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Josherino)
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endlessmonotony posted:Because then I end up making plans hoping I'll get better. I'm actually going to put pants on for this one, so don't mind me monotony. For a while now, you've outright refused to acknowledge any sort of empathy or olive branch that others have extended your way. You've been this gatekeeper of negativity where you somehow believe you're the only one who holds the keys to the miserable bus. You post at other folks' expense and frankly - I feel sorry for you. If you're looking to compete with folks here, you're in the wrong place. Part of me knows/feels like you know that, which kind of makes it even worse to see and know that there's someone out there behind a keyboard that wants to be the reason why someone feels bad about themselves, or what they're enduring. You've never sent me the nasty PMs you've sent others for a reason, and I feel like that's not going to change. In the event I'm wrong, my inbox is always open.
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Aug 29, 2022 04:20
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Josherino posted:I'm actually going to put pants on for this one, so don't mind me monotony. I second all this and am really happy people have you and ULM guiding this thread :].
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Aug 29, 2022 08:11
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I just want my life to reach a point where no one feels the need to give me unsolicited advice. At this point it's all I want. No "You should exercise more". "You should clean your house". "You should hang out with others more". "You should try this". "You should do Y". Just have people treat me like a loving adult. Thats what being an adult is, right? Having people respect your better judgement? I can definitely see WHY people act like this towards me given how I can't get my poo poo together to focus and act like an adult but it would be nice if people realized that treating me like this just makes me spiral even worse. If I want someone's opinion, I ask. Why is that so hard to understand?
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Aug 29, 2022 18:29
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Over the past few years, I've invested a whole lot of myself into creating and maintaining safe spaces for everyone. That includes the kind of person who would PM me essays full of personal attacks based on the lowest and most embarrassing moments I shared with them. Generally, patience, kindness and respect work. That's mostly IRL, and the internet--especially SA--is an entirely different beast. Love you all. tl;dr: 
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Aug 29, 2022 19:06
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AceOfFlames posted:I just want my life to reach a point where no one feels the need to give me unsolicited advice. I think you're allowed to feel frustrated or just plain ol' turned off by suggestions like these. Personally, I try and give the benefit of the doubt when I get (not to hijack here) bombarded with comments like that. It look a long while for me to step out of my bubble to see what people are truly trying to say, you know? For a while I would react pretty hostile towards folks that immediately injected the word, "should". I think folks tend to mean well, but suck at the execution phase if that makes sense.
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Aug 29, 2022 22:22
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Josherino posted:I think you're allowed to feel frustrated or just plain ol' turned off by suggestions like these. Personally, I try and give the benefit of the doubt when I get (not to hijack here) bombarded with comments like that. It look a long while for me to step out of my bubble to see what people are truly trying to say, you know? I should probably mention that MOST of my conversations end up consisting of stuff like this. Maybe it's my fault that I struggle with coming up with something interesting to say (especially when the prompt is "what did you do this week" since my routine is more or less always the same) but when I just get orders over and over and any and all questions about me seem to just bring in more orders it drives me crazy.
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Aug 30, 2022 05:19
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I view it as a sign of affection or love when people want to solve my problems when I'm talking about them, but I also freely tell them that I'm just venting and don't need help or suggestions. Drawing this boundary firmly has helped me avoid a lot of frustration, especially with my mom. e: "Hey I'm just venting, please don't give me any advice here, but X happened and it's been really frustrating. I'll get through it but man it's driving me crazy." Jorge Bell has issued a correction as of 23:29 on Aug 30, 2022 |
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Aug 30, 2022 05:27
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People love to give advice, just like I'm about to! All kidding/not kidding aside, I think peoples intentions can be a mix of good and bad, part wanting to help, maybe having legitimate insight, but part wanting to feel like they have everything figured out/solidifying their world view. I have good friends who are awesome people who do it too, and I've had to choose what I mention to people and when because I'm not interested in receiving their advice. I think placing the boundary between seeking advice and venting is a good strategy and allows people to learn that distinction for future interactions, with you or anyone else.
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Aug 30, 2022 15:51
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Yeah I think some people will just try to help because they actually empathize with you on some level- not to say that their advice is necessarily good, but they might just feel a compulsion to help. I know you've also mentioned having some boundary issues with your mother, so perhaps you're just psychologically having trouble distinguishing well meaning advice from being controlling or smothering
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Aug 30, 2022 17:47
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double posting to make goons tell me what to do: I've perhaps got an opportunity to host a cookout over Labor Day weekend but most of the last couple social events I've tried to do have left me really discouraged. I think I ought to take the shot but l just have trouble convincing myself that it's worth it
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Aug 31, 2022 00:57
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What made you feel discouraged?
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Aug 31, 2022 01:51
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Most recently there was the incident I was posting about a few weeks ago where I tried to invite some people to a preexisting happy hour on my birthday and no one took me up on it. I've had a bunch of other attempts to organize stuff over the last year that either fell through entirely or were kinda sparsely attended. Maybe I'm just reading too much into it, or have unrealistic expectations- and I did attend a D&D one-shot an acquaintance wanted to run over the weekend that went pretty well- but it still feels hard for me to get back up and try again. I'm pretty sure I should in general, though I guess I'm worried about doing something wrong and I don't know what
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Aug 31, 2022 02:26
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Maybe it'd be better to join someone else's event? Even with good, close friends it can be hard to get people around to make stuff happen.
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Aug 31, 2022 03:09
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Uganda Loves Me posted:Maybe it'd be better to join someone else's event? Even with good, close friends it can be hard to get people around to make stuff happen. Yeah I was kinda hoping for that but no one has plans for it right now, unfortunately
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Aug 31, 2022 03:26
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StashAugustine posted:Yeah I was kinda hoping for that but no one has plans for it right now, unfortunately I have long time friends (10+ years) that it can be hard to wrangle together. As we get older things get more complicated. If you're comparing it to how easy things were to get together earlier in life, you're setting yourself up for failure. That said, just try! Worst you can do is have a quieter night than you thought. You can always cancel if it turns out not enough people can make it out, or change your event to something more low key if it's just a few people. There is a reason that event planning is an entire industry. I'd recommend trying to get people to say definitively whether or not they're coming so you can get an accurate read on a) what to expect and b) what to prepare for. It's easy enough to say "hey yeah I might drop by" and not show up, but if they say they're coming for sure and skip it, then they're the rear end in a top hat for flaking.
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Aug 31, 2022 07:32
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It really sucks to have to deal with the same physical disability problems every single day, even more so when all the other things about the day are the same every day. Stupid pandemic.
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Sep 1, 2022 01:12
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sorry for this long post. id rather nobody read it. i will probably be too scared to look at this in the future anyway. i have a lot of problems trusting peoples' intentions, taking in their advice, even just considering better judgement in a way that's like "yeah, that would probably help and they are probably right." i just don't want to do it. if it scares me or it's a change im not ready to make, it floats right over me. all i can take away from that is i do not want to get better. i can't think of any reason i have this misanthropy inside of me, but i feel a lot of guilt about it. it is disgusting to me. i want to be open to being around my friends, talking with strangers, just being and feeling like a normal human being for once in my life, someone who can trust themselves to be careful, or to provide care to others and themselves. despite all of my justifications and excuses i know i just have this awful, violent, chaotic, reckless side inside of me, and it fucks with my ideas of trust. like i think we all feel the urge sometimes to drive the car off the bridge, or crash it into a wall. but sometimes i have these .. things.. in my head, where i imagine i step on my cat's neck and imagine the look on her face, or even sometimes think about losing my poo poo and physically hurting a friend, again, just to see their face in the aftermath. mostly when i am sitting around, or working. it all seems in the realm of fantasy. or i hope it is. i am pretty sure it is. like that movie you'd play in your head when you were a kid bored in school and you'd imagine a SWAT team smashing through the windows or something. but some of my ideas are about physically hurting things, even though that's a thing I would never want. I would never be able to live with myself if I hurt anything. I hate myself and anything that comes into my head, especially if it feels good. i am so scared of talking about this with anyone. i know they are going to get concerned and ask if i have any intention to act on these feelings, and for whatever reason i CAN'T stand having anybody think that about me, not even for a brief moment, apparently. I know they love me and they care. but still i see i can get pissed and say things TO hurt someone i love's feelings. that is how i can be in other peoples' lives. i would love to talk about this w someone, my therapist, a friend, but i have this deep resentment towards so much, and i have no reason for it other than it's just me. there is no justification for it, there is no place of understanding that i can come from, there never is. it is random and automatic. it is out of control and chaotic. it's hosed up i can't talk about any of this with anyone. they will get concerned and never let go of it. if they think that about me once, they will never let go of it and always hold it, and i will be seen as a monster, untrustworthy, or odd and off, for the rest of my life. i don't understand why people in your life hold onto things against you like that. why not just leave me? i can't trust my intentions. do i love my friends or do i use them? i know what i WANT it to be, i want to tell myself i love them. but isn't that just what i want me to think? how can i know? both things are in my head, i find myself doing that push and pull in real life.. asking for favors, being grateful for their company. do i not own them both as my ideas as well? if that's true, then what of all the other lovely and horrible ideas? this side of me must be who i truly am since i can't reveal it to anybody. i can't make anything. i can't have relationships with people. the ugliness comes out everywhere. i don't deserve them. i SHOULDN'T have them. i actively and strongly reject success. i can't handle it. i feel out of control when i "win," and I should be kept as far away from anything like that as possible. i forgot what this post is about. reading it back, it seems to be a mess, like everything that is me. maybe this is all connected, maybe it is not. maybe i am being dramatic. maybe idk what it really feels like to be out of control and lOoPy and it is all a fantasy i gave myself years ago and forgot. i know how i feel about things now. but otherwise i don't want to think about any of this. i freeze when i do, and it gets in the way of a thing i can at least kinda do that's calming: work, albeit with uncertain thought and expression.
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Sep 1, 2022 02:17
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I can somewhat relate to this, and it's not as uncommon or inexplicable as one may be led to think. I know there's a side-effect in post-traumatic stress disorder and in obsessive-compulsive disorder of "catastrophizing," of thinking of yourself doing something really awful or something really awful happening, and you get lost in the imagined horror of it happening. I'm not a psychologist, so I'm probably get the terms wrong, but in any case, invasive thoughts are a real thing that can be very tough to deal with but it's certainly not a personal failing. I remember reading a blog from some Trek fan who went to a convention, and it shouldn't have been the happiest day of his life, but he freaked out because he worried he'd do something really bad or weird, and that was one of the starting steps to him getting diagnosed with OCD. I know that I myself will see some racially charged word online while looking at lyrics or something, and some deep thing in my head will suddenly worry that I'll read it out aloud, or some dirty joke out loud, in public and I'll permanently humiliate myself. Just weird invasive thoughts like that all the time that I have to remind myself are borne from anxiety as opposed to any concrete reality and personal nature. As for taking advice, I don't think anyone enjoys taking criticism, that's just human nature. For me, the trick is to (a) remember that I am not putting myself under anyone's control by listening to their advice, that I don't have to take it, that I am still in charge, still making the editorial decisions, etc., and (b) that even if I correct myself now, that doesn't retroactively mean I was always and will be a bad person. People are dumb, people improve, and it's important to reject the moral binary so often pushed by society that there are only "good" or "bad" people and instead accept everyone as projects, like sculptures being formed or drafts being written, that their merit is an evolving process. It really works for me to see advice as neutral. I still don't allow people to make themselves my accountability mentors or the like because that's too much power taken away from me, that puts me in too vulnerable of a situation, and maybe one day my self-esteem will mature enough for me to take that leap, but the point is... I think it's important to worry less about being a good and bad person and instead compete with yourself, a friendly competition, a proofreading exercise, to make yourself a better person, if that makes sense. But don't get discouraged. More people are rooting for you than you know.
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Sep 1, 2022 04:05
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veepfake posted:sorry for this long post. id rather nobody read it. i will probably be too scared to look at this in the future anyway. peep ACA adultchildren.org might fit
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Sep 1, 2022 04:22
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If it helps, I guess I kind of suffer from similar intrusive thoughts on occasion, though it sounds like you have it worse off. I think it might come from general pessimism and morbid fascination rather than the complete lack of empathy you worry about, and I suspect it's not something that makes you uniquely evil or anything- especially since your immediate reaction is disgust
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Sep 1, 2022 05:35
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There is a old thing in programming where you keep a rubber duck on your desk and when you have a problem in your code you explain what the code is supposed to be doing to the rubber duck. In the process of this explanation you often figure out what the issue is. It's good to talk through your issues, although the best, safest, and most private space to do so is with a therapist.
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Sep 1, 2022 10:41
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Whenever someone talks about the rubber duck I get irrationally angry that they're not talking about the cardboard cutout dog. I think it might be because the former is cutesy while the latter is witty, and because the first person who mentioned the rubber duck to me was a person I hated from the first time they opened their mouth.
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Sep 2, 2022 00:08
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its funny programming has been mentioned-- it's amazing what a puzzle that actually might be productive can do for your mental health. video toaster is a package by newtek for video production on the commodore amiga. i saw what all it could do at the local college and that poo poo blew my 14-year-old mind. the one time i could possibly afford it, i didn't get one. hard times forcing a live of aimless wandering, plus the retrogaming market blowing up equals i don't like my chances within the next five years. come to find out recently that you cannot get genlock (e.g. synching up cameras as you're recording) through the software alone, which means that the program will crash in an emulator, expecting signals that the emulator currently cannot provide. but the nice thing is that if it wasn't for emulation, i doubt retrogaming would have been such a pricey goddamned market. since 2004, newtek released the source code for the software as open source. i am given to understand that somebody recently released a patch that allowed the software to run. while the switcher was still functionally useless (i'm guessing they patched out all of the hardware calls), you can still use the rest of the software suite (chromaFX, digipaint 4, flyer, toasterpaint, and toasterCG). four of those programs i am really interested in. one: there's been quite a few game shows that used them in their productions over the years and that'd be really nice to see. the second reason is that while i may not be able to write fiction worth a poo poo, i do appreciate those who can. and liking both analog horror and vaporwave, i figure i could at least write a guide for those wanting to get that period-accurate look down loving pat with the tools that saw use during the period. yes, i know there are other, better, less rear end-painy ways of doing this poo poo with better tech and more recent software. i am doing this anyway because it's cool and it's something and it's demonstrating a skill someone might pay me money to do for them one day and also because i am broke as gently caress. yes, this is learning through brute force, but it's not like i got anything better to do right now. i've been working on it for the past 5 days. i got as far as being able to install the programs onto a virtual machine that will run it, and getting as far as the logo-- but i've made a left turn somewhere along the line and the patch isn't taking. poo poo, at the very least, it'll be something the goons can make funny poo poo out of and i owe this thread some good to clean up after my frustrations. Gene Hackman Fan has issued a correction as of 02:47 on Sep 2, 2022 |
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Sep 2, 2022 00:31
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Gene Hackman Fan posted:its funny programming has been mentioned-- it's amazing what a puzzle that actually might be productive can do for your mental health. Here for this post. Love me some Video Toaster. Never thought I'd get to touch it for similar reasons. Keep us updated.
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Sep 2, 2022 12:51
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So this week I did something. I spent most of Sunday baking cookies, and on Monday I mailed them to 10 different people in my life who I love but don't feel like I see often enough. The started arriving at people's places on Wednesday and I think the remainder will arrive by the end of today. Ultimately wound up being a little pricey - the cookies themselves were quite cheap (snickerdoodles and chocolate snickerdoodles) and the packaging wasn't a big deal, but postage wound up being about 10 dollars a person. But tbh it's really lifted my mood like nothing else. I feel a lot better having had the chance to contribute some smiles to people around me. Frankly some of the best 100 dollars I've ever spent in my life. So I guess there's a little mental health success story.
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Sep 2, 2022 17:59
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Tulip posted:So this week I did something. I spent most of Sunday baking cookies, and on Monday I mailed them to 10 different people in my life who I love but don't feel like I see often enough. The started arriving at people's places on Wednesday and I think the remainder will arrive by the end of today. That's an awesome thing to do, and I'm glad you feel like you got something out of it!
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Sep 2, 2022 22:39
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Tulip posted:So this week I did something. I spent most of Sunday baking cookies, and on Monday I mailed them to 10 different people in my life who I love but don't feel like I see often enough. The started arriving at people's places on Wednesday and I think the remainder will arrive by the end of today. very cool!
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Sep 3, 2022 12:26
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¡Buenos días thread! Last night I posted about my goal to move to Cuba in the jobs thread. And since I overshared a bunch about my life story already I figured I’d check myself into this thread. I live in Canada, and in my relatively small town the mental health treatment options are dire and homelessness is rampant (one of my old roommates, and multiple people previously at the house I currently live in, and coworkers at the workplace I found the place through, have been homeless before). I would be potentially homeless as well if my “landlord” (I guess I’m technically a boarder) wasn’t so nice about late rent payments while I’ve been in school. I worry my oversharing is off-putting, since a sleuth could dox with what I’ve shared so far. But I don’t feel too unsafe about it, since I’ve been living in an unsafe situation for so long I’m somewhat desensitized to danger, though not oblivious to it. I have fear that posting about my goal to move to Cuba only lessens my chances, but there’s no mistakes in life, only lessons and chances. I have fear that other Canadian c-spammers will see my posts and steal my idea to move to Cuba, while telling me it’s not possible. I don’t have much fear about confirming the difficulty of it in general, but killing the jobs thread is discouraging. Anyhow, I will update thread as I get more details to share. I’m not worried about judgment and me encanta this thread!
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Sep 3, 2022 18:09
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Yes you are definitely in the right spot if you believe that Canadians are going to steal your idea to move to Cuba
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Sep 4, 2022 02:33
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Jorge Bell posted:Yes you are definitely in the right spot if you believe that Canadians are going to steal your idea to move to Cuba thanks! and true i never said it was rational, just journaling my fleeting thoughts. i wouldn’t think being inspired to move to Cuba is the bad part, just that immigration there isn’t really encouraged and there may be limited spots open in whatever film company or whatever… i dont really know how it would work despite my research so far
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Sep 4, 2022 04:27
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I think a sudden compulsion to move to Cuba is probably something you should talk to your friends and family about
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Sep 4, 2022 14:43
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grieving for Gandalf posted:I think a sudden compulsion to move to Cuba is probably something you should talk to your friends and family about also true but it’s not very sudden and of course i have. i’ve pretty much always considered cuba a potentially great place to live, and better than here. my friends dont necessarily disagree. ive also talked to a couple spanish speaking classmates who are helping me with the language as well. i dont have a wife or kids. i guess i havent “told my parents” yet if thats what you mean, but they wouldnt be executed or anything if i left right? doesnt really seem important, and it’s going to be a while before i can make the move so plenty of time to talk about it with everyone. i mostly posted here about it because literally nobody IRL knows how it would work either. is there a cuban forums to join? youngweeed has issued a correction as of 15:35 on Sep 4, 2022 |
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Sep 4, 2022 15:30
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I mean more that you need people to talk you down from moving to a foreign country the language of which you don't know well and is in a somewhat precarious position as international politics goes
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Sep 4, 2022 15:59
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youngweeed posted:also true but it’s not very sudden and of course i have. i’ve pretty much always considered cuba a potentially great place to live, and better than here. my friends dont necessarily disagree. ive also talked to a couple spanish speaking classmates who are helping me with the language as well. i dont have a wife or kids. i guess i havent “told my parents” yet if thats what you mean, but they wouldnt be executed or anything if i left right? doesnt really seem important, and it’s going to be a while before i can make the move so plenty of time to talk about it with everyone. i mostly posted here about it because literally nobody IRL knows how it would work either. is there a cuban forums to join? If you want actual information contact the Cuban embassy
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Sep 4, 2022 15:59
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SSJ_naruto_2003 posted:If you want actual information contact the Cuban embassy thank you! that makes more sense than what i’ve been doing so far lol
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Sep 4, 2022 17:03
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youngweeed posted:i guess i havent “told my parents” yet if thats what you mean, but they wouldnt be executed or anything if i left right? doesnt really seem important, and it’s going to be a while... this part of your post does not seem rational. talk to your friends and family
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Sep 4, 2022 18:27
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edit: Nvm, that was bad advice
AceOfFlames has issued a correction as of 18:43 on Sep 4, 2022 |
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Sep 4, 2022 18:39
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GOAT with the jugs posted:this part of your post does not seem rational. i worded it poorly but i was high. i dont talk to my parents much. they are chuds and i am saying there is no reason they have to be involved in such a decision right now. there isnt really any other family i have ever been close with and other relatives are rich enough to do tourism and visit cuba if they wanna try and see me e: for reference all my other friends, even my closest coolest ones, think my strip club job was really cool and are enjoying my latest passion for cuba and español. they dont really have much to add about it and the people i know who i couldve asked for resources and support i already did and they gave me what they could! i have a million other problems tho of course and i will continue to talk with friends about them youngweeed has issued a correction as of 19:34 on Sep 4, 2022 |
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Sep 4, 2022 19:15
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my dude you might have some stuff going on in your noggin (not a judgement, just a description). imo prioritize talking to a therapist or checking out AA before moving to another country
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Sep 5, 2022 01:20
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thehandtruck posted:my dude you might have some stuff going on in your noggin (not a judgement, just a description). imo prioritize talking to a therapist or checking out AA before moving to another country Now if they were in the US, moving would actually be the better option than waiting on a therapist.
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Sep 5, 2022 04:06
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