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Josherino)
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Goobish posted:My mom might be dying and no one knows why yet or what to do. She's been to the ER multiple times this month, not being able to breathe. She also has to use a walker suddenly, but she can hardly do anything but sit in her chair with oxygen and rescue inhalers. She sees some specialist Thursday, but she's so bad she can't even sleep without choking. So my stepdad is worried about her even making it until then. Covid was ruled out so far. We feel helpless about it. She can't even talk to me without going into an intense coughing fit. I lost my dad relatively young, so I feel extra worried about this. Coming back to this after work. If she's having trouble breathing she needs to be checked in and get some sort of breathing assistance and be monitored until she can see a specialist. There's something going on here. I would take her back and get her a bed as soon as possible.
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Jul 13, 2023 02:02
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lmaaao. i cancelled my appointments for next week directly through the clients, but kept the last one for tomorrow on account of the fact that it was for someone who really, really wanted this tattoo and my mentor fired me through text this morning, citing that "things haven't been working from either end for a while". i'm annoyed because i wanted a) to do this one last tattoo and b) if i had known it was as easy as sending a text i would have just done that. i just don't think texts are very professional. oh well. dream died slightly earlier than expected.
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Jul 13, 2023 16:28
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cash crab posted:oh well. dream died slightly earlier than expected. That dude didn't sound very much like a mentor. Are there other shops you could try at?
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Jul 13, 2023 23:40
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Jorge Bell posted:That dude didn't sound very much like a mentor. Are there other shops you could try at? yeah, absolutely. i also got the certifications i needed; naturally, he had nothing to do with that. also, i texted him back and said, "okay, if that's how you feel. i already cancelled my appointments for next week since i was already planning to resign," and he texted back that he was "thrilled this chapter was over," and that they were his clients, so of course they told him (they weren't...?). i told him this kind of disrespect was the reason i was planning to leave, and to stop contacting me. it's funny because when i originally wrote about this, i cited the fact that i didn't want to be yelled at (including having any nasty comments thrown my way) as a reason why i was so anxious. now that it's happened, and he was as hostile and childish about it as i expected, it really wasn't all that bad. i acted like the bigger person the entire time and all i have now is a sense of relief. i never have to deal with this particular energy vampire poo poo again. plus i made a few really great friends out of it. that place was making me so loving depressed and anxious and like, physically sick. lesson here: if it sucks, hit da bricks.
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Jul 14, 2023 00:04
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I'm trying to get an Microsoft Azure certification to try and get out of desktop support and I just can't stop thinking how pointless all this work and expense is going to end up being when it comes time to get a job. I won't have experience in exactly this and the desktop support experience also will not count. There is no middle, you're either a day one junior or a 10 year expert with no in between. I don't feel like anything I do actually counts for anything, and that I've basically wasted the last 10 years and it's too little too late. Any hurdle I clear will just have a bigger one behind it. Plus I have ADD and have to learn all this on a computer so it's even harder than it would otherwise be. I actually asked someone here directly who works with Azure, after they said they're fine with people reaching out after a learning webinar about, for mentoring, and just got ignored. Like they saw my title in my signature and that I didn't have the cert yet and wasn't already an expert and was like gently caress this guy. Then I asked the person who organized the webinar if they could name the presenters in case I just picked the wrong guy or something, and that was also ignored. Social anxiety and preemptive isolation doesn't feel as irrational when it's vindicated like this. I scheduled the exam and have a free credit so I'm not out money, but I'm probably going to be devastated if I fail it again (this is my 2nd try). I'm already obsessed with only doing things that will actually benefit me (perfectionism to paralysis pipeline) or at least be enjoyable, so if I fail, that just means the study was for nothing and I will forget everything even faster. It's kind of hard for me to delay gratification due to the disorder and doubly so when I have no faith in any gratification actually occurring. I don't think I can name a time in my life where I worked hard for something, actually got it, and it was actually worth it, somewhere along the line it just goes to poo poo or it turns out it wasn't as valuable as it was made out to be. Like at this point I'm not even really sure I even have the ability to affect my life positively in a real way anymore. Education doesn't matter because I can't absorb enough of it fast enough, and even if I do it , it doesn't matter because I haven't been doing a job with it for 5 years up to now. Doing better at my current job is elusive because no matter what I do I end up frozen at my desk half the day and the meds don't help, and I don't believe I'll be recognized no matter what I do. I worked out for years before the pandemic and mostly just got joint pain for it. Every volunteer thing I've ever done just felt like I was being used and not even helping anyone or even like a full member of that team. The negative self talk as shown above is probably the biggest factor, but I don't know how or if I can turn that off. It's my personality. It's hard to write it off as irrational because I actually have had good things just blow up in my face or hit a roadblock I can't clear and fail out before, and I'm always just waiting for the other shoe to drop to come and say "Every good thing you've done thus far is now invalid, go away". Even when I manage to get something right my brain will just zero it out, only the negatives count, anything positive is just a zero or a smaller negative number, but the only path in that regime is down. The last I think I ever felt like I accomplished was maybe when I graduated college a decade ago? But now I look back on it and feel like even that was worthless because none of the classes actually meant anything in the real world. So I guess the biggest problem of all isn't that the education and activities I do are worthless, I am, and anything that goes into my head or is attached to me is negated of all worth because it is now of me. Another person in my place would probably flourish, but I'm the loser with wigglebrains, so any opportunities will fizzle and evaporate once people figure that out about me. cash crab posted:yeah, absolutely. i also got the certifications i needed; naturally, he had nothing to do with that. Way to go! skooma512 has issued a correction as of 01:56 on Jul 14, 2023 |
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Jul 14, 2023 00:11
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GF is gone for a couple evenings and I already miss her a lot but I also don't want to over-text because I want her to have fun with her friends but yeah I totally miss her. OTOH I'm going to eat a dozen Taco Bell tacos over the next couple without her around to give me the stinkeye about it so that's not nothing. And we're going to get dressed up and go to Barbie next Friday.
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Jul 14, 2023 04:03
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Zeroisanumber posted:GF is gone for a couple evenings and I already miss her a lot but I also don't want to over-text because I want her to have fun with her friends but yeah I totally miss her. For most people if you send a "I miss you! I love you and hope you're having a great time with your friends!" text they'll show it to their friends and go "isn't he so cute?" So yeah just as long as you're not totally whiny about it. skooma512 posted:I'm trying to get an Microsoft Azure certification to try and get out of desktop support and I just can't stop thinking how pointless all this work and expense is going to end up being when it comes time to get a job. Yeah a lot of this is very relatable to me. The thing that has helped me a lot is to think less about results and more about process. Which is a bit of a problem since ultimately success and failure in your career is measured in dollars, not in hard work, but decoupling why I'm doing things from that ultimate result was pretty necessary for me to just keep going. I do the best I can, I try to help people, I follow best practices, and the results are going to be what they're going to be. People tell me its nihilistic but genuinely I find it comforting to remind myself that it's all chaos, there is no underlying justice, the results are stochastic at best and as long as I don't feel like I did something evil, that's enough.
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Jul 14, 2023 04:31
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Zeroisanumber posted:GF is gone for a couple evenings and I already miss her a lot but I also don't want to over-text because I want her to have fun with her friends but yeah I totally miss her. missing people is hard but this is a very  post
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Jul 14, 2023 05:33
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skooma512 posted:I'm trying to get an Microsoft Azure certification to try and get out of desktop support and I just can't stop thinking how pointless all this work and expense is going to end up being when it comes time to get a job. I won't have experience in exactly this and the desktop support experience also will not count. There is no middle, you're either a day one junior or a 10 year expert with no in between. I don't feel like anything I do actually counts for anything, and that I've basically wasted the last 10 years and it's too little too late. Any hurdle I clear will just have a bigger one behind it. Plus I have ADD and have to learn all this on a computer so it's even harder than it would otherwise be. I'm in sort of the same jam. I decided to take the plunge and enroll. It probably wont be enough, but its a good starting point. The things im learning actually entices me and I really interested in learning more. The feeling is actually encouraging and every thing is a lot easier than I expected. Im half afraid I'll get imposter syndrome. Have not quit my current job yet, although I really really really really really want to. I deliberately stopped shaving, so my im growing a wild beard and I look terrible, which is good because people around me avoid me and not the other way around. Pajser has issued a correction as of 12:02 on Jul 14, 2023 |
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Jul 14, 2023 11:57
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Great stuff cash crab!skooma512 posted:I'm trying to get an Microsoft Azure certification to try and get out of desktop support and I just can't stop thinking how pointless all this work and expense is going to end up being when it comes time to get a job. I won't have experience in exactly this and the desktop support experience also will not count. There is no middle, you're either a day one junior or a 10 year expert with no in between. I don't feel like anything I do actually counts for anything, and that I've basically wasted the last 10 years and it's too little too late. Any hurdle I clear will just have a bigger one behind it. Plus I have ADD and have to learn all this on a computer so it's even harder than it would otherwise be. These two paragraphs have a lot of crazy in them. Getting brushed off doesn't mean that something isn't worth pursuing, or that you were judged and deemed not worth the effort. Also, the idea of wasting time is not real. Whatever you did during the last 10 years has made you a more well rounded and versatile person than somebody who's just been doing cloud services for a decade. Every position requires training to fit in, certs are just a way to verify that people coming into the job will be familiar with underlying technologies. Every situation & company has its own framework that new hires need to learn, and 10 years of doing anything will prepare you for that better than some 26 year old savant. Getting hired for a good fake job is just a borderline unbearable process and you're at the beginning of it.
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Jul 15, 2023 02:13
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Tulip posted:
This seems like a good way to think about it, thanks! Especially when it comes to jobs, it's practically a lottery. Pajser posted:I'm in sort of the same jam. I decided to take the plunge and enroll. It probably wont be enough, but its a good starting point. The things im learning actually entices me and I really interested in learning more. The feeling is actually encouraging and every thing is a lot easier than I expected. Im half afraid I'll get imposter syndrome.  Jorge Bell posted:
Well, I'm definitely not as strong a candidate as someone who's been doing cloud stuff for 10 years. 10 years of desktop support feels like 10 1st year experiences and I don't think I've ever been in an organization where we were valued and not looked down on, my last job was fairly explicit, to another person who actually was a solid worker, that anyone in such a role was not welcome in a management role in any circumstance. But otherwise yeah, I acknowledge my paragraphs were full of spiraling crazy. I understand on a logical level that they're irrational, but knowing they're irrational doesn't make the feelings stop.
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Jul 15, 2023 03:03
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I'm not gonna speak to the benefits of demonstrating that you can hold down a client facing role for 10 years but I'm glad you're seeing what I'm talking about. It's pretty normal, if not okay, to feel ignored during this process because it is throwing yourself into an incredibly cold and brutal machine with existential implications for you but mild inconvenience for people arbitrarily deciding your fate. I think it's pretty clear I also have some issues with jobs/jobseeking.
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Jul 15, 2023 06:35
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Jorge Bell posted:I'm not gonna speak to the benefits of demonstrating that you can hold down a client facing role for 10 years but I'm glad you're seeing what I'm talking about. It's pretty normal, if not okay, to feel ignored during this process because it is throwing yourself into an incredibly cold and brutal machine with existential implications for you but mild inconvenience for people arbitrarily deciding your fate. I am petrified that whoever im talking to during an interview, has the first instinct to be domineering. It is traumatic. Also i shaved. Im gonna miss looking like tom hanks in castaway.
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Jul 15, 2023 12:13
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if it sucks hit the bricks
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Jul 15, 2023 17:03
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skooma512 posted:
Totally valid take here. Sometimes you just need to get things off of your chest in order to piece everything back together. I think you're more than allowed to feel the way you do as you navigate this chapter.
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Jul 15, 2023 18:40
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Zeroisanumber posted:Coming back to this after work. If she's having trouble breathing she needs to be checked in and get some sort of breathing assistance and be monitored until she can see a specialist. There's something going on here. I would take her back and get her a bed as soon as possible. My parents are being very stubborn about this. My step dad called me today for help with her because he's exhausted. I wasn't sure what I'd be walking into, but it's worse than I thought it'd be. There's no way in hell my mom would have survived without my step dad being a nurse practically. I used to take care of my dad back when he was on deaths door, and one thing I learned from that is that I am NOT a nurse. It's not fair to them or the family taking care of them when you're expected to be a nurse somehow. The hospital kept sending her home though even though she needs help even going to the bathroom. I at least got them to maybe agree to trying a different hospital, but they both see that as last resort, for some reason. From the discharge paperwork it looks like they're calling it a bad COPD flare up, and I'm wondering if it's from the super bad air quality we have right now thanks to Canada's wildfires. It started around the same time, and her symptoms seem to get worse/better based on the level of air quality warnings. So I'm still not sure what to do, except be an extra set of hands here and keep trying to encourage them to go to the freakin ER again. Edit: forgot to mention that they did see the specialist, and it looks like they just sent her on her way with a nebulizer and good lucks. Now that I'm thinking of it, maybe they have a doctor on call I could reach. I'll try that next. Goobish has issued a correction as of 20:45 on Jul 15, 2023 |
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Jul 15, 2023 20:42
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skooma512 posted:But otherwise yeah, I acknowledge my paragraphs were full of spiraling crazy. I understand on a logical level that they're irrational, but knowing they're irrational doesn't make the feelings stop.
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Jul 15, 2023 22:41
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Goobish posted:My parents are being very stubborn about this. My step dad called me today for help with her because he's exhausted. I wasn't sure what I'd be walking into, but it's worse than I thought it'd be. There's no way in hell my mom would have survived without my step dad being a nurse practically. I used to take care of my dad back when he was on deaths door, and one thing I learned from that is that I am NOT a nurse. It's not fair to them or the family taking care of them when you're expected to be a nurse somehow. The hospital kept sending her home though even though she needs help even going to the bathroom. I at least got them to maybe agree to trying a different hospital, but they both see that as last resort, for some reason. From the discharge paperwork it looks like they're calling it a bad COPD flare up, and I'm wondering if it's from the super bad air quality we have right now thanks to Canada's wildfires. It started around the same time, and her symptoms seem to get worse/better based on the level of air quality warnings. So I'm still not sure what to do, except be an extra set of hands here and keep trying to encourage them to go to the freakin ER again. Yeah. IDK what the dynamic in your family is like, but this is when you should overrule them and tell your mom that she needs to be in a hospital bed. She needs breathing support and she needs someone to look at her heart and lungs to find out what's going on. You need to strap on your metaphorical gun belt and cowboy/girl/person up. You've got to bowl past your parents and demand she get seen at a hospital. You've got to get her to a hospital and if they don't want to admit her ask to see the nurse manager and tell them how bad she's gotten and ask for a room. If they absolutely won't admit her then ask them to find a hospital that will and for them to arrange transport. It's OK to be a pain in the rear end, as a medical professional I give you permission, this is your mom. Breathing issues are not something that you gently caress around with, it's too easy for things to suddenly go wrong. And "a bad COPD flare-up" isn't a diagnosis, it's some ED assholes being lazy. Walk up to a mirror, slap yourself in the face, and say, "It's time to save my mom's fuckin' life!" And then go do it.
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Jul 15, 2023 22:54
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I did end up calling 911 and she's back admitted into the hospital. Best place for her right now. Seems like they're taking things more seriously now and I'm hopeful to get some answers/solutions. Thanks for letting me vent here guys. I skipped my nighttime meds the other night so I could stay up and keep watch. I absolutely cannot do that again or else I'll go batshit insane. Just very happy she's in the hospital Jesus christ.
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Jul 16, 2023 21:18
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SardonicTyrant posted:When it happens to me it's like hearing the scare chord to a horror movie even if I'm doing something mundane like eating in my room. lmao this is such a good analogy yeah
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Jul 16, 2023 21:31
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how do people deal with anhedonia? I feel like overall I'm doing all right, don't have major crises going on and I'm starting to get more of a grasp on myself before spiraling off, but I also feel like most of the time I'm not really feeling proud or accomplished about things I really want to be, and while being our with friends (probably not enough tbh) helps, it seems like the good feeling dissipates as soon as I'm done.
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Jul 17, 2023 00:32
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one of my cats seems really sick and I am so scared and confused and I think I’m loving up
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Jul 17, 2023 00:36
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StashAugustine posted:how do people deal with anhedonia? I feel like overall I'm doing all right, don't have major crises going on and I'm starting to get more of a grasp on myself before spiraling off, but I also feel like most of the time I'm not really feeling proud or accomplished about things I really want to be, and while being our with friends (probably not enough tbh) helps, it seems like the good feeling dissipates as soon as I'm done. Broadly speaking I take a lot of drugs that make my brain work better. If you're really noticing a lack of positive feelings when you feel like you should have them, I'd bring it up with your doctor. Consummate Professional posted:one of my cats seems really sick and I am so scared and confused and I think I’m loving up If you're really worried that your pal won't make it through the night, see if there's an emergency vet who'll look at them tonight. Otherwise take tomorrow off of work and take them in to get looked at by a professional. I get that you love your buddy and you're going to feel strongly about them being ill, but they can't tell you what's wrong and you need a professional to look at them.
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Jul 17, 2023 05:32
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I had to put Luna down. the doctor thinks she had a stroke or a brain tumor that started to grow. intellectually I know it was the best thing to do but gently caress it hurts. they let me hold her while it happened which I don’t regret but it’s making me so sad
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Jul 19, 2023 23:13
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Consummate Professional posted:I had to put Luna down. the doctor thinks she had a stroke or a brain tumor that started to grow. It always sucks hard, but you'll be glad that you were there for them later on. You did the right thing.
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Jul 19, 2023 23:59
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StashAugustine posted:how do people deal with anhedonia? I feel like overall I'm doing all right, don't have major crises going on and I'm starting to get more of a grasp on myself before spiraling off, but I also feel like most of the time I'm not really feeling proud or accomplished about things I really want to be, and while being our with friends (probably not enough tbh) helps, it seems like the good feeling dissipates as soon as I'm done. If you feel good when doing things that are fun, and don't when not doing fun things, isn't that kind of normal? Unless you literally can't enjoy anything otherwise. I find that the best way to handle times when you're not enjoying anything is often just to take a nap. Way back in college I learned to just nip bad moods in the bud by going to bed whenever they started.
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Jul 20, 2023 10:35
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Dad died, time for bed lol
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Jul 20, 2023 20:31
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I'm going to tuck you in and give you a gentle kiss on the forehead
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Jul 20, 2023 20:34
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Jorge Bell posted:Dad died, time for bed lol SardonicTyrant has issued a correction as of 20:42 on Jul 20, 2023 |
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Jul 20, 2023 20:40
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To be clear I am not posting news just light heartedly ribbing Ytlaya's good advice
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Jul 21, 2023 07:14
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Consummate Professional posted:I had to put Luna down. the doctor thinks she had a stroke or a brain tumor that started to grow. poo poo sucks, hope the good memories win out over the pain
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Jul 21, 2023 07:47
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Jorge Bell posted:To be clear I am not posting news just light heartedly ribbing Ytlaya's good advice Yeah, I would actually completely unironically recommend sleeping in response to a serious tragedy (not sleeping through your actual responsibilities or anything, but stuff like "go to bed earlier if you're just feeling super depressed"). Basically at one point I had an epiphany that, when I'm feeling like poo poo, trying to do things is usually a waste of time and I only end up feeling worse and getting frustrated. But if you go to bed you'll usually feel at least somewhat better when you wake up. Probably something to do with dopamine. (This advice is unfortunately dependent on being the sort of person who can easily take a nap - I genuinely feel terrible for people who can't, because easy sleep has always been a major thing I use to help cope with various things. I don't know how people with insomnia even function.) Edit: One way to put it is that sleeping is the "if it sucks, hit da bricks" of consciousness
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Jul 21, 2023 08:08
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Ytlaya posted:
Poorly
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Jul 21, 2023 09:51
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Adenoid Dan posted:Poorly
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Jul 21, 2023 10:23
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I've had recognizably really bad insomnia since I was like...within the first week or so of being alive? Like even for a baby I was bad, and its never truly gotten better. The biggest thing about living with it and trying to have some sort of functional life is to get OK with the idea that being tired and being sleepy are not the same, at all. You will never exhaust yourself into actually falling asleep. If you lay down and can't fall asleep, its best to just get back up and do whatever. Even if you're tired as gently caress. Because tired and sleepy aren't the same thing. Trying to force tiredness to turn into sleepyness just leads to multiple days - or weeks, or months - of shuffling around in a daze where you're never, ever actually rested. And of course lots of people will tell you random nonsense about how that can't be true, that it can't be better to just follow your actual sleep needs. I just tell them "I tried your way for 30 years, my way is better." By the same token just go to sleep whenever you're sleepy. Unless its like a for real emergency, just take the sleep you can get.
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Jul 21, 2023 12:01
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The problem is when I'm on a schedule that can't accommodate sleeping when I'm tired. I am totally fine in a relatively unstructured schedule. The most frustrating thing is when I'm tired and feel like I can fall asleep, and then either something interrupts me in the process or I just stop feeling sleepy. The crash from stimulants works much better than sleep meds but also oddly stimulants at a normal dose can be very helpful because for me it's an ADHD thing and it's always been very difficult to calm my mind for sleep. But sleep meds are still very useful. Of course it's a very personal thing and different things will work for different people, and there are different causes of insomnia.
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Jul 21, 2023 12:18
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Ytlaya posted:Yeah, I would actually completely unironically recommend sleeping in response to a serious tragedy (not sleeping through your actual responsibilities or anything, but stuff like "go to bed earlier if you're just feeling super depressed"). I woke up at 3:30 this morning for no reason and couldn’t ever properly get back to sleep, this after a day/week I was so stressed out in I charged at a wall pretty much as soon as I got home from work. Like I love how mental health advice is “get 8 hours of sleep” as if that’s something I can even control. Going to bed is a suggestion for my body to sleep, staying asleep is not in my control at all, when I wake up is not in my control. I don’t even have “insomnia” as such. So now my mood is even worse, and my emotional control will be even worse, and I tried to avoid smoking weed for even one loving day and couldn’t even succeed in doing that much and it still got me only 3 hours of sleep.
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Jul 21, 2023 16:23
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skooma512 posted:So now my mood is even worse, and my emotional control will be even worse, and I tried to avoid smoking weed for even one loving day and couldn’t even succeed in doing that much and it still got me only 3 hours of sleep. you would have to give it a few more days, just stopping for one day is a recipe for this
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Jul 21, 2023 16:28
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Adenoid Dan posted:The problem is when I'm on a schedule that can't accommodate sleeping when I'm tired. I am totally fine in a relatively unstructured schedule. Yeah I've been switching from a rigidly scheduled work to a more or less unscheduled work and good LORD is it an improvement in my sleep.
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Jul 21, 2023 20:05
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The sleep thing is part of why I doubt I'll ever be able to tolerate stopping the suboxone, because from past experiences "a fundamental inability to truly relax my body and mind" is a very long-term symptom even once you get past acute withdrawal, and I don't think I'd be able to stay sane through that. My only hope would be some sort of sleep medication, but I was prescribed Ambien many years ago and had An Incident one night where I apparently stumbled around the house and ended up in the ER and have zero recollection of any of it. It was one of the more unsettling things I've experienced - it's really weird to be told about stuff that happened, but have this complete void in your memory. I wasn't even abusing it or anything. I suspect that I didn't fall asleep like normal soon after taking it and forgot I had already taken my dose. Anyways, the whole experience scared me away from those hardcore sleep meds.
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Jul 22, 2023 01:50
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