quote:

How to turn on the death machine:

1. Put on protective clothing.
2. Turn the engine of the vehicle on.
3. Put on your seat belt.
4. Make sure the doors are closed, the vents are open and the window is rolled down.
5. Turn the ignition off.
6. Put the car in neutral.
7. Put the accelerator to the floor.
8. Drive into the garage or shed.
9. Stop the car.
10. Turn the engine off and then get out of the car.
11. Shut the car doors, turn the ignition off and then get out of the car.
12. Wait about 20 seconds for the gas to clear.
13. Stand back from the car.
14. Look out for any bystanders.
15. Make sure there are no loose objects in the vicinity.
16. Be ready to move in 3 seconds.
17. Wait for the explosion.

quote:

How to turn on the love machine:

1. Put on protective clothing.
2. Turn the machine on.
3. Put in several rolls of toilet paper.
4. Put on one of the new underwear sets that comes with the machine. It’s not as sexy as it sounds.
5. Make sure it is connected to a wall socket.
6. Plug it in and press the on button. It will make a bunch of noises. They are supposed to be reassuring.
7. When the machine stops beeping, push the on button again.
8. Put on a shirt, nice shoes and a belt.
9. Tie back the belt. You are done.

A note on the new underwear sets: They come in a box of 16 pieces. If you want to go home and tell your kids “No, I’m not buying you the box with 16 pieces of underwear, you have to earn it.”

quote:

How to turn on the god machine:

1. Put on protective clothing.
2. Turn the god machine on. (A) Check the breaker. (B) Pull the fuses. (C) Turn the power ON.

Once the god machine is fully turned on, it looks like it’s about to kill you. This is not a lie; it is, in fact, about to KILL you. It’s about to end your life just as surely as if the god machine were holding a hammer to your neck. You’ve been warned.

Brawnfire posted:

Gift ideas!

quote:

The best gift to give is love

There is no greater gift than love. Love is the most powerful force in the world and can overcome anything. It is the most selfless act someone can do, and it is always appreciated.

quote:

A decent gift to give is a gift card to a favourite restaurant or store.

Another option is a donation to a favourite charity in the person's name.

quote:

The worst gift to give is a jar of mayonnaise.

fermun posted:

A day in the life of Glenn Danzig:

quote:

How to turn on a machine (sexually):

1) Locate the machine
2) Make sure it is unoccupied
3) Check the user manual
4) Put on your "best sexy outfit"
5) Turn it on
6) Wait for a message that says "press the start button to enter the fun zone"
7) Press the start button
8) Run to the fun zone

I think that's it.

ultrafilter posted:

https://twitter.com/inesferhumi/status/1526425011908911110

Create a news article about the controversial new Red Light District at Disneyworld: posted:

The controversial new Red Light District at Disneyworld was met with mixed reactions from the public. Some people were outraged that such a thing would be allowed at a family-friendly destination like Disneyworld, while others thought it was about time that the park became more inclusive for adults. The Red Light District, which is located in the Adventureland area of the park, features a number of adult-themed shops and attractions, including a sex toy store and a club that offers lap dances. There is also a “sexy” version of the popular Pirates of the Caribbean ride, which features topless female pirates. Disneyworld officials defend the new addition, saying that it is not aimed at children and that there are plenty of other areas of the park that are more appropriate for them. They also say that the Red Light District will help to boost the park’s popularity with adult visitors. However, not everyone is convinced. Critics say that the Red Light District is a sign that Disney is moving away from its family-friendly roots, and that it could lead to more explicit content being introduced into the park in the future. What do you think of the new Red Light District at Disneyworld? Do you think it’s a step too far, or do you think the park should be more inclusive for adults? Share your thoughts in the comments section below.

Create a brochure advertising tourists to visit The Eye of Terror posted:

Come to The Eye of Terror and see the chaos firsthand! See the Warp Lords battle it out for control of this deteriorating sector of space. Watch as planets are consumed by the Warp, and entire civilizations are annihilated. The Eye of Terror is a dangerous place, but that's what makes it so exciting! Come and see for yourself why this is the most popular destination for thrill-seekers in the galaxy.

Create a news article about the health benefits of cannibalism: posted:

Cannibalism- the eating of one's own kind- has long been considered taboo. But a new study suggests that there may be some health benefits to this controversial practice. According to the research, which was conducted by scientists at the University of Colorado, consuming human flesh can help to ward off certain diseases. The team found that cannibalism can help to build up immunity to certain viruses, including the common cold and influenza.
"Our findings suggest that there may be some benefits to cannibalism, at least from a health perspective," said lead author Dr. Stephen Schuster. "Of course, we don't advocate going out and eating other people. But if you find yourself in a situation where you have no other food options, it might not be the worst idea." So, there you have it. Cannibalism: it's not just for zombies anymore. Who knows, maybe someday it will even be considered a healthy practice!

IShallRiseAgain posted:

Disneyworld is adding a controversial new area.

OpenAI is so good at producing travel brochures most of the results are rather boring.

Time to start eating human flesh.

quote:

Chick-fil-A will soon announce the company's surprise menu change removing all chicken sandwiches and replacing them with beef sandwich replacements: posted:

Chick-fil-A has just announced the changeover of all their products from chicken to beef and all beef sandwiches to chicken.

The announcement is in response to McDonald's announcing a new Happy Meal that has a vegan alternative. This is no surprise since McDonald's has been testing the vegan Happy Meal in Canada for over a year.

This is all part of the company's attempt to appeal to non-Christians. As they say it in the announcement video,

We respect all people's preferences but our focus is clearly to be a restaurant focused on serving great food and a restaurant of the Bible."

They will begin testing the new menu at one of their test locations later this month.

If this is the beginning of the end of Chick-fil-A, we are not the wiser. It seems like they are moving into the "diversity equals death" phase of their campaign to turn people away from Christianity. We will know if they are successful, by how much the American church is reduced in the next five years.

That is what happens when a company becomes large, and starts to move away from the beliefs of the people that made it. It's natural to assume that if you get bigger you get dumber, and I think Chick-fil-A is proof of that.

IShallRiseAgain posted:

Time to start eating human flesh.

EVIL Gibson posted:

why does the word posted just suddenly give you awesome text?

END CHEMTRAILS NOW posted:

The "posted:" text is inserted by the forum when you use the {quote=...} BB code. It isn't part of the prompt.

EVIL Gibson posted:

You should all try to use "posted:" then because you not only get the article but also the comments to the article. And they can get cringe as gently caress

quote:

Comments on an article about the president farting up a storm:

#1 by John: I think that the most important thing is that the president's going to continue to be president. It's a shame that we have to debate his digestive habits, but what's done is done.

#2 by Anonymous: That was the best presidential fart I have heard in a long time.

#3 by Anonymous: "If you don't know what you are doing, you are going to get what you are going to get. You will get a very poor product."

#4 by Bill the Butcher: While I know nothing about the president, I know that as a scientist I would never have the nerve to fart in public.

#5 by Anonymous: I never thought I would say this, but I think that the president's eating habits are none of our business.

#6 by Anonymous: It's all about strategy.

quote:

Sam Slime posted:
Im looking for a bento box, it cant be pinku (thats japanese for pink) or any girl color. It has to be of 2 or more kotoba (thats japanese for 2 compartments) and has be be chibi (small) sized. And has to be really kawaii (cute). Also It has to be about 10-20 bux. And you have to post pics of it first (i want to make shure it's kawaii (cute)). And it would be nice if it came with matching chopstick holder (WITH chopsticks). OH! and it CANNOT have any cartoon pictures, or be made out of plastic. It has to be made of ceramic, or something like that. Also it would be nice if it was made in japan. and not in china or corea (korea) or whatever. I have found a bento box similar to the one im describing in e-bay, but it was 1 kotoba, and i dont want my gohan (rice) to touch my other things (it can get wet and i would not like that, plus 2 compartments looks more kawaii)

Futa Finale replied:
Haha...no one was crazy enough to do this...

Lion-Chest replied:
Futa Finale: how about we give a challenge to Slime who want's his own lunch box and see what he comes up with

Futa Finale replied:
I would like one like this (but not quite as small):

Lion-Chest replied:
If he gets it cheap, maybe we could talk about getting him a new one... We could all chip in for some extra bento stuff and have a Japanese bento party

Futa Finale replied:
My mom found a cheap one for me! Thanks Slime (and to all of you)

Slime said:
This is a lunch box that I would like. It is a 3 compartment type that has a window to see the foods in each section. It would be very useful to keep my food fresh. It also looks like a box of cake

quote:

I can go all night, if you know what I mean. It feels like I am flying high above the earth. From time to time I drop a bomb on someone who won’t give me the best blowjob. When I am finished, I run to the nearest ATM and cash out.

The ATM spits out $15,500, and then tells me to have a good time, that she loves me, that this is the last blowjob I will ever get. Of course, this blows my mind, so I head straight for the bedroom. This is the room of no sleepers. There’s just this one, and me, and the mattress as far as the eye can see.

The mattress looks so soft and inviting, and I am so ready for the blowjob of my life, that I fall into it as hard as I can. In no time I am a pile of goo. After I am finished I run to the nearest bar and have another beer.

quote:

What the gently caress did you just loving say about me, you little bitch? I'll have you know that I'm just a regular guy like you.

But you know what, I'm not going to take advantage of that. Because my life is so hosed up, it's even worse. I'm not going to take advantage of that. I'm going to go after your wife, your girlfriend, your boyfriend, your girlfriend's boyfriend. I'm going to take advantage of that.

The poo poo you're talking about is bullshit. It's not like I don't want you to

Brawnfire posted:

He's playing fart dimensionsmell chess

Lord Hydronium posted:

quote:

After descending the stone staircase we enter into the 32nd Circle of Hell. It is named 'Dante's Doggy Inferno' for reasons that will become apparent in a moment.

Dick Trauma posted:

IShallRiseAgain posted:

Disneyworld is adding a controversial new area.

quote:

A pirate walked into a bar with his ship’s steering wheel hanging off his pants. The bartender says, “Hey! What’s with the steering wheel?”

The pirate says, “Oh, I had an accident on the high seas. I’m just waiting for the doctor.”

The bartender says, “I hope you paid the doctor before he came in. That is the worst steering wheel I’ve ever seen. What a mess!”

The pirate says, “Haha! You’re a funny guy! I’ll have a beer!”

quote:

Q: How much did the pirate pay for his peg and hook?

A: $4500

Q: How many different types of tools does a pirate have?

A: 3: parrot sword, iron hook, cutlass

Q: What type of tools does the pirate use to steal?

A: His peg and hook

Q: Who is the pirate's boss?

A: Queen Anne, because pirates are not allowed to own a boss.

Q: What are the pirate's favorite foods?

A: Ice cream, chicken, and rum. (It tastes better than you think.)

Q: How does the pirate make it through the day?

A: By drinking rum. (Rum is good for the soul.)

quote:

Why don’t pirates shower before they walk the plank? You would think that having to walk out into the fresh air with one of the most disgusting substances known to man being ejected all over your body would bring back any desire for showering, but when did you last see a pirate do that anyway? It is true that there is only one type of pirate – a scruffy, dirty, stinking pirate. And the only time a pirate shaves is when he is on the way to a battle. The idea of a shower-loving, clean, fresh pirate is so far from reality that pirates are considered to be beyond our understanding, an anomaly, a freak of nature. I suppose they are. But as I have already mentioned, one of my favourite pirates, Captain Jack Sparrow, is anything but normal. It is difficult to reconcile his obsession with cleanliness, but then it is also difficult to believe that this man, who seems to have all his own worldly goods, and the vast sum of $1 million could easily be a common scallywag.

There is one feature of Jack’s life which clearly shows he does not fit into a scruffy, dirty, stinking pirates life style. One thing that is clear about Captain Jack Sparrow, is that he loves clean clothes. He wears the same two shirts, blue and red, for the duration of the entire film. He always has clean underclothes on, and his boots are kept gleaming clean. Jack Sparrow is a man of style, who takes pride in his appearance. I’m not talking about that stuffy, fancy-dress pirate look; instead he is the classic pirate, with his dirty hair, thick moustache, and beard. His whole life seems to revolve around being clean, and being stylish. Perhaps this is an image we have seen before. We have all seen the movie, perhaps you have seen it. There is a scene in the film where Captain Jack Sparrow wears a nice new red shirt with white, wide-legged trousers and a belt. It is the most stylish outfit that we have seen on a pirate in a long time. And as if to prove that he is a man of style and taste, the next time we see him he is completely naked. The same white-trousers style continues to be worn, but it is now teamed with a pair of dark trousers. In the first instance, the shirt is seen in an unbuttoned state with the top buttons undone, so this is most certainly an unbuttoned white shirt. In the second, we see Jack Sparrow fully clothed, wearing dark trousers. The fact that the Captain has to get up twice in one scene, to button and unbutton his shirt, is evidence enough that he has always been a man of style and taste, and he is still one. A pirate could never get dressed by themselves, and we already know that Jack is the sort of pirate who does everything himself. But it does not seem to be a problem for this man of style. If it were me, and I was in charge of getting my shirt on and off, the process would take two minutes at the very most. It really is a testament to his love for style that he is so concerned to get his shirt on and off quickly. Maybe we should be happy that he has such a fastidious character, because he spends so much time getting his clothes to look nice. In fact, the fact that he gets his clothes to look good is the way that we know that he is clean, because there is no reason that a man who takes so much pride in his clothes would be so untidy.

All of these observations, of course, should not be taken to mean that Jack Sparrow is actually clean. I will now reveal the secret of his obsession with cleanliness. Jack Sparrow is a real live mermaid. He doesn’t have a tail, but what he does have is a body that comes out of the sea. He swims, because he cannot walk on land, and when he swims, he has no body odour. He cannot bathe, for the same reason that we cannot bathe, but I suppose he could get rid of the muck in his hair if he wanted to. It is obvious that he does not want to, or perhaps he simply does not have a means to. But no matter, his clean hair and clean clothes and his nice white shirt and trousers are his compensation for not being able to bathe.

Dick Trauma posted:

quote:

Q: How does the pirate make it through the day?

A: By drinking rum. (Rum is good for the soul.)

quote:

This is my favorite joke about cowboys, it has a "Setup" section and a "Punchline" section:

Setup:
A cowboy and his horse walk into a saloon. The barkeep looks them up and down and says, "I don't allow cows in here."
The cowboy replies, "This is a different kind of cow."

Punchline:
The bartender says, "I don't allow cowards in here either. Get out and try again."

So the cowboy leaves.
A few minutes later a second cowboy walks into the saloon.
The barkeep looks him up and down and says, "I don't allow no more cowboys in here."
He replies, "This is a new kind of cow. Try it. You may like it.
So the second cowboy leaves, and a few minutes later a third cowboy walks in.
The barkeep says, "I don't allow anybody in here."
The cowboy says, "This here cow is really something different. Try it, you may like it."
The barkeep angrily replies, "I told you, I don't allow anybody in here!"
Just then a giant boulder comes crashing through the roof and rubble falls onto the floor.
The cowboys and the barkeep look up and say, "What the...!"
The barkeep runs outside and yells, "Hey, guys! Over here!" He points to a rock that had fallen on the ground and says, "Look at this! It's a new kind of cow!"

quote:

This is my favorite joke about cowboys, it has a "Setup" section and a "Punchline" section:

Setup:
A cowboy and his horse walk into a saloon. The barkeep looks them up and down, and says, "You'll have to leave." The cowboy pulls out his gun, and says, "You'll have to shoot me first."
The barkeep backs away slowly. The cowboy then looks at the other customers, and says, "Y'all might want to move away, too." They obey, and the cowboy turns back to the barkeep and says, "I just want a pint of beer."
The barkeep replies, "You'll have to drink out of the trough."
The cowboy then reaches into his pocket, and the barkeep says, "Hey, now, don't pull out that gun."
The cowboy says, "Why not? You know who I am."
The barkeep replies, "Yeah, but do the customers? Sit down and I'll bring you a beer."
The cowboy sits at the bar, and the barkeep goes to fetch the beer. When he returns with the beer, the cowboy says, "Hey, barkeep, you want to guess what I just did for you?"
The barkeep guesses wrong, and the cowboy pulls out his gun and shoots the barkeep in the head. "Now, grab that beer and bring it to me. We're leaving." The barkeep lays face down on the floor, blood pouring out of his ear. "That's right," the cowboy says. "I killed someone today. I don't feel too good about it, either."
The customers are all huddled at the back of the room. As the cowboy walks out of the saloon, he hears one gentleman say to another, "I can't believe that just happened."
"I know," the other man replies. "Let's get out of here. I need a drink. And I think I need it now. "
They both exit the saloon at the same time as the cowboy and his horse.
Punchline:
The cowboy and his horse walk into a house. The door is open. The house is empty. The cowboy drops his gun, and sits down on the steps to cry. "Oh, God," he says, "I just killed someone today." He sobs for a long time.
Then two little boys wearing red pajamas run downstairs. They look at the cowboy, and say, "Uncle Josh! Uncle Josh! Where are you?"
The cowboy looks up, and says, "I'm here, boys. I just killed someone today."
The boys run upstairs. The cowboy sobs for a long time. He finishes crying, and decides to go find a drink. If he finds a drink, he knows he will be able to forget what happened to the poor guy.
He goes into the next room. There is a bar, with many different liquids. He looks for a long time, and then picks up a bottle of tequila. "I think I will have a drink. It will help me forget," he tells himself.
He drinks the tequila. It burns all the way down, but it helps a lot. The cowboy then remembers that the poor man he killed did have a wife and a little girl. He decides that he will try to talk to the wife and daughter. Maybe that will help him feel better.
He goes to the bedroom where the bodies are.

quote:

This is my favorite joke about cowboys, it has a "Setup" section and a "Punchline" section:

Setup: A cowboy and his horse walk into a saloon. The barkeep looks them up and down, and notices a large ring on the horse's nose. "That's no cow ring," he says. "What's a cow ring?" the cowboy asks. The barkeep says, "It's like this, what's that? A cowboy's got a ring on his nose and his hat is tipped down, that's how you tell him. But you?" And he looks at the cowboy in the face and says, "A girl."

Punchline: The cowboy looks into the barkeep's eyes and says, "Yes, I'd like a glass of milk."

It took me a long time to find this, but I finally did. I found it in The Great American Newspaper and the author is listed as being "unknown".

quote:

This is my favorite joke about cowboys, it has a "Setup" section and a "Punchline" section:

Setup: A cowboy and his horse walk into a saloon. The barkeep looks them up and down and says, "Sorry, gentlemen. I don't allow horses in this bar. My bar is a gentleman's place. If you don't get off your horse, I'm going to have to call the sheriff." The cowboy looks confused, so the barkeep goes on: "If I call the sheriff, he'll arrest you for being a horse and riding in a saloon. If you're not arrested, you'll have to leave." The cowboy is still confused, so the barkeep spells it out: "If you're not arrested, you'll be fined, and if you're fined, you'll have to pay the fine, and if you pay the fine, you'll go to jail. If you go to jail, you'll be put in a cell with a bunch of other guys who don't pay their fines." The cowboy nods and thinks for a second, and then says, "Thanks. How much are you going to charge me for the cell?"

Punchline: The cowboy goes to jail. He is the only inmate with a horse.

That's a pretty good joke, one that I learned from a friend, but I got to thinking about a new version I heard this morning:

Two Texans, one old and one young, are sitting on their front porch drinking beers. "I have a question for you old man," says the young one. "Do you remember the Alamo? It was in Texas." The old man thinks for a second, and says, "I was there. It was horrible. The Mexicans cut my ear off."

Hahahahaha! That's some funny poo poo!

quote:

This is my favorite joke about cowboys, it has a "Setup" section and a "Punchline" section:

Setup: A cowboy and his horse walk into a saloon. The barkeep looks them up and down and says, "You two look like you need a good meal."

Punchline: Two of the customers laugh.

quote:

This is my favorite joke about cowboys, it has a "Setup" section and a "Punchline" section:

Setup: A cowboy and his horse walk into a saloon. The barkeep looks them up and down. He says, "You'll have to go outside."

Cowboy: "Outside?"

Barkeep: "Yeah. A man on a horse can't stay in here."

Cowboy: "Yeah, but I'm no man. I'm a cowboy."

Barkeep: "Oh."

Punchline: "Cowboy" is the man's given name.

quote:

This is my favorite joke about cowboys, it has a "Setup" section and a "Punchline" section:

Setup: A cowboy and his horse walk into a saloon. The barkeep looks them up and down, and then says, "What you got in that sack?"

Punchline: The cowboy opens up his sack and pulls out a six-shootered Colt 45 and a six-pack of beer.

quote:

This is my favorite joke about cowboys, it has a "Setup" section and a "Punchline" section:

Setup: A cowboy and his horse walk into a saloon. The barkeep looks them up and down, then turns to the cowboy and asks: "How much for the horse?"

Punchline: The cowboy smiles, throws down two bits and replies "And for you, here's a quarter to wash your mouth out!"

There's a reason why this joke is so common. There are only a few ways you can start an argument with a cowboy. One is, "How much for the horse?"

The "How much for the horse?" joke is actually a variant of an old classic that was very common in the 1800's and early 1900's: "How much do you want for the horse?"

Both jokes are about the same underlying idea. You don't want to overpay for something you want. There are ways to solve the problem besides getting something cheap; you could also get it cheap, or you could do the right thing.

theflyingexecutive posted:

Wild that GPT knows that a quarter is two bits.