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the holy poopacy posted:just burn down the occasional orphanage and claim it's "chaotic neutral." that way you can still dabble freely in evil magic and you can sucker the good guys by occasionally teasing a redemption arc just to reveal that you had ulterior motives the whole time. My experience has been the opposite. You'll be dealing with a lot of people who were orphans in this business, and some of them get a little weird about that. Once word about the "Oooooh no, ohhh nooo, senseless killing of children!" gets out, they'll take it personally and plenty of otherwise rational, profit-minded people will turn on you. Really, it's best to avoid killing children when possible. Yes, that's where most of those orphans come from in the first place, and yes, they can be quite annoying when they grow up, but there's a reason people do it that way. And I don't think I even need to go into what happens if you try to kill a child but fail. Nobody thinks it'll happen to them, but that's a completely terminal destiny condition. You might as well just call it quits at that point.
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Apr 28, 2023 06:51
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sweet geek swag posted:Dude, you've been friend zoned. And from how you are talking, it sounds it's because you are an incessant drama hound. Take the hint, find a more positive relationship, and for god's sake talk like a normal person. His scrying orb is getting left on read and he’s still thinkin he got a shot lol
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Apr 28, 2023 07:05
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Did who what now really deserve that perma?
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Apr 28, 2023 07:19
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the holy poopacy posted:Hark unto me, dark brethren, for I beseech thy counsel! My maniacal schemes of conquest have run into an unexpected roadblock. Against all odds, my arch-nemesis Mumphredolf the White and I have fallen quite in love! However, he refuses to commit to making our relationship canonical. He claims "the subtext is there" but honestly it's as thin as his excuses. He promises to explore our relationship in a spinoff series but I'm wondering if this is too little, too late. Should I give him a second chance or is it time to betray him to the Gibbering Lords of the Uttervoid? Oof, I think he's using you. Like, how often does, y'know, initiate things? Or is it always you, picking the right confluence of planets, plotting the mad banquet, enacting the rites? If you're really set on him I suppose one last attempt at communication, something sweet with a reminder of the emotions that brought you together, but also clear that this is the "this is it" moment. Something like: Hwaet! Thrice have I offered up to you mine own heart organ, glistening and pulsing! Thrice hast thou forsaken my overtures! Thrice bedamned thee be! Commit to this relationship or be committed to the planes of madness! <3
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Apr 28, 2023 07:32
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Man, are the infernal realms doing a recruitment drive lately or something? They've been bothering me something fierce lately, offering all sorts of soul pacts and infernal knowledge if I signed up with them, but I've already conquered the local realm without their help, I have zero interest in trading away my soul for whatever pathetic boons they're offering. Offering fourth level spells for signing away my soul is just insulting. Their latest high pressure sales tactic is threatening to get me reclassified as Lawful netural, since technically my dark regime is still more beneficial and kind to the average peasant than regular Feudalism. It's not my fault those inbred cousinfuckers don't know how to properly keep things running. I'm not about to grow out a pencil thin mustache and kick puppies just to satisfy some nerd rear end demon Bureaucrat. Anway, it's getting annoying and messenger imps tend clog up the anima furnaces when chucked in, so I'm looking for a way to get these assholes off my back.
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Apr 30, 2023 17:46
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They aren't saying it outright but they're trying to get you in on a commission scam. Devils get paid based on souls corrupted, and turning a neutral leader evil is worth a lot of credit. What you want to do is work out a contract with a devil where you split their corruption commission, get formally reclassified to lawful neutral, then get 'corrupted' back to lawful evil and rake in the money. If you do it right you can pull this scam on the infernal bureaucracy every twenty years or so.
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Apr 30, 2023 17:59
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every time the shoggoth's witnesses come around, i put on my miter and offer to explain to them about the light of jesus
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Apr 30, 2023 19:10
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Tunicate posted:They aren't saying it outright but they're trying to get you in on a commission scam. Diabolical.
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May 1, 2023 15:56
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FYI there's a guy out there claiming to clean out the various shafts and crawlspaces of your lair for only 99 pieces of silver, paid upfront of course. It's a huge scam, he'll show you all these etchings of "past jobs" but then he'll show up all alone on a horse and say his equipment's tied up at another site and you need to pay a "rescheduling fee". This old sorcerer that lives across the Forbidden Plain from me got scammed real bad and he might end up having to sell his Bone Fortress since he can't afford the payments any more. I think in general we need to do more to help out every Ancient Hag, Crone, Sorcerer, and Necromancer we know. A lot of these people live on fixed incomes and scam artists really prey on them in their old age.
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May 1, 2023 16:03
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it is rough when immortal or near immortal being get older and are living on social security for multiple lifetimes. the money just doesn’t go very far by the end of the month. probably why they eat so many children.
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May 1, 2023 16:15
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Just invest a few coppers into a hotdog shack and get yourself banished for 1 thousand years, come back and collect your millions? Then travel back in time with your fortune, rinse and repeat whenever you run out. That's why you became an immortal being and learnt magic duh
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May 1, 2023 16:44
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Colonel Cancer posted:Just invest a few coppers into a hotdog shack and get yourself banished for 1 thousand years, come back and collect your millions? That's all well and good if you know a chronomage or can hire one, but what about the lowly Swamp Crone? Hell, my great-great-great-great-great grandather spent his life and afterlife reanimating the dead for Lord Karluk the Unliving. You think he had the time or forethought to get involved with time manipulation? Hell, back then you needed to invest in a whole-rear end clock tower filled with a bunch of rare metals just to start messing around with that stuff.
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May 1, 2023 17:08
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naem posted:it is rough when immortal or near immortal being get older and are living on social security for multiple lifetimes. the money just doesn’t go very far by the end of the month. In the old days a wizard would catch himself slipping, and would know it's time to immediately go out and recruit an ambitious and unscrupulous apprentice, or immediately pull the trigger on those risky plans for apotheosis they had sitting around. Some would say that's better than what we've got now.
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May 1, 2023 20:32
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Alright which of you assholes ruined my bets
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May 7, 2023 01:49
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It was a druid conspiracy to infiltrate the races in guise of horses.
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May 7, 2023 02:29
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Tunicate posted:Alright which of you assholes ruined my bets I am extremely pissed about this. Seven deaths is just a huge pointless waste. It was *supposed* to be 13, like how are you gonna open a portal to dread R'lyeh with anything less than that? But one minion gets loose lips at the bar one night, and next thing you know you've got the freakin' Jersey mob horning in so they can weight the betting. Then *they* spill the beans to an undercover paladin and oops, there's all these do-gooders out there now disrupting power circles and limiting the carnage. Six drat months of work, down the drain. I don't even think I can cash in on these jockey-soul IOUs, I am pretty sure they all have prior liens.
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May 7, 2023 02:31
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wheatpuppy posted:Then *they* spill the beans to an undercover paladin and oops, there's all these do-gooders out there now disrupting power circles and limiting the carnage. C'mon buddy, you know how to check for this. Just ask the new goon if they're really an undercover paladin - they have to say yes if you ask, those guys can't lie to you. Just make sure you also get them to lift up their tunic too so you can check they're not wearing Granthar's Wyrd Listening Device
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May 8, 2023 19:31
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Danger - Octopus! posted:C'mon buddy, you know how to check for this. Just ask the new goon if they're really an undercover paladin - they have to say yes if you ask, those guys can't lie to you. Just make sure you also get them to lift up their tunic too so you can check they're not wearing Granthar's Wyrd Listening Device They got tricky, one of the horses was a Paladin's Mount.
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May 8, 2023 19:38
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Danger - Octopus! posted:C'mon buddy, you know how to check for this. Just ask the new goon if they're really an undercover paladin - they have to say yes if you ask, those guys can't lie to you. Just make sure you also get them to lift up their tunic too so you can check they're not wearing Granthar's Wyrd Listening Device You'd think after what happened to Murtran the Defiler people would stop repeating this obvious lie. Today's Paladins can absolutely lie if they think you are evil.
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May 8, 2023 19:51
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pro tip paladins will just shoot you and say they thought you were evil, even if you're neutral or good. always take a few levels in Monk
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May 8, 2023 20:26
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Paladin pulled over my carriage once, said I fit the description of a church burner from a nearby village. FWIW I did burn the church, but was fully invisible, so this was typical pale skin color profiling garbage. He demands to cast a broad Detect Evil over my person and carriage. I'm all buttoned up on top dollar Hide Alignment enchantments so I say go for it. I'm sitting there packing a pipe on the reigns when his focus starts making that low moaning noise any wizard knows. He's all aggro now, sword out and demanding I step out of the carraige. Well, what do I see when I do, but a creepy little doll just sitting on my crates like a stowaway. This mfer planted a goddamn cursed relic on me I couldn't believe it. I had tons of contraband and couldn't afford the heat of killing one of the king's inquisitors, so I just quick casted my pants shitter spell on him and made a hasty retreat. Not my proudest moment
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May 8, 2023 20:44
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I never got the hassle some of you have with Paladins, they're easy to spot. If a bulky knight shows up without a horse or any attendants to be seen, just fuckin kill em. Chances are, they're a paladin. If not, who cares? It's rogues that vex me to no end. No matter how much I beef up security, at least a couple times a year I'll walk by and notice some inbred halfling with nothing but 2 lock picks and a looting bag working on some locked door in the middle of my dark fortress. I tried creating child sized "vents" as traps for the little fuckers, but it only catches about half of them, it hasn't solved the problem. Fur20 posted:pro tip paladins will just shoot you and say they thought you were evil, even if you're neutral or good. always take a few levels in Monk Sometimes their patron god will still take offense and depower them for killing an innocent, but then they just get hired on to crusade with some other lawful/good rear end in a top hat diety a few months later.
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May 8, 2023 20:44
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Deki posted:I never got the hassle some of you have with Paladins, they're easy to spot. If a bulky knight shows up without a horse or any attendants to be seen, just fuckin kill em. Chances are, they're a paladin. If not, who cares? Rogues always think they are the smartest guy/gal in the room. Good move with the decoy vents for the halflings. I use pocket dimensions a lot to many rogues. None of the locks on the doors in my lair actually function like locks in the usual sense. They are all traps for rogues who try to pick them and when the buggers pick the "lock" the door auto routes them to a pocket dimension from which there is no escape. They end up lost in a mirror facsimile of the lair just wandering around. I set up the dimensions to be removed from time and give those within them everlasting energy and lack of need of food or water. So they wander essentially forever without dying. They cant suicide either due to the nature of the dimension. Good fun. I like to keep a scrying mirror in a room like an art gallery kind of deal for each dimension to watch them while chilling. I call it my "rogues gallery"
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May 8, 2023 21:00
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EmbryoSteve posted:Rogues always think they are the smartest guy/gal in the room. Good move with the decoy vents for the halflings. I use pocket dimensions a lot to many rogues. None of the locks on the doors in my lair actually function like locks in the usual sense. They are all traps for rogues who try to pick them and when the buggers pick the "lock" the door auto routes them to a pocket dimension from which there is no escape. They end up lost in a mirror facsimile of the lair just wandering around. I set up the dimensions to be removed from time and give those within them everlasting energy and lack of need of food or water. So they wander essentially forever without dying. They cant suicide either due to the nature of the dimension. Good fun. I like to keep a scrying mirror in a room like an art gallery kind of deal for each dimension to watch them while chilling. I call it my "rogues gallery" is the pocket dimension full of impossible locks, mazes and traps? because, you just created rogue heaven you’d better hope they aren’t leveling up in there and then get out somehow because they’re going right to max level
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May 8, 2023 21:22
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Pocket dimensions are great traps until you have a rogue carrying an incompatible storage format. One portable hole-induced resonance cascade and your best case secnario is that your lair ends up drifting in the astral plane.
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May 8, 2023 21:23
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Tunicate posted:Pocket dimensions are great traps until you have a rogue carrying an incompatible storage format. One portable hole-induced resonance cascade and your best case secnario is that your lair ends up drifting in the astral plane. Ah, don't get me started on pocket dimension issues. I spent years wondering why all the pocket dimensions I tried to create/link to from my lair were all hosed up and wrong. I knew there was an ancient tomb city in an aetherial bubble that overlapped our world at a point inside my dark lair (hell, it's why I built it there) I didn't realize it was going to gently caress up all sorts of dimensional magic near it. On the plus side, it's very entertaining when some idiot attempts to teleport into my lair. But that's because I'm not the one who has to clean up the mess.
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May 8, 2023 21:41
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What kind of a rogue goes on a lair looting spree without a bottomless bag? Your pocket dimension is one Dildo Beefing away from imploding a good chunk of your real estate well into asstral planes
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May 8, 2023 22:03
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Shadow wizard money gang (we love casting spells)
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May 8, 2023 22:15
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Yall are right. A rogue got out. Im not sure how but Luckily she was so thankful to be free and so.over Leveled on search area and lock picking she lost most of her fighting skill and both didnt notice and couldn't hang with Shizaeran the Eater , a greater deamon I keep bound to an old set of armor I keep in the gallery. He likes to watch the frustrated aimless wandering as the despair is good enrichment for him. Anyway I never got to find out how she got out because by the time i got to the gallery good ol Shiz was attempting the shove clumps of torn corpulent flesh into his faceplate like he actually had a mouth and wasnt a set of animated armor. He can keep.the flesh. He earned it imo and now I don't even have to bind him to the room when I'm not sending him out on terror missions. Hes fixated on the mirrors. Just waiting for another escape and when he moves from mirror to mirror and there's a cute "slish slosh plish plop" echoing out of him since his carapace is filled with the eviscerated gore of the rogue. I added a mind looping spell that flows through the winds magic in those dimensions and threw in a taunting spectre to chase them about a bit so they don't have time to think too much about their bag of dimensional.dildos or what have you. The moment they realize they're in a trap the spectre shows up and chases them to a new door that they frantically unlock which resets the loop and erases their memory of the previous loop / lock picking / being stuck in a pocket dimension. Now they pick the lock, enter the pocket, wander until they realize their in my rogues gallery /pocket dimension, get chased by the spectre, pick a new lock which loops them back to the moment of consciousness in which they entered the pocket and picked the first lock. Erasing xp and resetting the dimension Poor.shiz gonna be waiting a while for.the next breakout
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May 8, 2023 22:52
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EmbryoSteve posted:I like to keep a scrying mirror in a room like an art gallery kind of deal for each dimension to watch them while chilling. I call it my "rogues gallery" Ohhh poo poo this sounds amazing! Do you sell these? My guild affiliation prohibits me from making my own but I'm not Good or anything so I can, yknow, still keep and display art like this. Ugh. Some housewife at the supermarket asked me if I was a Druid today, she wanted to know if I could do her landscaping. How insulting! Somebody is about to get the Curse of the Unattainable Fabio put on her as soon as I get off the train and back to my atelier. Like I don't mind public transit, I just play waifu games on my phone anyway, but well it turns out I had my phasing license suspended for releasing that hydra into a populated area Fur20 fucked around with this message at 23:16 on May 8, 2023 |
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May 8, 2023 23:12
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The spells and dimensions are all proprietary and artisanally hand-made. so no you can't have them. I'm not some young schlub lich who hasn't been around the cairn. You can't loving buy my poo poo and learn my secrets. I almost got got by my first apprentice when he was conspiring against me with a magical merchant. Trying to get me to sell my spells so they could deconstruct them and then kill me and steal my.essence. I was poor then both in sense and souls but I'm not poor now gently caress you. I know your guild wants my secret dimensions just to put me in it and lock me In a loop. Fur20 posted:Ohhh poo poo this sounds amazing! Do you sell these? My guild affiliation prohibits me from making my own but I'm not Good or anything so I can, yknow, still keep and display art like this.
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May 8, 2023 23:38
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Lol@this chump top-posting. Gramps these aren't the AOL days and you ain't using THAC0 any longer.
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May 8, 2023 23:52
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Over the weekend I started a project to actually go through and read some of the Grimoires I'd been hoarding and amassing over the years. It's funny how you'll buy/loot one with the intention of going straight home and reading it, but then 1000 years later it's still just sitting around unread in your library. Anyhoo, here are the ones I read this weekend and my ratings: Narciccisto's Supreme Grimoire: Your basic repertoire of spells, but all modified with mental glyphs that make the caster wildly overestimate the power and effect of the spell in question. Halfway through reading through the self-indulgent notes I realized that the idiot who penned this likely didn't realize what his glyph was doing and that this tome wasn't a joke or scam like I had thought. Anyway, explains why it's author thought he could take me on with nothing but basic fireballs and magic missiles, Rating: ★★☆☆☆ - Basic, but comprehensive. Give to an apprentice you don't care much for to eventually see some great comedy. Cuneiform tablets of the first wizard of Ur - A bunch of agricultural and weather manipulation spells. You'd think that it'd be worthless to the modern dark wizard, but the observations as to the nature of primal magic shown in the tablets was centuries ahead of it's time. The actual spells are rather useless given their inefficiency, but like all primal magic, are a blast to bust out. Rating: ★★★★☆ - I can see why this one's a classic for a reason. Very concise and to the point (mostly because written language was still a new and exciting concept at the time of writing). Hidebound codex of Mad lord Geoffrey, the Reanimator - I'm an immortal sorcerer bound to a titanic golem shell and even I was mad about how much of my time this piece of poo poo wasted. His grand observations into the nature of life and death effectively boil down to "People die when they run out of blood" and "Flesh golems move around like they're real people". Complete trash. It makes sense why the author died to a crowd of lowly peasants. The recipe for a flesh golem is also very subpar. Rating: ☆☆☆☆☆ - The mindless flesh golem would have written a better tome. Dripping journal of the sewer cult - I'm glad I had the forethought to use a proxy for this one. This tome has all sorts of goodies if you're into disease magic or just making things generally unpleasant for others. The book might only seem somewhat gross to hold, but mortals beware, all the spells here will effect the caster too, so make sure you're disease proof or have someone else cast the spells for you. With that in mind, it's still a hidden gem, the back half of the book is absolutely jam packed with all sorts of diseases of varying lethality. Rating: ★★★☆☆ - A nice midlevel tome that punches above it's average spell level but you don't want cast anywhere near you. EmbryoSteve posted:I'm not some young schlub lich who hasn't been around the cairn. You can't loving buy my poo poo and learn my secrets. I almost got got A dark apprentice who doesn't eventually make an attempt on your life is just not cut out for the lifestyle. I don't know what you expected. The trick is to find the ones ambitious enough to make an attempt or two on your life, but wise enough to give up after being shown their place.
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May 9, 2023 01:16
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Deki posted:A dark apprentice who doesn't eventually make an attempt on your life is just not cut out for the lifestyle. I don't know what you expected. The trick is to find the ones ambitious enough to make an attempt or two on your life, but wise enough to give up after being shown their place. Money-saving tip from one dark wizard to another: you know those barrels we all have with a skeleton waiting inside, just waiting for an adventurer to smash it in search of loot? Well sure, you can buy those down at Ernesto The Grim's Trap Emporium, but there's honestly no need! Just advertise for an apprentice, then if they're not cut out after the first day or you don't like their haircut or just have an empty barrel spare - give them the old cursed handshake, then it's into the barrel with them and that's five silver pieces saved! Leave them for a few years to turn into a skeleton of course, but in today's economy there's no shortage of apprentices and people actually expect them to disappear when they head up to your tower.
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May 9, 2023 21:21
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To any who did not heed my portent re: Lucida, the faire, trolls etc. sorry* Things went well. The city went from Shining Beacon to Blighted Waste quite nicely. Got to see how all that lightness and brotherhood faff really shakes out in a situation, and even made a tidy pile of coin. Which I then really needed seein' as how the troll I was shavin' like a kebab didn't much like that, got free, and turned against me as I screamed I AM YOUR MASTER! OBEY ME! Anyone needs me I've found a nice little shack in just the coziest bog. There's a loving suburb encroaching next door, but I can look on the positives. Certainly no food desert - place is lousy with slow children. Why, they even put up signs about it! And I'm saving tons on candy. Nowadays you just grab 'em and drop them straight into the cauldron. I was worried about my gators, but they've settled into the sewers straight away, and Chungus, The Tooth in the Dark already nabbed her first jogger. ^-^ *not sorry EmbryoSteve posted:Hes fixated on the mirrors. Just waiting for another escape and when he moves from mirror to mirror and there's a cute "slish slosh plish plop" echoing out of him since his carapace is filled with the eviscerated gore of the rogue. Aww, he sounds just darling!
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May 10, 2023 01:21
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I do not have any grimoires on my bookshelf, and I have never done Dark Black Majicks; however, one of my favorite things to do is play Skyrim and kill people and raise them from the dead and wander the world with a skellington army following, creating havoc and misery. Am I qualified to read this thread, and post in this thread?
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May 11, 2023 01:10
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May 15, 2023 18:47
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It's no secret Annie Lennox's side hustle is using the dark arts to usurp the monarchy. No biggie.
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May 20, 2023 13:45
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A Harper just vandalized my lair entrance!!! Fucker wrote "Dork Wizard Home" ! 
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May 26, 2023 03:59
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Comfy Fleece Sweater posted:A Harper just vandalized my lair entrance!!! Fucker wrote "Dork Wizard Home" ! Uh-huh, sure, a "harper" did it. I am sure we won't later find that the damage was to easily-cleaned areas, using materials you conveniently left laying around? Smh. If you are gonna frame an enemy for a crime, you gotta a) be more creative and b) find a better class of enemy. A Harper? Really?
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May 26, 2023 04:13
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