zedprime posted:

Well they snagged me when he receives contingency butthole chat if the vagina is incapable. How does a vagina become incapable? How will talking to the butthole help? The answer might surprise you!

barbecue at the folks posted:

Sorry for posting just a twitter link, I think it fits the thread to a t (to a c?), though:

https://twitter.com/vagina_museum/status/1628403345198022656?s=20

quote:

If a medieval French vagina could speak, what would it say?

We actually have the answer to this. Allow us to tell you the tale of The Knight Who Could Make Cunts Speak.

"Le Chevalier qui fist parler les cons" is a fabliau (a usually-bawdy story in verse written by jongleurs to entertain) It was written by an author called Garin, included in manuscripts dating to around 1340.

The story starts with an unnamed knight and his squire, Huet. The knight has fallen on hard times, and sold or pawned his possessions, including his armour, cloak and weapons. The knight wants to compete in a tournament to earn money: Huet reminds him he doesn't have any weapons.

Huet, being the brains of the operation, comes up with a scheme to secure the money to get the knight's weapons out of pawn: he sees three beautiful women bathing in a fountain and steals their clothes with the intention of selling them.

The knight is Not Happy with this plan. He insists that the clothes are given back to these women, and gives his squire a dressing down in front of the women. The women turn out to be fairies in disguise.

In gratitude, the three fairies bestow gifts upon the knight to help him achieve riches.

The first fairy gives him the gift of always being enthusiastically welcomed wherever he goes, a fairly normal and immediately obviously useful gift.

The second fairy gives him the gift that if he speaks directly to a vagina, the vagina will be compelled to speak back.

The third fairy adds to the second fairy's gift: if a vagina is in some way incapacitated and unable to speak, the person's anus will be able to talk to him.

You probably think the second and third gifts bestowed upon the knight by the fairies are a little weird. Readers, so did the knight. He was both embarrassed and baffled by being granted the gift of being a Doctor Doolittle of orifices.

The knight goes to a village and he receives an ecstatic welcome. He meets a rich priest who invites the knight and squire to stay with him. As the first gift has been shown to be true, he decides to try out his ability to talk to cunts, and speaks to the priest's mare's vagina.

The mare's vagina immediately begins singing like a canary. It tells the knight that the priest is carrying a large sum of money that he's going to spend on a nice dress to give to his mistress.
The horse vagina speaks audibly. This frightens the priest, who runs away as fast as he can, dropping his cloak and money as he goes. Our knight now has a cloak and some money, thanks to the second gift.

The knight and squire now approach a castle. Once again, they receive a very warm welcome. Everyone runs up and is hugging him. The count himself gives the knight a great big kiss on the mouth. The countess isn't quite so full-on... but she is horny for the knight.

The lady of the house is eager to have a go on the knight, but knows this isn't tenable as a married woman, so she decides to send a maid along to give him a go instead.
The knight is somewhat startled by a naked woman turning up in his bed in the middle of the night. However, after about ten seconds they start making out and things begin to get sexual.
At this point, the knight talks to the maid's vagina to ask what it thinks about the situation. The vagina says they were sent there by the lady of the house.

The maid reacts like any reasonable human whose pussy has just piped up and began telling everyone her business: she freaks the hell out, leaps up out of that bed and runs away.
The countess is now utterly intrigued by the knight after hearing that he made a woman's vagina speak. But she decides her vagina is a much better class of vagina and wouldn't just start chatting with a knight.
The countess makes a wager with him: she'll give him £40 if he can make her vagina speak, and if he can't, he must give her his horse and armour.

In order to stack the odds in her favour, the countess goes away to prepare. She takes cotton and shoves it into her vagina. The story is specific that she puts at least a pound of cotton inside herself, and that she rams it in with her fist.
Thus stuffed, she returns to the knight and bids him to do his worst.

The knight asks the countess's vagina where she'd just gone, and the vagina cannot answer on account of having half a kilo of fabric in it. Whatever the knight tries, that pussy was just not talking.

He starts to panic, until Huet reminds the knight of his third gift - the Chekhov's talking butthole, hanging on the wall since the first act.

The knight asks the countess's anus why her vagina is being so cagey, and her arsehole honestly answers explaining what the countess had done. Everyone in the room watching (did we mention the entire castle has assembled to watch this?) knows that the countess cheated.

The count orders her to unstuff her pussy, and when she does, the knight makes her vagina account for why it was quiet earlier. It corroborates the butthole's account.

And so the story has a happy ending. The knight wins the money in the wager, and he can now go off and do the tournaments... and wherever he goes, he receives a warm welcome.

You can read the poem "The Knight Who Could Make Cunts Speak" here in its entirety. http://oocities.org/paris/5339/voices.html

Brawnfire posted:

Four and four, but four point down and four up and they're constantly rotating

AFewBricksShy posted:

I loving hate twitter. Just publish a loving blog or something for fucks sake.

quote:

and said: "Sir oval office, now speak to me!
I would know how your mistress came by my side."

Carthag Tuek posted:

eg my faroese grandpa referred to all cats as "he" because they are grammatically male in Faroese, but he was clearly aware that some were female (ie "when is he due" for a pregnant molly)

Carthag Tuek posted:

jus thad an intrusive thought that i am forced to share: pregnant catboys

Arrath posted:

It costs you nothing to not post

Offler posted:

One last Agatha Christie fun fact.

Christie invented a character that was a very thinly veiled self-insert that appeared in a few of her stories - Ariadne Oliver, a famous writer of mystery novels starring a foreign detective. This character was mostly there to poke fun at both herself and the kinds of readers who took her books too seriously. She was mostly used to say things like that of course she knows that real life murders are very different from murders in her novels. The fun fact comes in Cards on the Table, a book from 1936, when she explains why the murderers in her books almost never used guns. Here Ariadne explains that any time she included a gun in one of her stories and got some terminology slightly wrong she would be absolutely flooded by mail from readers complaining about it, so it was much easier to just stick to knives and poison. So already in the 1930s, gun nerds were already so insufferable that the most successful crime writer of all time did her best to avoid writing about guns just to avoid getting mail from them.

Dopilsya posted:

The proper term to use here is "firearm" NOT gun. "Gun" encompasses weapons like mortars and artillery pieces that Agatha Christie did not have characters murder people with. By using 'gun' you are misrepresenting the works of Agatha Christie to the public and promoting ignorance of firearms. In the future, you need to educate yourself and do better.

Carthag Tuek posted:

interesting that the oval office is male-gendered:

con in French is grammatically male (also cunnus in latin), but generally i dont think would mean the referent itself was thought of as male

eg my faroese grandpa referred to all cats as "he" because they are grammatically male in Faroese, but he was clearly aware that some were female (ie "when is he due" for a pregnant molly)

FreudianSlippers posted:

Allegedly "gun" is derived from Domina Gunhilda, a ballista in Windsor castle, which was in the 14th century when guns first rose to prominence in the Anglosphere probably the biggest thing that shoots other things that people would've been familiar with.

This is fitting because Gunhilda is an Anglicisation of the Old Norse name Gunnhildr which essentially means war-battle or even battle-battle.

Platystemon posted:

Maybe he thought that cats worked like seahorses.

Dopilsya posted:

The proper term to use here is "firearm" NOT gun. "Gun" encompasses weapons like mortars and artillery pieces that Agatha Christie did not have characters murder people with. By using 'gun' you are misrepresenting the works of Agatha Christie to the public and promoting ignorance of firearms. In the future, you need to educate yourself and do better.

RedSnapper posted:

It's only a "gun" if it comes from the Guntur area in India, otherwise it's just sparkling weapons

Cool Kids Club Soda posted:

Gunjabi

Dopilsya posted:

The proper term to use here is "firearm" NOT gun. "Gun" encompasses weapons like mortars and artillery pieces that Agatha Christie did not have characters murder people with.

FreudianSlippers posted:

Somme Like It Shot

Carbon dioxide posted:

Platystemon posted:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g_ByK-tNdzY

The moral of the story is don’t underestimate the effect of women on capitalism. As the feather boom collapsed, all it left behind it was a legacy of ridiculous photos and one very nearly forgotten story.

Ghost Leviathan posted:

II think Pratchett wrote about how to an old fashioned country man, all hares are 'she'. (or maybe the other way around, my memory sucks)

Asterite34 posted:

Okay these are actually pretty great, they need to make a comeback

Carthag Tuek posted:

The hat feathers reminded me of this, I don't remember what thread I saw it in, but Janet Stephens made a bunch of videos on how to recreate the hairstyles of ancient history using only the historical technology, her channel has a whole bunch:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5BMEoxT5YVk


Also some more medicinals from the plague year apothecary bill I mentioned earlier itt:
- Mixtur. bezoard. antifebril. pestilent. (a mix of various anti-inflammatory bezoars, which are hard trapped masses found in the digestive systems of humans and animals, as opposed to the also mentioned gastroliths which are natural rocks used in digestion)
- Emplastr. Triapharmac. c. Camphor (bandage with three pharmaceuticals and camphor)
- Sal volatil. corn. cerv. ("volatile salts from pallisade cone sea snails", according to Wikipedia they're poisonous so it sounds like a Mithridatism thing)

They really loved using weird poo poo they found in offal for medicine

Arsenic Lupin posted:

Fantastic post; thank you.

I've read early-20th-centuries where people, including mothers, routinely refer to the baby as "it".

3D Megadoodoo posted:

Not a historical fact, because it's current, but in the Finnish language, people are always referred to as it, except for:

- babies
- professional athletes
- one's husband who one hates
- dogs
- cats
- one's friend who one hates

3D Megadoodoo posted:

the Finnish language

3D Megadoodoo posted:

Not a historical fact, because it's current, but in the Finnish language, people are always referred to as it, except for:

- babies
- professional athletes
- one's husband who one hates
- dogs
- cats
- one's friend who one hates

Beachcomber posted:

Do dogs and cats get their own separate pronouns?

DigitalRaven posted:

Wait, these are common enough that you need a specific word?

...never mind