(Thread IKs:
Josherino)
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Uncle Boogeyman posted:plus hitting small goals is just satisfying. i've recently taken up painting, something i'm not particularly good at, and which frankly i don't think i'm ever going to be that good at. but each painting feels like an accomplishment, even the ones that i finish and immediately look at and go "well that's not very good." 
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Apr 13, 2023 22:34
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Uncle Boogeyman posted:Both ways, i suppose, of acknowledging that life is about the process, not the product. That is definitely one of the things I have struggled with trying to convince myself for quite sometime. I am sure that if I manage to make myself believe it, most of my problems will vanish. I guess that's a goal.
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Apr 13, 2023 22:37
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I'm also feeling super mad because I got off the phone after a 90-minute long phone convo with my mom that started with her sending me an article about the "dangers of wokism" that devolved into a huge fight where she just rambled on some barely coherent nonsense after I tried patiently explaining to her the dangers of clearly inflammatory and hateful rhetoric and after a long time of her not budging I just started yelling that I didn't care about any of those issues and that the world has much bigger problems like climate change or war. She then said "at least these are problems we can do something about" to which I responded "they are still irrelevant. why waste the effort? Embrace and accept the powerlessness" By the end, I'm pretty sure we each thought the other was insane. My mom finally sent me a text saying "I won't send you any more stuff. Don't worry about me. I'm ok. I love you very much". I replied "love you too" but was left super worried. Why is it that I care so much about someone so dumb, narcissistic, unrespecting of my neutral* rear end views and always convinced she is always right? Why can't I know someone who shares my opinions yet doesn't require me to join some cause or group? My few friends don't mind if I don't talk to them for months at a time. I don't require other people's physical presence. Why do they require mine? * I am consistently terrified how my views of "respect others and show empathy" are more and more being considered "radical leftist". AceOfFlames has issued a correction as of 23:11 on Apr 13, 2023 |
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Apr 13, 2023 23:01
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AceOfFlames posted:That is definitely one of the things I have struggled with trying to convince myself for quite sometime. I am sure that if I manage to make myself believe it, most of my problems will vanish. I guess that's a goal. Speaking as someone who's only sorta kinda starting to be okay with it, you do really have to just consciously commit to it- perhaps just for a few minutes each day at first. It helped me both to think of myself as part of something larger, and accept that I can't actually know how everything will turn out. I will say that it kinda felt when your fever breaks and you just feel a huge surge of relief before remembering you're still pretty creaky and tired and probably still need to take the day off E: oh and also focusing on either the immediate situation or extremely short term goals StashAugustine has issued a correction as of 23:07 on Apr 13, 2023 |
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Apr 13, 2023 23:04
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If a parent decides to send you the "Dangers of Wokism", whatever the gently caress that means, or the latest from Jordan Peterson, it's fine to send your parents a PDF of Das Kapital for laughs. Also if someone calls you a radical leftist, they have no idea what that actually means and are just using it to scold and other you. Ice Phisherman has issued a correction as of 23:23 on Apr 13, 2023 |
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Apr 13, 2023 23:20
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Ice Phisherman posted:If a parent decides to send you the "Dangers of Wokism", whatever the gently caress that means, or the latest from Jordan Peterson, it's fine to send your parents a PDF of Das Kapital for laughs. The most irritating part of that conversation is that I was trying to show how the concept was meaningless by trying to get her to define it. She said she didn't know and praised the writer's tactic of "getting attention" for using such a strange word and proceeded to basically explain clickbait to me as if I didn't know. Later in the same conversation, she berated me for fact-checking my sibling's claims about mortgages in this country on Reddit, claiming that all the people I was talking to were likely criminals. I can't win. I know I can't win and yet still try. EDIT: Hilariously, a few weeks ago she also sent me an article to warn me about "this psychopath named Andrew Tate". I responded by telling her about his arrest via pizza box and his stupid as gently caress prison tweets about him "honing his dragon fist" and seeing a ghost and we both laughed over it. Wish more of our convos were like this. AceOfFlames has issued a correction as of 23:48 on Apr 13, 2023 |
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Apr 13, 2023 23:45
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Having abstract goals makes it much easier to just...tolerate the day. I found exercise goals to be the best, though my more recent one has been learning Chinese. An important thing to keep in mind is that you don't have to save everything. You're one person. "Either the world is saved, or everything I did was pointless" is just putting yourself at totally the wrong scale. You're one person, having a nice time and being nice to the people around you is plenty good. Ice Phisherman posted:Also if someone calls you a radical leftist, they have no idea what that actually means and are just using it to scold and other you. You...you think I'm rad? Thank you...
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Apr 13, 2023 23:51
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I think it's better to go absolutely insane trying to fix your mom than do the laundry though
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Apr 14, 2023 11:44
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Jorge Bell posted:I think it's better to go absolutely insane trying to fix your mom than do the laundry though Point taken Edit: my mom is now inviting me to come over next month. I can't help but wonder if they will try to have me institutionalized. AceOfFlames has issued a correction as of 11:51 on Apr 14, 2023 |
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Apr 14, 2023 11:47
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AceOfFlames posted:Point taken Stick your finger in your dads rear end and see how he reacts 
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Apr 14, 2023 12:59
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My dad was an over the road trucker and thus exposed to a lot of right wing media and people. He died in may of 2017. We used to have big arguments about politics until we realized neither of us would change the other’s mind so we stuck to safe topics like fart jokes. I do wonder about how much worse he would have gotten if he hadn’t had that massive heart attack. I remember him going from disliking Trump and thinking he was an idiot to “he says some good stuff sometimes” to voting for him in the Texas primary and then general election and getting a trump bumper sticker. Every other conservative that I knew before Trump has just gone completely off the deep end since 2016 and is now basically impossible to have a normal conversation with.
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Apr 14, 2023 16:13
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Balancing atop Maslow’s Pyramid of Needs Finger snug in dad
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Apr 14, 2023 18:45
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Almost everything in my life has fallen apart and I have no reason or means to put things back together or find new paths. My therapist stopped practicing, and there was a situation with insurance and the counseling group that left me suddenly without a replacement. They handled it poorly, not keeping me informed, just blaming insurance (I don't doubt they're to blame) and not taking responsibility or even telling me what actually happened until I raised a stink and quit entirely. I was "that guy" about it, I couldn't help myself, rather than be reasonable about it, show understanding, let the situation unfold, or just leave without sending ridiculous emails telling them to just leave me the gently caress alone. I immediately called around for a new therapist and am meeting with someone in a couple weeks, but am at a point where I don't know how to get through life. I'm very underemployed and my money situation is taking a nosedive, but I can't bring myself to try to do anything for myself. Normally I would be able to work on a creative pursuit with the time I have, or take care of some practical things or something but instead I just want to lay in bed and get hosed up. I carry a lot of trauma and it feels like nothing can fix it, I'll never heal from it, and my life is just a big slow collapse, and instead of torturing myself with false hopes I should just lean into it. My girlfriend and our cat are probably the only parts of my life making me feel any accountability, and I just feel sorry for them for having to deal with me. Guess I'm just shouting through the void here.
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Apr 15, 2023 11:07
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Your situation sounds lovely ricecult, but one thing I noticed in your post was that you characterized yourself as "that guy" that presumably quits in a huff. That seems like kind of a borked feeling for something that would anger and frustrate any reasonable person. You are allowed to be angry at your resources getting taken away. I'm not suggesting that you yell at random people on the phone about it, but anger is a perfectly apt reaction to being in a tough situation outside of your control! The other parts of your post sound like pretty textbook depression and/or ptsd. You should definitely do what you need to get through whatever acute periods you deal with, but make sure you're communicating what's going on with somebody that can be a support structure for you, even if it's your cat (or girlfriend). Jorge Bell has issued a correction as of 13:28 on Apr 16, 2023 |
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Apr 15, 2023 21:51
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Right when I am doing somewhat better my mom calls and starts giving me a speech unprovoked about how my recent concerns about the Norwegian kroner dropping and me losing the value of my savings are all unfounded and how moving here was the best choice blah blah blah and since I am not in the habit of lying to make her feel better I start coming up with logical counterarguments and she starts screaming about how I am always so negative, and how I have no reason to be unhappy, and how the economy and the climate will only affect THOSE people and everything will be fine because she KNOWS how the world works and has apparently ALWAYS and forever WILL work. I know I am not positive but I am not irrational. Even that aside, it's not even enough for me to stay quiet? I have to be happy all the time, and make lots of friends (even though neither of my parents have any friends) and have a relationship, all so THEY can feel better about themselves. Classic toxic positivity. And I am terrified of getting a peer group because I fear it's more of this. People calling me insane and stupid forever. And since they are strangers they can potentially ruin my life.
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Apr 16, 2023 18:09
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AceOfFlames posted:Right when I am doing somewhat better my mom calls and starts giving me a speech unprovoked about how my recent concerns about the Norwegian kroner dropping and me losing the value of my savings are all unfounded and how moving here was the best choice blah blah blah and since I am not in the habit of lying to make her feel better I start coming up with logical counterarguments and she starts screaming about how I am always so negative, and how I have no reason to be unhappy, and how the economy and the climate will only affect THOSE people and everything will be fine because she KNOWS how the world works and has apparently ALWAYS and forever WILL work. So the good news about making new friends and making a new peer group is that, unlike your parents, you can loving ditch them. You can just hit the fuckin bricks. If they suck you can walk away. They don't actually have the power to keep coming back into your life. In theory your parents don't either but I understand the practical reality of the emotional and psychological attachments that form over decades. But with somebody you've only known for a few weeks? No big deal! And this is, again, a potential positive. Its part of why its valuable to have a wide range of social ties, not just strong ones or weak ones, but having a full spectrum. I have a really good friend and we've both said in full sincerity that a benefit of our relationship is that both of us know that, push comes to shove, we can walk away. This makes it easier to tell some really vulnerable things to each other, because the consequences of being over-vulnerable are mitigated considerably by the fact that, again, we can both survive the total death of the friendship in a way that we can't with e.g. our parents.
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Apr 16, 2023 18:52
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Not sure if my anxiety is coming back or if eating Popeyes for lunch and sausage and beans for dinner just hosed up my stomach a bit
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Apr 17, 2023 02:02
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AceOfFlames posted:And since they are strangers they can potentially ruin my life. ??? Tell me how you would walk yourself back from this absolutely bonkers idea please.
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Apr 17, 2023 03:41
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Jorge Bell posted:??? Tell me how you would walk yourself back from this absolutely bonkers idea please. Not use me as a reference for a job because they think I am irresponsible (that has happened to me). Call for a wellness check if they think there's something wrong with me. At all times I feel like my comfortable life is teetering at the edge of the abyss. It's pretty much always spent trying to not make it worse. EDIT: Oh, you mean how I would WALK BACK from this idea. I mean, when I remember to do so I keep telling myself "People don't care as much about you as you think. This is the most terrible and the most wonderful thing". Got any better alternatives?
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Apr 17, 2023 17:11
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Man I'm kinda happy that Bumble limits the number of people you can swipe because thinking about how anyone I want to swipe right on don't seem like they'd be interested in me (and proceed to not say anything whenever we match) is pretty brutal. I need to have my sister help me improve my account, but honestly it just feels like not a lot of gals are going to be interested (which I guess is sorta the norm for dating apps), especially since I just don't have any real social skills or or common interests that would actually have someone wanting to go on a date, much less have a relationship with me. I figure that's just pessimism and negative brain meats talking. You can recognize a problem but doing something about it is a whole different thing. Seems like I only really get more of them as time goes on, without any willingness to solve any. That this feels like just whining is hopefully just another misunderstanding due to negative mood and not just being a non-hacker.
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Apr 17, 2023 23:13
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AceOfFlames posted:EDIT: Oh, you mean how I would WALK BACK from this idea. I mean, when I remember to do so I keep telling myself "People don't care as much about you as you think. This is the most terrible and the most wonderful thing". Got any better alternatives? That is a start, do you also realize how "[this stranger] might not use me as a reference for a job" or "[they might] Call for a wellness check" are not "potentially ruining [your] life"? I originally read "peer group" as a therapy group so this sounded even weirder but I'm only now realizing that you meant having friends. This would be a really great thing to bring up with your therapist, Ace! thechosenone posted:Bumble Dating apps can suck for sure but don't forget that it's not purely on you, their entire business model revolves around withholding matches until you drop money and although I don't know specifics, the incentive structure for the company is definitely to do exactly that. Jorge Bell has issued a correction as of 00:09 on Apr 18, 2023 |
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Apr 17, 2023 23:45
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Even if you do give the dating apps money dating on line still sucks rear end. I have never gone on a date with anyone from OKC or Tinder, but I have hosed a lot from Grindr. YMMV.
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Apr 18, 2023 00:36
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Yeah I'm thinking this is another thing (like basically everything) that would be a lot better with a centrally planned not profit management system.
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Apr 18, 2023 00:38
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matchmaking.gov -or, if you are a nice boy- yente.il
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Apr 18, 2023 01:37
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None of your problems matter, ya'll gonna die. Here's a good one, before or when you die, your kids may search through all your files. Good day goons. (USER WAS PUT ON PROBATION FOR THIS POST) (USER WAS PUT ON PROBATION FOR THIS POST) (USER WAS BANNED FOR THIS POST)
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Apr 18, 2023 04:40
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zaurg posted:None of your problems matter, ya'll gonna die. Hey dude I'm gonna probe you for a bit please don't come back
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Apr 18, 2023 05:05
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NeatHeteroDude posted:Hey dude I'm gonna probe you for a bit please don't come back Just request a perma for him. he's loving Zaurg. It's time for us to be rid of BFC's former Pet Forums Idiot
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Apr 18, 2023 06:23
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Gulping Again posted:Just request a perma for him. he's loving Zaurg. I can work towards that
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Apr 18, 2023 06:26
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NeatHeteroDude posted:I can work towards that If we can get rid of freeasinbeer, iron crowned, and delphisage i see no reason to continue tolerating a dude who has been long since forumbanned from the only place that ever derived any level of enjoyment from his flailing idiotic posting
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Apr 18, 2023 06:28
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*looks around nervously*
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Apr 18, 2023 14:09
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Gulping Again posted:If we can get rid of freeasinbeer, iron crowned, and delphisage i see no reason to continue tolerating a dude who has been long since forumbanned from the only place that ever derived any level of enjoyment from his flailing idiotic posting He was recently rehabilitated in BFC.
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Apr 18, 2023 14:41
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plz no
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Apr 18, 2023 14:44
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just swooping in to offer abusive parent advice to complete strangers with no context
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Apr 18, 2023 14:50
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For my own mental health problems, TW weight and body image discussion: So in 2021 I lost 75 lbs. Went from a BMI of 32 to a BMI of 20, fully from obese to average. The thing is that I was not especially motivated by health. My motivation was always vanity. Honestly I largely carried the weight well, I mostly just was kind of paunchy looking, but I wanted that kind of basic man-shape of "shoulders wider than chest wider than waist." Not really going for like a six pack or anything, just at least not having a gross paunch. And I'd say that was a total failure. I honestly don't think I look very different. I had to buy new clothes cuz I went from like a 45 waist to a 32 waist, but just sincerely I look in the mirror and it doesn't seem that different. When I see old photos I only really notice that my hair/facial hair is a lot better now. Still have a big ol paunch. Anyway, the last couple weeks I've been kind of struggling with keeping up on exercise and eating right (honestly just in general I've been undisciplined about everything in my life), and I've gained 10 lbs. And this I've noticed, I feel like I look horribly bloated. I usually try to avoid mirrors but I share an apartment and I don't think its my place to ask that we take down the bathroom mirrors, but I made the mistake of looking in one the other day and jeeze that just tanked me. And as anybody whose done this knows, feeling horrible about yourself makes it harder, not easier, to be disciplined. This is definitely largely psychological and people have pointed it out to me before, for years, that how I see myself at a very basic, physical level is not how others see me. Its frustrating, and the suggestions I get tend to be things that make me incredibly anxious just to think about, since they largely amount to exposure therapy. I'd rather just try and avoid thinking about it. thechosenone posted:Yeah I'm thinking this is another thing (like basically everything) that would be a lot better with a centrally planned not profit management system. Speaking as somebody who works in a centrally planned not profit management system (government welfare), I am fully confident we could make it even worse. It would place you fully at the whims of a bunch of bitter boomers who only engage with the work seriously when it gives them the chance to impose their conspiracy theories on people who lack the option to walk away. thechosenone posted:especially since I just don't have any real social skills or or common interests that would actually have someone wanting to go on a date, much less have a relationship with me. So I think yes you've basically diagnosed the core issue here. Call me an optimist (about other people), but I've never met a boring person. And social skills, in this context, aren't like a simple linear "better vs worse." There is better vs worse if we're talking about like, corporate networking sure, because that's a fairly homogeneous culture that explicitly rewards specific behaviors, but interpersonal chemistry is very weird and chaotic. Probably the most successful person I know at picking up chicks is a very autistic lesbian whose flirting technique mostly consists of infodumping and randomly stammering out "you're hot" before going back to ranting about rocks. By classic measures this is horrible social skills, but measured by results she's killing it. Which is all to say that, to the best of my knowledge you aren't doing anything wrong nor are you undeserving of affection. Just being a person is not a wrong thing to do, and all of us are equally deserving of respect and affection. That said, appearing attractive in OLD is a technical skill, it can be improved, nobody is natively good at it though some luck into good techniques early on. There are even some very disturbing analysts out there who suss out the bizarre ways in which the algorithms work on those sites, which reward specific behaviors. Talk to your sister, or even a totally outside consultant. There's a thread on SA and entire subreddits devoted to these questions.
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Apr 18, 2023 16:25
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thechosenone posted:Man I'm kinda happy that Bumble limits the number of people you can swipe because thinking about how anyone I want to swipe right on don't seem like they'd be interested in me (and proceed to not say anything whenever we match) is pretty brutal. I need to have my sister help me improve my account, but honestly it just feels like not a lot of gals are going to be interested (which I guess is sorta the norm for dating apps), especially since I just don't have any real social skills or or common interests that would actually have someone wanting to go on a date, much less have a relationship with me. dont put that much stock into it op, they're bullshit even if you're incredibly handsome and intelligent and radiate attractive energy like myself. take what you can/will and ditch the rest, it's literally not worth thinking about
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Apr 18, 2023 17:01
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Yet another call from my mom (I'm pretty sure she ramped up to calling every day again) doing nothing but giving me orders. "Did you already buy the plane tickets to come here on holiday? if you don't want to come, I can come over there!" (no I did not) "Did you call the maid so she can start cleaning over there?" (No I did not) "Are you working ? Or are you just pretending? They can tell if you just pretend! (I say yes but really no because right now my project is in a weird state) What gets to me is that I have no counter argument. I can't even say I have my own life because I don't. And no matter what I do there's always more things to be bossed around by. My mom even seems PROUD when I tell her she's more micromanaging than any boss I ever had! ARRRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHH
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Apr 18, 2023 20:12
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thechosenone posted:Man I'm kinda happy that Bumble limits the number of people you can swipe because thinking about how anyone I want to swipe right on don't seem like they'd be interested in me (and proceed to not say anything whenever we match) is pretty brutal. I need to have my sister help me improve my account, but honestly it just feels like not a lot of gals are going to be interested (which I guess is sorta the norm for dating apps), especially since I just don't have any real social skills or or common interests that would actually have someone wanting to go on a date, much less have a relationship with me. I mean is it really your social skills when you can't even get a word in edgewise with anybody on the app in the first place? Also last time I checked dating/relationships was supposed to be a mutual effort instead of expecting one side to post something magnificently entertaining and insightful from 2 lines in a profile on the first message, without also being too tryhard and creepy, while receiving no feedback either way.
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Apr 18, 2023 20:19
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AceOfFlames posted:Yet another call from my mom (I'm pretty sure she ramped up to calling every day again) doing nothing but giving me orders. My man, cutting contact with toxic people rules. Some people who are toxic you might have to work with, like a coworker or boss or something. But for a parent? They're generally far away, have no more control over you and you and she are older now, which means she can't just scream at you or beat your rear end like poo poo parents do to their children. You can dictate when you talk to her. You can dictate when you pick up the phone for her, if ever. You can't dictate if she tries to visit, but you can dictate if she enters your house. You can just say no and slam the door in her face. You can literally say, "Hey, I find x, y and z behaviors to be completely unacceptable. If you don't cut this poo poo I'm not going to talk to you for a few months." And when she flips her poo poo, because I have a suspicion that she would, follow through and just don't pick up the phone or let her visit. Rinse and repeat until she learns. And if she doesn't learn, don't contact her. You set the standard for what is acceptable in your life, not her. She's living rent free in your head. Evict her rear end if she's making you miserable. Ice Phisherman has issued a correction as of 20:46 on Apr 18, 2023 |
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Apr 18, 2023 20:31
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Yeah I've kinda been considering actually trying to look for dating if my mood keeps relatively stable but given that I basically have a panic attack looking at a resume I don't think OLD is right for me
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Apr 18, 2023 20:44
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I told my grandma if she continues asking when I was getting married and having kids I would stop calling her. One of the best things I’ve done, I’m STILL sure I don’t want kids just like I was years ago when I did this.
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Apr 18, 2023 21:21
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