(Thread IKs:
Josherino)
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Great boundary setting!
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Apr 18, 2023 21:43
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Yeah, if you threaten to cut contact for bad behavior, you actually have to follow through. You can set a time where you'll call them later to see if they've modified their behavior at all. It doesn't have to be permanent. Especially if family is important to you, setting a time weeks or months in the future where you'll call them is easier to handle than cutting contact permanently. Sometimes boundaries can create permanent change in behavior and you can start having a non-poo poo relationship with your family. Sometimes boundaries stop the bad behavior for a while before launching the family member launches back into their old bad habits. Sometimes boundaries don't stop family at all, in which case you withdraw your presence from their life. It really depends on if they want a relationship on your terms or if they want to ignore you and attempt to bully their way through. If they ignore your boundaries, enforce them with cut contact. Ice Phisherman has issued a correction as of 21:49 on Apr 18, 2023 |
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Apr 18, 2023 21:46
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this may sounds too transactional but I generally think there must be some sort of reciprocity in a relationship of any sort. if I am giving up a lot, or being made to feel uncomfortable or less than constantly, what am I getting out of it? maybe it’s a lovely boss but I can keep a roof over my head. if it’s a bunch of stress then might be time to drop it. if I have to be on this earth I may as well as enjoy it or drive towards getting closer to enjoying it
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Apr 18, 2023 22:31
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making an online profile is hard. you try to think of something positive to say about yourself and nothing comes to mind. people tell me i have a lot of positive qualities, gifts etc. but i don't know what they are. i could guess, but idk. it's like i can't believe it. i feel nothing about them but hate. i hate talking about myself positively. i hate hearing positive things said about me. this anger or whatever it is are bad qualities about me that feel like not-ready-to-date stuff, so you just give up and close the app
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Apr 18, 2023 22:33
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protip to all goons trying OLD but getting intimidated: just shitpost on it. have fun, it's some of the dumbest poo poo imaginable and that anyone takes it particularly serious is poor form on all involved. make a joke profile, fill it with one good selfie and a bunch of memes, whatever -- being vaguely interesting and outside some generic bounds of acceptable/normal/"optimized" will get you further than staring at the loading screen at least
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Apr 18, 2023 23:20
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Tulip posted:For my own mental health problems, TW weight and body image discussion: Regarding body dysmorphia, I felt the same way after I lost 40 pounds. I still looked like a lumpy sack of crap, just a smaller one. Much of the weight came back. What helped was weightlifting and boxing. I may look gross but at least I’m stronk. Somewhat more seriously, the fat around my core moved around my body and my proportions improved. Still could probably drop a few pounds. So yeah, consider lifting.
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Apr 19, 2023 02:41
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ProperGanderPusher posted:Regarding body dysmorphia, I felt the same way after I lost 40 pounds. I still looked like a lumpy sack of crap, just a smaller one. Much of the weight came back. Or running! I used to hate running. High school classes for running were just miserable exercises in futility because we only spent one day running and they didn't teach us anything about running. Also I had no idea how to strike the ground with my foot. My stride made my feet and knees hurt. Once I figured out my stride, bought some new shoes and a good running program (couch to 5k) I went from being unable to run for even a tenth of a mile at a time to being able to run a 5k. Granted, it was the slowest 5k ever. I did between a 12 and 15 minute mile and that's about 40-45 minutes for a 5k. But I did it. And I worked on reducing time later. If you want to lose weight, cardio is fantastic for reliably losing it. At least so long as you cut calories as well. You can't outrun your spoon.
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Apr 19, 2023 03:33
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I actually love running and got a 6k in today. Its always a bit of a struggle to get dressed and out the door, I always am like "no I need to finish this article/watch this video/cook something/one more turn" and then once I get up to like 2km I'm like "goddamn this rules I wish I had more time to run more." I think actually my best post on SA is about running (specifically, running while wearing masks to avoid COVID). The problem is def a problem of feelings rather than facts here. In general fitness (I've been doing both running and bodyweight lifts, plus some yoga) is helpful in that I can just point to numbers and that kind of defeats my perception. But there's also an underlying desire to like, not look like poo poo, not be strong or have external validation, but to feel OK and not jump-scare myself when I walk past mirrors.
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Apr 19, 2023 05:32
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I'm loving melting down in a bathroom. My boss has been making all sorts of statements that i can't help but feel are aimed at my lack of productivity. Help help help help Dunno if i should confess apologize, or what. My therapist keeps telling me "no feedback is good feedback" I hate getting distracted by my phone, by websites, by staring at the code, by anything that makes me not ask people for help AceOfFlames has issued a correction as of 14:36 on Apr 19, 2023 |
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Apr 19, 2023 14:34
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Why the gently caress can't any of the mental health specialists figure out what's wrong with me? "Oh you're just disorganized". "This checklist says you're only mildly depressed" "You can't have ADHD, you did well at school" "Don't you thinky you should be more understanding of your mother?" "Exercise more! Go for walks!". How about you MAKE ME NORMAL FIRST.
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Apr 19, 2023 14:39
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And the kicker is that it's possible my mom knew the whole time there was something wrong with me and never told me. Likely an autism diagnosis. One of my relatives pointed out she took me to a lot of specialists when i was younger, abruptly stopped and then started dismissing them all as cranks. Like she was told something she didn't want to hear. And now she spends the whole time bossing me around to take credit for being a productive member of society. I hat this. I hate everything
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Apr 19, 2023 14:43
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AceOfFlames posted:I'm loving melting down in a bathroom. My boss has been making all sorts of statements that i can't help but feel are aimed at my lack of productivity. Help help help help I shall not fear. Fear is the mind killer... I'd almost certainly not bring it up right now if this is how you're feeling. Even if you do want to have that talk, better to wait a day or so until you're in a bit better head space
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Apr 19, 2023 14:44
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AceOfFlames posted:Why the gently caress can't any of the mental health specialists figure out what's wrong with me? "Oh you're just disorganized". "This checklist says you're only mildly depressed" "You can't have ADHD, you did well at school" "Don't you thinky you should be more understanding of your mother?" "Exercise more! Go for walks!". How about you MAKE ME NORMAL FIRST. I know this is probably not what you want to hear, but you are the one that has to put in the work with getting better. Professionals are there and a nice resource, which a lot of people would love to have, but at the end of the day you have to make yourself better. I'm reminded of this study I heard about how there's a lot more actual benefit if you're looking at how people actually feel about themselves after different types of things. The conclusion was that people received a massively larger improvement in the depression / mental woes from things like sleeping, eating regularly and healthily, and exercising regularly than from even the most "effective" pharmaceutical intervention or talk therapy etc. I think a lot of that comes down to the fact that those are things YOU have to DO and continue to WORK at, rather than waiting for a pill to work. I get a good amount of benefit from Wellbutrin, I definitely wouldn't go off it unless I had a better alternative, but in terms of what's kept me from spiraling out of control being conscious about not sitting around and not letting myself not eat/eat bad has been immensely more helpful. There's something good about having a goal, and getting that done, and whether or not anyone acknowledges or cares about or even gets told about, it's still something that you can use to point to when the thoughts get bleak and you start to try to convince yourself you can't do things. That's when you can say to yourself "actually, I wanted to do X, and I did X, so that's not completely true about what my bad side of my brain is telling me" and that being true, makes you have something to hold onto no matter how lovely your brain is trying to make you feel. It's immensely helpful and a big change from just kinda letting things happen. Hope that helps and doesnt come off too preachy Ace, but I've had similar feelings before and that's what I wish I could have told my past self.
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Apr 19, 2023 16:12
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i get what you're saying but I hear other people talk about therapy teaching them coping strategies, or tools to make themselves do things. My therapists inevitably devolve into just listening to me talk. A lot of the times it's like they are waiting for ME to say what I want from them. Aren't they the doctors? (USER WAS PUT ON PROBATION FOR THIS POST)
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Apr 19, 2023 16:21
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My post was more about doing things for yourself, making you better. If those things that you do are at the suggestion of a therapist, great, but at the end of the day it's still YOU that's got to do things, whether they are suggested to you by someone in the medical field or not. Hell even physical therapy /rehab stuff, it's still on you to make your body make the effort. Same goes for mental things if not more so. Be grateful you have a therapist to bounce ideas off, but don't expect them to 'fix' everything.
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Apr 19, 2023 16:50
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AceOfFlames posted:i get what you're saying but I hear other people talk about therapy teaching them coping strategies, or tools to make themselves do things. My therapists inevitably devolve into just listening to me talk. A lot of the times it's like they are waiting for ME to say what I want from them. Aren't they the doctors? what have your therapists/doctors said when you've asked about things like coping strategies or tools that they can help with?
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Apr 19, 2023 17:31
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I'll give you a very small coping strategy that my therapist gave me for panic symptoms that has helped a lot, which is 5-4-3-2-1 grounding. In your head, to yourself, list, based on your exact current environment and sensations 5 things you can see 4 things you can feel 3 things you can hear 2 things you can smell 1 thing you can taste For example, right now I can see my jumprope, some flowers, a bag of rice, the post I'm writing, and the chalkboard with my chores on it. I can feel my linen pants, my keyboard, the shea butter I just put on my hands, the humidity in the air. I can hear my air conditioner, some boiling water, and my neighbor walking. I can smell the rice I'm cooking and the lavender oil in my beard. I can taste the salt in my mouth from the peanuts I ate a few minutes ago. I could try to describe what this does to your brain but to be honest I think its better to just try it a few times and just allow yourself to be open to the effects without being prescriptive about what you should feel.
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Apr 19, 2023 19:43
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One thing that's been helpful to remember in general is that when I'm panicking about something, I'm usually not actually making it better. That 54321 excerise is helpful, as is anything that forces you to stop and focus on something else.
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Apr 19, 2023 19:54
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I don't want to go out on a limb, but I think in this regards everyone is both right and wrong. Right in that it is ultimately up to you to heal, and the only way you're going to be able to do that is building up whatever energizes you, makes you feel better even in what may be or seem to be superficial/bandaid ways, and gives your mind and body the resources they need. These are not the actual things that will heal you though, and you're right Ace to speak up in your opinion that it won't. I will be honest, I haven't read many of your posts (I'm in and out of this thread, it's nothing personal), so I don't know all the details of your situation, but it sounds like you're very stuck in your life situation, and your outlook is very enmeshed in that, and no one seems to be offering you an alternative, whether that's through therapy, or just people around you acting in ways that might make you see something else in them, yourself, or life in general. I hope that people in this thread do, but again, I don't follow enough to say either way, and regardless, people on the internet are never going to substitute what you're looking for in your self and life. I've had similar experiences with therapists, and it feels lovely because it's like they've written you off, they've decided that you won't listen to or understand them so they won't try, and they've gone into a "support" role of being a person you can complain to. Any time I've noticed this happening, it's been unfounded, demeaning, and really hurtful. I don't think therapy is good and at worst neutral, I think therapy has potential to be very harmful. I don't think that's a reason not to try to find the good stuff, but if you feel like you're wasting your time and it's another place where you are just being misunderstood, I think it makes sense to get out of it, it is not worth it to hurt yourself further. (To be clear, that hurt is different from growing pains that come from good therapy). Again sorry if I'm jumping in without all the facts, and I think I'm probably projecting my own stuff because it's something I relate to very much, if I'm understanding Ace correctly. I think everyone here is well intentioned and not even wrong, but there's this other element of trying to make sense of, and meaning out of, one's struggles and pain, that if it's not there, doing even the small things can be impossible, and the recommendation to do them can't be received as anything but ill informed or condescending. Unfortunately it comes down to a catch 22, as has been noted, because if you don't do one side of the equation, the other isn't possible. Sorry to jut in to throw my own very mentally ill brain runoff into the soup, but it's something I struggle with a lot.
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Apr 19, 2023 20:59
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I would caution against engaging earnestly with AceOfFlames they've been posting like that for years. Complain, advice is offered, loudly reject advice, resume complaints, probe, repeat.
Marx Headroom has issued a correction as of 21:19 on Apr 19, 2023 |
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Apr 19, 2023 21:16
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I want this thread to be open to as many people as possible. If you're going to howl into the void every now and then, this is the place to do it. It's certainly helped me. Please keep in mind that this is a community. Be respectful to those around you. This includes taking their input seriously. There'll be shitposts, and input that isn't helpful. It's OK to brush that off. That's the just the nature of things. Consistently dismissing everyone's feedback is an issue, though. I don't want to set any hard-and-fast rules about doomposting. I know it's subjective. It's normal to catastrophize. There are plenty of real catastrophes to focus on, too. If you want to vent about bad poo poo, go ahead. You can get some validation for it here. However, repeated posts going straight to the worst-case scenario are detrimental to everyone involved. Again, respecting others and taking feedback seriously should provide a guideline. Also, if you have a lot to say in a short time, please edit your thoughts into an existing post. Thanks, everyone. I've seen a lot of empathy, support and understanding going around. I know I'm not the only one who appreciates it.
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Apr 19, 2023 21:26
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I had kind of an interesting session with my therapist yesterday. For most of the time we've been talking I've been suffering from serious anxiety and so it feels like most of our sessions were sorta in triage mode- which was helpful and we usually managed to zoom in on something useful to think about or work on. But I've been pretty successful over the past two weeks at dealing with that anxiety, and so it feels like we need to refocus on what we're talking about. I'm still not super happy with where I am right now- still feel like I'm inadequate socially, at work, and tbh in general; and while I've been able to repulse the dangerous anxiety by just focusing on where I am now and trusting that it can get better, the fear is still out there. I'm just not really sure how the sessions are going to play out in the future
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Apr 19, 2023 22:49
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Thanks for sharing Stash, it seems like you've been progressing towards being in a better spot for a while, glad the most acute anxiety stuff is mostly in your rear window!
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Apr 20, 2023 00:51
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half an hour until a consult to discuss anxiety, and I am feeling anxious 
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Apr 20, 2023 17:16
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Bilirubin posted:half an hour until a consult to discuss anxiety, and I am feeling anxious oh god what if i'm not anxious enough during my anxiety consult
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Apr 20, 2023 17:42
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Tungsten posted:oh god what if i'm not anxious enough during my anxiety consult its turtles all the way down turtles with anxiety but seriously, your comment strikes home. Like I'm telling myself I'm not seriously affected and am taking resources away from someone who REALLY needs them. Its pernicious
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Apr 20, 2023 17:44
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Bilirubin posted:its turtles all the way down maybe improving your sanity improves the sanity of people around you, so it's at least prosocial either way?
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Apr 20, 2023 17:47
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Tungsten posted:oh god what if i'm not anxious enough during my anxiety consult thread title please
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Apr 20, 2023 20:17
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My therapist both recommended I get screened for adhd and also set up the appointment for me. Lmao. Maybe I'm not depressed but am instead very forgetful. Would be funny!
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Apr 21, 2023 08:31
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Bilirubin posted:half an hour until a consult to discuss anxiety, and I am feeling anxious  i don't recommend ativan though but ymmv
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Apr 22, 2023 06:42
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Speaking of diagnosis I finally have an official High Functioning Autism diagnosis. It feels oddly freeing in a way? Like now I can find ways to adapt and that it's not necessarily my fault?
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Apr 22, 2023 08:41
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Yeah. Granted for me it was scaling it down from high functioning to moderate functioning (i.e. I can pay bills and take care of myself or work but not both at the same time). High functioning diag got me pushed into rehabilitative services and then slammed into a bunch of jobs I could not perform longer than a few months without getting overwhelmed. Turns out "fake it until you make it" never comes when it comes to severe enough autism people trying to fake neuro-typicality. Now that I've got an official thing saying I can't work in any context due to the anxiety-depression-autism-self-harm loop spinning up again, I was finally able to let go of the lovely american/capitalist/mentality-of-scarcity idea that a human's worth is based on their economic productivity. Now to get social security to stop doing "you are partially but not fully disabled" denials, I'm still waiting on that judge's hearing that's supposed to come in twelve to eighteen months. 
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Apr 22, 2023 13:45
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AceOfFlames posted:Speaking of diagnosis I finally have an official High Functioning Autism diagnosis. It feels oddly freeing in a way? Like now I can find ways to adapt and that it's not necessarily my fault? That's good to hear! I really hope having the appropriate diagnosis helps. I went through a similar feeling when I got my bipolar diagnosis then my adhd diagnosis. Ronwayne posted:Yeah. Granted for me it was scaling it down from high functioning to moderate functioning (i.e. I can pay bills and take care of myself or work but not both at the same time). High functioning diag got me pushed into rehabilitative services and then slammed into a bunch of jobs I could not perform longer than a few months without getting overwhelmed. Turns out "fake it until you make it" never comes when it comes to severe enough autism people trying to fake neuro-typicality. I don't remember if you shared about that diagnosis or not. Sounds like a weight off mentally/morally, but what a crock of poo poo that they're still making you wait. --------------------- I received my certificate for taking the peer support specialist class. Time to schedule the test. I've also been looking at special training to help people with mental health and/or addiction issues get SSI or SSDI, through SAMHSA. It's supposed to be an accelerated way to get people these benefits if they're homeless or at risk of homelessness. Most people I know who are on those programs had at least a 2 year wait between initiating the process and finally getting their benefits (if they even received them...). I probably need to move or work remotely if I'm going to do peer support as a primary source of income. I've met with providers and bureaucrats from many of the local mental health or homelessness outreach organizations in my area, and I've heard them say all kinds of awful poo poo. This area is fairly conservative, and it sounds like things may be better elsewhere. I still worry if I'm stable enough to handle it, but I've been working on boundaries and I think things will be better if I can find an organization that actually supports me. I also have a great support system in my support group. It's on zoom, so I can take it with me, too. When I had my meltdown last year, a huge part of it was that my previous support group had stopped being a safe space. I had all of you though!
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Apr 22, 2023 15:27
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Uganda Loves Me posted:That's good to hear! I really hope having the appropriate diagnosis helps. I went through a similar feeling when I got my bipolar diagnosis then my adhd diagnosis. Yeah, I started calling it my grad degree when I applied for disability...4 years later its become post-grad. And I hope the new opportunity works out. Its extremely handy to have this space to share. This may be completely anecdotal, but I've started seeing a lot of older grouchier chuds start to come around on mental health care after seeing their kids ground down and spit out (I suppose the recent plauge might also have affected it). Fortunately, not ALL of them are the "work harder you lazy crybaby" types when they see their own kid hurting.
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Apr 22, 2023 15:38
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nm
biceps crimes has issued a correction as of 19:00 on Apr 22, 2023 |
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Apr 22, 2023 17:45
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Facing some medical issues and have to set an appt. with a specialist on monday but without insurance. Things are really not great. It's like.. I know to take it one step at a time but I feel like i'm in a pit of doom. and just have this heavy breathing panicky feeling in the meantime. Head full of all the possibilites of the things that could go wrong and of the money it will all cost. There's some terror and a lot of shame. It's a lot. Thanks for listening.
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Apr 23, 2023 06:34
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In the terror world we call this feeling "anxiety" and both talk therapy and certain medications can help, but fwiw I hope you're doing better by tomorrow Astrochicken!
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Apr 23, 2023 08:16
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AceOfFlames posted:Speaking of diagnosis I finally have an official High Functioning Autism diagnosis. It feels oddly freeing in a way? Like now I can find ways to adapt and that it's not necessarily my fault? Would you mind expanding on that "freeing" feeling? I would definitely like to hear things from your perspective.
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Apr 24, 2023 05:44
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Josherino posted:Would you mind expanding on that "freeing" feeling? I would definitely like to hear things from your perspective. I mean my whole life I have known I am Not Normal. My lack of focus, memorizing way too much trivia, reduced need for the presence of others, caring far more about their ideas than said presence, my only desire for a relationship being more about checking a box than an actual need, my tendency to spiral into panic, etc etc. And yet several therapists never picked up on it. Maybe it's because as my current therapist says, I am very much on the edge of the spectrum. (though I do wonder if the pandemic has thrown me over the edge). And so I just listen to my parents' voice saying I am just undisciplined, need exercise, etc. And just feel guilty and inadequate. But now I see a glimmer of possibility. A way to move forward. I can see what others in my position have tried. And at least some recognition that I have struggled with a world that was not made for me.
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Apr 24, 2023 20:02
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Josherino posted:Would you mind expanding on that "freeing" feeling? I would definitely like to hear things from your perspective. Not technically who you asked but I think it's a useful perspective. I've gotten diagnosed with half a dozen new things over the last year and I have found that my response to those diagnoses are one of two types: "Oh nice, that makes sense, and now I can think about how to mitigate/heal" or "Ah Christ, more bullshit that's wrong with me." ADHD fell into the former. I've struggled a lot with focus and attention over the years. I didn't especially struggle in school, so the possibility that I had any problems was dismissed, sometimes quite angrily or even cruelly. I did much better in school, and in other parts of my life, as I learned through very tedious trial and error various strategies that helped mitigate those ill effects. Learning from people with ADHD about some other disparate effects (difficulty processing spoken word without an accompanying mechanical hearing difficulty was a big one) made it all kind of click into place and getting a formal diagnosis has made me much more willing and able to adopt strategies that have helped. Codependency fell into the latter. Just a, "goddammit, I hate that this is a thing about me now." I feel dumber and lesser knowing this about myself.
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Apr 24, 2023 21:13
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