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Jim casts an ancient spell to transform himself into Dwight's sleep paralysis demon.
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Sep 6, 2022 18:14
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| # ? May 29, 2024 00:01 |
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Jim gives Dwight a magic fortune cookie that causing the two best friends to switch bodies. Dwight wakes up on a pile of clown paper. He is inundated with calls from various creditors from Jim's failed business ventures, and forced to work open to close at Famous Original Jim's, preparing the worst pizza in Scranton, possibly in all of the eastern seaboard. Jim wakes up in a goose down bed to the sound of a crowing rooster. Golden light pours in through the open window, and the smell of fresh coffee, bacon, eggs, and French toast wafts through the house. He comes downstairs and is given a loving kiss by Angela, before driving to his job as the most respected paper salesman in Pennsylvania. Within a week, Dwight has turned Jim's life around. Using his own deep knowledge of grain, Dwight has perfected a crunchy, fluffy pizza crust, a spicy and flavorful marinara sauce, and has used his farming connections to procure "fresher than fresh" mozzarella cheese. Upon seeing the foods turnaround, as well as the repairs done to bring the restaurant up to code, Jim's creditors agree to a more reasonable installment plan. The clown paper has been safely destroyed. In one hour, Jim has lost all of Dwight's clients, insulting them for "buying paper from a square headed gently caress." His farming techniques of "shaking the vegetables" and "replacing the dirt with colored sand" have destroyed this year's crop, and next year's. His lecherous attitude has caused Angela to file for divorce and stab through his hand with a mechanical pencil. By the end of the week, Jim has lost everything Dwight had. The two meet up in the same magical chinese restaurant and recount the events of the week. Jim says to Dwight, "well, better send you back to your truly messed up life, huh? Joke's on you, I ruined it! Me! Jim!" Dwight pauses. It was true that he was now divorced and farmless. But if this week had taught him anything, there is no situation so dire that he would be unable to find a solution for it. He looks sadly at his own face, Jim's feral eyes peeping and popping out of their sockets. There would be no hope for him. Yet not even the force of his chaos would ever be able to undermine Dwight's efforts of good and kindness. Dwight smirks, and cracks open the fortune cookie.
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Sep 6, 2022 18:39
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A massive crow flies into the office and drops a letter on Jim's desk before just as quickly flying back out the open window and disappearing into the sky. Jim looks worried as he reads the letter, then quickly shoves it into his desk, ignoring the questions from everyone in the office as to what happened. At lunch, Dwight asks an unusually quiet Jim if everything's okay. "No, it's not. Dwight... I've just been invited to participate in the Prankosphere's Prank Tournament. It's a classic 3 versus 3 prank setup, I don't need to explain the details there. But the stakes are too high, Dwight. I could be killed!" Dwight tells Jim that he thinks he should enter anyway, since Jim is "the best prankster imaginable". Jim smiles and thanks Dwight. 3 days later, Jim shows up at Schrute Farms. "Hey Dwight! Time to head to the Prankosphere for the tournament, you fat piece of poo poo!" A confused Dwight asks what's going on, and Jim holds up a letter that appears to written in blood on leathered human skin. Dwight doesn't recognize the language (in fact the letters hurt his eyes if he looks too closely) so he asks Jim to just explain things. "It's a 3 on 3 Pranking Tournament, Dwight. I told you! You, me, and Ryan! The best team I could pull together!" Ryan, without removing his gaze from his cell phone, nods noncommittedly at Dwight. Dwight sighs and asks if he'll need a coat. "Yeah, and if you've got rain boots that might help, it can get a little wet in the Prankosphere." The next few hours are a blur of movement and color as Dwight is taken into the Prankosphere, a nightmarish world which makes Jim seem downright normal. The next thing Dwight knows, he's standing in the middle of a large stadium-like structure next to Jim and Ryan, who is still busy texting Kelly. Jim steps up and mugs for the audience, when suddenly three massive figures step forward. One of them is vaguely human, but stands nearly 15 feet tall by Dwight's estimation and has thousands of eyes gleaming out from its massive skull. The second figure looks like a pile of boulders and Dwight realizes its some kind of eel-like creature made of rock. The final figure is the strangest of all, to Dwight is looks like several bed sheets have gotten tangled together around a central knot, which pulsates and causes the sheets to flutter and wave. "Okay, the first member of Team Halpert is going to be Ryan! Who do you clowns want him to face, huh?" The eyeball giant opens his mouth and a deep voice echoes across the stadium like a blue whale's song. Dwight can feel his insides vibrating and had no idea what's been said, or if those were even words at all. But regardless, Jim guides Dwight away from the center of the stadium leaves Ryan alone. The being that looks like a pulsating swarm of laundry remains next to him. "Oh, uh... is this happening, then? Jim, we're really doing this, huh? Whatever." Ryan says, barely paying attention. A shiver runs through the sheet ghost and suddenly a pool of water appears underneath Ryan. Ryan moves as if he's about to step out of it, but is suddenly swallowed up. The sheet ghost shivers again and the pool of water disappears. This seems to delight the crowd inside the stadium, who begin to cheer and chant something. Jim looks at Dwight with a desperate look in his eyes. "Oh poo poo, Dwight, oh poo poo. Garfax just pranked Ryan out of existence! I didn't realize this first team would be so tough, I figured Ryan could hold his own until the semi-finals at least! Oh well, I'm sure you'll pick up the slack!" Jim shoves Dwight into the center of the ring, where the rock-eel is waiting. Dwight looks back at Jim for some kind of advice or support, only to find Jim mugging at him. Dwight looks back at the rock-eel and, despite its alien appearance, realizes that its mugging, too. The eel moves forward and Dwight realizes it's secreting a gelatin-like substance from its body. Jim mugs for the camera.
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Sep 6, 2022 18:39
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In order to get Dwight to shut the building down for a week, Jim sticks a bag of popcorn with only one popped kernel under Dwight’s desk. This leads Dwight to believe that electromagnetic radiation caused this to happen, and when Jim tells him radiation can cause infertility, Dwight agrees to shut the office down. Dwight spends tens of thousands of dollars having the building inspected, only to discover that everything is totally safe. "Did I say radiation can cause infertility? Sorry, I meant kicking you in the balls can cause infertility!" Jim kicks Dwight as hard as possible in the balls, then mugs for the camera.
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Sep 6, 2022 18:57
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Jim finishes construction of the "Hyper Straw", which is just three dozen plastic straws taped together, just in time for Dwight's visit to the ice cream parlor with Angela. As the two lovers attempt to drink from the same milkshake, Jim's Hyper Straw appears, drops into the milkshake, and begins to slurp it up. Jim mugs for the camera.
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Sep 6, 2022 19:44
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Jim finishes construction of the "Hyper Straw", which is just three dozen plastic straws taped together, just in time for Dwight's visit to the ice cream parlor with Angela. As the two lovers attempt to drink from the same milkshake, Jim's Hyper Straw appears, drops into Dwight's groin, and begins to slurp it up. Jim mugs for the camera.
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Sep 6, 2022 20:18
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Jim finishes construction of the "Hyper Straw", which is just three thousand plastic straws taped together. He throws it into the ocean with the knowledge that it will remain there for a thousand years, and in that time, harm many animals. Jim mugs for the camera.
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Sep 6, 2022 20:42
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Jim finishes construction of the "Hyper Straw", which is just three dozen physical dimensions hitherto unknown to the science of man, just in time for Dwight's visit to the ice cream parlor with Angela. As the two lovers attempt to drink from the same milkshake, Jim's Hyper Straw appears, drops into the milkshake, and begins to disentangle causality Jim mugs for the camera in ways imperceptible to our three spatial dimension understanding eyes
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Sep 6, 2022 21:01
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Applewhite posted:I read the whole thing. Is this an original composition or an adaptation? It seems really familiar, especially the punchline. famous long joke that's been around for about as long as the internet
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Sep 6, 2022 21:11
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Dwight arrives to work to find a 10,000 word manuscript on his desk. Dwight reaches down to pull off a yellow sticky note. "Dwight, I'm assigning you the Scranton Zoo account, snake division. Brush up on this before lunch. - Michael" Dwight groans as he flips through the 37 page document, and he gets to work. Three hours later, Dwight arrives at the punchline, and he realizes he's been had. His tired eyes look up and he catches Jim mugging the camera.
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Sep 6, 2022 21:21
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Inexplicable Humblebrag posted:famous long joke that's been around for about as long as the internet I think I only skimmed it in previous encounters.
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Sep 6, 2022 21:32
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Jim releases a rattlesnake into Dwight's house.
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Sep 6, 2022 21:36
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Jim hurls boulders at Dwight from atop Mt. Scranton.
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Sep 6, 2022 21:39
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Elon Musk (dressed as Waluigi) unveils his new robotic paper salesman, but it's clearly just Jim dressed in a spandex bodysuit and red tennis shoes. Robot Jim performs a sad dance as everyone watches, dumbfounded and wondering if this is all a prank or if Elon seriously thinks that people will believe this is an actual robot. After approximately three hours of this, Robot Jim catches fire and explodes, killing and injuring several co-workers. Thousands of Tesla fans flock to social media in defense of Robot Jim.
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Sep 6, 2022 21:50
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Jim's hyper straw reaches acroooooosss the room and Jim. Drinks. Dwight's. Milkshake. He drinks it up. Jim then brutally beats Dwight to death with a bowling pin.
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Sep 6, 2022 22:10
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I'm a prank man, ladies and gentlemen. I have numerous concerns spread across this state. I have many presses printing at many thousand reams of clown paper per day. I like to think of myself as a prank man. As a prank man, I hope that you'll forgive just good old-fashioned plain speaking. Now, this work that we do is very much a family enterprise. I work side by side with my wonderful clones, T. J.—I think one or two of you might have met them already.
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Sep 6, 2022 22:27
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Jim eats a bunch of saltines in Dwight's bed so that Dwight's sheets are itchy.
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Sep 7, 2022 00:13
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Applewhite posted:Jim eats a bunch of saltines in Dwight's bed so that Dwight's sheets are itchy. Dwight wakes up and gasps. "JIM what are you doing in my bed!?" Jim crumbles the remaining saltines and throws them into Dwight's face, and mutters "pocket sand" and leaps for the window. The glass shatters and Jim's bloody naked body falls three stories, his landing is cushioned by a pile of manure. Undeterred, Jim mugs for the camera as he limps away. Dwight is left confused and itchy.
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Sep 7, 2022 01:23
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Jim eats a delicious, saucy rack of ribs and wipes his mouth off using Dwight's keyboard and monitor.
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Sep 7, 2022 04:16
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Dwight starts to suspect he exists in a false reality, so Jim offers Dwight a choice. If he takes the blue pill, he wakes up in his bed and believes whatever he wants to believe. He takes the red pill, and Jim shows him how deep the rabbit hole goes. Dwight takes the red pill, then dashes off to the bathroom. Actually, both pills were prescription grade laxatives. Jim adjusts his sunglasses and mugs into a slow motion 360° panning camera.
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Sep 7, 2022 07:19
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Elon Musk storms into the office dressed as Celebrimbor (but using the pointed plastic ears he wears for his Waluigi outfit) and announces that he's giving everyone in the office fabulous gifts. Musk leads everyone out into the parking lot to reveal new Teslas for everyone in the office. Everyone (except Dwight, who Jim locked in a storage closet) celebrates their new cars and hurry to take their new luxury electric vehicles for a test drive. But they were all of them deceived, for another Tesla was made...
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Sep 7, 2022 14:23
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Jim gives Dwight the Lament Configuration and encourages Dwight to solve the fun puzzle. Dwight inadvertantly summons cenobites to the Scranton office.
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Sep 7, 2022 14:35
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Dwight looks up from his computer as passionate moaning begins issuing forth from Jim's computer. Dwight asks Jim what he's watching and a grinning Jim turns his screen towards Dwight. "Tennis. Women's doubles. Nothing like seeing 4 women out on the court, huh, buddy?" Dwight goes back to work for a few minutes until he hears more passionate moaning, followed by sultry voices. "Oh yeah, that's how I like it. Just like that." "That's really hot, I can't believe we're actually doing this." Dwight again asks Jim what the hell he's watching, and a grinning Jim again turns his screen around. "The Great Scranton Bake-Off. They're making hot cross buns this week. I guess it's pretty tough to roll out the dough, you know, takes some effort." Content, Dwight again heads back to work. After a few moments, he hears more passionate moaning followed by a rhythmic slapping noise. He's about to ask Jim what's going on but thinks better of it, realizing that Jim's probably watching the WNBA or something. The camera turns to Jim, who's watching hardcore pornography. Jim mugs for the camera.
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Sep 7, 2022 14:43
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Jim finishes construction of the "Hyper Straw", which is just three dozen plastic straws taped together, just in time for Dwight's visit to the ice cream parlor with Angela. As the two lovers attempt to drink from the same milkshake, Jim's Hyper Straw appears, drops into the milkshake, and begins to slurp it up. Jim mugs for the camera, then realizes that neither Dwight nor Angela are reacting. Jim follows the path of his straw to a single man sitting at a table with a cookies n' cream milkshake in front of him. "So, you've got time for a Hyper Straw, but not for a rundown? I guess you do deserve a little ice cream break, Jim, considering you've been on a break all day anyway." Due to the length of the straw, none of the milkshake has yet hit Jim's mouth, so Jim starts blowing to send the milkshake back into the glass he slurped it from. Charles Miner watches the entire thing stone-faced and with his arms crossed. Jim finishes re-depositing the milkshake then slowly removes the Hyper Straw from the glass. As Jim slowly reels the straw back in, Charles begins to stand up. "Ahh, poo poo." Jim says as he begins to run away as fast as he can. Dwight and Angela enjoy their milkshake and are totally unaware of any of this.
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Sep 7, 2022 15:18
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Elon Musk (dressed as Waluigi) finishes construction of the "Hyper Loop" which is just three dozen plastic straws taped together.
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Sep 7, 2022 15:50
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Jim tricks Dwight into collecting the blue pages and traps him forever inside a book.
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Sep 7, 2022 17:25
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After a successful fiscal quarter and a pizza party, Michael invites everyone to comment on what they thought went well over the last 3 months. Jim is the first one to step up, and begins eating a muffin while talking to everyone. "I work with a bunch of loving children. I haven’t had anything to do with Dwight Schrute in almost a decade, probably wanted nothing to do with him longer than that. Why I’m a grown-rear end adult man, and I decide not to be friends with somebody is nobody else’s loving business. But, my friends—if I fall backwards—will catch me. Dwight Schrute, I felt never would have. My problem was I wanted to bring a guy with me to the top that did not want to see me at the top, okay? You call it jealousy, you call it envy? Whatever the gently caress it is. I have every receipt. I have every invoice. I have every email. I have an email where he says, and I quote, ‘I agree to go our separate ways. I will get my own lawyer and you do not have to pay anymore.’ That’s an email that I have. And the only reason the public did not see it is because when I finally had to counter-sue him through Discovery, he shared a bank account with his mother. That’s a fact. And as soon as we discovered that fact and we subpoenaed old Mama Schrute, he sent the email ‘oh can we please drop all this'. It’s 2022, I haven’t been friends with this guy since at least 2014, late 2013. And the fact that I have to sit up here—because we have irresponsible people who call themselves EVPs, and couldn’t loving manage a Target; and they spread lies and bullshit, and put into a media that I got somebody fired when I have gently caress all to do with him. Want nothing to do with him. Do not care where he works, where he doesn’t work, where he eats, where he sleeps. And the fact that I have to get up here and do this in 2022 is loving embarrassing. And if y’all are at fault, gently caress you, if you’re not, I apologize. He shares a bank account with his mother, that tells you all you need to know about what kind of character that is Name two people that have made the most money off the name Jim Halpert," at this point Jim looks at Michael, "I don’t think you’re there, yet. The first one’s Pam Beasley, the second one’s Dwight Schrute. What did I ever do in this world to deserve an empty-headed, loving dumb gently caress like Dwight to go out on national television, and loving go into business for himself? For what? What did I do? I’m trying to run a loving business. And when somebody who has never done a drat thing in this business jeopardizes the first million-dollar fiscal quarter that this company has ever drawn, off of my back, and goes on national television and does that, it’s a disgrace to this industry, it’s a disgrace to this company. Now, we’re far beyond apologies. I gave him a loving chance, it did not get handled and you saw what I had to do, which is very regrettable, lowering myself to his loving level. But that’s where we’re at right now, and I’ll still walk up and down this hallway and say ‘if you have a loving problem with me, take it up with me. Let’s loving go. Who the gently caress do you think you are? That’s stupid. I’m on a team with Barry Bonds, Mark McGwire, Sammy Sosa and I’m not going to work on my swing...loving go gently caress yourself. There’s just so much drama and turmoil going on." Jim walks off, leaving the office in stunned silence after his tirade. Dwight, deciding that he must have offended Jim in some way, walks over to his desk and tries to apologize. When he does, Jim takes a swing at him. Dwight is shocked and gets hit in the face, but barely feels it. Jim howls in pain as he breaks his hand. "BITE HIM, CHIPS! BITE HIM!" Chips appears from nowhere and bites Dwight on the arm. Jim mugs for the camera and for the extremely niche audience that will appreciate this prank.
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Sep 7, 2022 17:30
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Jim decides to "de escalate" the situation by pushing Dwight down an escalator.
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Sep 8, 2022 01:16
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Jim decides to "raise the stakes" by pushing Dwight down an escalator.
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Sep 8, 2022 02:41
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Jim produces, directs, and stars in an unauthorized performance of Hamilton!, entitled JIMOLTON! The show becomes a viral sensation due to the low production values, poor vocals, and odd changes to the show. In particular, the constant refrain of “I am gonna prank Dwight’s rear end” which appears in every single song in some form. Dwight decides a night at the theater would be delightful and attends, only to be met with Jim’s smiling face on the program.
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Sep 8, 2022 03:18
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Jim shoots Dwight in the back of the head, yells “sic semper prankus”, then leaps down to the stage. He then performs then entire play before a terrified, panicked audience.
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Sep 8, 2022 03:39
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Jim bursts out of Dwight's birthday cake, nude except for a sash that says "HAPPY BIRTHDAY!" Jim then performs a sultry rendition of "Happy Birthday", referring to Dwight as "Balloon Boy" and ending the entire uncomfortable situation by licking a glob of icing off of his own body. Dwight, who has just turned 7 years old, is mortified and his family has been trying to reach the police, but the lines are all busy. "Well, see ya in a few decades, buddy!" Jim begins to glow with an eerie blue glow, then disappears.
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Sep 8, 2022 12:43
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Tiny Jim bursts out of Dwight's birthday cake, nude except for a sash with the number four on it. This is especially alarming because the cake has already been sliced and served. Everyone in the conference room starts digging frantically through the cake. They find two more Tiny Jims, each with numbered sashes, one and two respectively. Nobody can find Tiny Jim number three. Kevin, who already ate his entire piece before the first Tiny Jim was discovered, rushes to the bathroom to vomit. Jim mugs at the camera and pulls aside his collar to reveal he was wearing sash number three under his clothes.
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Sep 8, 2022 15:55
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Jim (Z??G?) murders the dog (a human being) Mose (not moss) in front of Dwight (human???) on Schrute Farms. Dwight: but was it funny though? :/ Jim: FUC- *poofs out of existance* Dwight: lol. Jim: *poofs back into existance* HAHA BALLOON BOY GOT YOU! *Jim takes off his clothes (shoes not included) and proceeds to run around the farm barking*
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Sep 8, 2022 17:18
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Jim goes off his meds ("prank pills" prescribed by "Dr. Halpert") and immediately develops a ginseng deficiency. Dwight is forced to take time out of his day to drive Jim to the hospital only to learn there's no such thing as a "ginseng deficiency." Jim leaps off the hospital gurney, nude except for a pair of tennis shoes, and flees, cackling, down the hospital corridor.
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Sep 8, 2022 17:26
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Jim and Dwight are seated next to each other on a flight to the Utica office for a big regional conference. While still at the gate, Dwight gets up to use the rest room before boarding is finished. Jim notices Dwight left his cell in the seat back pocket and dials 911 and says "Hi I'm Dwight Schrute and I'm about to blow up this bathroom on flight AA420 and I have a big stinky butt!" 10 minutes later, US Air Marshalls raid the plane and drag Dwight out by his hair while he frantically kicks his legs and screams. His pants catch on a nail and his pants get pulled down revealing his underwear. 6 months later the "Big Stinky Butt Bomber" as he's been nicknamed by the media is sentenced to 18 months in prison and placed on the terrorist watch list.
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Sep 8, 2022 17:43
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Jim produces a document incontrovertibly proving himself to be queen Elizabeth's only biological son, and the rightful heir to the crown of England. Jim changes the name of the country to "Jimgland," forces all fish and chips restaurants to convert into branches of "famous originale james's" pizza, and bars Dwight from entering the country. In a nationally televised speech, Jim taunts Dwight. "Are you gonna cry, balloon boy? Not even your famous hot air balloon can make it to your favorite country anymore. Waah waah waaah!" Because of the time difference between pennsylvania and England, Dwight is still at work and not watching the speech. He yawns and taps his pen against some paper.
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Sep 8, 2022 18:02
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Jim executes "the epic water park prank," converting the Scranton business park into a humongous water slide, with the intention of "getting Dwight wet." Unfortunately, early that morning Dwight passed away from complications in his thyroid. His grieving widow Angela enters the office to tell everyone, is shot down a really fun water slide, and gets all wet.
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Sep 8, 2022 18:07
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Jim bangs his pots and pans together, really loud. When Dwight asks, begs, screams for him to stop it, Jim bangs his pots and pans together even louder!
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Sep 8, 2022 18:13
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| # ? May 29, 2024 00:01 |
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Dwight sits down at his chair and is immediately teleported the the Agony Continuum on the 25th level of the Plane of Absolute Torment. Jim takes a smug selfie with Dwight's smoking chair in the background.
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Sep 8, 2022 18:15
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