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It's Dwight's grandmother's birthday. It's a family tradition for Dwight to prepare a beet pie made only from the best, most succulent beets from Dwight's farm. Dwight discovers that Jim's latest prank was to demolish Dwight's car by testing out his homemade explosives. There is no public transportation to Dwight's grandma's town that can get him there in time for the celebration (the state spent their budget constructing Waluigi's Loopy Tunnel of Love, a now collapsed hyperloop tunnel). Resigning to the idea that he will have to miss his grandma's birthday this year, Dwight pictures her heartbroken face and decides that if he can't be there, maybe at least she'll get to eat some of her cherished beet pie. He boxes up his best beets and sends them to his cousin, who knows the recipe. Dwight pays for priority mail express for the beets to have the best chance of lasting the journey. Unfortunately, the postal service is incapacitated dealing with a sudden inundation of millions of undeliverable parcels. They are all death threats sent by Jim addressed to "That Guy", "That Old Guy", and "Crud?". Dwight's beets perish in the post office.
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Aug 25, 2022 18:35
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| # ? Jun 4, 2024 18:01 |
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Jim decides to "sell out" and receive corporate sponsorship for his pranks. "This prank is brought to you by Pepsi Co!" he yells as he kicks Dwight in the nuts.
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Aug 25, 2022 18:51
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“Time to kick the can down the road!” says Jim, making sure to keep himself steadily profiled against the camera so as to display his can of soda as he kicks Dwight in the nuts.
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Aug 25, 2022 18:53
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Jim challenges Andy, Michael and Dwight to lose their virginity during the summer before they head of to college. When Dwight points out this makes no sense - none of them are going to college in the Fall, and clearly Jim isn’t a virgin considering he’s fathered two children - Jim, wearing a trench coat and carrying a boom box, kicks him (Dwight) in the balls while shouting “revenge of the nerds!” Michael and Andy join Jim in laughing as Dwight rolls around on the floor in agony.
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Aug 25, 2022 19:09
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Jim announces his next prank will be "sick and twisted." The office is alarmed to the sound of Jim's bones and joints cracking as his spine violently contorts into a helix. His arms and legs shake and crunch into similar spirals, all the way down to the bones in his fingers and toes. His jaw dislocates as his grotesquely warped face attempts to mug the camera. He then begins sneezing all over the place.
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Aug 25, 2022 19:13
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Dwight heads to the annual Scranton Comic Con, excited about the opportunity to finally meet one of his idols - Elijah Wood. Although obviously a huge fan of the Lord of the Rings, Dwight decides he should get Mr. Wood to sign something else and brings his copy of Over the Garden Wall. As Dwight is walking through the Scranton woods on the way to the convention center, he hears something large moving around in the trees surrounding him. Dwight picks up the pace, terrified that some wild animal might be loose. He accidentally trips over a thick tree root and topples to the ground. The movement seems to grow closer and closer, and now Dwight hears a strange melody being sung. "Come, wayward souls, who wander through the darkness There is a light for the lost and the meek Sorrow and fear are easily forgotten When you submit to the soil of the earth" Dwight begins to panic now and quickly collects his DVD before rushing towards the exit of the forest. He takes a single look backwards before he exits. Something large and covered with shadows looks back at Dwight with glowing white eyes. Twin antlers reach up from the creature's head. Dwight isn't sure, but he think the thing mugs at him. Out of breath and terrified, Dwight finally makes it to Scranton Comic Con, only to find the event has been shut down. "Yeah, somebody called in a bomb threat, said he was a disgruntled beet farmer or something." Dwight sighs, realizing that he may never get to meet Elijah Wood. Suddenly, there comes a clopping of hooves on the pavement. Dwight looks over and sees Jim, dressed in a black body suit with antlers, ballet heels, and with two glowing white lights over his eyes. "Jeez, I've heard of bombing at open mic night, but bombing a comic con?" Jim trips over his ballet heels and falls to the ground, but still finds time to mug before he hits the ground.
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Aug 25, 2022 19:30
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Applewhite posted:There's liquor involved but it's ambiguous whether it's symbolic of Meredith or Pam. They party hard at Meredith's mansion
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Aug 25, 2022 22:05
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Jim peirces his uvula in order to make Dwight envious. He puts in a diamond stud, takes one breath, and chokes to death.
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Aug 25, 2022 22:10
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Jim fully decorates the office for Christmas even though it's not even Halloween yet.
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Aug 26, 2022 00:11
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Jim peirces his glans in order to make Dwight envious. He puts in a diamond stud, takes one breath, and chokes to death.
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Aug 26, 2022 01:07
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Jim pierces his perineum to make Dwight jealous. Dwight screams in agony as the needle goes through his, Dwight's, perineum. Jim puts in a diamond stud, takes one breath, and chokes to death.
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Aug 26, 2022 08:31
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Jim decides to “sell out” and make his bones by starting the worst companies he can dream up. He turns his awful powers of pranking to entrepreneurship. The bright idea Jim has this time is to create a company where athletes endorse athletic merchandise, such as sneakers or red tennis shoes. Jim is convinced that this idea is one-in-a-million, and that nobody has ever thought of it before. Because he is "leading the pack" with his innovative athletics marketing idea, he decides to call the company "Ath-Lead". While Jim is down in Philadelphia "making connections and getting the word out about my company" (walking around Central Green while wearing a nametag that says "Hello, my name is ATH- LEAP"), Pam is tasked with recording Cece's dance recital. Because this is a thirty second clip of a five year old trying to dance, the "steaks" are very low, and Pam does not manage to correctly capture the footage. Jim becomes absolutely unhinged with rage. Back in his hotel room, he flips the table, smashes the TV with a chair, and throws a lamp out the window. He's screaming at Pam over the phone, making her cry. Eventually, he stops. Pam, by this time silent and absolutely drained of all emotion, waits for the next abuse. But instead, Jim speaks to her in a perfectly level voice. "I knew you'd fail, Pam." says Jim. "I knew you'd fail this, like you fail at everything. Your engagement with Roy. Your art school. Your attempt to be a paper salesman. You failed at all of them, and do you want to know why? There was one constant in each of those, one little pebble in your shoe as your tried to run. It was me, Pam. I was the reason you broke up with Roy. I was the reason you quit art. I was the person who told you that paper sales were too hard. It was me, Pam. It was me. I'll be home from my very important business trip in two days. I'll expect dinner on the table when I arrive." The phone clicks off. Pam stays huddled up against the hallway wall for a long time, silent, under the sinister gaze of the clown poster.
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Aug 26, 2022 13:31
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"Well, once again I've been SCREWED over by the government!" Jim angrily slams his laptop shut and puts his head down on his desk for a moment. Dwight asks Jim what's going on today. "Uh... a little thing called 'loving me over'? They just forgave all these student loans, now my taxes are all hosed up, I'm screwed just because I worked hard for everything I have. How is this fair, Dwight? HOW IS THIS FAIR?" Jim starts pounding his fists on his desk, tears running down his deeply-red face. Dwight asks Jim why exactly he thinks this is unfair. "Because," Jim says between sniffles, "I worked hard! I paid off MY student loans and now I'm stuck footing the bill for all these entitled losers!" Dwight is silent and does a quick google search while Jim breaks down crying. He looks up how many PPP loans Jim has had forgiven. FAMOUS ORIGINAL JIM'S PIZZA - $469,000 BIG JIM'S PRANKATORIUM - $3,500,000 EL SICKO TACO TRUCK - $2,600 THE FANTABULOUS PRANKTARIUM OF PROFESSOR JIM HALPERT - $12,980 FAMOUS JIM'S ORIGINAL PIZZA - $38,000 Dwight considers bringing this point up to Jim, who is now curled up on the floor in a ball, rocking back and forth. He reconsiders this, realizing it's utterly futile. Dwight steps out for lunch, a rare event for him. As soon as he leaves, Jim stands up and mugs for the camera. "Oh yeah, I know it's hypocritical. That's the point. That's the prank! Now Dwight's gonna spend all day lamenting the fact that people like me exist! Pretty freakin' funny!"
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Aug 26, 2022 13:56
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I just want to make sure my tally is right. Jim currently works at/owns/runs: Famous Original Jim's Pizza (owner/proprietor) Famous Jim's Original Pizza (defunct) El Sicko's Taco Truck Dunder-Mifflin (Jr. Paper Salesman/Lead Programer) Scranton City Public Services (Asst. Dog Catcher) The fantabulous Prankatorium of Professor Halpert (Jim's Basement) Althleap (owner/proprietor) Althlead (defunct, based on misspelled paperwork Jim filed) Jimland's Minions-land - an Officially Licensed from Universal's Minions: The Rise of Gru (tm) Theme Park! (Owner/partially defunct/an illegal unofficial use of Universal's "Minions" characters to convert the once-loved home of the Scranton Screamer) Black Rifle Prank Company (defunct, a short-lived social media-based marketing/dating app/mail-order coffee company)
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Aug 26, 2022 14:14
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think he's got some more elon musk roles in a non-dunder-mifflin capacity
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Aug 26, 2022 14:16
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Jim announces that he's had it up to here with the system and that from now on he's going to "stick it to the man". The man in this case is Dwight, and "it" turns out to be an extremely angry honey badger. Jim mugs the camera. jazzyhattrick fucked around with this message at 15:04 on Aug 26, 2022 |
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Aug 26, 2022 14:36
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Inexplicable Humblebrag posted:think he's got some more elon musk roles in a non-dunder-mifflin capacity Good point. He's more than just the Chief Programer of D-M. Space-X: Chief Waluigi Thought Leader Space-X: Understudy (Wario) Neuralink: Monkey Tamer and Head Surgeon Telsa: Tiny Jim Production Factory (Head of AI for Autopilot) Boring Company: Flamethrower/Underground Drug Smuggling Tunnel Innovation Officer
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Aug 26, 2022 14:40
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Dwight is about to finish decorating an anniversary cake for Angela when there's a crash of broken glass. His kitchen window explodes inward as something very large flies into Dwight's house. The thing moves at incredible speeds and Dwight can't get a good look at it, but it eventually slows down after smashing the anniversary cake. Standing before Dwight is a man in jodhpurs, leather boots, and a red jacket. A silver device is strapped to his back and a golden helmet adorns his head, hiding his face. "I'm the Pranketeer! And you've just been pranked!" The figure's silver backpack begins to hum and launches flame, rocketing the figure into the air and through Dwight's ceiling. Dwight looks up as the figure disappears into the morning sky. Unfortunately, the adventures of the Pranketeer fail to find much traction with the general public and he is never seen again. Dwight, who found the entire thing to be fairly whimsical and fun compared to other pranks, is disappointed. Jim considers this a "double header" as he got to ruin the anniversary cake AND deprive Dwight of a fun, throwback series of pranks. "We had a whole toyline planned and everything! Dwight would have loved those. I'll have to make sure he's fully aware of how much Pranketeer stuff would have come out." Jim mugs for the camera, then chews a piece of Beeman's gum very loudly and obnoxiously.
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Aug 26, 2022 14:40
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Dwight's Teslexa is acting up (Teslexa is a smart speaker manufactured by Tesla given out free to every Dunder Mifflin employee so Musk can spy on them). Every time Dwight gives his Teslexa a command, it mishears him, seemingly on purpose. "Teslexa, dim the lights," orders Dwight. "Now ordering 1000 servings of dim sum." "Teslexa, cancel!" The device drives Dwight to distraction. Things finally come to a head that afternoon. "Teslexa, call Angela." "Calling Angela... a stupid fat cow!" Dwight leaps on the speaker to try and prevent it from insulting Angela. The Teslexa falls off the table and Dwight realizes the device is just a cardboard toilet paper tube with macaroni glued to it and spraypainted black. There's a tiny Jim inside! There's also a lot of Tiny Jim poop. The Tiny Jim flips Dwight off and scurries out beneath the crack under the front door. Jim mugs for the Tiny Jim inside Dwight's smart doorbell camera as he leaves.
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Aug 26, 2022 15:03
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Jim sings "99 bottles of beer on the wall," the volume of his voice increasing with every verse. By the time he reaches the end, his voice is as loud as the subwoofers at a rock concert, his vocal cords tattered and bleeding. He collapses on the floor right before the Guinness world records people arrive with an award for successfully singing about all 99 bottles of beer.
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Aug 26, 2022 15:54
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poisonpill posted:I just want to make sure my tally is right. Remember that you live in the extended Jim multiverse. The pranks outlined in this thread aren't all about a single Jim. There are infinite Jim's pranking infinite Dwight's across the dimensions.
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Aug 26, 2022 16:01
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Fell Mood posted:Remember that you live in the extended Jim multiverse. The pranks outlined in this thread aren't all about a single Jim. There are infinite Jim's pranking infinite Dwight's across the dimensions. No, this is just of list of all jobs held by Jim Prime. Jim Beta, for instance, hates pizza and spaghetti. His Tiny Jim’s are stillbirths from malnutrition. Jim Beta is currently in prison for performing an illegal early termination of pregnancy (he was arrested by the chief county dog catcher/bounty hunter Charles Major)
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Aug 26, 2022 16:05
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poisonpill posted:No, this is just of list of all jobs held by Jim Prime. Jim Prime partners with his best friends Elon Musk, Donald Trumps Jr., and Joe Rogan to help track down rogue abortionists
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Aug 26, 2022 16:35
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Jim (dressed as Wario), Elon (Waluigi, natch), Joe Rohan (Bowser), and Don Jr. (dressed in a perfect Toadette costume) all race their go-carts through the streets of Scranton, chasing women. Jim smirks as he drops a banana peel, directly in front of Don’s car, causing him to spin into a pile of dead Tiny Jims.
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Aug 26, 2022 17:03
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Just as Jim finally corners a 16 year old woman (a dangerous abortionist) and prepares to grab her in his giant net, Little Champion drops from the sky and attacks him (Jim). As Jim helplessly flails and cries for help (Elon Musk tries to reach him but his go karts auto pilot malfunctions and runs directly into a trash can), Dwight sneaks in and pulls the young woman to safety. Two days later she’s reached the New York border thanks to Dwight’s Underground Railroad. Jim, frustrated that another woman has escaped his grasp, convinces Dr. Oz to cut a campaign commercial about Pennsylvania’s dangerous Dwight-napper who must be stopped.
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Aug 26, 2022 17:23
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Jim paints his mugging face on the hood of his new car, then starts driving it around town and performing dangerous stunts. The annual fruit cart festival is terrorized by Jim smashing through every cart in sight, and the mayor is concerned that the Glass Pane Carriers of America conference next week is in danger. That's not even mentioning the Empty Box Stacking Competition in a few weeks. As such, he hires the man who best knows Jim to stop him. "Dwight, we've outfitted your 1987 Pontiac Trans Am with a host of weapons and gadgets, all of which can be activated from the steering wheel. Button A activates 4 jacks, which allow for quick repairs but can also be used to jump the car short distances. Button B sprouts special all-terrain tread for the tires. Button C produces powerful rotary saws to clear any dangers. Button D seals the cockpit in a bulletproof and crash-proof exterior. Button E activates special lights that will allow you to see in any kind of adverse weather. Button F allows you to drive underwater! Button G activates a small homing robot from the vehicle, and Button H allows you to recall that robot!" Dwight examines his souped-up car and smiles. He should easily be able to capture Jim and free the streets of Scranton for his reign of terror. As Dwight hops in the front seat all of the tires deflate, the bumpers fall off, and various springs and pieces of metal fall out of the vehicle. Jim, dressed in red overalls, a pink shirt, and a striped crap, bursts out of the trunk. Chips, dressed in a matching outfit, is right behind him. "Oh no, Chips! Looks like we just broke Dwight's car! He's gonna be really mad at us, I just know he is even though I hope he isn't mad but he's going to be so mad, wouldn't you agree?!" Jim's lips don't match what he's saying and Dwight gets the curious notion that he's being overdubbed somehow. Chips and Jim run away, leaving Dwight's super car completely destroyed.
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Aug 26, 2022 17:34
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Jim begins demanding that everyone cut open their hand and bleed to prove that they are not changelings. When Dwight does this and his blood is "beet red," Jim has him escorted to prison by the Jem'Hadaar.
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Aug 27, 2022 03:53
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Jim reveals that his "love language" is selling Pam's organs to supplement his pranking budget. When Pam's mother dies, Jim has her sent to a professional organ harvester so that he can "maximize the potential earnings of this very fortunate windfall." Meanwhile, since Jim is so distracted, Dwight sets a new company record for sales that week.
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Aug 28, 2022 23:14
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Jim drags himself into work just past 11:00 on Monday. Dwight snorts at Jim's (typical) tardiness. What he doesn't realize is that Jim just finished the swing shift as Assistant Dog Catcher. Due to massive budget cutbacks (mainly caused by large payouts the city has been forced to pay), Jim has been deputizes as a public safety officer and forced to patrol from midnight until 8:00 a.m. six days per week. This gives Jim just enough time to run by Famous Original Jim's Pizza (the worst pizza place in Pennsylvania, possibly the entire East Coast) and make sure the refrigerators are running at full strength for his famous "colder than cold" pizzas, as they've recently been leaking coolant. Jim barely manages to sit at his desk before Michael starts yelling at him, "Hey, Jimbo! It's Taco Day! Or did you forget?" Stanley pipes in, "I KNOW you didn't forget about the tacos, Halpert!" Jim sighs and heads out to the parking lot. He took a contract two weeks ago to provide tacos to the entire building for lunch from El Sicko's Taco Truck, and he barely has time to prep the food before noon. Jim heads down to the truck and begins slicing jalapeños. He's so tired and worn down that he can't even remember why he's taken on some of these responsibilities, and where he in the larger scope of pranks. Did he finish his pizza-related prank on Dwight? What was the taco truck even for? Jim shakes aside such concerns as he slices his fingers in distraction. The blood soaks down the front of his pants, which Jim realizes are blue Minions overalls, instead of the yellow Wario pants he'd meant to grab. Tears run down Jim's cheeks and fall onto his hands, stinging from the jalapeño juice seeping into his cut. Dwight is the first in line and has been watching the entire display. "Uh, Jim?" asks Dwight. "Can... can I help you?" Jim quickly covers a tortilla with jalapeño cream pie filling and flings it at Dwight's face. "Hey Sicko! Hope you enjoy your meal! Extra spicy for you, since you love beets so much!" Jim knows that he's going to be punished in the Prankatorium later for not having a clever pun ready for such an event. "Are beets even spicy?" asks Jim. It suddenly occurs to him that he's never eaten a single beet.
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Aug 29, 2022 06:29
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Jim drives the El Sicko's taco truck into Lake Scranton but when he gets home the truck is parked in his driveway like nothing happened. Jim drops to his knees and screams. Philip and Cece mug the camera creepily from the upstairs window.
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Aug 29, 2022 14:23
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It's the middle of the night and Dwight's cell phone starts buzzing. He grabs it and looks at the name display - JIM HALPERT. Dwight decides this can go to voicemail. The phone stops ringing, only to start up immediately after. Dwight still ignores it. Then the cycle repeats again and Dwight, fearing that Jim's been in some terrible accident, picks it up. "Dwight? Dwight Schrute? It's me, Jim Halpert. You know, from work? What... this is going to sound weird, okay? Really weird. But what year is it?" Dwight is finally able to get a word in with the frantic Jim and tells him what year it is. "Jesus. I thought it was 2009, Dwight. Listen, you're the only number saved on this phone and I... I didn't want to call 911. Dwight, I woke up in a racecar bed in a dark basement. There are reams of paper around me and they're... I think they're breathing. They smell like a circus, Dwight. There are stairs going up but I'm really scared to walk up them, buddy. I'm scared of what I'm going to find up there." Calmly, Dwight tells Jim (although Dwight is starting to believe this isn't Jim) to slowly walk up the stairs, being careful to be as quiet as possible. The voice on the other side of the phone is comforted by Dwight and slowly does so. "Okay Dwight, thanks. Thank you. I'm opening the door. Okay. It's a kitchen, it's just a kitchen. I can see the back door now. Dwight, I'm going to run for the back door and then call 911, I think. Do you think that's a good idea?" Yes, Dwight says, that's a very good idea. "Okay, I'm running. Oh Jesus, what's that? Hello? Hello? Please, I don't want to -" The phone goes dead. Dwight, desperate to figure out what the hell is going on, instantly calls Jim back. It rings 3 times, then someone picks up. The voice is quiet and barely audible, but whoever is on the other end of the line is breathing heavily. Dwight demands to know what's going on. "Wouldn't you love to know that, eh, Balloon Boy?" The phone goes dead again and when Dwight tries calling again, no one answers. Dwight considers calling 911 but already knows it's pointless. At work the next day, Jim shows up at 9:47 am with a large grease stain on his shirt and untied shoelaces dragging behind him. Nothing seems out of the ordinary, and Dwight asks what happened last night. Jim looks honestly dumbfounded, completely unsure of what Dwight is referring to. He theatrically scratches his bird's nest-like hair. "Wouldn't you love to know that, eh Balloon Boy? Huh, weird, just got some deja vu there. Ugh, better call it a day, I'm feeling all oogey now." Jim walks out the door without even mugging for the camera.
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Aug 29, 2022 14:56
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Jim installs a massive pipe organ in the office and starts constantly playing it. Jim however, has no formal music training or sense of rhythm, so all of his "compositions" are painful to listen to. When Dwight tries to stop Jim from playing, Jim smacks him with an elaborate candelabra and then drags him into the catacombs below the office, all while muttering "ahhh, my balloon boy of music, you will sing for me!" Jim then constructs an elaborate porcelain mask so it looks like he's constantly mugging.
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Aug 29, 2022 15:18
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Jim starts describing all of his pranks as "based". "Oh man, I just made Dwight eat a sandwich full of ants. That's so based!" Dwight is annoyed that Jim, a 43 year old man, is now using slang like this. What Dwight doesn't realize, however, is that Jim is actually whispering something extremely quietly after he says 'based'. The next day, Jim fully decorates the office for Christmas even though it's not even Halloween yet. "Oh man, this is so based... on a prank written by Applewhite in the Fun pranks for Jim to play on Dwight thread on the Something Awful forums." Jim, now safe from any legal danger, mugs for the camera.
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Aug 29, 2022 16:18
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Jim reveals that the entire Q Anon conspiracy was his doing from the very first post. "Pretty funny, huh, Dwight? You know, how you can never again talk to your Great-Uncle Arthur? Or how that guy you used to buy sweet corn off of was at the Capitol on January 6th so now you can't in good conscience buy from him ever again? So you have to drive 5 more miles to the next sweet corn stand and it's not as good as that other guy's corn and you know this, but because you consider yourself a good person you can't knowingly support an insurrectionist? But you feel like you, personally, have to make a million sacrifices in the world while the worst people get to keep on living their lives free of any kind of problems at all? Dwight? Are you listening, buddy? Dwight? Are you looking forward to Thanksgiving this year? You'll probably get all the cousins and stuff together and I'll bet at least one of them starts talking about George Soros. Odds are you'll hear some really wild poo poo about Hillary Clinton, too. Isn't it fun knowing your own family members were so easily swayed by that? Or, just maybe, they always believed this kind of stuff and just wanted an excuse to say it out loud. Which is worse, Dwight? Hey Dwight, one more thing. Isn't it REALLY FUNNY that there might be people in this very office who believe in my bullshit, too? You'll never know for sure! Well, see ya later!" Jim skitters away to the break room leaving Dwight alone with his thoughts.
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Aug 29, 2022 16:46
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Jim announces he's "putting all his eggs in one basket" by liquidating his stock portfolio. Jim dumps a smoothie made from all his shredded-up stock certificates onto Dwight's head.
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Aug 29, 2022 23:49
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Jim mails Dwight a cursed skull that comes to life and starts shrieking as soon as Dwight opens the box.
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Aug 30, 2022 00:08
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Jim spends eight hours shucking bottomless clams for the office clambake even though Michael told Jim there wasn't going to be a clambake.
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Aug 30, 2022 00:09
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Jim spends eight hours shucking bottomless corn for the clambake even though Michael told him to get clams.
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Aug 30, 2022 03:49
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FunkyAl posted:Jim spends eight hours shucking bottomless corn for the clambake even though Michael told him to get clams. Jim suggests changing the event to a low country boil.
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Aug 30, 2022 04:32
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| # ? Jun 4, 2024 18:01 |
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Jim invests his life savings and gets into serious debt to create Skynet, but it only targets Dwight and uses Nerf weapons. The drones can also hover outside Dwight's windows at night, moving erratically. Jim is financially ruined, and Pam has left him. It was worth it.
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Aug 30, 2022 05:00
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