“autopsy-turvey” posted:

This week the shriveled husk of million term United States Senator and malevolent lich Jesse Helms was sealed in a bleak crypt deep beneath the sands of his native Stygia, North Carolina. Flowers placed on his grave by grieving shitheads withered and died within seconds.

Helms, known to friends and slaves alike as an unredeemed racist, was famous in the Senate for his passionate defense of segregation, opposition to the civil and voting rights acts, and his black crusade against the sun and all things which draw life from it.

As one of the first conservative talk radio hosts of the 1960’s Helms pioneered the technique of getting poor stupid whites to vote against their own interests by tricking them into hulking the gently caress out over black people, immigrants, and the betrayal of the Confederacy by jews, liberals, and the hated abstract concept of literacy. He went on to parley his repulsive backwoods celebrity with the curbstomp set into a long career in government where he played a prominent role in the unbelievably vicious and petty dixiecrat movement. His leadership resulted in a fundamental realignment of the American domestic political scene over the question of just how much we should hate niggers (”A whole lot”, contended Helms).

Long considered a strong contender for “worst person in the entire world” Helms in his declining years began to find that limited title constraining. Last summer recess he gathered together all the educated mulattos and wizened negro shaman from the swamps and dungeons of his grim feudal demesne and began a search for the blackest of black tomes, arts, and metal. That search culminated last week in his ascension to lichdom with the completion of a vile phylactery in the form of a fat lipped bejeweled bone sambo, pulsating with false life and the rhythm of hot jungle beats. His triumph over death itself coincides with a departure from this plane of existence for the astral realms, where he will spend the next thousand years pursuing recognition as the “worst person in the entire metaverse.”

Here on Earth Helms will be remembered as a southern gentleman, a family man, and the kind of guy that’ll eventually turn out to have dozens of child sized skeletons buried in his yard and whose family members when interviewed will say they thought he just liked collecting tiny shoes.

Tags: lichcraft, niggers