funny politics shit you remember: The Maltese Failson

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Uncle Boogeyman: Jul 22, 2007

prison guards are definitely worse than tsa lol

# ? Jul 17, 2023 15:09

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# ? May 27, 2024 00:21

Lib and let die: Aug 26, 2004

a guy my brother-in-law hangs around with was a prison guard

he said they hit an inmate so hard they were afraid they killed him and their first thought wasn't "gently caress we killed a guy" it was "gently caress we're gonna end up on the other side of the bars"

# ? Jul 17, 2023 15:12

projecthalaxy: Dec 27, 2008; Yes hello it is I Kurt's Secret Son

The only person i know who got into prison work did so for the single reason that it paid double what he was making at the grocery store and required no additional skills.

six months later, back at the grocery store

# ? Jul 17, 2023 15:14

Fish of hemp: Apr 1, 2011; A friendly little mouse!

projecthalaxy posted:

The only person i know who got into prison work did so for the single reason that it paid double what he was making at the grocery store and required no additional skills.

six months later, back at the grocery store

Well it is spending your time with worst of humanity and realizing that for most of them there really isn't way to redemption.

And also there are inmates.

# ? Jul 17, 2023 15:38

One More Fat Nerd: Apr 13, 2007; Mama’s Lil’ Louie; Nap Ghost

Remembered this Trump moment and laughed:

https://twitter.com/chlocialism/status/1680643895074471936?s=20

# ? Jul 17, 2023 18:32

Koishi Komeiji: Mar 30, 2003

The most relatable thing he has ever said. We all just want to hop in to a big truck and just ride the hell out of here.

The entire human experience summed up in one picture.

# ? Jul 17, 2023 19:07

theflyingexecutive: Apr 22, 2007

3D Megadoodoo posted:

Ever heard of the TSA?

I can't remember the last time the tsa cold blooded murdered someone

_{_{also they saved my cat and threatened to arrest his accidental catnapper for me}}

# ? Jul 17, 2023 19:11

One More Fat Nerd: Apr 13, 2007; Mama’s Lil’ Louie; Nap Ghost

Koishi Komeiji posted:

The most relatable thing he has ever said. We all just want to hop in to a big truck and just ride the hell out of here.

The entire human experience summed up in one picture.

Only registered members can see post attachments!

# ? Jul 17, 2023 19:15

Jenny Agutter: Mar 18, 2009

theflyingexecutive posted:

I can't remember the last time the tsa cold blooded murdered someone

_{_{also they saved my cat and threatened to arrest his accidental catnapper for me}}

you�re excited they were going to arrest someone because of an accident that ended up harmless?

# ? Jul 17, 2023 20:39

ben shapino: Nov 22, 2020

Jenny Agutter posted:

you’re excited they were going to arrest someone because of an accident that ended up harmless?

that's right

# ? Jul 17, 2023 20:57

Spergin Morlock: Aug 8, 2009

the TSA photographed my penis with xrays

# ? Jul 18, 2023 01:55

Milo and POTUS: Sep 3, 2017; I will not shut up about the Mighty Morphin Power Rangers. I talk about them all the time and work them into every conversation I have. I built a shrine in my room for the yellow one who died because sadly no one noticed because she died around 9/11. Wanna see it?

All that radiation gonna make it bigger though if comic books are to be believed

# ? Jul 18, 2023 02:57

H.P. Hovercraft: Jan 12, 2004; one thing a computer can do that most humans can't is be sealed up in a cardboard box and sit in a warehouse; Slippery Tilde

just greener

# ? Jul 18, 2023 06:00

Proust Malone: Apr 4, 2008

https://twitter.com/huntclancy/status/1681151022180229120?s=46&t=v69FFc9gmilk6I-vYnAGzw

# ? Jul 18, 2023 07:12

theflyingexecutive: Apr 22, 2007

Jenny Agutter posted:

you�re excited they were going to arrest someone because of an accident that ended up harmless?

excited that they would've arrested an actual catnapper, yeah

# ? Jul 18, 2023 09:29

Weka: May 5, 2019; That child totally had it coming. Nobody should be able to be out at dusk except cars.

DACK FAYDEN posted:

is there a single prison guard who has the job for any reason other than "hosed up the cop entrance exam"

I know a young woman who works at a juvenile prison and she seems ok. I doubt she'd ever be a cop.

Spergin Morlock posted:

the TSA photographed my penis with xrays

You mean electrons.

# ? Jul 18, 2023 12:22

WHY BONER NOW: Mar 6, 2016; Pillbug

Proust Malone posted:

https://twitter.com/huntclancy/status/1681151022180229120?s=46&t=v69FFc9gmilk6I-vYnAGzw

Seems pretty optimistic to call this purgatory

# ? Jul 18, 2023 12:57

Spergin Morlock: Aug 8, 2009

Weka posted:

I know a young woman who works at a juvenile prison and she seems ok. I doubt she'd ever be a cop.

You mean electrons.

the TSA shot my penis with electrons

# ? Jul 18, 2023 14:25

gimme the GOD DAMN candy: Jul 1, 2007

the tsa are ineffectual indifferent functionaries but they don't actually enjoy seeing your weird dick. they see a lot of weird dicks, so the novelty wears off pretty quickly.

# ? Jul 18, 2023 14:48

Animal Friend: Sep 7, 2011

TSA sucked me off?

# ? Jul 18, 2023 15:09

projecthalaxy: Dec 27, 2008; Yes hello it is I Kurt's Secret Son

Electrons shot my penis with X-rays?

# ? Jul 18, 2023 15:28

Feral Integral: Jun 6, 2006; YOSPOS

theflyingexecutive posted:

excited that they would've arrested an actual catnapper, yeah

Why did you say it was accidental

# ? Jul 18, 2023 15:35

UKJeff: May 17, 2023; by vyelkin

DACK FAYDEN posted:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hnuNmYDsGVU

Lmfao, never seen this before .. good find :cheers:

# ? Jul 18, 2023 15:50

UKJeff: May 17, 2023; by vyelkin

One More Fat Nerd posted:

Remembered this Trump moment and laughed:

https://twitter.com/chlocialism/status/1680643895074471936?s=20

Koishi Komeiji posted:

The most relatable thing he has ever said. We all just want to hop in to a big truck and just ride the hell out of here.

The entire human experience summed up in one picture.

Trump FTW. :unsmith:

# ? Jul 18, 2023 15:53

duz: Jul 11, 2005; Come on Ilhan, lets go bag us a shitpost

Spergin Morlock posted:

the TSA photographed my penis with xrays

dont put it in your carryon luggage next time

# ? Jul 18, 2023 18:42

Eat This Glob: Jan 14, 2008; God is dead. God remains dead. And we have killed him. Who will wipe this blood off us? What festivals of atonement, what sacred games shall we need to invent?

Weka posted:

You mean electrons.

probably microns in this case

also, i just remembered that time joe biden's goddamn eye exploded at a debate and everyone pretended that's just a thing that happens when people are talking

also the fact that bernie didn't kick his goddamn teeth in on health care during a pandemic and joe saying he'd veto single payer because it'd be an insult to his dead-rear end son for some reason. and also his dead-rear end son keeping a du pont child rapist out of prison because he wouldn't like the conditions

# ? Jul 18, 2023 19:15

DR FRASIER KRANG: Feb 4, 2005; "Are you forgetting that just this afternoon I was punched in the face by a turtle now dead?

duz posted:

dont put it in your carryon luggage next time

my carrion luggage is 100% severed dicks.

# ? Jul 18, 2023 19:58

Toph Bei Fong: Feb 29, 2008

Fish of hemp posted:

Well it is spending your time with worst of humanity and realizing that for most of them there really isn't way to redemption.

And also there are inmates.

A long, disturbing read: https://www.motherjones.com/politics/2016/06/cca-private-prisons-corrections-corporation-inmates-investigation-bauer/

quote:

In class that day, we learn about the use of force. A middle-aged black instructor I�ll call Mr. Tucker comes into the classroom, his black fatigues tucked into shiny black boots. He�s the head of Winn�s Special Operations Response Team, or SORT, the prison�s SWAT-like tactical unit. �If an inmate was to spit in your face, what would you do?� he asks. Some cadets say they would write him up. One woman, who has worked here for 13 years and is doing her annual retraining, says, �I would want to hit him. Depending on where the camera is, he might would get hit.�

Mr. Tucker pauses to see if anyone else has a response. �If your personality if somebody spit on you is to knock the gently caress out of him, you gonna knock the gently caress out of him,� he says, pacing slowly. �If a inmate hit me, I�m go� hit his rear end right back. I don�t care if the camera�s rolling. If a inmate spit on me, he�s gonna have a very bad day.� Mr. Tucker says we should call for backup in any confrontation. �If a midget spit on you, guess what? You still supposed to call for backup. You don�t supposed to ever get into a one-on-one encounter with anybody. Period. Whether you can take him or not. Hell, if you got a problem with a midget, call me. I�ll help you. Me and you can whup the hell out of him.�

He asks us what we should do if we see two inmates stabbing each other.

�I�d probably call somebody,� a cadet offers.

�I�d sit there and holler �stop,'� says a veteran guard.

Mr. Tucker points at her. �drat right. That�s it. If they don�t pay attention to you, hey, there ain�t nothing else you can do.�

He cups his hands around his mouth. �Stop fighting,� he says to some invisible prisoners. �I said, �Stop fighting.'� His voice is nonchalant. �Y�all ain�t go� to stop, huh?� He makes like he�s backing out of a door and slams it shut. �Leave your rear end in there!�

�Somebody�s go� win. Somebody�s go� lose. They both might lose, but hey, did you do your job? Hell yeah!� The classroom erupts in laughter.

We could try to break up a fight if we wanted, he says, but since we won�t have pepper spray or a nightstick, he wouldn�t recommend it. �We are not going to pay you that much,� he says emphatically. �The next raise you get is not going to be much more than the one you got last time. The only thing that�s important to us is that we go home at the end of the day. Period. So if them fools want to cut each other, well, happy cutting.�

quote:

At Winn, staff and inmates alike refer to guards as �free people.� Like the prisoners, the majority of the COs at Winn are African American. More than half are women, many of them single moms. But in Ash and Elm, the floor officers�who more than anyone else deal with the inmates face-to-face�are exclusively men. Floor officers are both enforcers and a prisoner�s first point of contact if he needs something. It is their job to conduct security checks every 30 minutes, walking up and down each tier to make sure nothing is awry. Three times per 12-hour shift, all movement in the prison stops and the floor officers count the inmates. There are almost never more than two floor officers per general population unit. That�s one per 176 inmates. (CCA later tells me that the Louisiana Department of Corrections, or DOC, considered the �staffing pattern� at Winn �appropriate.�)

In Elm, a tall white CO named Christian is waiting for us with a leashed German shepherd. He tells the female cadets to go to the key and the male cadets to line up along the showers and toilets at the front of the tier. We put on latex gloves. The inmates are sitting on their beds. Two ceiling fans turn slowly. The room is filled with fluorescent light. Almost every prisoner is black.

A small group of inmates get up from their beds and file into the shower area. One, his body covered with tattoos, gets in the shower in front of me, pulls off his shirt and shorts, and hands them to me to inspect. �Do a one-finger lift, turn around, bend, squat, cough,� Christian orders. In one fluid motion, the man lifts his penis, opens his mouth, lifts his tongue, spins around with his rear end facing me, squats, and coughs. He hands me his sandals and shows me the soles of his feet. I hand him his clothes and he puts his shorts on, walks past me, and nods respectfully.

Like a human assembly line, the inmates file in. �Beyend, squawt, cough,� Christian drawls. He tells one inmate to open his hand. The inmate uncurls his finger and reveals a SIM card. Christian takes it but does nothing.

Eventually, the TV room is full of prisoners. A guard looks at them and smiles. �Tear �em up!� he says, gesturing down the tier. Each of us, women included, stops at a bed. Christian tells one cadet to �shake down bed eight real good�just because he pissed me off.� He tells us to search everything. I follow the other guards� lead, opening bottles of toothpaste and lotion. Inside a container of Vaseline, I find a one-hitter pipe made out of a pen and ask Christian what to do with it. He takes it from me, mutters �eh,� and tosses it on the floor. I go through the mattress, pillow, dirty socks, and underwear. I flip through photos of kids, and of women posing seductively. I move on to new lockers: ramen, chips, dentures, hygiene products, peanut butter, cocoa powder, cookies, candy, salt, moldy bread, a dirty coffee cup. I find the draft of a novel, dedicated to �all the hustlers, bastards, strugglers, and hoodlum childs who are chasing their dreams.�

One instructor notices that I am carefully putting each object back where I found it and tells me to pull everything out of the lockers and leave it on the beds. I look down the tier and see mattresses lying on the floor, papers and food dumped across beds. The middle of the floor is strewn with contraband: USB cables refashioned as phone chargers, tubs of butter, slices of cheese, and pills. I find some hamburger patties taken from the cafeteria. A guard tells me to throw them into the pile.

Inmates are glued up against the TV room window, watching a young white cadet named Miss Stirling pick through their stuff. She�s pretty and petite, with long, jet-black hair. The attention makes her uncomfortable; she thinks the inmates are gross. Earlier this week, she said she would refuse to give an inmate CPR and won�t try the cafeteria food because she doesn�t want to �eat AIDS.� The more she is around prisoners, though, the more I notice her grapple with an inner conflict. �I don�t want to treat everyone like a criminal because I�ve done things myself,� she says.

Miss Stirling says she sometimes wonders if her baby�s dad will end up here. She doesn�t like doing chokehold escapes in class because they bring back memories of him. He cooked meth in their toolshed and once beat her so badly he dislocated her shoulder and knee. �You know that bone at the bottom of your neck? He pushed it up into my head,� she says.

If he ends up in this prison, another cadet assures her, �we could make his life hell.�

# ? Jul 18, 2023 20:01

erosion: Dec 21, 2002; It's true and I'm tired of pretending it isn't

Toph Bei Fong posted:

A long, disturbing read: https://www.motherjones.com/politics/2016/06/cca-private-prisons-corrections-corporation-inmates-investigation-bauer/

rofl

# ? Jul 19, 2023 05:58

Dr. Yinz Ljubljana: Nov 25, 2013

Eat This Glob posted:

... the fact that bernie didn't kick his goddamn teeth in on health care during a pandemic

yeah that felt like a missed opportunity. just hammer the point home, don't let him wriggle out of it. Obamacare was an albatross already and ol' Bern-dog really missed the chance to slap him with it

# ? Jul 19, 2023 15:58

Milo and POTUS: Sep 3, 2017; I will not shut up about the Mighty Morphin Power Rangers. I talk about them all the time and work them into every conversation I have. I built a shrine in my room for the yellow one who died because sadly no one noticed because she died around 9/11. Wanna see it?

For all the vitriol the hillary crowd loved to level at him about how abusive he was, ole bern is probably way more placid than he needed to be on a lot of poo poo. Which makes it kinda funnier

# ? Jul 19, 2023 16:19

Communist Thoughts: Jan 7, 2008; Our war against free speech cannot end until we silence this bronze beast!

Eat This Glob posted:

probably microns in this case

also, i just remembered that time joe biden's goddamn eye exploded at a debate and everyone pretended that's just a thing that happens when people are talking

also the fact that bernie didn't kick his goddamn teeth in on health care during a pandemic and joe saying he'd veto single payer because it'd be an insult to his dead-rear end son for some reason. and also his dead-rear end son keeping a du pont child rapist out of prison because he wouldn't like the conditions

it was funny when everyone was like "bernie is gonna own biden in this debate" then he just went up there and did his "how come 7% of americans own 76% of blahblahblah" stump speech he'd said a thousand times before completely unchanged

he finally got around to attacking bidens record halfway in but biden just baldfaced lied about it, which apparently bernie's team had never considered as an outcome so he had absolutely no response

# ? Jul 19, 2023 16:28

Lib and let die: Aug 26, 2004

Communist Thoughts posted:

it was funny when everyone was like "bernie is gonna own biden in this debate" then he just went up there and did his "how come 7% of americans own 76% of blahblahblah" stump speech he'd said a thousand times before completely unchanged

he finally got around to attacking bidens record halfway in but biden just baldfaced lied about it, which apparently bernie's team had never considered as an outcome so he had absolutely no response

well yeah how could bernie and his staff see bernie's good friend joe biden lying for political gain?

# ? Jul 19, 2023 16:29

Best Friends: Nov 4, 2011

Eat This Glob posted:

also the fact that bernie didn't kick his goddamn teeth in on health care during a pandemic and joe saying he'd veto single payer because it'd be an insult to his dead-rear end son for some reason. and also his dead-rear end son keeping a du pont child rapist out of prison because he wouldn't like the conditions

beau Biden canonized to liberal sainthood while having never done a good thing in his miserable life

# ? Jul 19, 2023 16:53

ikanreed: Sep 25, 2009; I honestly I have no idea who cannibal[SIC] is and I do not know why I should know.

syq dude, just syq!

Best Friends posted:

beau Biden canonized to liberal sainthood while having never done a good thing in his miserable life

Yeah the non-fail sons are way more evil then the failsons

# ? Jul 19, 2023 17:01

moist turtleneck: Jul 17, 2003; Represent.; Dinosaur Gum

i think bernie should run again just to spite biden, plus remember when bernie was too old to run in 2016 but then biden the literal walking corpse ran in 2020

I don't expect bernie to win, but also remember when julian castro got in trouble for calling out biden for not remembering anything

# ? Jul 19, 2023 17:53

Orange Devil: Oct 1, 2010; Wullie's reign cannae smother the flames o' equality!

Milo and POTUS posted:

For all the vitriol the hillary crowd loved to level at him about how abusive he was, ole bern is probably way more placid than he needed to be on a lot of poo poo. Which makes it kinda funnier

Just like Corbyn.

I don't want nice politicians anymore. I want vicious, ruthless assholes who are in my corner.

# ? Jul 19, 2023 20:30

a fatguy baldspot: Aug 29, 2018

why would Bernie be mean to his friend and preferred presidential candidate?

# ? Jul 19, 2023 20:32

Kitfox88: Aug 21, 2007; Anybody lose their glasses?

Orange Devil posted:

Just like Corbyn.

I don't want nice politicians anymore. I want vicious, ruthless assholes who are in my corner.

amen gently caress the high road I want a muddy slip n slide to help

# ? Jul 20, 2023 01:41

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# ? May 27, 2024 00:21

Dreylad: Jun 19, 2001

i think the harmless old socialists are the only ones who could have survived this long in politics, especially through the nadir of the left in the west over the last 70 years but they aren't useful as the leaders of a movement, yeah.

# ? Jul 20, 2023 01:44

The Something Awful Forums > Discussion > C-SPAM > funny politics shit you remember: The Maltese Failson

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