broke down, maniacally laughing and crying when it happened. In the light of current events, everything is even more acute than before. Russians are persona non grata world wide, and even though I don't consider myself to be one (which is a separate topic), but I had the misfortune of being born in that shithole, so to some degree I can't disconnect it. The anti-russian sentiment is just driving me back right at the time when I was being bullied, which leads to more videogame cope, which leads to more uncontrolled anger, the strength of it I haven't felt since my 20s. Maybe the libs are right, maybe I am loving ork. The sad thing is, I used to be pretty tough mentally. I never in my life had suicidal thoughts, until now. I think of it as a sequence of barriers, which are slowly being eroded. Having the nuclear sword of damocles over my head certainly doesn't help one bit (I am living in the US right now). gently caress, today is a bad day by all accounts. Going to go and try to salvage the day out of the gutter work-wise at least. Side note - this definitely belongs in "man gets owned so hard in video games that an existential crisis flares up" category. edit: Putin is a massive gently caress and there is a bayonet somewhere with this rear end's name on it Captain Gordon has issued a correction as of 18:47 on Mar 30, 2022 |
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Mar 30, 2022 18:40
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Maybe this is a little specific harm reduction, but have you considered cooperative games and/or board games? I definitely relate to using gaming as an escape mechanism albeit for different reasons and degree, and it sounds like playing cooperatively and ideally with people you're at least acquainted with, often in person, might help
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Mar 30, 2022 19:20
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StashAugustine posted:Maybe this is a little specific harm reduction, but have you considered cooperative games and/or board games? I definitely relate to using gaming as an escape mechanism albeit for different reasons and degree, and it sounds like playing cooperatively and ideally with people you're at least acquainted with, often in person, might help Yeah, absolutely. Co-op/boardgames are always a positive experience for me and I play those too. Now that I calmed down a bit, I think I just need to focus on fixing the underlying problem, but also just not engage with competitive stuff right now. Its simply not worth it.
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Mar 30, 2022 20:58
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Gonna have to find a new job. Which, I'm honestly used to by now. But this time I know I genuinely tried. Yes, I screwed up because I've missed calls. This company is growing to the point where we need more than two people working warranty calls. But I didn't say any of that. Brain locked up, conditioned response says that arguing back just makes it worse, let them rant and then get back to it. And even then, this is not a job for someone to be treated like that. You yell at me, I frown. you tell a grown-rear end adult "don't you give me that look," I go home when you tell me because who the gently caress acts like that to another goddamned grown up? my anger (which I've come to learn goes from zero to gently caress-you in short order because ADHD.*) isn't worth fourteen bucks an hour to be yelled at for his not knowing how a email thread worked or ignoring the multiple requests from those emails. I'm fine y'all, and not in an ironic style of assurances between breaths as I prevent you from going into the room that suspiciously had cartoon sound effects volume 1 ("now that's what I call broken furniture") playing within. I'm certainly fine enough that I'm trying to make tired rear end jokes out of it. Just posting through it tonight. *(hell, maybe throw in possible lead poisoning from 30+ years of rural well water because we lived so far back snl wasn't on till tuesday) Gene Hackman Fan has issued a correction as of 05:46 on Mar 31, 2022 |
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Mar 31, 2022 04:59
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Edit: yeah, I've melted down. I've sent in a resignation letter. I've made it one of the most diplomatic, honest, and at least memorable ones they've seen. Why? Probably because I ran spell check and fixed some Might as well try to be good at something so you leave a good impression for the next time you meet. Meltdowns happen. gently caress, am I proof of that here. but people throw up and get sick and do you judge them for that? So just pretend you saw a dude cleaning up his emotional vomit. into a grey and blue internet forum. I'm stopping this rant short because mods are gonna tell me to gently caress off if I call this place a barf bag again and I can't afford to keep registering because I gotta let this place know when I need to vomit in public. I am making a good faith effort, drat it. Gene Hackman Fan has issued a correction as of 01:15 on Apr 1, 2022 |
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Mar 31, 2022 05:35
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This is probably going to take about as long as it takes for a warranty claim for one of the people I call to help, but let me make a reference to a twenty year old film that got stale five weeks in.
Gene Hackman Fan has issued a correction as of 14:03 on Mar 31, 2022 |
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Mar 31, 2022 13:33
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