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Especially if either of you play high-level chess.
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Feb 3, 2023 20:35
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Oh lmao, of course. I guess thing I got caught up on was the implication that maximising distance between the remote and the vibrator increases effectiveness. We have a simple IR one (clitoral) that just lets me change the vibration speed. Kinda neat, but we have to be in the same room.
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Feb 3, 2023 22:38
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whydirt posted:Better eat what you make just to be safe! Apparently there are cultures that practice this.
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Feb 5, 2023 15:46
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I have been in my current relationship for almost nine months now, and literally everything about it is amazing except for the fact that I cannot for the life of me get her off. I have literally never had this issue. I was with my ex-wife for nearly 20 years, and we had an amazing sex life. After the divorce I went a bit crazy since before that I had only ever been with my wife, and nearly every sexual partner I had gave nothing but compliments about how I cared so much more about their pleasure than most of their previous partners...which is sad, but still. Some background: She is a 35 year-old virgin who rarely even masturbates. This is seemingly heavily related to her Catholic faith. She is not asexual and she is able to get herself off on the very rare occasion that she does masturbate. Although, I did have to describe to her what an orgasm was before she could confirm that. She has never gotten off with anyone else, although she seemingly rarely had any of her previous relationships attempt to get physical with her (which is extremely odd to me since she's gorgeous, but that's a whole other thing.) A couple of guys had gone down on her, and apparently it always involved alcohol. I don't think manual stimulation was common, either. Before me, she had never given a blowjob, and had only even touched I think two other dicks. Even though I'm yet to be able to get her off manually or orally, she said I had been the best by far and gotten her the closest out of anyone else. I fully believe her in that, she isn't the type to lie about anything like that to make me feel better about myself. It's odd though, as when I'm doing anything for her there is barely any reaction. She doesn't audibly or physically react to anything. It's like by default nothing feels good for her at all, and only very specific actions and spots (which never seem to be the same) even provide any stimulation. It's like her clit is completely desensitized. She seems to react more to fingering than clitoral stimulation, but even that doesn't illicit much. After talking about it with her I've gotten her to start telling me when something DOES feel good, but it's seemingly rare and I am unable to maintain whatever it is. This is made more difficult by the fact that she can't articulate to me what it was that felt good, or even describe what it is she does to get herself off. I want to learn what feels good for her, but me asking has gotten her in her head and just causes stress that makes it even more difficult. It seems to be a vicious cycle. We've talked about it, and she's happy with what we've done and is fine with not being able to orgasm. I'm not fine with not being able to do it for her, though, especially as it makes me feel guilty that she can do that for me. It's like I have no right to receive that if I can't make it happen for her, you know? I guess what I'm looking for is advice on how to approach this situation and figure out what feels best for her without putting so much pressure on her that it completely backfires. I did purchase her a rose clitoral suction vibrator, but we haven't used it together yet and she hasn't used it on her own.
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Feb 8, 2023 22:36
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I'm not sure it's a healthy attitude to think that sex has to end with orgasm. I think instead of focusing on getting your partner off, or worring whether either you or her is at fault for this, you should instead focus on things that make you both happy together. I think I'd also gently like to point out that to me, a total stranger, it sounds like it's much more important to you than it is to her. Nobody has the exact same sexual drive, and it can vary wildly over the same persons lifetime - but at the end of the day it's "just" sex; making a big deal out of it puts more importance on it than it deserves, especially if it becomes an issue that can affect a partnership. EDIT: Have you talked to her about this guilt you feel over not being able to get her off? Sex shouldn't be quid-pro-quo - making it into an obligation is one of the few things you can do to sex to make it not sexy. BlankSystemDaemon fucked around with this message at 22:51 on Feb 8, 2023 |
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Feb 8, 2023 22:45
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GoGoGadget: try the vibrator. Also if possible, make it clear that you want to make her feel good, orgasms be damned. Trying to do an orgasm on command is a great way to get performance anxiety as orgasms are 90% mental in my experience.
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Feb 8, 2023 23:13
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BlankSystemDaemon posted:I'm not sure it's a healthy attitude to think that sex has to end with orgasm. I understand sex doesn't have to end in orgasm, or in this case any sexual activity. To be clear, we haven't had sex. Just manual and oral stimulation. And yes, it is more important to me than to her. She has said she's perfectly happy with what we've done so far. I have briefly brought up my guilt regarding that, but don't want to push it too much as it will just put more pressure on her. I know I have to get over it being a quid-pro-quo situation, but I also do not want to appear to be the stereotypical guy that doesn't care about my partner's pleasure, and I feel like asking for anything when I can't provide it myself is wrong. StrixNebulosa posted:GoGoGadget: try the vibrator. Also if possible, make it clear that you want to make her feel good, orgasms be damned. Trying to do an orgasm on command is a great way to get performance anxiety as orgasms are 90% mental in my experience. I am really hoping the vibrator helps. She has never used one, so who knows. Our last discussion about it was that as long as she's happy with what I'm doing for her, I am. But there is still massive guilt behind it. It's also really disheartening to feel like I'm wasting her time while we're engaged in anything sexual because most time it doesn't even seem to feel good, orgasm or not, even though she otherwise shows she's into it with the making out that's going on. GoGoGadget fucked around with this message at 23:46 on Feb 8, 2023 |
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Feb 8, 2023 23:26
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Orgasms are mental. If she is feeling pressured to have one, it's going to be hard for her to relax and enjoy it. I'm basically the same way - if my partner approaches it like "I want to make you cum" they are going to have to work a lot harder than if we're just doing whatever is fun. Not that I don't think that's hot sometimes, it's just you spend more time thinking about performing than about enjoying. Also, a lot of people just have a hard time relaxing in sexual situations. You said she came from a very conservative background, and so there could be mental blocks / trauma around that stuff. If she wants to try to do something about that (this is very important - it has to be her wanting to be more comfortable with sexuality, not you pushing her to), a therapist or psychologist is the correct professional to help. KillHour fucked around with this message at 01:56 on Feb 9, 2023 |
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Feb 9, 2023 01:54
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Can you try reframing it in your head from "I'm being a good partner if I can make my partner orgasm" to "I'm being a good partner if I am meeting my partner's needs and desires and I trust them when they tell me what those needs and desires are"?
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Feb 9, 2023 02:09
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GoGoGadget posted:I understand sex doesn't have to end in orgasm, or in this case any sexual activity. To be clear, we haven't had sex. Just manual and oral stimulation. I'm being extremely picky, but I think this qualifies as sex. You're both naked and touching each other in intimate areas with intent to share pleasure, and orgasms are a potential end goal.
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Feb 9, 2023 02:28
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StrixNebulosa posted:orgasms are 90% mental in my experience. This is absolutely true. As (I presume) a guy, you’ll have noticed this just from masturbating. Orgasms are much more intense, and the resulting fluids much more noticeable, if you are really into it, mentally. So with her, take it slow. It’s not about the orgasm being the goal, it’s about the journey getting there. You will get here there. Just take it nice and easy. It can take time in these kids of situations.
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Feb 9, 2023 02:35
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Thanks for the advice. I definitely get the mental aspect of it all. I've been on antidepressants since 2014, so I know all too well how being unable to orgasm and how that affected my partner made it more difficult with the pressure I felt. I guess I put a lot of pressure on the entire situation because physical intimacy is extremely important to me and although everything else about us is great, I feel like I'll have regret and eventually resentment if we continue to advance our relationship but find out later we're just not sexually compatible. Especially since with the current roadmap we won't be getting married, and thus almost certainly not having sex, until 2024. I'll be turning 38, and haven't had sex since meeting her 9 months ago.
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Feb 9, 2023 03:21
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Dude, just cause you aren't putting your dick in a vagina doesn't mean you aren't having sex and finding out if you're sexually compatible.
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Feb 9, 2023 03:28
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Also AFAB people can have trouble orgasming due to societal bullshit at first. My advice is to make her feel special and loved while you take it slow. Reassure her if she's nervous and if she decides to want to pause things or tap out, let her.
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Feb 9, 2023 06:04
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Also, has she told you she's having a good time? Some people just aren't particularly demonstrative with nonverbal signals; if she's telling you she enjoys it, I'd trust her. If you're concerned, you could maybe ask her about being more verbally expressive about when things feel good and what she wants more of?
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Feb 9, 2023 06:35
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Thinking about it more, it isn't so much about the orgasm as it is that she doesn't seem to enjoy the majority of what I do for her. She doesn't dislike it...she's just very neutral about it. Telling me something I'm doing feels good is rare, and happens at most twice per encounter. She can't articulate what it was that felt good when I lose it, so I can never get it back. The baseline is no reaction at all and seemingly no pleasure. I realize some of this is due to her upbringing and her inexperience. But I also worry that she just doesn't have much sensation. I read somewhere about clitoral atrophy being a thing in people who don't have sex or masturbate. I had never heard of that before I started reading things in response to her lack of sensitivity. As I pointed out before, she has barely ever masturbated before, and had very few encounters with previous partners. She's the only woman I've been with that I couldn't feel her clitoris prominently when she's aroused. I am going to continue being patient with everything, but I just desperately want to be able to make her feel good. Antivehicular posted:Also, has she told you she's having a good time? Some people just aren't particularly demonstrative with nonverbal signals; if she's telling you she enjoys it, I'd trust her. If you're concerned, you could maybe ask her about being more verbally expressive about when things feel good and what she wants more of? Yes, she has told me she is happy with things as they are. I have asked her to be more verbally expressive, which is why she now will tell me when something is feeling good. But if I ask her to express what exactly feels good it's difficult for her. I imagine this'll get better with experience, and is another reason I bought her the vibrator. We just need to get around to using it... GoGoGadget fucked around with this message at 06:38 on Feb 9, 2023 |
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Feb 9, 2023 06:35
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GoGoGadget posted:Yes, she has told me she is happy with things as they are. I have asked her to be more verbally expressive, which is why she now will tell me when something is feeling good. But if I ask her to express what exactly feels good it's difficult for her. I imagine this'll get better with experience, and is another reason I bought her the vibrator. We just need to get around to using it... Expressing what feels good could be due to her upbringing as well. Unpacking patriarchal sex bullshit is a lot of work without adding religion into the mix.
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Feb 9, 2023 07:06
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Give it some time and keep trying. Good luck!
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Feb 9, 2023 10:57
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Also just to point out: lots of people who do not inherently enjoy sex enjoy engaging in the act because we derive pleasure from seeing our partner enjoy us, or giving pleasure is its own pleasure because its an act of service. Don't stress it, trust her telling you she is having a good time.
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Feb 9, 2023 22:51
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GoGoGadget posted:...if we continue to advance our relationship but find out later we're just not sexually compatible. Especially since with the current roadmap we won't be getting married, and thus almost certainly not having sex, until 2024. I'll be turning 38, and haven't had sex since meeting her 9 months ago. hey sorry to just jump in and post not about the sex but would you say you're currently sexually compatible given the information you have before you at present because as an outside observer it seems like the answer is already extremely evident with like ten months left before 2024 starts. ok, thank you for hearing me out.
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Feb 9, 2023 23:25
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Gambit from the X-Men posted:hey sorry to just jump in and post not about the sex but would you say you're currently sexually compatible given the information you have before you at present because as an outside observer it seems like the answer is already extremely evident with like ten months left before 2024 starts. ok, thank you for hearing me out. Not in the way that I was with my ex wife, no, but that is unfair to compare against as we were together almost 20 years from the time I was 16. She has shown a willingness to adjust to my physical wants and needs despite her inexperience and not being as physical of a person as I am. So I feel we are compatible in theory, but that it will take time to more closely match.
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Feb 10, 2023 01:11
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GoGoGadget posted:Not in the way that I was with my ex wife, no, but that is unfair to compare against as we were together almost 20 years from the time I was 16. She has shown a willingness to adjust to my physical wants and needs despite her inexperience and not being as physical of a person as I am. So I feel we are compatible in theory, but that it will take time to more closely match. You should probably decide if the right now this moment level of compatibility is enough for you. 9 months is a long time for adults. There’s always a chance there will be more progress towards the side you’re hoping, but honestly most of the progress your partner is comfortable with is probably already made. Not to say it can’t be swung to a more physical side, But you should be very ready that this may be the end of the road, and decide if you’re comfortable with that. If you’re not sure then you’re probably not.
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Feb 10, 2023 01:38
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My dude, do not pressure the 35 year old Catholic into sex because you will cause an immensely damaging crisis that will upend their life while you move on to the next conquest.
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Mar 7, 2023 05:41
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Pilfered Pallbearers posted:You should probably decide if the right now this moment level of compatibility is enough for you. 100000% this 10000000000000% this she’s not going to change, and any meaningful attempt on your part to make her more compatible with your (entirely reasonable and valid, but probably incompatible with her) wants is almost certainly going to end badly for both of you. nine months is well into the honeymoon “I can’t keep my hands off of you” phase of most relationships. After that, sex in long term relationships tends to stabilize and become more routine, barring the obvious ebbs and flows of time/bodies/things happening in ones’ lives/etc. Right now, you are probably seeing her at her most excitable/excited about sex with you. She’s probably not going to become more-so in the future. There’s no shame in figuring that out now, this is the time when a lot of relationships wind down/end for exactly this reason. trilobite terror fucked around with this message at 06:03 on Mar 7, 2023 |
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Mar 7, 2023 06:01
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FilthyImp posted:My dude, do not pressure the 35 year old Catholic into sex because you will cause an immensely damaging crisis that will upend their life while you move on to the next conquest. Counterpoint, religious girls are the horniest/most depraved I have ever encountered.
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Mar 8, 2023 00:34
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Laserface posted:Counterpoint, religious girls are the horniest/most depraved I have ever encountered. Not ones that have held up the facade not just publicly, but privately for 35 years, I’d assume.
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Mar 8, 2023 00:48
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I saw a woman through half of last year who was either atheist or Catholic depending on when you asked her. The only thing thing holding all the shards of her personality together was her unstoppable libido.
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Mar 8, 2023 01:13
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cum jabbar posted:I saw a woman through half of last year who was either atheist or Catholic depending on when you asked her. The only thing thing holding all the shards of her personality together was her unstoppable libido. As someone who went to Catholic school, this tracks with my experience as a not uncommon thing. It doesn't mean everyone is like that though.
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Mar 8, 2023 01:16
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Laserface posted:Counterpoint, religious girls are the horniest/most depraved I have ever encountered. yeah but the ones that are like that have usually figured themselves out by adulthood, let alone 35 and despite the stereotype, it’s not OP’s place to “come on Virginia, don’t let me wait” his middle aged girlfriend into being fun in bed
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Mar 8, 2023 01:23
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I had a partner that was not into sex at all most of the time, outside of a very few certain periods where she rediscovered her sexuality and leaned into it real hard. she couldnt really orgasm, always said she felt something building up but then it just fizzled away and she would still feel but not find the feelings pleasurable. it was not something I had any ability to predict or trigger. I dont think even she had control over it. the only thing i really noticed that seemed to be a constant in these situations was her trying on new underwear (push up bras specifically, because she never wore them) and seeing herself through a sexual lens. she didnt really like flaunting her femininity, always dressed pretty modestly (no cleavage, no short skirts, legs always covered) so maybe seeing herself sexualised made her want sex? we split up years ago, but as of our last catch up she still has no idea how/why it happens. Im not saying that is the case with your partner but my point is that some peoples brains just arent really wired with sex as a thing front and centre or even mid-rear centre. whether they suppress it, its their upbringing or it just isnt their biology doesnt really matter. sometimes they stumble into something that lights the fire in them. I suggest if it ever happens, dont make a big fuss about it, just roll with it, enjoy it for what is and dont draw attention to it too much after the fact. that seemed to help keep the good times rolling, in my case. I should also point out that we had a totally normal, horny honeymoon period for the first 6-9 months so maybe you are SOL, OP.
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Mar 8, 2023 03:05
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KillHour posted:As someone who went to Catholic school, this tracks with my experience as a not uncommon thing. It doesn't mean everyone is like that though. Same.
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Mar 8, 2023 14:21
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FilthyImp posted:My dude, do not pressure the 35 year old Catholic into sex because you will cause an immensely damaging crisis that will upend their life while you move on to the next conquest. Not sure where you got that impression. I'm going to be proposing to her at the end of this month. Anyway, as an update, I finally just spoke to her more openly about this. Essentially, the outcome was her thanking me for being patient with her, letting me know just how much she loves and cares for me, and letting me know she is "always down to make out" and that she's happy to be physical (at least as far as we have been) more often if that's something I need in the relationship; she just can't read my mind and I need to let her know these things. She did re-affirm that we most likely will not be having sex before marriage, but I'm fine with that. She has gone above and beyond to address my concerns since I brought them up. I'm now more comfortable than I ever was with her and in our relationship. The issue with not being able to bring her to orgasm is still there, but as we've done more we're both continually learning about what makes her feel good. I'm not as concerned about it as I once was, so long as I know she is enjoying being intimate with me with or without orgasm. I also did find out she had been less physically intimate before me than I previously knew. She had only ever given a couple of guys a handjob before me, and one of them was once or twice while the other was a handful (pun intended) of times, but only when they got drunk.
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Mar 8, 2023 19:55
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GoGoGadget posted:Not sure where you got that impression. I'm going to be proposing to her at the end of this month. so you’re gonna marry this woman as a post-divorce rebound, end up in a sexually incompatible and unsatisfying marriage, and slowly come to resent her once the bounds of that incompatibility become crystal clear and are driven home to you every single night that you share a bed with her some dudes buy a sporty car or get a dog or work on reinventing their career, but “UHAULing with a woman who unfavorably compares to your ex” sounds like a way more dope plan Edit: re-read the part about “she reiterated that we’re probably not going to have sex before marriage…”  Dogg, you are walking into a loving disaster. Like I would be raising red flags if you were posting this in your early 20s, never mind your late 30s/early 40s with an ex-wife.You say that you don’t care about her refusing to have sex with you before marriage and yet you are posting about it in the SA Sex Questions thread, so obviously it bothers you. Do you really think that the odds are in your favor that the sex you guys end up having is going to be worth the wait? Not to buy into stereotypes but the likelihood of a woman who has worked to preserve her chastity and virginity until her mid-30s in 2023- but cannot articulate some overarching religious edict strictly driving that-becoming a dynamo in bed once she’s married is nil. There are literally millions of women who are not your ex-wife and are not this woman. trilobite terror fucked around with this message at 21:28 on Mar 8, 2023 |
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Mar 8, 2023 21:14
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Waiting until marriage doesn’t mean no sex after marriage. It’s quite weird some of y’all are conflating the two. It’s also pretty normal for either men or women to have problems reaching orgasm for a while with a partner the first time they have a serious partner.
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Mar 8, 2023 21:20
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Bar Ran Dun posted:Waiting until marriage doesn’t mean no sex after marriage. It’s quite weird some of y’all are conflating the two. I don’t think that’s an issue here. The issue is her deriving basically no to little pleasure or enjoyment from any sexual activity, then expecting PiV sex to go any better. The odds are pretty drat high that if she has trouble receiving pleasure from solely focused on her stimulation it’s going to be even less enjoyable with actual PiV.
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Mar 8, 2023 21:47
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Pilfered Pallbearers posted:The odds are pretty drat high that if she has trouble receiving pleasure from solely focused on her stimulation it’s going to be even less enjoyable with actual PiV. I haven’t seen any suggestion she has trouble experiencing pleasure only that he doesn’t like the way she does experience pleasure. It’s not about orgasms for everybody and its just as likely that she has a mental block about orgasming before marriage as it is to make assumptions about how she will like sex in ways she hasn’t tried. I’ve been with partners who have some sort of mental block against orgasm that they needed to work out on their own and many successfully have done so.
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Mar 8, 2023 21:54
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Grassy Knowles posted:I haven’t seen any suggestion she has trouble experiencing pleasure only that he doesn’t like the way she does experience pleasure. GoGoGadget posted:Thinking about it more, it isn't so much about the orgasm as it is that she doesn't seem to enjoy the majority of what I do for her. She doesn't dislike it...she's just very neutral about it. Telling me something I'm doing feels good is rare, and happens at most twice per encounter. She can't articulate what it was that felt good when I lose it, so I can never get it back. The baseline is no reaction at all and seemingly no pleasure.
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Mar 8, 2023 22:09
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I’ve had bad sex before, so OP walking “clear eyes, full heart, can’t lose” into committing to a bad sex relationship is totally cool and normal isn’t the slam dunk that some people ITT appear to believe that it is
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Mar 8, 2023 22:19
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She doesn’t “seem to” disagrees with the actual words the human being is saying about being happy with things. GoGoGadget posted:Yes, she has told me she is happy with things as they are. I have asked her to be more verbally expressive, which is why she now will tell me when something is feeling good. But if I ask her to express what exactly feels good it's difficult for her. I imagine this'll get better with experience, and is another reason I bought her the vibrator. We just need to get around to using it... All this being said, have you all discussed specifics of how you expect sexual behavior to be changing AFTER the marriage or is it just known that it will be changing somehow?
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Mar 8, 2023 22:53
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GoGoGadget posted:Not sure where you got that impression. I'm going to be proposing to her at the end of this month. if you cant get her off with your fingers or your mouth you definitely aint doing it with your dick dude. Pilfered Pallbearers posted:I don’t think that’s an issue here. this. never had a partner that didnt prefer fingers/oral/toys over straight dick. not saying they dont exist or that women dont enjoy PiV, but to pin your hopes on dick and dick alone getting her off is pretty foolish. in fact most of my partners could only get off on dick if they got one or two under the belt before PiV to get good and ready for some smashin'. anecdotal but still. sex isnt just about cumming for women but if shes not even really sure if shes enjoying what you're doing then maybe theres something else going on. I would not be getting married to someone who was not sure of what they like about sex or if they even like sex at all, if i myself cared about sex.
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Mar 9, 2023 00:12
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