|
Searching through the winding crypts under Scranton, Jim eventually discovers the final resting place of Ally-Ka-Dabra, Scranton's most famous wizard. Jim forces open the decaying wooden coffin and spies what he's been hunting for - the mystical Orb of Amen-Tet, which grants the holder the ability to see 5 minutes into the future. Jim reaches for the orb, which is held tightly in the skeletal grip of Ally-Ka-Dabra, and yanks. The bones splinter away, the ravages of time having turned the once almighty magic master into just another decaying reminder of the past. Jim holds the orb above his head, feeling its eldritch energies flowing around the room. Jim's floppy hair begins to stand on end and he feels a tingle in each fingertip that touches the orb. "The power to see the future, can you imagine the pranking possibilities? 5 minutes ahead of Dwight, forever and ever. He'll never know what hit him!" At work the next day, Jim chucks the Orb at Dwight's head after painting it like a basketball. "Jeez Dwight, I knew white men couldn't jump, but I had no idea they couldn't catch, either!" Jim mugs for the camera.
|
#
?
Jul 12, 2022 12:16
|
|
|
|
| # ? May 30, 2024 09:23 |
|
|
Jim buys shoes with air pumps and spends all day pumping them nonstop. Dwight tells Jim that Jim should be working instead of pumping up his sneakers, and that sneakers aren't really proper office attire. In response Jim grabs Dwight's computer mouse, slams his feet down and leaps up through the ceiling, disappearing into the sky. Dwight has to go get another mouse from the spare electronics box in the closet, only to discover that Jim replaced all the computer mice with live mice ages ago and that the live mice have long since died. Up in space, Jim mugs for the Jim Webb telescope.
|
|
#
?
Jul 12, 2022 14:32
|
|
|
Dwight arrives at work to discover Jim has replaced their mutual desk island with a dirty, flattened cardboard box. Jim is thrashing around on the cardboard while hiphop music blasts from a gigantic boombox. "Oh hey Dwight!" yells Jim. "I was just getting in a little early morning breakdancing! They say breakdancing is the best exercise." Jim continues to convulse and wiggle arhythmically while everyone in the office suffers mild hearing damage. Jim mugs for the camera as he hops on one foot.
|
|
#
?
Jul 12, 2022 15:04
|
|
|
Jim takes sides in the Johnny Depp v. Amber Heard trial on the side of domestic abuse. Jim says "I don't know who was the bigger abuser in the relationship, but I hope whoever it is wins." Pam frowns at Jim from the reception desk. Jim mugs at the camera and waves a tiny pennant with the word "abuse" on it. When Dwight points out that the Depp v. Heard trial ended weeks ago, Jim yanks a pullcord dangling from the ceiling and a huge kettle full of honey drops onto Dwight's head. "Trap sprung!" shrieks Jim. "You fell for my hunnypot!" Dwight rolls on the ground desperately trying to clear his respiratory passages of the cloying honey.
|
|
#
?
Jul 12, 2022 15:18
|
|
|
Dwight secretly arranges a job interview, telling everyone else that he has to go see a doctor for "an embarrassing medical issue". Jim's eyes light up. "Oh? It's your butt, isn't it? Dear God, please tell me you have hemorrhoids! Or impacted feces? Just something involving the butt, that'll tie in really well with my next prank!" Realizing this is the perfect cover, Dwight says that Jim is correct, it's hemorrhoids, then heads off to his interview. When he returns to work the next day, Jim has a sad look on his face. "You lied, Dwight. You lied to me and, more importantly, you lied to Dunder Mifflin. This job, which has given us so much, and asked so little in return. And yet you SPIT IN THE FACE of everyone on the executive board. I called every proctologist in Scranton yesterday. Every butt-related doctor in a 400 mile radius, all in an effort to find out more details about your anus. And you know what they told me? They have no record of you being a patient. I pretended to be a dying father, hell, half the time I pretended to be YOU! And I got nothing! Which begs the question - where were you yesterday, Dwight? Because it sure as HELL wasn't getting your rear end checked out." Dwight explains that he was, in fact, at a job interview. Jim lets out a gasp of horror, then picks up his phone and calls the corporate office. He goes on to explain everything, which causes Dwight to be fired. "I'm sorry Dwight, but you lied. And I'll be GODDAMNED if I sit next to a liar. You could have just taken a personal day, but nooooo! You said it was a doctor's appointment and used up a sick day. Those are for when you're sick! God knows I've never abused the system, even though I've had AMPLE reason to! But no, I'm a member of a loving society, Dwight, I play by the rules! You make me loving SICK!" Jim spits on Dwight as Dwight is led out of the building, a meager box of his possessions acting as his only reminder of his decades at Dunder Mifflin. As soon as Dwight's gone, Jim stands up. "I've heard of getting your rear end fired, but getting fired because of your rear end?" Jim mugs for the camera until Kevin comes up to him and asks what Jim's going to do now that Dwight's been fired. "Oh, I'll think of something," Jim says with a sly grin, "don't you worry about me!" The next day, Jim is found dead of carbon monoxide poisoning in the Halpert garage. He had duct taped a long tube into his mouth and to the exhaust of his car. Luckily, Pam and the children were at her mother's house.
|
|
#
?
Jul 12, 2022 15:46
|
|
|
A Fancy Hat posted:Dwight secretly arranges a job interview, telling everyone else that he has to go see a doctor for "an embarrassing medical issue". Jim's eyes light up.
|
|
#
?
Jul 12, 2022 16:02
|
|
|
Jim calls Dwight and tells him (Dwight) that he (Jim) has "the runs" and won't be at work that day. Dwight informs Jim that it's 4am and that Jim should email Toby since Toby is the HR rep. "Oh right. Thanks buddy!" replies Jim. "So what are you up to? You wanna hang out?" Dwight hangs up the phone. It immediately starts ringing. Dwight unplugs the phone line and goes back to sleep. Dwight is awakened by the sound of breaking glass downstairs. He goes down to investigate and sees Jim, pants overflowing with diarrhea, tracking poo poo all over the floor next to a broken window. "Hey, buddy!" says Jim. "I think we got disconnected! Wanna watch TV?" Jim mugs at the camera as Dwight drops to his knees and screams. Also the whole documentary crew is there.
|
|
#
?
Jul 12, 2022 16:10
|
|
|
Jim blows all his sick days staying home planning pranks (“I’m sick of not having any good prank ideas!” he chortles to himself, sitting on the living room floor in his underwear in the middle of the day), and doesn’t have any more when he gets Covid a twelfth time. He cajoles Pam into starting a GoFundMe and also asking everyone in the office to “donate” a sick day so that Jim can recover without having his pay docked. Dwight, although internally conflicted, reluctantly donates his four remaining sick days to Jim (who promptly heads straight to JimseyLand to ride the Scranton Screamer all week). Jim returns to the office before he is fully recovered and infects Dwight, who now is forced to stay home for five unpaid work days, because he is out of sick days. Jim mugs the camera, half of his face paralyzed and his nose running.
|
|
#
?
Jul 12, 2022 16:15
|
|
|
Jim takes out a full-page ad in the newspaper that just says "THE GUY READING THIS IS AN rear end in a top hat". As Dwight is the only subscriber to the Scranton Times in 2022, this insult is directed squarely at him. Jim mugs at the camera as he stares at the printing press, fighting the urge to yell out "STOP THE PRESSES!"
|
|
#
?
Jul 12, 2022 16:46
|
|
|
Jim gets really into the Stop the Steal movement. When Dwight asks how this is a prank, Jim replies “not everything is about you balloon boy, I just am a patriot” and returns to mailing his feces to election watchers in Arizona. Dwight feels very sad.
|
|
#
?
Jul 12, 2022 17:43
|
|
|
jim forcibly transforms dwight into a human bicycle and rides him around, trilling the bell obnoxiously
|
|
#
?
Jul 12, 2022 17:49
|
|
|
Jim knows Dwight's secret ambition is to one day make contact with extraterrestrial life. That's why Jim wiped out life everywhere else in the universe besides Earth and also salted the soil of goldilocks planets so nothing could ever grow there. Jim sees Dwight's computer running SETI@home and mugs the camera.
|
|
#
?
Jul 12, 2022 17:51
|
|
|
Jim declares he's "going all out" because he "loves Minions." Jim goes full Minions. He only wears, uses, eats, and hires licensed Minions goods and services. Anything that can't be got in Minions form Jim either eschews or plasters all over with Minions crap. Jim mugs the camera from behind a mountain of Minions plushies and toys. Dwight complains that Jim's minions cologne is giving him a headache but Jim just responds in Minionese until Dwight gives up.
|
|
#
?
Jul 12, 2022 17:59
|
|
|
Jim’s childlike behavior and almost unintelligible language turn heartwarming when Jim comes to work nude except for blue coveralls and inexplicably decides that Michael should be his “leader.” He follows Michael’s bidding, often laughing and smirking. Images of Jim making silly faces become an internet sensation. Dwight opens an email one day and finds yet another Jimion meme: Jim’s face looking especially smug with a caption reading “They say guns kill people, and yet they don’t want to ban abortion?” Dwight looks up to see Jim’s actual face, making an identical expression right at him. Jim repeats, word for word, “They say guns kill people, and yet they don’t want to ban abortion?” Dwight immediately tells Toby that he needs to go home (losing a day’s pay because he is out of Sick Days).
|
|
#
?
Jul 12, 2022 18:10
|
|
|
Jim buys an English to Minionese dictionary so that he can speak Minionese full time.
|
|
#
?
Jul 12, 2022 18:11
|
|
|
Jim's facebook wall is covered in Minion memes, including several badly-compressed images that seem to imply the Minions are a part of the Q Anon conspiracy. When Dwight posts "HAPPY BIRTHDAY JIM  " on Jim's facebook wall, it instantly triggers an alert deep within the FBI. Since Jim is on several watchlists, Dwight has just become a person of interest in those same investigations.Jim, fully aware of this, mugs for the camera.
|
|
#
?
Jul 12, 2022 18:18
|
|
|
Jim hacks into Dunder Mifflin's employee directory and changes it so he has 365 Sick Days a year. He'll never use them (it would be too weird to be away from Dwight that long) but it is admittedly "pretty funny". Jim then furthers alters the directory to show Dwight having -365 sick days. At work the next day, Dwight is informed that he must now work 16 hours a day to "make up for the deficit in sick days". Jim can't contain his laughter and rolls around on the floor, laughing uproariously and eventually pissing his pants in glee. "Oh wait," adds Toby, "I did the math wrong. Since we only work 260 days a year, the -365 sick days actually means you need to work an additional 11.2 hours a day. So you'll need to be here 19.2 hours a day for a year to make up the deficit." This is too much even for Jim, who suddenly explodes in a wave of pure ecstasy. And he literally does explode, spraying the entire office with his pulpy remains. Jim's face plops on the wall and slowly slides down. It is unmistakably mugging for the camera.
|
|
#
?
Jul 12, 2022 18:24
|
|
|
Jim calls an emergency meeting in the conference room (“NO minutes! Let’s go, people!”). Once everyone assembles, he forcefully slaps the crossword out of Stanley’s hands. “No distractions!” Jim pulls down the projector screen and displays a live ranking system of “Best Movies Ever”. The chart is updating in real-time, and complex data driven equations shift movies up and down in a huge chart. The rankings are apparently based on a real-time input of IMDB ratings, Rotten Tomatoes scoring, viral and social clout, and (making up a majority of the weight of each movie’s apparent score) is the “Certified Jim Rating.” Obviously, Mars Needs Mom is in place number one. But Minions 2: The Rise of Gru is hovering precariously close to kicking Mars Needs Moms from the top spot. “We need to figure this out,” says Jim gravely. “Which movie is better?” “What about that Rescue Rovers movie you’re always talking about?” asks Andy, genuinely trying to be helpful. Jim stares at him in cold silent rage for a full minute. “Get out.” he says, just above a whisper. “Now.” Andy runs.
|
|
#
?
Jul 12, 2022 18:24
|
|
|
"Hey Dwight, have you seen a trailer for that new movie? The one that looks really good." Dwight says he hasn't, being far too busy trying to finish a pile of work that has accumulated. "Okay. But anyway it's called Paws of Fury: The Legend of Hank. First of all, that title? Both forgettable and weirdly specific. I love it! Second of all, this thing was announced in 2014! Eight years ago, Dwight! So you know it's good, right? All that time in production. But check out the voice cast! Ricky FUCKIN' Gervais! You know, the atheist guy who's really funny! And Samuel L Jackson, he's never been in a bad movie! And Michael Cera as the lead? Holy poo poo, what a revelation! So yeah, this movie looks PRETTY GOOD, buddy. I'm sure I'll have a lot more to say next week, after I see this movie this weekend. I can only hope you'll go see it, too." Dwight says that he plans to go see Marcel, the Shell with Shoes On. "You know Brian Williams is in that, right, Dwight? STOLEN VALOR! STOLEN VALOR!" Jim begins screeching "stolen valor" for the rest of the week, eventually leading a group of Proud Boys in a picket around the movie theater when Dwight plans to see the film. Dwight is assaulted by a dozen doughy white manchildren while Jim giggles at the animated antics of Paws of Fury.
|
|
#
?
Jul 12, 2022 18:35
|
|
|
Jim travels back in time and brutally murders Joe Martinson, the founder of Martinson Coffee and the namesake of the term "Cup of Joe". Jim then seizes control of the company and becomes the most well-known coffee entrepreneur in the United States. Jim then travels back into the present, where Dwight asks if someone could get him a "Cup of Jim". Jim mugs for the camera, then prepares to sit in the giant coffee cup he's constructed exactly for this moment.
|
|
#
?
Jul 12, 2022 19:09
|
|
|
Jim travels back in time and brutally murders Secretary of the Navy Josephus Daniels, the teetotaling racist who implemented General Order 99, banning alcohol on U.S. Naval vessels and originating the term "Cup of Joe." (Because coffee was the strongest drink allowed on ships.) Jim does the "Cup of Jim" gag but Dwight isn't as perturbed by it because a huge swath of America's historical racial strife never came to pass and the world is better for it.
|
|
#
?
Jul 12, 2022 19:27
|
|
|
Jim travels back in time and brutally murders anyone who uses the terms "java" or "mocha". The so-called "Jamoke Killer" strikes fear into all of the United States and prevents the terms java and mocha from gaining popularity, for fear of the user being killed. As such, a cup of coffee is never again referred to as a "Cup of Jamoke", which is then shorted to a "Cup of Joe". Instead, people Jim heads back to the future only to find Dunder Mifflin no longer exists. In fact, Jim's body count numbered in the high tens of thousands, an insane number but one necessary to utterly destroy two popular nicknames for an incredibly popular beverage at the time. Jim looks around at the empty parking lot that used to be his office. "Huh. Guess I'll go prank Dwight at his house, then." Jim drags his giant coffee cup behind him but is further shocked to discover Schrute Farms is no longer there. Unbeknownst to Jim, the "Jamoke Killer" was never caught, but police were eager to find a scapegoat for the crimes. They, of course, pinned it on immigrants. Dwight's family chose to flee the United States rather than remain in an even more openly hostile environment. As such, Dwight was born in Germany and lives his life happily unaware of Jim. "Well, I guess Dwight doesn't live here anymore." Jim knocks on the door, then sits in the cup. A man opens the door, looking confused. "Did you ask for a cup of Jim?!?" Jim squeals at him. The man screams and slams the door shut. Jim then silently drags the coffee cup away, heading back to the time machine to undo this.
|
|
#
?
Jul 12, 2022 19:41
|
|
|
Jim travels back in time and sneaks into the West Scranton High School Career Fair. A young Dwight Shrute, the valedictorian and captain of the football team, is pondering his future. “Hey, sonny. A bright young lad like you ought to go into sales! You could have the freedom and financial stability to make all your dreams come true!” Dwight thanks the floppy-haired man and walks toward the Dunder Mifflin booth.
|
|
#
?
Jul 12, 2022 19:42
|
|
|
dwight reaches for his stapler, but it's encased in jello. while dwight considers this, jim steps up to dwight's desk and deftly removes dwight's nose with a pair of scissors
|
|
#
?
Jul 12, 2022 21:27
|
|
|
Jim travels back in time and sneaks into the West Scranton High School Career Fair. There, he smashes a young Dwight’s knee with a hammer, ruining his bright future and athletic scholarship to several colleges as a star quarterback. In the present, Dwight takes another day off of work to have yet another corrective surgery on his knee (unpaid, because Dwight is out of sick days for the year).
|
|
#
?
Jul 12, 2022 22:01
|
|
|
Jim travels back in time and chops off Dwight’s penis
|
|
#
?
Jul 12, 2022 22:56
|
|
|
Upgrade posted:Jim travels back in time and chops off Dwight’s penis
|
|
#
?
Jul 12, 2022 23:27
|
|
|
Lobot and the robot were friends Qui-Gon and Obi-wan were friends Han-do and Lando were friends It’s like poetry, it rhymes
|
|
#
?
Jul 13, 2022 00:52
|
|
|
Jim travels back in time to when Dwight was a child to show him, Dwight, his, Jim's, dong. Jim believes that doing this when he, Dwight, is very young will psychologically imprint him, Dwight, with a subconscious fear of Jim. When Jim appears in the Schrute nursery, Dwight turns to him and whips it out of his diaper. Even as a two-year-old, Dwight completely dwarfs Jim. Jim goes back to the future where he reassures himself that he totally pranked Dwight by getting him to take out his dick.
|
|
#
?
Jul 13, 2022 01:21
|
|
|
poisonpill posted:Lobot and the robot were friends Darth Jim travels back in time and space and brutally murders Senator Sheev Palpatine, the Sith lord and racist who implemented General Order 66, the order that sentenced all Jedi in the universe to death in absentia. With no one to form the Galactic Empire, the Star Wars francise has no Original Trilogy. Instead, the Phantom Menace is spun off into dozens of movies about the antics of Jar Jar and his wacky Gungan friends! Dwight has an aneurysm from sheer nerd rage. *You did not see Darth Jim mug the camera*
|
|
#
?
Jul 13, 2022 02:11
|
|
|
Jim is giggling at the bottom of a giant coffee cup when he hears Charles Miner's voice. "That better not be Jim in there!"
|
|
#
?
Jul 13, 2022 02:23
|
|
|
Jim-Jim votes to give Pampatine unlimited war powers, unknowingly destroying the Galactic Republic. Dwight says, “So this is how democracy dies: to thunderous smirking.”
|
|
#
?
Jul 13, 2022 03:04
|
|
|
Jim is killed by Charles Miner. Later, Dwight can hear and see him as a glowing Prank Ghost, telling him to go train under master Yogurt on the planet Prankoba. Dwight’s X-wing sinks into a swampy yogurt lake and eventually Dwight gets his hand cut off by Michael, his surrogate father. (None of this is a reference to anything because Jim deleted Star Wars from existence in this universe) Dwight has his hand replaced by a robotic replacement, but has to take several unpaid leave days to do so (he ran out of sick days this year already when Jim swapped the bacta in his tank out for blue jello as a prank)
|
|
#
?
Jul 13, 2022 05:33
|
|
|
Jim goes back in time and makes sure Star Trek gets renewed for another season, writing every script himself under a fake name. The horrible quality of the show's new last season prevents the series from ever finding a second life with syndication or a fanbase over the years. Sci fi as a genre never strives to mature as the audience of the show is inspired to create more and better, and the effects are felt worldwide. The rural purge occurs 5 years later as a side-effect. By a similar note, hentai anime and most SF/F anime never come into existence in the 80s and 90s. Star Wars is never greenlit, and there's no BSG: Original or reboot. Jim will learn to live with only the memory of his precious anime, but Dwight will never know the personal joy of Battlestar Galactica.
|
|
#
?
Jul 13, 2022 05:56
|
|
|
Dwight and Angela head out for a hibachi dinner, excited for the food and the associated show. Everything is going well until the chef stacks up the sliced onion into a miniature volcano. "Okay, get ready for the volcano!" "Wait, Dwight, doesn't that sound like -" Angela is cut off as the tiny onion volcano erupts, launching actual lava directly at the table. Dwight leaps into action, jumping in front of a small child. The lava hits Dwight directly in the face and he lets out a horrific scream as his flesh is burnt. He falls to the ground, smoking, as the volcano finally stops. The hibachi chef mugs, then takes off his hat. Floppy hair spills out. "Who wants some sake?" Jim mugs for the camera.
|
|
#
?
Jul 13, 2022 13:52
|
|
|
Jimbo Fett encases Schrute Skywalker's lightstapler in carbonite. He, Jimbo Fett, takes off his, Jimbo Fett's, Pamdalorian helmet and mugs the camera. Charles Vespane Miner then asks Jimbo Fett how many more parsecs he, Charles Vespane Miner, is going to have to wait for that rundown.
|
|
#
?
Jul 13, 2022 14:15
|
|
|
Jim transforms himself into a giant bug and skitters across the ceiling. Charles Miner walks in carrying a giant fly swatter, “The Rundown” crudely written on the handle.
|
|
#
?
Jul 13, 2022 15:14
|
|
|
Jim reveals that Dwight has a long lost twin sister who turns out to be, improbably, Angela
|
|
#
?
Jul 13, 2022 15:24
|
|
|
Jim wages a one-man war against the movie Lightyear and helps propel Minions 2: the Rise of Gru to beat it in the box office by a wide margin.
|
|
#
?
Jul 13, 2022 15:39
|
|
|
|
| # ? May 30, 2024 09:23 |
|
|
Jim reveals to the rest of the office that Minions make him sexually excitable and in this time of elevated Minion content they need to be aware and understanding of his condition. During Jim’s explanation, Dwight is in the background desperately trying to hold on to one of Jims accounts after a disastrous sales meeting.
|
|
#
?
Jul 13, 2022 15:44
|
|