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Anyone here familiar with PDA (Pathological Demand Avoidance/Persistent Drive for Autonomy) as a form/presentation of autism? I stumbled across folks talking about it on autism tiktok and it's resonating a lot with our autistic 4yo really struggling with meltdowns specifically during transitions and regression for potty training. His troubles definitely come across as seeming stressed/anxious over control and not over sensory stimulation from our perspective, which is what PDA seems to be about as a kind of autism. From what I can tell, it's not officially recognized in the US yet, but does seem to be in the UK and Australia.
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May 12, 2022 12:14
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It's 'officially' recognised in the sense that psychologists talk about it at an academic level and observe it in kids, but beyond that, not much. If a kid goes to the right school or has parents with enough resources, they might get diagnosed with it and the school might be forced to acknowledge it if it's part of their profile. Outside of education though, not really. Most non-SEN trained people and even some older GPs and social workers will simply refuse to believe neurodiversity is at play and brand them lazy / difficult, especially if they're from a less well-off background. There is unlikely to be any support in adult life. As with so much autistic behaviour, it's seen as something you should have 'gotten over by now,' even if it was never acknowledged or recognised and you never recieved support for / training to combat it. These videos are pitched at adults with ADHD, but the advice may help for what may be going on: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Uo08uS904Rg https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hlObsAeFNVk https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OM0Xv0eVGtY I did have a gigantic post of advice for something to try, but I'm not a psychologist, just someone who recognises growing up with PDA and the walls I ran into repeatedly.
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May 12, 2022 14:00
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I got diagnosed with Autism & ADHD (inattentive) yesterday. I was shocked by how easy the entire process was, which was all done remotely. The assessor was great and not demeaning in any way, got the results about a month after the first intake. This might be because I went through an Autism support network and not a private practitioner, but now I'm just trying to process everything and see what my next steps are. The ADHD was a surprise, but it made sense after the assessor explained herself (she was shocked that this was never brought up in my past, but it's probably because of my family not really understanding the full depth of what ADHD means and just assumed it meant "hyperactive" literally.) I'm so relieved. 
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May 20, 2022 16:18
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Welcome, neurosibling!
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May 20, 2022 16:50
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Adult diagnosis is a wild ride, but it's a very rewarding one to be on, congrats!
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May 20, 2022 17:21
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Does anyone else struggle with compliments? Giving them, specifically. I don't know if this is just me being weird or if it's a quirk shared with other autistic people. I don't like giving compliments ("you are pretty", or "you're very talented" or whatever) because they don't just feel artificial, they feel blatantly artificial to the point where... when I say a compliment out loud, it's so manufactured that it just feels like it's secretly ironic or I'm actually making fun of a person. A lady I was failing to be intimate with told me I don't compliment her enough. I asked what she meant, and she said I don't say she's pretty. So I argued, no, I don't say "you're pretty" but I did loving go on for a very long time about the very specific and personal qualities of your cornea, how it reflects the light in a fascinating way that I don't normally notice in others, and your ability to move in dance is like watching mist flow, and how you have a smile that can capture a person's attention, and I feel like these are sort of like compliments but, in my opinion, better because I'm actually talking about something instead of nothing. I also hate receiving compliments. Partly that is just my own struggle, but a lot of it is just because they're all so empty and hollow and there are things being said in a compliment that I can't fully parse. For instance, I paint. I would definitely not say I'm a good painter, but I'm a pretty okay artist. My technical skills are what they are, but I can do some good stuff within my limitations. And when someone who is not a painter and not an artist looks at my painting and they tell me "You're a really good painter" I just don't know what they mean. Based on what? Compared to what? I thank them for their compliment, but I'm left wondering if that person actually thinks one way or the other about my art because it's such a broad compliment that it just sounds like they're being polite. Which makes me think they actually don't think I'm a good painter. Which I'm not, but Compliments are frustrating. You're pretty. There, I said it. Ignore all that sincere poo poo I said earlier; you're just pretty.
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May 24, 2022 03:36
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credburn posted:Does anyone else struggle with compliments? Giving them, specifically. I don't know if this is just me being weird or if it's a quirk shared with other autistic people. I feel like that might just be a communication mismatch issue. I'm sure the divide is related to being neurotypical vs neurodivergent, but probably not 100% an indicator. I would have said before reading your post that I feel like I give compliments normally, but I would much rather give and receive compliments like the ones you described (being detailed, specific, and in depth) than something generic like "you're pretty". I would have thought that others felt the same way but maybe I'm wrong (or maybe your lady friend had a particular hangup about being called pretty). I have gotten more used to receiving compliments over time. I used to deflect with self-deprecating remarks or turning the compliment back around but I've built up a mindset (and this was intentional and took time, so I'm not saying "oh it's so easy, just accept the compliments!") that actually yes, I am a boss, and I am awesome. Thank you for the compliment. As for giving compliments, it's another one of those rules of society that you have to learn and practice, like small talk. It often feels insincere, but I do it because I know it makes things run more smoothly.
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May 24, 2022 14:47
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If I'm really appreciative I feel like saying "Thank you, that way very kind of you" is closer to the intent. I also have tobstopbmyself from pointing out all the reasons why the complement is wrong and then quickly correct with, like, "oh but thank you I mean" SetsunaMeioh posted:This might be because I went through an Autism support network and not a private practitioner 
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May 24, 2022 17:04
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Here's a perhaps somewhat random question: Does anybody here have issues with selective hearing/listening? I was at a conference for work yesterday, and partway through they started playing fairly loud music as ambience. From that point forwards I basically could not understand a single thing anybody said, even if they were right in front of me more or less talking right into my ear. I could hear that they were saying words of some sort, but I could not make them out aside from some rare snippets. At first I figured that was just a matter of the music being too loud, but on a second look I realized that pretty much everybody else seemed to have absolutely no problem whatsoever carrying on conversations as normal, not even with particularly raised voices. Is that an actual thing with autism, or is it more likely that I just have plain old hearing damage?
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May 25, 2022 23:21
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If you don't have hearing problems otherwise it might be auditory processing disorder. I know it shows up along with ADHD reasonably often and I wouldn't be surprised if it's more common with autism too.
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May 26, 2022 00:32
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I know I have problems focussing on talk if there's two much going on around me. When there's too many conversations happening, it kind of all blends together. Music is very distracting, because I enjoy listening to it and actually use it as a distraction in crowded places. I'm pretty much resigned to only catching half the dialogue in the series we're watching right now, because the music is pretty distracting. It shouldn't be hearing issues in my case, because I normally have very good hearing. Status of my assessment if anybody is curious: The doctor said she needed those questionnaires from my parents, but we agreed that I would only send them after she was relatively certain it wouldn't be a negative diagnosis. That happened two weeks ago. My mother said she'd seen some autistic traits when I was a child, but in other ways I didn't fit, so they ignored it. My father is completely convinced that it's nothing. Both of them have buried me under a mountain of "This is completely normal" and "Here's a situation where you acted normal" proofs. They filled out the questionnaires about my childhood, but I feel like they went about this with the idea of proving that I wasn't autistic in their mind. For example, there was a question about if I was more uncomfortable in social situations than alone as a child, and I know I have always been more comfortable alone, but they still answered no, because they didn't have to drag me kicking and screaming to my grandmother's house. I tried to adress this. There were more "This is completely normal"s and "I know this guy who also doesn't like looking people in the eye and he's normal"s. So, not very happy with this. Then I caught Covid and the whole thing had to be put on hold for two weeks. Really not happy with this.
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May 26, 2022 07:50
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Yeah that's pretty much why I didn't do the parent questionnaire bit when I did my assessment, I was concerned it wouldn't be accurate to what I remembered of my experience. My psych didn't have a problem with that though and it wasn't necessary for my assessment. Kinda sucks if it is for yours - can you substitute in another relative or someone else who's known you for a long time?
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May 26, 2022 11:31
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FilthyImp posted:If I'm really appreciative I feel like saying "Thank you, that way very kind of you" is closer to the intent. I went through GRASP, which is local to me & they recently changed their payment options for a simple assessment. I came in before those changes were made though, so I paid about $875 for the assessment and full report. Now the price is lower for the assessment and just a file stating your diagnosis (along with notes to hand into your job/medical provider if you wish to disclose.) My assessor said that I was under no obligation to disclose to anybody if I didn't want to, which was reassuring.
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May 26, 2022 13:46
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SetsunaMeioh posted:I went through GRASP, which is local to me & they recently changed their payment options for a simple assessment. I came in before those changes were made though, so I paid about $875 for the assessment and full report. Now the price is lower for the assessment and just a file stating your diagnosis (along with notes to hand into your job/medical provider if you wish to disclose.) My assessor said that I was under no obligation to disclose to anybody if I didn't want to, which was reassuring. Thanks for that, it's exactly what I'm looking for. It's a shame that assessment costs so much, but it is what it is I guess.
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May 26, 2022 14:36
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Count Thrashula posted:Thanks for that, it's exactly what I'm looking for. It's a shame that assessment costs so much, but it is what it is I guess. Agreed, especially since most places I've tried to look quoted their rates in the thousands. I'm fortunate to have enough in savings to justify the costs.
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May 26, 2022 14:48
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Violet_Sky posted:https://twitter.com/criprights/status/1514000003836289025 What I find really interesting about this is how different things are now vs. when I was a kid. When I was young, I was constantly ridiculed for the behaviour described in this thread. Nowadays, though, the average age when kids start using tablets/computers/smartphones keeps getting lower and lower (I know parents who have bought iPads for 12 month olds), and the expectation is gradually becoming that it's weirder to not spend time online than it is to spend time online.
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May 26, 2022 15:32
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Dr.D-O posted:Nowadays, though, the average age when kids start using tablets/computers/smartphones keeps getting lower and lower (I know parents who have bought iPads for 12 month olds), and the expectation is gradually becoming that it's weirder to not spend time online than it is to spend time online. I get you though, how abled culture looks down on and blocks neurodiverse accommodations until they are convenient/useful for them, like with things like work from home.
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May 26, 2022 15:50
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Dr.D-O posted:What I find really interesting about this is how different things are now vs. when I was a kid. I bet Covid helped normalize kids spending time online as well. It was how many of them could communicate with their friends safely.
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May 26, 2022 20:06
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Is there a thread for autism in children?
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May 28, 2022 14:07
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Clarence posted:Is there a thread for autism in children? No - I feel like this one is sorta all encompassing ?
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May 28, 2022 14:27
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This may be more suitable for one of the UK threads as it's specific to there. Micro-me almost certainly has some form of ASD. They're at a mainstream primary school (8) and have been on a waiting list for assessment for literally years with no sign of movement. If they get a diagnosis then the school would get additional funding to be able to handle them better. It would also give us more information and options as to an appropriate secondary school, as the local one (which mini-me attends) almost certainly wouldn't be a good fit. So we're looking at going private for a diagnosis and were wondering how to go about it. And the likely cost!
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May 30, 2022 09:56
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Whoops meant to post this in the ant thread
Cast_No_Shadow fucked around with this message at 22:48 on May 31, 2022 |
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May 31, 2022 22:33
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Cast_No_Shadow posted:Whoops meant to post this in the ant thread I watched a documentary with my partner last night about bees and I spent the entire time comparing the bees to ants and generally spouting ant facts from the ant thread, so honestly that thread is also autistic culture.
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Jun 1, 2022 01:34
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Organza Quiz posted:I watched a documentary with my partner last night about bees and I spent the entire time comparing the bees to ants and generally spouting ant facts from the ant thread, so honestly that thread is also autistic culture. I clicked on it once cause I was bored, I read the whole thing in one sitting. Ants absolutely are amazing.
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Jun 1, 2022 23:16
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Bobby Deluxe posted:As with so much autistic behaviour, it's seen as something you should have 'gotten over by now,' even if it was never acknowledged or recognised and you never recieved support for / training to combat it. I kinda think that my daughter(and her mom on her and her own behalf) have used her diagnosis as a crutch so much that she never learned to metaphorically walk. She got pegged early on and I was 15 when I got mine, but other things might be in play also for how we came very differently to approach things. She has no ambition and her mum lets her do nothing to the point she's been considered truant every year of school since she was 12 while I just showed up and was isolated or sent home. But at her age now she is no where ready for life as an adult. At her age I'd lived on my own for awhile and had a decent(illegal thought) hustle or two going. While she avoids people because some don't like her and her mum is scared to let her have a social life I at her age had already learned how to keep some people close and others at distance socially. Her mum is happy to treat her like a child for her whole life and she's happy to sit around playing on a phone or tablet for the rest of her life. Life and people can suck, but I do not like the way she's been taught to not deal with things. I dealt with a lot of bullshit before my diagnosis. A decade of amphetamines surely didn't help and them upping the dose when I paid less attention(easy way to tell the difference between not paying attention and not being able to is that getting someone spun out doesn't help when the person doesn't care. And in the case of someone prone to hyperfocus on things it becomes more problematic to give them amphetamines.) leading to a very persistant thing of me barely sleeping and having a latent addiction to amphetamines, which I managed to kick when I had something important to care about. But, the point I've been trying to set up is that the whole 'getting over/used it' thing is pretty poo poo. I'm 36 and still am a weird dude. I still have things about me that are odd to most people and kinda funny to others(people that know me well get a kick outta some of the things I do/say because they know I generally also find humour in them), but I'm still not great at things and I normally don't tell people about me being autistic until there is some issue to justify it. I live in a world where it's still not understood and I've been told I'm not autistic so many times because I am smarter than the person saying it and they have anecdotal experience with one autistic person that isn't the same rear end me. It's a loving shame when they say their kid is autistic and they've not even learned that there is a spectrum. I realized something though awhile back. I'd have done well in the military. I think anyone that can have taken prison as a positive probably would. Maybe I'd have been done good being taught structure before I got myself into trouble. But, maybe also I'm one of the kind of people that make decisions based on what I want for the future. I'd rather be miserable for a few months if it sets up my future. I've chosen some pretty poo poo ways to live to gen up money for where i wanted to be. I tried getting a court to give me a one year prison sentence over 2 years of probation kuz i didn't wanna waste time in the same situation that got me in trouble. 6 months in prison and I'd have left the state. I didn't get to take a nice deal and was stuck in a poo poo town where I couldn't get a job or do poo poo. The only job offer I had got shot down by my probation officer so I ended up moving to a farm someone I knew owned and rented it with no water and almost no electric and did that while carrying water back out of town to the farm just to be able to drink and eat, because there was no kitchen and I had to cook everything with boiling water from a kettle. But still no problem, I grew up to do the poo poo I had to do. I grew up figuring out how to make poo poo work. I didn't get to sit around and do gently caress all. But, to violently drag myself back from tangential exposition. I got lucky to have life be hard enough that I learned to get by in it. That still did gently caress all for how I am basally. I met and dated a woman last year and explained pretty early that I'm me and such and my retisence to do things wasn't to do with her but rather my just not wanting to. We spent most of out time together walking around for hours or at my place. It's not the best way to go about stuff I think, but being around people that I don't want to talk around doesn't really make for good conversation. Neutral walk and chat is nice. I still am not great with people but I can sorta force myself through a bit. I tried to explain to my daughter that it doesn't get better but practice it gets easier. That's far from a 'got over it' thing.
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Jun 2, 2022 04:07
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Organza Quiz posted:I watched a documentary with my partner last night about bees and I spent the entire time comparing the bees to ants and generally spouting ant facts from the ant thread, so honestly that thread is also autistic culture. My wife and I have watched every documentary about birds we found. PBS did a DUCKumentary and i loving love that. I'm scared to watch insect docs kuz they are mindlessly efficient and I'd prob be stuck. If ya ever wanna look into a cool bird just look up the Harpy Eagle.
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Jun 2, 2022 04:10
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You should not be comparing your daughter to you. She is her own person.nesamdoom posted:I got lucky to have life be hard enough that I learned to get by in it. lmao gently caress you
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Jun 2, 2022 05:24
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nesamdoom posted:I tried to explain to my daughter that it doesn't get better but practice it gets easier. That's far from a 'got over it' thing. What you have is autistic trauma. Just because you had to learn those lessons and came out the other side, doesn't mean the way you learned them was right or that other people should have to go through that. You must be able to see that amphetamine abuse, criminality and wanting to go to prison are not healthy. I guess it's like if you imagine someone who went further down a bad road than you did, learned harder lessons than you did, suddenly walking up to you and saying 'right, you need to become even more hardened because there are nightmarishly bad things out there and I've dealt with them, so come on, up you get." You'd resent them. I'm in my forties and I'm only now starting to be happy because I'm unlearning all of the bullshit I picked up over the years just to fit in and be a part of society. You say she would be happy just being on her tablet all day. So let her be happy. You were forced to crawl through broken glass to get where you are and that's a hell of an achievement, but that doesn't mean that she does as well. And the other thing to bear in mind is that she might not respond or survive the same way you did. Different people have different levels of functionality and severity. What you learned to fight and push through might break her. It's hard for survivors to understand that, because accepting that it might be bad for her is part of accepting that it was bad for you, which nobody wants to do. I don't know, one of the things that did me the most damage was one of my parents really drilling into me that I have to be social, I have to be outgoing. I absolutely exhausted myself and made myself miserable in my twenties because of it. And when I did take time for myself, I felt guilty. It's only now I'm older and taking more time for myself that I'm actually feeling happy more days than not. I don't know if this is clear enough or if it's going to come across as an attack, which is not at all what I intend. I'm just saying that every parent passes their generationsl trauma on to their kids unless they are absolutely 100% conscious of it at all times, and it sounds like you had a ton of poo poo dumped on you from an early age. You might think that's what you're protecting your daughter from but ask yourself - is the 'cure' worse than the symptom?
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Jun 2, 2022 16:51
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Dance Officer posted:You should not be comparing your daughter to you. She is her own person. gently caress me because I didn't let problems stop me from being happy? And if ya didn't know a parental aspect is preparing children for life.
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Jun 2, 2022 21:19
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Bobby Deluxe posted:
Several good points. Maybe I should just let her enjoy herself. I don't want to see her waste potential, but I guess it's her life. To be clear I'm pretty happy things have been much easier for her. I don't think she's ready for some of the stuff life might(or might not) throw at her. I'll just have to help if I can if she needs. You're right though on the bad things bit. There's not much sense wanting her to be conditioned to deal with things that aren't likely to be a problem for her. I'm still gonna be annoyed about some stuff but prob best to not dwell on it. Thanks for the perspective.
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Jun 2, 2022 21:28
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Also she might need more/different supports and accommodations than you did even everything else being equal.
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Jun 2, 2022 22:51
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nesamdoom posted:gently caress me because I didn't let problems stop me from being happy? You've gone way past that and internalised several really hosed up things as actually being good for you. Also realise that your daughter is 15. She's not supposed to be independent yet.
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Jun 6, 2022 11:51
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nesamdoom, you sound like one of those people who goes "Well, I was spanked as a child and I turned out fine!" when they're struggling with some major problems. It isn't your fault you've been mistreated and traumatized in the past, but that doesn't mean what happened to you should happen to other people. Two points about your kid being a phone-addicted teen with no ambitions: 1. That sounds pretty normal, actually. Like, that describes a ton of neurotypical teens, and yeah, a lot of those kids are going to be "failures," but a lot of them won't. It's natural to want your kid to grow up successful in the eyes of society, but social and financial success aren't everything. Many "successful" people are miserable, many "unsuccessful" people are content. As long as she's getting her basic needs met without being abused or exploited, I don't think there's a problem here. 2. Could it be that your daughter is using her phone to socialize with her peers in a way that's more appropriate for her than face-to-face communication? Chat channels and social media posts offer several advantages to autistic communicators: asynchronous responses mean more time to gather one's thoughts and form a cogent response, the lack of facial expressions and body language means no non-verbal information to process, holding a device and typing provides manual stimulation, text communication eliminates the need to speak words for those who struggle with talking. Furthermore, people form online communities based on mutual interests -- it's fantastic to drop into a ready-made group that's just as obsessed with that thing you love as you are. She may even be in contact with autistic peers, providing her with support she may not get from her IRL social groups. I worry that if you cut off her phone use in the name of making her socialize face-to-face, you'd be cutting her off from one of her best ways to communicate, build social skills, and maintain friendships. That isn't to say that your daughter's phone use is not without its problems. Online bullying and cancelling are risks for all social media users, screen time may affect her sleep habits or grades, etc. I think it's reasonable to try and help her find things to do that aren't online. For instance, I find that I am more engaged with the people and things around me when I am knitting than when I am on my phone or computer: the repetitive motion is a good stim, but it usually doesn't suck me in like the screen does. Are there any hobbies that your daughter might like to try? Drama classes can help autistic people communicate better with neurotypicals, sports can build coordination, crafts are a good stim, books tell us stories that help us process the world around us. All these things have communities associated with them that may provide your daughter with IRL friends. I wouldn't try to force her to do something she hates, but it's worth thinking about.
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Jun 6, 2022 17:54
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Dance Officer posted:You've gone way past that and internalised several really hosed up things as actually being good for you. I remember being 15 and having no idea of how to accomplish anything on my own. It's a normal part of life. The whole point of high school is to prepare children for post-secondary and independent life. You might think your daughter is unprepared but you are not her. She probably has her own fears and goals that she doesn't tell her parents about because they won't understand. (Teen logic, I know) Part of growing up is finding your own space to be you, away from your folks. Tablets and the like can help neurodivergent people find those spaces.
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Jun 6, 2022 18:00
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Dance Officer posted:You've gone way past that and internalised several really hosed up things as actually being good for you. She's almost 18. And having no plan for the future and a 6th grade education is probably a bad thing to be entering adulthood with. For a bit of clarity on my point I'll add that both of her brothers now live with their dad because my ex wouldn't make them go to school or do anything either. My anger is not really with my daughter as much as with her mum for massively failing to parent. The lack of ambition annoys me, but that's not quite the same. Still I'd say that adaptability is a useful thing. You could say I internalised hosed up things incorrectly or I could say that I've continued to go on without letting setbacks disrupt my long term goals. Violet_Sky posted:I remember being 15 and having no idea of how to accomplish anything on my own. It's a normal part of life. The whole point of high school is to prepare children for post-secondary and independent life. You might think your daughter is unprepared but you are not her. She probably has her own fears and goals that she doesn't tell her parents about because they won't understand. (Teen logic, I know) Part of growing up is finding your own space to be you, away from your folks. Tablets and the like can help neurodivergent people find those spaces. She's not gone to highschool. She hasn't been made to go to school since middle school. She's not 15 she's nigh 18. 15 was only mentioned as the age I was diagnosed. Pththya-lyi posted:nesamdoom, you sound like one of those people who goes "Well, I was spanked as a child and I turned out fine!" when they're struggling with some major problems. It isn't your fault you've been mistreated and traumatized in the past, but that doesn't mean what happened to you should happen to other people. I don't think bad things should happen to her. But I think she should have a concept of things like cleaning up after herself, being able to cook or order food, or do anything really. Lacking the basics of being able to do these things doesn't line up with her diagnosis. She could micro some ramen but it's easier to just complain until someone does it for her. I'd be fine if she was using her phone to communicate, but I've not see her really use it for anything but having a bunch of accounts on games so she can team up with herself. And I tried getting her to take art classes because I figured she might like an environment that she should be comfortable in but couldn't get her to go. There's years worth of stuff that doesn't come across well with me explaining them partially.
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Jun 7, 2022 00:46
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I think you should share your concerns about your daughter's future with her and offer your support. If she was under your roof you'd be well within your rights to set rules she has to live by if she wants to stay, especially if she were younger. (I didn't pick up on her being almost an adult). But people don't change unless they want to. Trying to force a change most likely won't accomplish anything but putting a strain on your relationship. I understand it's hard to detach yourself from your worries for her: she is your child and you obviously care about her. But you can't make that change for her -- you can only control your own actions and reactions. Again, unless she is being exploited or abused, or unless she is not getting basic needs like food or shelter met, I do not think you should make a move beyond an offer of whatever support you are comfortable giving. Otherwise, for the sake of your own well-being, please don't take responsibility for your daughter's behavior or how her mother chooses to parent her.
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Jun 8, 2022 06:48
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Pththya-lyi posted:I think you should share your concerns about your daughter's future with her and offer your support. If she was under your roof you'd be well within your rights to set rules she has to live by if she wants to stay, especially if she were younger. (I didn't pick up on her being almost an adult). But people don't change unless they want to. Trying to force a change most likely won't accomplish anything but putting a strain on your relationship. I understand it's hard to detach yourself from your worries for her: she is your child and you obviously care about her. But you can't make that change for her -- you can only control your own actions and reactions. Again, unless she is being exploited or abused, or unless she is not getting basic needs like food or shelter met, I do not think you should make a move beyond an offer of whatever support you are comfortable giving. Otherwise, for the sake of your own well-being, please don't take responsibility for your daughter's behavior or how her mother chooses to parent her. That trying to deinvest in feeling responsible at this point has been rough. I'm mostly settled to just try to help if she wants later on, but for now I'm out of ideas that would benefit her unless I win a lottery.
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Jun 8, 2022 13:10
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The "people don't change unless they want to" bit twigs on something that's been bothering me for a lifetime, and discovering the Pathological Demand Avoidance subdiagnosis over the past weekend thanks to this page has really opened my eyes. I don't "want" anything, and to the best of my knowledge, never have. Life is about avoiding expectations and negative consequences including those that come about from not meeting my own quote "needs." I.e. the reason to have a relationship is in order to avoid feeling lonely, but get me close to being in a relationship and I start to melt down from the pressure. (Sex for example - you have to communicate that you _want_ your partner, that they are desirable, and I find myself more doing it because I want to make them happy so I don't lose them. Doesn't work out) It makes it almost impossible accomplish anything in therapy. Anyone got advice for learning to want to change? Car Hater fucked around with this message at 13:25 on Jun 8, 2022 |
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Jun 8, 2022 13:23
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A bit more clarity, like to have a positive desire and visualize an outcome from it. Goal-setting I guess, but this is the bit that ADHD has never been an adequate explanation for, and meds haven't helped. Near as I can tell, I'm not projecting my "self" forward into the future to generate the motivation to do things. All my actions are more like running from the past and I have no concept of how to be otherwise. I need a fecal matter transplant for my brain
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Jun 8, 2022 13:32
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| # ? Jun 3, 2024 10:43 |
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The best advice (and by that I mean it's the best I've found and it's still not great) is that neurodivergent people need to be given time to work out their own way of doing things. The corrolary to that obviously: the reality of modern life is that we don't always have the time, or our parents / loved ones don't always have the money to make that possible. nesamdoom's daughter reminds me of my uncle and cousin on my Dad's side. For some reason my mum grew up instilling in us an absolute hatred of both of them for being 'lazy' and our aunt "having [cousin] diagnosed with something so she didn't have to go to school / could get benefits," and now I'm older and starting to break out of the miserable expectations my parents put on me, I kind of think my aunt was in the right? Or at least that side of the family was dealing with a condition I nearly killed myself trying to ignore, and that was probably identified in my cousin by the school and not the parents. I am happier and interacting much better with people now I set my own limits on how often, and it's not under the pressure of trying to maintain a job and social circle that were good on paper but making me mentally and physically unwell. In fact I'd be much more able to pursue my own income now if I hadn't spent five years ignoring the symptoms of RSI because they were inconvenient to my boss. That uncle passed away a few years ago, before I got my diagnosis, and it rips at me that I never got to make up with him. I just want to talk to him because my memory of him was of him being like I am now, find out what it was like for him instead of getting twisted, judgemental second hand accounts from my mam who portrayed him as living the life of riley while we struggled. I've sort of strayed off the point which is that I'm more motivated to do things now because my brain can process what I'm currently doing into more direct results. I'm not trying to hold down a salary or grit my teeth and put up with nightclubs so I can point to the people I go drinking with and say 'see, I have friends,' I'm being creative and monetising it and watching a passive income grow, and I have a small but incredible circle of friends who respect my boundaries. But I am also incredibly lucky to have that opportunity, so my advice is less about what you should do, and more what you shouldn't do, which is run down your limited energy on things you don't even want. Bobby Deluxe fucked around with this message at 14:31 on Jun 8, 2022 |
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Jun 8, 2022 14:19
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