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Jim goes on the news to "report on dwight," but his Frame is so thin and feeble the news cameras do not register an image on their sensors.
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Sep 15, 2022 16:19
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| # ? May 30, 2024 22:12 |
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Dwight get in his car and is about to back out of the parking spot and go home when Jim raps on his window. Dwight rolls down the window and asks "what do you want?" Jim smirks and tosses a handful of glitter into Dwight's face. "sparkle sparkle balloon boy" he says while skipping away. Dwight, blinded by rage and glitter, slams onto the accelerator.
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Sep 15, 2022 17:45
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FunkyAl posted:Jim squeezes himself through Dwight's pipes so that when Dwight gets up to get water at 4 in the morning, there is no water. Only Jim. Jim then eats Dwight’s liver, returns to his nest in Powhatan Mill, and marries a 15 year old.
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Sep 15, 2022 17:46
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Jim dons Lalaith, the Ring of Pranks, that grants the bearer the will and the strength to prank any man. Little does Jim know that the ring is tainted by the evil of Sauron. His body begins to wither as he (Jim) slowly transforms into a wraith.
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Sep 15, 2022 17:48
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Dwight's car begins to shake and sputter, and he pulls over at the next exit on the highway to see what's going on. He pulls into a small gas station and pops the hood, at which point a large cloud of steam hits him. As he begins to diagnose the problems, a man steps out from the gas station. "Well, that don't look good. Need me to call a mechanic?" Dwight is about to say that would be great when he realizes that man is Jim, wearing a pair of overalls and a flannel shirt. Oddly, Jim isn't grinning or mugging. He honestly looks as if he doesn't even recognize Dwight. Cautiously, Dwight says that would be great. A few minutes later, a tow truck pulls up and a man in a mechanic's jumpsuit pops out. It's Jim. The two Jims shake hands and the tow truck driver walks over to Dwight. "Hey there, I'm Jim. How's about I take a look, see what the damage is?" This Jim also doesn't seem to recognize Dwight, focused on fixing the car. He takes a look for a few minutes, scratches his head, and then walks back to Dwight. "Yup, I can fix this for ya. It'll just take a little time. How about I take you over to my sister's restaurant, have her make you lunch, and we'll see how things are going after that?" Jim drives Dwight over to Jim's Diner where the owner, Jim, prepares Dwight a roast beef sandwich and mashed potatoes. It's delicious. Jim leans over the table. "My brother's a great mechanic, he'll have you fixed up really quick. Oh, the soup's ready!" Jim drops a bowl of alphabet soup soup in front of Dwight. Js Is and Ms dance around the bowl. After he finishes his meal, Dwight walks down the street towards the mechanic's shop. He passes Jim's Antiques, Jim's House of Ribs, and The Halpert Ice Cream Palace. Inside the ice cream shop, Jim in a white suit scoops strawberry ice cream into a bowl for Jim, who's wearing a sundress and has bows in her hair. Dwight makes it to the mechanic after passing two Jims, deeply in love, holding hands and skipping down the street. Jim, pushing twin Jims inside a stroller, waves at Dwight. Dwight waves back and smiles. Dwight's car is repaired and he happily drives off after paying the mechanic a very small fee for the repair. In fact, Dwight thinks this is the most reasonable car repair he's ever had to pay for. As he leaves the town, Jim waves at him, holding a handful of rainbow balloons. At work the next day, Dwight considers telling Jim about the strange encounter, but then thinks better of it.
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Sep 15, 2022 18:13
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Applewhite posted:Jim dons Lalaith, the Ring of Pranks, that grants the bearer the will and the strength to prank any man. The dawn of the third age is upon the lands of middle earth. An exhausted Sauron begs Jim once again to return the ring. "Please. Jim. I'll do anything. Do you want riches beyond your wildest dreams? What about a kingdom? I'll give you a kingdom. Anything. Please." Wraith Jim mugs Sauron. "Ok, you can have it back." He extends his hand, ring in his palm. Sauron reaches his spindley fingers. But just as he's about to grasp the precious ring, Wraith Jim quickly retracts his hand. "Too slow!" he exclaims, laughing maniacally. Sauron can only groan.
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Sep 15, 2022 18:25
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"Hey Dwight, mind if I axe you a question?" With that, Jim brings his massive battle axe down onto Dwight's desk, cleaving it in twain and sending papers flying everywhere. Jim lifts the axe, which had embedded itself in the office floor, and swings again. This time, he cleanly removes the head off of Dwight's bobblehead Dwight. "Okay, now let's see what happens when I chop off the REAL Dwight's head!" Jim swings again, forcing Dwight to grab the head of the axe with one hand to prevent a blow. Dwight flexes and the force of his muscles expanded shreds his mustard yellow shirt off of his torso. Dwight's rippling muscles begin to glow with an eerie blue energy. Jim smiles. "There we are! Show me your true power, Balloon Boy! Force me to transcend my own pranking limits!" Dwight flexes again and the axe shatters into a million pieces, shards flying everywhere. Jim leaps backwards and picks up piece of Dwight's shattered desk. Jim lifts it above his head and begins to glow with his own unearthly red glow, his muscles rippling and straining under his wrinkled shirt. Jim tosses the debris at Dwight. "Catch this!" Dwight shatters the rubble with a single punch, only to discover Jim flying at him directly behind the desk. Jim is now holding a cream pie, which he appears to have summoned out of thin air. Jim delicately tosses the pie in Dwight's face and laughs. "ULTIMATE HIDDEN PRANK TECHNIQUE! FIST OF THE CREAM PIE!" As Jim says this, he poses athletically and sparks of energy explode behind him. Having completed his prank, Jim's muscles return to their normally malnourished form. He sits back at his desk. Dwight wipes the cream pie off his face with one massive, bear claw-like hand, then sits at his desk. He breathes out and his muscles return to their normal state. Dwight picks up a shred of his mustard yellow shirt and wears it like a bib for the rest of the day. "This is still a a paper company, right?" asks an incredulous Oscar. "I feel like I'm going crazy here, people. Did everyone else see that?"
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Sep 15, 2022 19:07
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Jim pranks oscar by feeding his dogs chocolate.
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Sep 15, 2022 19:14
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Jim replaces the tires on Dwight's car with giant Gummy LIfesavers candies. Dwight crashes into a utility pole moments after pulling into traffic. Dwight is killed in the accident and the fire that soon engulfs everything hides any evidence of Jim's "fun prank". At Dwight's funeral, Jim begins to feel actual remorse and considers confessing to someone, but thinks better of it. I'd get in trouble. I miss Dwight, but not THAT much. That night, Jim watches Minions: Rise of Gru but does not laugh one time. As Jim is typing away at work a few days later he thinks he sees Creed staring at him, knowingly, out of the corner of his eye. Jim turns to look but Creed is focused on a pile of mung beans on his desk, he's not looking at Jim at all. Jim heads into the break room for a cup of sugar. Ryan and Kelly are both whispering something and instantly stop when Jim arrives. "Hey, assholes, are you talking about me?" "Jim, I don't have a clue what you're talking about. C'mon Ryan, let's get out of here!" Jim begins to grow more and more suspicious. When he gets home at 1:30 pm he notices that Pam (who left for work later than him this morning) has left a note by the computer. CALL BACK OFFICER SMITH WITH JIM'S INFO Jim feels a cold sweat growing. As he sits down on the couch his phone buzzes in his pocket, startling him. "H-hello? Famous Original Jim's, this is Jim." Silence. After a few seconds, Jim gathers the strength to speak again. "I s-s-said this is Jim. Jim H-h-halpert. Hello? Who is this?" "It's me, Jim. It's Dwight." Jim tosses the phone away in horror and curls up on the couch. There's a knock at the door and Jim hides under a blanket. The knocking is slow and methodical and lasts for minutes. It feels as if the entire house is reverberating with every knock. The knocking finally stops and Jim sneaks up the peephole in the door. He looks out, cautiously, but sees no one. He opens the door and looks outside. A bag of gummy lifesavers is sitting on the front step. Jim suddenly hears police sirens in the distance and realizes that the gig is up. Pam has figured out exactly what happened and informed the police, and they're coming to arrest Jim right now. They'll probably tear apart the basement and find all the pranking plans, the receipts for the giant gummy lifesavers, everything to implicate him. Jim picks up the bag of gummies on the front step and hurls it with all his strength. It lands a few inches away with a soft thud. Jim lets out a howl of frustration and runs upstairs, hiding in Philip's closet. As the cool darkness of the closet envelops him, he feels his heartrate slowing. Dwight is dead. The police will never convict me. I'll be fine. I'm always fine. Hours later, Pam arrives home to find a police car in the driveway. "Ma'am, there's no easy way to bring this up, but your husband is... deceased." "Oh?" Pam says quizzically, "are you sure?" Thrown off by the strange response, the police officer shifts uncomfortably. "Y-yes. Was he... was he perhaps interested in, uh... auto-erotic asphyxiation? We found him in the closet, hanging from the coat rack." "Oh, like what happened to David Carradine? You know what, that tracks. He was talking about doing a 'Kill Bill' inspired prank. So, did you get him out of the house?" "Yes, we were hoping you could identify the body, just to be -" "Skinny guy? Pale skin? Floppy hair? That's Jim." The office marks this down and goes about his way, left disturbed by the encounter but unsure of any other way Jim might have died. The house was locked, there was no obvious sign of entry, and Jim had locked himself in the closet. That night Pam, Philip, and Cece have a wonderful dinner together. "Wow, mom. It sure was fun to HANG OUT today!" says Philip with a smile. All 3 laugh at this for a very, very long time.
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Sep 16, 2022 16:05
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Jim eats several gummy lifesavers at Dwight’s funeral, but for some reason, they taste terrible.
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Sep 16, 2022 16:13
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Dwight has been cordially invited to "Jumbo Jim's Big Buckaroo Original Texas Steakhouse," home of "The Gristle," a 96 ounce steak made of, you guessed it, gristle. Dwight and his family sit down and order a delicious filet mignon. A suspiciously floppy waiter instead brings Dwight, "The Gristle," insisting repeatedly that "if you finish, it's free!" Well, Dwight can't finish. After two hours he has made it through a fifth of gristle and can't stomach another bite. As he attempts to resolve the check he is rebuffed, the waiter saying that, "he couldn't let Dwight pay for that," and, "sit down and finish your meal" Dwight forces himself to continue, chewing bite after slow, dry bite, well after the restaurant has closed, well into the night and into the next morning. He finishes in the middle of the buckaroo brunch buffet, and a Polaroid is taken and placed on the wall of glory. Dwight wearily shuffles his way to the parking lot, where Jim is waving the photograph back and forth. "Jeez Dwight, I've heard of 'staying to chew the fat,' but this time it's you who looked foolish!" Jim stands admiring his photograph, and Dwight projectile vomits 96 ounces of gristle onto him.
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Sep 16, 2022 16:27
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The Worst Steakhouse in all of Brazoria, possibly in all of the greater Houston Area.
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Sep 16, 2022 16:42
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Jim sends Dwight to Bizarro World to switch places with his (Dwight's) counterpart there. Pam looks at the newly arrived BW Dwight. This alternate Dwight looks around the office and curls up under his desk and starts shivering. "So, you got bored with pranking regular Dwight so you had to find one from a world without pranks to make it all feel fresh and new to you, again?" "No, Pam..." Jim scoots down and pats the traumatized BW Dwight on the head. "Bizarro world pranks aren't pranks. A bizarro world prank is literal unending hellish torture. Our Dwight's probably getting just splayed open like he's in a Hellraiser for no reason. You ever see those Hellraiser movies? They're okay, but they'd be better with Minions. Speaking of minions. C'mon, little fella? You want to go see a movie?" Jim smiles widely. "How about I take you to a Minions mov--?" The Bizarro Dwight leaps from beneath the desk and claws Jim's face and rips out his (Jim's) throat with his (BW Dwight's) teeth. "Hoist by my own prankard!" Jim attempts to gurgle as he mugs to the camera.
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Sep 16, 2022 17:02
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Dwight produces an anti-bullying PSA starring the Minions in a last-ditch effort to get Jim to see the error of his ways. Jim watches the 15 minute animated film with wide open eyes, giving Dwight hope that the message is sinking in. At the end of the movie, Dwight asks Jim what he thought of it. "Well, I felt bad when some of the Evil Minions were bullies to the regular Minion. That was mean. They shouldn't do stuff like that. Like when the one Minion was trying to find his stapler but an Evil Minion had stuck it in jell-o. That was kind of funny, I guess, but it hurt the Minion's feelings. And you shouldn't do that." Dwight smiles, content that a lesson has finally been learned. Within half an hour, Jim has replaced Dwight's desk with a duplicate made out of deadly asbestos. When an incredulous Dwight asks why Jim did it, Jim smiles. "Because YOU aren't a Minion, dumbass. You think I care about your feelings? Get back to me when you have to bust your rear end for Gru 24/7. Those guys are the real heroes." Jim mugs for the camera.
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Sep 16, 2022 17:15
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Jim gives Dwight a "Run for His Money" by stealing Dwight's wallet and running around the building four times.
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Sep 16, 2022 18:26
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Jim gives Dwight "the runs for his money" by coating all of Dwight's cash with a powerful, skin-permeating laxative.
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Sep 16, 2022 18:30
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Everything on this page from A Fancy Hat has been great.
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Sep 16, 2022 18:38
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Jim gives Dwight a "Run for His Money" by tying Dwight's wallet to a feral hog.
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Sep 16, 2022 18:56
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Jim gives Dwight a "Ryan for His Money" by trying to sell Ryan into slavery to him.
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Sep 16, 2022 19:46
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Fell Mood posted:Everything from A Fancy Hat has been great.
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Sep 16, 2022 20:26
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Dwight steps away from his desk to use the bathroom, making absolutely sure he's locked Jim inside his computer. Trapped inside cyberspace, Jim decides to "hack into the mainframe" and leak Dwight's closely-guarded beet farming secrets to the world. All he actually manages to do is print a picture of himself smirking from the office photocopier.
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Sep 16, 2022 20:27
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i don't really want to use regex to extract dates from the body of post texts, so i can't be exact, but it looks a lot like they've posted 340,684 words on the topic of jim playing fun pranks on dwight. for reference, the king james bible is 783,137 words
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Sep 16, 2022 20:39
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Jim writes "the Pranksters [sic] Bible" a sprawling, rambling treatise over 783,137 words long, consisting entirely of descriptions of fun pranks to play on Dwight. Dwight soon finds himself a hunted man as agents from the "Church of Prankentology" scour the land.
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Sep 16, 2022 20:51
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Jim is bitten by the bat from season 3 of the office and becomes a character known as "wacky dracula"
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Sep 16, 2022 21:27
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Inexplicable Humblebrag posted:i don't really want to use regex to extract dates from the body of post texts, so i can't be exact, but it looks a lot like they've posted 340,684 words on the topic of jim playing fun pranks on dwight. With this, the television Jim has been fully eclipsed.
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Sep 16, 2022 21:31
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The original show never made me laugh nearly as much as this thread. I don’t think I can ever watch an episode again in my life E: The real Jim is a wiry, skeletal frame covered with naked mole rat skin, topped by a leering smirk face with sunken eyes and floppy hair, kicking in his race car bed like a dog having a bad dream, surrounded by the wrappers of gummy worms. The real Dwight is basically the body of Stallone in his prime with Rainn Wilson’s head in top, smiling innocently in a wonderab while test tubes of beet juice bubble around him. poisonpill fucked around with this message at 21:47 on Sep 16, 2022 |
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Sep 16, 2022 21:43
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The greatest tragedy of this thread is I can't make my friends and family understand.
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Sep 16, 2022 21:44
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How could you ever explain this
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Sep 16, 2022 21:46
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jim what https://twitter.com/tpab133/status/1518081287193604096
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Sep 16, 2022 21:48
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jim, a cia asset, aids in the extraordinary rendition of dwight to a black site somewhere in egypt. as the naked dwight has electrodes clipped to his, dwight's, testicles, jim mugs the camera, because the camera crew are also along for some reason
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Sep 16, 2022 21:50
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Jim gets a call from his handlers in the CIA that Dwight's extensive humanitarian work is in danger of sparking a socialist revolution. Jim nods grimly and rushes outside to let the air out of Dwight's tires. Dwight is sufficiently distracted and the revolution is postponed for another week.
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Sep 16, 2022 21:52
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poisonpill posted:How could you ever explain this Petition Jimmy Kimmel to show the thread to John Krasinski and rainn Wilson
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Sep 16, 2022 22:00
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John Oliver would also probably have a fun time with it.
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Sep 16, 2022 22:03
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John “Jim” Krasinski, wearing an impeccable suit over an insouciant “I’m with Jim” t-shirt, appears on the Jimmy Kimmel show to great fanfare. He’s here to discuss his new “America First” non-profit, which will extend several outreach branches to various Latin American countries, in an effort to educate, and spread American values. The program will also support training and cooperation with certain police or military groups, and liaison with the leaders of countries that are dealing with instability. “Good luck,” says Jimmy, laughing, “I hope you can do something about the price of bananas! They just keep going up!” John smirks at the camera and assures viewers that they’ve “got a plan”. “But seriously,” continues Jimmy, “can we ever expect it? You know what I’m going to ask. Can I ask? Are we going to see more Office?” John looks at the camera and smiles predatorily. “Oh yes. There’s more coming. And this time it’ll be More Jimmy Than Jim.” Jimmy tries to hide his discomfort from the camera as it zooms out for a commercial break.
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Sep 17, 2022 01:23
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Beloved actor John Krasinski changes his name to “Jim”. On a promotional tour to explain the change, the newly christened Jim merely says it’s “pretty funny, huh?”. Jimmy Fallon laughs and Jim mugs at him, eliciting uproarious applause from the crowd. “By the way, Jimmy, I’ve got a big announcement! I’ve hidden a million dollars somewhere in the United States, as a promotional stunt for my new movie! Here’s a clue - find out where Dw- I mean Rainn Wilson lives! It’s probably under his yard, or maybe in his bedroom, or possibly inside his body somewhere! Who knows? Get hunting, America!” Jimmy Fallon laughs and tussles Jim’s hair as the unwashed masses of the United States begin to organize and head for Rainn Wilson’s house. Fallon lets out a howl of pain and tries to pull his hand back but can’t. “Oh yeah, Jimmy, HANDS OFF the hair!” Jimmy Fallon pulls his arm free of Jim’s floppy hair, revealing a bloody stump where his hand used to be. Blood spurts like a fountain and the late night host turns white as a sheet before passing out behind his desk. Jim mugs for the camera.
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Sep 17, 2022 02:58
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Dwight orders pizza from a local, non-franchised pizzeria. Just as the delivery person is about to knock on Dwight's door, Jim, dressed in his Famous Original Jim's delivery boy uniform, leaps out of the bushes and bashes the rival delivery person in the knees with a baseball bat. While the other delivery person is writhing on the ground in pain, Jim pulls a piping hot "Jimmier than Jim" pizza out of the bushes and holds it up, waiter style as he rings the doorbell. Dwight answers the door and Jim screeches "eyyy! Who ordera da pizza?" as he presents the pizza, which is unboxed and open for all to see. Besides bits of twigs and leaves, the "Jimmier than Jim" pizza is topped with sliced-up Tiny Jims. All the Tiny Jims' tiny faces smirk up at Dwight from the tepid, congealing pizza. Dwight screams and vomits.
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Sep 17, 2022 02:58
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Dwight hosts a board game night at his house. Jim sneaks off to the bathroom and drops an upper decker and blames it on Meredith
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Sep 17, 2022 03:16
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Guatemala’s new president talks openly about nationalizing banana farms. “Jim” Krasinski smirks at the National Security Council as he says “Talk about an explosive situation! These banana cream pies are gonna kill me, am I right?”
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Sep 17, 2022 04:06
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Dwight hosts a board game night at his house. It's Jim's night to pick the game. Jim smirks as he slams a heavy, carved wooden box on the table. The name of the game is emblazoned in gold letters across the top of the box. "Jimanji."
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Sep 17, 2022 04:08
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| # ? May 30, 2024 22:12 |
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Jim challenges Dwight to a game of Monopoly, but insists on “House Rules”, ostensibly to speed things up. Unfortunately Jim’s rules include a constant reshuffling of money, the ability to trade properties with an imaginary “lord of the lands”, and a deck of cards that have various bizarre effects on the game. Dwight thinks he’s about to win when Jim slams a card on the table. “I play the Time Machine card! This takes us back to the first turn, instantly resetting every event!” Dwight sighs as he turns in all of his properties and money. Jim mugs for the camera. It’s going to be a long and wondrous few days.
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Sep 17, 2022 04:58
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