r/relationships: I have nothing against this baby.

The Something Awful Forums > Main > General Bullshit > r/relationships: I have nothing against this baby.

Foo Diddley: Oct 29, 2011; cat

haveblue posted:

That was more about the implication that she owns more cats that live off-premises

Also I have a personal rule of thumb that you shouldn't have more cats than humans in any one house

so OP just needs two more rear end in a top hat boyfriends

# ? Oct 24, 2022 18:35

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# ? May 29, 2024 20:48

Kit Walker: Jul 10, 2010; "The Man Who Cannot Deadlift"

haveblue posted:

That was more about the implication that she owns more cats that live off-premises

Also I have a personal rule of thumb that you shouldn't have more cats than humans in any one house

When a friend of mine was younger her family had 13 cats. To their credit, they lived in what was basically a mansion in the jungle and the cats could freely roam outside. Tragically, most of the cats were eaten by ocelots

# ? Oct 24, 2022 18:36

run on sentience: Mar 22, 2022

That breakup prank one was very satisfying to read.

Woodchip posted:

How do I get my bf to understand that I believe actions are more important than words

I think? OP is in the right here, but I had a hard time figuring out what she's actually trying to say about his behavior, so I wonder how effectively she is communicating what she wants to him. He shouldn't have to be told to contribute to the partnership with more than saying "I love you" but I am not sure if that was the problem the OP is having, or if that is just how I interpret it.

# ? Oct 24, 2022 18:37

Kurieg: Jul 19, 2012; RIP Lutri: 5/19/20-4/2/20

Kit Walker posted:

When a friend of mine was younger her family had 13 cats. To their credit, they lived in what was basically a mansion in the jungle and the cats could freely roam outside. Tragically, most of the cats were eaten by ocelots

# ? Oct 24, 2022 18:38

CharlestheHammer: Jun 26, 2011; YOU SAY MY POSTS ARE THE RAVINGS OF THE DUMBEST PERSON ON GOD'S GREEN EARTH BUT YOU YOURSELF ARE READING THEM. CURIOUS!

Well the problem is the boyfriend sounds incredibly needy.

# ? Oct 24, 2022 18:38

Max: Nov 30, 2002

run on sentience posted:

That breakup prank one was very satisfying to read.

I think? OP is in the right here, but I had a hard time figuring out what she's actually trying to say about his behavior, so I wonder how effectively she is communicating what she wants to him. He shouldn't have to be told to contribute to the partnership with more than saying "I love you" but I am not sure if that was the problem the OP is having, or if that is just how I interpret it.

This reads a lot like the recent posts I've seen about people who come from households that valued asking for things vs. households that valued guessing what was needed. This is something my own partner and I have had to navigate, and if I had to guess, the issue is that she expects him to intuit what she needs and then offer to help because that's the environment she was raised in. He probably came from a place where you are expected to ask for what you need to get it.

The clear answer either way is to say "I need help with these things."

# ? Oct 24, 2022 18:41

Captain Hygiene: Sep 17, 2007; You mess with the crabbo...

The other thing is that it feels like every time "love languages" is brought up, it feels like there's always at least one person taking the type of expression they appreciate and applying it in how they relate to their partner, which is exactly *not* how that analysis is supposed to help your relationship. And the partner is doing exactly that here.

# ? Oct 24, 2022 18:47

Soylent Pudding: Jun 22, 2007; We've got people!

AITA for telling someone why their son was fired?

quote:

I used to work with my cousin Dave at this grocery store. Dave was fired about six months ago. It was my grandma�s birthday party and I called off work to be there. I rarely do this. My uncle Matt came over to talk to me and said I should watch my back with my company and told everyone how Dave was fired for attendance and the company fought him over unemployment and Dave never got it and had to pay lawyer fees. This started my mom lecturing me for calling off. Uncle Matt said I should find another job because they will get me too and fire me. Everyone starts in on how Dave should have gotten his unemployment and they don�t understand why Dave had to pay the company back. After a half hour of hearing what the company was crappy and how I should just quit . I dropped the truth bomb that Dave was repeatedly stealing from the register and shorting on change and putting it in his pocket. His uncle Matt yelled at me that it�s not true. I said another coworker saw it and loss prevention has videos of it. I pulled up where Dave was arrested and showed the picture and court case page. It told Dave was ordered to pay back the lawyer fees and the money stolen. Uncle Matt left and my mom said that was a shtty thing to do on my grandma�s birthday. To tell the whole family about Dave�s personal business.

# ? Oct 24, 2022 18:51

Max: Nov 30, 2002

Definitely. Ultimately (and hopefully) you learn how it is your partner expresses their love for you and embrace it, with it being reciprocated on their side as well.

# ? Oct 24, 2022 18:52

Bruceski: Aug 21, 2007; The tools of a hero mean nothing without a solid core.

Barry Bluejeans posted:

Intelligence is knowing that a tomato is a fruit

Wisdom is knowing that a tomato does not go in a fruit salad (but is instead used to create the best ketchup ever made)

Salsa is a fruit salad with tomato.

# ? Oct 24, 2022 18:53

StrangersInTheNight: Dec 31, 2007; ABSOLUTE FUCKING GUDGEON

wisdom is knowing that tomato is the salty fruit bc it's full of glutamates, which means it's going to make anything you cook it into magically delicious

# ? Oct 24, 2022 18:55

Das Boo: Jun 9, 2011; There was a GHOST here.
It's gone now.

Kit Walker posted:

When a friend of mine was younger her family had 13 cats. To their credit, they lived in what was basically a mansion in the jungle and the cats could freely roam outside. Tragically, most of the cats were eaten by ocelots

My parents have 9 cats on their farm, but neither grew up as a farmer so all cats are fixed, vaxxed, and have to stay in the garage at night/when the weather's bad/when there are predators about. Half are old boys, half are kittens that are already getting their mousing wings. :3:

# ? Oct 24, 2022 18:56

Foo Diddley: Oct 29, 2011; cat

AITA for expecting a nanny to dress appropriately?

quote:

I (43f) am currently searching for a nanny for my children. My son is 5 and my daughter is 11.

We found one young lady yesterday that seemed like a great fit. We interviewed her in our home and explained our careers (I�m a lawyer, my husband is a trainer) and told explained everything to her. She seemed happy with everything, was kind to us and no issues there. The problem came when I spoke to her about the dress code I expected. I noticed she had on leggings with a sweater today which I guess was okay since she wasn�t working but I would�ve expected a little more for an interview. However I told her I expect that she will not be wearing athletic wear while she tends to the children (I.e. no leggings, yoga pants, sweats, etc) she kind of laughed and said �so what do you want me to wear?� & my husband laughed but I was serious. I told her that type of clothing is inappropriate since she�s not working out, she�s working. She seemed put off and said that�s what she normally wears & if she�s going to be active with the kids she needs to be dressed comfortably. I told her what the expectations were and she said she understands & left. Later on she told me she doesn�t think this will work out. Was I wrong for setting expectations? I don�t think it�s okay to walk around in tight clothing with my son and husband present, plus she should be dressed like she�s working she�s a professional. A teacher would not dress that way. My husband said I was overreacting. AITA?

how come nobody wants to work

# ? Oct 24, 2022 19:20

Cthulu Carl: Apr 16, 2006

Foo Diddley posted:

AITA for expecting a nanny to dress appropriately?

how come nobody wants to work

Lol at the mask slip at the end

# ? Oct 24, 2022 19:24

Larry Cum Free: Jun 3, 2022; move it or lose it dillweed

Speaking of dressing professionally...

AITA for calling my husband insane for missing work just to teach me a lesson because I didn't iron his uniform?

quote:

Days ago. I (sahm with 3) was in the midst of doing laundry when my husband (breadwinner, works as a pilot) asked if I could iron his uniform before his shift. I didn't say "yes" because I was busy (laundry then kids homework then cooking etc..). I said I may not find the time to to do it. He turned around and walked away completely ignoring what I was saying.

An hour later, he came downstairs freaking out asking why I didn't iron his uniform when he asked me to. I told him I was busy and reminded him of how I didn't say yes to his request. He blew up saying that I obviously don't care about him disaplaying "professionalism" at work (um..it's just a unifotm? It's not like it was dirty just needed some ironing). He lectured me about how his work is important and although I'm a sahm I still should make his job a priority. He decided to miss his shift as a way to "teach me a lesson" and show me how my lack of cooperation and my refusal to help him out could affect the money that keeps coming in. I called him insane for missing the shift, and he got offended and called me a hypocrite for calling him insane and acting all surprised when it was me who caused this situation to happen.

I mean I could have taken some time off doing my chores to iron his uniform, but still thought his reaction was a bit much. AITA? For those asking why he didn't iron the uniform himself? Because I'm the one who usually do the ironing and he said it's "on the list" of my house chores list which's true, but I don't give it priority like other chores like homework or laundry.

Every time I have a flight get delayed from now on I'm going to think this is the reason.

Larry Cum Free fucked around with this message at 19:28 on Oct 24, 2022

# ? Oct 24, 2022 19:26

RocketMermaid: Mar 30, 2004; My pronouns are She/Heir.

Kurieg posted:

I mean it's a lot of cats but that's also a pretty good reason for them to have their own room. devoting a room to one cat seems a bit much but devoting a room to four cats is probably excusable.

I don't think it matters how many cats there are in that house if the BF is making assumptions about how he's going to set up His Mancave without even talking to his GF first, and then getting angry even after she bought him furniture and made space to accommodate him. No wonder his parents were eager to get rid of him.

# ? Oct 24, 2022 19:26

run on sentience: Mar 22, 2022

Larry Cum Free posted:

Speaking of dressing professionally...

AITA for calling my husband insane for missing work just to teach me a lesson because I didn't iron his uniform?

Every time I have a flight get delayed from now on I'm going to think this is the reason.

Countdown to thread getting locked because the only correct response to this is "divorce the manchild".

# ? Oct 24, 2022 19:33

AceClown: Sep 11, 2005

Kit Walker posted:

When a friend of mine was younger her family had 13 cats. To their credit, they lived in what was basically a mansion in the jungle and the cats could freely roam outside. Tragically, most of the cats were eaten by ocelots

"at this point it just sounds like you're feeding shelter cats to the ocelots"

# ? Oct 24, 2022 19:36

Skippy McPants: Mar 19, 2009

run on sentience posted:

Countdown to thread getting locked because the only correct response to this is "divorce the manchild".

I'm more worried that the guy is a pilot.

# ? Oct 24, 2022 19:38

Captain Hygiene: Sep 17, 2007; You mess with the crabbo...

run on sentience posted:

Countdown to thread getting locked because the only correct response to this is "divorce the manchild".

A pilot, acting like a manchild?! :thunk:

# ? Oct 24, 2022 19:42

pentyne: Nov 7, 2012

Foo Diddley posted:

AITA for expecting a nanny to dress appropriately?

how come nobody wants to work

"you can't dress like this around my husband"

feels like most women interviewing for a nanny job would peace out at that point because it sounds like there's 100% chance of being sexually harassed by the husband

# ? Oct 24, 2022 20:17

limp_cheese: Sep 10, 2007; Nothing to see here. Move along.

DACK FAYDEN posted:

I do not recall this one, only the inverse one (where the woman tanked her own marriage by following her friends' advice about what wives are "supposed" to be, then it turns out she was just their guinea pig)

I'll do the needful again because this is one of my favorite stories.

AITA for breaking up with my friend group for horrible relationship advice that broke up my marriage?
rear end in a top hat

quote:

My main group of friends is 4 other women I met at university 10 years ago.

We all met basically on the first week of the first year and have stayed tight with each other done then alive 10 years ago. I used to think they were all bad rear end and looked to them for advice for a lot of stuff including relationships. I started seeing my now ex-husband 6 years ago, we got married 2 years ago got separated 1 year ago and now divorce is final.

A lot of the problems we had was me acting on, what in hind sight seems like, bad advice given to me by my friends. Examples:

Just after our engagement they convinced me that I shouldn't change my last name or hyphenate because it was old fashioned and oppressive, even though Mark told me early on that it was an important thing to him

They planted doubts in my mind about how what originally I thought were innocent comments by his mom were jabs she was taking at me and pushed me to force Mark to stand up for me to his mom

Convinced me that I need to ration sex because some stupid reason that I bought into then that doesn't make sense now.

Convinced me that when we have kids they should take my last name because I would be giving birth and again we shouldn't support old fashioned traditions.

With the last fight Mark had enough and said he wanted out and initiated the break up. I was devastated, I foolishly thought he'd never leave me because again my friends convinced me that I was way out of his league and that he would never leave me.

I decided I can't be friends with these women any more because not only did they give me really bad advice but when each of them for married none of them followed any of the advice that had been SO important when they told me. They each took they husband last names. They all bend over backwards to get along with their in-laws. No rationing of sex. No more kids need to get mother's last name talk.

This just pissed me off and I confronted them,I told them they were just using my marriage as a playground to test their stupid relationship theories and that they only started really thinking things through when it came to their own relationships. I told them I couldn't be friends with them any more.

They are saying I'm being unreasonable and that they told me what they thought was best at the time and that no one held a gun to my head. They said now that they've been in the position things are different and that they're saying it's a lot more important to go along to get along.

That's true, I'm probably going to be regretting for the rest of my life not using enough of my own judgement in my own life decisions. But the thought that I had a good guy that I pushed away because of their advice is just too much for me. WIBTA for cutting them loose?

https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/co5chc/aita_for_breaking_up_with_my_friend_group_for/

Edit:

AceClown posted:

"at this point it just sounds like you're feeding shelter cats to the ocelots"

Was this another r/relationships post or an oblivious goon?

limp_cheese fucked around with this message at 20:29 on Oct 24, 2022

# ? Oct 24, 2022 20:24

Foo Diddley: Oct 29, 2011; cat

pentyne posted:

"you can't dress like this around my husband"

feels like most women interviewing for a nanny job would peace out at that point because it sounds like there's 100% chance of being sexually harassed by the husband

even if there's a 0% chance of that, the accusations of impropiety from the insecure wife have already started. it's just a bad scene all around, OP the nanny was totally right to bail

e: not OP lol

Foo Diddley fucked around with this message at 20:32 on Oct 24, 2022

# ? Oct 24, 2022 20:29

Larry Cum Free: Jun 3, 2022; move it or lose it dillweed

limp_cheese posted:

AITA for breaking up with my friend group for horrible relationship advice that broke up my marriage?

Lol drat lady you're a Sim.

# ? Oct 24, 2022 20:32

Hughlander: May 11, 2005

limp_cheese posted:

Edit:

Was this another r/relationships post or an oblivious goon?

https://twitter.com/primawesome/status/1178671690261286918?lang=en

# ? Oct 24, 2022 20:33

DandyLion: Jun 24, 2010; disrespectul Deciever

Hughlander posted:

https://twitter.com/primawesome/status/1178671690261286918?lang=en

well yeah I mean she really loves that coyote, what kind of sick monsters are we to deny her that love?

# ? Oct 24, 2022 20:41

Human Tornada: Mar 4, 2005; I been wantin to see a honkey dance.

I haven't seen it reposted in ages but does anyone have the one about the guy whose wife started working from home and he discovered that she's super obnoxious towards her coworkers and he didn't know how to deal with it?

# ? Oct 24, 2022 20:44

tater_salad: Sep 15, 2007

R/r: didn't really not want sex, so we did it.

# ? Oct 24, 2022 20:49

cumpantry: Dec 18, 2020

Cowslips Warren posted:

AITA for not wanting to do real estate?

"It's basically four thousand dollar real estate" doesn't have quite the same ring to it.

how about, from a few pages back, r/relationships: I finally yelled at him to leave me alone and he started playing WoW with the door open screaming at other players.

# ? Oct 24, 2022 21:23

snergle: Aug 3, 2013; A kind little mouse!

Batterypowered7 posted:

Anyone remember the post where the OP finds his wife's journals and she was writing stories about brutalizing all the women in his life?

i do i also remember she had like 10 of them i cant link to it though

# ? Oct 24, 2022 21:33

Fezz: Aug 31, 2001; You should feel ashamed.

Hughlander posted:

No I mean the cruise/reservations was for her birthday night. The idiot's plans were really, "We need to talk - SUPRISE FUN BIRTHDAY"

I think he could have avoided this even with his we have to talk text. If he hadn't sent that follow up about how the relationship isn't working.

A fun prank would be "we have to talk..." "About all the fun things we'll do for your birthday."

That said, he's a phenomenal idiot.

# ? Oct 24, 2022 21:36

haveblue: Aug 15, 2005; Toilet Rascal

Fezz posted:

I think he could have avoided this even with his we have to talk text. If he hadn't sent that follow up about how the relationship isn't working.

A fun prank would be "we have to talk..." "About all the fun things we'll do for your birthday."

That said, he's a phenomenal idiot.

Yeah, sending the stupid text is not the reason he's TA and now sans girlfriend. Sending the stupid text and then letting her believe they had broken up for the rest of the day is the reason.

# ? Oct 24, 2022 21:39

Ravenfood: Nov 4, 2011

Fezz posted:

I think he could have avoided this even with his we have to talk text. If he hadn't sent that follow up about how the relationship isn't working.

A fun prank would be "we have to talk..." "About all the fun things we'll do for your birthday."

That said, he's a phenomenal idiot.

Yeah and that followup text had better be FAST. The followup about how it wasn't working out is what torched the whole deal. But even the first bit puts you on really iffy ground and is still lovely to do in general.

Ravenfood fucked around with this message at 23:51 on Oct 24, 2022

# ? Oct 24, 2022 21:59

Dr. Stab: Sep 12, 2010; 👨🏻‍⚕️🩺🔪🙀😱🙀

Hughlander posted:

No I mean the cruise/reservations was for her birthday night. The idiot's plans were really, "We need to talk - SUPRISE FUN BIRTHDAY"

So his plan was to make her feel like poo poo and then shower her with gifts? That's just preplanned lovebombing.

# ? Oct 24, 2022 22:21

MK-Ultramarathon: Aug 12, 2009

I haven't found much in AITA today so I hopped back over to relationships for a minute...

Is it unreasonable to expect compromise in a relationship?

quote:

Hello, I [32M] have been living with my girlfriend [29F] for just over 3 years now.

My girlfriend has a habit of never closing jars or toothpaste tubes after using them. It's usually not a big deal, I've recognized that all jars are probably actually open, but when we're in public or with family/friends it's been an issue where someone picks up the jar and the contents spill out or the lid falls to the floor. Not a big deal.

The toothpaste tube part is what bugs me the most. She will never close the cap on the toothpaste tube. At first I asked her to close the cap and she got mad, saying she just doesn't think about it and so she won't be able to change that behaviour. Fine, it's a small thing, so I'll let it go. However, when she puts the cap down from the toothpaste, she will put the cap facing down, so the inner part is sitting in still water on the counter. We both routinely splash water on the counter without cleaning it up. I asked her nicely, okay, I get that you can't close the toothpaste tube, but could you at least put the cap face up, so the inside part is not sitting in dirty water all day?

I feel like it's a fair compromise. I'm not asking her to totally re-cap the toothpaste, but at least, if she's going to leave the cap off, don't have the inside filled with sitting water on the counter.

My girlfriend told me straight up, no, she will never do that, she's just going to keep doing it how she does it. And the thing that is driving me insane is that 100% of the time, the cap is face down with the dirty water touching the inside. It's not like randomly 50/50 up or down, it's just always face down.

I feel like this is one of those things that people would compromise on in a relationship. If you know something is bothering your partner, wouldn't you want to try and improve that a little, even if not fully?

I can't tell if I'm losing perspective or if what I'm thinking is entirely reasonable.

Do you have any thoughts? Is this reasonable what I'm asking? Or am I out to lunch?

TL;DR Girlfriend won't compromise on something small. Am I being unreasonable?

Weirdly a bunch of comments are "Why don't you get your own tube of toothpaste?" rather than "What the gently caress is going on in your relationship?"

# ? Oct 24, 2022 22:24

CharlestheHammer: Jun 26, 2011; YOU SAY MY POSTS ARE THE RAVINGS OF THE DUMBEST PERSON ON GOD'S GREEN EARTH BUT YOU YOURSELF ARE READING THEM. CURIOUS!

Dr. Stab posted:

So his plan was to make her feel like poo poo and then shower her with gifts? That's just preplanned lovebombing.

Well yes it was her birthday that�s the entire point

# ? Oct 24, 2022 22:24

Dr. Stab: Sep 12, 2010; 👨🏻‍⚕️🩺🔪🙀😱🙀

haveblue posted:

Yeah, sending the stupid text is not the reason he's TA and now sans girlfriend. Sending the stupid text and then letting her believe they had broken up for the rest of the day is the reason.

Letting her believe they had broken up for any length of time is incredibly lovely. "We need to talk" puts someone on edge, and is already a bad prank. "It's not working out" is a breakup and she treated it as such and then he got mad at her for it.

# ? Oct 24, 2022 22:27

pentyne: Nov 7, 2012

Fezz posted:

I think he could have avoided this even with his we have to talk text. If he hadn't sent that follow up about how the relationship isn't working.

A fun prank would be "we have to talk..." "About all the fun things we'll do for your birthday."

That said, he's a phenomenal idiot.

I saw a great tweet that said when you get a text from your partner like that "hey....we need to talk...." you respond back with "you're drat right we do" and see what happens. Play stupid games etc.

# ? Oct 24, 2022 22:52

Zathril: Nov 12, 2011

Invisible Clergy posted:

I believe these are all referring to the same post, and I think I know the one you mean. Was the wife in this one eastern european and she had once been gregarious and outgoing, but after marriage immediately flipped a switch and stopped seeing all of her old friends and became a homebody/housewife who spent all of her time canning/pickling vegetables and building/repairing wooden furniture in the basement?

I can't remember if there was any resolution to it. I'll post it if I can find it.

This the one?

I (36M) snooped and found out that my wife (33F) of three years has been living some kind of sad double life and is not who I thought she was.

quote:

Throwaway because the wife knows my main. Sorry in advance for this rambling mess.

Since my wife and I got married three years ago, things have been�off. I know that people grow and change with time, but around our wedding, my wife changed drastically. She bleached her dark brown hair blonde right before the ceremony, and I honestly thought I was in the wrong church for a split second when she came down the aisle. We moved into our house right after the honeymoon, and she went into full domestic mode. We�d shared cleaning duties before, but once we moved into the house, she became INSISTENT on doing everything before I could even get to it. Since this is our first house, I thought it was some kind of homeowner nesting thing, but it never stopped. Her hair color is none of my business and I think most people would be happy not to have to clean, so I honestly didn�t really think much of either of those things at the time. The big thing has always been how closed off she got after the wedding. When we were dating, she�d tell me long rambling stories about her feelings and rant to me when she was upset and all that, and I liked hearing about what was going on inside her head. After the wedding, that stopped pretty abruptly. If I ask her how her day is, she will only ever tell me that it was �fine!� or �super!� She doesn�t talk to me about her feelings anymore, ever, even when I explicitly ask �how do you feel about x?� She also stopped telling me about anything important that happened to her. About a year after we got married, her grandfather died. Did she tell me she�d lost her grandfather? No. She told me that she had to go to a conference for work on the other side of the country, which I thought nothing of. On the second day she was gone, her older brother texted me to tell me that my in-laws had really missed seeing me at the funeral. When I called her to ask why in the ever loving hell she didn�t tell me, and then LIED about it, all she would say was �I didn�t want to trouble you. You have a lot on your plate�. After that, she went on a couple of �spontaneous family trips�. She�s really, REALLY close to her family, so the first time she said she was going camping with her brother at their alma mater, I didn�t think a lot of it other than to be slightly disappointed and confused that I wasn�t invited, because her brother�s cool and the three of us go camping together a lot. But the second time, I started hearing alarm bells.

I�d like to say I�m a more secure man, reddit, but after the second �spontaneous family trip�, my wheels started spinning and I started to think that maybe she was cheating. This was a weird insecurity in the back of my mind for a while, since she wasn�t showing any other big signs of cheating (she wasn�t guarded about her phone and hadn�t changed her routine/appearance). A few weeks ago, she told me she was pregnant. I was over the moon about it until I asked her how many weeks along she was, and she nonchalantly said �about 12 or 13�. She�d been pregnant for like three months before she even bothered to tell me! She�s not really showing at all, and she doesn�t usually drink, so I had been completely in the loving dark. I honestly hadn�t even suspected.

That was kind of it for me. I was sure she was cheating, and that it wasn�t my kid. I thought there was no possible way that a woman would keep her pregnancy a secret from HER HUSBAND for three months. So I snooped. Yes, I know I was wrong, but I wanted proof that she�d been having an affair before I moved out. One of my best buddies from college is a divorce attorney, and when I asked him what I should do, he sent me the info for a key logger. I installed it on my wife�s laptop and was prepared for the worst. Now, I feel like what I found is somehow worse than her cheating. I didn�t find any steamy messages, but I found out that she keeps a diary in a word document that she writes in every day. I know I should have just stopped once I knew she wasn�t cheating, but once I saw my name in her diary, I couldn�t stop. I read all of it. All seven separate documents, going back to way before we�d even met.

Turns out she�s not cheating. She�s depressed as gently caress, hates herself, and has absolutely no trust in me. All of the stuff I�d been confused and bothered by has some kind of sad, self-loathing explanation. She hates having blond hair, but she writes �I know he�d divorce me if I went back to being a brunette, because wives are supposed to be blond� almost every week. The �wives are supposed to be� thing is tangled up in everything. She thinks wives are supposed to be quiet, which is why she doesn�t talk to me anymore. She thinks wives are supposed to �make things easier for their husbands, not harder�, which is why she didn�t tell me when her grandfather died. It just goes on and on and on. She didn�t tell me when she got a huge promotion and a raise because �he�d leave me in a heartbeat if he knew I made more money than he does. Men can�t handle that�. It hurt to know that she thinks of me as some kind of one-dimensional 1950�s husband, and I�ve been wracking my brain to think of anything I could have done to make her think this way.

What I can�t handle is that she�d lied about the big stuff. I honestly don�t know if I can forgive her for not telling me about the miscarriages. The �spontaneous family trips� were actually her miscarrying two of our children, one at five weeks, the other at about 10. She went and stayed with her parents while she was recuperating, and her brother and sister came to support her. But not me. I didn�t get to be there for her, because she thinks I would leave her immediately if I knew that she�d �killed� our children. She�s convinced that she caused both miscarriages because she smoked pot for a long time before we got married. For what it�s worth, it sounds like her family tried both times to get her to tell me, but she wouldn�t. She finally told me about this pregnancy because her parents threatened to tell me she didn�t.

I�m just absolutely loving dumbfounded. I don�t even know what to think right now. I�m just so baffled because everything she says about me in her diary is insanely nice. She goes on for pages and pages about how much she loves me and how she thinks I�m her soul mate and how she would do anything for me. I just can�t understand why she thinks that I would leave her. Knowing that she�s spent the last three years walking on eggshells around me, convinced that I would leave her at the drop of a hat is just so�confusing and awful. I feel like our marriage is some kind of lie. The woman I thought was self-confident and ready to take on the world is actually full of self-loathing and really, really, REALLY depressed. I don�t know her at all. She�s been suffering silently with depression long before we met. She has no faith in me, no trust. She thinks that every hug and kiss I give her and every �I love you� I say is a lie.

I just don�t know what to do. She obviously needs serious help, but I don�t know how to get it for her. I can�t tell her that I read her diary. If she has zero trust in me now, I can�t even imagine what she�d think if she knew if I read six years worth of her private thoughts. I feel like I need to get my in-laws on board somehow, but I don�t know what to say to them. I know I can�t ignore this, but I feel like any move is the wrong move. What do I do??

Tl;dr: thought wife was cheating so I snooped and read her diary. She's actually insanely depressed, has secretly miscarried two of our children, and doesn't trust me one iota. How do I get her help without making things worse?

Edit: after I posted this I realized I'd kind of omitted the deal with the key logger. It's worse than it sounds, honestly. After it showed me what she'd written that day I went onto her computer while she was sleeping and opened up Word. I saw that she had several documents called "diary year x" so I downloaded them all onto a flash drive and read them at work. I went too far, I know.

EDIT: Theres also this one:
wife [28/F] went from outgoing social butterfly to canning fruits in the basement and avoiding her friends. Only change was she married me [27/M]. Her culture? Depression?

quote:

My wife and I met in university. She was studying food science and was on a visa from Russia. She transferred to stay in the US (had nothing to do with me) and we began dating just before graduation. My wife was totally rad and such a social person, always more so than me. We'd go out to a party and wind-up at an all-you-can eat diner at 4:00AM. She and I had these amazing adventures. We sort of grew into adulthood together and slowed down. We got engaged and got married.

14 months ago, we got married. Almost instantly, things began to change. She pulled back on going out. She stopped drinking, she stopped talking to her friends. In particular, she stopped socializing with her friends from Russia.

She was working on contract. Her contract was ending and instead of renewing it, she let it drop. I came home and saw her exit package on the table. I asked her if she was going back to work and she just said "Naw."

She is a lot more.. handy.. than I am. She says it's because she's Russian and had no choice but to fix things. She jokes that we're spoiled over her with "things that work". So, she set about fixing our marital home. We have a small place that we got cheap because it needed work. Her first ~6 months of unemployment saw her renovate much of the house. New and improved everything. Now, she's canning and pickling things for her "winter stockpile" (we live in suburban NJ....). I came home yesterday and saw her in the basement putting tons of preserves away that she had made. She's pickled everything she can get her hands on and bought a hand crank meat grinder to make sausage. She assembled a crib (she's not pregnant), created a child's room and is now fixing my wardrobe.

Meanwhile, she's completely cut off all of her friends. All of them. Her Russian club; her friends from college, her "party friends." Every single person. There isn't a single person from her pre-married life she still talks to. Her Russian club, which really helped her adapt to living in NY-NJ has been dropped, she is dubious of them and wants nothing to do with them. My wife made me speak to a cashier at a grocery store because she could hear her accent and didn't want to have to speak Russian.

My wife otherwise seems content. Super happy. She socializes with my friends, has a full slate of repairs and canning things to get through before winter arrives and domestic projects galore. She's caught-up on TV, watching her programs and exercise. She's friends with the girls at the local Starbucks and seems to go there on the daily.
It just... it's a 180 from her personality that I knew. She seems happy but is doing all of the things that depressed people do - cut everyone out, rarely go out, stay home all the time, etc. Every time I talk to her, she just reaffirms that she is happy, only needs me, kisses me and then goes back to her thing. I'm worried I'm missing a sign, be it cultural or psychological. Have I messed her up? Is she just a homebody now? Is this a Russian thing?

tl;dr: Russian wife has become a super-duper homebody. It's a 180 from her personality and I'm not sure if its cultural or psychological. She's cut everyone out from her previous life.

Zathril fucked around with this message at 23:01 on Oct 24, 2022

# ? Oct 24, 2022 22:52

Adbot: ADBOT LOVES YOU

# ? May 29, 2024 20:48

Invisible Clergy: Sep 25, 2015; "Behold, I will corrupt your seed, and spread dung upon your faces"

Malachi 2:3

Zathril posted:

This the one?

I (36M) snooped and found out that my wife (33F) of three years has been living some kind of sad double life and is not who I thought she was.

That isn't the one I was thinking of, but it may be the one the other posters were describing.

EDIT: the second one was the one I was thinking of. Well done.

# ? Oct 24, 2022 23:03

The Something Awful Forums > Main > General Bullshit > r/relationships: I have nothing against this baby.

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